Friday, April 28, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we told you that the state of New Hampshire (motto: We're slow, but we ain't dead) was wondering if sending money to the greyhound tracks to keep the overlords in cigarettes wasn't what you would call a sound fiscal policy.

Well, it looks like that pesky reality leaked into the state house because earlier this week the legislators voted to end the subsidies after 43 years.

“The subsidy was created decades ago when racetrack owners cut a deal with lawmakers,’’ said state Senator Sheila Roberge. “Since then we've all pledged to stop legislating when we're drunk.’’

State Senate Majority Leader Robert Clegg, was one of three senators to switch his vote. He said it was because the subsidy violates the state Constitution that requires the aid to go to public schools.

When asked why it took him 43 years to figure that out he said he "reads real slow, and there's a lot of big words in the Constitution."

Hmmm...Maybe if that money hadn't been diverted form the schools in the first place, the good Senator could have figured it a a few years back, right Eve?

Eve is a little goofy and playful. She is friendly, smart, and outgoing. She jumps around and pounces in a play stance for attention and love. She will also nuzzle in when the other dogs are getting attention. Overall Eve's a good little girl - she likes to be in the same room as her foster parents or in the hallway where she can see them. If you get down on the floor and talk to her she'll roll on her back for belly rubs and she likes to put her feet on you. She gets very happy in the morning when you first wake up; she wants a lot of pets. She loves stuffed toys and likes to collect them to her bed. One of the other dogs in the home waits for the chance and retrieves the toys back. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Secretary Rumsfeld, Now That You've Wrecked The Middle East, What's Next? "I'm Going To Disneyland!"

OK, here's our question. Is secretary of defense Rumsfeld like, not sending out Christmas cards or something? Is he forgetting birthdays? We ask because today we read this about the smackdown Lord Rummy is getting from his former peeps:

Major General Paul Eaton concluded that the defense secretary was "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically, and is far more than anyone responsible for what has happened to our important mission in Iraq. Let me put that in layman's terms," Eaton continued. "The man wouldn't know a sound military idea if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the...well, you get the picture."

Oh, it's that whole screwed up the war thing again. Got it.

Major General John Batiste, who led the 1st Infantry Division said he "served under a secretary of defense who didn't understand leadership, who was abusive, who was arrogant, who didn't build a strong team. In other words, Rumsfeld's about as good at military strategy as George Bush is at being president."

Hmmm...that's a low blow. Low bar too.

Major General Charles Swannack, the former commander of the elite 82nd Airborne Division in Iraq stressed that culpability for abuses at Abu Ghraib prison leads "directly back to secretary Rumsfeld. Responsibility is on him like stink on a dog turd."


"Considering the level at which these generals operated, the things they've been saying mean Rumsfeld's tha W-to-tha-izzorst joke in tha world," said Brigadier General. David R. Irvine, an Army Reserve strategic intelligence officer.

Fer shizzle.

So how does our "embattled" secretary of defense respond? Well, first he heads for the Rush Limbaugh show.

Now, because we have a lot of respect for our readers and like to uphold a high degree of professionalism on this blog we aren't going to stoop to the level of saying this is like little Rummy running to his mommy to talk about all the bad men who didn't like him.

We also aren't going to make any comments about whether Rush was stoned during the interview either because that would just detract for our insightful analysis of the comments of the generals, and the secretary's response:

Rumsfeld told Limbaugh he dismissed the barrage of reproach, suggesting that "the same kinds of criticism" had come and gone during all major American wars. "OK, well not from the wars we won, but when you look at all the boneheads in charge during Vietnam...wait a minute...let me rephrase that," he said. "Can I have some of what you got in that bottle?"

During a press conference last week, General Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, defended the man who appointed him. Rumsfeld did not appear to have a weapon.

"I am not speaking under duress," Pace said, reading from the tele-prompter. He said that the top brass had "multiple opportunities" to express their views, but Rumsfeld was seldom in the room at the time. "And when a decision's made by the secretary of defense," Pace said, "unless it's illegal or immoral, We go on about doing what we've been told to do."

Then Salon magazine revealed that Rumsfeld was personally involved in directing the harsh interrogation of a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, according to a sworn statement by an Army lieutenant general who investigated prisoner abuse at the U.S. base in Cuba.

"Uh...OK...I'm going to let the secretary take it from here," Pace said.

Rear Admiral John D. Hutson sees a "spontaneous combustion" behind the firestorm of criticism, rather than a coordinated attack by the generals on Rumsfeld. "A number of leaders seem to be coming to the same conclusions at the same time about how poorly the war is going," he said. "We don't get out much," he added in explanation to why it took so long.

The White House has made it clear that Rumsfeld will remain in his post. During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush reminded the nation, "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."

In response to the gales of laughter from the audience over his "decider" remark the president said he was no longer going to allow gay parents on the grounds.

Monday, April 24, 2006

President Determines Something Is "Unrealistic." Seventh Seal Broken

OK, a lot of people make fun of the president because he's...well...he's easy to make fun of. Can't talk, can't ride a bike, can't govern...stuff like that. If we were still in middle school he'd be the kid you push into the girl's john. Probably have red hair too.

Anyway, there are a few things the president knows a lot about and today he talked about one of them:

Bush said that those who are calling for massive deportation of the estimated 11 million foreigners living illegally in the United States are not being realistic. "Believe me I know unrealistic when I see it," the president said. "I've got plenty of experience with unrealistic. Unrealistic is my home town."

In addition to speaking, Bush was meeting with a bipartisan group of senators at the White House to press his case. "I don't know why they keep pointing out that the group is bipartisan," the president said. "Having two legs is normal. Why make a big deal of it?

Bush spoke in support of a stalled Senate bill that includes provisions that would allow for eventual citizenship to some of the illegal immigrants already here. Some conservatives say that would amount to amnesty. "Look. The way things are going I would think many members of Congress would want me to be thinking about amnesty right about now," Bush said.

The president said he thought the Senate "had an interesting approach by saying that if you'd been here for five years or less, you're treated terribly, and five years or more, you're treated badly. That's what I like about America, upward mobility."

Standing in the center of a theater in the round-type setting with an audience full of cardboard cutouts of Captain Picard, Bush spoke sympathetically about the plight of foreigners who risk their lives to sneak into the United States to earn a wage no citizen would work for. He said the U.S. needs a temporary guest worker program to stop people from paying to be smuggled in the back of a truck. "Think how many extra loads of Brussels Sprouts would get to market if we freed up all those trucks bringing people and put them to work hauling produce. Now that's what I call sound economic policy."

Bush said it's important to enforce border laws that are on the books and boasted that 6 million immigrants have been captured and turned back since he took office. "Well, if you don't count the people who turned right around and came back in, it's only 13, but still, we're making progress."

"You can be a nation of law and be a compassionate nation at the same time," he said to applause. "Just don't tell that to the folks in Guantanamo."

In a gesture to conservative critics of the measure, Republican leadership aides said last week that Senator Frist also will seek roughly $2 billion in immediate additional spending for border protection. "We're planning on using it to import tons of Chinese immigrants to take the jobs of the Mexicans, so they'll stay home." Frist told reporters. "Brilliant huh?"

Friday, April 21, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Man. Sometimes an overlord is about as welcome in polite society as a belch in church. Take this for example. Now you may say what's the big deal? Several states are in various stages of outlawing greyhound racing.

Sure, but those are racing states. Delaware never had greyhound racing in the first place. "Delaware's a nice state" said
state Senator George H. Bunting Jr. "The last thing we need is a bunch of third grade dropouts rolling into town in their '72 pickup trucks with the camper on the back trying to convince us we can get rich off a two dollar bet."


A bill now pending before Bunting's Senate Agriculture Committee would make dog racing illegal in Delaware. Currently, it also would prohibit breeders who raise and train greyhounds from operating in the state. "The sooner we let these people know that they're going to have to earn their own livings instead of sponging off the dogs, the sooner they'll be able to do something they're not ashamed to admit to their children they're doing."

Double ouch.

Jim O'Brien, secretary of the Greyhound Racing Association of America, said he sees no reason for the law. "It seems over the top to me," said O'Brien. "I don't know if there is an interest in building a track in Delaware but it takes a lot of money to do it and we're lucky to have enough money for the lot rental in the trailer park."

"This seems like a case of saying: 'Let's stop something before there's even an interest in it happening,' " he said.

We think that's precisely the point. Wouldn't you agree Suds?

Suds is laid back, mellow, happy, passive, sweet, loyal, and very affectionate. He will put his paw on your arm or leg when he wants more pets. He also leans on you and will follow you from room to room. He listens well and knows several commands. He has been in a home for about 8 years. He was returned twice, once when due to a divorce and now when his family's health no longer allows them to care for him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Somebody Buy A F***ing Thesaurus

Finally! A politician who tells it like she sees it. An elected official who's not afraid to stand up for what she believes in and not afraid to let us know about it. If only the rest of the cowering, poll slaves that inhabit the halls of Congress had one tenth the intestinal fortitude of this women, this country would be a whole lot better off.

Nobody expects to get a letter from a member of Congress that ends with an expletive. But a letter to one of Representative Jo Ann Emerson's (R-MoFo) constituents ended with a profane, seven-letter insult beginning with the letter a — "i think you're an. ..."

Emerson says she can't explain how the offensive language made it into the letter. "Some dips***t taking f***ing dictation has the brains of a f***ing rock. We just don't f***ing talk like a bunch of f***ing sailors around here. Stupid son of a b***h."

Except for the profane reference, the letter otherwise reads like a typical response to a citizen's question about last year's testimony of oil executives before the Senate Commerce Committee. "This is f***ing Missouri for C****t's sake," said an aide to the Congresswoman. "People get all apes*** crazy if you go around talking like that. There's a bunch of really crazy conservative f***s around here."

"We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by some d**k within the office or by some f***ing b*****d with access to the office, but it is on my f***ing letterhead and the f***ing responsibility for it lies with me." Emerson told reporters.

"S**t. A valuable lesson has been learned and new procedures will be adopted as a result. First off, from now on, anyone who swears in the office will have to put a dollar in the profanity jar. Got that a**holes? Oh, s**t. Anybody got change for a five?"

The man who received the letter declined to comment when reached by phone at his home. "The b***h is crazy," he told reporters. "I don't want her coming up here and getting in my face."

Spokesman Jeff Connor said that Emerson personally signed the letter, dated Feb. 15. She included a handwritten personal message at the bottom: "PS - please forgive the delay in responding, d***head."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I'm The Liar Who Lied About Your Lies Until I Can Lie No More (That's A Lie)

One of these men is looking for a job.

Calm down. It's the man on the left. Had you for a moment there, didn't we?

A Bush administration shake-up continued with White House press secretary Scott McClellan announcing his resignation. When asked how shuffling insiders into different offices could be considered a shakeup, McClellan responded that he didn't have to explain "The Idiot In Chief's boneheadedtry" any more and as far as he was concerned the whole press corps could "Suck eggs and die."

Then the president entered the room and McClellan said “I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary.” Bush replied, "Great Job...Scott isn't it?"

In other "shake-up" news, presidential advisor Karl Rove was struck by lightening on the south lawn and a voice from the heavens was heard to say "Even a deity can only take so much." The smell of sulfur was heavy in the air for hours afterward.

Got you again didn't we?

A senior administration official revealed another move in the ongoing shake-up of Bush’s staff, saying Rove, the president's longtime confidant and adviser, is giving up oversight of policy development to focus more on politics with the approach of the fall midterm elections.

When asked what policy development Rove had oversight responsibility for, the official replied "Developing policies to help us win elections."

For now, Rove's old job of deputy chief of staff for policy is being given to Joel Kaplan, now the White House’s deputy budget director who was Bolten's No. 2 person at the Office of Management and Budget.

Now that's a shakeup with a capital shake.

At least for the time being, the promotion of Kaplan would leave Bush with three deputy chiefs of staff: Rove, Kaplan and Joe Hagin, who oversees administrative matters, intelligence and other national security issues."

We're not really sure how all three of us are going to get our noses up the president's butt at the same time," Kaplan said, "But we're working on that and hope to have a solution for you by the time the new press secretary is appointed."

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Guess They Won't Be Needing Reference Letters

Man. It looks like it's a race between vice president Cheney and secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld to see who is the badder gansta. We were giving Cheney the inside track because, come on, all Rumsfeld did was invade a country. How can you top shooting someone in the face and then making that person apologize to you?

We thought that about wrapped it up for the V POTUS, but it looks like Rumsfeld has gone him one better. What can be worse than being dissed by your own peeps?

A former NATO commander yesterday joined six other retired generals in calling for U.S. defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld's resignation. "I believe secretary Rumsfeld couldn't plan his way out of a paper bag. Even if one end was open," General Wesley Clark told Fox News Channel.

Fox News Channel? That's cold. That's like saying dawg still live with his momma or something. Fer shizzle.
Fox News Channel is supposed to be a safe place for the homey. It's where Cheney went to answer questions about his "hunting accident" so he didn't have to answer questions about his "hunting accident."

And what about Clark joining six other generals who said Rummy is lame. How many generals are there at the Pentagon anyway?

OK, so generally we wouldn't be this concerned about the relationship between the Rumster and his posse, but we're in the wind up before the pitch to attack Iran and it seems the boys are picking up their bats and balls and going home. So who's Rummy going to get to help him spread democracy--one tactical nuclear weapon at a time?

General Clark said Rumsfeld and Cheney had pushed the nation into war with Iraq, and said the invasion "had no connection" with the war on terror. "We were all like, 'do you know what this will do to our nation and America's standing in the world?' and they were all like 'do you know what it will do for our stock options?'" Clark said.

Asked whether it was appropriate to comment on the Defense Secretary's performance while the United States is at war, General Clark replied: "How do you declare war on a dude, man? They declared war on a dude. How do we invade a dude?"

Yo yo...Rumsfeld. Don't invade Iran. Just get Cheney to invite that
Ahmadinejad dude hunting.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Meet The New Boss...He Is The Old Boss

Ha! We knew this was coming. You've pushed the president a little too far, what with your boy in a bubble analogies and your clueless George label. Now you're going to see some leadership Buster, and you better be sitting up straight when it calls your name.

OK, we have no idea what that last sentence means. What we do know is that the president has put a firm hand on the rudder of the ship of state and now resolutely guides her past the reef of despair and out into the open sea of hope and opportunity.

Oops. Did it again. What we mean to say is Bush fired Andy Card and in a surprise move reached out from his inner circle to his semi-inner circle to tap Joshua Bolten as his new Chief of Staff.

Got 'cher bold leadership right here Mr. New York Times reading, latte sipping, French lover.

And we ain't done leadershipping yet.
Signaling the potential of a possible shake-up among president Bush's senile advisers, the new White House chief of staff told top presidential aides Monday to expect changes that "refresh and re-energize the team."

Oh, yeah baby! Welcome to the jungle boys and girls. Tell 'em what they're in for Mr. Bolten. Lay it on 'em. Light 'em up.

He invited anyone who is thinking of leaving before year's end to do so now.

Bam! How do you like us now Demoncrats? Ready for a little...wait a minute...what?

Bolten did not ask for anyone's resignation in his first Monday morning staff meeting with the president's senior aides, presidential spokesman Scott McClellan said. No one stepped forward to say they would leave, either, McClellan said. just thought...the know...umm...

McClellan said Bolten told the aides to expect "some changes and adjustments" after he's gone through the process of moving plants into his new office. At the same time, McClellan said that "you have to balance change with continuity."

Continuity? You mean you want things to continue like they have been?

Josh talked about how this is a time to refresh and re-energize the team and for all of us to renew our commitment to being able to walk and chew gum at the same time as we go forward," McClellan said. "And we're thinking brown ties to match our noses would do the trick. Oh, and we'll also need some more copies of that manual that tells us how to tell our elbows from a hole in the ground."

If anyone wants us we'll be down in the basement banging our heads on the floor.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

We've been telling the story of a man named Jed. Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. Oops. Wrong hillbilly. We've been telling you about Marlin Torguson the Mississippi millionaire who bought the The Lakes Region Greyhound Park for $4.1 million. "I believe it's my patriotic duty to support an industry characterized by low wage, no benefit jobs, exploited animals and rampant criminal activity," Torguson told reports as he wrote out yet another check.

Yeah. Well, good luck with that Mr. T. Turns out though that not everyone who buys a closed race track was dropped on their heads as a child.

The Geneva Lakes Greyhound Track and Simulcast Center has been sold for $7.95 million. Early indications are the property is being eyed for residential and commercial development, a city of Delavan official said.

"Look, we got 180 acres here that until a few months ago was populated by a few drunks, and some probation violators," said the official. "We think we can put the land to better use."

When asked about the greyhound owners, breeders and trainers who also frequented the park, the official said, "That's who I was talking about."

Geneva Lakes was the fourth of Wisconsin's five greyhound tracks to close. Only Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha remains. Hmmm. You're retired Lisa. Looking for an investment opportunity?

Lisa is very outgoing and affectionate. She is a loving, sweet, adorable, happy dog and her tail wags a lot. She approaches everyone for pets. She can be vocal and will bark for attention and when she feels like it. She enjoys playing with toys. She loves to have her picture takne and gets excited when you bring a camera out. She likes being close to people and loves to press her body against you. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Sometimes It's Too Easy

We have to admit to an embarrassment of riches around the hallowed halls of IM Central. Just when it seems the current troop of mooncalves in our nation's capitol have reached the upward limit of fatuity, something like this comes along.

Hurricane-ravaged St. Bernard Parish is considering hiring former FEMA chief Michael Brown to advise its hurricane recovery effort.

You really don't need us for the rest of this do you?

Didn't think so.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

But We Would Have Let Them Out On Work Release

We were saddened to see the that Republican's economic recovery plan was defeated in the house.

The two top Republicans in Congress, confronted with intermittent party attacks of conscience as well as attracting the attention of actual voters, said Tuesday they intend to pass immigration legislation that does not subject illegal immigrants to prosecution as felons.

"This was really a sweet deal for America," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "Not only would declaring 11 million people felons have created all sorts of job openings in the criminal justice field, but it would have helped the construction industry as well."

When asked to explain,
Representative James Sensenbrenner, (R-Whitey) said that a massive building campaign to expand the nation's prisons would be necessary to house all the newly convicted immigrants. Pressed on how to pay for such a massive program Representative Sensenbrenner said, "That's the beauty part. We hire the illegal aliens to build the prisons at a fraction of the cost. This is the classic win win. Well, was until the liberals and bleeding hearts screwed it up."

"This debate shouldn't be about making criminals out of hardworking families ... but rather about strengthening our national security and enacting a law that reflects our best values and our humanity," Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Bleeding Heart) said.

"That's liberal baloney," said Representative Tom Tancredo. (R-Gringo) "Look, if we leave these people in the country long enough they're going to become citizens. And once they become citizens they're probably going to vote. You think they're going to vote for the people who are trying to throw them in jail? It's just common sense to get rid of them now while we still can."

The question of a penalty for illegal immigrants dogged the debate for months and been the subject of intense political maneuvering. Finally though, the attempt failed on a vote of 257-164. In their statement, Hastert and Senate Majority Leader Frist said the Democrats had demonstrated a "lack of compassion."

When asked how voting against a bill that would instantly reclassify 11 million men, women and children as felons demonstrated a "lack of compassion." Frist replied that he wasn't talking about the Mexicans. "I mean how much harder have they made it for me to suck up to the wingnut base and get that presidential endorsement I'm looking for. These Democrats don't care about anyone but themselves."

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I'm A Declassifier Not A Divider

Look, being all presidentory is hard work. Sometimes the president remembers to do things legally and sometimes he doesn't. It's not his fault. If he had more people to help him plan his vacations, these sorts of oversights wouldn't happen.

said he declassified sensitive prewar intelligence on Iraq back in 2003 to counter critics who knew the administration had exaggerated the nuclear threat posed by Saddam Hussein.

"Condi told me you're not supposed to talk about classified information, but this Wilson guy was out there spreading all these facts and stuff. Jerk. Thought he was a team player. Turns out he had scruples. Anyway, we really needed the A Bomb threat to rope in the rubes on the war, so I got out my magic declassifier wand that Dick gave me and waved it over the document," Bush told reporters in a question-and-answer session after delivering a speech on Iraq.

"Then rather than releasing it as widely as possible so the American people could evaluate it, Dick came up with the idea of having Scooter to leak it through one of our reporter bots so it would make that turncoat Wilson look bad without coming back to us...oh, dang it. Did I say that last part out loud?"

It was Bush's first comment since more detail about the release of a prewar intelligence document surfaced last week in a court filing by U.S. prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. "You didn't think he was going to say anything about this until he had to did you?" asked White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "By the way, copies of my resume are available in the lobby."

A lawyer knowledgeable about the case said that Bush declassified sensitive intelligence in 2003 and authorized it to be publicly disclosed to smear people who actually knew what they were talking about. But the lawyer said Bush did not specifically direct Libby to disseminate information about prewar intelligence to reporters. "That was all done with sign language and notes passed at lunch period."

Bush said he couldn't talk about an ongoing legal proceeding. "You're just going to have to let Mr. Fitzgerald complete his case," Bush said. "And I hope you understand that. It's a serious legal matter that we've got to be careful in making public statements about it. Well, unless we can use those statements to bash someone who doesn't agree with us. Hey, it's just politics."

Monday, April 10, 2006

With Followers Like These Who Needs Philistines?

You know, we are really beginning to wonder if Jesus can be happy with his team. First of all, he's got St. Thomas DeLay, patron saint of K Street running around telling everyone how he's all martyred up and stuff because America hates

"I believe the most damaging thing that Tom DeLay has done in his life is take his faith seriously into public office, which made him a target for all those who despise the cause of Christ," said Rick Scarborough, convener of a conference called "The War on Christians."

Right. Well that and the indictment. Oh, and the continuing investigation into influence peddling. And let's not forget the crooked staff. But heck, other than that and a few other...umm...questionable liaisons, it's all about the Jesus haters.

So here's Skybox Tommy frontin' for the one and only JC in between appearances in court. Can't make the big guy happy. But what's a savior to do? Look at the bench:

Senator Rick I used to be for creationism before I was against it Santorum.

Ralph gambling is a sin except when it's not Reed.

Tom let's all get along or I'll kill you Coburn.

Jim git them wimin and gays out of the classroom Demint.

John kill a judge for Christ Cornyn.

And of course, the captain of the squad, George I'm a compassionate conservative with tactical nuclear weapons Bush.

You see the problem. On the one side you've got Jesus Christ. Son of God. Savior of the world. Died for our sins. Rose up on the third day and returned to heaven, leaving his followers in charge. Ok so that turned out to be a bit more problematic than the good savior would have preferred, but you have to admit, even Christ probably never expected this guy in training camp.

Well, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Unless of course you're the almighty, then you can have the fruit drink of your choice, but it's beginning to look to us like the big C subscribes to the Pottery Barn theory of running the universe.

Still, we figure if El Jefe can rain death and destruction down on New Orleans for planning a gay parade, he could at least turn this guy into a frog or something.

We know it's common to second guess the coach when the team isn't performing, but what about that all powerful all knowing stuff? Couldn't he have seen this coming? Why didn't he draft better? Where are the up and comers? He needs to be thinking about that. One good prosecutor could wipe out the whole first string. Not to mention mid term elections.

We know every league has kids who shine in the minors, but just never quite make the transition to the bigs, and, excuse us for being so blunt with the ruler of the universe, but you've got a whole clubhouse full of bush leaguers right now, and no bright prospects on the horizon.

We've got a suggestion: Better scouts. Yeah. We know Moses has been with the organization a long time, but let's face it, he just doesn't have the eye anymore. We suggest bringing back this guy. Yeah, he's a little rough around the edges, and he may still be a little frosted about that whole Nicene Creed thing but it's time to shake things up a little. Besides, the lightening bolts should really help during contract negotiations.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

A couple weeks ago we told you about Mississippi gambling mogul Marlin Torguson who bought the The Lakes Region Greyhound Park for $4.1 million. "I didn't make my fortune by being stupid," Mr. Torguson told reporters. "I made it by expecting the worst out of people."

"Even though the track I bought was closed down because of illegal activity, and even though it won't be able to simulcast races from other parts of the country, and even though no one was coming here anyway, I think the abuse of greyhounds so unskilled owners and breeders won't further depress employment statistics is an important public service and I'm proud to squander my fortune doing it."

You go, Mr. Torguson! Who knows, maybe your 4.1 million will be the amount that brings animal cruelty back into vogue. Maybe you'll start a movement. Maybe bear baiting will come back in style. Yeah. That can be the entertainment between races. What a great idea! You could franchise it. Spread it out to the other greyhound tracks that are flourishing around the country.

Oops. Wait a minute.

Greyhound racing in Connecticut may be coming to an end. Rick Pullman, president of Autotote Enterprises, the company that controls off-track betting in the state would not comment on the future of greyhound racing at Shoreline Star, but sources close to the situation say Autotote has little interest in conducting live racing at the facility. "We have not reached a final determination on the return of greyhound racing," Pullman said, adding that "there's a good chance the dogs will not return."

Dang! At this rate all the tracks will be closed down before Torguson runs out of his franchise idea off the ground.

Greyhound racing has been slated to resume at Shoreline Star on May 12. Pullman said racing, if it returns, would not begin on that date. If greyhound racing does not continue in Bridgeport, it would end the Connecticut's two-decade-long association with the sport. Plainfield Greyhound Park, which opened in 1976, closed last May.

People People People! What about (soon to be) poor Mr. Torguson? He came all the way up here to invest his fortune and this is how you treat him?

What do you think about that Fandango? Are you as upset by this as we are? Didn't think so.

Fandango is sweet, very intelligent, obedient, mature, happy, affectionate but not needy. He is easy going. He likes to be petted and his tail wags in big loopy circles when he is happy. Fandango needs a home with someone home more often (about every 3-6 hours during the day) because he has a medical condition. He needs to be in a quiet home with older children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. Fandango may have diabetes insipidus or another condition, which is being currently evaluated. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Uh oh

Regular readers of this blog (Hi Mom. Thanks for the cookies.) will recall that we have opined on the great evolution/magical mystery maker debate on several occasions. Most notably here, here and here. Well, OK, so it isn't so much a debate as one side stamping their feet and yelling, "Listen to us! We don't want to be no monkeys!" but we're feeling particularly magnanimous today, and not so hung over, so we'll go with debate.

Our survey of the arguments put forth by those who favor a more, shall we say, bonkazoid explanation for the development of us homos (and we mean that in the purely scientific sense) have long pointed to the fact that people who call themselves "scientists" (just because they have all those fancy degrees and stuff) have been unable to produce a creature that lived between fins and feet.

Well, until now anyway.

Scientists have caught a fossil fish in the act of adapting toward a life on land, a discovery that sheds new light one of the greatest transformations in the history of animals. The good Doctor Myers explains what all this means. We didn't understand all of it, but we think we could make a neat drinking game out of trying to say Tiktaalik roseae, Panderichthys, and Ichthyostega.

In response to the article, Mr. Giuseppe Sermonti, a staff member at the Discovery Institute and Prayer Parlor, long known for his tightly reasoned and well thought out critiques of evolution, told reporters that paleontologist Neil Shubin of the University of Chicago, one of the fossil discoverers, is an "Ugly faced poopy head with scientist cooties." (We think it's totally righteous that this guy has "Sermon" in his name.)

Dr. William Dembski, is the Carl F. H. Henry Professor of Science and Not Science at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY. (We know what you're thinking, but "Dumbski?" That's too easy, even for us.) When told of the fossil he put his hands over his ears and said, "LALALALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Experts said the discovery, with its unusually well-preserved and complete skeletons, reveals significant new information about how the water-to-land evolution took place. "It's an important new contribution to (understanding) a very, very important transition in the history of life," said Robert Carroll of McGill University in Montreal.

"No it's not," said the Discovery Institute's Jonathan Witt. When asked to explain the Institute's position he sang "Ain't no monkey, this I know 'cause the Bible tells me so." (Yeah, yeah "Witt-less," but where's the challenge?)

"Here's a creature that has a fin that can do push-ups," Dr. Shubin said. "This is clearly an animal that is able to support itself on the ground," probably both in very shallow water and for brief excursions on dry land. On land, it apparently moved like a seal, he said.

"No it didn't," countered Mr. Sermonti.

Unlike other fish, it could move its head independently of its shoulders like a land animal. The back of its head also had features like those of land-dwellers. It probably had lungs as well as gills, and it had overlapping ribs that could be used to support the body against gravity, Shubin said.

"No way," responded Dr. Dembski.

The creature's jaws and snout were still very fish like, showing that "evolution proceeds slowly; it proceeds in a mosaic pattern with some elements changing while others stay the same," Ted Daeschler of the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia said.

"Nuh uh," replied Mr. Witt.

"Knowing about the transition from fish to land-dweller might help us to unravel why it happened at all. Why did creatures come out of the water and get legs and walk away?" said Jennifer Clack of Cambridge University,

"Well, isn't that obvious?" asked Dr. Dembski. "The clearly created this fossil as a test to see if we would follow the empty dictates of experimental science in an attempt to explain our natural world, or just believe what we're told."

Shubin said the researchers plan to return to the small rocky outcropping that yielded the fossils and recover more material. "We've really only begun to sort of crack that spot," he said.

"We'll be visiting that site too," said Mr. Sermonti. "In the spirit of open discourse and scientific debate we plan to throw water balloons at the them and chant Bible verses."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

He's Gonna Do It Till He Gets It Right

This is odd. We could have sworn that the last time we heard Senator Kerry (D-Verbosity) talk about the war he was like, running for president or something. Didn't he lose that? We haven't seen the paper recently. "Baseball players get three swings. That's all I'm saying," a Kerry aide commented.

"We haven't had a unity government in the United States for almost 15 years, Kerry said. "
But if Iraqis aren't willing to build a unity government in five months, screw 'em. We're outta there."

"This war is so last year," Kerry told reporters. "Iraqi politicians should be told that they have until May 15 to put together a sham government so we can declare victory and withdraw our military just like we did in Korea, Viet Nam and South Central L.A.."

Iraqi leaders so far "have responded only to deadlines -- a deadline to transfer false authority to a powerless government, and a deadline to hold three pointless elections that just got a lot of people killed. We're the ones that can't seem to meet any deadlines." Kerry said. "OK, so they haven't actually accomplished anything of importance by meeting the deadlines, and nothing's really changed, but somebody's got to take responsibility for this mess."

To deflect responsibility from the US, Kerry suggested bringing all the leaders of Iraqi factions together "in a neutral setting, sort of like the NCAA does during the tournament. Except this will be more like a steel cage smackdown. We'll give the winner a few bucks and a couple of power stations, send him on his way and start getting organized to invade Iran. God, I'm good at this. I should be the president. Damn Ohio."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Resign? Don't DeLay

Here in the halls of IM Central we have learned to appreciate the bountiful gifts of the gods of sophomoronic humor. It is thus with sadness we note the passing of Tom DeLay, aka The Hammer, aka Skybox Tommy. Adieu to The Prince of Payoffs, the Earl of Earmarks, The Duke of...oh, wait a minute, that title's taken. So adieu. You're good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of this little blog doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Remember, we'll always have K Street.

Succumbing to scandal, former Majority Leader Tom Delay intends to resign from Congress within weeks, closing out a career that blended unflinching greed with a scruple free political style. "I'm only sorry I left witnesses," DeLay told a group of reporters outside his Sugar land home.

"He has served our nation with about as much integrity and honor as I have," said Majority Leader John Boehner, (R-Toady).

A formal announcement of DeLay's plans was expected at a Houston news conference. DeLay emerged from his Sugar Land home, greeted reporters and photographers but did not respond to questions. "I'll see y'all later," DeLay said, as he got into a waiting car and was driven away. "I've got a few last minute collections to make. Gotta pump up that defense fund you know."

"I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat just because I might be in jail by then," DeLay said. "The voters of the 22nd district of Texas deserve what they got these last years, but even a crook like me is better than some liberal Christian hating, fag loving Democrat. Not that I'm into the politics of personal destruction or anything like that."

DeLay is under indictment in Texas as part of an investigation into the allegedly illegal use of funds for state legislative races. "I'm completely innocent and besides it's all my staff's fault," DeLay told reporters.

Separately, the Texan's ties with lobbyist Jack Abramoff caused him to formally surrender his post as majority leader in January, within days after the lobbyist entered into a plea bargain as part of a federal congressional corruption probe. "I'm completely innocent and it's all a vast Jewish conspiracy, if you get my drift," DeLay told reporters.

More recently, former DeLay aide Tony Rudy said he had conspired with Abramoff and others to corrupt public officials, and he promised to help the broad federal investigation of bribery and lobbying fraud that already has resulted in three convictions. "I'm completely innocent...oh wait. Rudy? Never heard of him," DeLay told reporters.

In a separate interview with Time Magazine, DeLay says he plans to make his Virginia condominium his primary residence. "Gonna lay low till the heat's off in Texas," he said.

Don't bother Tommy boy. We know where to find you when things get slow in Katherine Harris' campaign.