Tuesday, February 28, 2006

We're From Ironicus Maximus And We're Here To Help

We don't generally like to get involved in "serious issues," particularly when those issues are about science. Not one of the subjects that made our top ten list of favorite school memories. Well, there was the hydrogen sulfide incident, but that just proves there are exceptions to every rule.

Anyway we've noticed that since the Dover PA. decision in which the judge told the school board that, not only were they not scientists, they didn't even play them on TV, those who think Adam and Eve owned Dino and not Fred and Wilma don't seem to have gotten the hint so subtly put forth by Judge Jones:

Those school officials, Jones charged, ''time and again lie[d] to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose" behind promoting the theory of intelligent design, which he said was to promote religion. But other than that, their science was pretty believable. If you don't know anything about science.

So, as a public service to those of our readers still confused as to whether they are apes or, worse, Catholics, we offer (with the help of our friends here and here) the following conversation guide to evolution for the non-scientist, god hating fag lover and democrat. Not necessarily in that order.

They say, "Evolution is only a theory." You say, So is life after death. Want to hit the strip clubs?

They say, "If humans descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" You say, someone has to watch the 700 Club.

They say, "Living cells could not have evolved from inanimate chemicals due to the Second Law of Thermodynamics." You say, that law wasn't passed until the Cretaceous age.

They say, "Mutations can only eliminate traits, not produce new features." You say, then explain the evolution from Oral Roberts through Jimmy Swaggart to Pat Robertson.

They say, "Natural selection can't explain the origin of new species." You say, sure it does, but you have to understand the separated at birth hypothesis.

They say, "Nobody has ever seen a new species evolve." You say, that's because they do it in South Dakota.

They say, "Evolutionists haven't found any transitional fossils, creatures that are half reptile half bird for example." You say, sure we have. Bill O'Reilly. Oh, wait, that's half reptile half bird brain.

If you follow this easy guide soon you will be having an scintillating intellectual discussion with someone who believes that the universe is so ultimately boring that god has nothing better to do than meddle in our politics, foreign affairs and weather. We hope this helps. You may now return to your daily activities.

Monday, February 27, 2006

We Don't Need No Education

You know, the older we get the more we think we went through the educorporate system one generation too soon. (OK, maybe two generations if you want to get technical and no we don't use Grecian formula and yes those are own own teeth).

Back in the day, our Instructional Technicians would assign readings and we would do them ("do" being a word subject to several rather slippery interpretations) and aside from the occasional Cliffs Notes, life pretty much went on as usual.

Today when a reading is assigned the inmates write their representatives in Congress. And those representatives listen! Dang! Where were these guys when we were reading Moby Dick?

An Arizona state Senate committee voted to let university and community-college students opt out of required reading assignments they consider personally offensive or pornographic. "I really hated it when I was in school and they made me read all that high falutin' stuff," said state Senator Thayer Verschoor. "I don't think students should have to learn stuff they don't already know."

When asked how the word "pornographic" would be defined, Verschoor said he would "leave that up to the fellow that didn't get his assignment done."

The legislation stems from complaints by Christina Trefzger, who attended community colleges and Arizona State University. She said some required reading assigned by instructors hard. "A lot of those books had more than a hundred pages," she said. "And no pictures either."

"A lot of students are being forced to choose between their favorite shows and the demands of education," she told members of the Senate Committee on Higher Education. "I for one would prefer not to have to think about things I don't already agree with, or someone hasn't already told me how to think about."

Senator Harry Mitchell said he fears the measure will let students shield themselves from foreign ideas. "The purpose of education is exposure, to new ideas, to new ways of thinking," he said. "Well, that and keggers."

"But I don't want to learn new ways of thinking," Trefzger replied. "I'm only going to school because my parents said if I didn't I'd have to get a job and move out."

Senator Jake Flake agreed that students should be exposed to ideas they may find offensive. In his own case Flake, a rancher, said his college courses included ideas from environmentalists and others who he believes are wrong. "They tried to tell me clear cutting timber in the hills around my house would weaken the slopes and cause a landslide. What a bunch of hooey. Everyone knows it was the four inches of rain that caused the landslide. That girl should just not listen to people she doesn't agree with."

Doyle Burke, an English and humanities instructor at Mesa Community College, said the proposed legislation is flawed. He pointed out it would allow a student to demand alternative materials for anything considered "personally offensive. And by personally offensive I mean anything they have to write a paper about, or take a test on."

"Damn straight," Trefzger replied, "I mean no way. Look, I'm paying your salary, you have to do what I say."

Friday, February 24, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

It must be tough being an overlord. There's the third grade education that got you into this career. The never ending search for a cheaper trailer park to live in. The constantly untied shoes because you lost the instructions. Again. The buzzing sound in your head, and the memory loss whenever you sneeze.

That must be what happened to Gene Wayne King, 46, of Houston, and John Douglas Fuhrman.

A greyhound racer maimed in fights with other dogs died after handlers allowed the animal to suffer for two days, according to an arrest report. "I was gonna get help," King said. "But I couldn't remember where I parked my car, then I got lost and I forgot."

Injuries to Petey, the dead greyhound , were so severe that bones and muscles were exposed after the fight. "I was on break," Fuhrman said.

Help for the hurt greyhound only came after a trainer for a different kennel contacted a greyhound advocacy group, which got permission from handlers to take the dog to an emergency clinic where he died. "We never would have known about it if Fuhrman hadn't asked to come over and asked us if we thought the dog could still race," said a member of the greyhound rescue group

Dan Francati, the general manager of the Daytona Beach Kennel Club, said neither man was employed by the club. "These idiots aren't our idiots," he told reporters. "Our people would have had enough sense to cover it up before anyone found out."

He did not want to comment on a pending court case, but said the kennel takes unit welfare seriously. "Dead units mean less revenue for us," he said. "I mean it's sad when a unit gets hurt."

Yeah. We can tell you're all broken up. Right Bubba?
Bubba is Mr. Easygoing. He is laid back, gentle, lovable, and he loves affection and belly rubs. He will stand right in your way for pets. He often is found looking for things to carry around, especially toys. He tends mind his foster family well. He enjoys playing with toys. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

We Were For That War, Before We Were Against It

Ok, now we're really confused. We mean Really Confused. And scared too. Yesterday our post 9/11 mind set took a severe blow when we found ot that apparently some people in government had gone behind the president and the secretary of defense's backs and sold our ports to a brown country. White house press secretary Scott McClellan said those against the deal might be harboring secret racist tendencies.

But isn't that the point?

Worse, the president is OK with it. "I don't live near a sea port," he told reporters. "What's your point?" But they're brown Mr. president, they're brown people.

Oh. Never mind.

Now we find out Bill O'Reilly wants out of Iraq.

Yes, that Bill O'Reilly.

We like to think we're as patriotic as the next guy. Got the American flag decals and support the troops magnets. Tried to get the zoning commission to deny a request to allow a mosque be built in town. Always give the guy at the Speedy Mart an evil look. We think he's Pakastani, but close enough.

Anyway, the point is, we're trying to do our bit, to make the world safe for white people with money, but we need some guidance here and Bill was just the guy to do it.

Until today.

During the February 20 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Bill O'Reilly suggested that the United States "hand over everything to the Iraqis as fast as humanly possible."

The reason was that there were "too many nuts' in the country. Well, if anyone knows nuts it's Bill O'Reilly, so we're going to have to go with him on this one.

But this puts us on the horns of a dilemma. If we can't support the war anymore, we can't not support the war because that means we hate America, the troops, the president, Christians and Mel Gibson.

What would Jesus do?

Aww, dang it. Jesus was brown too.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

UAE. That's A Country? I Thought It Was The Dockworker's Union

Now we're confused. Like all Americans who have their minds right, we thought we'd gotten this whole Post 9/11 world view straight thanks to folks like Bill O'Reilly (motto: Falafel, it's for lovers) and Ann Coulter (motto: If I'd gotten attention as a child I wouldn't have to do this). We thought it was Down with Brown. Now we find out Brown Rocks the Dock.

We don't know whizzy, but this shizzay is F-U-Double-Nizzy as hell, yo?

president Bush, after he had been briefed by reporters on the sale, faced a split with key congressional allies when he decided to back a deal that will put an Arab company in charge of operations at six major US ports and threatened to veto congressional measure threatening it. "This deal will go through," the president said. "And you know why? Two words: Dick Cheney."

"If there were any chance that this transaction wouldn't make a bundle for my rich friends...er...our allies in the Middle East, it would not go forward," he added.

Bush suggested that going back on the arrangement would be viewed dimly by US allies in the Middle East. "Look, except for the ones who want to blow us up, we have a lot of friends in the region. After invading a sovereign nation on a false pretext we don't want them to think our word can't be trusted."

After also having the program explained to him by members of the press, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the United Arab Emirates as a reliable ally in the war on terror. "Sure they are one of three countries in the world to recognize the Taliban, have been a key transfer point for illegal shipments of nuclear components, transferred money to the 9/11 hijackers through the UAE banking system and are not cooperating in efforts to track down Osama Bin Laden’s bank accounts, but that doesn't mean they aren't on our side."

Even staunch Bush allies complained that the administration did not consult with lawmakers before allowing the sale to proceed. "This White House did nothing to communicate with Congress about our cut on this deal," Republican Representative Curt Weldon. "We're not going to allow this to happen unless we get our sumpin sumpin. Know what I'm saying?"

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said the contract raised "serious questions regarding the safety and security of our homeland. It also gives me a chance to get my presidential campaign back on the road, but that's just a coincidence."

The US business community also has joined the debate: the Miami, Florida-based Continental Stevedoring and Terminals Inc. complained in a court filing that the takeover would force it to become an "involuntary partner" with Dubai's government and "may endanger the profitability of the company."

"You've got to be greasing those Arabs' hands every time you turn around," said a company spokesperson. "It's a lot more costly than paying off a union official or two."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Just Don't Let Cheney Anywhere Near The Energizer Bunny

Oh yeah baby! That's what we're talking about! Look out Abdul, the goose that laid your golden egg of oil exports to the United States is about to go belly up. Our president has discovered alternative energy.

Saying the nation is on the verge of technological breakthroughs that would "startle" most Americans, president Bush outlined his energy proposals to help wean the country off foreign oil. "I was over talking to these scientist fellers the other day. They got this thing, it looks like a big light bulb and when you hold it up to the light the little fan inside goes around. Without any electricity or anything! Wish I'd known that before we invaded Iraq."

Half the crude oil used by refineries is produced in the United States, while 60 percent comes from foreign nations, Bush said during the first stop on a two-day trip to talk about energy. When told that added up to more than 100% Bush responded that the oil crisis was "worse than I thought."

Some of these foreign suppliers have "unstable" governments that have fundamental differences with America, he said. "We can't invade everybody," Bush continued. "You have no idea how bad the mileage you get in an tank is."

One of Bush's proposals would expand research into smaller, longer-lasting batteries." My iPod can go for days without a recharge. I was thinking, what if we put those batteries into cars and stuff?"

During his trip, Bush is also focusing on a proposal to increase investment in development of clean electric power sources. "I saw this great big ball thing, and when you touched it your hair stood up. I don't know what that's for, but it was really cool."

During his visit to Johnson Controls' new hybrid battery laboratory, Bush checked out two Ford Escapes — one with a nickel-metal-hybrid battery, the kind that powers most hybrid-electric vehicles, and one with a lithium-ion battery, which Johnson Controls believes are the wave of the future. "Do they have stereos," the president asked. "I got a real cool stereo in my truck back in Crawford."

While Bush is highlighting his budget proposals to help wean America from foreign oil, the lab he visited is meeting a $28 million shortfall by cutting its staff by 32 people, including eight researchers. "Those jobs weren't really lost," explained White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "They're being done by some folks in India now at a third of the salary. Now that's American innovation."

"Our nation is on the threshold of new energy technology that I think will startle the American people," Bush said. "I walked into this room in the lab, and the lights went on without anyone even touching a switch. I about crapped my pants."

Bush visited the United Solar Ovonics Plant, which makes solar panels. "This technology right here is going to help us change the way we live in our homes," Bush told reporters. "Just like on the Jeffersons. Now there's a good show. That Elroy, he's one smart cookie. We could use him in one of these here labs when he grows up.

"Roof makers will one day be able to make a solar roof that protects you from the elements and at the same time, powers your house," Bush said. "Just like on Star Trek. I always liked that show. That transporter thing, that was great. Can we get one of those?"

Later a spokesperson for the White House explained that the president had meant the Jetsons, not the Jeffersons, and it had been explained to him that that it was just a cartoon.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, this one's for George. A while back we learned that Nigel and Mookie are AKC greyhounds. Having spent all of our time with racing greyhounds we took the opportunity to cast a few gentle aspersions the way of the genteel class.

You know, typical stuff, like is their dog park members only; do they prefer chimichurri or cilantro and lime butter drizzled over their kibble; do their collars come from Bonwit Teller.

Stuff like that.

We kid because we love. And to show that we're all just one big happy greyhound family we draw your attention to
Marchwind BelCanto Tia Maria.

Tia Maria, a one-year-old toy Italian Greyhound took home top honors in the best in breed competition against 11 other dogs at the 130th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

You go girl.

And yes we know Tia is one of them there eye talian greyhounds, but Mookie seems to have a soft spot for them and even though they may prefer to snack on
Malfatti, gnocchi verdi accompanied by a fine Picolit rather than milk bones, 'dey all da breed and we're down wid dat, yo?

As for us, we're heading over to Dagwood's Tavern for beers and a brat. Wanna come Maynard? Afterwards we can go back to our place and watch some rasslin' on the tee vee.

Maynard, aka The Future is Now, is mellow, quiet, and very affectionate. His foster mom says he is love bug. He is a little shy around new noises and quick movements. He will nuzzle up to you for affection. He is starting to play with toys. He is a Velcro dog that wants to be with his foster parents all the time. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

And That's How To Solve The Health Care Crisis In America. Now, Who Wants Cheeseburgers?

OK, the president is off to tout his health care plan. So where is his first stop? Wendy's, home of the triple bacon cheeseburger, Biggie fries and a Biggie drink plus a coupon for $50 off your next visit to the ER.

Sometimes the Ironicus is just too Maixmus. Even for us.

Bush visited the Ohio headquarters of fast-food chain Wendy's to tout a health agenda he said would make the system complicated and confusing. "Hey, they have chicken too," the president said, when asked about his choice of locales.

Bush urged the expansion of health savings accounts, or HSAs, which allow people to set aside money they would otherwise use to pay their bills in tax-free savings accounts. When asked how the working poor, or the unemployed could afford to set money aside Bush said he had been told that those people "go up to Canada" for their treatment.

"Most Americans have no idea what their actual cost of treatment is," Bush said. "There's no reason at all to worry about price. Somebody else is paying the bill." Asked to explain how the 46 million people in the country without health insurance fit into that category the president said that he was "tired of hearing about" Katrina victims.

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said, "These are the people that brought you the war in Iraq, the Katrina response, and the new Medicare prescription drug benefit .
You'd probably have a better chance of staying healthy if you went hunting with the vice president."

health agenda also includes reining in malpractice lawsuits. "I haven't taken responsibility for any of my screw ups," the president said. "And you even reelected me. Why shouldn't doctors get the same free pass?"

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Americans! Congress Will Fight To Protect Your Rights, Wait. Was This Cleared By Cheney?

Congress appeared ready to launch an investigation into the Bush administration's warrantless spying program last week, but vice president Cheney dramatically slowed the effort and may kill it, key republican and democratic sources said.

"Look. We get the point," said one unnamed republican. Rove was bad enough, but no one wants to get shot for being against a little eavesdropping."

They attributed the shift to closed briefings given by top administration officials to the full House and Senate intelligence committees, and to private appeals to wavering GOP senators by officials, including Vice President Cheney. "He just came in, opened his coat and showed everyone a 9mm, then walked out," said one staffer who asked not to be identified.

"All we want to do is get reelected a few times and go to some meetings You know, put in our time, collect our retirement and get out of here," said one democrat on the committee. "If people want their rights protected, let them stand up to Cheney."

Lawmakers cite senators such as Olympia J. Snowe (R-Token) to illustrate the administration's success in cooling congressional zeal for an investigation. "She's got a big family," said one aide to the vice president. "Things can happen."

In an interview yesterday, Snowe, reading from a statement prepared by the Cheney's office, said, "I'm not sure it's going to be essential or necessary" to conduct an inquiry.

The White House characterized last week's closed-door briefings to the full committees as a meaningless concession and a sign of the administration's disdain for Congress and its oversight responsibilities. Many Democrats dismissed the briefings as virtually useless, but senators said yesterday they had changed their minds after being told fighting to uphold the role of Congress and protect the rights of voters would cut into their fundraising time.

John D. Rockefeller IV (D-I Need This Job), the Senate intelligence committee's vice chairman, has drafted a motion calling for a wide-ranging inquiry into the surveillance program, according to congressional sources who have seen it. Rockefeller declined to be interviewed yesterday. In fact, Rockerfeller's whereabouts were unknown at press time.

Senate intelligence committee member Mike DeWine (R-Suck Up), also reading a statement for the vice president's office, said that he supports the NSA program and would oppose a congressional investigation. He said he is drafting legislation that would "specifically authorize this program" by excluding it from the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which established a secret court to consider government requests for wiretap warrants in anti-terrorist investigations. "We can't let the law get in the way of allowing the administration to do a job on us...I mean for us, its job for us."

Snowe was told she is inclined to support DeWine's plan. Senator Chuck Hagel (R-Got My Mind Right Boss), who also signed the Dec. 20 letter seeking an inquiry, said yesterday that the FISA law should be amended to include whatever Cheney wants. "Laws just gum up the works. Besides, Americans have a lot of rights. We don't really need them all, do we?"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

You Can't Blame Us For Stuff We Can't Do Anyway

Apparently certain members of the press and Congress didn't get the message sent by vice president Cheney (Motto: Is this thing loaded?) The Bush administration whined and stomped their feet at Katrina-response criticism leveled by ex-disaster Michael Brown and the few remaining rational congressional investigators.

"The vice president is on his way back to Washington," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "I can have him here in less than an hour for those of you who might be feeling particularly bullet proof."

His remarks came as a Republican-written House report blamed government-wide ineptitude for mishandling Hurricane Katrina relief. A report by Congress' investigative arm, the Government Accountability Office reached similar conclusions.

"First of all, I reject outright the suggestion that President Bush was anything less than fully sober," said White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend. OK, maybe not fully sober, but he did his best Merle Haggard impersonation for the victims. It brought down the house at the White House Christmas party last year."

Both spoke at a conference of state emergency management directors in suburban Alexandria, Virginia. Their talk was titled "What Not To Do In An Emergency And How Not To Take The Blame For It."

Both Townsend and Chertoff drew mustaches, horns and blacked out teeth on pictures of Brown, who resigned under pressure as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. "That guy is an idiot," Chertoff said. "I don't know how he ever got hired. Whoever hired him is an idiot." When told the president had recommended Brown, Chertoff said his remarks had been taken "out of context."

Brown testified before a Senate committee that he issued repeated warnings to the White House and DHS the day the hurricane struck that levees had failed and New Orleans was seriously flooding. "As soon as I got back from dinner and got the maid service up to my room to pick up my dry cleaning, I called somebody in Washington and told them there was a real bad storm going on, but not to worry because I was OK."

He suggested that the White House and DHS were "poopy heads." Bush and other federal officials have said they did not know until an aide saw it on the news that levees had been breached. "The aide was getting ready to tape Wheel of Fortune. That's the president's favorite show, and he happened across a news broadcast," said an White House staffer.

"There is no place for a lone ranger in emergency management," said Chertoff, whose Department of Homeland Security is FEMA's parent agency.

"For Secretary Chertoff to claim that I am the Lone Ranger is so old school. Every one knows I'm Batman," Brown said in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

Townsend, without naming names, but using hand puppets, criticized those at FEMA she said had "become bitter" and lashed out "trying to find someone else, anyone else, to blame. They cannot attempt to rewrite history by pointing fingers or laying blame on us, so we're pointing fingers at Brown and laying blame on him. It rolls downhill Brownie. Get used to it."

While both Chertoff and Townsend acknowledged that the federal response was so inept it would have embarrassed the government of a third world country, both suggested federal officials up to Bush had been unfairly criticized. "What do you people want from us?" Townsend asked. "It's not like we have any training or expertise in this stuff. Plus I've got just five more years to go before retirement."

Bush, who was traveling in Arizona and California the day the storm roared ashore, was "highly engaged," Townsend said. "True he was highly engaged in a computer game, but that's just because we've found it's easier if we don't let him make decisions."

Chertoff announced wide-ranging changes to FEMA. "We're all going to watch the news every night. And not just the sports this time either. Plus I heard about this organization called the National Weather Service. I think I'm going to ask them to send me some reports or something."

Monday, February 13, 2006

When I Say Duck, I Don't Mean There's A Duck, I Mean Duck!

OK, so by now every blog in the blogoshpere has written about vice president "Deadeye" Dick shooting one of his hunting partners. Two of our favorites are here and here.

Now, given that the birds Cheney was shooting--when he wasn't shooting people in his party--were all pen raised and set loose shortly before the hunt began, we wonder why they would fly from Cheney's gun and not welcome him as a liberator.

The other thing we wonder is that if, as the reports suggest,
Whittington was coming up behind the vice president, why didn't the secret service shoot him? Do they often let people approach the vice president from behind with a gun? Does Cheney have to do everything? Can't we get a little help for the guy running the country?

The accident was not reported publicly by the vice president's office for nearly 24 hours, and then only after the Corpus Christi Caller-Times reported it Sunday. Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said the vice president's office did not tell reporters about the accident Saturday because they were deferring to the ranch owner to announce what happened on her property.

Well, that and it took the secret service several hours to get Cheney to put down the gun and quit shouting "Say hello to my leetle friend."

Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan said Monday that Bush and senior aides were told Saturday night by the staff of the White House Situation Room that somebody in the Cheney's hunting party was shot. "The president immediately ordered a nuclear strike on Iran and asked to be transported to an undisclosed location," he said. "Luckily only the vice president has the authority to launch a nuclear attack."

Cheney visited Whittington and his wife before returning to Washington on Sunday. the vice president "was pleased to see that he's doing fine and in good spirits," McClellan said. "Mr. Cheney also commented that hunting men was far more enjoyable than shooting birds released in front of his gun. He has great respect for his quarry Whittington, but next time would prefer a younger, more challenging target."

"I just like killing things," the vice president told reporters aboard Air Force Two on the way back to Washington. "It relaxes me." Later Cheney asked that reporters refer to him The Predator.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, let's say you're a small business person. Maybe not the brightest small businessperson, or the most ethical, but hey, this is America. We elected the class clown president. Twice. Anyway, let's say the public begins to develop a dislike for your product, a real dislike for your product. So much so that they outlaw it in certain states and on the verge of being outlawed in others.

What's the enterprising business person to do? More importantly, what are you going to do?

Why, you hire a marketing firm, of course.

Greyhound Racing rights and stadium owners GRA has appointed RDA Communications (RDA) as its marketing agency to exclusively handle its sponsorship. "We're going to put greyhound racing back on the map," said Richard Dennis, managing director of RDA. "You think professional wrestling is big? Wait until you see what we do with the costumes we put on the dogs."

Clive Feltham, GRA’s managing director, said: “We are hoping to attract a new generation of sponsors to greyhound racing as we attract a new customer profile. Our problem has always been that our customers are too poor to buy much of anything outside of hemorrhoid cream and cat food, and frankly those sponsors aren't enough to make a go of it."

GRA will shortly be announcing a marketing campaign to re-position its stadiums as entertainment venues. "We're still looking for a snappy slogan though," Dennis said.

OK, how about: "Greyhound Racing. It's not your father's exploitation anymore."

Or "Greyhound racing. Give us your money or the dog gets it."

Or "Greyhound Racing. Because otherwise we have to get real jobs."

You got any suggestions Counterclockwise?

Counterclockwise AKA Quartz is very easygoing and mellow. He has been a perfect gentleman in the foster home. He loves to play with his toys. He prefers them to be spread around the house. He is very affectionate. He likes to be near the foster family. He will approach for pets and will nuzzle his face in your lap or push against you for attention. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Don't Think Of Them As Cuts, Think Of Them As Negative Enhancements

In the interest of full disclosure we have to admit that we once took an accounting class, so we feel we're in a position to discuss whether the president's budget truly represents cuts in domestic programs, or their total abandonment by a callous, corrupt, incompetent administration mired in a completely avoidable, yet unwinnable war with little regard for those among us who are the most needy and vulnerable.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

President Bush
defended domestic spending-cut proposals that have been greeted warily in Congress, saying the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina had forced him to make tough decisions. "I had top decide whether to dump on brown people who aren't even Americans, or black people who probably didn't vote for me anyway."

The president went on to push for an extension of his first-term tax cuts and said if they were allowed to expire, growth of his friends' portfolios would suffer.

At a business luncheon in New Hampshire Bush urged lawmakers to enact "sunset" provisions that would force periodic reviews of federal programs to see if they are still needed. When asked why he had opposed sunset provisions on elements of the Patriot Act Bush replied that "some exceptions must be made to the general rule. Besides, you should hear what people talk about on their cell phones. It's better than TV."

"There's no question the war and the hurricanes have stretched our budget -- all the more reason to set priorities and to be wise with your money," Bush said. "That's why we're going to give a lot of it to rich people. They're very wise. After all, rich people bailed me out every time I screwed up."

Republicans, including Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter (R Say Anything) and Maine Senator Olympia Snowe (R Token) have expressed qualms about parts of Bush's budget proposal. "We tried to talk to him about domestic spending," Snowe told a news conference. "But he thought we were talking about hiring more maids and butlers in the White House."

Bush signed a measure to cut $39 billion over five years from social welfare programs, including the Medicaid health program for the poor and student loans. "By definition poor people are poor," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "So taking more money away for them won't change that. They'll still be poor."

The president, whose drive to overhaul Social Security last year failed, said it was crucial to control the costs of entitlement programs. "Well, except for corporate entitlement programs," he said.

Explaining that his cuts weren't really the same as cutting the programs being cut the president said, "There is an important distinction -- it is the difference between slowing your car down to the speed limit, or putting your car into reverse. And if you're not rich white and republican, you should be taking the bus anyway."

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Too Bad Laura Forgot To Pack Her "I'm With Stupid" T Shirt

Rut Ro. Looks like there's gonna be a can of you know what opened up on Coretta Scott King. Never mind that she's dead. In fact that's the problem. If she hadn't up and died, the president would have never had to come to her funeral and get all embarrassed by folks who actually live in the real world.

Several speakers, most notably the Reverend Dr. Joseph Lowery pointed out that some of the president's policies were...uh...less than visionary and had Mrs. King been there at that moment she probably would have come upside his head with a frying pan.

At that point everyone expected people masquerading as Secret Service Agents to come up on the stage and
take him away, but he got the crowd on his side with a joke. He said, "
No weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq but that there were "weapons of misdirection" employed in the United States. That really broke them up. Even Laura had to put her hankie to her face. That got her a stern look from the president.

The Reverend Lowery wasn't the only one to get in on the "Welcome to the Truth Train" theme. Former President Carter mentioned that "We only have to recall the color of the faces of those in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi -- those who were most devastated by Katrina -- to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans." At that point the president turned to one of his aides and asked if Carter was "talking about those donors we still haven't given appointments to."

Right after the funeral Kate O'Beirne, author of Women Who Won't Give Me The Time Of Day, was on Tweety's show talking about how those black folks were getting all uppity and stuff . "It doesn't matter that they were telling the truth, she said, before being overcome with an attack of the vapors. "No one should get to tell the president's anything he doesn't want to hear. It upsets him and then he has to go invade a country to calm down."

OK, OK, so the president's toadies are all upset that reality leaked into his world again. Make sure there's chocolate milk at dinner and everything will be just fine again. What we want to know is why did Hillary stand next to Bill while he spoke, but none of the other first ladies stood by their husbands?

Yeah, we know Laura was probably too drunk to stand up. Plus the last time she spoke was the time she told the stallion milking joke, but Hillary doesn't have a sense of humor, so that's not an issue with her. Very odd, unless she just didn't want to miss the opportunity to turn her back on the president engage in a little aromatherapy of her own.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Your Homework Assignment Tonight Is To Snatch A Purse

Hey. Let's look in on our good friends in the educorporate world today and see what they're up to. Readers who still have memory cells left will recall that during our last visit we watched as representatives of law enforcement carted a nine year old away in handcuffs for throwing a tantrum. Oh, and did we mention that this was at the Charlotte Harbor School for special needs students?

Yeah. We thought so. Apparently the short busses out in front weren't a clue.

Anyway it seems the whole problem can be traced back to some...er...innovative decisions about material provided for what we can only assume are vocational education classes.

An elementary school worksheet that tells the story of four people who get away with robbing a house and describes how to play three card monty has drawn criticism from a mother who sees it as promoting criminal activity. "And did you see the vocabulary list they sent home with this? Words like 'shiv, gat, 40 ouncer, blow,' What are they trying to teach kids these days?"

"Look these kids are going nowhere on the standardized tests," said Jeffery N. Grotsky, Area Academic Officer. "We're just trying to give them some marketable skills, that's all. Maybe they can get a job in the security industry or something."

The worksheet, called "The Four Robbers," is intended to teach fourth-graders about sequence of events. "We got the part about arrest and incarceration in there, so the sequence is complete," Grotsky said.

But Kenyona J. Moore, whose 9-year-old brought the worksheet home last week, said it promotes criminal activity to youngsters. "I particularly don't like the part where the kids who get the best price from the fence get extra credit," she said.

Moore's, daughter told her: "I don't wanna rob a house, Mommy." Moore said the underlying message of the worksheet to inner-city children is, "This is all you'll be able to do anyway."

"Well of course that's not all they will be able to do," retorted Grotsky. "They can sell drugs. We're working on a math assignment where they have to figure out how to cut a kilo of cocaine into street level packets. Plus they have to calculate their profit too. This is higher order math we're teaching here."

The booklet, "Takin' It To The Man: Reading," is published by Off Whitey Press, based on Rikers Island, NY. A company official pointed out that there are no pictures of African-Americans on the lesson. "It could be whitey. You don't know," said 104962, vice president of publications. He said he could see Moore's point, but "we're all about process oriented context driven pedagogies in the tradition of Dewey."

Monday, February 06, 2006

We're Mad As Hell And We May Put Up With It Some More

Oh you've stepped in it now Alberto. You went just one toke over the line and now you're going to have Arlen Specter all up in your grill.

Senator Specter said he believes that President Bush violated a 1978 law specifically calling for a secret court to consider and approve such monitoring. The Pennsylvania Republican branded Gonzales' explanations to date as "strained and unrealistic."

Yeah baby. That's what we're talking about. No more Mr. Bend Over, no more Mr. Don't Make Karl Angry, no more Mr. Let's Ask the Vice President First. Gonzales, prepare that butt for a beating.

First we swear Gonzales. Specter decided that he did not want him to be sworn.

Right on man. You...wait a minute...Gonzales won't be sworn in? This is the guy that said it is "not the policy or the agenda of this president" to authorize actions that conflict with existing law even though he knew the president had already authorized warrantless wiretaps. Umm...isn't that, like, a lie or something?

Arlen...Hello...the guy's relationship to the truth is...how do you say...damaged. Shouldn't you put a little pressure on him? Oh, wait. This is the pro-choice Senator that voted for Alito. Sorry. Our bad.

"This administration has chosen to act now to prevent a Democratic victory in November with every tool at its disposal, rather than wait until people actually start to pay attention to what we've been up to," Gonzales said, arguing that seeking more explicit authorization from the U.S. Congress would have complicated Karl Rove's plan and wasted time.

"Well, you've been a very bad boy,"" said Senator Specter. "And I don't think you should do that again. Well, unless Karl says we need it I mean."

Gonzales said he could not discuss how the program works, as skeptics of the program have demanded. "An open discussion of the operational details of this program would put the Republican majority at risk," he said.

Specter suggested that the program's legality be reviewed by a special federal court. "I just need to get this out of the hearing room," Specter explained. "Those darn democrats are getting a little too feisty. When we going to invade Iran anyway? That'll shut them up."

Gonzales initially sidestepped the question, but then said he would have no objection to such a review. "We own most of the judges anyway," he said. "What the heck, let's go for it. Just get a judge who's a veteran so if he does rule against us we can sic the Swift Boaters on him."

Gonzales argued that Congress did, in fact, authorize the president in September 2001 to use military force in the war on terror. "It was right there in the footnote on page 847. You guys really need to start reading the laws before you pass them," he said.

Senator Dianne Feinstein told Specter last week that he should compel the Justice Department to turn over classified legal opinions on the program, using subpoenas if necessary. Specter said he's open to that. "If the necessity arises, I won't be timid," he said. Shortly after that Vice President Cheney crept up behind Senator Specter and said "Boo!" causing the Senator to wet his pants.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Occasionally we here at IM Central hear rumblings from the patsies...er...from the suckers...umm...the patrons...yeah...the patrons of greyhound racing. OK, so sometimes the patrons of greyhound racing express concern that the sport may be...how do you say...less than on the up and up? This concerns them because the two dollar bets they make constitute a substantial part of their monthly income and can make the difference between Dinty Moore Canned Beef Stew and Friskies for dinner.

So, as you may imagine, a great sigh of relief went through the trailer park class when the industry announced that the latest dog drugging scandal would not be covered up.

The chairman of the Irish Greyhound Board, Paschal Taggart, insisted its decision to suppress the publication of two positive EPO findings were in the interests of the greyhound industry.

"This is an honest and well run sport," Mr. Taggart explained. "So when we have another drugging incident if we told everyone it would sully our reputation. That's not a cover-up. That's just good business sense"

The use of drugs in the industry has long caused controversy. Some 95 positive findings were published in 2004, compared to 12 in the horse racing industry. "Yeah, well dogs are smaller," explained Mr. Taggart.

One of the trainers, Paul Hennessy, is regarded as the most successful trainer in the country. "And that has nothing to do with drugs," said Mr. Hennessy's lawyer. Two dogs, one trained by Mr. Hennessy, the other by John Kiely, tested positive for EPO. The cases came before the board in November. The trainers admitted EPO was administered to the greyhounds.

"Look. We're not saying the dogs aren't all drugged up, we're just saying we don't like to talk about it," Mr. Taggert said. "Let's stick to the point here."

The greyhound industry has received 70 million in state aid in recent years, and has grown into a significant business with an annual tote income of over 50 million. When asked why a "significant business" still requires state support, Mr. Taggert said he wasn't sure, but he was aware of a rise in the prices of performance enhancing drugs. "That adds to our overhead costs you know."

So, Tyler, does EPO give you the munchies, or just make you think the police are following you?

Dewey Strategy aka Tyler is a very sweet, loving, happy, beautiful and affectionate boy. He is a “Velcro” dog in all aspects, as he loves people.Tyler is not your “stereo-typical” couch potato Greyhound. He is more like a Lab puppy who is house broken and doesn’t shed. Tyler is full of loveable energy and is really quite comical to be around. He loves to play and especially loves to wrestle, which is not typical of a Greyhound. He’s not afraid of any thing.Toys…… Tyler has de-squeaked every squeak toy that has been brought into the house. He plays with them relentlessly until they stop squeaking. And while he’s in the process of de-squeaking them, it’s quite a show.The first thing he does in the morning, is he manages to sneak the whole upper half of his body up onto the foster moms bed and then bites at her hands and feet under the covers until she gets up and feeds him. This is just one of his many kooky character traits.Now that he has filled out and his coat a product of good diet, he is an absolutely beautiful Greyhound, perfectly marked, strong and handsome. And if you’re looking for a house broken puppy, he’s your dog! For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Windy City Sniper Update: Sniper is adopted! On January 28, 2006 Sniper left the foster program and settled in on her permanent couch in Essex, Ontario Canada. When asked what prompted her to settle outside the United States she said she hadn’t really made up her mind until she saw President Bush’s State of The Union Address. “I’ve been around wankers all my working life,” she said. “I don’t need to put up with them when I’m retired too.”

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Is Are President Edumacated?

We're beginning to think that maybe the president shouldn't be let out to talk so much anymore. Nothing personal against him or anything. We're sure he's a nice guy, loves puppies, can count to ten on his own, stuff like that.

It just seems it's got to get a little embarrassing for his staff to have to go out after his speeches and say he didn't really mean those things that he said.

One day after President Bush vowed to reduce America's dependence on Middle East oil by cutting imports from there 75 percent by 2025, his energy secretary and national economic adviser said Wednesday that the president didn't mean it literally. "The president's a pretty poetic fellow," said Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman. "So when he said America was addicted to oil, what he really meant was that the rose of love also has thorns."

Asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush "is the war president, not the geography president. Look. The guy thinks Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs out of the garden of Eden. We're having a tough time explaining some of these issues in words he can understand." The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Bush believes that new technologies could reduce the total daily U.S. oil demand by about 5.26 million barrels through alternatives. "We need to develop technologies like on the Flintstones," the president said. "That fella Fred, he gets around like gangbusters and he don't use no gasoline at all. That's a funny show. I like that show." At that point aides hastily ended the news conference.

See what we mean? Then you have the whole manimal thing. Bush said, "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human animal hybrids."

"No real story there," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The president's has always been a big fan of Spider Man. Somebody thought it would be funny to give him a DVD of The Fly. Scared the heck out of him. He'll be OK though, as soon as Laura can convince him it was just a movie."

And this isn't the first time this has happened. During the Plame investigation Bush said he would fire anyone who leaked the agent's name. When it began to look like the leak came from his own White House his pledge was "repurposed" and became "Look over there! 9/11! 9/11!."

And that brings us to the warrantless wiretapping program. Bush said, "Now, by the way, any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires — a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the way. When we’re talking about chasing down terrorists, we’re talking about getting a court order before we do so."

"That's just a little misunderstanding," said McClellan. "When the president was talking about a court order he was talking about a little sub shop on Lexington called Court's Submarine and Pizza. We work late you know and sometimes have to order in."

Hmmm...If you say so. Still, it seems to us that if they let the president speak less, they'd have more time to explain why the war in Iraq is worth it, why student aide isn't being cut and how old people are getting the drugs they need.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006