Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Bad Boys Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do When They Shoot At You

We have to admit that the reasons we Iraq long ago outstripped our puny efforts to keep them straight. Not that we didn't try...well...OK, we didn't try, but that's beside the point. Still, somewhere in between the WMD's (which we thought stood for Without Much Debate), the removal of Saddam and the spreading terrorist flypaper we thought we heard something about Iraqis standing up and Americans pulling their chairs away as they sat back down.

Or something.

Then we read this article and we thought, maybe we understood more than we thought we did. Stoli for breakfast will do that to a person.

Training the police is as important to stabilizing Iraq as building an effective army there, but the United States has botched the job by assigning the wrong agencies to the task, two members of the Iraq Study Group said. "Look, we're all in favor of teaching Iraqi police how to run the sirens and lights," said Representative Lee Hamilton, who co-chaired the bipartisan commission. "But shouldn't they learn about laws and stuff first?"

According to the report, co-authored by Hamilton and former Attorney General Edwin Meese, the U.S. erred by first assigning the task of shaping the judicial system in a largely lawless country to private contractors who "did not have the expertise or the manpower to get the job done. In retrospect, awarding the contract to Cops r Us was a mistake," Meese said.

In 2004, the mission was assigned to the Defense Department, which devoted more money to the task. But department officials also were insufficiently trained for the job, Hamilton and Meese said. "Blowing up double parked cars instead of ticketing them was counterproductive to good citizen police relationships," Hamilton told reporters. "Also, patrolling in tanks instead of squad cars sent the wrong message to the community."

As a result, Iraq has little if any on-the-street law enforcement personnel or a functioning judicial system free of corruption, they said. "Donut shops all through the city are laying off workers and closing," Meese told reporters.

Justice Department officials, they said, should lead the work of transforming the system. Police executives and supervisors should replace the military police personnel now assigned. "You need people with police backgrounds to train police," said a White House Spokesperson. "Who knew?"

As a nation we'd be much better off if the executive branch were not so insular," said Senator Arlen Specter, R-Not Santorum to no one in particular. "I'd think the executive branch would be well advised to do more than have a meeting and a news conference to give in-depth consideration to what is being proposed here."

"Hey, meetings and news conferences are our policies," said Tony Snowjob, White House Press Secretary.

"If the administration had been serious and competent about establishing a functioning democracy in Iraq, it would have seen the need for a trustworthy criminal justice system in which all Iraqis could have confidence," Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy D-Found a pair, said in prepared remarks. "Of course if this administration was serious and competent, it would be the Gore administration. Just saying."

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

And If This Guy Doesn't Work Out, We're Down To The Chief Of Police In Fargo

See, here's the problem: president Bush is a visionary, one of those people who comes along only infrequently, and when they do, they're often misunderstood. It's like his thinking is so far beyond what we're capable of when he tries to explain his decision to us, it's like trying to explain fire to a fish. And we're the fish.

As a result of the inability of the 64% of us who, due to our own shortcomings, are unable to fully comprehend the convoluted intricacies and subtle shadings of the cowboy way, the president has had trouble convincing people that when he says it's raining, they don't have to walk to the window and look out before they agree. So, outside of Cheney and the voices in his head, the president hasn't gotten a whole lot of support, even if you do count Joe Lieberman...but that's sort of like counting Barney.

So who can blame the president for firing generals who want to talk about what's going on in Iraq and replace them with admirals who understand that's it's not what's happening that counts, it's what we want to have happen that matters, right Admiral Fallon?

Navy Admiral William Fallon, who is poised to become the top American commander in the Middle East because the president ran out of army generals, says the United States miscalculated the ability of Iraqi forces to take control and underestimated the enemy's persistence.

Right. See that's the kind of can do attitude that...wait a minute...what?

"Securing the stability of the country has been more difficult than anticipated," Fallon said in a written statement. "If by anticipated you mean we never thought about any difficulties at all."

Hang on there a minute Admiral. Are you saying the US can't win in Iraq, capture bin Laden, crush the islamocommiefascist ninja shadow warriors and restore Christ to the middle east?

The United States may have to adopt more realistic expectations for Iraq, president Bush's choice to become the top U.S. military commander for the Middle East said.

Excuse us, did you say "realistic?" Did that man just say "realistic?" Did anyone else hear that?

Joining other senior U.S. government and military officials in recent months who have said the United States is not winning in Iraq, Admiral William Fallon told the U.S. Senate Armed Service Committee, "What we've been doing is not working. If by working you mean...well...working."

Now just hold it one minute there swaby. You're the man our president picked to carry out his policy in the middle east and you're up here telling us to get all realistic and stuff. Does the president know about this?

"Maybe we ought to redefine the goals here a bit and do something that's more realistic in terms of getting some progress and then maybe take on the other things later," he said. "And by progress I mean getting the road from Baghdad open long enough to get out, and by later I mean after the current administration has ended."

Ah. That's better. We told you the president was a deep thinker. You can see the aspects of his plan coming into focus now can't you?

"Going back to 2003, we had hundreds of good ideas of things that we would like to see in Iraq that are more reflective of the kind of society and process that we enjoy here," Fallon said. "But the president decided to listen to the voices in his head instead, so here we are."

Hey that's not fair. Cheney helped.

"And it seems to me that we probably erred in our assessment of the ability of these people to take on all of these tasks at the same time," he told the committee, meeting to consider his nomination.

Ah, blaming the Iraqis, now we're getting somewhere. Approve this guy!

Monday, January 29, 2007

(Not) Friday Hound Blogging

Yeah, we know it isn't Friday, but when we came across this story we decided the world couldn't wait a whole week for living examples of the old saying more money than brains.

If you're in to your greyhound racing but fancy something a little bit different from Friday nights in Romford, why not head to St Moritz in Switzerland next month?

First of all, if you're "in to" greyhound racing, you're probably lucky to get your brother in law (the one with a job) to give you a ride down to the local a Walmart to stock up on generic tomato soup, let alone get to St. Moritz, so these people are obviously not "real" fans because they apparently have money and shower regularly.

The event, known as the Gold Rush Dog Races, has taken on similar status in Switzerland to that of the Henley Regatta or Ascot, with it being seen as a fine social occasion and a chance to wear your best frock, over the top of your thermal underwear.

OK, if you say "frock" around a greyhound track people are just going to think you have a speech impediment, and most "real" greyhound race fans don't wear underwear, thermal or otherwise.

There you will be able to see racing greyhounds battling it out on the 500 metre snowy track.

Yeah. Greyhounds don't get injured enough racing on sand tracks that--supposedly--have been developed just for them. Let's put them in the snow and see what hilarity ensures!

Well, what the heck, if St Moritz can provide an opportunity for the idle rich to exploit dogs instead of, you know, doing something useful with their money, who are we to complain? After all, what's a broken leg or two if it gives them an hour or two to forget that they are basically a waste of protein, right Starsky?

Starsky is friendly, affectionate, easy going, low key and playful at times. He likes to play with the other dogs in the yard. He gives kisses and puts his head in your lap for lots of attention. He likes to sleep with a stuffed rabbit and he keeps it with him most of the time. He likes to wear a hat. He is a great dog. Starsky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 10 and up. He does well with other dogs, and would be okay as an only dog if the family with play with him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

It must be tough being an overlord sometimes. We mean, you get into the business thinking you're going to ride the units' backs all the way to easy street and 20 years later you're still living in a trailer park and eating Dinty Moore canned beef stew.

We would suspect this begins flavor your outlook on a lot of things after a while, which might explain why anyone could think this was a news story:

The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track has spent the past month gearing up for season by undergoing several cosmetic improvements.

Most of the improvements had to do with fresh paint.

Yes, folks they applied a fresh coat of paint a couple of places, and that, in overlord world, is cause for thirty point headlines.

“We really didn’t do all that much — just some sprucing up for season,” Larry Baldwin, the track’s general manager said. “We try to do things like this every year. "Last year we replaced that toilet that's been missing from the ladies room since 1986. Next year we plan to open a rest room for men because that tree out there is really looking poorly."

“I only come here about once a year,” said Donna Wiltse, 73, of Au Gres, Mich. “I do like the shrubs and flowers on the infield. Especially when I think the money I lost here was what they used to buy them.”

Jim and Gregory Kolioupoulos of Clinton Township, Mich., also liked what they saw.
“The flowers and stuff makes it more attractive,” said Gregory Kolioupoulos. "Almost makes me forget I"m losing my rent money two dollars at a time."

Baldwin called the improvements minor, but hopes the work has a positive effect on people coming to the track. "We want people to leave here rested after they've lost their social security money for the month."

Yeah. And we bet you enjoyed the restful scene too as you were running for the man, huh buddy?

Buddy is really laid back, quiet, and easy going. He is a prefect gentleman. He knows many general commands. He likes attention and bonds quickly with is family. He will put his face in your lap for pets. He loves to chew on raw hides. Buddy has been in a home for over 7 ½ years and was returned after the family had a baby and they were concerned the baby would stress him. He has done very well in his foster home from the start. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: Bongo would do best in a home with another average to larger size dog to keep him company, as he tends to be vocal when left alone. For that reason, he needs a single family home with someone home more often. He is good with well-mannered children, ages 5 and up. He would okay, as an only dog if someone were home more often to give him attention.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Senator Hagel, The Vice President Would Like To See You Out Back. Please Come Alone

OK, so you're the president and you're beginning to get the impression that maybe you're not so well liked. Even Barney leaves the room when you come in. But heck, you think, now that the democtats have won the election it's to be expected. Besides, what can they do? Pass a resolution? Big deal, you don't even read most of the laws you sign, who cares about a resolution.

Then one evening you're in the den flipping around the dial looking for the cartoon network and you run across this.

"Well, all I would do is point to the last four years -- are things better in the Middle East today? No, they're more dangerous today in the Middle East than they've ever been. I challenge anyone to question that," Senator Chuck Hagel (R-Backbone) said in an emotional statement. "We hear that from our panelists every day we have hearings. Whether it's Iran, whether it's Lebanon, whether it's Syria, whether it's Iraq, it is far more dangerous than we've ever seen."Hagel went even further by acknowledging what most thinking Americans already understand -- that Team Bush's actions have ruined any standing we once had in that region of the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah you think, more democrat fizzle, but Laura says, "Hey pookins, (she always calls you pookins after three or four Manhattans. You suspect it's because she forgets your name) isn't he one of ours?"

You peer closely at the crawl across the bottom of the screen, trying to read as fast as it moves. "Sen...a...tor...Ch...Ch...Chuck...Ha...gel...Re...Re...Repub....Republican! Dang!"

"We have totally destroyed our standing and reputation and influence in the Middle East, by what we're doing," said Hagel. "And the more we sink down into this bog, the harder it is to get out of and the more enemies we make."

"He can't talk like that," you say to Laura, but she's left to make another pitcher of Manhattans. "Doesn't he know I'm the Decider? Doesn't he know I listen to my generals? Well, until they say something I don't want to hear, but that's beside the point. Doesn't he know I have Cheney's private cellphone number?"

What a cruel blow it is, when the most principled man in a democrat Congress is a member of your own party. "What has happened to Republicans? you wonder. Where have the days of shock and awe gone? It was so simple back then. If you didn't like a country, you blew it up. If you didn't like a law, you ignored it.

By now Laura has returned with a fresh pitcher of Manhattans. You ask her to pour you one and pass the bowl of pretzels. "When's our next vacation?" you ask.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

My Fellow Americans, I Come Before You Tonight To Say Reality Is Harshing My Mellow

When asked by reporters what the best part of the SOTUS was going to be, White House Spokesman Tony Snowjob replied, "You know, it's difficult to say. It's like looking in a drawer full of diamonds."

Hahahahahahahaha!! That Tony Snowjob, what a card! Of course when you get most of your daily nutrition from a Scotch bottle, it's sort of expected that you'll say things like that from time to time.

Yet, in the great spirit of fair play and balanced discussion that are hallmarks of this blog we have to say he may have a point.

If by diamonds you mean dog turds. And not the fresh, squishy, stinky ones either, but the old, dry, wrinkled ones. You know the ones that sort of crumble? The ones the dogs don't even want to smell any more?

But we digress.

After sucking up to Speaker Pelosi--which was probably one of the smarter things he did. Think about it. A women his posse had described as "poisonous" was now standing behind him with a huge gavel. Sure, the vice president had his back, but he's old. Pelosi could probably have taken him out and still got the president before he could get off the podium. Anyway, after sucking up to her, the president turned his attention to the economy. He said the "economy is on the move." And it is. Up if you're rich and down if you're not.

Then came the part of the speech that impressed us the most. He called for a balanced budget and his head didn't explode, although we did seem some steam shoot out from behind his ears as the pressure release vents opened. Still, it's encouraging that a man who turned a 230 billion dollar surplus into an 8.6 trillion dollar debt finally figured out that the government and stuff. Especially if we're going to invade Iran. Come on, you can't expect the Iranians to pay for the war the way the Iraqis did.

It was around this time that the Stoli began to kick in so we sort of started drifting in and out, which, if you think about it, probably most of the Congress was doing as well.

The president may have said something about health insurance, or it could have been the pizza delivery boy. Something about a tax credit to buy health insurance, which sounds great...if you pay taxes.

Then the president said if we'll stop running our cars on gas, he'll stop invading middle eastern countries. Or something. Corn was mentioned for some reason.

Things really began to get fuzzy after that. Something about how our kids are smarter because we sent them to school in Afghanistan.

Then the president turned his attention to foreign policy. Or maybe it was a commercial. Anyway, somebody said, "Our military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options. We discussed every possible approach. In the end, I chose this course of action because New Orleans is pretty much saving. If you live there, move to Houston."

We must have fallen asleep after that because the next thing we remember was the Daily Show. Or maybe we had been watching that all along.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

When Cheney Reaches Into His Coat, You Better Be Applauding

Ah, SOTUS day and the question of everyone's lips is...will the liquor store deliver? This has become a sort of unofficial holiday around the marbled halls of IM Central and this year is no exception. Well, except for the fact that we are going to forgo the drinking games this year and just start doing shots as soon as the Escalator opens his mouth. That way as the speech goes on the logic of the president's positions becomes more clear to us. We like to think of it as policy beer goggles, if you follow our drift.

So what does a man who is so disliked by the nation only people who can't read check yes when asked if they support him have to say to us?

president Bush, weakened by his party's loss of power in Congress, will use his annual State of the Union speech tonight to defend his conduct of the war on terrorism and to press for energy and health initiatives. "We figure short of invading Iran we've pretty much screwed up the middle east as much as we're going to," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "The president has decided it's time to turn his attention to domestic matters."

Iraq will figure in Bush's speech to a joint session of Congress at 9 p.m. Washington time. The president's aides say he doesn't plan to restate the case he made two weeks ago in announcing his latest version of the same strategy for the war. He will focus instead on arguing for steadfastness in fighting "And I just want the democracts to know, in case they're planning anything 'spontaneous' when the president mentions Iraq that the vice president will be armed," Snowjob added.

Bush intends to put a spotlight on areas -- health care, energy and the budget -- where his aides say the public wants action. "If you liked what we did in Baghdad, you'll love what we'll do to social security," said one White House aide.

"It's important to emphasize the areas where you can work together,'' White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're not going to do that, but it is important."

With Bush's approval rating at or near record lows in polls, Democrats and even some Republicans -- particularly those facing re-election next year -- have shown little sign of willingness to step in line behind the president. "I'd just like to reiterate for those Republicans considering sitting on the democratic side tonight, that the vice president will be armed," Snowjob told reporters.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Don't Make Us Hold Our Breath Until We Pass Out

Ah, elections, those regularly scheduled bloodless revolutions every democratic society engages in, where the voice of the people replaces bombs and bullets, and the direction of a country is changed by the flick of a lever rather than the clash of armies. And who emerges from this semi-yearly exercise in mob rule? Leaders that's who. Leaders who the people call out to for strength, wisdom and the courage to bring this country out of the darkness.

Unfortunately, this time we got democrats. Hey, nobody said the system was perfect.

Two leading Senate Democrats are seeking to dispel concerns that a nonbinding resolution on Iraq doesn't go far enough, saying it would make a strong statement to president Bush that a troop increase is wrong. "He didn't listen to the Intelligence Services; he didn't listen to his generals; he didn't listen to just about everyone his father could get to figure a way for him to get out of this mess; and he didn't listen to the voters. But he'll listen now because we wrote the resolution in all caps," said Michigan Senator Carl Levin.

The proposal is completely toothless and would have no effect on money for troops. It states that "it is not in the national interest of the United States to deepen its military involvement in Iraq, particularly by escalating the United States military force presence in Iraq, and if you go ahead with this you're a big poopy head and we won't sit with you at lunch."

"It will be a very powerful message if a bipartisan majority of the Congress say that they disagree with the increased military involvement in Iraq," said Levin.

"Ah, we stopped listening to the Congress three years ago," countered White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "We just need them to sign the checks and they can get back to their golf games."

Division over whether Democrats should push a stronger measure could spell defeat for the resolution, Levin cautioned. "Lord knows we don't want to do anything that might actually affect the president's policies. He'll send Cheney back up here. That guy's whack."

Bush, meanwhile, says in a new interview that the best way to convince skeptics "that this makes sense is to ignore them and pretend that it works. That makes it consistent with my other policies."

Asked in an interview whether Iraq would be a problem after he leaves office in January 2009, (which is 710 days away, but who's counting?) Bush said: "My war on terror will be a problem for the world. Presidents after me will be confronting ... an enemy that would like to strike the United States again, especially after all I've done to tick them off these last few years."

Bush is expected to address the Iraq war in his State of the Union speech Tuesday and renew his calls to work together with Democrats on a bipartisan way to do what he wants. "Well, if by 'democrats' you mean Joe Lieberman," Snowjob said.

Biden said despite other proposals that might actually accomplish something, there was overwhelming bipartisan support in Congress to take the easy way out. "Congress has to do what it does best," Biden said.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so life didn't quite turn out the way you expected. You were an average kid, wanted to be a cowboy, or an astronaut or something, but then you found out that tkaes...uh...talent and brains. So you thought, what the heck, you'll become an overlord. The dogs do all the work, and you just cash the checks. What could go wrong?

Well, there is that whole, nobody comes to the track anymore thing.

Dog and horse racing could be on their last legs in Kansas, according to a report to a Senate committee. "The best word to describe the state of that industry is 'grim,' " Stephen Martino, executive director of the Kansas Racing and Gaming Commission, told the Senate Federal and State Affairs Committee. "Well, pointless, hopeless, inefficacious, worthless, shoddy, tawdry, nugatory, and pathetic are good words too, but I'm just giving you the overview here."

The decline meshes into the long-running debate over whether to allow slot-machine gambling at the tracks. Martino said the racing industry is thriving in Arkansas, Florida, Rhode Island, West Virginia and Iowa, where slot machines are allowed at the tracks. "OK, technically, the racing industry is still dying in those states because people are spending their money on the slots, not the racing, but at least it's keeping the owners off welfare."

State Senator Phil Journey said, "I think it's incumbent on the (racetrack) management to promote their businesses and do what they can to increase their revenue."

"Sir, those people don't know what 'incumbent' means," Martino responded.

Martino said that revenue has decreased so much that the tax income from wagering on racing no longer covers the state's cost of regulating the industry. He projected a deficit of $962,000 in 2008. "That's a heck of a lot of two dollar bets," he added.

Abilene is home to the Greyhound Hall of Fame, and according to Martino's report, Dickinson County alone is home to 60 greyhound farms and 23,000 greyhounds."I think people have kind of lost sight of that," Senate Minority Leader Anthony Hensley said. "I mean, if we can't exploit the greyhounds, what will we do with them?

Got any suggestions, Cookie?

Santa Fe Cuyler AKA “Cookie” monster is sweet, quiet, sensitive, and loving. He is a shy boy who is seeks attention from his foster family, but is slow to trust new people. He loves to walk and his foster dad says he will walk with you “forever” if you can keep going. Cookie is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Cookie would do well in a working family home with another average to larger size dog to help build his confidence. He would probably be good with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He needs a patient family that will show him love and affection, allowing him to blossom. He would make a good watch dog, as he barks at strangers. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: He is much more confident. He is not afraid of loud noises. Bongo is a very curious dog; his nose is into everything. He tends to “counter-surf” and his foster mom is working on correcting this. He’s doing less “counter-surfing” Even though he is a tall boy and can reach the table, he is getting better with his table manners. He knows “wait”, “NO” and “leave it.” He has become the attention hound and always wants to be near his foster mom.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

It's Only Offensive If You're Not White

Whoa. Just when we thought Kansas was inching ahead in the race back to the 19th century, here comes Virginia (Motto: We're just like Kansas, but without the class).

Virginia State Representative Frank D. Hargrove Sr., R-Whiteyville was quoted as saying that asking the state to apologize for slavery would be akin to asking Jews to apologize for killing Christ. "Look," he explained. "Most o' the darkies that come over here was well treated by their masters, but them Hebes, they killed the lord."

Representative David L. Englin, D-Shlemazl, who is Jewish, took Hargrove to task for "inflammatory" comments. "Hey, if he wants to tick off the Negroes, that's one thing, but if he messes with me he may suddenly find the mortgage on his house has come due. Just saying."

Hargrove told Englin who's also his seatmate, that "your skin was a little too thin, but that's just the way it is with you people, right beanie boy?"

Black legislators also denounced his comments on a proposed state apology for slavery. "When somebody tells me that I should just get over slavery, I can only express my emotion by suggesting that there is a serious can o' whupass about to be opened up in here," said Representative Dwight Clinton Jones, chairman of the Legislative Black Caucus.

"Quiet down Rufus," Hanover said. "I'll deal with you after I'm done with big nose here."

Hargrove tried to explain his comments, saying nobody respected slavery or would ever advocate its return. "Heck, we got the beaners for that now anyway."

This is the most recent insensitive oral misstep made by a Virginia politician. In August, then-U.S. Sen. George Allen referred to a Virginia-born man of Indian descent volunteering for his opponent's campaign as "macaca," considered a racial slur in many cultures. "Yeah, macaca's good, but where's the followup?" Hanover asked. "Allen was a one trick pony. After macaca he had nothing."

Last month, U.S. Rep. Virgil H. Goode Jr., R-Mein Kampf, complained that the first Muslim member of Congress would take his oath with the Quran and warned of a possible Muslim takeover of the chambers. "Too diffuse," Hanover complained. "When you insult an entire race you really lose your focus on the individual. That's why I like sitting next to my colleague Joe Matzoh Ball here, Right Joe?"

House Majority Leader H. Morgan Griffith, R-Apologetica, said, "I can see how people would be offended. But knowing Frank, I know he didn't mean anything. I mean come on, the guy's only got a sixth grade education, plus he's drunk most of the time."

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Tancredo in 08. Why Do You Think They Call It the "White" House?

Whew! We were worried there for a second when we heard the Barack Obama had announced he was running for president (Slogan: Obama in 08. Who Needs Experience?). We thought, wow, a man running for president based on the fact that the media likes mean a black man running for president based on the fact that the media likes him. Well, they like his clothes and his middle name. OK, they don't, but who cares? He's black! Welcome to the American Enlightenment. Well, sort of.

"I am considering this campaign because of my commitment to the voices in my head, to the white citizens of the United States, and to my good friend and mentor, Strom Thurmond," Republican Representative Tom Tancredo of Colorado said. When a reporter mentioned that the president has responsibilities that go beyond a single issue, Tancredo responded that he "could get people for that stuff."

Tancredo has been a leading voice in Congress against proposals for rational immigration policies, integration, mixed marriages and drinking fountains open to whites and blacks. He recently generated controversy by saying Miami resembled a third world country. "I meant that in a good way," he told reporters.

Tancredo visited the early caucus state of Iowa during the weekend. "Look at all these white people," he remarked at a rally. "I feel really at home here." None of the presidential candidates, he said, "reflects the grass roots, majority belief I have that the south should have won the civil war."

Tancredo said republican leaders had abandoned their racist principles and paid the price in November, when they lost control of Congress to democrats. When asked if he thought the war in Iraq might have also had something to do with republican losses he said, "War? What war?"

Monday, January 15, 2007

Is It Hot In Here, Or Are You Just Stupid?

Last week we mentioned that certain events, ie: the resurgence of the reality based community in Kansas had us worried about the possible renaming of this blog to ironicus minimus.

Turns out we needn't have worried.

The school board in a Seattle suburb has restricted showings of Al Gore's movie on global warming, including requiring that it be balanced with a wildly irrational opposing viewpoint. "We understand it's going to be hard to find a spokesidiot, given that almost anyone who knows anything about it says global warming is real, so we're hoping to get Michael Crichton to come," said board President Ed Barney.

When it was pointed out that Michael Crichton is a writer not a scientist and his book was fiction, not science Barney responded that he was aware of that, but "the kids won't know the difference, and it'll shut the parents up."

The decision was sparked by complaints from parents who said their children were concerned about their future after viewing it at school. "It's the parents' responsibility to tell the kids what facts are," said parent Elmer Dillard. "Not those eggheads in that Gore movie."

"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore," said Frosty Hardison, a parent. When asked why anyone named "Frosty" should be taken seriously, Ms. Hardison replied that her name didn't matter, as she was trying to protect her children, Sparkles and Dimple.

Asked to explain the connection between condoms and global warming, Ms. Hardison replied that there wasn't one. "It's just that sex thing scares me," she told reporters. "Especially with Sparkles, the little slut. Nine years old and already wearing make up."

"We have to ensure that our schools are not being used to politically indoctrinate anyone," said board member Dave Larson, "Well, unless it's political indoctrination we agree with that is." When told that global warming was a scientific issue, not a political one, Mr. Larson replied that he was pretty sure Gore was a democrat.

None has seen the movie. But district policy requires that an opposing view be aired whenever an issue is examined in school that might cause the students to question the status quo. "I am shocked that a school district would come to this decision," Laurie David, a producer of the film, said. "I'm going to write to the Board. Where in Kansas did you say it was?"

Friday, January 12, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Finally, some good news for the overlords. Arizona's gaming industry remains healthy, fueled by newcomers to the state, American Indian casinos and state lottery sales, according to the 2006-2007 North American Gaming Almanac.

Oh yeah baby! No more generic toilet paper for them! They may even be able to get screens for the windows. How much money does the article say they're going to get?

The horse and greyhound racing industries are slowly being left in the dust, the almanac reports.

Right On! Looks like easy street...wait a minute...what?

When it comes to Arizona's pari-mutuel revenues — money from greyhound, horse tracks and sports betting — the industries revenues are on the decline, said Brad Polan, industry analyst and lead researcher for the Almanac. "We're not sure if it's due to a decline in the number of people without teeth, or an increase in people who have an education beyond the sixth grade that's causing this."

"The pari-mutuel industry has stayed relatively stable in Arizona," Polan said. "But it looks like there has been a negative effect on the pari-mutuel sector." When asked how the industry could stay "stable" when it is undergoing a "negative effect" Polan said he wasn't sure because he had failed algebra in ninth grade.

Hmmm...Staying the same, but going backwards. Actually, that's not a bad description of the industry, huh Silver?

Silver is happy, friendly, outgoing, playful, confident and loving. He loves all the attention he can get. He enjoys running in the yard. Silver is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Silver would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other average to larger size dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: Bongo is very sweet and loving. He follows the Foster Mom all around the house and pushes his way in between other 2 greys in house for all the attention. He loves to look at himself in the mirror and throws his toys all around the house when he plays. He loves his squeaky toys. His foster mom is training him to sit and he’s ½ way there. He is very pretty and lovable. He jumps up and catches a toy and he likes to play tug-of-war. He’s always looking for squirrels in the yard and in the backfield. He will catch toys if you throw them up in the air.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

If We Are All Descended From Apes, Why Are There Still Politicians?

We're coming to you today from the Ominous Portents Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We say ominous because, on the heels of the last election (Reality won, 5 -4 in overtime) we read that Kansas (Motto: We're not apes. Yes we are. No we're not. LALALALA I can't hear you) has returned to the twentieth century. A sudden reconnection with rationality in this country does not bode well for this blog.

Now controlled by sensible human beings, the Kansas Board of Education wasted little time in beginning the repeal of science curriculum standards written by the ladies auxiliary at the First Church of Christ the Chemist. Reformed. "You think the stuff on evolution was bad," said a Board spokesperson, "You should have seen what they were planning for gravity."

But try as they might, board members aren’t likely to end Kansas’ long-lived debate over what to teach children about the origins of human life. Even as the board’s majority agreed to revisit the debate, residents with temporary visas to reality urged the board to leave the standards alone. “Evolution as it’s taught today is bad science,” said Doug Kaufman of Leavenworth. “It’s unprovable.”

When it was explained to Mr. Kaufman that science wasn't designed to be "provable," he replied, "You can't prove that."

The proposed changes would strip out language critical of evolution as well as a definition of science that would allow supernatural explanations. "We didn't think the Holy Ghost was an appropriate scientific role model," said board member Janet Waugh of Kansas City.

Supporters of the current standards repeated their argument that evolution is uncomfortable to them and that it can bias children against accepting things without question. "We have got to get over this obsession with teaching children to think," said Mr. Kaufman. "Nobody ever taught me to think, and I turned out just fine."

This will be the second time moderates on the board have acted to repeal standards passed by conservatives that cast doubt on evolution. "Yeah. We were hoping to get the Apocalypse in before this election," said Mr. Kaufman.

The board also discussed tactics for combating teacher shortages.

"Teacher shortages?" No why on earth would a teacher, particularly a science teacher, not want to work in Kansas?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You Say You Want An Escalation, Well You Know We Don't Want To Wreck The World*

Boy Howdy! are we excited about the president's speech tonight, and not just for the opportunities for drinking games, although now that we think of it, since everyone already knows what he's going to say, there really isn't much other reason to listen to it.

president Bush will tell a nation weary of him that he is sending 21,500 more Americans to Iraq arguing it has been a mistake not to commit larger numbers of U.S and Iraqi troops to futility in the increasingly violent, shattered country. "Seems like if you want to win a war, you have to have more guys than the other side," the president told reporters at a briefing. "Who knew?"

Delivering yet another speech totally disconnected from this time space continuum, the president will acknowledge in unusually stark terms given to him by the focus groups how dire the situation is — because of errors in his assumptions and failures by him to follow through on promises. "Look, we've screwed the pooch on this since day one, but trust us, this time we've finally got it down," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

The U.S. is changing its goals, switching from a focus on totally unrealistic, incredibly naive, and generally idiotic outcomes, to merely hanging on until someone else gets elected president. "That's our personal exit strategy," said a White House spokesperson.

Iraqis, meanwhile, will be expected to meet totally unrealistic, incredibly naive, and generally idiotic outcomes. "The Iraqis have to step up," White House counselor Dan Bartlett said. "We've coddled them long enough. Why did you know the power is on in Baghdad for almost four hours a day now? Well, except on weekends."

Bartlett said that the rules of the past, where U.S. forces in Baghdad were handcuffed by political interference must end. "Politicians must not be allowed to fight wars," he said "The lives of our brave soldiers must never take second place to political concerns, and our military must never be committed for any but the most critical of reasons. To do otherwise is a direct affront to the bravery, commitment and sense of duty of our armed forces..." at this point vice president Cheney ended the press briefing.

Bush was told to acknowledge a long and worsened list of problems in Iraq: the government capabilities still are limited, sectarian divisions have widened, members of Iraqi security forces are contributing to the violence and suffer from high absenteeism, the pitched fighting in Baghdad between Shiites and Sunnis has gotten worse and is influencing the rest of the country, essential services still are lacking, Iraqi support for the U.S. is declining, and Iraqis — while committed to a unified Iraq — are increasingly turning from the central government to pursue more narrow sectarian agendas to hedge their bets. "Yeesh. You blow up a guy's country and suddenly he's all like 'chaos! chaos!'" Snowjob said. "What I want to know is where's the thanks for getting those schools painted?"

The president is arguing that a gradual increase in U.S. troops, along with pumping $1 billion into Iraq's economy, is the answer to the question of how to avoid taking responsibility for the biggest foreign policy fiasco since muslims were allowed to enter the country. "We're talking about my self esteem here," the president told reporters.

His justification rests in part on new confidence that al-Maliki is better able to follow through on promises of the kind that have been made before and never kept. When asked what was different now in regards to al-Maliki's credibility the president replied "I got a sense of his soul when I looked into his eyes. We're meeting later at the Back Door Pub."

Bush also will urge Americans to see success in Iraq as imperative to their future security. "If our enemies think we're stupid enough to go traipsing off all over the world spreading death and destruction for no rational reason, they'll leave us alone," Snowjob told reporters. "Aren't you afraid of psychotics? Well, expand that out until it becomes a foreign policy."

The president's address is the centerpiece of an aggressive public relations campaign that also includes detailed briefings for lawmakers and reporters and a series of appearances by Bush starting with a trip Thursday to Fort Benning, Ga. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "She's actually the only one besides my dog and Laura who support me, the president said. "I think she's got a thing for me, which would be cool, except she's a darky."

Crafting the new policy took the president nearly three months. Relevant agencies conducted reviews, outside experts were called in, and the president consulted several times with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and other prominent Iraqi leaders. Then Bush decided to ignore them all and do what he wanted. "I'm used to getting my way," he told reporters. "Or at least having my daddy get it for me."

*Apologies to John and Paul

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

That Better Be A Dead Body In Your Freezer

See, here's the difference between democrats and republicans. When the republicans are crooked, they use the money to buy yachts, big houses, go on golf trips in Europe and buy expensive art. When the democrats are crooked, they stuff the money in their freezer. This is why the people in Jefferson's district re-elected him. "It's obvious he needs more time to get this graft thing down," said a Jefferson supporter who asked not to be identified because of outstanding warrants.

In a political comeback that's astounding even by republican standards, Representative William Jefferson (D- KoolKash) began his ninth term in office last week trying to mend fences with fellow Democrats intent on cleaning up Congress. "Anybody need a loan?" Jefferson asked at a meeting of democratic leaders. "I've got cash and good rates."

"It's great to have people trust you enough to send you back," Jefferson said. "It also helps that they're dumb as a box of rocks."

Jefferson's re-election has not been celebrated by many House Democratic leaders. New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Ain't Yo Momma, stripped Jefferson of his Ways and Means Committee seat last year and instead offered him an olive branch in the form of a less prestigious seat on the Parking Assignments Committee. "That Committee doesn't meet very often," she said. "So he can probably continue to Chair it from his cell."

Pelosi promised that the Democratic Congress will usher in the "toughest congressional reform in history. To begin with, stand alone freezer size will be strictly limited."

Representative Gene Taylor, a conservative Democrat from Mississippi who once considered Pelosi too female for his support, now praises the Democratic leader for her very tough stance with regards to Bill Jefferson. "I heard she wanted to shoot the guy," he said. "But then she figured the Parking Committee would be worse."

Jefferson, however, is no political pariah among most members of the Congressional Black Caucus, who are still chafing over what they view as unfair treatment by Pelosi. "We're still down with the brotha," said one member who asked not to be named, but did request a shout out to "all my dawgs in the hood."

Jefferson said he was treated sympathetically by Representatives Charlie Melancon, D-KashOnly, and Jim McCrery, R-KashOut, after the bribery scandal which he refers to as "this little illegality" broke last year. "Both offered me space in their safe deposit boxes for anything the FBI didn't get," Jefferson said.

But there may be new tensions in the delegation, especially between Jefferson and Senator Mary Landrieu, a fellow New Orleans democrat who's expected to have a tough re-election race in 2008. Jefferson's press secretary, Melanie Roussell, hinted that Landrieu may have lost some of her support in New Orleans by failing to support Jefferson. "She certainly will have trouble holding on to the gangsta vote," Roussell said.

While democratic leaders in Washington and supporters in New Orleans await the outcome, Jefferson said he plans to make the best of his seat on the Parking Assignment Committee. "I'd just like to say to any of my constituents in New Orlean who still have cars, if you ever come to Washington, I'll see you get a place to park. If I"m not in jail by then that is."

Monday, January 08, 2007

What We Want To Know Is, Will He Correct Spelling And Grammar?

We really need to pay more attention. Our first thought when reading this was, you mean people still get letters through the mail? Like, on paper and stuff? Man, that's pretty old school.

A signing statement attached to postal legislation by president Bush may have opened the way for the government to open mail without a warrant. The White House denies any change in policy. "Our policy has always been to get away with as much as we could," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "This just formalizes the process a little."

When he signed the postal reform act, Bush added a statement saying that his administration would construe that provision "in a manner consistent, to the maximum extent permissible, with the need to conduct searches in exigent circumstances." When asked to define what an "exigent circumstance" might be, Bush told reporters he was pretty sure it had something to do with democrats. "Either that or Cindy Sheehan," he said.

"The signing statement raises serious questions whether he is authorizing opening of mail contrary to the Constitution and to laws enacted by Congress," said Ann Beeson, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union. "What's your point?"asked Snowjob.

Postal Vice President Tom Day added: "As has been the long-standing practice, first-class mail is protected from unreasonable search and seizure when in postal custody. Nothing in the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act changes this protection. The president is not exerting any new authority. Well, unless you count the new authority he's given himself to open your mail without a warrant."

"His signing statement uses language that's broad," Beeson said, and noted that Bush used the phrase "exigent circumstances. The question is what does that mean and why has he suddenly put this in writing if this isn't a change in policy," she asked.

"Funny story there," Snowjob replied. "Turns out the president only found out last week that policies have to be written down somewhere. He's been doing this stuff for six years now. Just forgot to write it down. Hey, there's a war on you know. Guy's pretty busy presidenting."

Senator Susan Collins, who guided the measure through the Senate, called on Bush to clarify his intent. The bill, Collins said, "does nothing to alter the protections of privacy and civil liberties provided by the Constitution and other federal laws."

"Right," Snowjob replied. "Which is why the president added the part about how he gets to open your mail."

"The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 and our federal criminal rules require prior judicial approval before domestic sealed mail can be searched," Beeson said.

"Nah, the president dismissed the judicial branch back in 2003. It was a signing statement, didn't you read it?" Snowjob said.

"Every American wants foolproof protection against terrorism. But history has shown it can and should be done within the confines of the Constitution. This last-minute, irregular and unauthorized reinterpretation of a duly passed law is the exact type of maneuver that voters so resoundingly rejected in November," Senator Charles E. Schumer said.

"Yeah. The voters did gum up things a little this time," Snowjob said. "Our friends at Diebold tell us they'll have that corrected by next November though."

Bush has issued at least 750 signing statements during his presidency, more than all other presidents combined, according to the American Bar Association. "Well, it's a lot easier for him to write a paragraph saying he won't obey the law, that to have to read the whole thing," said a White House spokesperson."

Friday, January 05, 2007


Ha! You probably think we're just a bunch of slackers who drink too much and spend our days searching the internets for people to make fun of. Well, how wrong to you are.

OK, maybe you're not that wrong, but no matter because we are now privy to information concerning a top secret eyes only plan by the overlords to take back the teeth free, two dollar bet, social security trailer park crowd. Yes, folks, we're talking about the long awaited and much anticipated Greyhound Racing Industry (and Catering Service) Public Relations Campaign--known in the industry by the code name "Exanimate Ninnyhammer" and for your edification, enjoyment and general drinking pleasure we present the first three billboards in the campaign. The plan is to place these in the vicinity of senior rest homes, social services offices and hospitals.

Remember, you saw it on Ironicus, your 24/7 window on the world. If by 27/7 you mean when we're sober enough to see the keyboard, and if by window you mean whatever comes up on Google and if by world you mean between here and the liquor store.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hmmm...Looks like overlord logic is at it again. The simulcasting Band-Aid for the state's four pari-mutuel race tracks has been applied for the next two years, but the long-term cure for the racing industry is more complicated. "Well, if by complicated you mean hopeless, we'll yeah. It's pretty complicated," said state Representative David L. Flynn, D-Clueless who presented the bill passed by the Legislature.

The revised and approved bill granted Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Track four thoroughbred and four harness track signals a day, instead of two signals. "The more things we can have that aren't greyhound racing, the more likely it is someone will come out here," said Gary Temple, track manager, director of simulcasting, Parking manager, and head custodian at Raynham-Taunton.

“The tracks can't exist without the simulcast signals,” Flynn said. “But in the long term, the only way racing can survive is to have slot machines. When asked to explain how racing could only survive because of gambling that had nothing to do with racing, Flynn responded that it didn't make sense to him either, but "we have to do something to keep the tracks open because there aren't enough Walmarts to absorb the workers if they close."

“I've never been to a casino in my life,” Flynn said, “but I see buses leaving Brockton and going to Connecticut to have a little fun. Lord knows there isn't much fun in greyhound racing, especially if you're a greyhound. I mean, $2.00 bets? Where's the excitement in that? If you're going to lose your month's social security, why not do it all at once?"

Well, he might have a point there, huh Bonnie?

Bonnie is very sweet, happy, and loves attention. She will tuck herself right into you and loves to be held and touched. Her tail is always wags. She is easy going. She enjoys being outside and loves to go on walks. She will stand near you “forever” if you keep petting her. Bonnie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 6 and up. She is good with other average to larger dogs and is also good as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: Bongo came through his medical exams with flying colors and is now patiently waiting for someone to offer him a spot on their couch.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Ash Nazg Durbatulûk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul, Ash Nazg Thrakatulûk Agh Burzum-ishi Krimpatul.*

We're coming to you today from the "Where are they now" department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. You may remember a while back we visited the boys of Mordor to see what forward looking labor policies they had formulated. We found that lunch was a passe' concept. Well, it's been a while and we got to wondering what the mischievous merchants of mirth have been up to lately, so we dosed ourselves with holy water and cast our thoughts down Bentonville way (motto: Work Makes You Free).

Wal-Mart is set to shake up the lives of its 1.3 million workers with a staff scheduling system that is set to end predictable shift patterns. "Hey, if you work at Walmart what kind of life do you have?" said a spokesperson for the company. "If they're not here, most of our employees are home watching Jerry Springer reruns anyway."

The computerized system, called the “eviscerator”, is due to be implemented by the end of the year and allocates staff based on the number of customers in a store at any time. "Eventually we plan to have employees live in trailers out behind the store," said Lee Scott, Walmart president. "We scapped the idea of keeping them on leashes though."

The system alerts managers when a worker’s schedule is approaching full-time. This allows the company to scale back shifts to prevent part-time staff from winning permanent status and entitlement to higher wages and benefits. Scott confirmed that the software would keep the number of employees categorized as full time at a bare minimum. "How do you think we can offer such a good benefits package?' he asked. "Why, it's because no one qualifies for it, that's how."

The system is likely to demand increased flexibility from workers, leaving many “on call” and uncertain of what their next pay check would be. "You say that like it's a bad thing," a spokesperson who did not wish to be identified commented.

Wal-Mart said that the new system would cut lines and have a significant impact on customer satisfaction. A spokeswoman said that 70 per cent of customers reported better service under the system in one test last year. "Of course you have to understand that our customers don't expect much service anyway," the spokeswoman continued. "So the bar is set pretty low to begin with."

A spokesman said that Wal-Mart was not the first retailer to use the technology and added: “This goes on all the time in Bangladesh, Thailand, and other forward looking countries. We're just sorry repressive child labor laws in the United States are making us less competitive in the world market.”

* One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

You'd Better Sit Down For This One

Man. To be sure, we're still not...erm...firing on all cylinders as a result of the recent ChristoHanukkahKwanzaHoliFestivis Days, (and mad props to you Sol Invictus) so we're not quite sure which way the ironicus will flow from this little bit of preCongress foot stomping.

In a "Dear Colleague" letter circulated to fellow republicans, three House GOPers are trying to push a "Minority Bill of Rights" -- based on a two-year-old proposal by then-Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-HowUlikemenow).

OK, so has the ironicus reached maximus because the republicans are already whining about being treated like...ah...democrats, or will it become maximus when Nancy Pelosi acquires the Dennis Hastert Wrestling Singlet of Power and lays the smackdown back on the GOP?

Well, before we answer that we need to apologize for putting the image of Nancy Pelosi in a wrestling singlet in your head. And in our heads too. And that's...uh...that's a....OK let's go see what president Bush is up to.

president Bush, soon to announce an Iraq policy, er, change in Iraq policy...ah heck, who're we trying to kid...a policy,
will try to set a positive tone for dealing with the new democratic-controlled Congress, aides said. "The president plans to let democrats speak without raising their hands first, and to make eye contact with them."

Bush is to meet members of his Cabinet--as long as they promise not to say the "I" word--and then make a statement emphasizing his domestic priorities and pledging to work with both democrats and republicans during the remaining two years (which will seem like 20, but we digress) of his presidency, White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said. "And let me emphasize, that those rumors about the president thinking 'domestic priority' meant more maids were needed in the White House are completely unfounded."

Bush will host a White House reception for a dozen republican and democratic leaders of Congress, and their spouses, from both the House of Representatives and Senate. "And in the spirit of bipartisianship, we're going to let the democrats come in the front door this time," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

In an opinion article for The Wall Street Journal posted on its Web site, Bush said the change in the balance of power in Congress presented an opportunity to build a bipartisan consensus to fight and win the war in Iraq. Or at least increase the pool of people who can take the blame. When asked if the president had actually written the piece, Snowjob replied that the president had personally sought out the person who used to write all his papers for him in college "so we're about as close to having something Bush actually wrote as we're going to get."

Bush has been studying changes to his Iraq policy for weeks and is expected to announce his new plan as soon as next week. "You can tell your grandchildren you were in the room when the words 'Bush' and 'study' were used in the same sentence," Snowjob told reporters. "This is truly a historic day."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Merry Christmas To The Great Satan

Hmm..looks like the war on Christmas has gone global.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wished “all Christians happiness and prosperity on the occasion of the birth of the Christ,” according to an Iranian Student News Agency. “President Ahmadinejad’s Christmas greeting is nothing short of cynical,” said the Rev. Dr. Mr. Br. Fr. Keith Roderick, Christian Solidarity International Washington representative. "He's obviously using religion to further his political ends. That's just totally unacceptable to us, mainly because we don't need the competition."

Faith McDonnell, director of Religious Liberty Programs at The Institute on Religion & Democracy also found the Iranian president’s greeting “very troubling.” She is concerned that Ahmadinejad’s message will be misinterpreted – "See, if he’s a human being after all, greeting us Christians and talking about Jesus, how are we going to justfy blowing his country? And yes, Faith is my real name."

However, Dr. Ergun Caner, a former Muslim and current president of Liberty Theological Seminary in Virginia, explained that the Jesus Ahmadinejad spoke about is different than the Christian understanding of Jesus Christ. "See, their Christ is left handed."

Caner said there is a group of Muslims popular in Iran called the 12th Imam Shi’ites that believe Jesus never died, nor was he crucified but is instead living in seclusion on Tatoonie.

Ahmadinejad is known for his outspoken criticism of the Bush administration, denial of the holocaust, being a Yankees fan and for continuing the country’s uranium enrichment which he denies is for development of nuclear weapons. "Right. And then he goes and wishes us all a merry Christmas," said Roderick. "Jesus wouldn't pursue nuclear weapons after America told him not to. And not only that, everybody knows Christ is a Cubs fan."