Monday, January 31, 2005

Come To Think Of It, Porky Pig Talks With A Lisp

We're not sure, but we think we've spotted a trend. It seems that in this age of unrest, revolution and conflict abroad, and cultural controversy, economic distress and no hockey season at home, our government has chosen to protect us from ......cartoons.

We wrote before about the call to action against Spongebob Squarepants and his homo handlers, and yesterday we learned that another nefarious attempt has been made to turn the country into a hotbed of fashion experts and interior decorators. We speak of the subtle machinations of one Buster the Rabbit who has been keeping company with a couple of lesbians.

Fortunately, our sharp eyed Secretary of Education designate Margaret Spelling spotted the miscreant rabbit about his despicable deeds and fired off a letter to homo headquarters. Caught with down, the limp wristed liberals had no choice but to back off, thus making the air waves flagrantly heterosexual again and safe for our children to watch Channel One.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

January 28
Friday Hound Blogging
Once again it is time to step away from the hurly burly of the work-a-day world and engage in Friday Hound Blogging. Regular readers will know that this is the day we feature a rescued racing greyhound who, through no fault of its own, is in need of housing assistance.

Greyhounds can reach speeds of 40 mph, but sometimes even that isn't fast enough to catch the ever elusive profit bunny so earnestly coveted by their human overlords. So they find themselves out on the street and in need of the kindness of strangers. If you are so inclined, you may apply that kindness to SMA's Westexas:
Sma's Westexas
Wes is laid back and easygoing. He is a very affectionate and a real cuddler. He also gives kisses. He is from Florida and was shocked to see the Michigan snow. He is a greyhound “rooer” and tends to be vocal when left alone. He loves to look at his reflection in a mirror. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

We know this is hound day, but we just couldn't pass this up:
Experts agree
The message? Stay in school kids and someday you too can be an "expert."

Thursday, January 27, 2005

How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?

January 27
It's not often the denizens of the marbled halls here at IM Central agree on anything of any great import. Actually it's not often we notice anything of any great import, but that's not the point.

Stories about the formation of the president's cabinet have intruded into our space and harshed our mellow. As a result, we have come to the conclusion that our national moral compass has been getting a bad rap about his cabinet. Everywhere we look pundits and commentators are complaining that the Bush team is full of yes men, toadys, brown nosers, sycophants, and flatterers. (OK, he's not a cabinet member, but jeez, the guy would donate a kidney to Bush's dog for crying out loud.) The media point out that this can cause the president's connection to reality to become tenuous and perhaps disconnected. Guys. You're talking about a drunk and a drug addict. What does that tell you about his desire to be connected to reality?

But back to the toadys. Look at the evidence folks. Every time his people do something, he has to tell them not to do that. When his minions give payola to "journalists" to hawk the party line, the president has to say don't do that. His lawyer finds a way to rationalize torture. The Prez says don't do that. Well, don't do it so much, or so often. Ok, go ahead you scalawag you. Cooking up "intelligence" to justify a war. Don't do that, exclaims the Chief. Well, here's a medal for doing that, you knuckle head you. Engaging in story telling time before the UN? Not a good idea opines the POTUS. Funny story there. Turns out the president can't make up his mind on why we attacked Iraq either.

Now think about this for a moment. If you were the president and you wanted to gather a group of willing willies and wilmas around you to preen your feathers, to pick your nits, to groom your coat, to bask in your manly glow, is this the group you would pick?

We feel sorry for the guy. Here he is sitting in the big chair next to the phone with all the buttons and bright, blinking lights pretending to listen to some senator or representative talking about people without health care or children going to bed hungry and all the time he's wondering if there will be chocolate milk for lunch. Then in rushes one of his aides to tell him that this or that cabinet member has pulled another boner and now he, the president and personal friend of our savior will have to go into the same room with those heathen reporter people (who he is sure make fun of him behind his back) and pull the offending employee's rocks out of the fire.

It's a hard job. Very hard.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Always Low Wages. Always.

January 26
Pity poor Wal-Mart. After becoming the largest corporate political contributor in the country it turns out there was one politician in the Congress they forgot to buy: Representative George Miller (D-Calif.). His office recently issued a report that, among other things, pointed out that Wal-Mart "blocks union organizing efforts, pays employees an average $8.23 an hour (as compared to more than $10 for an average supermarket worker), allegedly extracts off-the-clock work, and provides inadequate and unaffordable healthcare packages for employees."

What kind of democracy is this? Attempts by the retailing giant to have Miller's election decertified have so far not met with success, however an ad was placed in Soldier of Fortune magazine by a family owned Arkansas grocery and sundry business looking for a "problem solver" willing to travel. Discrete inquiries only.

But back to the report: "Wal-Mart's low wages and inadequate benefits not only hurt workers directly, but impose costs on taxpayers. The report estimated that one 200-person Wal-Mart store may result in a cost to federal taxpayers of $420,750 per year – about $2,103 per employee. These public costs include: $36,000 a year for free and reduced lunches for just 50 qualifying Wal-Mart families. $42,000 a year for Section 8 housing assistance, $125,000 a year for federal tax credits and deductions for low-income families, $100,000 a year for the additional Title I [educational] expenses, and $108,000 a year for the additional federal healthcare costs of moving into state children's health insurance programs (S-CHIP)."

But hey! Soap is cheaper and the workers always say "Hi." Even the ones that are blinking morse code for SOS.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Damn Dirty Apes, Part II

January 25
If you don't think it's hard being white, rich and connected in this country, listen to the tales of horror told by some of the recent attendees at the recently concluded "peaceful transfer of power" from George W. Bush to his successor, George W. Bush.

"They need a new law for these protesters: 'You cross the line, you do the time,' " said Kenneth E. Boring, 80, still apparently irritated by the experience as he waited to leave Reagan National Airport. You probably think we're going for the easy joke here, but no, we're better than that. In fact we use this opportunity to point out that all Republican contributors are not hopelessly out of touch with the 21st century by pointing out Mr. Boring's nifty allusion to a Johnny Cash song I Crossed the Line. Or maybe it's a reference to Baretta. Whatever, this guy is with it, you know.

"It's time to put a stop to all this nonsense, protesting and causing confusion," Boring said. Yep. don't need none of that there confusion, you know? Thinking causes that. By the way, Mr. Boring is a "Republican Eagle." That means he gives at least 15K a year to the GOP. And still has to share the same air with those dirty hippies! How much does a man have to spend?

Justin Moidel, 17, who lives in the Pittsburgh area, attended the swearing-in with friends. "I liked being part of history, and the passage of power," said Moidel, who said he considers himself a conservative Democrat. "But the long lines and being protested against. . . . There was one lady who yelled at me, 'Are you prepared to die?' I guess she thinks Bush is an aggressive leader who will get us into war." You think? Folks, I think we have found the child that has been left behind.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Oh. I Thought You Meant Did I Want An Aide

January 24
Ok, we had to figure that since the president got reelected (with a mandate no less) he would be able to get his kids a job--even with the nakedidity thing going on. OK, so the twins didn't really show up for the inaugural balls with their chests hanging out after all, but that was a close one. We hear the folks at Badgley Mischka are designing gowns for the Iraqi inauguration balls now. "We're doing some really innovative things with Burkas and Body Armor" the Chief Designer---who didn't want to give his name--said. Anyway, when we wrote about Jello Shot Jenna going to teach at a charter school in Washington we figured that was the end of it, until the inevitable scandal. You know, keggers in detention hall, stuff like that.

Imagine our surprise when we opened the paper and read that Linda Moore, Executive Director of the Elsie Whitlow Stokes Community Freedom Public Charter School and Car Wash said that "Jenna Bush is not employed as a teacher at the school."

See, this is what happens when you fill out job applications while you're high because, come to find out, JSJ is a Teacher's aide at the school. Checked the wrong box we suppose. At least the rumor is that she's a teacher's aide. Ms Moore would neither confirm nor deny that. what is the first chugger doing?

OK. First person to get a photo of Jenna in custodian coveralls, mopping up some vomit can name their price. Especially if the vomit is hers.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

January 21
Friday Hound Blogging
Once again we take time out from our daily routine to engage in another episode of Friday Hound Blogging . As you know, on this day each week we feature a rescued racing greyhound, who, only because he or she is not fast enough to line the pockets of his or her owner with the filthy lucre finds him or herself homeless. Sort of what the president would like to do for social security recipients. Privatized accounts? Place your bets ladies and gentlemen. Guess wrong on the direction of the market and we may be publishing your picture here someday.

But about the dogs. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here. Then meet Loomis:
Loomis is a real lover boy and a dancer. When it is time to eat or when he gets a cookie, he will dance around. He is a sweetheart and loves to be petted. He really loves to snuggle with the foster family. For an older boy, he is fairly playful. He enjoys running in the yard and enjoys playing with raw hides. He also prances and does a “po-go” dog when he gets a treat. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Oh, You Think It's Just A Cartoon, Huh?

January 20
OK. Forget the causalities in Iraq. Forget the children who go to bed hungry in this country. Forget the people who don't have health insurance.

We've got to do something about the fact that SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IS GAY and he's after your kids! Yes the right not-reverend James Dobson (yes, that James Dobson) has said it is so. It seems the primitive little marine animal (Spongebob, not James) is starring in a video promoting "tolerance" with his gay buddies Barney and Jimmy Neutron. "Tolerance!" So that's what the homos are calling it these days.

Barney was outted years ago (He's a herbivore for crying out loud!) but we have to admit that we held out some hope for Jimmy Neutron even though his parents struck us as classic blue staters. You know how they like to raise "sensitive" kids.

Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family, said "We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said. "It is a classic bait and switch."

See, that's funny because Spongebob lives under the water. With fish and stuff. So they "bait" and switch. Or is it swish?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Where's Lawrence Welk When You Need Him

January 19
We actually turned off the big screen plasma in preparation for the orgy of American Family Values that we expected would flood the airwaves during the impending coronation of The Role Model in Chief. Not that we're against families, or values, but from what we had seen of the previews this was shaping up to be something like the Abu Ghraib of wholesomeness. A sort of 24/7 tour of Donny Osmand's world with no way out. Kind of like that Star Trek episode where the crew was trapped in a hotel where the story in a novel was playing out again and again, except this novel was The Wit and Wisdom of Pat Boone. It was as if an alternate universe had broken through to ours. One where Leave It To Beaver replaced the Constitution.

Well, anyway, with the Big Screen out of commission we were at loose ends, aimlessly wandering the marbled halls here at IM Central. Until we came across this that is. Almost the first thing that happens at Bushfest '05 is someone drops the F bomb.

Gack! The evil liberals have infiltrated the proceedings. Someone call Tom Ridge. It's that damn rock and roll. Even more disconcerting was the fact the Jenna and her sister what'shername were there. Is this the kind of security we provide for the first partiers? OK so they were back in the balcony at the time doing Jello shots, but that's not the point.

Later in the show we are told, someone rode a skateboard onto the stage. Luckily he was Tasered by a Security Guard before he could say anything. Ahhh...virtue protected is virtue preserved.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Damn Dirty Apes!

January 18
Science and theology. Two subjects that will not make the highlight reel of our memories as students. Well, there was that time in chemistry when we learned the many a varied uses of hydrogen sulfide. And there was the time good Father McKenzie was visiting our class from the local parish and asked what we thought religion meant. We volunteered that it was the bureaucratized worship of a deity or deities. We got the impression it wasn't the answer he was going for.

Yet, when we read this about the refusal of a judge to allow a sticker to be put on biology textbooks in Cobb County Georgia informing students that evolution was just a theory and not a fact it got us thinking about those poor teachers who were only trying to do their jobs in a difficult situation. We being the primary difficulty.

We seem to remember though, that faith was what enabled us to leap beyond the reality of the natural world, not the cover we used to protect us from it. We also have this memory of someone telling us that science was what explained the natural world in natural ways.

Of course we also spent a lot of time staring at Sally Konkalevski in the hopes she would notice us (Oh what faith we had then!) so we may not have the story straight.

Anyway, in an attempt to bring harmony out of chaos and discord, we suggest that children of Cobb Country parents who prefer that they still believe the Biblical story of creation be instructed to stick their fingers in their ears and go "LALALALALALALA, I can't hear you." whenever the subject of evolution comes up.

In a 5-2 vote, the Cobb County School Board has decided to appeal the Judge's decision requiring the stickers to be removed. When asked how they plan to approach the appeal Board member Curt Johnson said, "I plan to threaten to stick beans up my nose and the rest of the Board will hold their breath until the appeal is granted."

Monday, January 17, 2005

What did you learn in school today, Sally?

January 17
The way we remember career day back in school, we'd get a cop and a fireman and maybe doctor and that was about it. Well, one time we got the Mayor, but that was a community service thing, so it really didn't count. These guys would come in (and yes, they were always guys) a tell us what a wonderful job they had and how we all had to stay in school and do what our teachers told us and we could grow up to be just like them, fat, balding, hypertensive and divorced.

Boy! or maybe Girl! is a better expletive, the times have changed, at least at Palo Alto Middle School where the students were recently treated to a visit by Bill Fried who told them (well the female students anyway) they could make up to $250,000 a year as strippers and that for every two inches they added to their busts, their income would go up $50,000. Gives a whole new range of meanings to asset appreciation doesn't it?

Principal Joe DiSalvo said he "may" consider having Mr. Fried back next year. Ok, but in the interest of gender equity, where's the Chippendale's spokesperson?

Friday, January 14, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

January 14
Once again, we present Friday Hound Blogging. Yes, we know about Atrios and TBogg but this is much better because these hounds are retired racing greyhounds that are looking for homes. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Besides, greyhounds are way cooler than Basset Hounds, and don't even think about cats. So, without further preliminaries, we present this week's guest, Brandon's Best:
brandons best

Brandon is very sweet and loving. He is young and puppy-like. He loves to play with toys and the other dogs in the home. He always wants to be near and touching you all the time. His ears stand straight up and will touch each other most of the time, but sometimes, one ear flops toward his head. Instead of taking the toys out of the basket, he will drag the whole basket around. Brandon is energetic, curious, and playful; he needs to have a lot of toys and chew things around to keep him entertained. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Ball, As In Take Your Eye Off Of

January 13
We generally don't like to share the spotlight here at IM Central, preferring to think that we can hold our snark with the best of them, but occasionally even we have to doff the chapeau.

By way of a little background, we have been keeping our distance from the CBS, Dan Rather Memogate brouhaha because, well, accusing the MSM (which we thought stood for Many Serious Miscalculations) of stupidity is setting the stupidity standard a bit low. Of course there were those who thought this was actually news. To those folks we say, news is about the unusual. Getting excited about a story old media gets wrong is like getting excited about a plane landing safely instead of crashing.

Frankly we think the whole thing was masterminded by Karl Rove to distract attention from the fact that Bush took his military commitments about as seriously as Larry King takes his wedding vows, as seriously as Bill O'Reilly takes the truth, as seriously as Pat Robertson takes the golden rule, as seriously as, well, you get the picture. Anyway, the point is, the media went for it, which brings us back to that stupidity standard again.

So, without further ado, we expose our naked skull to the heavens in honor of The Poor Man, who couldn't have said it better.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

MSM. Well, as long as you tried your best

January 12

Occasionally, when there is nothing violent or titillating on the Big Screen Plasma, (and by that we mean Bill O'Reilly) we like to peruse the old world by peeking in on the print media, otherwise known as MSM, which we think stands for Multiple Senseless Misinterpretations. Yesterday we unearthed these two tidbits.

First, one of the lawyers--you knew there'd be a lawyer in here somewhere didn't you?--one of the lawyers defending Charles Graner who is accused of numerous violations of the Geneva Convention and the Boy Scout Oath for his activities in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal said "piling naked prisoners into pyramids and leading them by a leash were acceptable methods of prisoner control. He compared this to pyramids made by cheerleaders at sports events and tethers put on toddlers by their parents."

OK. We can buy the leash thing, but nobody told us there were naked cheerleader pyramids! Why were we not informed? This information needs to be more widely disseminated.

The second bit of enlightenment we ran across was a story about some elementary students in Fredricksburg Maryland who were asked to sound out some vowel sounds on one of those new tests that schools seem so fond of giving these days.

No problem there, except that these students all attended the Maryland School for the Deaf!

Now before you go getting all up in the face of the school officials who were behind this, you should know that everything would have turned out OK if they had just made the words bigger so the kids could hear them.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

That's Agenda With A Capital 'A'

January 11
We have to admit that the battle for the hearts and minds of our nation's youth between the uptight, er, upright forces of goodness and virtue and the homos hasn't stirred much interest here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Well, perhaps hearts and minds aren't the body parts we should be listing, but no matter. Reruns of The Simple Life on the big screen plasma usually attract more interest among the flaming heteros who roam the grounds around here.

So it was only with passing indifference that we noted the Supreme Court's refusal to hear a case from Florida banning the adoption of children by gay and lesbian couples. The only such ban in the country.

Matthew Staver, President of the hetero-centric Liberty Council said, the decision (or actually lack of one) "sends a message that the court is not going to be open to a broad based homosexual agenda."

"Agenda." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. Well, perusing the latest photo of the distinguished justices, we can't see how there is much "agenda" going on there anyway. Homo or otherwise, although we've always wondered about what goes on when the robes come off between Thomas and Scalia. Especially after that orgy remark.

Well, that got us thinking about the Resistor in Chief and paragon of family values, The distinguished Governor from Texas. What's that? He's the President now? How did that happen? Somebody must have been asleep at the switch.

No matter. We see Mr. Bush out touting his family friendly agenda Using Mike and Sharla Hinz as an example. The Reverend Mike (yes, he is a Reverend--a First Assembly of God youth Pastor) said he was going to use the extra money he had received through the generous tax cutting of Mr. Bush to buy a wood-burning stove to more efficiently heat their home, make some home improvements and go on a vacation to Minnesota. Ah, it's daylight in America again.

But wait. It turns out the good pastor is a child molester. Dang! We hate when that happens. Well, at least he's a good old fashioned hetero child molester. Can't have them homos around the kids, you know.

Monday, January 10, 2005

The Best Education Money Can Buy

January 10

Well, well well, isn't this special. It turns out that "Scientifically proven" methods of educating the young people wasn't enough. Secretary of Education Rod Paige had to rent a pundit to help put the proper emphasis on all the successes schools are having now that they've been blinded by science.

Now there are those who may scoff at Dr. Paige's free market approach to his job, but we think he's just taking a clue from his colleagues in the administration. After all, look at the other results the administration reports: War in Iraq? Going swimmingly. Economy? Gang busters. Environment? Sweet. See, it doesn't matter what's actually happening, as long as you say it's good. Sort of the Dr. Pangloss theory of government. And if you have to throw a few bucks around occasionally to grease the skids, so to speak, well, what's the big deal?

Dr. Paige's only problem was that, unlike his colleague at the Department of Defense, he had only money and not bombs with which to make his case.

Friday, January 07, 2005

January 3 - 7, 2005

January 7
Friday Hound Blogging
As part of our community service, part of our service to the community, we continue with the tradition of Friday Hound Blogging. Yes, we know about Atrios and TBogg but this is much better because these hounds are retired racing greyhounds that are looking for homes. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Besides, greyhounds are way cooler than Basset Hounds, and don't even think about cats. So, without further preliminaries, Here's our guest of the day, Bella Blanco:

Bella Blanco

Bella is very sweet, easygoing, happy, and loves attention. She will approach and nudge you with her nose for attention. She is a greyhound “collector” who takes all the dog toys from the toy box to her bed. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

January 6
Ok, so we put yesterday's post in the good eye roll category and expected that we would be on our merry way to the Senate challenge to the Ohio Electoral vote count. We were really looking for some great oratorical gems to fall from the lips of our elected glitterati, like "We've got the White House and you don't neener neener neener," and "Republicans are poopy heads," but it turns out, what we thought was an anomaly, an aberration, a peculiarity, an eccentricity, an irregularity was actually part of a movement. A bowel movement perhaps, but a movement none-the-less.

We direct your attention to one David Holcberg
who is called a research associate at the Ayn Rand Institute and his thoughts on the recent tsunami disaster.

We remember reading Atlas Shrugged back in the day, although we don't recall anything in it about tsunamis, we do recall thinking Dagny was sort of hot.

Anyway Mr. Research Associate Holcberg opines that

The United States government, however, should not give any money to help the tsunami victims.

His reasoning is that the money isn't the government's to give because they have "extorted" it from the taxpayers. He explains that politician's have no "right" to give our money away, yet those pesky fiscal libertines can get away with this because

they have the morality of altruism on their side. According to altruism--the morality that most Americans accept and that politicians exploit for all it's worth--those who have more have the moral obligation to help those who have less.

And we let them do it because we are altruism enablers.

It is Americans' acceptance of altruism that renders them morally impotent to protest against the confiscation and distribution of their wealth.

Now here's where it gets a little confusing.

It is past time to question--and to reject--such a vicious morality that demands that we sacrifice our values instead of holding on to them.

But wait. Didn't you just say that it's holding on to the morality of altruism that lets those dandy do gooders in Washington get away with this in the first place? So are we to hold on to the morality of altruism, or sacrifice it? Oh wait, by letting the government take the money we are sacrificing it, right? No wait. If we don't let them help the tsunami victims then we are holding on to our morality. No. That's not right either because altruism is about putting the needs of others before one's self. In other words sacrificing, and that's what we're doing isn't it? So is that a good thing or no?

This philosophy stuff was always way over our heads. We still think Dagny was hot though.

January 5
Like most of the world, we here at IM Central have been overwhelmed with the degree of destruction and suffering caused by the tsunami. By now you know of the outpouring of support on its way to the devastated and dispossessed, but if not check with your local branch of the American Red Cross.

We say "most of the world" because recently while absent mindedly surfing through the web waiting for the Orange Bowl to begin (we never liked Oklahoma anyway, but who knew those California pretty boys could play football like that)? Anyway, while waiting for the game we ran across this.

Now we never thought the so called main stream religions were supposed to be, you know, logical or anything, but when the article says,

"The lands affected by this judgment from God aren't just full of idolatry; we're talking about places (think Thailand) that are hot spots where American businessmen travel for the express purpose of fornicating with young Asian children. It is a thriving industry over there; many of these girls are taken into that business when they are seven years old or younger."

We kind of thought that might mean God would go after the American Businessmen, not the kids who are often kidnapped into the sex trades,
unless of course those businessmen happened to have recently contributed to God's campaign.

Reading on we found out who it really was God had in his sights,

"Filthy Swedes went to Thailand - world epicenter of child sex traffic - to rape and sodomize little Thai boys and girls. 20,000 dead Swedes is to Sweden's population of 9 million as 650,000 would be to America's 290 million population. We sincerely hope and pray that all 20,000 Swedes are dead, their bodies bloated on the ground or in mass graves or floating at sea feeding sharks and fishes or in the bellies of thousands of crocodiles washed ashore by tsunamis."

Yes, all these years we thought it was Osama bin Laden who was the devil's handyman when it was those evil Swedes all along. Sure fooled us.

OK, so now you're thinking why did God kill over 100,000 people just to off a few horny Swedes when he could have just turned their country into a lake of fire and been done with it? Well, the good Pastor Phelps has an explanation for that,

"As far as God killing children in His wrath, have you ever heard of the great flood? God destroyed billions of people in His wrath, including billions of children. Have you ever heard of Sodom and Gomorrah? God destroyed all of them in His wrath, including children. Have you ever heard of the plagues of Egypt? God killed the firstborn child of every family in Egypt in His wrath. Have you ever heard of the Babylonian Captivity? God destroyed countless people in His wrath, including children."

So, basically, either God isn't the greatest shot, or not such a big fan of children. Hmmm, instead of J. C. could the messiah have been W. C.?

Oh, and if you're wondering where the good Rev got his "billions of people" figure. It probably wasn't from this guy who put the figure at 235 million. Ah, a million here a million there, what's the difference when you're talking about the homos.

January 4
OK, we always thought the home grown haircuts we used to get as children were a parent's way of making sure we would have no friends, but imagine our surprise when we ran across this. We admit to sleeping through most of our catechism classes, but we thought this whole circumcision thing was originally a Jewish tradition.

The article states, "A mental evaluation conducted for Baxter's trial found no indication of mental illness but concluded that Baxter was narcissistic, immature and suffered from low self-esteem and [low] impulse control." Low self esteem? Think how his kids are going to feel. We can just see it now in the boy's locker room, "Holy Crap Baxter! What happened to you? Have a go round with a lawn mower?"

Of course the inevitable nick names will spread throughout the school, "Lefty," "Ragged," "Bender," "Broken Arrow," and "Cabbage Patch," are a few that come to mind.

Think about the poor kid's wedding night, "Oh darling, I've so been looking forward to...Holy Crap! What happened to you?"

Umm..Dad? Given the choice, we'll take the haircut.

January 3
All we can say is why didn't we think of this? All those years of that fancy book learnin' when instead we could have been suing our teachers and making happy hour without all those pesky assignments hanging over our heads. OK, so we made most of the happy hours anyway, but that's not the point.

We mean, who goes to college to learn something? Certainly not these folks. Come on now, most people know Christians are trying to track down the miscreants who stole Christmas while at the same time keeping those homos from taking over the country. That's a full time job right there, mister. And then some. Why should they learn about somebody else's religion? It just muddies up the waters, know what we mean? Heck, they could find out we aren't all that different anyway. Then where would we be?

Besides, we're trying to raise educational standards in this country. Just look at this Accelerated Reading Program we got going here. We can't just let the kids read anything can we? Got to be careful. As a wise man once said, "the problem with teaching people to think is that then you can't control what they think about. "