If You Weren't Poor You Wouldn't Have Gotten Sick In The First Place

We're coming to you today from the Odd Headline Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. OHD is a division of the Excuse Me? Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of WTF!?!! Inc.

So, we're on our way to the comics section this morning to get us in the mood for reading the news. Dilbert stokes our existential dread long enough to get through the rest of the paper without resorting to adult beverages. Anyway, before we could even get to the Wizard of Id we run across this:

States seeking to ban mandatory health insurance

Hmm...thinks us, that's rather unusual. Even given the intellectual acumen of most state legislators today, it has been our impression that doing outright harm to the residents is, in most cases, a bug not a feature. Our curiosity piqued, we read on:

Although President Barack Obama's push for a health care overhaul has stalled, conservative lawmakers in about half the states are forging ahead with constitutional amendments to ban government health insurance mandates. "There's over 40 million people in this country without health insurance," said one state legislator. "You know what will happen to the republican party if they all get healthy enough to vote?"

The proposals would assert a state-based right for people to pay medical bills from their own pocketbooks and prohibit penalties against those who refuse to carry health insurance. Additionally, people who can't pay, or lack insurance altogether will be required to go someplace out of sight to die.

The moves reflect the continued political potency of the issue for conservatives, who have used it extensively for fundraising and attracting new supporters. "Hey, doctors make money off sick people, why can't we," said a Virginia legislator.

Legislative committees in Idaho and Virginia endorsed their measures this past week. Supporters held a rally at the Pennsylvania Capitol. And hearings on the proposed constitutional amendments were held in Georgia and Missouri. The Missouri hearing drew overflow crowds. "There's a reason Missouri's the 7th fattest state in the union and 38th when it comes to overall health," said Clint Bolick, the constitutional litigation director at the Goldwater Institute in Phoenix. "I don't think they want Washington meddling to jeopardize their rankings."

"These amendments are a way to manifest grass roots opposition" to federal health insurance mandates, Bolick said. "And they're especially popular among republican supporters who are used to voting against their own best interests."

Separate bills passed by the U.S. House and Senate would impose a penalty on people who don't have health insurance except in cases of financial hardship. Subsidies would be provided to low-income and middle-income households. The intent of the mandate is to expand the pool of people who are insured and paying premiums and thus offset the increased costs of insuring those with preexisting conditions or other risks.

"Poor people getting help with their insurance bills leading to better medical care. Is that the kind of America you want to live in?" asked a state legislator.

"We need to move ahead no matter what kind of maneuvering continues in Washington, D.C.," said Missouri Sen. Jane Cunningham, a Republican from suburban St. Louis. "If we don't we're liable to wake up some morning and find out everybody's covered. How we going to beat Mississippi for most unhealthy state then huh?"

"They are merely symbolic gestures," said Michael Dorf, a constitutional law professor at Cornell University. "If this Congress were to pass an individual mandate, and if it is constitutional — which I believe it is — the express rule under the supremacy clause (of the U.S. Constitution) is that the federal law prevails. The states will just have to find some other way to keep poor people from getting good health care. I suggest all sorts of eligibility requirements like they do with abortion. That should keep them out of the system long enough that it will be too late to do anything for them once they have filled out all the forms."

Friday Hound Blogging

Last week we told you about the plight of poor overlord Ursula O' donnell who, through no fault of her own, was forced to pay some low life in Alabama $230 bucks for offing some of her dogs...er...we mean for helping her right size her inventory.

Well, of course the animal rights wackos were all over her on this, so when the poor woman went back to work after the charges against her were dropped because the guy in Alabama up and died they were all like, "Hey Ursula. Who you gonna get to kill your dogs now huh?" And she was all like, "Layoff jerks. I paid my debt to society. Well, actually I paid my debt to the guy who killed my dogs, but it's all the same to me."

You just can't satisfy some people though, and the Prius driving, latte drinking puppy huggers just kept pushing and pushing and pushing until finally the guy that owned the track came along and was all like, "Hey. The last thing we need around here is people watching what we do, so Ursula, you're aloha babe."

Now, you'd think that would be the end of the story. The wackos would be off to the next alleged incident to put their Calvin Kliens in a twist, Ursula would head off to Walmart greeter school and start on her next career, well really her first career since the dogs did all the work in this one, and things would get back to normal around the track.

No way baby. Overlord Ursula don't play that.

O'donnell is speaking out. "I feel like I was let go for no reason. I was cleared of all charges back on January 24th, 2005. I mean, sure it's because the guy in Alabama died and the case fell apart, but let's not pick nits here, OK?"

"I have never met Robert Rhodes a day in my life, and I have never been to Alabama prior to this case, where they said I crossed state lines and met with this guy. I sent my check through the mail, and within thirty days of him killing my dogs too. No late fees for me."

Now, she says she wants to expose what she believes to be illegal practices by the greyhound industry."Ursula going down, you all going down," she said.

Ah, nothing like high standards, huh Jack?

Jack is a very happy dog with a ‘windmill’ tail when he is pleased. He is friendly and will approach for pets and will put his body right against you for pets. He doesn’t give ‘kisses’ but snuffles your face. He likes to play with toys. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be okay as an only dog.

We Will All Come Together At The Church Of The Magic Eight Ball

You know, when the final history of this great country of ours is written, one of the things that will not be an issue is the damage we did to ourselves due to government intrusion in the marketplace by over regulation.

A spiritual counselor has filed a lawsuit against Chesterfield County in U.S. District Court in Richmond, claiming that the county is discriminating against her and her beliefs through over-regulation.

But we could be wrong about that.

Sophie King says Chesterfield is violating her constitutional rights to free speech, free exercise of religion and equal protection by failing to differentiate between fortunetellers and spiritual counselors.

It's been our experience that spiritual counselors are much better dressers, plus their tents don't smell like cat box.

King, who claims to be the latter, said she should not be subject to county requirement for fortunetelling businesses, which include a background check, character references, zoning restrictions, and a $300 business license tax.

Now why would the government be interested in someone who says, "Give me $50 and I'll tell you who you're going to marry"? This is just the kind of unwarranted intrusion that's ruining the entrepreneurial spirit in America.

"The law is ridiculous and totally unfair. It reminds me of the Dark Ages," said King, who has worked as a psychic for 17 years and who reads Tarot cards and provides other spiritual counseling.

Tell it sister. Say what you will about the Dark Ages, one thing we can all agree on is that it was a time of rampant governmental over-regulation of the...erm...prognosticating industry. Hey wait a minute. Tarot cards count as spiritual counseling? Does the pope know about this? There's bound to be an angle he can work there. We mean, they got Tarots for everything else, why not an all saints Tarot?

King claims she is not a fortuneteller -- a term she says carries negative connotations -- because she does not predict the future. Rather, she "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance," according to the lawsuit.

Yeah. It's a shame we live in such a closed minded society that the contribution of fortune tellers is lost to us, and even more disheartening that a person who "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance" is caught up in that same prejudice. Umm...quick question though. Does this mean that she's just a fortune teller who can't tell time?

County Attorney Steven L. Micas filed a motion to have the suit dismissed "for a number of reasons. The plaintiff asserts that she's a religion, but in fact she's just a business and subject to the normal regulations that affect businesses," he said.

OK, we're not lawyers, or theologians or anything, but is it possible for one person to be a religion? Aside from Peyton Manning we mean.

King moved to Chesterfield in October 2008 from Los Angeles and began a spiritual-counseling business.

Moved in from Los Angeles huh? Why are we not surprised?

Texas! Motto: Please Don't Point When You Laugh

Oh, Texas. Where would we be without you? You're like the Santa Claus of stupidity, handing out presents to all the good little boys and girls. But you don't just come once a year, oh no, you're like the 24/7 Santa. You're Santa on steroids. You don't furtively slip down the chimney in the dead of night, you walk right up to the house in broad daylight, kick the door in and stand in the foyer shouting, "Hey. Look At ME! I don't know my elbow from a hole in the ground and I'm proud of it!"

It's a good thing we don't get paid for writing this blog, because if we did we'd probably have to turn our salaries back in on days Texas is our topic. It's just too easy, even for us.

In its haste to bleed any semblance of educational value out of the state's social studies curriculum standards, the State Board of Education tossed children's author Bill Martin, who died in 2004, from a proposal for the third-grade section. Board member Pat Hardy, R-Cementhead, who made the motion, cited books he had written for adults that contain "very strong critiques of capitalism and the American system."

I don't care if he's dead," Hardy said. "He's still a comminist."

The book on Marxism was written by Bill Martin, a philosophy professor at DePaul University in Chicago.

"Chicago?" Hardy said. "Round these parts we call that Moscow on the lake."

Trouble is, the Bill Martin Jr. who wrote the Brown Bear series never wrote anything political, unless you count a book that taught kids how to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hardy said she was trusting the research of another board member, Terri Leo, R-Spring-loose, when she made her motion and comments about Martin's writing.

Oh. Would that be Dr. Terri Leo, Harvard educated Rhodes Scholar and Pulitzer prize winning political historian?

Leo had sent her an e-mail alerting her to Bill Martin Jr.'s listing on the Borders .com Web site as the author of Ethical Marxism. Leo's note also said she hadn't read the book.

Guess not.

"She said that that there was what he done wrote, and I said: ' ... It's a good enough reason for me to get rid of someone 'cause serving on this here Board of Ed gecation takes up a lot of my time and I can't be reading any o' them subversive books with all them big o fancy words and such,' " Hardy told reporters. "Why some days I don't even have time to watch my stories."

In an e-mail exchange, Leo said she planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin. Leo, however, said she wasn't asking Hardy to make any motions. She said she didn't do any research. "Since I didn't check it out, I wasn't about to make the motion. 'Sides my stories was on," Leo said.

Right. So when you said you, " planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin." What you really meant was you weren't "about to make the motion."

We're beginning to see why Texas education is having problems.

For some, the mix-up is an indicator of a larger problem with the way the elected board members have approached the update of state curriculum standards.

We're going to go ahead all call it the Three Stooges do Readin,' Ritin' and Rithmetic approach, co-staring Laurel and Hardy.

Leo said, adding that she never meant for her "FYI" e-mail to Hardy to be spoken about in a public forum. "Lord knows the less folks know what were a doin' up here the better," Leo said.

Ah, we wouldn't worry. Since you don't know what you're doing, no one else will either. Oh, wait. That's sort of the problem isn't it?

Montana! Motto: Off Our Meds And Right As Rain

We're coming to you today from the That's Just What They Want You To Think Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TJWTWYTT is a wholly owned subsidy of the Acme Aluminum Foil Corporation (home of the Ultracap, Blocks mind control rays used by all government agencies and discovered alien races), in partnership with This Is All Because Of Fluoride, Inc.

It seems some of the boys in Montana have been spending a little too much time in the Fortress of Solitude.

Members of the group who were allowed out on day passes presented the county officials with a questionnaire/agreement last week that included a petition signed by about 175 loco residents. The cover letter on the questionnaire said the document was designed to serve as an affirmation to county residents that the officials will abide by their oath of office and uphold both the federal and state constitution both of which the group wants to ignore, suspend, revoke and just generally forget because THERE ARE VOICES IN THE WOODS OUTSIDE THE FORT!!

The letter was signed, “A representative of those who attached their names but we ain't signin' nothin' cause the terrorists will steal our identities.”

“We are a group of concerned citizens,” Robert Gairing of Stevensville said. “I’m a concerned citizen … as that, we need to know definitively whether or not our public officials will defend their oath and our constitutional rights and be willing to take positive constitutional action on our behalf by ignoring the constitution."

The questionnaire includes 10 points on a variety of topics, including:

• The requirement of all federal employees and other U.S. representatives to obtain written permission from the sheriff with the support of the county commission prior to approaching any county citizen.

"Don't want none o' them federal employees and other U.S. representatives cooties," Gairing said.

• Prohibiting mandatory vaccinations.

"That there makes ya inter one o' them gay fellers," said one letter signer. "Real men don't need none o' that anti biotic. Why, one time me and old Jesse was out a huntin' and he fell offa his horse. Broke his leg in two places. I give him a shot o' whiskey and told him to walk it off. He's just fine today. You'd never know he had a wooden leg.

• Prohibiting entrance into the county by all employees of the federal Environmental Protection Agency.

"That's just another word for comminist," Gairing said. "Probly fags too."

• Requiring the sheriff to form and command a county militia composed of able-bodied citizens 18 and older. “Women must serve, but not in a combat capacity unless the men are in danger of being overrun.

"We got to be ready when them hispaniards come looking for their land back," Gairing said. "Now, havin' the wimmen in the fight don't set well with me, but my Mabel, she can shoot the ear off a fly at fifty paces and it'd sure give me a comfort to know she was back there case old Santa Ana had some tricks up his sleeve."

The questionnaire said that failure to comply with the county official’s “lawful obligations” will result in an immediate suspension and a grand jury hearing. When asked who would serve on the Grand Jury, the group’s founder, Mona Docteur, said "Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson."

We're Thinking About Using The Unemployment Lists To Start A Trap-Neuter-Return Program

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the futility of ambition in the face of a world governed by blind chance...er...we mean will recall the hilarity which ensured the last time we visited the Palmetto State.

Well, it seems they're about to have themselves one of them there elections to replace governor Horn Dog, and the leading candidate is Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has compared giving people government assistance to feeding stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, and apparently neither am I because I am about to say one of the most fundamentally stupid and heartless things any candidate for public office has ever said while allegedly sober. She told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. See, if you don't feed the poor people, they'll die off and you won't have to take them down to the river in a bag with rocks in it like old Uncle Jedidiah did with the barn cats. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that and we all know who I'm talking about here, but just in case you don't his initials are NAACP," Bauer said.

Ed's Note: You know, we were tempted to let this article stand just the way he said it because, really, how much more stupid can you add to South Carolina stupid? Ultimately though, we decided to take it as a challenge.

Bauer told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else. So when I said, 'You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply' I really meant that poor people should learn to eat stray animals."

"You see, for the first time in the history of this country, we've got more people voting for a living than we do working for a living which wouldn't have happened if those meddling Yankees had let us keep the poll tax the way god intended."

Later in his speech, Bauer said, "You think I can't get any more stupid? Watch this: I can show you a bar graph where free and reduced lunch has the worst test scores in the state of South Carolina," adding, "You show me the school that has the highest free and reduced lunch, and I'll show you the worst test scores, folks. It's there, period. Which validates my theory that poor people are dumb as well as poor."

Bauer said there are no "repercussions" from accepting government assistance. "Well, unless you consider being poor in South Carolina a 'repercussion because idiots like me can say things like this in public and get taken seriously."

He said government hasn't made requirements to make those receiving aid be more responsible. "You know, like governor Sanford, or Roland Corning, or Strom Thurmond. "

Tymeco Gregory grew up in a single-parent home in which, he said, his family relied on free-lunch programs at school to survive while struggling to pay bills. "If I didn't get any money or help with food for school and stuff, we probably would have to go without eating at school," Gregory said. "We don't have a lot of extra money." Now an 18-year-old freshman physics major at Wofford College, Gregory credited a support system from Furman University's Bridges to a Brighter Future program and government assistance with helping him achieve his goal to attend college.

"See, that's just the kind of free loader I'm talking about," Bauer said. "What kind of name is 'Tymeco' anyway? He can't be no christian boy."

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, one of the things that really ticks off the overlords is when those animal rights wackos go sticking their noses into the way racing is regulated and controlled. We mean, who needs a bunch of know it alls who've never had to...er...reduce excess inventory telling them how to over see their business?

The overlords do just fine by themselves thankyewverymuch. What we mean to say is they run a tight ship. There are rules, you know? Protect the units...er...dogs; weed out the bad apples, stuff like that. You want to mistreat your dogs, or cut corners? Well, overlord don't play that homie. Pack your bags 'cause you're gone. Right Ursula O'Donnell?

A woman arrested on felony charges for helping kill more than 2,000 greyhounds from all over the state has been training racing dogs again in Florida as recently as last week.

Right. 'Cause noting is more important than the safety and well being of the dogs. The overlords go to great lengths to see that anyone who doesn't treat them humanely and professionally is...wait a minute...what did you say?

Ursula O'Donnell was charged with felony animal cruelty in November 2002 after allegedly hiring an Alabama man to shoot and bury greyhounds under her care.

Oh. Uh...erm...yeah...look there has to be a simple explanation. The industry would never allow cruelty like this to go unpunished. After all, the dogs are like family. Well, family that you abandon when they can't make you anymore money, but still, maybe family like in laws, yeah something like that.

O'Donnell denied knowledge of the operation at the time -- she claimed her employees sent dogs to Rhodes without her knowing.

Ah, there you go. This poor lady was the victim of heartless, criminal employees. She's caught in the middle and guilty only of being too trusting. Here she thought everyone loved the dogs as much as she did, only to find out there are evil people in the world. Can you even imagine the pain she felt, the sorrow, the despair when she realized her beloved dogs had been sent to such a cruel fate when she thought they had all been adopted by a reclusive millionaire?

A criminal investigation by the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation found a check written by O'Donnell to Rhodes for $230, dated just before Rhodes' arrest. Using Rhodes' standard pricing, that was the fee for the execution of 23 dogs.

See? It wasn't like...uh...she didn't...ah...in her defense, Rhodes killed over 1000 dogs, so 23 is like...well...she wasn't...er...it's not like...OK we're going to have to get back to you on that.

You'd think such a thing would preclude an individual from working with greyhounds ever again, but as of the start of this year, O'Donnell was listed as the "trainer of record" for Free Spirit Kennel, which races dogs at the Naples-Fort Myers Track and Entertainment Center. That means that O'Donnell is personally responsible for the welfare of 50 to 75 dogs.

Hey, come on. We're trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, overlords. Work with us, will you?

Then, around January 10, about the same time the track was notified about a current investigation, Ursula was no longer listed as the trainer of record for Free Spirit Kennel.The Naples track is owned by the Miami-based Havenick family. "This was just brought to our attention," Izzy Havenick said. "She never worked for us in any way, shape, or form. All of the kennels are owned and operated completely independently. But as soon as we found out, we asked the kennel to make the change, and they did."

Bam! Right on! See animal rights wackos, the system works. You cut corners and put the dogs in any kind of jeopardy and you're history, you're yesterday's news, it's hasta la vista baby! Now will you get your Birkenstock wearing, Chai tea drinking, premium dog food buying noses out of our business?

Free Spirit Kennel's new trainer of record is Ryan O'Donnell.

Aww crap. We're trying to help you out here. Throw us a bone, will you Izzy?

Havenick said he never met Ursula or Ryan O'Donnell and doesn't know what their relationship is.

Yeah. You own the track but you don't know who works there. Come on, you can do better than that.

"O'Donnell is a very common name in dog racing," Havenick said.

Alllll righty then. That's your story and you're sticking to it. Hey look over there, it's Kristi...uh...O'Donnell and she's looking for a home.

Kristi is shy and reserved. She will start to play by herself, but if something goes flying – she will scurry away. She enjoys playing with the family dogs in the yard. She is generally quiet, submissive, and easygoing. She runs very fast in the yard. Kristi would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, ages 10 and up. She is shy, so she would benefit with another dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: He is learning his manners and “no”. He is doing well in the foster home.

Thus God Said Unto Moses, Remember The Screen Printers And Hold Them In Your Hearts

OK this has us a little worried. See, Michigan, home state to the marbled halls of IM Central, is right next to Ohio, and as we have discussed before, god is not the greatest aim. We're just afraid that there's a hurricane or an earthquake coming with Uniontown's name on it, and we're going to become collateral damage. Anybody have Pat Robinson's number?

Of course with a name like Uniontown it was only a matter of time anyway before the deity got his smite on, being all upper management and stuff. Don't find nobody singing Pete Seeger songs in the bible you know. Just saying.

Well, we might still have a shot at avoiding getting caught up in a plague of Westboro Baptist Church groupies. It's all up to the kids.

The district last month voted to temporarily remove God's name from the statement, leaving it at "We value: Responsibility, honesty, respect, integrity, commitment, and religious freedom". That isn't good enough for High School Juniors Mackenzie Muchalk and Alex Looney. They are preparing to literally mount a fight in the name of God to maintain the statement as it was written.

Heh heh. His name is Looney. Oh, this is going to go well.

Muchalk and Looney are selling t- shirts at cost that read "We value a belief in God" on the front and "They can take his name out of our mission statement but they can NEVER take Him out of our hearts."

Ah, the sweet sweet intersection of spirituality and retail marketing. This is why Jesus died on the cross and now you can own your very own piece of a genuine replica of that cross with accompanying certificate of authenticity for three easy payments of $39.95 plus shipping and handling. Call now, this once in a lifetime chance to own a piece of history can't last long! Offer void where regulated by heathens.

Muchalk says the hope is to have a room filled with people wearing the shirts at the next school board meeting on February 8th. "We just want to stand up to who we think of as bullies" she said, "to tell them its not really going to change anything."

Right on sister! Tell it! The last thing bullies want to hear is that changing stuff isn't going to change anything, so go ahead bullies change away. We won't be changed at all by your change and that's why we're all here tonight in these cheap t-shirts.

Muchalk realizes mounting a legal battle will cost money and hopes the community will rally with her to fight against the change, but not at the taxpayers expense. "I can get the free legal aid or if people in our community step up, which I know there have been people who have said they are going to pay for this for us, then I definitely think its worth it to fight it."

Hey, you think changing stuff that hasn't changed is cheap people? Time to step up. If we don't change this back to the way it was before it didn't change then what's next? CHAOS, that's what! Satan in your living room! People marrying box turtles! Universal Health Care! Wake up America!

Muchalk and her mother, Stephanie, say writing "God" into the value statement does not promote any particular religion. "When they first started selling these t-shirts one of the first two people who bought them were Muslim, so you know we aren't talking a christian God it just says a belief in God".

Well, god and cash. That mooslim money spends just as good as the god fearing kind. You think Jesus just left all those shekels laying on the floor after he chased the money lenders out of the temple? What do you take him for, Buddha?

"They want to come here and tell us what to say in our mission statement, that's fine but if we choose to believe in God then that's what we believe" said Junior basketball player Logan Wartman".

Wartman. Ha ha ha. OK we're beginning to see a pattern here. You kids are playing the adults, aren't you?

Jennifer Spohn, the parent of a high school student, also thought the name of God should remain in the school district's statement. "When it was put in the mission statement it wasn't just put in there by accident" Spohn said. "It was voted on by a wide amount of people, different religious backgrounds, some atheists some religious."

Unfortunately the atheists voted no and had to be run out of town right Ms. Spohn? We mean after all, what would Jesus do?

Oklahoma! Motto: Our Governor Can Tie His Own Shoes

Frequent readers of this blog always knew that resistance was futile...er...we mean may recall our previous profiles of one senator James Inhofe (R - where else?). The good senator, and his compatriot senator Tom (AACCK! LESBOZ!) Coburn represent the Sooner State in Washington and between them provide the most convincing argument ever against marrying your cousin. Especially if your cousin has the IQ of a tree frog.

But we digress. The point of today's little missive is to inform you that senator Inhofe has gotten himself on an enemies list, and he's quite upset with it all.

In a cover story on global warming titled "You Idiots!" Rolling Stone named Jim Inhofe as one of the "planet's worst enemies.'' The Oklahoma Republican took issue.
"My first response was I should have been No. 1, not No. 7," said Inhofe, once an aide told him that seven was not a one with a hat on. "I am serious about that. I've never been number one at anything in my life. I figured I wouldn't have much competition for stupidest human on the planet, but then McCain had to go and pick Sarah Palin for a running mate."

Eds. Note: Sorry Mr. Inhofe, (and Ms. Palin) that particular title is no longer in contention.

Still, Inhofe conceded his profile said some "nice'' things about him. The magazine described him as one of the GOP's loudest and most influential voices on climate change. "I kind of thought loud and influential were the same things," Inhofe said.

Citing his ability to get gullible journalists to take him seriously, it states that Inhofe is far from being marginalized and continues to hold remarkable sway. "See?" Inhofe added. "Loud is influential, just like I said.

He is credited with leading an effort that helped cloud the future of the entire planet, diminishing America's bargaining position at the Copenhagen climate negotiations. "I don't know why we even care what those beret wearing, espresso drinking, bicycle riding pansies over there think anyway," Inhofe said. "It's not like it's going to affect us. After all, we've got oceans on both sides of us and they're getting bigger all the time."

In addition to Inhofe and Buffett, the magazine's list includes Sens. John McCain, R-Ariz., and Mary Landrieu, D-La.; Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas; media baron Rupert Murdoch; former Democratic House leader Dick Gephardt; columnist and television pundit George Will; U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue; Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries; and others from the energy industry. "I am really in a better crowd than I have been in for quite some time," Inhofe said. "Most of those folks can read. I think."

"It is something I have taken eight years of hits for, and then finally we have come from a position of about only 18 percent of the people in America stupid enough to agree with my original position 10 years ago to about 75 percent now," Inhofe said, adding that he now feels "redeemed on the issue because enough people believe me, so the science doesn't count."

"If you don't have truth on your side, you don't have logic on your side and you don't have science on your side, you have to revert to name calling," he said. "In Oklahoma we call that taking the high road."

Friday Hound Blogging

OK animal rights wackos, you kicked the overlords around pretty good last year, closing tracks, outlawing animal exploitation...er...we mean the sport, and just generally making life miserable for folks whose only joy in life is leeching their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals, then discarding said animals like yesterday's newspaper.

Uh...we mean living an exciting life in the glamorous and thrilling world of greyhound racing.

Well, no more.

Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack has managed to skirt a trend that caused other gaming centers to close greyhound racing operations.

BAM! IN YOUR FACE! How you like us now, little puppy hugging smoochy smoochy doggie lover?

Crowds remain strong. Even in bone-chilling, 14-degree weather, fans turn out to cheer on the athletic canines as they whip around the track, sometime reaching speeds of 45 mph.

You hear that? Crowds, man crowds! 'Course for us a crowd is 15 people, at least four of which are sober enough to know where they are, but still it's people. People! Just so you know we're baaaaack!

"It's considered the creme de la creme, the ultimate track in racing," said Marci Anderson, president of Steel City Greyhounds.

Creme de la freakin' creme, you Birkenstock wearing, arugula eating all god's creatures hippie freaks. You know what that means? It means the toilets flush most of the time, the lights work and the parking lot is paved. Yeah. And you know what? That's not all. It's a new day and a new year. Tell them Izzy Havenick, vice president of Southwest Florida Enterprises, tell these buttinskis we don't need them sticking their noses into our business anymore.

After years of holding races year-round, the Bonita Springs-based track will return to a seasonal schedule this summer, when kennel owners rotate to Flagler Greyhound track in Miami. The dogs will return to Bonita the next winter.

Are you listening? Did you hear that? Did that get through your thick skull? After years of holding races year-round--that's years animal rights nut--Bonita springs isn't going to do that anymore. That's right, they're... ah... not... erm... doing... um... it... well... anymore. That can't be right. Is that what he said?

The change may be another sign that state parimutuels are weaning themselves from a reliance on dog racing, which has fallen in popularity as Indian gaming surges.

Oh. Um...fallen in popularity, you say. Heh heh. Well, maybe a little. But this is a temporary setback. A small pothole on the road to recovery. We've got the momentum now and there's no going back, right New Hampshire state representative Mary Cooney?

The New Hampshire House voted to ban live dog racing in the Granite State.

Yes, well...uh..."ban" you say? That means like no more greyhound racing at all right? Overlords earning their own keep, stuff like that? OK, if that's the way you want to do this we have to ask you if you really want unskilled, poorly socialized, substance abusers with anger management issues in your job pool? Is that what you want?

Massachusetts lawmakers are considering a plan to help track workers displaced by the voter-approved ban on greyhound racing. The bill would set up a greyhound workers' retraining and support fund.

Retraining? Retraining? Hey Wonderland, how can you have re training when you ain't had no training?

Wonderland is a very sweet dog. He is a big, strong boy who is very energetic. He loves to go out for a walk, and he walks very politely on the leash. Wonderland is very friendly, happy and curious. He will stand and lean into your body hard to be right next to you. He smiles and will open up his mouth in a big happy grin. He is also a Velcro dog, and likes to be the in the thick of things in the house—the more people and activity the better. Wonderland would do well in a working family home with well-mannered teens. He would appreciate a home where he can get a walk every day, if possible. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is playful and silly. He is young and energetic, for a greyhound. He is very affectionate. He thinks he is a little dog and will try to climb into your lap and will nuzzle his head against your shoulder. He will touch you with his paw when he wants to play. His tail wags like a helicopter. He is a bit of a greyhound “collector.”

Texas! Motto: Smart Peepel R Dum

As card carrying members of the educorporate complex here in Michigan we would just like to say that we are claiming dibs on the 700 million in federal aid to education that governor Rick Perry of Texas doesn't want.

And not just because we're looking for a raise either. This is all about the kids, yes sir you betcha.

Texas will not compete for up to $700 million in federal education money, Gov. Rick Perry said, calling the Obama administration’s main school improvement grant program an unacceptable intrusion on states’ control over education.

Couldn't have said it better ourselves governor. After all, who needs some east coat latte' drinking liberal elitist telling you to teach stuff in schools? Schools are where the little heathens learn to do what adults tell them to do. Besides, Texas does just fine on its own thankyewverymuch. After all, you're reevaluating your whole school curriculum to bring it into the 21st century right? Lets look at some of the highlights:

Evolution might sort of kind of exist, maybe.

Cesar Chavez and Thurgood Marshall were communists.

Thomas Jefferson copied the Constitution out of the bible.

OK, we made that last one up, but it's pretty close to the truth, right Derek Davis, director of the Center for Religious Liberty at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor?

"An education without some understanding of the profound role of religion in our nation's history and its contributions to our nation's success is an incomplete education and our courts have often said as much."

Oh tell it Brother Davis. Speak truth to the power. Plus, it's kind of hard to explain what we did to the land, the Native Americans and the slaves unless god gets in there someplace and gives his official okie dokie.

See? So Texas is doing just fine by itself thank you Mr. Barack Hussein Obama smarty pants college graduate. We got our very own graduates right here in Texas too. Did you know that?

OK so Texas is 49th lowest out of 50 states and the District of Columbia, but right after we get everybody all learned up that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs over to Noah's house to help George Washington plan the civil war against Santa Ana you better watch out!

Mother Nature Kicks a Country When It's Down

Folks in Haiti could use some help. Here's what you can do:

The American Red Cross

UNICEF

Yele Haiti

Operation USA

Doctors Without Borders

Direct Relief

Offered Without Comment

Those last two lines read: "His intellect and humor will make this a night to remember and share for years and years."

When Is It Legal To Go All Non Compos Mentis On Your Scrawny Ipso Facto?

We're coming to you today from the Legal Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, generally we have more...erm...practical reasons for consulting the crack Ironicus Maximus legal team, like the time we had that misunderstanding with the police officer about who owned the fifty dollar bill we'd found just as he was about to write us a ticket for...ah..an over exuberance of velocity, but today we are here on a more theoretical matter.

We see by the interwebs that the trial of Scott Roeder,the fellow who walked into a church and shot Dr. George Tiller because--well, isn't that what you're supposed to do when you disagree with someone--is beginning and we have a few questions.

OK, so the party of the first part discharges a firearm in the general direction of the party of the second part, resulting in the party of the second part being deprived of the means by which the party of the second part sustained his existence. The authorities take a dim view of this and arrest the party of the first part, accusing him of acting outside of the bounds of polite society by committing an act laymen refer to as "murder."

So far so good.

Then we get to court and we find that, far from committing the heretofore mentioned act called in the popular press, "murder," the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as "the accused" has not committed said "murder," in fact has not transgressed the mores of the aforementioned governmental authorities at all, but has instead acted to preserve a safe environment for entities that may or may not exist.

Roeder has admitted in news media interviews that he killed Tiller, shooting him in the face as Tiller served as a church usher. But Roeder has said his actions were justified in order to prevent Tiller from performing further abortions.

Right. Now in fifth grade the class bully was Vernon. When he took Dale's lunch money could we have shot him because we expected that at some date in the future he would take our lunch money?

Well, if we'd had a gun, that is. And if we'd known how to use it. And if Dale's big brother hadn't beat the crap out of Vernon with a tennis racket thus ending Vernon's bully career. We're talking theoretically here. A hypothetical scenario if you will.

We'd be the first to admit that we didn't always pay attention in Civics class, but our last understanding was that committing an illegal act (the so called "murder") to protest a legal act (getting an abortion) is not an appropriate way for a fully functioning adult member of society to spend his morning.

Perhaps we just aren't picking up on the finer legal points though. Let's take a step back and look at the big picture.

The slaying of Tiller intensified the debate in the United States over abortion and the actions taken by people who want it to be illegal.

Yes, yes we see now. So, referencing our earlier statement concerning the law enforcement representative and the orphaned fifty dollar bill, if we had just said we wanted 35 to be an illegally determined speed, and 70 to be a lawful speed corresponding to a higher authority (namely us) would we have been excused from what eventually turned out to be a fairly hefty monetary deduction from our entertainment account (the one Mrs. IM doesn't know about)? Or would we have been justified in shooting the officer because there was a high probability that he would go on enforcing the speed limit that we did not want on other drivers who may or may not want the government intruding into their lives and making the roads safe from people like...well, us?

Hmm...We're beginning to see some potential flaws in that line of reasoning.

Which is probably why we weren't asked to be part of Roeder's defense team.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know when the headline is Curtain comes down on state's failed dog-racing venture it's probably not going to be one of those fluffy upbeat pieces about the love the overlords have for the units...er...greyhounds. Then you read the first sentence:

Wisconsin's greyhound racing industry, which was launched 20 years ago with great expectations, has ended with a whimper.

Well that's an owy, right State Representative Dean Kaufert?

"I don't think we're going to miss it," said state Kaufert, "It was hot for a while, then the luster kind of went away.

Yeah. Having to dispose of all those dead and injured animals sort of takes the luster out of it. Not to mention the fact that it never made money. Still, things aren't so bad are they Marsha Kelly, a communications consultant for the American Greyhound Track Owners Association and the American Greyhound Council?

"I would say (the dog-racing industry) is in fair shape," Kelly said. The heyday for dog racing was in the late 1980s and early 1990s. A number of tracks have closed since then, but the industry remains viable, she added.

"Viable." You hear that all you tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, pinko animal rights wackos? Sure, nine tracks closed in 2009, but just look at the ones still open. They're booming.

VictoryLand, the greyhound racing track and electronic bingo complex east of Montgomery, has laid off 225 employees, according to the Montgomery Advertiser.

Hey, "temporary." It says "temporary" in the article. So those folks will be back to work...uh...someday. Right after they fix the bathroom. People get so hyper about stuff like that, huh Victor?

Victor is a very calm, loving and relaxed boy. He is friendly and social and will greet everyone. He is very well-mannered and sweet. He is very affectionate. He will approach you and look lovingly into your eyes and will rest his head on your lap. He likes to play with toys and his tail swings around like a helicopter. He likes to crawl into small spaces like a ferret. Victor would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is at the Vet being...erm...adjusted. After that, it's a trip to the dentist and then off to find that permanent couch.

On The Bright Side, We Kick Butt At Bible Trivia

So, it turns out science students in the US come in 20th place in international competition, right behind Iceland, a country that is bankrupt.

And you're thinking, "Gosh darned kids. How we ever going to get flying cars if they don't know a molecule from a Winnebago?"

Well, we're here to tell you reader(s). It ain't the kids. It's the teachers.

A Brooklyn principal has reprimanded a sixth-grade science teacher for selling students a book that tells how to "recognize those serving Satan and bring them to Jesus."

"In his defense, the book does use the inquiry method," said Education Department spokeswoman Marge Feinberg. "To be satan you had to answer yes to five or more questions like, Do you think women are equal to men? Have you ever voted democratic? 'Are you a homo?' stuff like that."

The book follows a God-fearing doctor who wins over a Devil-worshiping young woman.

"See, the lead character is a doctor," Feinberg said. "That's sciency, right?"

In a related story, Brit Hume has accepted a position as 10th grade Physics teacher at PS 43 in Bedford Stuyvesant.

I Dun Writ Me A Buk

We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DRD is a subsidy of Have You Heard This One Before, INC. in partnership with the Deja Vu All Over Again Corporation.

A while back we brought you news that Michael Steele, then newly elected chairMan of the republicans who are still able to afford medications, declared an official end to the era of republican apologies for basically ending civilization as we know it.

Now, to further underline and emphasize the new direction republicans and their forward looking agenda for looking forward is taking Mr. chairMan Steele has penned a tome in which he...uh...apologizes for the fact that republicans, after eight years of owning democracy's scrawny buttocks, have basically left the whole world in the dumpster.

We're pretty sure we've got that right. Mr. Steele? Care to explain?

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele offers a simple explanation for why the GOP all too often lost touch with typical Americans since the Ronald Reagan era: "We screwed up," he claims in a new book offering a blueprint for the party's resurgence.

"Screwed up"? You "screwed up"? Mr. Steele, Tiger Woods screwed up. Well, he also screwed down, sideways and out the back door over by the garage and out onto the terrace, but that's not our point. You guys dropped a floater on the country the size of Missouri. Saying you "screwed up" is like saying atomic bombs have a tendency to rearrange the furniture when they go off in the living room.

In "Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda," Steele says the GOP should acknowledge where "we most glaringly compromised our principles" in the past decade and hold its elected officials accountable.

Wait, you've got "principles now"? Did you get them before or after you stole an election, trashed the constitution, lied us into an unnecessary war and turned the government over to your cronies so they could loot the treasury?

OK, perhaps we're being too harsh, Mr. Steele. Everybody makes mistakes. Most mistakes don't wreck a nation, but we'll hold that in abeyance right now and ask you, of the new look republicans, who is the most principled? John Ensign? Pete Hoekstra? James Inhofe? Joe Barton? Newt Gingrich? Sarah Palin? Go ahead, pick one. Or add your own, we'll wait.

The GOP chairman defended former Vice President Dick Cheney's harsh criticism of President Barack Obama, saying that he, too, believes Obama tries to avoid directly acknowledging a war on terror.

Seriously? Dick Cheney? That's your choice? You know he's got a problem with the brothers, right? We'll give you another pick.

One Republican who escapes Steele's intraparty criticism is former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, McCain's running mate. Then again, judging from the book's index, Palin is not mentioned at all."

Aww...and after she said such nice things about you. Well, guess you just got on Todd's list.

Hey, read us that part about how John Ensign got his mommy to pay off his mistress again. It's back in that chapter on values some place.

Ironicus Maximus, January 4, 2010. Use With Caution

We have just run across what we believe to be the stupidest thing ever said by a human being in any language anywhere at any time throughout history.

We have to warn you that just reading this comment will cause your IQ to drop several points and it will be necessary for you to rescue your intellectual capabilities before they are permanently damaged so we will be providing several links at the end of this post that you should click on before your brain has too much of a chance to process what you are about to read. In fact, you may want to click on those links now and have the tabs open to get to that much faster so we'll put them here:

Link number 1 to restore your rational faculties

Link number 2 to reconnect you to reality

Link number 3 to remind you that the world has not been overrun by arrogantly ignorant, lumpy bags of protoplasmic effluent two steps short of sentience.

And link number 4 just to get the image of those words out of your visual cortex.

OK, now, if there are children in the room, please make sure they can't see the screen, or better yet send them off to read a book. Sit comfortably in your chair, loosen any clothing that might become constrictive in the event of a seizure and make sure there are no sharp implements nearby with which you might gouge out your eyes in a moment of panic.

Before we go on you should know this comment was made by representative Joe Barton and we are in no way making it up, or altering it in any manner. It comes to you just as it came out of his mouth.

Those of you familiar with Joe Barton will probably want to stop reading here as prolonged exposure to weapons grade idiocy can lead to chronic incredulity, memory loss, and reduced joie de vivre.

OK. Here we go:

"Wouldn't it be ironic if in the interest of global warming we mandated massive switches to [wind] energy, which is a finite resource, which slows the winds down, which causes the temperature to go up?...It's just something to think about."

May god have mercy on us all.

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, the first post of the new year, of the new decade. New beginnings. Well, probably can't have old beginnings, but that's beside the point. Hey, speaking of beside the point, how did the overlords spend the last day of the last year of the last decade?

As the Dairyland Greyhound Park closes its doors for the last time, it’s also the end for close to 180 employees.

Well, on the bright side, at least those 180 folks aren't in danger of being killed by their bosses, but we're not without sympathy here in the marbled halls of IM Central, so here's our suggestion.

Of course, some folks just don't take the hint.

The choice is clear but difficult — move to another state to continue on with the dogs that many trainers have dedicated the whole of their working lives to, or find a new career closer to home.

We suggest a new career that doesn't involve the heartless killing of innocent living creatures, but that's just us. Hey, we'll even help.

We'd also like to add that all of the jobs on those links are greyhound approved because none of them involve injury or death to the dogs. Of course, the bad news is that they do require the humans to earn their own keep rather than relying on the dogs to do it for them. Not a perfect world yet, is it Ralph?

Ralph is another refugee from Dairlyland who has just landed in the area. We don't know much about him except that he's looking for a new career that involves soft couches, copious amounts of dog biscuits and ear scratches several times a day. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is settling in with his foster parents in Southeast Michigan. Next up: A trip to the Vet.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Another year draws to a close and along with it a decade, the best of which can be said about is that it didn't live up to expectations. This was especially true for the overlords, who saw their empire shrink even more.

And 2010 doesn't look like it's going to be much better.

It appears the state is ready to outlaw greyhound racing. House Bill 630 which essentially reauthorizes horse racing in the state but writes greyhound racing out of existing statutes, is expected to be passed by the House, perhaps as soon as its first 2010 session next Wednesday.

Well, it's like our old daddy used to say, into everyone's life a little rain must fall. Just ask Noah.

Noah at least had the lord to give him the heads up reality wise speaking though. The overlords, ah, not so much.

Last month there were 11 races each night of racing at TUCSON GREYHOUND PARK now there is 15 and 16 races are scheduled for 1/01/10.

Yessiree, nothing smells more like success than giving people more of what they don't want, right Kristi?

Kristi is another refugee from Dairlyland who has just landed in the area. We don't know much about her except that she seems to have more sense than the overlords because she got out when the getting was good. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Think How Much This Guy Could Have Made Off The Sinking Of The Lusitania

OK we got this guy here in Michigan name of Pete Hoekstra. Right now he's a congressman but he wants to be governor. We're not sure why. Being governor of Michigan now is sort of like being head architect at the Lego Corporation.

Hey. Our blog, our similes. Just go with it.

Anyway, after the underwear bomber tried to blow up flight 253 Petey highed himself out to every mass media outlet with the lights on to opine on the subject of terrorism, black presidents and how one inexorably leads to the other.

Of course the fact that he voted against giving the TSA a little over a billion to use for explosives detection technology wasn't brought up. We're sure it was just an oversight on Petey's part. Hard to keep track of all those votes when you're busy Tweeting your whereabouts to Al Qeada. Either that or he was Tweeting his solidarity with the Iranian dissidents dying in the streets of Tehran while he sat comfortably at his desk making faces at Nancy Pelosi.

How do you say Wolverines! in Persian?

So right now you're thinking "Whoa. What is this guy, from South Carolina or something? Man, we bet Ironicus is about to pile on this Bozo."

Nope. We here in the marbled halls of IM Central hereby endorse the candidacy of Peter Hoekstra for governor of Michigan.

See, right now Michigan needs money like Rove needs a new reason to defend the sanctity of marriage and Petey's just the guy to get it for us because he sees opportunity where others see terror and he's not afraid to take advantage of the suffering of others.

The way we see it, if he gets elected governor, the longer the war on terror lasts, the better off the state will be. Forget that automotive industry stuff, we got people like Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab out there fund raising. Casino taxes? Kid's stuff once Petey gets a hold of another embassy bombing. Graduated income tax? Won't be an income tax at all if they don't catch Osama.

This is the Can Do American attitude in action, right Hoekstra’s spokesman Truscott?

This is hottest issue going right now. Everybody’s talking about it’s the lead story in the news all across the country,” Truscott said. “As a leading national expert on this issue, it’s certainly appropriate to raise this issue as he talks about the leadership he could bring to Michigan.

Darn straight. Raise the issue, raise the cash. Vote against the issue, keep the cash. Has this guy got it going on or what? Hey, we've got a campaign slogan for you Mr. Hoekstra:

Peter Hoekstra for Governor: When two faces just aren't enough

Inspector Javert Call Your Office

We're coming to you today from the Department of Theological Complications here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, we'll be the first to admit that we didn't pay a whole lot of attention to Sister Arnulfa back in catechism class--well, except when she roamed the aisles with her ruler during the time we were supposed to be practicing the Latin responses to what the priest said at mass. You could expect a whack if she suspected you of saying "Don't throw your biscuits" instead of "Dominus Vobiscum."

Hey, come on. We were kids. Anyway, the point is if the ten commandments had come with asterisks and footnotes, we're pretty sure we would have noticed. But now it seems there are...um...extenuating circumstances.

Poor people who are desperate for cash have been advised to go forth and shoplift from major stores - by an Anglican priest.

OK, so right away we're thinking this isn't one of the anglicans traded to the catholics for the religious statue souvenir concession in Cornwall and a cardinal to be named later, see because when it comes to upsetting the rich and powerful popey don't play that.

Now, before you dig out your King James and go looking for the appendix to number 7, just hang on a minute and put on your thinking zucchetto. Holy folks saying there is wiggle room in the Big Ten are nothing new, from the Crusades to Torquemada right on up to our current holy Joe, it's almost like every commandment ends with a "yeah but," or an "except when," or an "unless." Our own personal theory is that none of this would have happened if god had just chosen a lawyer to give the commandments to instead of a shepherd, but we digress.

The thing that's given us a St. Augustine moment about this latest...ah...clarification of holy writ is this:

"I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses."

Ransack the local Wal-mart, yeah we get that. Means the Chinese workers will just have to work that much harder to earn their 37 cents a day to make up for the loss, but hey, they're like buddhists or something aren't they? Do they even have a bible?

No, the problem we have with the good father's plan to hasten the time when the bear lies down with the bull is franchises.

Yes franchises. Locally owned stores associated with national, sometimes global chains. See, unless the aspiring Jean Valjean is aware of that, he's likely to end up actually breaking number 8 when he thinks he's in the clear. Then he gets up to the pearly gates and St. Peter's all like, "Dude, should have read the company prospectus before you employed your five finger discount."

Can you see the spot this puts poor people in? Not only do they have to learn a whole new set of skills to avoid the security cameras and such because you know the cops aren't going to take "Father Tim said I could" as an excuse, they practically have to become MBA's to make sure they don't run afoul of the good book. S type corporation? LLC? Limited partnership? Publicly held? Should I exempt green companies regardless of size? Should I make a special target of companies doing business with South Africa?

It's a good thing Robin Hood isn't alive to see this.

On The Bright Side, You'll Have More Time To Argue For Intelligent Design

Ha! You just have to love an article that starts out:

Proponents of sex education classes that focus on encouraging teenagers to remain virgins until marriage are hoping...

Yeah, well that's sort of been the problem all along hasn't it?

"We're optimistic," said Valerie Huber of the National Abstinence Education Association, which is lobbying to maintain funding for the programs. "Nothing is certain, but we're hopeful."

Oh we beg to differ, Ms. Huber. Since your programs have been enacted, one thing is certain:

Teen pregnancies rose in the United States for the first time since 1991, the National Institutes of Health reported. The report comes after a spate of high-profile teen pregnancies: that of 17-year-old TV star Jamie Lynn Spears, who recently gave birth to a daughter, as well as the pregnancies of numerous students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts.

Bristol Palin anyone? Anyone? Levi?

As part of Obama's first budget, Congress approved a request for more than $110 million for a new "teenage pregnancy prevention" initiative that would only fund programs that have been "proven effective through rigorous evaluation," which would effectively eliminate abstinence programs.

Now don't go getting all sciency and stuff there Mr. President fancy guy who can read and write and stuff. Besides, we've got our own science book. It's called the bible. Right Ms. Huber?

Huber and other defenders disputed that studies had shown abstinence programs were ineffective. They argued that research had shown the programs were superior to comprehensive efforts when administered in the schools. "It's disingenuous to use data from a clinic-based setting and say it will be effective in school-based setting," she said.

Darn straight. Everybody knows the kids that come to clinics aren't the same kids that go to school.

Vernita Griffith, who runs the Youth Awake abstinence program in Raleigh, N.C., said her group is among those hoping their funding will continue. It is in the second year of what was supposed to be almost $500,000 in annual funding for five years to encourage teens to remain abstinent.

"How the heck am I going to get another job in an economy like this," Griffith said.

She has a point. Not much demand for professional scolds these days.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well here we are at last, that very special day everyone waits for all year long. Yes, we're talking about Friday Hound Blogging, but not just any Friday Hound Blogging, the last Friday Hound Blogging of the year. As frequent reader(s) of this blog are well aware, time is the highwayman who robs us of youth and plunders our dreams...er...we mean are well aware that the last FHB of the year is one in which we not only feature a skinny dog looking for a home, but follow him or her until said home and couch are secured.

It has not slipped our attention that today is special for another less pertinent reason. Today is armistice day in the War on Christmas but the peace is tenuous at best and we don't expect it to last a full year. Yet the spirit of the day infects us like the Mexican pig flu and so we will refrain from our usual cruel and sophomoric attempts at humor at the expense of the overlords.

Instead we will offer advice to one nameless young fellow, or perhaps young lady, we don't know as stupidity and callous disregard for living creatures show no gender preference, who recently queried the following:

i recently got introduced to greyhound racing and i want to know more about the dogs for a while without placing a bet i would love to watch some recent races online so i can familiarise with the dogs.

Dear sir, or madam, we suggest you "familiarise" with these fellows, then use your two dollars to start an education fund. It's never too late to pass the sixth grade! Signed: your friends at Ironicus Maximus.

"God Bless Us Everyone," Tiny Tim said. Then whacked old Scrooge in the groin with his crutch. "That's for taking the public option out of the Health Care Reform Bill you old goat." Dickens took that part out of later editions. Anyway, time to meet Lazlo.

Lazlo is so recently come from the benevolent care of the overlords that we know nothing about him except that he is a refugee from Dairlyland along with hundreds of his brothers and sisters. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Well, here we are on the eve of that day that is approximately four months before the birth of the little baby Jesus to a virgin mother and a confused father. Little known biblical fact: Joseph always wondered why Jesus looked like the mailman, but he never confronted Mary about it because she told him there were angels hiding in the walls with fiery swords who would leap out to defend her honor. Turned out it was just rats though.

And what better way to celebrate this glorious season of peace and love than to take the family out to the dog park to see the units exploited?

The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track will be closed Thursday and will reopen with a special live racing program on Christmas Day at 6:30 p.m. "Yeah. When all you get for christmas is one of those pine tree car fresheners and a lotto ticket, it's not like your social schedule is overly full," said one track worker who asked not to be named due to outstanding warrants.

Ah, tradition. And speaking of tradition, alert readers of this blog will have long since given up expecting anything sensible to issue forth from these pages...er...we mean will have noticed that we are bringing you another edition of Hound Home For The Holidays in which we endeavor to place a needy needle nose on a couch.

This year it seems with tracks closing faster than overlords run from a job fair there are more eligible pooches out there than ever, so if you've got a soft spot in your heart, or in your living room, we've got just the friendly package of fur and bones to full it up. Right Jaden?

Jaden is very curious and likes to explore his surroundings. He found another dog in the mirror and growled at him but is fine with the other greys in the home. He likes to be around everyone whether sitting or following around the house. He is quiet and calm and is starting to be more playful. He is trying to sneak up on the couch and is learning “NO”. Jaden would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Maybe We Should Just Pray For God To Sit This One Out

OK, now you may laugh at the poor guy who called in to a radio show concerned that in answering his prayers to turn the democrats into dung beetles so they couldn't vote on health care reform God may have missed and taken out senator Inhofe, but this is serious stuff because, well, let's be honest here, god in not known for his aim.

We mean, just look at the facts. Right out of the gate god wipes out the whole planet except for Noah and a bunch of strays because he was mad at a few people in the middle east. Come on, big guy. People in Asia hadn't even heard of you yet and they get flushed too? What's that all about? And then after the deluge you leave the kangaroos to find their own way to Australia? Create the universe in six days and you can't even spend five minutes to give the poor Joeys a miracle or something?

Modern technology doesn't seem to have helped either. In order to get a few homos in New Orleans, god wiped out all of Louisiana and most of Mississippi. Oh, sure you had your mouthpiece give you credit for 9/11 and all, but we're not buying it because the guys who drove those planes into the buildings were muslim fanatics and they didn't believe in you anyway. Besides, everyone knows allah is so good if you ask him he can guide arrows and stuff.

So while allah is out helping folks to eat, what are you doing? Giving us the swine flu, except instead of just giving it to America because we're all sinners and sodomites and commies and whatnot, you give it to the whole world.

You can see why the caller was concerned. One thing christians learn early on is that when god gets his wrath on, no one is safe, but we think this fellow can relax. God has about as much chance of hitting one guy as the Cubs do of winning the pennant.

No there's a miracle we'd like to see.

Update: There is some thought that this may have been an attempt to punk senator Barrasso, but even if that's true, we stand by our analysis because a ruse wouldn't have had a chance of working if there weren't a kernel of truth in it, like the time god almost wiped out Egypt because the Pharaoh wouldn't let the Israelites join a union or something. Hey, Mr. Ruler of the Universe Guy, that was the Pharaoh's doing. It wasn't like Egypt was a democracy and the common folks got to vote on keeping the Jew as slaves. But Nooooo, you have to kill everybody's first born. Heck of a job Yahweh.

Gives A Whole New Meaning To "Police! Stop Or I'll Shoot"

Out doing some last minute shopping for Sol Invictus today. Please head over to Ed's and laugh at this guy. When a newspaper story starts out "No one disputes that an on-duty Irvine police officer got an erection and ejaculated on a motorist during an early-morning traffic stop in Laguna Beach" you know you're in for some ironicus at its maximus.

We'll be out trying to do things that make the baby Jesus cry.

One question though: how did the cop's...erm...response get through his pants and on to the sweater of the nice stripper lady?

Does This Mean No More Lives Of The Saints Trading Cards?

Last week we told you about poor Mr. Ted Alvin Klaudt and his attempt to earn a little extra scratch for the holidays while repaying his debt to society by copyrighting his name.

And you laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, who's laughing now, heathen?

The vatican office of rendering unto Caesar made a declaration on the protection of the figure of the pope. The statement seeks to commodify and profit from the name, image and any symbols of the pope as being expressly for official use of the Holy See unless otherwise purchased. When asked why the pope needed such protection when he was the personal representative of god on earth a vatican spokesman replied, "God doesn't pay licensing fees."

The statement cited a "great increase of pagan silliness against the person of the Holy Father" in recent years as contributing to a desire to use the Pontiff's name for all manner of secular jocularity. "These people are cleaning up with pope bobbleheads and 'The pope's my homey' t-shirts," said one bishop who asked not to be named. "We just want a cut of the action. We got bills you know."

Due to this demand, the vatican has felt it necessary to declare that "it alone has the right to collect the filthy luchre for a guy who is usually seen in public wearing the drapes and a hat that would look better on a rodeo clown, and therefore, to protect the figure and personal identity of the pope from the unauthorized use of his name and/or the papal coat of arms for ends and activities which have little or nothing to do with the Catholic Church unless there's a little sumpin sumpin for us know what we're saying?"

The declaration alludes to attempts to use ecclesiastical or pontifical symbols and logos to "attribute magical powers to initiatives" as another reason to establish their “copyright” on the Holy Father's name, picture and coat of arms. "Papal condoms? Come on," said one priest visiting St. Peters. "Although we did seriously consider the Holy Mary Mother of God Water Fun Park."

"Consequently, the use of anything referring directly to the person or office of the Supreme Pontiff... and/or the use of the title 'Pontifical,' must receive previous and express authorization from the Holy See," said Cardinal Guido No Pants Belladucci, head of the vatican collections enforcement office.

Friday Hound Blogging

That sound you here is the death rattle of another year, or maybe it's another track closing, we're not sure. Let's see, got your Dairyland, got your Raynham, got your Phoniex, got your Twin River, got your Valley Race Park. Nope, not a track. For now.

We're looking at you Tucson.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious this year hasn't been kind to the overlords, which is sort of like every other year since they made that fateful decision after their third attempt at sixth grade to strike out on their own and seek their fortune.

How'd that turn out for you?

The greyhound racing chief steward accused of being paid thousands
of dollars to tamper with drug tests and substitute race dogs has been sacked. The Greyhound Racing Authority issued a statement today saying chief steward Rodney Potter's employment was terminated following a meeting of the authority's regulatory committee. He now faces five charges of breaching the Greyhound Racing Authority Act 1999.

Aw, man. How's a guy supposed to run a business with all those goody two shoes animal rights wackos looking over his shoulder all the time?

It's hard out here for an overlord, but we tell you this by way of introduction to our main point that even though fortune takes perverse pleasure in peeing on the overlords' shoes, there is another group of unfortunates who are even less likely to have their situation improved by the long awaited emancipation of the units...er...dogs, namely, the rubes.

Mike Sergio and his buddies, Bob Foley and Jimmy Gorham, have been going to the greyhound race track for decades because baseball and football were too complicated for them to understand. Now retired, they come a couple of times a week, and not just to gamble. "It's kind of a social thing with us," Sergio says. "Jimmy, he's the one who can read, he tells us which dog to bet on," He added.

"It's entertainment," Foley adds, his voice trailing off slightly because he knows what is 'entertainment' to him is pain, abuse and meaningless death to innocent animals.

Mike Curran, 53, is a trainer and kennel owner who got hooked on greyhound racing more than 30 years ago, right after he suffered traumatic brain injury in a car accident. He often works 14 hours a day dressing himself.

"This is all I've ever known, since I was 20 years old. It's all that I have been doing. And they just ruined my life. Now I've got to move," Curran says. "'Course, at least I am still alive," he adds. "Unlike most of the dogs that come through here, so I guess it's all good."

Sergio, Foley and Gorham say they'll probably still meet at Raynham after live racing ends, because it's the only place they can get to by themselves. But they won't come nearly as often.

Neither will Clifton Pierce, a retired carpet installer who liked to come to the track about three times a week, usually with $20 in his wallet to place on about six races. This is my enjoyment," says Pierce, "not that I win."

Well, if winning isn't what he enjoys, we suggest taking that twenty dollars and setting it on fire. Then he can watch the pretty pretty flames, huh Shorty? By the way, did you get 'enjoyment' from breaking your leg so these Bozos could be entertained while losing the rent money?

Shortcake AKA Shorty is playful and active. He is curious, good natured and easygoing. He is affectionate. He will stand very close to you when he wants attention. He likes to be petted and snuggled. He likes to steal papers or bread. Shorty would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He is recovering from a broken leg, so he would probably be better in a home with limited stairs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.