Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, as one of our favorite contemporary philosophers and all around raconteurs says, "Rut Ro." Looks like the governor of Florida has stepped into a deep ole' pool of trouble. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pari-mutuel.

Shortly after Governor Charlie Crist dealt Florida pari-mutuels a bust card by approving a deal that will allow Indian casinos to install Las Vegas style slots and card games at their seven casinos, overlord Izzy Havenick — one of the owners of the Naples Fort Myers Greyhound Track said the fight is just beginning. "We're planning on a big demonstration in front of the capitol," Havenick said. "What is the capital of Florida anyway?"

House Speaker and overlord puppet Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, challenged Crist's gambling compact with the Seminole Tribe of Florida. "We give the injuns slots. What's next? We give them back the Everglades? Where does it stop, that's all I want to know," said Rubio.

"Focus, Rubio, focus." Havenick said. "You're trying to keep us from having to get jobs."

"Right. Why should these so called Native Americans not have to work while real Americans like my friend Igor here have to engage in productive labor?"

"The name's Izzy."

"Right. Iggy."

Rubio asked justices to void the compact, which would allow the tribe to offer blackjack and other high-stakes games in exchange for hundreds of millions of dollars that Crist wants to spend on education. "Dropping out of school in the third grade didn't hurt my friend Ike at all. It should be good enough for the rest of the children in the state too."

"My name is Izzy, you bonehead."

By getting Crist to agree to the compact, Jim Allen, the CEO and president of Seminole Gaming, says Immokalee would reap the benefits of increased gaming. "You know, things like drug use, crime, low wage dead end jobs, all the things progressive communities look for."

"We've already got that out at the track, " Havenick countered."

The deal immediately came under fire from ranking members of the state Legislature, including some in Crist's own Republican party. "Where's our cut?" said one legislative aide. "This is just another example of the white guy getting screwed again."

"I have to be honest, it's worse than we thought," Havenick said. "It's a bad deal for the pari-mutuel industry, the people who work here and the state of Florida. Not to mention that the Walmart closest to my house isn't hiring."

Hey, maybe he could get a job at the casino. What do you think Okie?

Okie is playful and puppy-like. He is comical and curious. He wants to be near his family to see what they are doing. He is very affectionate and will compete for attention with the family grey. He likes to play with toys and likes his squeaky ball. He is vocal for a greyhound and will whine when he wants something. Okie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog with a family that will interact with him often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hey, Jesus Was Jewish After All

Ah, christians. Love thy unto others...don't covet thy neighbor's SUV...get your holy swag from sweatshops.

Crucifixes marketed in the United States by a Christian retail group are made in a Chinese sweatshop with working conditions that are appalling even by Chinese legal standards, according to a report by a U.S. human rights organization. "In our defense I feel compelled to point out that most of the people who work in these factories are not christians," said Association for Christian Retail media relations person, Nancy Guthrie.

The conditions include 100-hour, seven-day work weeks, mandatory overtime and wages as low as nine cents an hour, according to the report, issued by the National Labor Committee (NLC). "Yeah, but nine cents Chinese money is $4.37 American," said Guthrie.

Association for Christian Retail (ACR) issued this statement: "While we occasionally hear this issue raised, and believe there are factories in China where human rights are violated, we believe claims that products sold through CBA (Christian Book Association) member stores are made in these shops are irresponsible and unfounded. Besides, nobody gets upset when Walmart does it."

When asked if ACR had any proof to back up their belief, a spokesperson replied, "Hey, we're christians. You think we'd lie or something. See, here's another case of religious discrimination. The christians in this country are being systematically marginalized by christmas hating liberal...oh look, a missing white woman!"

The statement also said ACR had "assurances" from their suppliers in China that the allegations were false. "Well, we took them as assurances, but since they don't speak English and we don't speak Chinese we could be wrong." Guthrie said.

The media relations person at Family Christian Stores in Grand Rapids was unaware of the report and said a company representative would return the call. No one called back. "Oh, did you mean today? asked the spokesperson? "Sorry. Been at bible study all afternoon."

Christian merchandising is a lucrative and growing segment of the retail market, a multibillion-dollar-a-year industry that markets everything from Bibles to keychains to the ubiquitous "What Would Jesus Do" stickers.

Hmmm...What would Jesus do?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Oh, And That Tom Tancredo Guy? Kills 'Em At Mis Quince

We're going to stop reading MSM treeware when we're sober. At least after an infusion of Stoli we can convince ourselves that the prose puddle of horse pee we're wading through is the product of our own over lubricated imagination and not the unintended comic stylings of some...erm...professional journalist.

Exhibit A, the opening line: "Mitt Romney tells good jokes."

Well shoot, let's just cancel the election and put that jocular jokester in the White House right now. What the heck, a stand up comic replaces a clown. What can go wrong?

Oh wait, our intrepid interlocutor is not knocked askew by the Mittster's folksy charm:
His platform seemed sound enough analytically – until he demonstrated an aggravating hypocrisy in his reply to my query on one of his key foreign policy positions.
Dad gum that pesky hyprocrisy always getting in the way of sound platforms. On the flip side though, how would we get a Muslim in government now that we've ticked off practically every Muslim there is. Can you imagine that job interview. "OK Mr. Abdul, we're going to ask you a few questions, but no you don't have to be tied up and wear a hood."
I asked Mr. Romney whether he would consider including qualified Americans of the Islamic faith in his cabinet as advisers on national security matters, given his position that "jihadism" is the principal foreign policy threat facing America today. He answered, "…I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified. But of course, I would imagine that Muslims could serve at lower levels of my administration. Hey, somebody's got to refresh my coffee at Cabinet meetings."
Um...was that one of the "good jokes?" Just asking.
Romney, whose Mormon faith has become the subject of heated debate in Republican caucuses, wants America to be blind to his religious beliefs and judge him on merit instead. Yet he seems to accept excluding Muslims because of their religion.
So? Mormons may do some weird things like strapping their dogs to the tops of their cars, or changing their minds every fifteen seconds, but at least it's a white religion. Them Muslims is brown, man. You hear us? Brown.
I am an American-born citizen of the Islamic faith. I stand as a living symbol of all that America offers in its system of liberty, justice, and, most of all, opportunity. I am also proud of my Muslim heritage and beliefs, and, true to the American work ethic, I have worked tirelessly to raise up the voices of disaffected Muslims everywhere and help them, too, share in America's promise.
Oh. Hey listen guy, no offense. Wait a minute, didn't you say you thought Romney's policies were sound?
If Romney wins the White House, he will probably rely on those who know Mormonism best to help him explain it to those who distrust it most. It is time for him to reconsider his views on who should help America craft the right policies that attack the scourge on civilization that Islamic extremism has become.
Meh. We're not so sure. There's just as good a chance if Romney gets elected we'll all be forced to marry six times and our pets will be not be allowed to ride on the inside of our cars. Oh, and there's the underwear thing, well for those of us who wear underwear anyway.
Imagine how a qualified American Muslim FBI director, sensitized to the genuine concerns among Arab and Muslim communities about civil rights violations, would be able to ensure that FBI actions and policies target the real bad guys, not communities as a whole.
Imagine how a qualified American Muslim FBI director would get shot the first time he tried to come into the White House for a meeting.
Imagine how an American Muslim CIA director or defense secretary whose understanding of cultural differences in places that breed Islamist violence would ensure that intelligence was not biased by bigotry or lack of understanding and that defense strategies were constructed on data acquired from authentic sources.
Imagine how an American Muslim CIA director or defense secretary would feel when they showed up for their confirmation hearings and were strip searched.
Romney and other candidates for the presidency from both political parties, should actively begin searching for American Muslims and Arab Americans who can serve in primary decision making cabinet level posts. To do otherwise is to risk promulgating policies that once again put the US straight in the sights of the terrorists who seek to bring America down.
Oh, wait. We think we see your problem. You think the republicans don't want the policies they have now.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Monday, November 26, 2007

Nice Country You Got Here. Be A Shame If Something Happened To It

Well, well well, it looks like even if the Iraqis did stand up, we'd push them back into their chair and say "Whoa mister. Just where do you think you're a going without old Uncle Sam a telling ya it's OK. "

Or something folksy like that. Sort of takes the sting out of the M-16 we have pointed at their heads.

Iraq's government, seeking protection against foreign threats and internal coups, will offer the U.S. a long-term troop presence in Iraq in return for U.S. security guarantees as part of a strategic partnership, two Iraqi officials said, as Bush's advisor on the Iraq war adviser on the Iraqi war, Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute pretended to drink a glass of water next to them.

This is "a set of principles from which to begin formal negotiations," Lute said. "And by negotiations I mean we'll tell the Iraqis where we want to build our bases and what parts of theri country they can't come into anymore."

As part of the package, the Iraqis want an end to all U.N.-ordered restrictions on Iraq's sovereignty. "We might as well have unrestricted sovereignty," said one Iraqi official. "We won't be using it until the Americans take all our oil anyway."

The two senior Iraqi officials said Iraqi authorities had discussed the broad outlines of the proposal with U.S. military and diplomatic representatives. "And by 'discussed' we mean the Americans showed us the contract. We discussed whether to sign it in blue or black ink, and that was that. We went with the black. More professional looking."

Members of parliament were briefed on the plan during a three-hour closed-door meeting during which lawmakers loyal to radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr objected to the formula. "Hey, we turn over our country to a foreign power, set up a puppet government and proceed to bleed our country for the American economy. What's not to like?" said one Sunni official.

Preferential treatment for U.S. investors could provide a huge windfall if Iraq can achieve enough stability to exploit its vast oil resources. "You say that like it's a bad thing," said one pentagon official close to the negotiations.

At the White House, Lute said the new agreement was not binding. "Irrevocable, unalterable, inescapable, unbreakable, compulsory, obligatory, mandatory sure, but binding? Nah."

"We believe, and Iraqis' national leaders were told to believe, that a long-term relationship with the United States is in our mutual interest," Lute said.

Lute said, having the U.S. as a "reliable, enduring partner with Iraq will cause different sects inside the Iraqi political structure to bet on the reliable partnership with the United States. And if history teaches us anything, it's that the U.S. is reliable. Just ask the Kurds after the first Gulf War. Or the Vietnamese, or Native Americans. We stand by our word."

When asked about the plan, U.S. Embassy spokeswoman Mirembe Nantongo noted that Iraqi officials had expressed a desire for a strategic partnership with the U.S. in a political declaration in August. "Which was actually a little late," she added. "We sent them the memo telling them they were interested in a strategic partnership back in March."

Friday, November 23, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Rut ro. Looks like someone isn't going to get a Christmas card from the overlords this year.

Sponsors of a ballot initiative to ban greyhound racing turned in more than 100,000 signatures to town and city clerks, exceeding the approximately 66,000 required signatures. "We even collected signatures from people who go to the tracks," said Christine Dorchak, chairman of the Committee to Protect Dogs. "Well the ones who knew how to sign their names anyway."

"They are a very, very radical group that surround themselves with the likes of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)," Gary Temple, manager of Raynham Park, said of the committee. "I'm pretty sure they're al Qeida members too. And communists. They're all communists."

"It was just fantastic. We were greeted very well by the public," Dorchak said. "They were very glad to help us."

"Oh I'm sure your terrorist friends were very glad to help you," Temple said. "They say that we keep our dogs in crates for 18 to 24 hours - that's completely wrong. The crates we buy are larger than the crates that animals are kept in at Tufts Medical Center," he said.

When asked what the size of the crate had to do with how long the dogs are kept in it, Temple replied, "Haven't you ever locked yourself in a closet? I have and believe me the bigger the closet the better."

"They're fed very well because people pay a lot of money for them ... these dogs are athletes," he added. "Did I mention the crates were big? Huge in fact."

Advocates have said that increased awareness and better documentation of racing-related injuries will make the petition more successful this year. According to the committee, approximately 1,000 greyhounds have sustained 700 racing injuries since 2002.

"Well of course a dog will get injured now and then. It could happen at home in the back yard too. Course you probably wouldn't kill your dog just because it broke a toe, but hey we got a business to run here, Temple said.

Yeah. One slip up and you're toast, but the food was good huh, Cleopatra?

Cleopatra is a very sweet little girl. She loves to be held, petted and snuggled. She is easy going, but also has a playful side when her family wants to play with her. She is friendly, even tempered, and very well adjusted. She loves to be around the other dogs in the home. She is very happy to be running around in the fenced in yard with the foster family’s Greyhound and enjoys lying in the grass to keep cool. She loves taking all her toys out of the toy box and takes them to her bed. She will also try to take her favorite toys outside. Cleopatra would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and older. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog in a family that will give her the loving she needs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Continuing one of our long standing traditions here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we bring you this year's installment of Hounds Home for The Holiday. At least we think it's a long standing tradition. We have this vague memory...well, could look back in the archives but that's too much like work so long standing tradition is our story and we're sticking to it. Pass that Stoli over here.

But first, let's spread some holiday cheer among the overlords.

We've often written about the overlord's lament that they are abused and misunderstood and in actuality no one cares more for the units than they. Why, there's the investment, the training, the upkeep. Why would anyone even imagine that an overlord would even in his remotest dreams think about harming his or her meal ticket?

But what happens after they're no longer able to help you make your trailer payment Mr. overlord?

Umm...erm...yeah...well, there is that.

Tasmania's top greyhound trainer has been banned from the sport for eight years after shooting 11 dogs that had been retired from racing.

OK, now you're thinking Yay! The powers that oversee greyhound exploitation have finally awakened to the inherent cruelty of their industry. They've come out of those long years of denial into the bright sunshine of rationality, humanity and empathy for all god's creatures.

Meh...not so much.

Edward Medhurst pleaded guilty at a stewards inquiry to eight different breaches of the greyhound rules which say retired dogs must be put down by a registered vet.

Yeah, you read that right. They don't care so much that he killed the dogs, they just care that a vet couldn't charge for it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same huh, Angel?

Angel is a really good dog. He’s extremely playful. He greets his foster mom very happily when she comes home. Every day when his foster mom comes home, she can see his little head in the French doors looking out at her, he must hear her come home. He really loves attention. He will come up to you and will follow you around. He loves playing with squeaky toys. He responds to his name. He has a “helicopter” tail and will jump up and down for a treat or when you come home. He’s very playful and active. One would never realize he is 7 years old. Angel would do well in any home, as long as he had other pets in the home to keep him company. He would be good with well-mannered children, 6 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What If We Gave Them A Nice Car Magnet For Their Wheelchair?

OK, we think the pentagon's finally got it figured out. Everybody knows the Army has been having trouble finding people who think losing bodies parts is a good career move, so they've been offering to pay for just about anything you can think of if you'll just join the futility brigade. After all, how much is an arm, or a leg, or two legs worth anyway? We're talking bottom line market value here.

So, that's fine as far as it goes, but the problem is what do you do with those people once you give them the money and they go out and spend it on stuff like, oh we don't know, pants with two legs and shirts with two arms, then they go and get something blown off. Well, ponder no more fellow intact individuals, and members of the yellow elephants corps because your ever vigilant, fiscally responsible, cost effective pentagon has come up with the answer: You make them give the money back.

The U.S. Military is demanding that thousands of wounded service personnel give back signing bonuses because they are unable to serve out their commitments. "We believes that since these people went over to Iraq and got hurt in the first place, they should be responsible for some of their care," said a spokesperson for the pentagon Office of How Stupid Can We Be. Division of Pretty Dang Stupid.

Men and women who have lost arms, legs, eyesight, hearing and can no longer serve are being ordered to pay money back to the military. "It makes sense if you think about it," said an aide to secretary of defense Robert M. Gates. " I mean, if we get that money back from a vet that gets wounded and give it to an enlistee until he or she gets wounded, then get it back from him or her, factor out the people who get killed outright and pretty soon the bonus program is paying for itself. It's high powered financial planning. You wouldn't understand."

Jordan Fox, a young soldier from the South Hills was seriously injured when a roadside bomb blew up his vehicle. He was knocked unconscious. His back was injured and lost all vision in his right eye. He's being asked to return part of his $10,000 signing bonus.

"Hey, he's still got one good eye. He could be a crossing guard or something," said a pentagon representative who asked not to be named.

It's a slap for Fox's mother, Susan Wardezak, who met with President Bush in Pittsburgh last May. He thanked her for starting Operation Pittsburgh Pride which has sent approximately 4,000 care packages. "I should have known something was up when the president told me he thought Santa Claus was the one sending the packages," she said. "I just thought he was drunk."

Congressman Jason Altmire has proposed a bill that would guarantee soldiers receive full benefit of bonuses. "Look, the war is costing us trillions of dollars which we're borrowing, so it's not like real money or anything. What's a few more thousand lousy bucks, huh? Chump change."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Well, I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle. Wait, No I Won't

Some people just don't have enough to do. Apparently these people run for positions on school boards.

A majority of Polk County School Board members say they support teaching intelligent design in addition to evolution in public schools. They also support bleeding to cure disease, wearing blue beads to defend against the evil eye, and talking to flowers.

Apparently they don't have a PBS station in Polk County.

Board members Tim Harris, Margaret Lofton and Hazel Sellers said they oppose proposed science standards for Florida schools that lists evolution and biological diversity as one of the "big ideas" that students need to know for a well-grounded science education. "Give the young'uns too much a that book learnin' and they get all uppity," said Harris.

"Sides, ain't no Yankee activist judge gonna tell me what to teach my kids," added Lofton.

Board member Kay Fields said last week she wants intelligent design, which is promoted by some Christian groups, taught in science classes in addition to evolution. "I want to make very clear that just because christian groups want ID taught doesn't mean it's disguised religion," she told reporters. It's also just coincidence that the required text is the bible."

The board's majority opinion is at odds with Florida's scientific community, as well as people not on psychotropic drugs who strongly support the new, more rigorous science standards, and say intelligent design lacks scientific credibility. "What's so important about 'scientific credibility?'" asked Sellers. "We got too much credibility in schools today. We got a credibility problem. I say we need more blind faith. God, I loved that band."

Eds note: Must...resist...left...turn...

"If it ever comes to the board for a vote, I will vote against the teaching of evolution as part of the science curriculum," Lofton said. "I will also vote against the passage of time, clothing stores without a plus size department and cockroaches."

Despite the Dover case, some school board members want both intelligent design and evolution taught in Polk schools. They say they have received numerous e-mails and phone calls in support of intelligent design. "Well, I think they were in support. It was hard to tell sometimes with all the spelling and grammar mistakes," Fields said.

It's unclear how the opposition by the School Board will pan out if the new standards are adopted by the state. "Independent Republic of Polkistan, that's all I'm saying," Sellers told reporters.

Board members Frank O'Reilly and Brenda Reddout said they were unwilling to endorse intelligent design over evolution. "Using the high school pool for baptisms is also problematic for me," O'Reilly said.

"I agree, and I think we should stick to Spanish and French in our language classes and not add Speaking in Tongues as well," Reddout added.

Board member Lori Cunningham said she hasn't made up her mind. "Nobody told me I'd have to make decisions when I ran for this job," she said. "I just wanted to get back at Mr. Jessup who flunked me in ninth grade algebra. I'm coming for you jerky Jessup."

The School Board could discuss the issue at its regular meeting. "Well, if I don't get possessed by the holy spirit," Fields said. "That tends to happen a lot when we start talking about something I don't like."

"Yeah. She goes all spazzy and starts flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water," Reddout added. "Fun to watch, but we don't get much done."

"My tendency would be to have both sides shared with students since neither side can be proven," Tim Harris said. When it was pointed out to Harris that the Theory of Gravity also can't be "proven" he responded, "You mean I could fly if I just believe?"

"I don't have a conflict with intelligent design versus evolution," Sellers said. "The two go together. Hey, anybody want to share my sardine and peanut butter sandwich? It's got ketchup on it."

If the standards are adopted, local school boards in opposition will have the option of going to court, School Board Attorney Wes Bridges said.

"If the board has difficulty with the result, we will have to assess what their options may be," Bridges said. "From time to time, they are asked to do things that they don't want to do."

"Yeah. Like live in the real world," O'Reilly said.

"I heard that, heathen," Fields said. "I think I feel an attack of the holy spirit coming on."

"Well, just don't pee yourself this time," Reddout said.

In a related story, the number of parents homeschooling their children have more than doubled in Polk county since the election.

Monday, November 19, 2007

This Is A Post We Did Not Intend To Write

Full disclosure: We'uns was a borned in Tennessee. Lived a fair part of our formative years there afer comin' north. To this day we still like grits, but not the kind you have up here. Anyway, the point is we still like to keep tabs on our old stomping grounds, which is how we came across this:

A Maryville couple who profess to be "bondservants" of God were bound over to a grand jury on charges they operated a plant nursery without proper state certification.

The first time we read that we thought, now what kind o' plants was they a nursin' in their little nursery. We have it on good authority that the money's pretty much gone outta moonshinin' and after all a body's gotta put vittles in the little ones. Turns out though, that wasn't the story

During their preliminary hearing both Wendy and William Roseburgh said they are prevented by their religious beliefs from signing any type of agreement with anyone or any organization. "Well, that'n we cain't write," said Mr. Roseburgh. "I ain't illiterate though, it's ma atharitus. The wife? Well she tips the bottle a little if you know what I mean."

The Roseburghs also raised concerns of faith about the number of a Tennessee Department of Agriculture certificate formerly held by William Roseburgh that was carried over onto the paperwork related to Wendy Roseburgh's uncertified nursery. The number is 996, which Wendy Roseburgh says she equates with 666, the number of the beast. "If a six turned out to be nine, I do mind," she told the judge.

"Yeah, and you've got your own world to live though, and you ain't gonna copy me," Judge David Duggan of Blount County General Sessions court replied.

"Risin' up, straight to the top, had the guts, got the glory. Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop, just a man and his will to survive," Mr. Roseburgh added.

"OK, meet the new boss, same as the old boss," Judge Duggan said as he bound them over for trial.

The Roseburghs were released on bond but a spokesman for the Police said he'd be watching every move they made.

You figure out who's strange, the Roseburgh's or us

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Rut Ro. Just when the overlords think they've got the inside track on separating social security recipients form their rent money, along comes those pesky native Americans to steal the pot right from under their noses.

An agreement between the state and the Seminole Indian tribe could spell serious trouble for the Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track, one of the track's owners says. "Look, there are only so many people dumb enough to fall for this," said Izzy Havenick, one of the owners of the Bonita-based track. "Not that I have anything against Indians, but what am I supposed to do if all the rubes start going over there, get a job?"

It'll put all pari-mutuels out of business," Havenick said. "My grandfather built this track. I don't want to think about what will happen. I mean, where are drug addicts and drunks supposed to go? To the casino? Have you seen their security? We're providing a public service here."

Andrew Smith, the director of research at the American Gaming Association in Washington, D.C., said if the state approves the compact, it won't be the first time pari-mutuels cry foul. "Their customer base is aging and they're having a difficult time attracting younger customers," Smith said. "Track operators are saying that they're having a hard time competing because of the limited number of potential customers with IQs lower than grass seed."

Darren Robertshaw, chairman of the Bonita Springs Area Chamber of Commerce, said he couldn't fairly gauge the economic impact. "It's not something I've really thought about," he said. "Quite frankly I'd forgotten the track was there."

Yeah. They must get that a lot, huh Brandy?

Brandy is a gentle, quiet intelligent dog who is a bit nervous until he gets to know you. He loves playing with stuffies. When he wants some ‘loving’ he walks up to his foster mom and leans his forehead against her legs and just stands there waiting to be petted. Brandy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

There Will Be Sacrifices. We May Have To Outlaw Ethnic Foods As Well

Monday we told you about a Mr. John Dunkle whose attempt to bring rationality and comity to the abortion debate through the use of Winchester products was quashed by one of those activist judges. Seems the little pinko's idea of discussion has to do with actual words. Obviously not a John Wayne fan.

Well, to prove you can't keep a good idea down, along comes Tom Tancredo, candidate for president from the Insane Clown Party. In order to further the national discussion on who is best qualified to lead this country out of the current fever swamp we've been wading though for the last seven years, Mr. Tancredo reminds us that if we don't vote for him a brown person will blow up the GAP.

A man in a hooded sweat shirt, a backpack, a crowded mall. The television screen goes dark at the sound of an explosion. Tom Tancredo, the presidential candidate running on a bug eyed, spittle flecked, stumble screaming into the night message, is airing this scene in a television ad. "I made this ad because I believe Americans can never be too frightened." Tancredo told reporters. "Plus it helps me avoid having to talk about stuff like health care and the economy and stuff nobody cares about."

"There are consequences to open borders beyond the 20 million aliens who have come to take our jobs in the lawn care, housekeeping and cab driving industries," a narrator in the spot says. "Islamic terrorists now freely roam U.S. soil, just like blacks and women."

"I have a limited budget so I have to try and cover all my bases in one ad," Tancredo said.

Tancredo, a congressman who has long advocated tight limits on people who aren't lucky enough to be born white, barely registers in public opinion polls. "We just need one GAP to go up and we're right up there with the big boys," said an aide to the congressman. "Heck, even a Crate and Barrel will do. Anything. "

"I approve this message because someone needs to say it," Tancredo says at the beginning of the ad. "And when it gets right down to it, none of the other candidates can put on the crazy like I can."

Well, at least he has one position with which we can agree.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

That Would Explain The Bathroom Humor

cash advance

Hey, you try typing without spilling.

Let's Get Ready To Stummmmmmble!!

Somewhere we read that MSM, or Em Ess Em stood for main Stream Media, as in those folks who went to journalism school, or maybe truck driving school we're not sure. Apparently though, it stands for Many Stupid Mistakes. We thought "journalists" were supposed to get some sort of training so they could go out and carry on in the great traditions of H. L. Mencken, Ernie Pyle, Edward R. Murrow by researching, interviewing and writing stories that shed light on the inner workings of government at the highest level; informed the masses so they were critical and wise voters; and helped ensure that our democracy thrived. That's apparently hard to do when you're dumber than Forest Gump's laundry basket.

CNN interviewed John Cena and several other wrestlers and WWE employees for a piece called "Death Grip: Inside Pro Wrestling."

OK, leaving aside for a moment that this "documentary" should have been done by Fox News--you know, a fake news organization interviewing fake wrestlers--what the heck was CNN hoping to find? A match that wasn't fixed?

During Cena's interview, a reporter asked him if he had ever used steroids. The part of Cena's answer that aired seemed to be evasive.

The part that aired? Uh oh, this can't be good.

But Cena's full answer to the steroid question began with "Absolutely not," according to footage of the interview released by the WWE on its Web site. The WWE has both the edited and unedited clips on its Web site, while the footage appears to be gone from CNN's Web site.

Dang! Outsmarted by professional wrestlers. Where's all that Columbia School of Journalism Honor Roll stuff now pencil necks?

The WWE released a statement slamming CNN's credibility in which most of the words were spelled correctly and there were only three grammatical errors.

Yipes. The Undertaker is coming for you Dobbs!

CNN. Guys. Look, if you can't handle Snitsky how you going to handle important stories like missing white women and John Edwards' haircuts?

We're very disappointed. By the way, did you get CM Punk's autograph?

Monday, November 12, 2007

It's Not Murder, It's High Velocity Debate

See, here's the problem with politics in this country: It's basically a seventh grade popularity contest in which no one talks about the issues that concern adults and the media encourages them by being uncomfortably concerned with cleavage and haircuts.

So what happens when someone finally comes along and tries to bring the debate around to issues of the day? What happens when someone attempts to put his or her position out there for the public? Well, that person gets shut down by the man.

A federal judge ordered an anti-abortion activist to remove Web site postings that authorities said exhorted readers to kill an abortion provider by shooting her in the head. "But I meant it in a good way," said John Dunkle, who owns the web page.

Tell it brother. Speak truth to power.

The injunction, sought by prosecutors, also bans him from publishing similar messages containing names, addresses or photographs of health clinic staff members. "I think my rights are being violated," Dunkle said. "I mean, where does it say you can't try and get someone killed? Isn't there something in the Constitution about it? The Burr/Hamilton amendment?"

Which one of those was the pro life guy?

Prosecutors said one posting targeted a former clinician for the Philadelphia Women's Center, and that she later stopped providing reproductive health services because she feared for her life. "Oh, so she thinks just because I put her contact information up on my anti-abortion site someone is going to read that and come looking for her? Boy, she must have a pretty low opinion of the pro-life movement. "

Right on. Any group will have a few whackos in it, but you folks haven't killed anybody in at least a couple of years.

Dunkle said that the postings had been removed."They're down now. I won't put up language that (the judge) has told me not to put up."

One posting, which featured the provider's name, photo and address, stated that "while it does not sound good to say go shoot her between the eyes, it sounds even worse to say let her alone."

"I was just thinking with the holidays coming up she might like some company," Dunkle said.

Right. Can you see now how the system makes criminals out of honest, upstanding citizens?

Friday, November 09, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we were treated to a primer on greyhound care by a Mr. Peter Gundrum. Of Milwaukee. We're not sure if he was bragging or confessing about that Milwaukee part, but no matter, the point is Mr. Gundrum explained to us that the life of a greyhound while in the benevolent care of the overlords is a dizzying whirl of opportunities, starting with being born to serve, then being treated to first class accommodations, and high quality gourmet victuals. In short, it's like the life Katrina victims got, only with smaller FEMA trailers. Or something like that.

Of course, there are the

The deaths of seven greyhounds at a West Memphis track this summer have prompted Arkansas racing officials to call for a review of the rules for handling racing dogs. "None of this would have happened if those animals rights whackos hadn't insisted on making us take the dogs out of their crates when they're not racing," Shane Bolender, Southland's racing director said. "They like being in there, and the crates have wire bottoms so everything just drops through."

Members of the Arkansas Racing Commission said they were concerned about an Aug. 9 fight that erupted among a group of greyhounds at Southland Gaming and Racing's track. A state veterinarian told commissioners that one dog was dead when she arrived at the track. The others had to be euthanized. "Oh, they make us let them out, and then they expect us to watch them too?" Bolender said.

Bolender told the commission the fight broke out among the dogs during 100-plus degree heat that afternoon when the dogs were in a turnout pen. "I actually didn't see the fight. I was in the office sitting in front of the AC. It was hot that day, man."

Lisa Robinson, a racing commission veterinarian assigned to the dog track, said one dog was dead when she arrived at the track and she had to euthanize two others. The other dogs were euthanized by a local veterinarian."We had been at 102, 103 or sometimes higher...and basically we needed the proper amount of help there," Robinson said. "It was just a combination of things that just kind of came together, like too many dogs in too small a space with no water and no supervision. Could have happened to anyone."

Commission members asked Robinson to meet with track officials and members of the Arkansas Greyhound Association to discuss ways to prevent future incidents and possibly new rules for the supervision and operation of turnout pens at the race track.

Hey, we've got an idea. Let's ask Mr. Peter Gundrum of Milwaukee for some suggestions. Nothing like that happens in his world. What do you think, Cash?

Cash is smart and calm. He likes affection, but he does not actively seek it out. He likes going for walks with the family and playing with plush toys that squeak. He also likes his ears gently rubbed and to be covered with a blanket when he retires for the night. Cash would do well in a working family with well mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with average to larger size dogs (no small dogs) and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

And By Their Acts You Shall Know Them

Politics make strange bedfellows. Just ask Larry Craig...erm...maybe we should ask Mark Foley...ah...maybe not. How about Neal Horsley...oh...uh... ew? Bob Allen? No, huh? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

OK, so mentioning republicans and bedfellows isn't such a good idea for a family oriented blog, but the point we were trying to make is Pat Robertson (motto: My gaydar cannot be defeated, bitchez) has endorsed Rudy Giuliani (One stop shopping for all things 9/11). In giving his endorsement, Roberts told reporters that god had let 9/11 happen so Giuliani could become president and smite the homos.

The former New York mayor backs abortion rights and gay rights, and dresses in drag. "Yeah, but at least he's no Mormon," Robertson said.

"Besides, I hate all those people now," Giuliani added. Robertson then praised Giulani as a "leading representative of christian values."

Evangelicals have split in their support for the leading republican candidates. Kansas senator Sam Brownback, a favorite of Christian conservatives dropped out of the race last month. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney recently announced that Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III were on board with his candidacy. "So I see Giuliani's Robertson, and raise him a Weyrich," Romney said.

When asked how a group of people who purported to have a direct channel to the will of god could be so split on which candidate to choose, Robertson replied that god had been depressed after his Rockies lost the world series in four straight and hadn't been answering his pager. "We're expecting a hurricane or earthquake in Boston any day now," Robertson said. "Maybe locusts."

Later Giuliani's office issued a statement saying that he had been misquoted when he said he was a Sox fan. "He was either drunk or high at the time," the statement said.

God was not available for comment according to Robertson.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Kids Are All Right. The Adults? Eh, Not So Much

We're coming to you today from the Fear for the Future Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. FFF is a wholly owned subsidy of What's The Matter With Kids Company in partnership with the Generation of Suspects Corporation. Seems a group of so called young people in Illinois don't they know they're just supposed to color in the bubbles on the scantron sheet and nag their parents for lead filled toys.

Over 70 students participated in a sit-in against the Iraq War on All Saint’s Day, Thursday, November 1st. It began third hour when dozens of students gathered quietly in the lunchroom at Morton West High School and refused to leave.

Kids? Gather round. First of all, "gathered quietly?" For a demonstration? See, uh, well, just ask your parents. OK, ask your grandparents.

The administrators and police became involved immediately and locked down the school for a half hour after class ended. Police? What, did the students "gather quietly" with menacing looks on their faces?

Students were promised that there would be no charges besides cutting classes if they took their protest outside so as not to disturb the school day. The students complied, and were led to a corner outside the cafeteria where they sang songs and held signs while classes resumed.

"It was right after that when we locked the school down," said the principal.

Despite a police line set up between the protesters and the student body, many other students joined the demonstration.

"Well, if fairness to our officers, some of the kids are kind of small," said a representative of the Sheriff's Office.

Deans, counselors and even the Superintendent tried to change the minds of a few, mainly those students with higher GPA scores to abandon the protest.

"Yeah. We figured those with high GPA's wouldn't be going into the Army anyway, so what did they care?" said one counselor. "Turns out they did. Kids. Go figure."

The school called the homes of many of the protesters. Those whose parents arrived before the end of school and took their students home, or left before the protest ended at the final bell, received 3-5 days suspension. Students caught in the school after the final bell lock down received six day suspensions. "We're new at this," said the principal.

All others, an estimated 37 received 10 days suspension and expulsion papers. Parents report that Dr. Ben Nowakowski, Superintendent stated those who are seventeen will also face police charges. "We're going to charge them with being uppity," Nowakowski said. "I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a minor to do stuff like that."

Yeah. Wouldn't the kids thinking they, like, had a stake in what goes on in the country or anything.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Can You Lend Me Your Corporate Jet To Fly Out To Your Factory For A Suprise Inspection?

You know, it is getting to the point where government can't do anything without getting jumped on by some do gooder with an agenda. We mean, in these times of shrinking resources (except for the war) and the need not to tax rich people to pay for another war we should demand our government become more efficient at spending China's money on the war, but when they do, Wham! the media goes all Conflict of Interest on them.

The chief of the Consumer Product Safety Commission and her predecessor have taken dozens of trips at the expense of the toy, appliance and children's furniture industries and others they regulate.

Well, of course they did. Why should taxpayers pay for this when the companies themselves are willing to wine and dine the regulators on their dime? You invite us out to your place, we have a few drinks, maybe play a round of golf or two, and we look over your site. It's just good fiscal stewardship if you ask us.

The records document nearly 30 trips since 2002 by the agency's acting chairman, Nancy Nord, and the previous chairman, Hal Stratton, that were paid for in full or in part by trade associations or manufacturers of products ranging from space heaters to disinfectants. The airfares, hotels and meals totaled nearly $60,000, and the destinations included China, Spain,San Francisco, New Orleans and a golf resort on Hilton Head Island, S.C.

Hey, do you know how many people are injured each year by substandard golf balls? These people are putting themselves on the line for you, ingrates.

Notable among the trips -- commonly described by officials as "graft travel" -- was an 11-day visit to China and Hong Kong in 2004 by Stratton, then chairman. The $11,000 trip was paid for by the American Fireworks Standards Laboratory, an industry group based in a post office box in Bethesda whose only "laboratories" are in Asia. If by "laboratory" you mean private country club and casino.

Consumer groups and lawmakers intensified their criticism of the CPSC this summer after several highly publicized recalls of Chinese-made toys that contained hazardous levels of lead. "I feel pretty confident that there is no lead in Chinese fireworks coming into this country," Stratton said.

Government-wide travel regulations state that officials from agencies such as the CPSC should not accept money for travel from nonfederal sources if the payments "would cause a reasonable person . . . to question the integrity of agency programs or operations." When asked who the model of a "reasonable" person was, an aide to CPSC chief Nord replied the model had been developed "after consultation with Rick Santorum."

CPSC officials defend the industry-paid trips as a way for the agency to be in contact with manufacturing officials and hear their concerns. When asked how the agency kept up with consumer concerns, Nord looked puzzled, then said, "I'm sorry, who?"

"The mission of the agency and the benefits to consumer safety are two factors that are taken into consideration in approving gift travel," Commission spokeswoman Julie Vallese said. "Well, that and proximity to shopping and fine restaurants."

"This is a blatant violation of the ethics code," said Craig Holman, an expert on governmental ethics law for the nonprofit consumer advocacy group Public Citizen. The rules allow nonfederal sources to pay for trips, "but not if you're a private party with business pending before the agency," he said.

"That's naive and counter productive," Nord said. "How are we going to know what these companies want us to do unless we talk to them?"

The records show that Nord and Stratton repeatedly accepted graft travel for events from industries subject to CPSC enforcement. In February 2006, the Toy Industry Association provided Nord with rail fare, two nights in a hotel, meals -- and even $51 to pay her Union Station parking bill -- to attend the American International Toy Fair in New York, one of the industry's biggest product exhibitions.

Joan Lawrence, the association's vice president who oversees toy safety, said that "I have heard some enforcement officials say that they consider attending vital" because "they are able to see new products before they hit retail shelves" and suggest safety improvements. "I've also heard that if you leave a tooth under your pillow at night a fairy will come and give you money."

Hey, let's not drag senator Craig into this.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written before about the advanced level of business acumen necessary to become an overlord. Unit exploitation is not a career in which just anyone can survive. It requires a clear grasp of market fundamentals, advanced planning skills, and a talent for fiscal management.

Oh, and a head injury.

The Corpus Christi Greyhound Racetrack lost $25 for every visitor to the track in 2006, an annual loss totaling $3.5 million, according to financial statements filed with the Texas Racing Commission. Previous years haven't been much better. In all, investors in the track are owed $35.5 million.

They had investors? Oh, well that makes sense.

As track officials re-affirmed plans to shut the facility's doors for at least one year, one question remains. Why have they bothered to keep it open for so long?

"Couldn't find the dagone key," said former general manager Jacques Tripplett. "Turns out the lock's broken anyway."

The track's operators sustained the losses in hopes the Legislature would expand gambling in Texas. They wanted slot machines or video gambling terminals, to be specific. "Well, to be really specific we wanted anything that would keep us from having to get real jobs," Tripplett said. "It's not like we're overflowing with them whatdyacallum, marketable skills out here."

Track officials wanted to shorten the racing season to three months and institute a circuit with a track in Harlingen in an effort to stem losses. The racing commission, which regulates greyhound racing down to the annual schedule of races denied the track's request after dog and kennel owners opposed the plan. "They wanted to shut down for nine months just because people aren't coming out," said one kennel owner. "I just don't see the logic in that."

Hmmm...He might want to look just a wee bit harder, huh Ida?

Ida is very outgoing and friendly. Happy, wags often, tail wags like crazy. She is very affectionate. She will approach and stand by you for affection. She is playful and puppy-like. She is quite agile. She can jump a standard 4’ fence and on the first day in her foster home, she was found standing on top of the dining room table – all 4 feet on the table. Ida would be good in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and older. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog with a family who would exercise and play with her often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Legislature? Yeah. Had One In Texas Too. Didn't Pay Any Attention To Them Either

OK, so for six years now the president has had to work with Congress, and things have gone along fine as long as no one got in the way of his bipartisanship. Yeah. Like that would happen. What are you, one of those three branches of government weirdos? That's so pre-9/11. Congress was all like, ooh, Mr. president you are just the coolest. Invade a country because you don't like the color of their flag? Weeee! Spend billions of dollars we don't have? Where do we sign? Ignore the the third-strongest hurricane on record? Ah, never liked Cajun food that much anyway. Oh, Mr. president, Mr. president, say y'all for us please, oh please, just one more time. And can you look all steely eyed? We love that.

Things were going along in both a hunky and a dory way. Then along comes one of those, erm whatdyacallit, election thingys and it turns out the only people in the country who think Bush wouldn't lose a debate to Forest Gump are those already in Congress.

Oh, and Condoleeza Rice.

So a bunch of new people come in who apparently didn't see enough cowboy movies when they were kids because they certainly don't have this whole bipartisan thing down. They're all like, OK Mr. president, we're not going to give you everything you want until you say pretty, pretty please.

Well, you can imagine the consternation this causes Bush, who isn't used to even one pretty before a please. Come to think of it, he's not even used to a please. So is it any wonder the president thinks this whole checks and balances thing is a big waste of time?

President Bush lashed out at Congress, the third time he has done so in two weeks, this time saying the House had wasted time on “a constant string of investigations” and the Senate had similarly wasted its efforts by trying to rein in the Iraq war.

"Look," the president told reporters, "I don't know why the Congress is so het up over these investigations. As soon as they convict someone I'm going to pardon them. Maybe before. And as for the war, you see how well that's going."

“Congress is not caving in fast enough so work isn't getting done,” the president said in brief remarks from the North Portico of the White House where he had been found wandering. "And if anybody knows about not getting work done, it's me."

As he spoke, Mr. Bush was flanked by two senior Republicans, Representative John Boehner of Ohio, the minority leader, and Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri, the minority whip. Reporters were treated to a show of the president's abilities as he drank water while Boehner spoke.

Representative Nancy Pelosi responded sharply to the president’s criticisms. “The president calls Congressional oversight that has uncovered tens of billions of dollars in waste, fraud and abuse in Iraq a ‘waste of time.’ We call billions spent in no-bid contracts to Halliburton a waste of money,” she said. "No offense Mr. Cheney sir."

The president again criticized Democrats over the S-CHIP bill, saying the Senate had taken up a second version of the legislation passed by the House “despite knowing it does not have a chance of becoming law. "You have to be at least eighteen to join the army and go to Iraq. Why should I spend good money on kids younger than that? We start coddling kids and the terrorists win,” Bush said.

Mr. Bush was also sharply critical of a reported plan by congressional leaders to combine the Defense Department appropriations bill with bills for domestic departments.“It’s hard to imagine a more cynical political strategy than trying to hold hostage funding for our troops in combat and our wounded warriors in order to extract $11 billion for people who probably wouldn't vote for me anyway,” he said. "And believe me, I know a lot about cynical political strategies."

The president continued his denunciations of Congress, saying its leaders had also failed to cave on Michael Mukasey as attorney general. “This is not what congressional leaders promised when they took control of Congress earlier this year,” he said then. "Well, actually it is because Mukasey cares even less about torture than Gonzales did, but when are the democrats going to realize that just because most people voted for them is no reason not to give me what I want?"

Later the president was overheard telling Representative Roy Blunt that if by some chance the Congress did override his veto of SCHIP he would lock himself in the bathroom and "hold my breath until I pass out."