Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, it's Kentucky Derby weekend, and there's no more popular day if you're an overlord because you can pretend all those people coming to the track are there to keep you from having to work for a living.

Kentucky Derby Day is the busiest day of the year for the Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track in Bonita Springs. "Anything that doesn't mention greyhound racing seems to get people to come out," said Ray Sal, 76, of Naples. Sal was one of a few dozen handicappers at the track

Wait. Few dozen? It's the busiest day of the year and your talking a few dozen? What's up with that?

Recalling the days where racetracks across the United States were filled with horseplayers, Sal said a lack of a Triple Crown winner, off-track betting and the rise of casino gaming has hit the thoroughbred industry hard. “Just look in here,” he said. “The card players outnumber the horse players.”

So you're saying people would rather come out and play cards than watch animals get exploited for profit?  Well, that is a problem isn't it? Wonder if there's anything we can do about that.

Florida pari-mutuels that have greyhound racing could eliminate the dog racing and focus exclusively on the more profitable parts of the business -- slots and poker, under an amendment filed by Sen. Charlie Justice, D-St. Petersburg. "Look, most of the people who can read, or walk to the corner without getting lost gave up on greyhound racing long ago," Justice said. "We're just bringing the industry into line with the reality."

Hey, that's a bit harsh. Surely you're mistaken Mr. Legislator Sir. Why just last week we heard that the overlords in Iowa were gearing up for a record season. What do you know that they don't?
Thirty-six states have agreed that greyhound racing is too cruel and should be banned, The newest state to join the ranks of states that have outlawed greyhound racing is Rhode Island, having just passed a law that greyhound racing is so inhumane that it can no longer be tolerated in their state. New England has finally shut down its last greyhound track. Only twenty-three greyhound tracks continue to operate in the United States.
 Oh. Well, yeah, there is that. So you're saying the overlords in Iowa may be a bit...ah...over enthusiastic in their assessment of the situation?
Florida leads the nation with thirteen tracks despite the fact that from 1988 through 2002, betting on dog races declined by 41% while attendance declined by 71% between 1989 and 1998.
 OK, unless those 71% moved to Iowa, I think we got a problem here, right Charlie?

Charlie is sweet, very playful and a bit vocal. He is a very handsome and strong boy. He likes playing in the yard and he spins when it is food time. He is responsive to commands and willing to learn. He enjoys affection, but does not actively seek it out. It takes him time to learn to trust people before he will seek affection. He has big doe loving eyes. Although he is a lurcher, he looks very much like a greyhound. Charlie would do well in a patient dog savvy home. He is strong and therefore should not share his home with children. He would probably do best as an only dog, with a family member who can spend time with him – he deserves to be the center of attention for awhile. He would thrive in an activity family who will involve him in their activities. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Agent Mulder Call Your Office

You know, we never really thought about the importance of good community mental health care until President Obama was elected. Well, even then it didn't come to us right away. At first we thought all of the birthers and tenthers and Becksters and all those other people who never learned to spell were just the Bubbas having a hissy because those crazy Yankees had gone and elected them a negro and put him right up there in the White House, eating off the good china and sleeping in the big bed.

Then we began to notice  odd things occurring around the nation in areas that didn't have anything to do with Nazi communists in Washington or government take over of medicare. We began to read about state legislators, local government representatives, or just public figures doing things and saying things you would think would not be said by people in public positions who have to work to convince voters they are skilled professionals, worthy of their fellow citizens' trust. It became harder and harder for us to brush this off as good old all American sour grapes racism.

Then yesterday this plopped out of the inter toobz and landed loogie-like on our desk and suddenly it became crystal clear to us that a great many people in this country are in real need of psychological counseling, perhaps prolonged therapy with pharmaceutical assistance, or even institutionalization, and we don't me in state legislatures where they seem to be congregating now, but in managed living facilities overseen by competent mental health professionals.

Seriously. How else can you explain:
Georgians worried about having miniature computer circuits inserted into their bodies without their consent can rest a little easier now that their state lawmakers have taken action. The state Senate voted overwhelmingly for legislation that would prohibit involuntary implantation of microchips in any body part.
 Now, around the marbled halls of IM Central we pride ourselves on taking the weird and making it weirder, but frankly folks, we have no idea how to respond to that.
“By passing this bill, we are sending the message that Georgia is committed to upholding its citizens’ constitutional rights and protection of their person,” the bill's author, Sen. Chip Pearson (R-Dawsonville), said in a written statement. He said technology is moving fast and “we must be careful that it doesn’t come at the harm of citizens. The benefits of a microchip that can be internally implanted are also available in many external forms.”
 Is it possible this guy was just at his Vet and was asked if he wanted his dog micro-chipped and he just misunderstood? And what are the benefits of microchips either implanted, or in many external forms? Is this guy related to Glenn Reynolds?
Three states have instituted bans, and others have considered the legislation. In Virginia, a bill supporter declared microchips to be the “666″ mark of the beast referred to in the Book of Revelation.
 OK, so old Ned has a contract with Intel, is that what you're saying? Who's going to check the specs for this chip, Verrine? Hate to be in that meeting if the powerpoint sucks. But why all the fuss about microchips? Shouldn't you be passing laws about the homos getting married, or making sure the government's health care take over doesn't cover the people in your state, or something important like that?
The Internet is awash with rumors about the government inserting microchips into people's heads without their consent or knowledge.
Oh. Well, if it's on the internet it's got to be important. Still, do you actually know anyone who's been implanted?
At the House hearing, state Rep. Ed Setzler (R-Kennesaw), who is shouldering the legislation in the House, spoke earnestly for better than a half hour on microchips as a literal invasion of privacy.He was followed by a hefty woman who described herself as a resident of DeKalb County.
 Now, for our friends who may not be familiar with how people in Dixie describe things, when a southern lady is referred to as "hefty" that probably means they had to bring her in on a flat bed truck.
“I’m also one of the people in Georgia who has a microchip,” the woman said. She spoke of the “right to work without being tortured by co-workers who are activating these microchips by using their cell phones and other electronic devices.”
Wait. We thought it was the government doing this. Maybe this lady just needs to quit falling asleep in the breakroom.
She continued. “Microchips are like little beepers. Just imagine, if you will, having a beeper in...
Uh oh. Please don't go there ma'am...
...your rectum or genital area, the most sensitive area of your body. And your beeper numbers displayed on billboards throughout the city. All done without your permission,” she said.
Sweet Jebus on whole wheat toast! Somebody left the door to Ward Six unlocked again. OK, legislators, let's thank her for her time, nod, smile and get the heck out of here before she starts talking about anal probes.
“Ma’am, did you say you have a microchip?” asked state Rep. Tom Weldon (R-Ringgold).
Crap Weldon, don't encourage her! Somebody call security before she...
“Yes, I do. This microchip was put in my vaginal-rectum area,” she replied. Setzler, the sponsoring lawmaker, sat next to the witness – his head bowed.
Oh, lord. And this is a public hearing so there will be a record. Setzer, the next time somebody asks you to find a witness we want you to shoot them on the spot.
“You’re saying this was involuntary?” Weldon continued.
No, it was a door prize at a Tupperware party you idiot. Will somebody please tell this woman the people from the home are here.
Wendell Willard (R-Atlanta), chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, picked up the questioning.
Oh. Come. On. What do you guys do in your spare time, drive around looking for car wrecks to gawk at?
“Who implanted this in you?” he asked.
“Researchers with the federal government,” she said.
“And who in the federal government implanted it?” Willard asked.
“The Department of Defense.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
The woman was allowed to go about her business
Go about her business? That woman has no business. She's a loon, folks. A beer short of a six pack, a brick short of a load, a couple of eggs shy of a dozen, a sandwich short of a picnic, a few feathers short of a whole duck.  She doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box, doesn't have all the dots on her dice. Is any of this getting through? You don't craft legislation suggested by a crazy person.

The House Judiciary Committee approved passage of SB 235.

OK we take that back, but we feel obligated to ask what the country is coming to when Orly Taitz is the sane one.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, if the overlords could run greyhound racing on their mean their hopes, it would be the most popular heartless blood sport in the country that has as its end result the injury and death of innocent animals  We mean, take the overlords in Iowa who, when confronted with the fact that a private company was willing to pay the state $7 million a year just to get rid of them, managed to turn that into a positive.

Some greyhound kennels in Iowa expect a strong racing season even with an attempt to shut down the industry. "It's like when you drive by a car wreck, said Joe Lent of Dubuque's River Bluffs Kennel. You are disgusted but you can't help but look."

Hmm...greyhound wreck. Yeah, we can see that. But it's not just the present that has the overlords all in a tizzy. It's the future too.

The starting doors opened and four greyhounds sprang out of the gate. The dogs were puppies, not veterans. Thirty seconds later, the race was over and another heat at the National Greyhound Association spring meet in Abilene was set to go. "Everything at our meet is puppies," said Tim Horan, assistant director for the Greyhound Association. "The oldest dog out here is 16 months. Now, it's true some of them won't live to see 17 months, but that's the whole point: survival of the fastest. See I made a pun there."

You're a regular Carrot Top there Timmy boy, and a good thing too because you're going to need all of your sunny outlook on life to explain why Pennsylvania wants to kick overlords out of the state when they aren't even allowed to be there in the first place. Boy, it's as if the overlords can't take a hint.

Cynthia Branigan, president of a Bucks County greyhound adoption organization called the 2004 law banning dog racing in Pennsylvania — championed by state Sen. Stewart Greenleaf, R-12th District — unnecessary. "We've got to wait until we have a crime to pass a law, right? Branigan asked. "I mean, was there a law against murder before there was murder? No way. Once Cain killed Abel god said, 'Oops, guess I left a loophole in my rules and bingo bango, Moses gets the top ten."

And now Branigan, who runs Make Peace With Animals, describes legislation proposed by Greenleaf to prevent the simulcasting of greyhound racing in the commonwealth as the "height of absurdity. It's inexplicable," said Branigan, a Solebury Township resident who has written two books on the breed. "This legislation does not make sense, since there is no simulcasting in the state. And that it wasn't about to come here. I mean, if no one is going to rob your house, why pass a law outlawing burglary? It's bureaucratic overkill pure and simple."

Greenleaf said he introduced the legislation to further prevent the cruel treatment of the greyhounds. "The more we cut down on the potential market for this atrocity, the sooner we'll get rid of it," he said.

Branigan said the senator must have been "bamboozled" by anti-racing interests to introduce the bill. "They probably told him it might save dogs," she said. "Where's the proof of that? Look, if drying up the outlets for greyhound racing closes down the industry a few years earlier, all it will do is save those dogs that would have been killed if the industry had lasted. Wait. I don't think that came out right."

"I doubt (Greenleaf) came up with this alone," Branigan said. "In Pennsylvania it seems absurd to whip people into a frenzy about this. I mean, you know how worked up people can get when told about simulcast betting in other states and how it might come here. Well, if they know what you're talking about. And if there aren't bigger things on their minds like getting a job, or paying their bills. Didn't Glen Beck do a show about this?"

Branigan — who owns three greyhounds — said she opposes the anti-racing crowd, but does not favor the industry. "I'm against one side, but not for the other, so that's like a sort of half an opinion, right?"

We'd go more with half assed.

"Some consider me a tool of the racing industry," Branigan said. "Mostly the people in the racing industry who use me as a tool, but I am not. I've been criticized quite often for my opinions."

OK, so if you're a tool of the racing industry and people criticize you for being a tool, that means you're not a tool because...what? If you call a tool a tool, that turns it into a souffle? You're going to have to explain that one to us Emma.

Emma is playful and puppy-like. She gives play bows and wants to engage you. She is affectionate and happy – her tail wags often. She approaches for pets and will put her nose in your hand. She tries to get everyone in the house (dogs, cats, and people) to play with her by giving them a play bow. She likes to collect things, including clothes and toys. She follows her foster mom around the house. She is very cheerful. She can often be found on her back with her feet in the air (the cockroach position). Emma would do well in a working with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She would do best with another dog if her family works all day. She is playful and needs a family who will interact with her regularly to burn off her puppy-energy. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Nevada! Motto: What Lays In Las Vegas Pays In Las Vegas

Now, we'd be the first to admit that we're no fans of Nevada Senator Harry Reid. Yet, we also note that the state of Nevada has been conspicuously absent from mention on this here blog, which probably means the level of per capita idiocy has not reached critical levels, enabling it to break through the Stoli fog in which we seem permanently moored.

Well, there is the governor guy...

But we digress.

GOP Senate candidate Sue Lowden, who wants to replace Harry Reid, said this:
“I’m telling you that this works. You know, before we all started having health care, in the olden days our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the doctor, they would say I’ll paint your house. I mean, that’s the old days of what people would do to get health care with your doctors. Doctors are very sympathetic people. I’m not backing down from that system.”
Well, all righty then. As the great Chinese proverb made up by Fred Barnard instructs us: A picture is worth a thousand words. Therefore we offer, for your viewing please a Sue Lowden campaign poster:

Good people of Nevada, there are at least 100,000 drunks wandering the streets of Las Vegas alone at any given time. You have got to be able to do better than this.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Government Tyranny Is Not Raising The Co-Pay On Your Flomax Perscription

Well, today is the anniversary of the bombing of the Murrah building in Oklahoma City in which 168 people died including 19 children under the age of 6 because Timothy McVeigh thought the federal government was too big. Nobody asked the 19 kids what they thought.

And what better way to celebrate this example of democracy in action than to strap on a piece and head down to the local park because nothing says deliberation, compromise and consensus like heavily armed white men with penis issues.

Daniel Almond, a three-tour veteran of Iraq, is ready to "muster outside D.C." with several dozen other self-proclaimed patriots, all of them armed. "See, I say 'muster' 'cause that's army talk," Almond said. "that's how us soldiers talk."

Almond plans to have his pistol loaded and openly carried, his rifle unloaded and slung to the rear, a bandoleer of magazines containing ammunition draped over his polo-shirted shoulder. "I was going to wear my old uniform too, but I've put on a little weight."

The Atlanta area real estate agent organized the rally because he is upset about health-care reform, climate control, bank bailouts, drug laws and what he sees as President Obama's insistence on and the Democratic Congress's capitulation to a "totalitarian socialism" that tramples individual rights.When asked if differing views on a complicated national issue like health care could be understood better while standing in a park in Virginia with guns hanging off of him, Almond said, "Probably not, but don't I look cool in this bandoleer? My mom got it for me down at Army Navy Surplus."

On the lineup are several heroes of the militia movement, including Mike Vanderboegh, who advocated throwing bricks through the windows of Democrats who voted for the health-care bill; Tom Fernandez, who has established a nationwide call tree to mobilize an armed resistance to any government order to seize firearms; and former Arizona sheriff Richard Mack, who refused to enforce the Brady law and then won a Supreme Court verdict that weakened its background-check provisions."These guys are our Jefferson, Washington and Adams," Almond said.

Or maybe your Larry, Moe and Curly. Sort of depends who you talk to.

The brandishing of weapons is "not just an important symbol" but "a reminder of who we are," said Almond. "Balding, middle aged, overweight Crackers living in a world where the KFC Double Down chicken sandwich is haute cuisine and Glen Beck is an intellectual superstar."

When they stand on the river banks and preach an activism that sounds to some like sedition, the armed demonstrators will have the full support of the federal government they fear, carefully detailed in the 26-page event permit, complete with the gun regulations of both Virginia and the Interior Department and a commitment to provide fencing, barricades and bike racks for the event.

Wait a minute. You guys are supposed to be all steely eyed patriots ready to stand up to the iron fist of oppressive government even to the point of taking up arms--which you drape all over yourselves like tinsel on a cheap Christmas tree--yet before you showed up to show civilians just what manly men you were, you asked permission? And that oppressive, evil government granted the permission? And will provide racks for your bicycles?

Ironicus, you have met your Maximus.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we pick on the overlords quite a bit just because greyhound racing is a boil on the buttocks of this great nation, but truth is, a fair amount of their problem isn't because they're third grade drop outs with no people skills and substance abuse problems. See, you may have noticed that times are tough all over, and the states are mostly broke.

Take Florida for instance, the state where most of the remaining greyhound tracks in the country are failing. The state is $3.2 billion bucks in the red, can't raise taxes because, well, old people and nobody's got a job. Add to that the fact that having the state regulate the overlords just isn't the money making proposition it used to be, and you've got a recipe for hard times all around.

Now, none of this is the fault of the overlords. Sure, they're heartless, cruel, soulless, empty creatures, devoid of even the slightest hint of compassion, who suck their meager existence tick-like off the blood of innocent animals, but hey, nobody's perfect. The point is the economy is bigger than all of us and when times get tough, legislators have to make hard decisions, have to prioritize, have to make sure, as the fiscal pie gets smaller, essential government functions are still able to provide crucial services. Right Florida State Senator Dennis Jones?
A Florida Senate committee offered a last-ditch handout to Florida's ailing dog tracks and jai-alai frontons, passing a bill to give them a tax break to make it easier to compete with the growing gambling presence of the Seminole Tribe. The measure, passed 6-1 by the Committee on Regulated Industries, would lower the tax rate only on the 19 dog tracks and jai-alai frontons that do not operate slot machines -- those outside of Miami-Dade and Broward. The cost to the state: $19 million.
See? We all have to tighten out belts, pull together and gut it out through these hard times. The overlords are treated no differently, they have to...wait a minute, what?
``This is the other piece of the puzzle in trying to balance the compact with the parimutuels in Miami-Dade and Broward and the rest of the state,'' said  Jones, the sponsor of the bill.
"Balance the compact with the parimutuels"? Dude, have you even read your own state's report on the parimutuels? Especially the part where it says:

"Over the last decade, Florida’s pari-mutuel wagering industry has declined steadily, with attendance and state revenue falling dramatically. The Legislature has amended pari-mutuel wagering laws several times in an effort to stimulate the industry. Nonetheless, the industry no longer generates sufficient revenue to support both the cost of regulation and the $29.9 million distribution to counties mandated by current law."
Now, when it says "the industry no longer generates sufficient revenue to support both the cost of regulation and the $29.9 million distribution to counties mandated by current law"? That's bad see, because it means the overlords are costing you more than they're bringing in.

We're not economists, or anything, but we understand there is a specific term for continuing to invest money in this type of situation. It's called "dumb." Bart can explain that to you if you'd like, right guy?

Bart is very gentle, quiet, happy, well-mannered and easygoing. He is affectionate. He likes to be petted and he will pick his paw up and place it on you when you stop petting him. He will also lean against you for attention. He loves to go for car rides and even enjoys sitting in the car when it is not moving. He likes to run and play in the yard. Bart would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good as the only dog in the home. He has limited experience with other dogs at this time. He would do best in a single family home, because he tends to be vocal when first left in the crate.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

But Ma! Billie's Mom Let's Him Fight On The Side Of Jesus

We can sympathize with Jacob Ward. From washing behind your ears, to cleaning your room, to eating your peas, moms can sometimes be real irritants.
Police in tiny Huron, Ohio, said they became alarmed about Jacob Ward last July after his mother confiscated his guns.
See, now that's just out of line right there.  And there's no point in taking the grievance up with dad either because he'll just cave when mom gives him that look. Appeals to reason fall on deaf ears too. We're sure Jacob had a perfectly reasonable  need for his firearms, right?
Police reports indicate Ward wanted his AK47 and .45-caliber pistol back because an Ohio crime family was after him for trying to marry a Macedonian woman who had been held captive on an island in Lake Erie by another crime family.
Uh...we're not sure what surprises us more, that Ohio has a crime family, or Lake Erie has islands. Still, Mrs. Ward, a guy's got to have his Little Friend, you know? Since you won't let him have a dog that's pretty much all he's got. What do you say now mom? Come on. Maybe just the pistol?
Ward's mother told police she seized the guns because she was worried about her son's mental state, reports said.
Whoa! Mrs. Ward that's cold! He's your own kid and stuff.
The 33-year-old former mall janitor -- who is jailed in Michigan on charges of conspiring with a Lenawee County militia group to declare war on the U.S. -- wanted police to pursue criminal charges because of the confiscated guns and was irate when the cops refused, Huron Police Chief John Majoy said.
What! You called the cops! On your mom! Dude, suck it up. We mean, when our mom took away our bike for a week because we ran over our sister (twice) we were pissed, but we knew we'd get it back. And what's with "former" mall janitor? Couldn't keep up with the technological changes in floor maintenance or something?

We gotta go with your mom on this one man. If you have trouble with the Sanitaire Model SC6015 industrial grade floor polisher, you don't need to be toting around no AK 47.

And gangsters holding women prisoners on an island? Wasn't that a movie back in the 90's? Starred Steven Seagal or something. We think.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Oklahoma! Motto: Pew Pew Pewpewpew, KaBOOM!

We have to admit to a certain fondness for the militias. Probably hearkens back to our days as little Ironici and the enjoyment we found in a rousing game of Army. Sometimes Marines, but mostly Army as we hadn't learned to swear quite well enough to handle the role of Gunney. Don't quite remember who the enemy was, maybe Germans, or Japs, or White Sox Fans, we're kind of fuzzy on the details, but those long, lazy summer afternoons spent slithering through the underbrush in the local park, then bursting up to charge the enemy pillbox all the while supplying our own sound effects will always remain a treasured memory. Plus we were great at dying. Break your heart to see us go down. "Gasp. Wheeze. You guys take that hill for me will ya? Grimace. Tell Lucy not to forget me. Wheeze. Cough. Sigh."

So all this is by way of saying that we have an understanding of  the attraction of militias, and feel we can sympathize with why a young, undereducated unemployed person would be unwilling to leave those carefree days of chasing Nazis, Imperialist Asian hordes, or American League fans out of the neighborhood. That being said, we need to tell you that we still don't quite understand what's going on in Oklahoma. 

Frustrated by the fact that they can only attract crazy people, tea party leaders and some mentally handicapped members of the Oklahoma Legislature say they would like to create a new volunteer militia to help defend against what they believe are improper federal infringements on state sovereignty. "We've already designed the uniform," said Al Gerhart of Oklahoma City, who heads an umbrella group of tea party factions called the Oklahoma Constitutional Alliance. "It's really cool too. My mom knows how to sew and she said she'd make one for me."

Tea party movement leaders say they've discussed the idea with several unmedicated lawmakers and hope to get legislation next year to recognize a new volunteer force. They say the unit would not resemble militia groups that have been raided for allegedly plotting attacks on law enforcement officers. "Well, unless they try to enforce a federal mandate, say like the Head Start program," said one tea party leader who asked not to be named. "Then all bets are off."

Thus far, the discussions have been sporadic, particularity after Gerhart forgot to take out the garbage and was not allowed to come back outside after dinner. Even the proponents say they don't know how an armed force would be organized nor how a state-based militia could block federal mandates. "We considered taking a copy of the Health Care Bill out back and shooting it," Gerhart told reporters," But mostly we'll probably just wear our uniforms a lot."

Critics also asserted that the force could inflame extremism, and that the National Guard already provides for the state's military needs."Yeah, but you got to pass a test to get into the Guard," said one prospective militia volunteer.

The militia talks reflect the frustration of some grass roots groups seeking new ways of fighting recent federal initiatives, such as the health reform plan, which requires all citizens to have health insurance. "The government just wants to keep you alive longer so you'll pay more taxes," said one tea party leader. "Besides, why can't people just get the Medicare like I did? Nice feller down at the Social Security office told me about it after I hurt my back and had to quit work."

State Sen. Randy Brogdon, R-Clozapine, a Republican candidate for governor who has appealed for tea party support because most people who can read have come out against his candidacy, said supporters of a state militia have talked to him because he's the only one that will listen, and that he believes the citizen unit would be authorized under the Second Amendment to the Constitution."That's the gun one, right?" Brogdon asked.

Tea party leader J.W. Berry of the Tulsa-based OKforTea began soliciting interest in a state militia through his newsletter under the subject Buy more guns, more bullets. "It's not a far-right crazy plan or anything like that," Berry said. "This would be done with the full cooperation of the state Legislature."

Oh. Well, as long as the legislature is involved we're sure it's fine.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

If We Could Find A Homosexual Jew Possessed By The Devil We Could Put This All Behind Us

We're coming to you today from the Evildoer Du Jour Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The EDJ Department is part of the Pass The Buck Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Kill The Messenger, LLC.

A while back we told you that one Father Amorth--who just happens to be the Benedicto's Chief Satan Stomper--had figured out that the reason all the little choir boys kept getting doinked by the cassock wearing set was because Old Ned had developed some sort of Special Ops unit and had successfully infiltrated the popster's headquarters, which we can totally believe because with all the robes and funny hats running around there, hiding your horns and tail would be a piece of cake.

Now, truth be told, we weren't quite sure how having a double agent running the Department of Incense Quality in Rome would cause priests to want to share the holy rod the youngsters in, say Milwaukee, but we had to admit that Father A probably knew more about how Lucifer's mind worked than we did so we were willing to go along with his explanation.

Turns out we should have trusted our first instinct because, upon further examination, it seems the good padre's conclusion might have been a bit premature.

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. "It just makes sense if you think about it," Babini told reporters. "It's no secret the Jews never liked Christ, plus we totally rule at Christmas. I mean, dreidels? Come on."

Well, that is a point your bishopness. It wasn't like the Jews were ever consulted on this whole savior thing.We mean, he was god for chrissakes, he could have been born anywhere, even Scranton, plus it's got to be a bit upsetting when your holiday gives you Pitcha and wooden toys while your neighbors are up to their ears in spiked egg nog and tickle me Elmos. OK, so it looks like we've found our culprit, although how the vast Jewish conspiracy got those priests to baptize the buttocks of their pre-pubescent parishioners with the sacred sauce is still a bit fuzzy. Can you help us out Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican's secretary of state?

The Vatican's second-highest authority says the sex scandals haunting the Roman Catholic Church are linked to homosexuality and not celibacy among priests. "Do you know what celibacy means?" Bertone asked. "It means no sex, which isn't a problem for someone as old as I am, but them homos, they're porking fools. I mean have you ever been to The Hanger?  There's more pickups in that room than a whole warehouse full of amphetamines. Not that I would have any first hand information about that sort of thing."

"Many psychologists and psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relation between celibacy and pedophilia. But many others have demonstrated, I have been told recently, that there is a relation between homosexuality and pedophilia. That is true," said Bertone. "That is the problem. Just ask Dr. Herek at UC Davis. Back me up here doc:"
Are homosexual adults in general sexually attracted to children and are preadolescent children at greater risk of molestation from homosexual adults than from heterosexual adults? There is no reason to believe so. The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation. There appears to be practically no reportage of sexual molestation of girls by lesbian adults, and the adult male who sexually molests young boys is not likely to be homosexual (Groth & Gary, 1982, p. 147).
 Oops. Heh. Looks like Dr. Herek might be a Lutheran or something. But let's cut to the chase here Padres. Let's quit beating around the bush. We all know where this is going. We all know where we're going to end up, so why not just get to the point and tell us why this is Obama's fault.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, it occurs to us as we look back over the last little bit of the spacetime continuum traveled by our particular world line that events have not been kind to the bubbas. Or perhaps we should use their christian name, Confederate Southern Americans.

Generally that would not concern us on FHB day as we turn our attention to the skinny dogs, but it seems the growing intolerance of certain segments of this failing Constitutional Republic has bled over even into the realm of greyhound racing.
A white employee of Southland Greyhound and Racing lost an appeal Monday of a judge's dismissal of her lawsuit in which she claimed a black supervisor harassed her and promoted another white woman ahead of her.
Now, leave aside for a moment the fact that this lady doesn't seem to grasp the finer points of the concept of discrimination, since she is complaining another white person got a job that she, a white person had applied for. Perhaps she's just figuring that since there's a black person in the mix there must be discrimination going on somewhere, because lord knows black folks complain when white folks get a job over them. Good for the goose, good for the gander sort of thing, we guess.

The point is that it appears, like the bubbas,  the overlords are the last social group it's acceptable to discriminate against. We mean, what kind of justice is this:
A three-judge panel of the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in St. Louis issued a split ruling that said Dianna L. Helton of Marion didn't have enough evidence to bring her claims to trial.
Evidence? Evidence? Wait. Can't you see that she's white? Well, this will not stand because Ms. Helton has engaged the crack legal team of  Dewey Cheatim and Howe:
A lawyer for Helton said Monday he may ask for a rehearing before the full 8th Circuit. "With a different panel, it could have been 2-1 in our favor," attorney Marc I. Baretz of West Memphis said Monday. "Or it could have been 3-0 against. You just don't know."
Right. Because if it had been different, it wouldn't have been the same, or it could have been worse. That's complex , advanced legal trial theory right there boy. And it's a good thing too, because the fight can't stop here. This kind of wanton disregard for privilege is tearing this country apart, not to mention the devastating effect it's having on the lives of hapless overlords.
Tampa Bay area tracks say the pending gambling agreement between the tribe and the state leaves them out in the cold. "It's devastating,'' says Vera Filipelli, spokeswoman for St. Petersburg's Derby Lane greyhound track. "I think we all got sold down the river.''
So true, so true Ms. Filipelli. It's like all those times that evil little tart Becky Thompson told you everyone was meeting in the park and you went there, but they never showed. Later you found out they never intended to go to the park, but just told you that so you wouldn't follow them to the mall.
None of the changes will help parimutuels compete against the array of casino games at Seminole Hard Rock, said Filipelli. "People come in here looking for slots,'' she says. "And we don't have them.''
 Oh, it's the park all over again isn't it Ms. Filipelli? They say, "You go over here and set up your heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit business, and we'll be right along to spend our money." But they never show do they? Later you find out they weren't at all interested in the dogs suffering so you could make your trailer payment.

Breaks your heart to see that kind of callous disregard for another living creature's feelings, doesn't it Zip?

Zip is a very affectionate gentleman. He is a greyhound-mix, with glowing green eyes, shorter snout and a short tail. In his manner, though, he is 100% greyhound (except that his nose doesn’t drip!) Like other greys, he ‘roos’ and talks a lot, especially when he’d like a snack. Zip is also a major love bug and loves to crawl onto your lap if you are on the sofa. He is always a very mellow and calm boy. It appears that Zipper is partially deaf. When he is in the yard and his family calls him he will not respond if he isn’t looking. If they use visible hand signals, he will respond. He can hear you if you yell loud enough. Zip would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would do best in a home with another dog for him to play with. Zip would do best in a house over a condo or apartment.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

If Nobody Had Told Your Parents About Sex We Wouldn't Have This Problem

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that disappointment is a shadow inexorably reaching into the brightest meadows of our mean know that as card carrying members of the educorporate training facility in our area we spend a fair proportion of our time amongst the youth of this great nation, now falling into the clutches of  Muslim socialism and melanin charged tyranny.

Oh, and we're going to be redistributing some of you rich white folks' incomes too, but that's not our point.

Our point is that our close proximity to the FaceBook watching, World of Warcraft playing, Tweeting generation has afforded us, on occasion, the opportunity to observe their mating rituals, which is why we think Juneau County District Attorney Scott Southworth is uh, how to say this politely, somewhat misinformed.
A district attorney is telling Juneau County schools to abandon their sex education courses, saying a new curriculum law could lead to criminal charges against teachers for contributing to the delinquency of minors.
  If we may reply in the venerable language of the judiciary, to you Mr. Southworth attorney at law sir, we say your argument is prima facie argumentum ad ignoratiam because you make the assumption our good sir, that teachers can tell the youth--hereinafter referred to as those rutting bags of raging hormones--something they don't already know about sex. Res ipsa loquitur Counselor that you  are, in the vernacular, whack.

The new law "promotes the sexualization - and sexual assault - of our children," Southworth wrote in a March 24 letter to officials in five school districts. He urged the districts to suspend their sex education programs and transfer their curriculum on anatomy to a science course. "I hated science when I was a kid," Southworth said. "Put sex in there and they'll never notice."

Umm...You sure you've thought this through Mr. Southworth? Is it really a good idea to put sex in a class that has experiments?
"Forcing our schools to instruct children on how to utilize contraceptives encourages our children to engage in sexual behavior, whether as a victim or an offender," Southworth wrote. "It is akin to teaching children about alcohol use, then instructing them on how to make mixed alcoholic drinks."
 Har har har. See, Mr, Southworth is making a joke there. Sex and alcohol...get it? What's that you say sir? If it wasn't for alcohol you'd never have sex? Oh. Sorry.

Representative Kelda Helen Roys (36D-Victoria's Secret), who helped write the new law, said Southworth's letter was irresponsible and that it was laughable to think teachers could be charged for telling students how to use contraception. "Dude's a little uptight, don't you think? Hey Scotty, go buy yourself a Playboy or something. Spend some time in the executive bathroom know what I'm saying?"

"Using condoms isn't a crime for anyone," she said. "This guy a graduate of the   Ross Douthat School of Sexual Discomfort or something? His purpose is to intimidate and create enough panic in the minds of school administrators that they'll turn their backs on young people and their families."

Well, lord knows it's easy enough to scare school administrators. Clap your hands, make a shadow on the wall, tell them there are lesbos in the school, stuff like that sends them to the Xanax like Tea Baggers to a bumper sticker sale.
"The challenge with it is as soon as you start discussions with this issue, the morality aspect, the spiritual aspect . . . the family aspect has to be weighed," he said. "We don't sit here and condone premature sexual behavior, yet it's a societal reality. So how do we deal with it?" said Tom Andres, superintendent of the New Lisbon School District.

"Ignore it," Southworth said. "Like when I was growing up. Weren't no teenage pregnancies back then, although I do remember several girls in my high school graduating class suddenly transferred to an all girls school out of state. I always thought that was a little strange."
Southworth, a Republican, says in his letter that he could charge teachers with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, depending on the specifics of cases he reviews.
We have to say, even thought we don't agree with Mr. Southworth, we admire how committed he is to his values and not afraid to take on public displeasure, even ridicule to remain true to those values.
"I'm not looking to charge any teachers," he said. "I've got enough work to do."
 Yeah, well, advertising your moral superiority is one thing. Having to actually act on those beliefs can be darned inconvenient, huh Mr. District Attorney Church Lady?

UPDATE: Yesterday we told you about Governor Bob and Cracker Appreciation Month. Apparently, someone said Bubba please, bring your skinny white behind over here and read this history book.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Virginia! Motto: Where The Past Meets...Uh...Another Past

Well, we see governor Bob (Wimminz, stay home and birth 'dem babies) McDonnell of Virginia has brought back Confederate History month and we are here to tell you it's not a minute too soon. Now, regular reader(s) of this blog may have thought life wasn't the chaotic drizzle of random chance slowly dissolving the promise of their futures into a morass of fleeting probabilities thin as the wings of a mean may remember that we are sons of the south ourselves having been brought into to this world in the great state of Tennessee and as such have always had a soft spot in our hearts for Hominy grits with biscuits and honey...umm...we mean a soft spot in out hearts for the Bubbas. Or maybe in our heads.

No matter because the Bubbas are the last ethnic group it's socially acceptable to be prejudiced against. Well, except for the homos. And immigrants. Come to think of it, there's still not much room in polite company for them East coast elitist latte drinkers. Especially if they're them college educated man hatin' lesbos. Boy, now there's a group of people we'd be better off if they moved right on out to Europe or someplace, be with their own kind and all. America for Americas we always say. What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, Confederate History Month. Look, darkies got their month. The wimmin got theirs, heck even those fairy poets get a month, so what's so wrong about giving Confederate Southern Americans a month?
Sen. A. Donald McEachin (D-Richmond) said he was "stunned" to learn of McDonnell's decision and even more stunned that the proclamation did not include any reference to slavery. "It's offensive,'' he said.
Oh. Yeah, well there is that. But look Donny boy this isn't about slavery. It's about tourism. don't you see that, boy?

Sons of Confederate Veterans representative Brandon Dorsey said the governor's stamp of approval would help the group publicize the month and aide tourism efforts in the state."Hey look, if you're a racist bigot with a third grade education there aren't too many places left where you can vacation and feel welcome. We're just filling a niche in the leisure market, that's all."

 "As I read it, this proclamation is more designed to get people to study the issue rather than simply being a tribute," Dorsey said. "We would like everyone in the state to honor the sacrifice of the brave men who went out and died in battle. At the very least, we'd like them to study why they went out and did it which was to protect the plantation class' right to cheap labor by owning humans. And I think the proclamation could be construed either way, one way that reminds us how the south belittled and dehumanized an entire race of people for profit, and another that reminds us how we in the south have held the country back since its inception. It's all about perspective people."

 Right. See, that's what you Yankees don't understand. It's all in how you look at it. Like when you were in high school and you were a football star. All the girls dug you and the whole world was at your feet. Now, twenty five years later you're working the night shift down at the Piggly Wiggly, your wife's fat and won't let you touch her and your kids hate you. But in your mind, your mind...

Friday, April 02, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we told you how the community minded people at Harrahs' had offered to contribute to the welfare of the state of Iowa by the views of state legislators in order to help them see the value of passing a bill, which we believe was called the No More Free Rides For Overlords Act.

Well, proving once again that even copious amounts of dead presidents cannot overcome the residual effects of being dropped on your head numerous times as a child, the duly elected representatives of the people of Iowa decided in was in the best interests of all concerned (except the dogs of course) to pass on Harrah's kind offer this year, but promised to "study" the issue which, as we all know is what you say when someone asks you to make a decision before the nice man has brought you your medication.

Anyway, even though the residents of the people's house in Des Moines decided that giving money to the overlords rather than taking it from Harrah's was a good idea for now, that didn't end the conversation, and all manner of actual citizens weighed in on the issue by corresponding with their local media outlets. Most of the missives went something like this:
For years, Iowa law has required racetrack casinos in Council Bluffs and in Dubuque to use gaming revenues to supplement purses awarded to winning greyhounds.
But now at least one company says that money could be better spent in the public interest...[L]egislators must weigh the question of whether it’s in the public’s interest to compel businesses to subsidize the greyhound industry.
 Yeah, we know. You were probably as surprised as us to learn that the greyhound racing had to be propped up to survive.  Who knew? Certainly not this young man who's highest goal in life is to become an overlord.
I have applied at Bluffs Run for 3 years as an in-state kennel and have not received a call back, yet they use this as propaganda to try and persuade our legislature to eliminate racing!'s probably nothing personal there Mr. Overlord wannabe, are you sure you told them them that if they let you open your kennel that will be the catalyst that turns a "dead sport" into a winner?
They also fail to claim that they have “choked out” the avid greyhound fans and bettors in ways including horrible customer service, poor food quality and selection, 4 p.m. post times and suspending live racing on the biggest gambling days of the year, i.e. The Kentucky Derby.
Certainly "avid" greyhound racing fans are used to the highest level of service and cuisine, because lord knows when you're spending the rent money on two dollar bets, the last thing you want is for your foie gras to be served at an improper temperature.
Harrah’s has methodically and unequivocally poisoned the image of the breeders, kennel owners and image of the greyhound industry.
 Do you know why all those tracks closed last year? Harrah's. Wonder why New Hampshire banned greyhound racing? Harrah's. Question Three in Massachusetts passed, why? Harrah's.
They were recently quoted in a Las Vegas Sun article that, “We’re not sure this is a business we want to be in.” Does that sound like a commitment?
 We don't know. On the one hand it does seems a trifle harsh, on the other it explains why no one is returning your calls. What do you think Leftie? Leftie? Hey Leftie, wake up!

Leftie is very gentle, calm, confident, and quiet. He is very affectionate. He loves to follow his foster mom around the house. He is a big greyhound collector, and likes to collect the foster mom’s stuff and brings it to his bed. He will sometimes grab the TV remote and change the channel. He likes to play with soft toys and raw hides. Leftie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog, as long as the family gave him a lot of affection. He loves to run and can be a bit vocal, so he needs a single family home with a fenced yard or with someone who would exercise him daily. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

The Banker Who Had To Give Up His Club Membership...Tell Us That Story Again

Frequent readers of this blog may have been misinformed about their mean have often expressed bewilderment to various media outlets, as well as casual passers by concerning the government's strategy of giving the richest people in the country more money after they flung so many billions of other people's money off into the gaping maw of stupidity, much as monkeys fling feces at unwary tourists.

Well, ponder in the face of  looming chaos no more you stock option challenged, economy class flying, non-chauffeured proletariats you. Timothy Geithner explains it all.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said it's "deeply unfair" that some financial institutions that got taxpayer-paid bailouts are emerging in better shape from the recession than millions of ordinary Americans. "But then, that's sort of the difference between 'ordinary' and special isn't it?" he added.

He acknowledged public outrage over that and said people watched with disdain as Washington protected high-risk banks and investment houses, even as the national unemployment rate was soaring to double-digit levels for the first time in a generation. "It's high level, sophisticated econometrical science stuff though," Geitner said. "We wouldn't expect people who have to, like pay their own bills to understand."

Geithner also argued that President Barack Obama had no choice when confronted with a financial crisis. "As the president has said, we had to do some very unpopular things," Geithner said. "People looked at what had happened." "It's not fair. It's deeply unfair," he said. "He (Obama) had to decide whether he was going to act to fix it or stand back ... and that would have been calamitous for the American economy."

Well, there you go then. OK all you whiners who lost your jobs, your houses and your retirements, suck it up because if the government hadn't bailed out the banks you might have lost your jobs, your houses and your retirements.

Can't argue with science.