Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Shhh. Everybody Be Vewy Vewy Quiet (Update)

Ooo! Ooo! Obama is the new FDR! He's the new Roosevelt! How do we know? Cause he's got his own fascist coup, just like President Roosevelt did! Boo Yah History!
The Business Plot (also the Plot Against FDR and the White House Putsch) was a reported political conspiracy in 1933 which involved wealthy businessmen plotting a coup d’état to overthrow United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt. In 1934 retired Marine Corps Major General Smedley Butler testified to the McCormack-Dickstein Congressional committee that a group of men had approached him as part of a plot to overthrow Roosevelt in a coup.[1] In the opinion of the committee these allegations were credible.
"These allegations were credible!" Got to love those "wealthy businessmen" always looking out for the best interests of the country. And what about Obama's coup? Who's behind that?
From John L. Perry at Newsmax: There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America's military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the Obama problem. Don't dismiss it as unrealistic.
Oh, we'd never dismiss anything you suggested as unrealistic, Mr. John L Perry at Newsmax, especially when you have headlines like Glenn Beck Warns of Reichstag Event.

Oh wait, Newsmax took the article down. Well, that makes sense we guess. Don't want to tip Obama off or anything.

Well, either that or you realized that calling for the violent overthrow of a legally elected government was a bit over the line, even for you.

Nah, we'll go with the surprise idea.

Update: Communist sympathizers have provided us with the full text of Mr. John L Perry of Newmax's article.

OK, we may have that wrong. Are people who support Obama's policies Nazis, or Marxisits this week?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Politico! Motto: Screw You, We Like Sarah

We're coming to you today from the Department of Mixed Messages here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoMM is a division of the Cognitive Dissonance Corporation in partnership with Preference Bias, LLC.

It seems the Politico gone all sciencey with a survey and found that people like Sarah Palin, except for those who don't, which means everybody likes Sarah Palin. Yay science!
Despite a torrent of criticism from the media, Democrats and even some in her own party, Sarah Palin remains the hottest brand name in politics.
Ha Ha Ha Ha! Suck it, Democrats. Can't touch this. 2012! 2012! 2012!
Her recent resignation was perplexing. It’s raised doubts about her viability as a potential presidential candidate.
Oh. 20?
Still, she remains extremely popular with the GOP grass roots, and most Republican Party leaders would jump at the chance to have her headline one of their events.
Yeah baby! Sar ah! Sar ah! Sar ah! Wait. There are republican party leaders in China?
As part of an effort to gauge Palin’s popularity with the rank and file beyond the Beltway, where the GOP establishment is lukewarm toward the charismatic former governor, POLITICO surveyed nearly 50 prominent Republican Party officials and politicians, representing every region of the country and ranging from statewide-elected officeholders to state legislators to state and county party chairs.
Phffft! Washington republicans. What do they know? They already got elected. Probably don't even try to scam the voters into giving them money anymore. Let's get out to the heartland. Let's get to the real America!
Some refused to talk about her at all. Others, mostly her critics, would do so only off the record. But taken as a whole, the body of interviews revealed that despite Palin’s high negative ratings in recent national polls, Republicans at the grass-roots level and their leaders still hold a very favorable impression of the former Alaska governor.
OK what are you saying here? Republicans in Washington don't like her. Republicans outside of Washington won't talk about her unless it's criticism, and most of the country doesn't like her but she's still wildly popular with...what? Six people in Oklahoma?
A USA Today/Gallup Poll conducted after she announced her plans in early July found that 70 percent of voters did not change their opinion of her after she decided not to finish her first term. Seventeen percent said they viewed Palin less favorably and 9 percent said their opinion of her improved.
All righty then. Let's apply some of that mad Ironicus Maximus statustistical interpretatomundo mojo to that there poll and see what we come up with. Now, the subject had "high negative ratings" in the first place. Then she bailed on the people of Alaska and that caused 70 percent of the voters to go all like, what ever, which means they didn't like the in the first place. Then 17% changed their minds from GILF to that sister is whack. That leaves...let's see...subtract six, carry the four, divide by eight. Yep. Six people in Oklahoma.
Scott Sales, the minority leader of the Montana House, referred to her “curb appeal” among the party’s rank and file.
Hey, calm down buddy. You guys have enough trouble with the "curb appeal" of somebody else's wife. Plus The First Dude doesn't strike us as the kind of guy who be willing to put a price tag on throwing the schlong to his wife. OK we could be wrong about that.
In Montana, Max Hunsaker, the executive director of the state GOP, said “Now she’s damaged goods and for the good of the party, we need to rethink. She’s not going to be our solution for a leader,” Hunsaker said. “She shouldn’t be our standard-bearer in four years. That’s pragmatic, and that’s being merciful toward her.”
"Damaged Goods"? Come on Max, there's no way she wasn't a virgin when she and Todd were...oh, you're talking about politics. We thought it was a family values thing, you know, like getting pregnant out of wedlock or something.
Christine Toretti, a Republican national committeewoman from Indiana, Pa., had a similar reaction. “I don’t see Sarah Palin as the leader of the Republican Party going forward from the conversations that I’m having with women in Pennsylvania,” said Toretti. “There are those who are absolutely crazy about her — they say she’s the Jennifer Aniston of the Republican Party. And then there are other people that say, ‘What’s this all about? She’s airing all of her family dirty laundry.’”
Nope, that's Levi. Pay attention people.
Party leaders said that ultimately Palin’s political future hinges on how she uses her time away from public office. Debbie Cox-Roush, the GOP chairwoman in Florida’s Hillsborough County, put it this way: “2012 depends on what Sarah Palin does between now and 2012.”
Whoa. Dude, that's some seriously astute political analysis you got there. Even our mad Ironicus Maximus statustistical interpretatomundo mojo can't top that.

Monday, September 28, 2009

This Way To The Egress*

OK here's the great thing about America: No matter what it is, whether it's true or untrue, useful or useless, real or unreal we can figure out a way to make money on it. Or, put another way, you'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

Take this whole Obama birth certificate neurosis for example. Well, just the fact that it's out there and has made it's way into the main stream media should tell you something about the median IQ in this country, but now enterprising semi-medicated wackos have devised a plan to use it to separate the gullible from their social security disability payments. Check it:

A new birther infomercial running on a CBS affiliate in Texas and elsewhere around the country tells viewers a "got a birth certificate?" bumper sticker can be theirs for the low price of $30.

Thirty bucks for a bumper sticker. That's got to be one heck of a bumper sticker. Does it have lights and music?

For a $30 contribution, viewers also get a fax sent in their name to the 50 state attorneys general and Attorney General Eric Holder demanding that President Obama produce his real birth certificate.

Oh, well there you go. That's what you call that there added value. Who are the masterminds behind this campaign anyway?

The program was produced by, a Web site affiliated with Bill Keller, a fundamentalist Christian minister who also hosts the infomercial. Imprisoned in the late 1980s after an insider trading conviction, Keller later committed his life to God, attended Liberty University in Virginia, and founded Bill Keller Ministries, according to his bio. was "founded for the sole purpose of having a site on the internet where people can go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for prayer."

Yep. Gots to have a 24/7 prayer site. We mean, what are you gonna do, just sit there in your living room and read the bible? No way. You know god monitors the holy sites.

One of the men behind the infomercial is attorney Gary Kreep, executive director of the Ramona, CA-based Birther group United States Justice Foundation. It's worth noting that Kreep is currently engaged in an intra-movement feud with the pioneering Birther attorney Orly Taitz.

Come on. Kreep? The guy's name is really Kreep? And what's his beef with Orly Taitz?

Kreep comes off as a considerably calmer, more self-controlled figure than his Birther rival Taitz. But he clearly feels irritated after being shut out by the mainstream media.

Oh. We get it. He's peeved because she's getting all the attention when he's the sane one. That about right?

"The vast majority of the media doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to admit when they're wrong. They're all a bunch of cowards," Kreep says, praising Rush Limbaugh's crack that God and Obama are alike because neither one has a birth certificate.

Ha ha ha ha! That Rush Limbaugh. He's a hoot, but you can't deny he's also a highly respected, credible source of unbiased analysis and cogent interpretation of the political landscape. So, in advertising we call this the testimonial and it means that all over the country right now people are digging out their coffee cans and rummaging around in the couch to gather up their thirty dollars and play their part in that great American tradition called fleecing the rubes.

God love the USA!


Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight. Risin' up to the challenge of our rival.
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger. Dumm dumm dumm Da Da Dumm...

Oh, hi. We were just loading in the weekend supply of Stoli and thinking about the overlords in Massachusetts and their refusal to knuckle under to The Man. Well, in this case The People we guess, but the point is eye of the tiger, overlords, eye of the tiger. Let's see how they're doing this week.

State Reps. David Flynn of Bridgewater and James Fagan of Taunton have a bill pending in the House that would extend simulcasting and remove the requirement in the statute that mandates it be accompanied by live dog racing. "We figure we got half a shot at saving greyhound racing, if we can just get rid of the greyhound racing part," Fagan told reporters.

What? No way! Cut out the exploitation part of racing for the televised version? That makes no sense. Who would do such a thing Jack Swint of West Virginia News?

Our interpretation to the changes made to W. Va. Code 29-25-1 et seq. is that the state wanted to quickly put in a casino at the Greenbrier Hotel. To differ from the other 4 casino's, they only allow people who stay at the resort to gamble. Like a private resort, and gambling is part of the package deal. This also allows the state to get around any horse or dog racing that is mandated for casino operations It's a legal loophole to by-pass live racing legislative law that has been in effect for the past 30 years.

What? "By-pass" the units? It's like the thing that's dragging greyhound racing down is, well, greyhound racing. Come on now. Surely someone isn't thinking straight. It's like you're saying greyhound racing is the least popular part of, ah, greyhound racing, right Steve Clark?

Is greyhound racing running its course? Money-losing tracks across the nation have shuttered over the last couple of decades as attendance has waned in adverse ratio to proliferation of other forms of gambling — lotteries and casinos, for instance. In addition, the sport’s reputation has suffered after years of vocal denunciation from animal welfare groups over the treatment of dogs, while seven states have banned the sport altogether.

Vocal denunciation? Come on Steve, that's a bit harsh. What about the excitement of unit exploitation? The drama! The action!

A national advocacy group that wants to abolish dog racing in Iowa said Wednesday that 101 greyhounds were injured at Iowa tracks in 2008, including 10 dogs that were euthanized.

Umm...well...OK. Let's not get excited about this. It's the same as people going to NASCAR races to see the crashes, right Jack Ketterer, administrator of the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission?

"Unfortunately, as we have seen with horse racing, there are a small percentage of starters in both sports that are injured, and some fatally," Ketterer said. "There is a continuing quest to examine injuries, and we have kept a database, trying to see if there is something related to the track surface" or other problems.

"A continuing quest to examine injuries..." about a continuing quest to end injuries?

Gloria Sanders, executive secretary of the Iowa Greyhound Association, a dog racing trade group, said she believes her industry is unfairly under attack by animal rights activists. "Just because we're one of the few states left stupid enough to have live racing, everybody's all like 'Oooo, you have to be like everyone else and treat the dogs with respect and care' like they're living creatures or something. What do you want us to do? Close the track and go to simulcasting?"

A possibility, but here's our question. If Massachusetts gets rid of live unit exploitation for simulcasting, and West Virginia gets rid of live unit exploitation for well, whatever, and Texas only has one live exploitation track running part of the time, who's going to be doing the live racing to simulcast? Any ideas Cora?

Cora is friendly and outgoing. She is playful, but calms quickly. She has a very mild and easygoing temperament. She likes affection, but she is not clingy. She likes to play with stuffed toys. She will collect toys and shoes. She tends to pick things up and move them, but she does not hurt them. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Cora would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other average to larger size dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

We Have No Words For This (update 2)

This is too much:

This guy needs to be arrested. Just. Take. Him. Away.

Update: OK we do have a few words for this, and none of them are kind. So this cementhead throws a frog into the boiling water and is then surprised it didn't hop out to make his point. What did he expect? That the frog would sprout wings and fly out? Look at the size of that pan he's got on his desk. How, exactly did he expect the frog to hop when it had nothing to hop from?

There probably are people more stupid than Glenn Beck in the world. We just haven't found them yet.

It doesn't surprise us that Beck can't understand that metaphors are, uh, metaphorical and not literal, something children are able to do around the age of two, and humans have been doing since the middle stone age. What does surprise us is there wasn't anyone at Fox studios who was the designated adult and could say killing an innocent creature to make a stupid point that isn't true anyway except in the fever swamp of your mind is probably not a good use of air time.

But then, it's Fox. What is a good use of their air time? Who knows? But let's give them more of it to fill.

Son of Update: OK, now Beck is saying it was a fake frog. We're not buying it. Look at him react when the frog doesn't jump out. He seems genuinely surprised as only someone truly, completely, irredeemably moronic could be. Also, if the point of the exercise was to show a frog jumping out of boiling water to illustrate his point, someone as thick as Beck should have have been told that a fake frog wasn't jumping out of anything.

Of course there's always the possibility that Beck didn't understand the metaphor in the first place and just felt like killing a frog because he was bored with pulling the wings off of butterflies.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sarah's Excellent Adventure

Whoo Hoo! Sarah Palin got to go on a field trip. We've been feeling pretty badly for her lately what with her being out of work and all. There can't be that many opportunities in Alaska for unmedicated loser ex-governors with commitment issues. But now she's off to China, which, as she informed the press before she left, is a country and not the place where they make fine dinnerware.

Former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin used her first trip to Asia to attack the Federal Reserve for creating asset bubbles and encouraging excessive risk-taking that hurt working-class Americans.

When reminded that it was Wall Street that created the complicated set of asset classes to get around Federal regulations Palin replied that if the Federal regulators hadn't put the regulations on the Wall Street people in the first place they wouldn't have felt the need to try and find a way around them.

“Of course the little guys are left out then. We’re left holding the bag, all the moms and pops all over America.” Palin said. She also repeated calls for “market-oriented” health-care reform which would leave out the little guy and leave all the moms and pops all over America holding the bag, and said governments shouldn’t regulate executive compensation "because who deserves that money more than the guy who ran the business into the ground?"

The speech was Palin’s first major public appearance since completing a Dale Carnegie home course. People at the event said she she was able to pronounce most of the words in the speech and praised the person who wrote it for her. "I don't think there were more than a dozen words over three syllables," one member of the audience said.

“It was a very safe speech,” said Suyeon An of RCM Asia Pacific Ltd, who left before Palin stopped talking. “Boring I have to say. I was looking for her to bring the wacky, but all she could manage was internal inconsistency. Where's the fun in that?”

Palin, 45, spoke to a full house in the main ballroom of Hong Kong’s largest Panda's Kitchen. “It was a great speech,” Jonathan Slone, CLSA’s chief executive officer, said. “People got a lot of information” and “are now fully informed on Sarah Palin’s views, which is about as important to Asia Pacific markets as the rings of Saturn are to your daily commute.”

Palin criticized Obama’s plan to give the Fed powers to monitor risks to the financial system. "Since I just said this crisis was the Fed's fault, it follows that it would be illogical to put more teeth into their regulations. See how I used that word logic there? Learned that on Star Trek."

In her speech, she called the Obama administration’s decision to impose duties on Chinese tires a “mistake” and said America’s alliance with Japan “must continue to be the linchpin” of regional security. When informed that China and Japan were two different countries Palin replied, "Well, Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto."

“We simply cannot turn a blind eye to China’s policies and actions that could undermine international peace and security," she said. “Chinese forces made our friends in Japan and Australia kinda nervous. China provides support for some of the most questionable regimes from Sudan to Burma to Zimbabwe.” When a reporter reminded her that Burma was now Myanmar, she replied "Oh I think you're mistaken. My husband uses their shaving cream and Burma is still on the can."

CLSA has declined to say if or how much Palin was paid. The speech may augment both her bank account and overseas profile ahead of a possible 2012 White House bid, said Charlie Cook, publisher of the nonpartisan Cook Political Report in Washington. "The RNC has told her she can stay out of the country as long as she wants," he said. "And the Romney campaign has generously volunteered to support her travels financially.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Fox! Motto: Why Have Regular News When You Can Have Enhanced News?

Frequent readers of this blog know that it's not things that bring joy to life, but people. Especially people who give you mean know that the marbled halls of IM Central is the place to come for trenchant media criticism, critical analysis of the events of the day, and learned discussion of American culture, mores and politics.

Well, if you're drunk and there's nothing on the tee vee. Actually we don't purport to be experts on much of anything, except maybe hangover cures, but we have collected the odd bit of knowledge here and there throughout our shuffle on this mortal coil, and one of the things we learned, or thought we learned, was that journalists are supposed to report the news, not create it.

Apparently, we were mistaken.

A Fox News Channel producer has been caught in a behind-the-scenes video rallying the crowd during last weekend's 9/12 protest in Washington. "The employee is a young, relatively inexperienced associate producer who is related to somebody over here so she's been promoted," Bryan Boughton, Fox News Channel Washington Bureau Chief said.

The video shows the producer on her cell phone as she urges the crowd behind Jenkins to cheer louder. "Look, most of our viewers are pretty old," Boughton said. "And a lot of them are hard of hearing. I'm sure she was just trying to get the crowd to make enough noise so the people at home would realize they weren't watching a Jerry Springer rerun."

Hey, come on. You used an excuse like that before when you told us mislabeling politicians was OK because most Fox viewers can't read.

Monday, September 21, 2009

If What You Say Is True, Why Aren't All Homosexuals Blind With Hairy Palms?

Here's something to...erm...pump you up on this...ah...flaccid Monday morning...PORN!!

It seems all of the voters who have values were in Washington D.C. this weekend. Well, the ones who made it out of the airport stalls that is, or that didn't have to go diaper shopping, or hook up with a Page, or promise to...mmm...make friendlies with a black man so he wouldn't beat them up, or go for the Guinness record in number of wetsuits worn, or...OK you get the picture.

Anyway, for those values voters not yet out of the closet Teh Haps were all in the capitol where one Michael it all out there.
He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.”
Yeah, well Mr. Schwartz, we've been eleven years old. We've known eleven year old boys. Eleven year old boys were friends of ours. You are no eleven year old boy, and we doubt you ever were one. Homosexual, heterosexual, metrosexual, psychosexual, as former eleven year old boys allow us to say we would willingly agree with anything you said if it meant we could get our hands on a Playboy. Most of the time we were stuck with the Sears Catalog.
Schwartz is no stranger to extreme rhetoric about the gay community. In 2005, he denounced the Supreme Court for giving Americans “the right to commit buggery.” Later, he told Max Blumenthal, “”I’m a radical! I’m a real extremist. I don’t want to impeach judges. I want to impale them!” In 1987, Schwartz co-wrote Gays, AIDS, and You, which according to Blumenthal, alleged that the gay community was “using the AIDS crisis to pursue [their] political agenda.”
Hatin' on the homos again, huh Schwartzy? Reminds us of Hamlet, Act 3 scene 2, lines 222 - 230, 'cept you aint no lady. At least not in front of that crowd.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we're not big believers in Astrology, mostly because we never did meet that dark, mysterious, exotic love goddess as prophesied by our horoscope back in 1982, even though we hit just about every bar in the city and did make friends at our own personal expense we might add. Anyway, all we had to show for it was a headache and a case of...well...never mind. the point is, we're not fans of the power of the stars.

That being said, we must admit that our only explanation for this is some sort of aligning of the planets, or balancing for the Force, or Karma payback.
A bankruptcy judge gave his final stamp of approval to the long-pending sale of a portion of the former Hinsdale Greyhound Park to Wal-Mart Stores Inc. for $2.13 million, paving the way for the retailer to build a Walmart superstore on the site.
Holy crap, you're thinking, that is truly ironicus at its maximus and you wouldn't be far wrong, but we'd also like to point out the practical aspects of this little business arrangement: now the overlords don't have to learn a new route to work. God's in his heaven and all's right with the world!

Except in Massachusetts.

When last we left the good people of the bay state the local legislative body was engaged in a lively discussion as to whether the majority of the people who voted to send the overlords into the labor pool really meant it, or, as the overlords argued, the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding ha ha isn't that cute that most people think exploiting innocent animals isn't an acceptable way to make a living but we're sure you didn't really mean it now can you please go away and let us get back to earning our trailer payments. Well, let the dogs get back to earning our trailer payments.

Let's see what hilarity is ensuing this week:
During a spirited joint hearing, debate centered around a bill filed by state Rep. David Flynn, D-Bridgewater, to allow state racetracks to continue to take wagers on simulcast races after a voter-approved ban on live dog racing goes into effect Jan. 1, and a bill state Sen. Marc Pacheco, D-Taunton, filed to delay the racing ban for two years.State Rep. James Fagan, D-Taunton, said he hopes “people are more receptive to the needs of people and jobs” than they are to animals.
Right. So when 56% of the people of Massachusetts voted to end greyhound racing, after months of being told by the overlords that it would mean the state would go bankrupt and thousands would be left to wander the streets picking through the remains of civilization, it was like they hadn't been listening or something? You figure if you just explain it one more time they'll be all like, "Oh. What were we thinking? Let's get those dogs back out on that track." Is that it mister elected by a majority of the voters sir?
Flynn said Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park is a key piece of the local economy.
Well, you got us there Mr. Flynn. We mean, Raynham and Wonderland are all that's standing between the state and total insolvency. We should be awarding these people a good citizenship award for their support of the commonwealth, not shutting them down, right Mayor Ambrosio?
Owners of Wonderland Greyhound Park wired a lump sum payment of $752,301 to the city of Revere to cover two years worth of back taxes and utility bills, as well as the first two quarters of the current tax year, including interest, city officials said. The payment takes it out of foreclosure, and comes just in time for an operating license reapplication hearing with the State Racing Commission. "I would assume that that had something to do with it," Mayor Thomas G. Ambrosino said of the timing of the payment. "I'm very happy that they made the payment. It allows them to continue operating." Track owners, who have also been in the middle of revocation hearings on their liquor and parking licenses with the Revere License Commission, made the payment on the heels of a collections suit filed against them by the city at Suffolk Superior Court.
Oops. Heh heh. Well, these things happen from time to time. Paperwork you know. Checks get lost in the mail, stuff like that. Look, this is a thriving, growing business, the overlords are busy busy busy, so these things just happen, right Texas Greyhound Association Executive Director Diane Whiteley?
Gulf Greyhound Park would become the only track in Texas to offer live greyhound racing in 2010, after a decision by the Texas Racing Commission.
Hmm...seems everything's bigger in Texas, except greyhound racing, right TK?

TK loves chewing on bones. He is affectionate and is always close to his foster family. He puts his head in your lap. TK is a confident and easy going boy. He loves to play with his toys. He knows how to sit and is learning to fetch. TK would do well in a working family with well-mannered children, 7 and older. He gets along with other dogs of various sizes and cats and would probably do well by himself. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

IN OTHER NEWS: Would you like to answer Phil's question? Please use words with less than three syllables.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Their Readin' And 'Ritin' Ain't So Good, But The 'Rithmatic Is Tops. 'Specially Multiplyin'

You know, as touchers of the future ourselves--no not that way--we feel obligated to once again point out the wisdom and relevance of that old bumper sticker:

Think Education is Expensive? Try Ignorance
U.S. states whose residents have more conservative religious beliefs on average tend to have higher rates of teenagers giving birth, a new study suggests. Joseph Strayhorn of Drexel University College of Medicine and University of Pittsburgh offers a speculation of the most probable explanation: "We conjecture that religious communities in the U.S. are more successful in discouraging the use of contraception among their teenagers than they are in discouraging sexual intercourse itself.
Gee, ya think? We were going to go with something in the water.
While the study reveals information about states as a whole, it doesn't shed light on whether an individual teen who is more religious will also be more likely to have a child. "You can't talk about individuals, because you don't know what's producing the [teen birth] rate," said Amy Adamczyk, a sociologist at the City University of New York.
Well, actually Amy, we do know what's producing the [teen birth] rate. Scientifically speaking, this scenario is a direct result of the addition the available number of females (x)and males (y) divided by the availability of sufficiently unsupervised locations (z). Therefore we can calculate that y + x / z = the total number of instances in which the previously identified research cohort will successfully accomplish copulation. Or, to put it in the vernacular, how many games of hide the sausage are going on at any given time.
"It is possible that an anti-contraception attitude could be caused by religious cultures and that could exert its effect mainly on the non-religious individuals in the culture," Strayhorn said. But, he added, "We don't know."
OK, so in the most religious state in the nation, only the godless heathens are having sex? What would that result in, like four or five births per year?
Said Amy Adamczyk, a sociologist at the City University of New York, who was not involved in the current study. "Are there just a couple of really precocious religious teenagers who are running around and getting pregnant and having all of these babies, but that's not the norm?"
Yeah, that's a possibility, providing they figured out a way to have a kid every three weeks or so.
The researchers found a strong correlation between statewide conservative religiousness and statewide teen birth rate even when they accounted for income and abortion rates.
Maybe someone needs to explain to the kids that "Love thy neighbor" is metaphorical.
"The index of religiosity is tapping into more fundamentalist religious belief," John Santelli of the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University said. "I'm sure there are parts of New England that have very low teen birth rates, which have pretty high religious participation, but they're probably less conservative, less fundamentalist type of congregations."
You're sure of that, huh? Kind of an odd thing for a scientist to say without any of that there whadayercallit, data and stuff. Sure you aren't trying to tip toe away from the implication that these yokels grew up stupid and they're doing their best to pass that along to their kids? Just asking.
Earlier marriage among religious individuals could also partly explain the finding.
Can't argue with that. After all, you probably have met all your cousins by second or third grade.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You Know It Can't End Well When The Rap Group Drives F-150s.

Being the hep cats that we are, we certainly understand the importance of music to any protest movement. Woody Guthrie, Joan Baez, Bob Dylan were the voices of the sixties. More recently, people like Ani Defranco, Neil Young and, perhaps not so much for their music as their statements, the Dixie Chicks provide the soundtrack to the times of our lives.

We get it. Which is why we have absolutely no problem with the ADHD Beckathon in Washington D.C. having musical accompaniment. We're also aware that currently hip hop or rap music is generally thought to be edgy, and maybe a little dangerous and a lot of organizations and movements want to borrow that image for their own specific reasons.

As we said, not a problem for us.

However, we feel we have to object when a bunch of overfed, undereducated racist crackers try to co-opt a style of music that's essentially minority owed and operated--well, except for eminem, but who listens to him? It's not even so much that Fox News is stealing the music. We understand that they know kids like the hip hop and if they hoped to get anyone to their demonstration that didn't have to use a handicapped parking space they were going to have to try and attract the Pepsi generation. Preferably the ones who could spell. Our point is when you try to graft the street aesthetic onto Jerry Springer fans the results are...well, see for yourself:

Stop. Please. Just. Stop.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

In Which Ironicus Cares For The Reader

We're coming to you today from the Complaint Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Complaint Department is a division of the You Talking To Me Corporation, in partnership with What Has Two Thumbs and Doesn't Give a Crap, Inc.

Reader Anonymous has taken issue with some of our popular culture references. To wit:
Like I am constantly looking up "crap" from all your "worldly knowledge".
I have never seen "wev".
I thought it was like "wave" and "hello".
I then think no way..IM is not that cordial, particularly with Republicans.
Sure enough, I go Google and it means "whatever".
Which makes me think maybe I don't understand a f... word you have to say!
Now, regular readers of this blog have accepted disappointment as their life long traveling mean regular readers will see Mr. Anonymous' mistake at once. Well, it could be Ms. Anonymous, which brings up an important point. Certainly we here at IM World Headquarters understand and accept the need to remain anonymous while commenting on a blog such as this one. There are appearances to by kept up after all. Spouses, partners and employers have no need to know that you spend your time down here on the wrong side of the intertracks. And of course there are the children to consider.

Still, at times like this one it would be helpful at least to know the gender of the misguided person we are addressing. If only there could be a way to distinguish such a thing without tearing away the curtain of mystery. A way to give us a quick glimpse through the fog of enigma. A flash of light as it were, in the puzzle of darkness. The Romans had the right idea. Anonymous for the guys, anonymae for the gals.

Where were we?

Oh yeah, the commenter. Well, as you can easily see, this person is laboring under the delusion that this blog is supposed to make sense as indicated by the closing comment: "maybe I don't understand a f... word you have to say!"

Sir, or madam, the truth of this blog stands before you, yet you do not see. If you read us, do we not dismay? If you parse our thought, are we not found wanting? Do we have to draw you a picture?

Let's go back to the beginning: "Like I am constantly looking up "crap" from all your "worldly knowledge."" Now, we can "tell" from your use of "quotation" marks that you have found the "proper" descriptor for the vast majority of the "content" on this "blog," yet it appears you have "failed" to grasp the "import" of your own "discovery."

Crap, man, crap. And you're looking it up. What are you thinking? OK, when you get to worldly knowledge, you have us there. Being denizens of a nationally ranked, premier research institution puts us in elbow rubbing proximity to some of the finest minds in the country. Well, if it weren't for all the restraining orders.

The lunchroom can be very lonely for us.

Did we have a point?

Monday, September 14, 2009

I Guess They Figure If Some People Will Vote for Sarah, They'll Vote For Anybody

Hmmm...This is interesting. Guess his career as the conservative Michael Moore didn't quite work out.

Speaking to a room full of church certified, non-pedophile US catholic leaders, Ex-senator Rick Santorum was challenged to run for the Republican Presidential nomination. Responding to a room already thick with delusion, Santorum revealed that he was indeed "thinking about it" but asked for prayers and detailed his thinking on the matter. "I would certainly need a miracle from god to get elected," Santorum said, "because most of the voters who can walk and chew gum at the same time think I'm a whacko."

Santorum is not only a catholic in name, but a faithful one who is noted for being so unpopular he lost his senate seat even before the campaign started, working to make failing to fast during lent a felony, and bring meatless Fridays back. He revealed that he has seven children, which makes him a Gold level catholic. He would need to get to ten children to make the Platinum membership level which would qualify him for a plaque from the pope.

Considering how his children may themselves be the targets of nasty politics, as has happened in the recent past, gives Santorum pause. "That weighs on me," he said. "I mean, cripes, even without me running little Ricky gets shoved into his locker, or pushed into the girl's bathroom four or five times on a good day, and Elizabeth, well, I'm her father and I love her, but that girl is just flat out strange."

"On the other side," he added, "as a father, I've got to think about whether they are going to have a country to live in … Well, I guess that's bit of an overstatement. I mean, after all, you can't get kicked out of the country for being stupid. Can you?"

In closing he said that while he was "thinking about it", it is the first time his ambition which is, as he said, "in his DNA" was checked by a resistance saying, "no, I'm not sure." Several shouts of protest erupted at his mention of DNA and one audience member challenged Santorum on his belief in evolution.

"Do I believe in evolution? Santorum responded. "Not in front of this crowd."

Ending the session, self described catholic political powerhouse Deal Hudson (President George W. Bush's catholic advisor until Bush realized there was a catholic in the White House) cited Plato's famous saying that the best governors are those who do not wish to govern. "But we're stuck with Ricky, so, wev."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Say what you will about a democracy and the benefits of majority rule, voice of the people, needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and all that, the plain, hard, cold truth is that just because most people want something doesn't make it right. Just ask the overlords in Massachusetts.

Last year, voters overwhelmingly approved a ban on greyhound dog racing in Massachusetts, which is supposed to take effect the coming year. Opponents submitted a three inch high stack of veterinary reports on the 900 greyhound dogs they said have suffered injuries since 2002. But proponents of extending the deadline argued that was less than one percent of the thousands of dogs that raced in that time. "Shoot, if they don't win we off them before they even have a chance to get injured," said one track official who asked not to be named.

One veterinarian said accusations of cruelty to the animals was not true."I've dealt with greyhounds since 1982. I've never seen a case of cruelty or mistreatment. They're very well treated," said Dr. David Dunn. "Well, until we kill them for not running fast enough that is."

"Our priority should be to save every job in the commonwealth of Massachusetts that we can," said greyhound breeder Al Smith. "And by 'every job' I mean mine," he continued. "Do I look like I have what it takes to be successful at Walmart?"

While acknowledging the people's vote, some members of the committee expressed concern about timing and the economy. One legislator said this was about jobs, and the lack of jobs, and he wondered if Question 3 would pass if it were put before the voters in today's economic climate.

Darn straight. We're talking careers here. We're talking jobs with a bright future in the best of working conditions, right Ken Miller?

As the sun set in the distance, bathing the grungy track in a warm glow, Kenneth Miller coolly sized up the first batch of greyhounds from a creaky lawn chair. Around him, fellow regulars paced and puffed, tossing cigarette butts amid the litter of losing tickets on the cracked asphalt. Some were middle-aged fathers who had promised to stay away, others widowers with nowhere else to go. A weathered Vietnam vet in a wheelchair pumped $30 into a lottery vending machine. An elderly woman in a sari used a magnifying glass to watch a simulcast race on a TV monitor.

See? It's like Disneyland has come to Massachusetts. What better place to grow jobs in today's economic climate, right Shawn McLain?

Self-described professional gambler Shawn McLain remembered the atmosphere at the track more than three decades ago, when he first visited. "This whole clubhouse was full," said McLain, who bets exclusively on greyhound races -- both live in Mobile and simulcast on TV from Florida. "It was just the place to be."

"Was"? What do you mean "was" Shawn? Just look out over the track now. What do you see?

Just a third of the clubhouse appeared to be open to the public -- the rest was darkened and closed off. Downstairs at the grandstand, a small crowd gathered around televisions, and crumpled losing tickets blanketed the floor. Nearly every seat was vacant.

Oh. Well, yeah, so times are a little tough right now, we're sure there's a brighter future just around the corner, right Phil Ruffin?

"Our company is sincerely committed in retaining its licenses for the Wichita Greyhound Park and Camptown Greyhound Park," Ruffin said.

Boo Yah! Now That's what we're talking about! Let's get some greyhound racing up in this bad boy! What do you need Phil? Bigger kennels to hold all the dogs you'll use? More workers for the betting windows? Bigger parking lot?

Reopening would depend on two things, Ruffin said in a letter to the commission: State lawmakers would have to amend the expanded gambling law to allow tracks to keep more of the revenue from slot machines. And voters in Sedgwick County would have to approve slots for the Wichita park.

Yeah, baby! It's on now! Somebody tell the breeders. We're going to need more dogs. We're going to...wait, what?

Other racetracks closed because owners believed the state's expanded gambling law gives the state too much of the slots revenue for them stay in business. "Slots are where the rubes are," Ruffin said. "The last thing we need at the greyhound tracks is greyhound racing."

Hey, come on Phil. Greyhound racing is a money machine. People are dying to see more greyhound racing. It's international in it's appeal, right Philippine House Representative Eleandro Jesus Madrona?

The House of Representatives has agreed to hold in abeyance its approval of a second franchise for greyhound dog racing after animal protection groups prevailed upon the Senate to defer action on the first franchise.

Crap. Is there anybody out there who wants to see greyhounds exploited anymore Andy?

Andy is happy and likes to play with toys. He is friendly and affectionate around people he knows. He is a little shy around new people. He loves to collect toys, blankets, and the other dog beds, taking them all to the main dog bed. He is young, playful and comical. He loves to rub his whole body around the foster family’s bed and on people like a cat. Andy would do well in working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be good with another dog in the home to play with or with an active family that will play with him regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

In Which Ironicus Must Once Again Explain It All

OK everyone has their whities all tightie because Joe Wilson called the president a liar.

Come on people, work with us here. These are republicans. We're lucky they didn't show up to the speech with AK 47s slung over their shoulders and misspelled protest signs to wave around. What did you think, that they would sagely rub their chins and nod as the president spoke?

Have you been near a tee vee in the last month at all?

Look, the whole point of the republican party is to make enough noise and create enough distractions that the democrats collapse like they always do, then we can go back to ragging on the homos and aborters the way god intended.

Let's get with the program here folks. Don't make us have to explain this to you again.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

We Told The Kids It Was Just Like The NFL Draft Except With Jesus

One of the things that made daily life in the bowels of the educorporate training facility we inhabited as youthful transgressors survivable was the occasional field trip. Now, granted most of these were to the local prison to participate in the Scared Straight program, but every once in a while our overlords would take us to a museum, or a Shakespeare play put on by incredibly serious theater majors at the local community college, which we called the junior college back in the day.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the east and Juliet is the dawn. Yo J Cap. Whu dup girl?" Our betters thought that contemporizing the Bard was a way to lure us to the classics.

Anyway, even the field trip where we went to the state forest and the bus driver left without us probably wasn't as interesting as this one.

A mother is angry about a trip led by the head football coach at Breckinridge County High School. The coach took about 20 players on a school bus late last month to his church, where nearly half of them — including her son — were baptized. "Well, it's the boy's fault," said a spokesperson for the school district. "We asked everyone if they would like to be baptized, or if they would prefer to burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, and they could forget about playing time too. It was totally voluntary."

Michelle Ammons said her 16-year-old son was baptized without her knowledge and consent, and she is upset that a public school bus was used to take players to a church service — and that the school district's superintendent was there and did not object. "Well, in the superintendent's defense, she was drunk at the time," said a district spokesperson.

Coach Scott Mooney told Ammons' son and other players that the Aug. 26 outing would include only a motivational speaker and a free steak dinner. "Did I forget to mention that baptism thing? "The coach asked. "Gee, my bad."

Two other parents said in interviews that their sons told them that Mooney had said the voluntary outing to Franklin Crossroads Baptist Church in Hardin County would include a revival. "Darn straight, I told the kids about that," the coach said. "Although I may have called it a pep rally for Jesus, and I totally expected the cheer leaders to be there, except the pastor told me there's a rule against naked thighs in the sanctuary."

But Superintendent Janet Meeks, who is a member of the church and witnessed the baptisms, said she thinks the trip was proper because attendance was not required, and another coach paid for the gas. "So we took a busload of impressionable kids, and used adults they look up to and want to please to put this tremendous pressure on them to take Jesus into their lives, or sit on the bench for the season. I don't see what all the fuss is about," Meeks said. "Of course I was passed out in the vestibule at the time, so I really didn't see the whole thing."

Matt Staver, founder and general counsel for Liberty Counsel, an Orlando-based group that provides free legal assistance in religious liberty cases, said there was nothing wrong with trip as long as it was voluntary and no public funds were used. He compared it to a coach inviting players to attend a play or to go see a baseball game. "Of course no one baptizes you as a Cubs fan for the rest of your life regardless of what team you want to root for at a baseball game, but let's not quibble over details."

Meeks said she would have sought the consent of parents for the baptism of students if they had been "7 or 8 or 9" years old. But she didn't think it was necessary for the players who are "16 or 17. Why, by that age most kids around here have kids of their own. And maybe if I'd found Jesus a few years earlier I wouldn't have been one of them."

She said that if Robert's parents didn't know that the outing was going to include a revival service it was because "he apparently was not forthcoming with his parents. Plus it's required that we blame the kids when the adults are stupid because we have college degrees and stuff. Besides, that kid's dad is a catholic. We're really doing him a favor by keeping him from becoming a papist."

Ah, it's so refreshing to find an educator who's concerned with the whole student.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

In Which Mr. Maximus Explains It All To Mr. Obama

Back in fifth grade we had to deal with Vernon the class bully. Actually as a bullies go Vernon was kind of low key. If he asked you for your lunch money and you told him no, he would of course threaten to beat you up after school, but he must have had ADD or something because by the time the school day ended he'd completely forgotten he'd penciled you in for a thumping. We guess you could say he was only the bully pro forma because everyone knew how to negotiate their way around him. Still he did beat up Butchie Smith in the cafeteria once, but we're pretty sure that was because Butchie spilled milk all over him. Bit of a klutz that Butchie.

Anyway, we tell you this by way of establishing our credentials in dealing with bullies, and as an introduction to some advice we're about to give President Obama on how to deal with his.
Responding to a firestorm that raged on conservative talk shows and websites, the White House on Sunday announced the resignation of a top environmental advisor who had made fiery remarks about Republicans and signed a petition questioning whether the U.S. government had any role in planning the Sept. 11 attacks.
First bit of advice: We're pretty sure that any "firestorm" that occurs only on "conservative talk shows and websites" can be safely ignored. See, like Vernon, these folks are quickly distracted by the next affront to their rather fragile sense of entitlement and by the time Friday roles around, the evil devil's spawn they railed against on Monday is but a distant memory, lost in the gentle mists of Xanax, Prozac and Zoloft.
Jones had been forced to apologize in recent days for some of his past statements, including a speech shortly before his appointment posted on YouTube, in which he used a vulgar term to describe Republicans.
Now, let's make sure we have this straight. Jones is unlucky enough to be video taped at a speech using one of those derogatory Anglo-Saxon expletives to describe certain unnamed members of the republican party. Someone puts the video on You Tube and it circulates around the interwebs along with umpty gazillion videos of dogs surfboarding and babies sleeping.

Glenn Beck goes on national tee vee, on one of the most popular programs Fox News has, and calls the president a racist who hates white people, and it's Jones who has to resign? Have we about got that right?
White House officials never rose to his defense and took pains over the weekend to distance themselves from Jones' statements and decisions about his status.
See, now this is just a tactical error. Whenever there was a possibility that Vernon might remember he was scheduled to pummel someone, that person never went anywhere without his posse. It's not that the posse had to do anything, it's just that Vernon tended to be a lot more rational when surrounded.
In accepting Jones' resignation over the weekend, White House officials in effect acknowledged that the president could ill afford such damage.
And now we come to the most grievous of President Obama's missteps in this matter. Never, never, never let anyone mess with your homies and get away with it. We learned this first hand from Delores Jackson. The hard way.
In accepting Jones' resignation over the weekend, White House officials in effect acknowledged that the president could ill afford such damage as he was already struggling to win congressional support for a healthcare overhaul.
Yeah, except it doesn't work like that. See, there were some kids stupid enough to give Vernon their lunch money when he demanded it. Those were the ones he kept coming back to again, and again, and again. Once the bully knows you can be bullied then you are his bi...well, you get the point Mr. President, which is you don't own anything anymore. It all belongs to the bully and he gets to say what's important.

But all is not lost, Mr. President. Here's what you do: Get Vernon a job at Fox News. We know he wasn't the most fearsome of bullies, but how much intimidation do you think it would take to get Glenn Beck to pee his pants? In six months Vernon will have those boys handing over their lunch money and reminding Vernon to beat them up after work when he forgets.

There's really no need to thank us, but if an ambassadorship to Belize should ever open up...

Friday, September 04, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so the secret to success in the business world is to have a good plan. You know the old saying: failing to plan is planning to fail. If you want to succeed in these tough economic times you have to be nimble, flexible and you have to be ready to jump on an opportunity or avoid a pitfall.

Which brings us to the overlords at Twin River.

Now wait a minute, Ironicus, you're thinking, didn't that track go bankrupt? How can that be an example of good planning, flexibility and stuff.

See, that just shows how poor of an overlord you would make because this whole bankruptcy thing plays right into the overlords' scheme.
The owners of the Twin River slot parlor have looked at operating their own dog kennel as a way to cut costs on the state-mandated greyhound racing required at the Lincoln gambling venue, according to federal court filings. However, they favor a cheaper contract with private kennels to provide enough dogs to run 8 to 10 races a day, four days a week.
Ha! You're feeling pretty embarrassed right now aren't you, with your bankruptcy can't be a good thing for profitability and all, huh? Just when it looks like the overlords have dug themselves a hole they can't get out of, Blammo! They snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Neither of those options would make money for the slot parlor owners, BLB Investors LLC. They would simply lose less cash than they do now hosting races in conjunction with the Rhode Island Greyhound Owners Association.
Brilliant, no? It's just a matter of time until money rains down like...wait a minute, what was that?
Twin River operator UTGR Inc. is seeking permission from a judge in U.S. Bankruptcy Court to bring in a new slot-parlor operator within 120 days under the terms of an agreement with its bankers and slash the amount of money it spends to host greyhound racing. "Greyhound racing is a very profitable business except when you have to race greyhounds," said a spokesperson for UTGR.
Yeah. It's beginning to look that way, huh Billy?

Billy is really sweet and loving. He is a quick learner. He follows his foster family around the house. He likes when people pet him. He wants to be around everyone all the time. Billy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is the only dog in the foster home and he would probably be good with other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Defeat The Oligarhy*

Aww, this is nice. President Hopey wants to talk to the kids. Now, as professional educational technicians ourselves, we have some concerns about his emerging policies, particularly the emphasis on charter schools--yeah, let's make education a for profit enterprise. It works so well for health care--but it's early yet, and unlike his predecessor we think the new president has the capability to actually learn and grow in office.

Additionally, we understand perfectly his value as a role model to all those back row hooligans so you can bet we'll all be in our places with bright shiny faces and that'll be the way we start out the day on September 8.

Of course, that's just our opinion. We could be wrong.
A planned speech by President Obama to students across the country has some parents planning a boycott.
Oh. OK, well admittedly we haven't looked at the text of the president's speech. Perhaps it's not appropriate for a captive audience of young people, you know, like Channel One or something. What is he going to talk about Mr. and Mrs. Parent?
The president will talk to students through a video link about the importance of staying in school. But some parents are accusing the White House of trying to force children to sign to its agenda.
Hey, you have a point Mr. and Mrs. Parent. After all, the more kids who stay in school the more end up in our class and the more papers we have to read. Down with teaching kids the value of education we say! Right Jim Greer?
Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer released a statement condemning President Obama’s use of taxpayer dollars to indoctrinate America’s children to his socialist agenda.
You know we never thought about it that way, but he's right. What can be more socialist than education? Everybody is supposed to get as much of it as they want and we all have to pay for it.

Save Our Democracy! Stay Stupid!

*Compliments of Professor Beck

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

No Wonder Jesus Went Back To Heaven

Frequent readers of this blog know that all roads eventually lead to mean know that we aren't exactly what one would refer to as overly religious. In fact, one could say that applying the aforementioned sobriquet to your humble editors is Ironicus at its Maximus as it were.

Which is why we really like Pastor Steve.
Steven Anderson, who ministers at Faithful Word Baptist Church, said he prays for the death of President Barack Obama in a sermon he gave last month to his congregation. "I'm not going to pray for his good," Anderson said in the sermon. "I'm going to pray he dies and goes to hell." The sermon, which was titled "Why I Hate Barack Obama."
Yeah baby! That's got to be an instant classic. Right up there with the Sermon on the Mount, or John Winthrop's Model of Christian Charity, or Johnathon Edwards' Sinner in the Hands of an Angry god, or Billy Sunday's Booze Sermon.

See, this is what religion is all about and we think the more people like Pastor Steve get on the tee vee and explain it, the quicker we'll all be able to watch football in peace on Sundays.

Allow us to explain. Now, Pastor Steve would tell you that man is created in the image of god, but really it's just the opposite. Think about it. If the good Pastor wasn't a man of the cloth and he got up on a street corner and told everyone he hated the president and wished he was dead, people would nod and smile and slowly move away. The men in dark glasses with ear pieces would come and lead him quietly away for a nice talk. Eventually, Steve would die a broken, bitter man awash in cheap wine.

But, when he gets up in a pulpit and says god told him to hate the president and wish he was dead people are all like, "well, he must have a point. Let's treat this guy like he's actually not a barking mad, bug eyed, spittle flecked whackdoodle. Oh, and we'll give him some money too."

Religion gives people like Stevie here the ability to spew all the blatantly racist, misogynist, homophobic, possibly illegal effluvia that bubbles up out of the fetid swamp in their heads and get away with it because it's like from the bible, you know? We mean, the guy's a preacher, he's got this direct line to the big J. We should give him some of our money.

We're all for that stuff. We think Pastor Steve should have his own series, maybe call it Salvation Unmedicated or something. Let him and his buddies get out there in the national spotlight and talk and talk and talk and talk until every man-jack and girl in the country has heard all they have to say. And before each program the announcer can come on and say, "The following program is brought to you by organized religion, making whatever we want the word of god for over two thousand years."

Stick that in your fatwa Abdul. Kill the infidel? Pull ease. You got nothing on the the Jesus posse!

So if we could do this, after about 100 years or so people might begin to think, hey, this religion stuff, it's just a bunch of lazy people trying to convince us to give them our money so they don't have to work for a living. Sort of like the overlords, except with hymnals instead of greyhounds.

Oh, and by the way, it's not limited just to nutjob preachers.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Stuff You Know Nothing About, Explained By People Who Know Less

Now, most of the time we can take the foibles of early 21st century life in this country with a good natured nod and a wink. And a tumbler of Stoli. Well, maybe more than one tumbler, but the point is we cope, you know? We don't let it get to us, don't let it get under our skin, don't let it gnaw on our soul, don't let it throw us into that bottomless existential pit from which even the hope of hope cannot escape.

Then along comes something like this and we hear the pillars of our psyche creak and groan under the weight of incalculable despair.
Jenna Bush Hager, the daughter of former U.S. President George W. Bush, has been hired as a contributing correspondent for the "Today" show, NBC said. She has great passion about important subjects, especially education and literacy, and we look forward to having her bring her unique perspective to 'Today.'"
OK, so maybe it's because we are field hands toiling in the vineyards of literacy ourselves that we take this a little more personally than we should, but Jenna Bush Hager opining on education and literacy? Isn't that like having Carrot Top explain quantum mechanics?

We mean, come on. Look who her father is. Growing up in that house had to qualify as some sort of linguistic child abuse, no?

Girl should probably be in some sort of syntactical rehab.

Oh, she's a "teacher" and an "author" of children's books so that makes her an expert on education and literacy.

Pull ease.

We can walk and chew gum at the same time. Does that make us an expert on gymnastics?

Look, we know everyone has to make a living, even the daughters of rich, well connected people who, come to think of it, really don't have to make a living, but is having a "passion" and "unique perspective" on something you really don't know much about really all that's necessary?

And what the heck is a "unique perspective" anyway. What, did she learn to read from right to left? Write with her toes? Speak Esperanto? Hear colors? The whole foundation of literacy is shared conventions, so what sort of uniqueness are we talking about here?

Calm down Ironicus, you're saying. It's the Today show. It's not like anybody takes them seriously or anything. Besides, she's a Bush. She'll probably be drunk or high most of the time and incoherent.

Oh, like that stopped us from electing her father.