Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cuiusvis Hominis Est Errare; Nullius Nisi Insipientis In Errore Perseverare

We didn't set out to make this religion week. In fact we tend not to think too much about this blog at all, leading as it does to the inevitable questions regarding the propriety of supposedly responsible and mature individuals engaging in behavior such as is manifested consistently in this space.

Be that as it may, however, we found ourselves irresistibly drawn to the image of the pope standing on his balcony in his red shoes, wearing the drapes, his best Gandalf hat and shouting at the anglicans "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

Pope Benedict took a major step to make it easier for disaffected anglicans who feel their church has become too inclusive to get hip to his posse. "The pope's representatives will visit parishes that want to join and show converts the secret catholic handshake," said a vatican spokesperson man.

The move comes after years of discontent in some sectors of the 77-million-strong worldwide anglican community over the ordination of women priests and homosexual bishops. "Say what you will about catholics," said one disaffected anglican. "A least their women know their place, and their homos are in the closet. It's what god wanted religion to be."

The vatican said the pope had approved a document known as "Pope Says You Gotta Do It" to accept anglicans who want to join catholicism, either individually or in bingo teams, while maintaining some of their own traditions. "Article I Section 1 of the document specifies who in the vatican gets your bank account routing numbers," said a spokesman for the pope's office of Making Nice to Whack Churches. "After that we're pretty flexible."

It marks perhaps the clearest and boldest institutional step by the Vatican to welcome disaffected Anglicans into the fold since King Henry VIII broke with Rome and set himself up at the head of the new Church of England in 1534. "Well, we figure if we'd sold divorces as cheaply back then as we sold indulgences, there wouldn't be an anglican church in the first place, so it's sort of like a homecoming," said one cardinal who asked not to be named.

The Pope Says You Gotta Do It seeks to balance on the one hand the concern to preserve the worthy anglican liturgical and spiritual patrimony and, on the other hand, the concern that these groups and their clergy will be "treated like a red headed step child at the family reunion," the Vatican said.

Anglicans will find it easier than before to join the catholic church because the baptists don't want them and the lutherans didn't return their phone calls. "We thought about approaching the Dali Lama," said one anglican bishop. "But who wants to learn that crazy Chinaman lingo? Latin's bad enough."

The new regulations, due to come into effect soon, will not affect the catholic church's policy of hiding its own priests who diddle the choirboys. But they will continue the age-old practice of allowing a married anglican priest who converts to remain married. "We're hoping if those anglican guys are getting a little taste now and then they'll be a little more likely than our guys to keep it in their pants." said one vatican spokesman. "We don't need anymore trouble in the perv department if you get my drift."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican communion, told a news conference in London that he did not see the Vatican move as "an act of aggression" or vote of no confidence, but part of a routine relationship between the two Churches. "You should have seen the load of fish eaters we picked up after vatican II," he said. "Man, the Babushkas came running to us like it was free rosary night or something."

"This is not a comment on the life of the Anglican Communion. This is a response to people who came forward," said Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster and head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. "If those chumps want to go all women's lib on their congregation, who are we to complain? Hey anglicans, don't want to watch a bunch of bras burn, or go to mass with the swishy set? Come on over to Papa Bene's place. First three Latin lessons are free!"

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Pope's response considered "courageous and generous"?
Tell that to all the homosexuals, women , and dying of starvation and AIDS, Africans, because they can't even afford a condom, let alone a pair of shoes or hat.

Anonymous said...

All the Churches, everywhere are losing money and fast, due to not only the recession, but due to intolerance.
Churches seem to be the last to "get it".
How stupid is that?

Anonymous said...

Is it any wonder "meditation" is taking over the "religious" and "spiritual".
You don't have to smile and nod or even put up with the collection plate.
And you leave this experience feeling good about your body and your mind and your hence, your soul.

Anonymous said...

You know what his name really is?
Ratzinger.
Seriously.
Ratzinger.
He is Conservative.
He is German.
He has a foundation called the Ratzinger Foundation!
This foundation sells books and essays he writes to raise money for scholarships!
Ratzinger.
No thank you.

Anonymous said...

Anglo-Greek divers have discovered an underwater city off the southern tip of Greece, that dates back more than 5,000 years. Extremely beautiful and sophisticated with even a type of "town hall".
They were very intelligent, philosophical people as well as magnificent in architectures and paintings. They probably vanished due to tsunami or an earthquake.
I wonder what they believed in?

Anonymous said...

The guy is just plain ugly.

Anonymous said...

Kind of like the Crips and the Bloods.
Just different colors, hats and shoes.

Anonymous said...

I think I get it.
I think the Pope is against anything as powerful as he.
I think French influences have always bothered him because the French do not need religion the way he likes to make them believe.
Kind of like "breed" and then you will have to pray for a lot of help to raise them. But the French are not breeding the way he had hoped.
"A family" is such that one , if true and honest, will always have a hold and a loyalty, and no matter what state you are in, they never , ever forget. And if you need help, "the family" is there and will come calling. After all, there were "families" long before there was a Pope, and no-one needs to get "set-up" with false circumstances .( And no-one needs a million babies to do it.)
I think I get it.
I think it looks great.
I actually think it looks quite outstanding!
For real production and real creativity.
Everyone is truly starting to think.
And , to plan.
I think ,if what I actually see, are two-fold, even better!
Who one knows and deals with is so important so you know what can be achieved.
And if they know what they know and who they know and how all these people work together, already, who needs to follow someone in Italy?
He doesn't like women, homosexuals and equality.
But we have to get rid of the Pope.
The Pope just wants the power.
And he just won't let you think.

scripto said...

So you don't even have to be Catholic to be Catholic anymore? That should be easier on the kids. I knew there was something afoot when they slapped that Prot ending on the Lord's Prayer. Sister Mary Joseph would not approve. I mean she would approve of the Nazification of the Papacy. But this rapprochement with the Protestants? No way.

A World Quite Mad said...

You know, on the bright side the Catholics got all that burning at the stake of heretics and witches out of their system a couple hundred years ago.

LMAO@ all your base

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Clearly it is only a matter of time before all these money loosing churches take a cue from their red headed step children in Africa, and start hunting Witches for fun and prophet.