Tuesday, August 31, 2010

We Want You To Leave, But Maybe You Could Come Back Once a Week Or So Just To Clean Up a Bit

You know, we like to make fun of the Bubbas from time to time, especially those who call the Palmetto State home, but today? Well, actually today is no different.

Ha! Got you there didn't we? You thought we were going to say something like, but today is different, or today we have to give credit where credit is due, or today there was a frost/freeze warning in Hades.

Nope. Different day, same Bubbas.
If you go to fill up your tank in West Columbia you may see the message "One nation under God and if you don't like it, leave." A viewer sent us a picture of the pump while getting gas at a station on Highway 1 near Big Lots in West Columbia.
Now, we know what you are thinking and there's no need to worry. We checked and there are three Walmarts in West Columbia, all within a couple of miles of one another, so the fact that this story takes place near a Big Lots is in no way indicative of any sort of loss of faith on the part of  the better living through $1.29 a pallet bathroom tissue set.

In fact, this story represents a quantum leap forward in the ongoing christian war of exclusion, intolerance and prejudice because, rather than going down to the Big Lots and buying a bunch of poster board to scrawl misspelled sputterances upon, these people have learned to use technology to further their xenophobic goals. Yay Technology!
One woman says she continually gives the station her business because of the message. She hopes more people do the same. "I disagree totally 100% about taking God out of the system," the woman said.
OK we're going to have to assume she's talking about more than the gasoline production and distribution system because we're pretty sure god has more important things to do that monitor the worldwide movement of combustible hydrocarbons.
"One nation under God and if you don't like it, you can leave." The bold digital statement has been there for a year. In fact, all the customers we talked to like it. "I think it's good," said one driver. "I think people should have a choice, if they don't like it, they can leave."
Well, there you go then. Pretty clear, but we do have just one questions. Since it's the Bubbas who are doing all the complaining about how they don't like what happening in the country today, shouldn't they be the ones leaving?

This reminds us of when we were much younger Ironicii. It was during one of America's many wars, we can't remember which one, or maybe it was the same one just in a different country. Anyway, we used to occasionally run across an upstanding citizen who would tell us, usually in a rather loud voice that this was America and we should love it or leave it.

A noble sentiment in and of itself, but, as we attempted to point out to our interlocutor, actually implementing it could prove counterproductive. See, when there is a war, the people most likely not to be enamored of continued hostilities are most likely to be those with the highest probability of being killed or maimed in it, eg: young people. Now, if all the young people who generally supply the bone, tissue and viscera in these situations were to actually leave, that would mean individuals like the aforementioned sloganeering patriot would have to get up out of their Barcaloungers and go fight their own wars.

Similarly, our wide bottomed friends in West Columbia have failed to realize that if everyone except the Bubbas left this country it would be Armageddon as soon as the Piggly Wiggly exhausted their supply of 2 liters and Ho Hos. And don't even get us started on the ensuing carnage when word got around the the local KFC was about to run out of Double Downs.

So while we can applaud the Bubbas belated entrance into electronic messaging, we have to say that not only has logic once again escaped them, it has cleaned out their pantries, their bank accounts and run off with their wives.


Friday, August 27, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, we hope you're happy animal rights wackos. You took greyhound racing, which was a perfectly legal, efficiently regulated, profitable family oriented business that had entertained thousands over the years and turned it into a crime just because a few of the units we damaged. Can you tell us any business that doesn't have some inventory loss? Huh? Can you? Thought so.

Oh and you still weren't done. Somehow you got to the governor and, as if you wanted to punish the greyhound racing workers convinced him to make sure the track never opened again under any circumstances. You didn't fool Roger Powers though, right Roger?
“The governor could have saved Wonderland,” said Roger Powers, 71, of Danvers, a 43-year employee of the Revere track who picked up his last paycheck yesterday. “I’m surprised the governor didn’t support us.”
Don't be too surprised Roger. The governor is obviously in the pocket of those latte' sipping Birkenstock wearing east coast elites who thinks greyhound racing is inhumane because a couple of dogs get hurt from time to time. Hey, governor, football players get hurt from time to time too, and we don't outlaw the NFL. Course, we don't euthanize football players either, but let's not quibble about the details.
State Rep. Kathi-Ann Reinstein (D-Revere) said she spent the day at the track “crying and hugging” workers, who are often family members. “Some of these people are husband and wife. They’re going to have to talk to their kids about holding off on college,” said Reinstein. “The tragedy of this is that it was unbelievably preventable. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in the governor."
Heck of a job Governor. How about you Cary Theil? You happy now?And don't go telling us those kids are going to get more financial aid now because their parents income has changed because everyone knows greyhound racing pays its own way. You know what? Representative Reinstein said it best, "He doesn’t value these people.”

Darn straight. You got anything to add  Paul McMorrow?
In all the breathless finger-pointing following the closure of Wonderland Park last week, one detail got lost. It’s an important one, too. Neither Governor Deval Patrick nor the state Legislature deserves the blame for the Revere dog track’s closure. The track owners’ decision to shutter Wonderland was long in the making. Patrick’s decision to block slot machine licenses at racetracks may have accelerated the process, but it didn’t change the fate of Wonderland’s employees one bit.
Right on Paul. It's time we had politicians that cared about the common folk instead of being in the pockets of the special interests. It's time that we took back...wait, what?
Wonderland CEO Richard Dalton told the Revere Journal yesterday that the property would be sold to East Boston thoroughbred track Suffolk Downs within 90 days and then to an undisclosed developer. But long before that, it was a poorly kept secret in Boston real estate circles that the executives who control Wonderland — Dalton and Boston restaurateur Charles Sarkis — were keen on remaking the 33.7-acre site.
 But but...what about racing? What about all those minimum wage no benefit jobs?
What’s more, two sources in the real-estate world told me that retail developer Steve Karp and his firm New England Development were floating plans months ago to bulldoze Wonderland and replace it with a new complex. Neither Karp nor the Wonderland executives returned my calls for comment. But Dalton told the Revere Journal in April, when the gambling bill was still alive, that Wonderland wouldn’t pursue a slots license and would likely be redeveloped.
So it was always going to close? But why Mr. McMorrow?  Why?
But all the gambling bill’s failure did was deprive Wonderland’s ownership of a better payday. The prospect of a slots license might have let the track owners hold out for a higher sale price, but the site remains hugely valuable. That land is one of the largest development parcels in metro Boston, and is currently assessed at $15.5 million by the City of Revere. It is close to the beach and a Blue Line station, and it abuts the proposed Waterfront Square development, a 9-acre oceanfront development project that is backstopped in part by a federal economic stimulus grant.
It's just about the money? It's just about business? So as long as the place made money the workers were safe, but now that there's no more money to be made they've become expendable? It that it? Sound familiar  Daucus?

Daucus is very laid back, but curious. He is affectionate; he will approach for pets and will sometimes give kisses. He likes to rub his face up and down on your legs. He is a big boy and will try to herd the humans to get his way. He will sleep on his back with his tongue hanging out. Daucus would do well in a working family home with another mid-size to larger dog to keep him company and would probably be okay as an only dog with a family that had someone home more often. He would do better in a home with larger well-mannered children, as he does not always understand his size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Romney Opens Rent A Friend Franchise In Michigan

Hey look!  Dog lover  Mitt Romney is returning to the Water Winter Wonderland to endorse the candidate he didn't endorse before because, well, that's how Mitt Romney rolls.
Four months ago, former Massachusetts governor and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney came to Michigan to endorse and raise money for U.S. Rep. Pete Hoekstra's gubernatorial run.On Monday, he was back, but it was Ann Arbor businessman Rick Snyder who was getting the benefit of the Michigan native's support.
OK, that sounds about right. Mitt will endorse anyone until someone wins, then he's all for that guy. Friends call Mitt "The Pope" because his endorsements are infallible. Especially the ones he makes after the election.

Hoekstra worked tirelessly on Romney's presidential campaign in 2008, and Romney was returning the favor during the primary."But it's not like Mitt ever really liked the guy," said a Romney staffer who asked not to be named. "It just gave him a good excuse to come back to Michigan and get some fudge. Mitt really likes the fudge."

Romney said it was Snyder's ability to attract Republicans, independents and Democrats during the Aug. 3 primary election that makes him the right choice. Plus he won. "Let's put aside the party labels. Party labels lead to party positions," Romney said. "Shoot if I had to stick to republican positions, my stump speech woudl be only six minutes long--and I'd probably still contradict myself.

For Georgia Dixon, 59, of Bloomfield Township, having the Romney name attached to Snyder's campaign can only help. "He's so handsome," Dixon said of Romney after getting her picture taken with him. "And with Snyder, hopefully we'll get a new direction for the state. What's he running for again?"

The Romney visit, which included a stop at Snyder's campaign headquarters in Bloomfield Hills and a Birmingham fund-raiser, came during a week when the gubernatorial candidates are making their running mate selections and gearing up for their party conventions this weekend. "Pure coincidence. Mitt is not being considered for the lieutenant governor's position," said an aide to the Snyder canpaign.

Romney left the state shortly after.

Monday, August 23, 2010

America! Where Being A Populist Just Means You Don't Live In A Gated Community

It occurred to us the other day that there's another one of those election thingies coming up again here in a couple of months.


Can't these people just leave us alone? There's only about 14 people left in the country with jobs, six or seven that haven't lost their homes yet, and they still want us to send them to Washington to "fix" things? Don't fix us Bro! We can't take much more fixing! Plus, if you're not a Wall Street broker, or a banker your business is...well...we heard there's still a mall open somewhere in Wisconsin, but that's just a rumor.

Man, can't you see we're busy picking through the empty Kroger out in the abandoned strip mall trying to find cans of Campbell's soup that haven't expired? Winter's coming too-- probably have to break in to the foreclosed house down the block and see if any furniture was left that can be turned into firewood because there's bound to be some shutoffs because the energy companies have to protect their investors' fourth quarter returns.

People who get paid to tell us what we're thinking say the Republicans are going to make substantial gains this year.

Excuse us? Did the country fall down and conk its collective noggin? Republicans? Really? Let's take a look at a typical Republican slate of candidates, shall we?
It was symbolic when the six Republican candidates for U.S. Senate stood up together side-by-side during a debate Wednesday. It resembled their positions on major issues.  All said they would have voted against extending long-term unemployment benefits. All argued Elena Kagan should not have been appointed to the Supreme Court. All said man-made global warming hasn't been proven.
 OK, let's apply a little of that famous Stoli fueled Ironicus Maximus analytical expertise here and see if we can ferret out from the above statements who the constituents of the Republican party might be.
  • Item #1: "All said they would have voted against extending long-term unemployment benefits." This is an obvious attempt to reach out to voters too rich to worry about having to work for a living. 
  • Item #2: "All argued Elena Kagan should not have been appointed to the Supreme Court." Everyone knows the judiciary has been a curse on the free market system since the beginning. Minimum wage, child labor laws, workplace safety, the list of business averse policies goes on and on.
  • Item #3: "All said man-made global warming hasn't been proven." An obvious subset of Item #1 and meant to be a dog whistle for people rich enough tho have their own space ships.
Hmm...so far we're talking about the Walton family. Anybody else under the big tent?
Millionaire businessmen Bill Binnie of Rye and Jim Bender of Hollis trumpeted their ability to create jobs at a time when the unemployment rate continues to hover around 10 percent nationwide, the highest in nearly 30 years. "We have too many economic illiterates in Washington," fumed Bender, who promised to recruit more businesses to New Hampshire.  Said Binnie, "I have done billions of dollars of transactions. I have created thousands of jobs. My economic experience matters."
 Ah. "Millionaire businessmen." Always the best choice for understanding what it's like to live on a fixed income or to worry about your kid getting sick because you don't have health insurance. Plus, promising to vote against unemployment benefits further strengthens their populist street cred. Anyone care to try and top that?
Kelly Ayotte touted her five years as state attorney general, during which she fought for parental notification of a minor's abortion. "I have a proven record of leadership," she said.
Hey, what do you know? Another "get government off our backs" Republican in favor of injecting government into the most intimate and sensitive of family matters. We've got a campaign slogan for you: Vote Ayotte: Consistently inconsistent for five years. Next.
Ovide Lamontagne underscored his experience as a lawyer and said he has the most specific agenda. His 15-point "Ovide's Oath" plan includes repealing the stimulus package and health care law and supporting employees' rights to unionize.
Ovide Lamontagne? That's way too ethnic of a name to go anywhere in the Republican party, but that's for playing. Next.
Dennis Lamare, an insurance agent from Lee, went for a populist slant. He said he knows what it's like to worry about job security and whether there's enough money to put food on the table. "I'm one of us," he said. "I sit at our tables. I go out with you. I work with you."
Yeah. You're one of us all right, Insurance agent. You take our money promising you'll be there when we need you, then when we do need you it turns out that hangnail we had back in third grade qualifies as a pre-existing condition and so we''re not covered. Can't get much more populist than an insurance agent who's job is is to suck as much money as he can off his clients, then figure out ways not to pay it back when they need it. Where's the obligatory Tea Bagger?
Beloin introduced himself by saying the debate was the first time he spoke in front of a crowd in his life. He said he started a taxpayer watchdog group and will cut spending and taxes if elected.
Classic Tea Bag policy: After you shoot yourself in the foot, shoot yourself in the other foot.  Police and firemen are being laid off all over the country, schools are closing, roads are crumbling into dust, and the food supply is about as safe as that four week old half of a hamburger you found in your back seat. Definitely less taxes and lower government spending  is the answer. In bizarro land.

So these are the folks the democrats are going to lose to huh? If you need us we'll be downstairs waiting for Rod Serling's arrival.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the You Are What You Write Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YAWYW is a division of the I Know You Are But What Am I Corporation, in partnership with Projections R Us, LLC.

Frequent readers of this blog know settling is really the only victory...er...we mean know that every once in a while one or another of the overlords will step forward to defend their heartless, brutal industry sport usually through the surgical deployment of their logical prowess, rhetorical expertise and deep knowledge of their field. Also, name calling, whining and dissembling, but let's stick with the first three for now. In the past we have been treated to the argumentative stylings of people like Gary Guccione, Doug Pizzi and John Parker to name a few.

The general theme of overlord rebuttal to people who ask why exploiting innocent animals breeding dogs for greyhound racing, then tossing them aside like yesterday's newspaper moving heaven and earth to see that they are properly cared for after their careers are over is a proper career for a sentient being is to respond, "because SHUT UP!." Also, "You're ugly."

But lately a new issue has arisen that appears to have much more potential to harsh the overlords' mellow than anything the animal right wackos could do. To wit:
So much for my summer boredom. Yesterday I was complaining that I had too much time on my hands. Today my wife alerted me to current lobbying activity by extremist Cary Theil (pronounced teal like the color..) here in Florida. Unlike the Massachusetts effort to end greyhound racing, this time Theil and his housemate crazy Christine Dorchak who have used their grey2k causes as their personal piggy-bank to fund their lavish lifestyle are joining forces with the track owners, who want to nix live racing and focus on poker and slot machines.
Now, as you can see the first part of this paragraph contains the traditional overlord opening attacking Theil and Dorchak by accusing them of using the plight of greyhounds as an excuse to suck money off of clueless citizens who are naive enough to think that innocent living creatures ought not to be treated  as ATM machines by walking bags of wasted protein.

Psychologists call this projection because if you take out Theil and Dorchak and put in overlords, then take out citizens and put in rubes you have...well...greyhound racing.

It's the second part of that passage we'd like to draw your attention to:
...track owners, who want to nix live racing and focus on poker and slot machines.(emphasis ours)
As that roustabout philosopher and all around raconteur Scooby Doo might say, "Ruh Ro."  The track owners are like the overlords' Overlords because they own the real estate. No track to race on, no racing. This is a new development and to respond the overlords have developed an ad campaign aimed at the track owners with the slogan "Don't phase me out. Bro!"

Just kidding. We do, however feel obligated to point out that this is an example of Ironicus at it's Maximus. Think about it, the overlords are all like we luuuuves us some greyhounds as long as said greyhounds are filling the till. After that it's all hey, nothing personal Fido, just business. Now the track owners, who were staunch defenders and supporters of the overlords as long as they were filling the till are all like hey, nothing personal dude, just business. Karma Caniculae est!

Well, as you may imagine the overlords rise to this challenge as they have risen to every challenge before and vigorously defend  their right to scratch a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals.

One of Theil and Dorchak's largest donors is the Humane Society of the United States which cons old ladies out of their social security checks by making them think the HSUS actually runs animal shelters-- which is not true at all.
 Yeah! What you think of us now track owners? HSUS baby! Wait. Wrong vigorous defense there bud. Try again.
In Massachusetts, greyhound racing was strictly supervised. I visited three different kennels, all of which were spotless. The hounds were happy and healthy. When let out of their crates they were overjoyed to see their handlers and were eager to play with them. Abused hounds do not act like this. To improve the quality of racing greyhounds in Florida, bay all means... lobby the legislature to adopt the standards that Massachusetts had!
OK, see here's the thing about that: When the people ended racing in Massachusetts the track owners were left with a whole lot of nothing because they didn't have poker and slots. Doesn't seem to be the best approach to remind them of that. Just saying.
But to end racing altogether, will cause the breed as we know (and LOVE) it to become extinct. I have seen greyhounds bred for show-- and the temperament is so very different.
Oh, hey now that's better. How about this: Ever wonder why you don't see horses anymore? Because when the internal combustion engine was invented and nobody rode them anymore they became extinct. Just like the greyhounds will if you don't let us keep avoiding real work by living off them. Now that's got some snap to it, right Grizzly?

Grizzly is friendly and affectionate. He will approach and put his nose in your face for pets. He is very easygoing, but gets excited when he sees his leash. He is will stare at you in the morning when he wants you to wake up. Grizzly would do best in a home with a family that is home more often or in a working family that has another dog to keep him company during the day. He would do well with well-mannered older children, 10 and up. He is fine as the only dog and would probably be fine with other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

And If Jesus Was Here Right Now He Would Totally Poke You In The Eye With A Sharp Stick

Hey, you know it's hard out there for a christian. You try and stand up for the lord and The Man slaps you down. Yesterday we told you about Pastor Don who, figuring that the the all mighty, omniscient, omnipresent, timeless ruler of the universe was having metaphorical sand kicked in his face by a bunch of high school kids decided to intervene on behalf of the apparently somewhat milquetoast deity, and what happened?
Warner Robins police spokeswoman Tabitha Pugh says officers asked Crosby and the group to leave. Crosby refused and was arrested, she says. Others in the group dropped the protest.
The Man slaps you down. Well, in this case The Woman, but that only makes it worse. We mean, would Mary Magdalene tell Jesus to take his sandals off before he came in the house because she just swept the dirt and those holy feet sure don't look like they've been walking on water?  No way.

That brings us to today's sad tale of another one of the 228 million christians in this country being oppressed by the...um...rest of the people who are...ah...like...erm...one forth of the population. OK never mind.  The point is, our good friend Terry Jones has figured out that the Islamo-people have been reading this book that says Allah is all like way cooler than Jesus and that's why they're out all over the place running around and busting stuff up. Of course Pastor Terry knows Jesus is much too nice to get out the holy smite on these rag heads, so he figures the next best thing is for him to step in and to go all Fahrenheit 451 on their falafel eating buttocks.

Now, you don't have to be one of them fancy theologians to know Jesus would be totally down with this, but what happens?
Gainesville city officials have denied a burn permit for a church that plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11. Interim Fire Chief Gene Prince said Wednesday that an open burning of books is not allowed under the city's burning ordinance.
The Man steps in and slaps you down. At least it is a man this time. But you know, when the eternal ruler of the universe is under attack from a bunch of folks who only want to go back to the 13th century, you just can't take no for an answer. Pastor Don said it best:
"I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."
And Jesus appreciates the effort too, we're sure Pastor Don. Now, you may not be rewarded with 72 virgins for your martyrdom, but we have to believe that when you get to the pearly gates Jesus is going to remember that when it came to inappropriately named high school sports teams, you had his back. What about you Pastor Terry, do you have the fire? Uh...the fire of faith we mean, we're figuring you already had someone lay in a supply of lighter fluid for the books and stuff.
In an e-mail sent out Wednesday, the church said, "City of Gainesville denies burn permit — BUT WE WILL STILL BURN KORANS."
Oh amen Padre, amen. It's just like Jesus said, "Lay the beatdown on old Abdul if he can't get his mind right with god." Or words to that effect. We're paraphrasing here.

One technical question though Pastor Terry. Jesus is written about in the Qu'ran. When you burn them are you going to burn the parts that say he was the messenger of god sent to the people of Israel, or are you going to cut those parts out and just burn the Islamoterrorist manual on how to blow up Americans part?

Personally, we'd go with cutting parts out like Thomas Jefferson used to do with the parts of the bible he didn't like. Lord knows that man was all for opening up a cold can o' christian whupass on them musselman fellers.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Oh, Like You'd Rather Be The Banana Slugs*

We're coming to you today from the Some People Need More To Do Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SPNMTD is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Get A Life Corporation in partnership with Pay Attention To Me Dammit, Inc.

It seems Satan has laughed in Pastor Donald Crosby's face once to often, and now the good Padre has gone all Temple and the moneychangers on old Ned's wrinkly buttocks.
A pastor arrested Monday for protesting Warner Robins High School's "Demon" nickname and mascot says he was just standing up for Jesus -- and he'd do it again.
Yeah, well, see, here's the thing Pastor Don--do you mind if we call you Pastor Don? Doofus seems overly formal. Anyway, the point is you're talking about Jesus here, son of god, the guy who turned water into wine, raised the dead, healed the sick, came back from the dead, you know, god stuff. Now, we're just speculating, but we really don't think a guy like that needs a sixth grade dropout with a divinity degree from Walmart to fight his battles for him. Just a thought.
Pastor Donald Crosby said the school's demon logo just encourages children to evil. He criticized other Christians who, he says, are singing in church while their children are being taught to praise demons.
OK we think we see the source of your confusion. See, when you go to sporting events and hear people shouting "Go Demons" and Yay Demons," they're not summoning Beelzebub, they're using a grammatical construction called a collective noun, in this case the team name Demons. This enables them to efficiently and enthusiastically cheer for all the kids on the team at once instead of having to mention each team member individually. You have to admit "Fight Demons fight" is much more succinct than "Fight Timmy and Billy and George and John and the other John and Mike and Phillip and Rick and Tommy and Fred and Marcy Fight." Also it detracts from the spontaneity of the event when fans need to consult cheat sheets to make sure their cheers cover everyone. (Uh...Marcy?)

A bit of an aside: If Demons is the name of the sports teams, what are the girls' teams called? The Lady Demons? Rather androgynous don't you think?  The Demonettes? Too musical. The Fighting Succubi? Probably a violation of some statutory prohibitions, but back to our story.
"Demons aren't lazy, Christians are," Crosby said.
 That's better Pastor Don. Not exactly the most rousing of cheers, and Warner Robins High School doesn't play any teams called the Christians, but you've got the basic idea.
The pastor says a 15-year-old, who he has legal custody of, is zoned for the school, and he doesn't want him exposed to the name's evil connotations.
Right, because god told Adam and Eve to stay away from the tree of knowledge and following that advice has worked out so well for you.
The boy, who Crosby would not identify, did not start classes at Warner Robins High, Monday. Crosby says he is considering "other options" for the child's education. Crosby says the 9th grader has received threats since he began protesting the demon mascot.
You know, Pastor Don, if the kid is getting threats that means everybody already knows who he is and refusing to identify him is sort of a waste of time. Just saying. Also, making the kid watch Hooked of Phonics videos over and over does not qualify as "other options" where his education is concerned.
School officials say they have no plans to change the name.
Ouch. Well listen Pastor Don, don't despair. If it doesn't work out for you in Georgia, we hear folks in North Carolina are looking for some help.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Open Carry! It's Way Better Than A Sock In Your Pants

When we were small Ironicii we used to enjoy a rousing episode of Cowboys and Indians. Mostly we got to be cowboys due to our matched set of chrome plated cap-guns, complete with fringe trimmed holsters. OK, maybe not chrome plated--more like shiny plastic, but the accoutrement that really sealed the deal for us was our authentic cowboy hat which our old daddy brought home to us from his extensive travels out west. Or maybe he found it behind a Bar, we were never sure.

The other thing we weren't sure about was what to do with the gun in the right holster, since we were left handed. Sure we could change once we'd emptied the first gun, but that was a little awkward, as we had to holster the first gun, then pull the second gun out with our right hand, and  switch as we couldn't hit anything shooting right handed. Once John Bianchi, the designated Indian, figured that out he would immediately launch a counter attack upon hearing clicking of our empty pistol which often resulted in the historical inaccuracy of the Indians actually winning, and our untimely deaths.

Even that wasn't terrible though as we were great diers. Positively Shakespearean. Well, we tell you all of this by way of fond remembrance, and to say that eventually (right around the discovery of girls and alcohol) we outgrew our Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene coated six shooters,  fringed holsters, authentic cowboy hat, and the desire to roam the neighborhood in search of the Bianchi tribe's tepee--which was usually a blanket thrown over the clothesline in his backyard. Apparently some of our contemporaries did not.
Coming to Royal Oak this Labor Day weekend: The city's first Arts, Beats &; Eats festival -- and the first one allowing open-carry guns.
Well, in the gun owners' defense the word Beat is right there in the title,. They do have a right to protect themselves you know. Plus Artists can be notoriously unstable. That Van Gogh guy? Carried a knife. Wasn't too good with it we hear, but you never know when someone might get lucky.
"The fact that the city recognized the law and supported the hundreds of thousands of people who carry firearms every day is a huge victory," said Scott Webb, regional coordinator for Michigan Open Carry Inc.
"Hundreds of thousands"? Umm...will there be a beer tent? Maybe we'll just take in a movie that weekend.
"It's been a complex issue," said Jon Witz, the festival's organizer, but he said he supported the commission's decision. "We don't anticipate any incidents" at the festival, Witz said.
Yeah...complex issue. Allow emotionally stunted manboys with penis issues to run around armed like it's World War III, or have a family oriented festival at which adults act like adults and drink too much, and children eat and run until they puke. Complex indeed. And "We don't anticipate any incidents"? Isn't that what Wyatt Earp said on his way down to the OK Corral? An "incident" that wouldn't have occurred by the way, if the three cowboys had been not been allowed to bring their guns into town as the town ordinance ordered. Just saying.
Some residents and festival supporters balked at the idea of guns at a family-friendly venue, one saying it "has turned the city into a circus."
Well, that might be true, but who's going to walk up to some dude packing heat and call him a clown, huh? He had enough of that in high school. That's why he's carrying in the first place. That and chicks dig big guns.
"It doesn't seem like this is the place for that," said Tom Krell, who attended the meeting. "Why do you need to bear arms at an event where families go to have a good time?"
Hey. Have you seen the way kids act today? Next little rug rat that cuts in the elephant ear line is gonna get a lead spanking.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Can You Advertise For A Senator On Craigslist?

OK, we think we have this figured out: Basically, no one wants to govern us. You can't blame the politicians really, we mean look at us. On the right, we're a country full of overfed, undereducated bigots who wouldn't recognize their own self interest if it came up and spit on their shoes. And the left? A bunch of latte' sipping professional complainers who are probably on drugs. Did we say probably?

The Democrats have already realized the soft bigotry of any expectations which is why they're doing everything they can to lose the next election which, you might suppose, should be great news for Republicans. But, it turns out Republicans aren't as stupid as we've been lead to believe because they've come up with new and innovative ways not to get elected.

Take Colorado for instance. A while back we told you about the secret UN plot discovered by Republican candidate Don Maes in which red blooded NASCAR Americans were to be slowly turned into Tour de France fans.

Well, it turns out Republicans picked Mr. Maes in the primary, we guess because he was the sane one, or maybe it was just to tick off Tom Tancredo who wanted the nomination, but didn't have time to mess with all that pesky campaigning and voting stuff--so inefficient, especially now that you don't have to be white, or a land owner to vote.

Yet democracy's hopeful call rang out once again over the land, the people spoke and the world moved on. Or so you might think.

Apparently winning an election doesn't mean what it used to because, even though Mr. Maes was selected by a majority of voters, Dick Wadhams, head of the Republican party in Colorado is concerned that Mr. Maes will not lose well enough, so he wants the candidate to withdraw and give the spot to someone who can lose better.
The message from Republicans is that there will be no outside money and no fundraising assistance for Maes if he stays in the race, but if he drops out there could be support for him for future opportunities.
 Now, we know most of you are not well versed enough in the sophisticated machinations of high level national politics, so let us explain. The situation with Mr. Maes is merely an outgrowth of a policy started in the Bush administration. However, it has matured in that under Bush you had to fail before you were promoted, but in this case, Mr. Maes will earn unspecified "future opportunities" if he withdraws now. In other words, by failing before he fails, he will have succeeded in furthering the goals of the Republican party which is to force John Hickenlooper, the Democratic candidate to take the job of governor. It's sort of like if Bush had sent Michael Brown to New Orleans a week before Katrina hit so he could tear down all the bridges out of town.

It remains to be seen if such a multi-layered, sophisticated strategy can work for the Republicans, but it does beat the alternative which is having the winner go after the loser with a gun.
Bell alleges that, on his way home to Jefferson City on August 4th, he happened by Nieves' campaign office and noticed the car of Nieves' campaign treasurer, Dave Bailey, parked outside. Not seeing Nieves car, Bell told police he decided to stop to congratulate Bailey. But no sooner did he offer his congratulations to Bailey than he was surprised by Nieves.  "He then pulled out a black gun out [sic] of his pocket and made sure that I saw it and set it on a table. He told me he was going to kill me. I began to curl up into a ball and break down in fear and was yelling for help."
Man, victory celebrations are not what they used to be. Still, you have to be a little sympathetic towards Mr. Nieves. We mean, the guy probably woke up the day after the election, was sipping his morning coffee while glancing through the paper and it hit him, "Crap! I'm a Republican. Now I have to vote against jobs, against the environment, against health care and social security."

Yeah, but look at the bright side, Mr. Nieves, at least you aren't a Democrat who has to cave on all those issues because big meanies go on Fox news and call you names.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we feel we owe you an apology. No, not for the amount of time you spend reading this blog, that's the result of your own lack of a proper upbringing, but for the mistaken impression we may have given you that the overlords are at the center of the greyhound exploitation racing industry. Now it's true they are a major component in the heartless mistreatment of innocent animals sport, but there is another group of people without whom even the overlords would be powerless to inflict pain, suffering and meaningless death on helpless greyhounds maintain their industry.

We speak, of course, of the rubes. In our defense we have to say that we haven't totally ignored them, but aside form the occasional disquisition into their dearth of common sense, rationality and the intelligence god gave a turnip bulb, we have remained essentially silent on the matter.

But wait a minute Ironicus, you say. Are you telling us there are creatures on this planet that possess even lower levels of brain functionality than the overlords themselves?  People who willingly participate in this wholesale barbarity called greyhound racing and who support it with their few remaining dollars? Is that what you expect us to believe Ironicus, because we find that rather incredible.

Yep, that about covers it. And not only that, they think they can make a living at it.


OK, think about that for a moment. If it were even remotely possible to make $500 per day betting on greyhounds using any sort of system, or method, or by reading chicken bones, don't you think people would be flocking to the tracks with the system, or method, or chicken bones grasped tightly in their gullible little hands?
I developed the system via trial and error.  It took me approximately 100 hours over the course of about six months.
Oh. Well, excuse us. We didn't realize your system had undergone such an intensive R&D period. One hundred hours--that's like twice the amount of time they spent planning the moon missions, right?
My system will teach you how to easily handicap the field, which bets to make and how to manage your money.  It does not matter if you are a beginner or an expert, my system is for you.  It’s EASY!
Now this kind of makes sense. After all we're talking about people who want to invest in the suffering of animals because they think they can profit from callousness and cruelty. It has to be easy because anything more complicated than flipping a coin is probably beyond them.
The cost of my system is only $49.95 U.S.
 Ah. Well now we know how he averages $500 a day, huh Allianz?

Allianz is very gentle. He is recovering from a broken leg and is starting to show some playful behavior. He is very sweet and good natured. He is very affectionate and he will follow you like a shadow and nuzzle you. He will press against the other dogs when he is walking with them. He will also nuzzle with the family’s greys. He is a happy tail wagger. He is starting to pick up toys. Allianz would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes. He would probably do well as an only dog with a family that has someone home more often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Oh, And Boyle's Law? Not Mentioned Anywhere In The Bible

Now, see, this doesn't surprise us in the least. In fact, astute reader(s) of this blog have probably left to look up astute in the dictionary...er...we mean may have sensed their fellow Americans slow untethering from reality in previous IM posts like this one, or this one.

So, the defrocking of Einstein the liberal pinko? Not really news here in the marbled halls. Still, the evidence is rather...erm...unique.

First of all there are the "anomalies." Anomalies, man anomalies! Do you know what that means? Of course you don't because you probably went and learned science from one of those scientist guys. All atheists, did you know that? Anyway, the point is when Einstein wasn't busy reading Das Kapital he came up with this theory and even though experiment after experiment had confirmed his predictions over the years, there are still a situations that don't fit the model exactly...so...whole theory's crap. And never mind that the Pioneer anomaly has several explanations, Einstein's theory purports to explain the fundamental workings of the entire universe man, there shouldn't be any anomalies in the first place! We mean, god created the world in six days a little over 6000 years ago. No "anomalies" there, right?

Not enough for you? How about this one: The failure to discover gravitons, despite wasting hundreds of millions in taxpayer money in searching. Now, even a Presbyterian knows that if you look for something and don't find it, it's not there. Plus, taxpayer money! Obvious redistribution of wealth, eh comrade Alfred?

Ooo! Ooo! Here's a good one: Data from the PSR B1913+16 increasingly diverge from predictions of the General Theory of Relativity such that, despite a Nobel Prize in Physics being awarded for early work on this pulsar, no data at all have been released about it for over five years. Oh Yeah baby! Except...ah...no.

OK, how about this one: Relativity predicted that clocks at the Earth's equator would be slower than clocks at the North Pole, due to different velocities; in fact, all clocks at sea level measure time at the same rate. Sure the predicted difference is only a nanosecond per day, but what if you had to catch a bus or something? 

Still not convinced? What are you, a Buddhist? OK, it's time for the coup de grace: Relativity fails not because the guy who thought it up was a Jew, but because of the action-at-a-distance by Jesus, described in John 4:46-54.Yeah, you read that right. We'll see your Einstein and raise you a Jesus. We call it going all in for the lord. Supernatural explanations for natural phenomena FTW!!

Next up: Logarithms, mathematical tool, or sign of Satan?

Monday, August 09, 2010

Tancredo for Governor! Motto: I Won't Even Buy A Brown Suit

Hey, Tom Tancredo is running for governor of Colorado because...um...white people have been held down too long? Frequent readers of this blog live by the motto Life Is Short, Let's Have A Drink...er...we mean remember Mr. Tancredo from several previous visits in which we documented his meteoric rise from unknown ignorant bigot to Grand Dragon. Or Congressman, whichever. Maybe both.

Well, one thing you can say about Mr. Tancredo now that his political career is over is he isn't content to sit on the sidelines and watch his beloved Colorado turn into another Arizona. Unless of course you mean that part of Arizona that would like to outlaw melanin levels above those naturally occurring in polar bear coats. Nosireebob. He's not the type of person to stand idly by while certain segments of the population have injustice visited upon them. Well, unless those segments happen to be brown, which is sort of the whole point of his campaign.

Now before you get all up on your high horse and go accusing Mr. Tancredo of being a racist ideologue you should know that he has left the republican party to run as an independent in the Constitution Party (motto: This county's been going downhill since they threw out the 3/5's clause), so he's obviously not an ideologue.

You should also know that this isn't the way Tom wanted to say good-bye to his republican friends, but after he told the two republican primary candidates to get out of the race after the election so he could run, and they refused, what choice did he have? Is it possible for a man to love his country and his state too much?

So, now not only does Mr. Tancredo have to fight against people who think your rights as a citizen shouldn't be connected to your need for high SPF products, he has to battle those very members of his erstwhile party who think just because they chose someone else in their primary, that person should be the nominee.

Where do people get ideas like that anyway?

We wish you well in your quest, Mr. Tancredo. We hope the people of Colorado realize what a treasure they have in a person like yourself, a person who could have just as easily been organizing StormFront swap meets or researching Jew lies about the Holocaust, but instead chose to share his gift with his white brethren as a public servant who believes deeply in the promise of America and its heritage--particularly that part about the country being founded by white guys who owned slaves.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the sweet kiss of acquiescence and the gentle caress of surrender...er...we mean know that we occasionally share our thoughts with you after imbibing a few adult beverages. This is not without precedence in the art world, and while some may argue that this blog doesn't come within a parsec of the art world, we would respond by saying affectation is the very soul of ill considered mimicry.

Well, anyway the point is that even if our ruminations on the world extant are occasionally skewed because of Ernest Hemingway Mojito night, or Edgar Degas Absinthe afternoon, or Dylan Thomas Whiskey week, or some combination thereof, there are also those times, rare as they may be which, because of the bizarre and outlandish news we bring you may assume we've been participating in Humphrey Bogart Martini morning when in fact we have not.

This is one of those times. Whilst innocently perusing the overlord neighborhood of the inter toobz looking for a bit of wackiness to bring your way, we ran across an example so clueless, so lacking in even a scintilla of sense, so dumfoundedly disconnected from reality that for a moment we thought we had unknowingly wandered into another episode of the F. Scott Fitzgerald Gin Rickey revival.

It's pretty well established that, as a group, the overlords are not the brightest LED in the display, but this person sets a new standard in, well, see for yourself:
Greyhound racing is growing in popularity.
Ah, that explains all the tracks closing.
And with this increase in popularity comes the wish to get more involved. No longer are people satisfied with having a punt, they want to get involved in the excitement of owning their own dog through greyhound syndication.
Exactly. Why be satisfied with losing the social security money two bucks at a time when you can pour all of it directly into an overlord's trailer payment at once?
Imagine not only the excitement of a winning bet, but the jubilation of seeing your own greyhound win.
Yeah, and it's just that easy too. Buy a greyhound, watch it win. Bridge in Brooklyn anyone?
If you are keen to take that next step and become more involved in the industry you have two options: outright ownership or greyhound syndication.
Well, truth is if you're "keen to take that next step" you probably ran out of options long ago. If you had any to begin with.
Starting a syndicate with your friends is a great way for the beginner to get involved as the syndicate will usually have a manager who is an expert in the racing industry. This means you do not have to invest a lot of time and money educating yourself and making expensive mistakes.
Right, because you already made the most expensive mistake you're going to make.
If you want to get involved through this syndication, you need to find yourself a greyhound pup or a ready to race dog.
OK, when you have to tell people who want to get into greyhound racing that they have to start with a greyhound you know you're not dealing with the world's most sophisticated investors, right Bart?

Bart is a little shy and unsure of himself. He is sweet and loves attention. He is easygoing, quiet and mellow. He will approach and lean against you for attention. He follows his foster mom around the house like a shadow. He is a quick learner. Bart would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably do best in a home with another dog to show him the ropes. He is a little nervous when walking, so he would do best in a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

You Know Who Else Rode Bicycles? Hitler.

OK we think we've got this figured out. Osamabama--who is black by the way--the stealth Mussleman Kenyan pseudo-president planted by the Islamofascistcommieninjashadowwarriors is not the real problem. In fact, he's no problem at all, but merely a dodge to draw attention away from the real threat to god, democracy and happy motoring in this here home of the brave and land of the Walmart SuperCenter.

See, while everyone is watching comrade Barack Hussein go through the motions of trying to take your guns away and make you gay marry your health care provider or be sentenced to...uh...recycling by the local death panel, the real erosion of what the founding fathers went to Divinity School to create is happening at a much lower level and in a much less obvious way.

But no more! Right Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes?
Maes is warning voters that Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's policies, particularly his efforts to boost bike riding, are "converting Denver into a United Nations community."
In. Your. Face. Hickleblooper, or Hickenhopper, or whatever your name is. Sounds German to us. You know who else was German? Hitler. OK. Austrian, but who cares you United Nations community loving, bike riding, United Nations, threat to fossil fuel Americans everywhere guy you.
Maes said in a later interview that he once thought the mayor's efforts to promote cycling and other environmental initiatives were harmless and well-meaning. Now he realizes "that's exactly the attitude they want you to have."
Oh, thank Eight Cylinder Jebus for Dan Maes we say. He sees through the curtain of confusion they have thrown over their nefarious plans. He knows what they are thinking and he understands how they are fooling with us, tricking us into thinking what they want us to think.
"This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms," Maes said.
 OK Dan, you're going to have to tell us how big this looks on the surface because we're looking here and we just don't see it.
"These aren't just warm, fuzzy ideas from the mayor. These are very specific strategies that are dictated to us by this United Nations program that mayors have signed on to."
 Mayors? Mayors? As in more than one? Cripes Dan, you've uncovered a national conspiracy here. Are you being careful man? Are you taking precautions? These people obviously will stop at nothing to...uh...build bike paths and you have become the biggest threat to their agenda. You got to be careful man, or you may find yourself walking down the street one day and suddenly you're surrounded by a bunch of UN Ambassadors on Trekbikes. Just saying.
Maes said in a later interview that he was referring to Denver's membership in the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives, an international association that promotes sustainable development and has attracted the membership of more than 1,200 communities, 600 of which are in the United States. Maes said ICLEI is affiliated with the United Nations and is "signing up mayors across the country, and these mayors are signing on to this U.N. agreement to have their cities abide by this dream philosophy." The program includes encouraging employers to install showers so more people will ride bikes to work and also creating parking spaces for fuel-efficient vehicles, he said.
  Showers at work? What is this, Soviet Russia? This is a gonzo slippery slope that could mean America would get clothes lined, go endo and do a face plant in the death cookies Dan and we commend you for having the courage to step forward to warn your fellow non-institutionalized patriots. Who knows where this could lead, maybe Day Care Centers at work? Complete with a picture of Joseph Stalin on the wall no doubt.
"At first, I thought, 'Gosh, public transportation, what's wrong with that, and what's wrong with people parking their cars and riding their bikes? And what's wrong with incentives for green cars?' But if you do your homework and research, you realize ICLEI is part of a greater strategy to rein in American cities under a United Nations treaty," Maes said
 Oh, you've sold us Dan. Despite the fact that only the Federal Government can make treaties, and we think you're right not to trust that nice doctor fellow who wants you to take those pills.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Milkbones: The Muslim Secret Weapon

We're coming to you today from the Yeah, Whatever Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YW is a division of the Heard It All Before Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Tell Me Something I Don't Know, Inc.

By now you've all heard about the Bubbas being taken to the fainting couches because the dirty mooslims want to reconstruct Mecca in Lower Manhattan so they can snatch women off the streets and dress them in Burkas made of the Constitution while the men are shipped off to FEMA camps, forced to grow beards and eat falafel three times a day until they become suicide bombers.

Frankly, we're a little confused by all this since the Bubbas hate New York City almost as much as they hate Musselmens, what with it being the capitol of liberal, elitist, latte drinking Birkenstock wearing ,college graduates and all. Plus, the Yankees.

Guess they figure it's easier to hate people than places. Anyway it turns out the movement has gone national because now wherever the Ali Babbas try to get out of the rain, there you will find the followers of Christ laying that good old bible smackdown on them. Old testament style.
Plans to build a permanent mosque near two existing Temecula churches are expected to be the target of an organized protest next week.
Man. Talk about there goes the neighborhood. Got old Allah moving in right next door to Jesus, Mary and Joseph like this is some sort of affirmative action suburb or something.
An e-mail alert sent to area newspapers last week announced that a one-hour "singing – praying – patriotic rally" at the Islamic Center’s existing facility. The advisory – sent by a leader of a conservative coalition that has been active with Republican and Tea Party functions – recommended participants "bring your Bibles, flags, signs, dogs and singing voices."
OK, the my god is better than your god peeing contest we can understand. Seen that lots of times before. But, dogs?
It suggested that rally participants bring dogs because Muslims "hate dogs."
 Look pal, if you want to go through life an ignorant bigot fine, but let's not go dragging the pooches into this. Besides, Muslims don't hate dogs. Check it:
The historian William Montgomery Watt states that Muhammad's kindness to animals was remarkable for the social context of his upbringing. He cites an instance of Muhammad posting sentries to ensure that a female dog with newborn puppies was not disturbed by his army traveling to Mecca in the year 630.

According to one story, Muhammad is said to have informed a prostitute who had seen a thirsty dog hanging about a well and given it water to drink that Allah forgave her because of that good deed.
Got to believe old Muhammad wouldn't have been a big fan of greyhound racing too. Dude talked to animals:
In one account, a camel is said to have come to Muhammad and complained that despite service to his owner, the animal was about to be killed. Muhammad summoned the owner and ordered the man to spare the camel.
OK, stop us if you've heard this one...Muhammad and St. Francis of Assisi walk into a bar with a talking camel...

Well, the point is we've long gotten used to people hiding their hate behind the mask of religion. In fact, if we were more mathematically inclined we might even be able to discern the value of the inverse proportion between tolerance and  religiosity, but what's really grinding our gonads is these  cementheads want to take dogs, who will basically like anybody who gives them a scratch or a biscuit and use them to advertise their owners narrow minded xenophobia.

Hey Billie Bob, what's this do to your theory?

Got to feel sorry for dogs owned by people that stupid, don't you?