Friday, August 29, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we told you about Karyn Zoldan who had drawn the ire of the overlords for suggesting on her blog that the fact that dogs were disappearing, dying and just generally being knocked around might indicate that conditions at the track may be somewhat less than perfect.

Well, as you might imagine the overlords were justifiably upset by this careless troublemaker so they immediately organized public tours of the kennels, invited the press to the track to see the conditions in which their beloved greyhounds lived and encouraged groups like the Humane Society and the ASPCA to make unannounced inspections of the track, all in the service of making sure everyone knew how professionally and lovingly they were caring for the dogs.

Oh wait, that's not right. What they did was sue Zoldan.

So a judge comes along and apparently he isn't very impressed because he refused to grant a Temporary Restraining Order, or a Preliminary Injunction. Now, with school starting back up, the law student handling the case for the overlords has gone back to Bill Friendly's Law School and Truck Driving Academy so they've had to drop the suit entirely.

The track had filed the action against Zoldan for a number of inflammatory statements she initially posted on her blog, most notably the claim that "tens of thousands of dogs have died at Tucson Greyhound Park during its 60-year tradition of racing."In response, Zoldan changed that sentence to read "Only the officials at the track know how many dogs have died there because they are the ones who killed them."

Despite the changes, the site is still highly critical of the track and greyhound racing, in general, and John Munger, first year law student representing the overlords said the track still thinks there are inaccurate statements, but at this point track management is willing to let it go.“Still, we continue to have serious differences of opinion, but this is a democracy and everybody is entitled to their opinion. It's just that we'll sue you if your opinion is different from ours."

While he couldn’t say for sure why the track agreed to drop the suit, Chris Wencker, Zoldan’s attorney, said he thought the suit was making the track look bad.

Riiiight. Wouldn't want to tarnish that sterling reputation now would we Frankie?

Frankie is really friendly, outgoing, happy, and playful dog. He loves playing and running. He has a very gullible and happy spirit. He always seeks attention. He’s a big snuggler; he loves to lay his head on your lap to get pets. He knows how to entertain himself. He loved playing in the snow. He will play with a toy for an hour or more none stop. He will keep flipping it around. He loves toys. He gingerly retrieves all the toys from the corner where they're kept and now has them collected by his bed. He has a favorite stuffy (lips) and he grabs it first thing in the morning and wants to take it everywhere with him, even outside and foster mom has to tell him “no lips outside.” He likes to follow people around the house. One day there was a squeaky sound on the TV and he was searching for it – trying to find it. It almost seems like a hunting instinct. He’s super happy and super obedient. If you raise your voice at him, he will sit down; it’s not a frightened way, more of “okay I’m down.” He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Frankie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 15 and up. He needs to be the only dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

BREAKING: Republicans Admit To Being Catholic; Pastor Hagee Shocked

We're coming to you today from the department of theological studies and youth camp here in the marbled halls of IM Central. As survivors of several years of grope free (our pastor happened to be an alcoholic and not a pedophile thankyouverymuch) spiritual retreats and teen dances as conscripts in the local CYO we feel uniquely qualified to comment on the latest Nancy Peolosi catholic church contretemps. Plus we can swear in Latin, Caniculaes!

House Republicans are demanding that Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) apologize for her recent comments on abortion, saying they “mangle Catholic Church doctrine.”

OK, first off we have to admit we thought the vatican was in Rome, not Washington, but that being said we have to admit we haven't been paying a lot of attention lately. On the other hand, who knows more about mangling than republicans?

Pelosi, a Catholic, said that the moment of conception has long been an issue of controversy in the Catholic Church. "That's an outright lie and a total misrepresentation of the church's position," said Archbishop Donald Wuerl. "We have never, ever, not even once wavered on when life begins. Just listen to what pope Benedict said just the other day:"
"The Magisterium has not expressly committed itself to an affirmation of a philosophical nature [as to the time of ensoulment]"
"'Not expressly committed itself.' Can we get any more clear? Wait. Is that the quote I asked for?"

New York Archbishop Edward Cardinal Egan said he was “shocked” by her comments. "Who'd of though she would actually have listened to what the pope said?" He added, "Who does that? We don't even do that."

Now, a group of 19 Catholic Republican House members are also expressing their outrage. In a letter sent to Pelosi, they write, “[Y]our knowledgeable claim about the history of the Church’s position on abortion shows you actually know church doctrine which interferes with our ability to call ourselves catholic without having the slightest idea what that means. By the way, who let you into our church anyway?”

Pelosi spokesman Brendan Daly issued a statement in which the Speaker stood by her comments. He said that not all Catholics believe that life begins at conception and cited St. Augustine, who said, "The law does not provide that the act [abortion] pertains to homicide, for there cannot yet be said to be a live soul in a body that lacks sensation."

Wuerl blasted Pelosi’s statement, saying the “philosophical discussion of St. Augustine’s time is not relevant today. I mean, sure he was one of the greatest and most revered thinkers in the history of the church, and yeah, he's a saint and all, but he was way off base here,” he told reporters. "Jesus was respected too, but look what happened to him when he spoke out against the party line. OK that's a bad example, but the point is, actual church doctrine is for us to interpret, not some uppity woman who probably thinks women can be priests."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Clinton Supporters! Why Vote For Someone You Agree With? McCain '08!

Oh, look everybody, the democrats are in Denver for a steel cage death match between Obama and Hillary.

At a restaurant on the outskirts of Denver, some 60 women gathered at a PUMA PAC-sponsored screening of a documentary called “The Audacity of Democracy.” In interviews beforehand, many said they would defy Clinton’s calls for party unity. "So what if the country is going to hell in a handbasket," said one attendee. "This is about us!"

Oh yeah baby, it's on now. Obama's going to be out at Mile High Stadium speaking to tens of thousand of supporters and Hillary's, 60 old ladies. OK this isn't shaping up the way we'd imagined. What else is going on?

In a modern production studio about a mile from where the Democrats were opening their convention, a SWAT team of Republican operatives dispatched to crash Senator Barack Obama’s party was reveling in its accomplishments.

Two new advertisements devised to stoke the sore feelings of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s devotees were widely covered online and on cable news channels; a news conference the Republicans produced with former Clinton supporters who said they were now backing Senator John McCain drew a standing-room-only crowd of reporters.

Guys. With 437,000 reporters in town, most of whole have already shot their wads with stories about how many seats the Pepsi Center has, or why Denver is called the "Mile High" city, you could probably attract a standing room only crowd if you staged a reading of My Pet Goat.

Besides, is this such a good idea? We mean, the whole republican strategy for this year is to try and get voters to forget their candidates are republicans. In fact, the idea is for all of us to forget there's a republican party all together.

Oregon Republican Senator Gordon Smith is touting his link to a presidential candidate in his latest campaign ad for his re-election bid against Democrat Jeff Merkley, but it’s not John McCain. Rather, Smith is touting his ties to Barack Obama. "I had a drinking problem,"Smith told reporters when asked if he still consdiered himself a republican. "But Senator Obama helped me get sober."

The 2000 republican platform referenced George W. Bush over 40 times.The 2004 platform referenced him over 200 times The 2008 draft platform references Bush zero times. It references John McCain zero times. "We're hoping that by November we can convince people that McCain is a candidate of the Maverick party and his real name is POW," said one republican official who asked not be be named because his children might find out what he did for a living.

Hmmm...looks like those 60 ladies at the restaurant may be the only votes the republicans can count on this year.

Monday, August 25, 2008

On The Bright Side, We Can't Decide Between Britney And Paris Either

We're coming to you today from the None of the Above Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. NotA is a wholly owned subsidy of the Is This the Best You Can Do? Company in partnership with Rock, Hard Place, Inc.

Shorter version: Things look good for Ralph Nader and Bob Barr.

US voters have serious misgivings about both US presidential candidates -- Darkocrat Barack Obama and Repeatican John McCain -- faulting the former for lack of whiteness and the latter for close ties to Alzheimer's Disease, according to a new opinion poll which will be valid until the next opinion poll, about a minute and a half.

Half of those surveyed worry Obama "may be too closely aligned with people who hold high levels of melanin," and 57 percent said they were concerned he might chose R Kelly for Secretary of Education, USA Today said. When asked why their survey totalled 107% officials from USA Today admitted they counted people who used "multiple underlines, more than one exclamation point, smiley and frowny faces, or wrote ZOMG!! in the margins" twice.

On the other hand, four in 10 said they are worried McCain, who turns 172 next Friday, is too incontinent for the presidency, and 67 percent said they're concerned he'll pardon Bush after his conviction.

According to the poll, the electorate remain fairly fluid. Three out of 10 of those polled said they might change their minds between about moving to Belize between now and November 4.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

In the great pantheon of overlords there is one to whom even the overlords look whenever a wrong needs to be made right, whenever injustice rears its Hydra-like head, whenever they need someone who can spell.

That someone is Gary Guccione whom regular readers of this blog have had the privilege of meeting before. Now for those of you who may have stumbled on this blog after entering "cleavage" in your search engine, Mr. Guccione is the Communications Coordinator of the American Greyhound Exploitation Council which means, not only can he type, but he owns his own dictionary!

Mr. G is the industry's go to guy whenever anyone in the general citizenry has the temerity to imply that just because his industry leeches its meager existence off the backs of innocent animals they destroys or otherwise discards those animals like yesterday's newspaper when they can no longer win the puny purses created by the two dollar bets of under-educated social security recipients, it is not the canine equivalent of the cush job of getting paid not to think or ask questions, and to keep repeating the same old discredited talking points over and over as if you really believed them yourself.

Which is pretty much Guccione's job description.

Anyway, the latest intrusion of reality into overlord world has prompted a sniffy post from Mr. Guccione to the Livingston Daily which had the unmitigated gall to run a story about some folks who rescue racing greyhounds.
We always welcome coverage of greyhound adoption, but we are disappointed to see misinformation like that contained in your Aug. 19 story about a local couple that adopted a retired greyhound ("Couple putting dogs on track to happiness.")
And by "misinformation" we mean stuff we don't want people with even the tiniest scrap of humanity to know about.
Common sense tells us that greyhounds must receive the best care and treatment in order to perform at their peak. Their crates must be large enough for them to sit, stand, turn around and lie down comfortably. Their diet must be nutritious and satisfying. They must be turned out for fresh air and exercise periodically throughout the day.
Right. Common sense does tell us that, which makes it even more strange when it doesn't happen.
Whether on the farm or at the track, kennel operators are expected to comply with these standards.
Of course we also expect them to be able to tie their own shoes, but that hasn't turned out so well either.
The best proof of the good care that greyhounds receive is the dogs themselves.
Yeah. That's something we can all agree on, right Spanky?

Spanky is a quick learner and eager to please. He is a happy, outgoing, and friendly dog. He is playful and calms easily. His trainers believe he will make a great house pet. He loves to play in the snow. He’s a happy dog whose tail wags often. He’s very friendly. He wants to be with you but he’s not clingy. He loves to run and play. He loves to go in the granddaughter’s bedrooms and wake them up with kisses in the morning. He will roll over and want his tummy scratched. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Spanky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Now Can I Have A Legacy?

We're coming to you from the Toby Keith wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. We're down here to collect some patriotic accouterments to send off to Senator Barak HUSSEIN Osamabama. See, we're just a little tired of this defeatocrat trying to lose the Iraq war for us just so he can get elected, so we've decided to help him become a patriotic American by plastering himself and his car with Uncle Sam swag. Let's see, we've got laminated copies of the Pledge of Allegiance complete with the phrase "Under God" thankyouverymuch, Support the Troops car magnets in several different styles, a wallet size copy of the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner with the second verse, (yeah, there is one and it doesn't go Dododo Do Do Do Da Dada Da DaDaDa) and American Flag lapel pins. Oops. Forget those.

We figure if we can get Osamabama to ramp up his patriotism, sort of like this guy, then he'll quit talking about ending the war in Iraq, or at least quit talking about timetables, which as we all know, is a sure way to guarantee another attack right in our own living rooms, probably during the finals of American Idol. We mean come on, president Bush may have trouble speaking without biting his own tongue, but there is one thing he's made clear: No timetables.

U.S. and Iraqi negotiators reached agreement on a security deal that calls for American military forces to leave Iraq's cities by next summer as a prelude to a full withdrawal of combat troops from the country, according to senior American officials.

Right. See if only Osamabama had Bush's strength of character and leadership qualities to stay the course in Iraq we wouldn't need to be talking about cutting and running and we'd be all like 100 years in Iraq? Semper Fi Motherf...wait. What?

The draft agreement sets 2011 as the goal date by which U.S. combat troops will leave Iraq, according to Iraqi Deputy Foreign Minister Mohammed al-Haj Humood and other people familiar with the matter.

Oh. Whew! You had us worried there for a minute. The Iraqis are talking about a withdrawal timetable. Pfffft. Who listens to them?

Senior officials in Washington said the talks have concluded. "The talking is done," one U.S. official said. "Now the decision makers choose whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down."

OK, still not worried. Every time president Bush tries to do a thumbs up he pokes himself in the eye.

President George W. Bush is almost certain to accept the agreement, according to U.S. officials and Pentagon aides have already been dispatched to the White house with the presidential goggles.

Rats. Wait, this could work. Osamabama's been campaigning on ending the war, so if Bush ends the war, Osamabama won't have anything to campaign on and McCain will get elected. Then he can start a new war with Iran which is what Bush wanted all along. (You're off by one key on the typewriter and the next thing you know you're blowing up the wrong country. Dang temps!)

The situation is more complicated in Iraq. The draft agreement must be approved by several layers of Iraqi political leaders. Several members of Mr. Maliki's cabinet have voiced opposition to elements of the deal and as a result were allowed to see their relatives in US custody.

The security deal came together after the Bush administration bailed on several long-held positions. The White House abandoned its stance over a pullout date after it became clear that there were no WMD's in the country. "It's mission accomplished for us," said one Pentagon aide. "So we're ready to head home. And by 'home' I mean Afghanistan."

General David Petraeus, the top American commander here, said in an interview that the U.S. already was focusing on turning control of the country over to Iraqis. "We have to let go, and we're not reluctant to do that. And the Iraqis are not reluctant to take control," General Petraeus said. "Maliki told me he thought the Iraqi government should be in control of Iraq, and I'm all like, 'Dude, why didn't you just say so.'"

But the general added that no one is "giving each other high-fives." Although extremist groups such as al Qaeda in Iraq and rogue Shiite militias have been weakened, he said, they could gain strength again. "We managed to blow up most of the country and kill thousands of innocent people, but we didn't get the guys we came here after. Well, take the wheat with the chaff, know what I mean?"

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Well, Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

Hey, Condoleezza Rice is still Secretary of State. Who knew? We thought she took that job with Bergdorfs. But whatever, this is great for us, right. Right? See because her expertise is on Russia and now that those pesky Ruskies are kicking up a snit over there in Georgia she can make up for all those bad calls on Iraq and Afghanistan (who understand Arabs anyway?) OK madame Secretary, put that expensive education to use.

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Russia it was isolating itself from the international community with its behaviour in Georgia. "And if there's anyone who knows about isolation, it's us," she added. "I mean look at the coalition of the willing. Who's left? Burkina Faso? Yeah. They're a game changer."

"When you start invading smaller neighbours, bombing civilian infrastructure, going into villages and wreaking havoc and (carrying out) the wanton destruction of (its) infrastructure, that is isolating. At that point irony detectors installed in the meeting room activated and the press conference had to be delayed until Homeland Security officials determined that no writers for the Daily Show were present in the building.

Rice said the ministers wanted to demonstrate in their strongly worded statement that NATO was pretty much impotent (and not in a good way) so Russia could dictate the terms of when former Soviet states such as Georgia and Ukraine could join the Alliance. "But expect not to be invited to all the cool parties," Rice added.

"This is a very clear statement that NATO, having come so far after the end of the Cold War and the collapse of the Soviet Union... is not going to permit a new line to be drawn in Europe," Rice said. "There will absolutely be no new line, NATO does not accept that there is a new line and we are not acting as if there is a new line," she said. "But if there was a new line, it would probably be somewhere to the west of Georgia and Ukraine. Just saying."

When told of the statement issued by NATO and Secretary Rice's news conference, Vitaly Churkin, Representative of the Russian Federation at the UN said, "безотносительно."

Monday, August 18, 2008

Barak Obama Nude!!*

You know, we really need to get Paris and Britney some help because when they're not out getting arrested or forgetting their underwear, our poor media doesn't know what to do with itself and we get stuff like this.

Look out, ladies. Barack Obama has taken his shirt off in public again. The 47-year-old senator from Illinois, who created a minor sensation with a shirtless photo on his last trip to Hawaii, stripped down to his trunks on Thursday for an impromptu body surfing excursion.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Obama does not swim while fully clothed and if you thought glancing at Hillary's cleavage put the media on the ceiling for a week, well, you just ain't seen nothing yet.

People magazine published a photo of the buff-looking senator emerging from the ocean in January 2007 on a page with other Hollywood stars.

See, we had to put in that part about being on the same page as other Hollywood stars so you wouldn't forget Obama's a celebrity. It's easier than trying to explain his energy strategy, or his economic positions.

*From the waist up

Friday, August 15, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy. He being one of the overlords. And why is he Calloohing and Callaying you ask. Well, because the state has decided to build two new greyhound tracks!

West Virginia House Bill 213 was signed recently by Governor Joe Manchin during the Legislature's June interim session.The legislation provides up to $2 million in funding to construct two greyhound training tracks in the state with money from the West Virginia Greyhound Breeding Development Fund and purse supplemental funds.

W00t!!1!!! Two more chances to separate senior citizens for their social security two dollars at a time. Who says you can't make a living off other people's weaknesses, huh Mr. Miner?

Greyhound breeder Dean Miner opposes the construction of two greyhound training tracks in the state.

Darn straight! Why in just a few months you'll be raking in the rubes' rent money like it was...wait. What did you say?

"They want to use our breeders' fund money to build these tracks, but no one even wants them," Miner said.

What are you, from Massachusetts or something?

Miner said the tracks will make it more difficult for him and his fellow breeders to do business in the state."We cannot properly train our dogs in West Virginia because of the environment. We need to take them to Kansas or Oklahoma to train them because there is flat land and clean air there."

Um...if there's no flat land, where they gonna build the tracks?

Delegate Jack Yost, D-Brooke, also supports the training tracks. "The bill does not provide where the tracks will be built, but I would think they would be built somewhere near the two greyhound tracks," he said in reference to Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack and Tri-State Racetrack and Gaming Center in Cross Lanes. "That way people will have two more conveniently located tracks not to go to."

That's the smartest thing he's said all day, Miner told reporters.

We're still trying to figure out that flat land, clean air thing. You got any ideas Bugsy?

Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would do well with another large-breed dog or as an only dog. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Alexander Haig Call Your Office*

Well, who says the presidency isn't a 24/7 job. Even though Bush is trying to enjoy a little down time at the Olympics, world events have conspired to harsh his fanny slapping mellow. Have no fear though, the president is a multi-tasker and responding to crises while burnishing occupied bikini bottoms is well within his purview.

The president quickly dispatched a high level delegation to the war torn region. "The situation in Georgia remains fluid and dangerous. As soon as possible my colleagues senators Lieberman and Graham will be traveling to Georgia. They're both members of the Senate Armed Services Committee. I hope that other members of the Armed Services Committee in the Senate will go together," the president said.

Wait. Just a moment. Now we're being told that wasn't the president but instead was senator John McCain.

Jeez John, don't you think you're being a

McCain accuses Obama of being presumptuous in his speeches, but them McCain goes ahead and actually injects himself into a real crises situation like he was already in charge or something. Oh man, is the main stream media ever going to jump on this.

Well, right after they figure out whether Hawaii is a state or not.

*I'm in control here

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

In Which We Get To Put Six Years Of Catechism Class To Use

In an effort to derail energy and global warming initiatives and ensure the apocalypse, republicans have been doing their level best to impugn efforts by rational people to provide some sort of habitable environment for our grandchildren.

One of the higher decibel voices in this ultra-crepidarian chorus of nihilarians, cumber-grounds and clavuses is Michelle Bachmann, poster girl for the heartbreak of unmedicated bablatrices. We've peaked into her particular corner of the whackaloon universe before. As we recall it was sort of like trying to engage in a conversation about the Baysian roots of epistemology with Homer Simpson. In Esperanto.

But don't just take our word for it.

Apparently Ms. Bachmann recently took it upon herself to regale the more rational citizens in her district with the depth of her theological and scientific knowledge when she opined that "We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that."

OK, here's where we get to prove we were actually listening that day in catechism class rather than fantasizing about Elizabeth Arden's...uh...secondary sex characteristics. Man, if you'd seen those sweaters...and even better, she had this one white blouse that...Oh, sorry. Where were we? Is it hot in here?

Oh yeah, Jesus. See, Christ didn't come to save the planet, he came to save the people on the planet. In fact, in a demonstration we are sure will impress frequent reader(s) of this blog who are still not institutionalized we will go one step farther with this:
"He sendeth the springs into the valleys, which run among the hills. They give drink to every beast of the field: the wild asses quench their thirst.

By them the fowl of the heavens have their habitation, which sing among the branches. He watereth the hills from his chambers: the earth is satisfied with the fruit of thy works.

He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth; and wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine and bread which strehgtheneth man's heart.

The trees of the Lord are full of sap; the cedars of Lebanon, which he hath planted; where the birds make their nests: as for the stork, the fir trees are her house. The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; and the rocks for the badgers."

Psalms 104:10-18

See, Congresswoman Bonkozoid, we're just renters here, and if you want your damage deposit back, well, let's just say the landlord is going to expect that you take a bit better care of the place, capice?

PS: Oh, and that "wild ass" thing. Yeah, we're looking at you.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

In His Memoirs He'll Tell Us What Color The Skies Are On His Planet

You know, sometimes we envy the president. We mean, it usually takes us more than a few adult beverages before we reach the stage where reality becomes a malleable commodity, but yesterday here's what Bush said regarding Russia's invasion of Georgia (no, not that Georgia, this Georgia):

"Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century."
Sweet and tasty Jebuss wafers on a sesame seed bun, how does he do stuff like that without his head exploding? Forget that. How can we do stuff like that?

Now, we know what you're thinking, the guy's schizoid or something, but that can't be because schizoids have multiple personalities, and if there's one thing we've learned about the president, he's always the same. Also clueless, incompetent, illegal and lacking in the qualities that produce effective leadership like say don't know, a conscience? Or is that conscious? We'll get back to you.

So you say, well, Iraq didn't have a democratic government elected by its people and it's not a neighboring state to us, so technically it's not the same. This is true, but somehow Bush doesn't impress us as a man capable of such fine intellectual distinctions.

Is he a robot, merely programmed to evaluate the moral and the immoral then choose the latter, like some sort of soulless automaton bereft of even the slightest glimmer of humanity?

Wait. That's Cheney.

Perhaps he's simply the anti-Forrest Gump, who, instead of blinking his way through history at its most brilliant, haplessly caroms from calamity to disaster.

Blast! We'll never know. The man is a moron wrapped in an idiot. It seems we must leave it for the ages to ponder how anyone could be that stupid and how 62,040,210 people couldn't recognize it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Gives A Whole New Meaning To Smoking In The Boy's Room

We're coming to you from the Childhood Development Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. The CDD is a wholly owned subsidy of the No Recess For You Corporation in partnership with the Where's Your Hall Pass Company.

We've written many times that our tenure as inmates of the Great American Educorporate Training System was, how do you say, somewhat less that spectacular. And by spectacular we mean mediocre. Now, we've never been in a war, but we suspect in all those years of school had some similarities. Especially the hours of boredom punctuated by moments of intense worksheet. Something like that.

That being said, though, we have to admit that we're glad we got out when we did because now it looks like those hours of boredom are about to be punctuated with moments of electrically amplified motivational intervention.

The Uniontown Area school's director of student ionization says giving the district's three officers the option of using a Taser on more than just sloppy joe day is more about providing the safest possible conditions for children, staff and visitors than as a weapon directed at the students."Of course if those little heathens should happen to step out of line we're going to light them up like a Christmas tree," he added.

The president of a voltage generated behavior modification consulting firm said districts like Uniontown Area, which is considering arming its police officers with Tasers, have to take a conservative approach to their deployment and develop a comprehensive policy. "First thing, you can't Tase a kid because he didn't do his homework," the official said. "Especially if he's a white kid. Oh, and don't Tase kids in wheelchairs either. That makes for some very bad public relations"

Concerned parents and residents questioned the necessity of the devices at a public meeting, but a Cleveland consultant said in an interview that a Taser can be a "useful extra tool" for authorities as an alternative to a firearm in gaining control in a tense situation. "You don't want me bustin' a cap on your kid 'cause he's running in the halls do you?" asked the consultant. "This way I just give him permanently curly hair if you get my drift."

Ken Trump, a former electrical engineer who heads National High Current Low Amp Pedagogy Services, said a device like a Taser potentially can be helpful if an adult non-student intruder threatens harm to himself or others. "I think parents need to realize they're not zapping kids for not having a hall pass," Trump said. "Well, at least not the first time."

Although he acknowledged some cases nationally in which officers allegedly have shown no judgment in using Tasers, Trump said "The key is selective use. By that I mean we only use it on poor kids and minorities who are less likely to know a lawyer."

Medical studies have shown that exposure to a conducted-energy device, or CED, like a Taser, is safe in the "vast majority of cases," according to a June report by Doctors for Discharges. "Only those who died or were permanently disabled reported deleterious outcomes," the report stated.

Forensic pathologist Cyril H. Wecht, a former Allegheny County Electrical Inspector said, "Once you have the Taser and it's been accepted and legitimized ... I see nothing wrong with officers being able to use it on teenagers. They're all drunk or high most of the time anyway. Probably won't even feel it."

Uniontown's director of boost charging, Arc Flash, said he's trying to be proactive by suggesting the use of Tasers. Currently, he's the only officer at the school who carries a gun, but he hasn't had to discharge it while on duty. "Do you know how boring that is for him?" Flash asked. "We're trying to get him something he could fry those little boogers with."

Friday, August 08, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Regular readers of this blog are probably used to the looks they get on the mean are used to stories about the overlords doing strange things to try and stay out of the labor market, but this is one move even we can't figure out.

Corpus Christi Greyhound Racetrack owners do not want to begin live racing until August 2010, but may start simulcast races in April.


"It's a brilliant plan," said Track general manager Rick Pimentel. "See, by 2010 all the other tracks will be closed and we'll be the only place you can go to for greyhound racing. We'll corner the market!"

But Mr. Pimentel, the reason all the tracks are closing is because no one wants to go to greyhound races anymore.

"Oh. Well, see that' we didn't...OK, look I'm going to have to get back to you on that."

Ah, another perfect business plan down in flames, huh Buddy?

Buddy wants to be a lap dog; he tries to curl up with you and before you know it his whole body is in your lap. He’s very curious. He likes to stand up tall and stretch. It’s almost as if he needs a scratching post. He hides his rawhides in the house. He will bark if he sees something new. He is very friendly and comical. Buddy would do well in a working family home with well mannered children, 8 and up. He would be great in a home with an 8-year-old boy or girl to grow up with them. He’s good with other dogs, and would be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I'll Be Here All Week. Tip Your Waitress

Oh, that president Bush, he's such a card. Every time he goes off to another country he just cracks the locals up with something he says or does. He's like America's traveling ambassador of hilarity.

Now he's got the Chinese shooting hot bubble tea lattes through their noses.

U.S. President George W. Bush plans to voice deep concerns about human rights in China in a speech hours before he arrives in Beijing for the opening of the Olympic Games.

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Get it? Mr. Blow up a country for the heck of it. Mr. Guantanamo. Mr. Secret Rendition. Mr. Torture is OK. Mr. Eavesdrop on everyone is telling the Chinese to watch it on human rights.

We're laughing so hard right now there are tears in our eyes. Sort of like these people.

"The United States believes the people of China deserve the fundamental liberty that is the natural right of all human beings," Bush will say in a speech in Bangkok. "Well, all human beings except the ones we're holding that is."

"So America stands in firm opposition to China's detention of political dissidents, human rights advocates and religious activists," Bush will tell the audience of Chinese officials. "That's our gig, you know?"

"We speak out for a free press, freedom of assembly, and labor rights," Bush will say. "You know, all that stuff we're trying to stop in America."

"And we press for openness and justice not to impose our beliefs, but to allow the Chinese people to express theirs." When asked if the same applied to the ability of the Iraqis freedom to express their beliefs the president replied that the Iraqis were free to express any belief his administration has already expressed.

"I have spoken clearly, candidly, and consistently with China's leaders about our deep concerns over religious freedom and human rights," Bush plans to say in his speech. "And they will ask me why my head hasn't exploded yet. I will tell them I have no idea."

Bush has repeatedly said he is going to the Olympics for sports and not for politics. "I don't do politics real good," he said.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

For Homework: Discuss Why Evolution Can't Explain People Who Cling To Irrational Beliefs Despite Evidence

A while back we told you about John Freshwater a Middle School science teacher in Ohio and his rather unique classroom management technique of branding students. "It helps me learn their names faster," he told reporters. Apparently, some parents had problems with permanent disfigurement of their children and complained to the school board who promptly told Freshwater to stop teaching creationism in his science classes.

Oh, did we mention he's a science teacher who doesn't believe in science? Yeah, there's that too.

Anyway, long story short, the school board voted unanimously to fire him back in June. End of story.

Or so we thought.

Freshwater, 52, has vehemently denied branding anyone and insists he teaches evolution. "I teach that it's wrong and you'll go to hell if you believe it, but at least I teach it," he said. In a brief interview, Freshwater claimed the investigation into his activities is "biased." When asked to explain what he mean by that, Freshwater said it had been obvious "from day one that all the school cares about is me teaching science. How one sided is that?"

All this is prelude to an August 26 hearing at which a referee will consider the board's recommendation that Freshwater, who has been suspended without pay, be fired. "We would have had all this wrapped up by now," said one school board member. "But Freshwater challenged the call and the ref wanted to see the replay."

The alleged branding occurred last December during a classroom science experiment. Freshwater was using an electrostatic device common in science classroom demonstrations. Freshwater told investigators, according to an independent probe, that students often ask if they could touch the device, which carries high voltage but low current. "I felt it was my duty as a teacher to let kids hurt themselves if they wanted to," Freshwater said.

The alleged branding has overshadowed a more complex story of religious beliefs and public education. Freshwater supporters argue that religious freedom is on trial here, along with the teacher. "Why should a science teacher be limited to teaching science?" asked one Freshwater supporter. "Why can't he also teach stuff that has nothing to do with science? What's happened to freedom of speech in this country?"

"This is about the safety and well-being of students and protecting their constitutional rights to get an education," said David Millstone, who represents the school board.

"Education? That's not why I send my child to school," responded a parent supporting Freshwater. And what's the Constitution got to do with this? There's no mention of the Constitution in the bible."

Lori Miller, a mathematics teacher at the middle school, said Freshwater is being singled out for his religious beliefs. Miller said she keeps a Bible on her desk and, like Freshwater, has posters on her classroom walls with religious themes. "Of course I don't burn my students or tell them they're going to hell if they believe in algebra, so that could be a difference," she conceded.

Monday, August 04, 2008

If Elected, He'll Pass A Law That Says He Gets To Date Your Daughter

You know, we just don't understand politics. Calling your opponent a fancy pants, accusing him of being popular just because people like him, reminding fat people that he's not fat and thus "not like them," all that we get. Come on, what's the alternative? Talk about the issues? Please. Did you just move to this country? Legally?

The thing that we don't get is that when a black man finally admits, on national tee vee and everything that he is, in fact, black he's accused of playing the race card. What? Isn't that what you wanted all along? Now the whole country will wake up and be like Whoa! He's a brother? Man, we gotta vote for the white guy.

Senator John McCain defended his campaign for saying that Senator Barack Obama is playing the race card. McCain's campaign manager charged that Obama falsely accused the McCain campaign of injecting race into the presidential contest. "We hadn't noticed he was black until he said that," Rick Davis said. "And frankly it's divisive, negative, shameful and wrong. You'd never catch Senator McCain going around telling people he's white."

At three stops in the battleground state of Missouri, Obama told audiences that his opponent is trying to make voters "scared" of him because he doesn't look like past presidents -- an apparent reference to being black -- and has a "funny name."

"Well, duh," Davis said. "Look, it worked for Bush and he was running against the Senator from Vanilla. Can you imagine how fired up we'll get the Bubbas when they find out dude's a brotha? Heck even Dobson will risk eternal damnation rather than throw in with the darkies."

"This is a race about big challenges: a slumping economy, a broken foreign policy and an energy crisis for everyone but the oil companies," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said.

"Well, sure it is," Davis responded. "And we lose on every one of those. Look, Britney's all we got man, how about cutting us a little slack here?"

Friday, August 01, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so everybody knows the overlords have hit a bit of a rough patch for, oh the last thirty years or so. Prosperity might be just around the corner though if the animal rights whackos would just quit trying to convince people that sucking a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals and then discarding them like yesterday's news isn't the glamorous career choice they'd like us to believe it is.

Oh, that and having to pay taxes.

City officials have begun foreclosure proceedings on Wonderland Greyhound Park for failure to pay $789,293 in taxes over the last two years. "I used all the checks in the checkbook," track president Richard P. Dalton said. "I thought that meant all the bills were paid."

Wonderland Park, the city's eighth biggest taxpayer and now the city's largest tax delinquent, also owes $16,673.70 in water and sewer bills, said George M. Anzuoni, Revere's director of finance. "We're number one! We're number one!" Dalton chanted.

The track has been delinquent since 2006, city officials said. But city councilors were surprised to learn last week that the track was able to obtain annual liquor and restaurant licenses, as well as a special permit for parking at a track-owned parking lot while delinquent on taxes. That is a violation of a local ordinance.

"Greyhound racing is wholesome, well regulated clean family fun," Dalton told reporters. "You just have to watch us all the time, that's all."

Mayor Thomas G. Ambrosino had no answers when he was questioned by City Council President George V. Colella at a meeting Monday."Obviously there was an error here," Ambrosino told the council. "And I think it's called Greyhound Racing."

Ambrosino said he has not received any communication from Wonderland officials."I'd be very surprised if an entity like that would let the city take over a venue valued at $15 million to $20 million for taxes owed that are under $1 million," Ambrosino said. "That would be a very foolish business decision."

"Those are the kind of decisions I'm best at," said Dalton.

Well, that's a big 10-4 huh, Ellie?

Ellie is quiet, friendly, gives kisses, snuggles, & lays down by you. She will let you spoon her and will move to be with you. She is a very sweet & quiet girl. Ellie would be great in a home where she is not alone more than 6 or 7 hours. She is good with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.