Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Well, No. But You Do Sort Of Look Like Charlton Heston

Yesterday's post got us thinking once again about our time in the educorporate complex. One of the things we used to look forward to was the Guest Speaker. These were usually local community types, mostly sober, who would volunteer time out of their busy day writing parking tickets, watching porn in the firehouse, or malpracticing law or medicine to come and share their wisdom with a group of proto delinquints and aspiring biker chicks. Ah, Elizabeth Arden's short skirts and back-lighting. Well, that's a story for another time.

Anyway, given the joy that strangers bring to the otherwise dreary worksheet-lunch-worksheet world of students, we feel bad that this guy didn't get to make his speech.

A man waving a brick barged into Monroe Middle School and ranted about the teachings of evolution before being arrested by police. "We're not sure what the brick was for," Middle school principal Ryan McLeod said. "But he kept held it up to his ear and said 'Hello, god? Are you still there? Dang, I've lost the call.'"

Police rushed to the school and took the man into custody. He was warned three times to drop the brick or be shot with a Taser. The man eventually complied and was taken away in handcuffs. "We convinced him that god was on the Principal's phone," said a Deputy.

Monroe police reported the man walked into the school office and immediately headed down a hallway toward the principals' offices. When stopped by employees, he began yelling at them asking if he looked like a monkey. "Actually, he did sort of look like a monkey," said Alvin Dawkins, the school custodian. "He had a wide nose and a sort of sloping brow. I didn't say anything though. He seemed pretty sensitive about it."

The man was identified as Mark A. Wood. He is being held in the Monroe County jail on charges of attempting to assault or resist a police officer, violating the school weapons free zone, disorderly conduct, and not having the brains god gave a mushroom.

"The best part is, no students were in danger," Mr. McLeod said. "Fortunately for us, he came right into the office. Now we can get back to teaching the kids about condoms, the homosexual lifestyle and how to be good Islamic fundamentalists."

Monday, October 30, 2006

Oh Sure, You Just Go Vote. Never Mind About Our Needs

It has come to our attention that the country isn't running as efficiently as we have come to expect. And by expect we mean having an actual functioning government capable of discerning its elbow from a hole in the ground.

Now, we will be the first to admit that we weren't always the most attentive of students while inmates of the educorporate training centers, but we seem to remember something about how in a democratically structured society, if the denizens didn't agree with their overlords they could effect some sort of change in the population of the power centers.

Elections, we believe is the word we are looking for. Hence the graphic over to the right from an organization called MoveOn.org who apparently takes this election stuff seriously.

And as if that weren't enough, it appears we have one of these elections coming up in the near future. Amazing how all that stuff just works itself out isn't it?

Anyway, what the MoveOn people seem to want is your participation in this election thingy and we're thinking the more of you that get involved, the less we'll have to do.

OK, let's be honest. If, in fact the election turns out the way these MoveOn folks seem to want it to, it could mean the death of this blog. Oh, sure president Goofy will still be around for a couple of more years, but, we ask you, where's the challenge?

Of course, there's always William Jefferson. Then there's Allan Molohan. Oh, and who could forget Cynthia McKinney? Not as exciting as Abramoff, or as crooked as Cunningham, Ney, DeLay, or as perverted as Foley, or as downright bizarre as Santorum and Schmidt, but we'll make do. OK, you go do that voting thing, don't worry about us. We'll get by.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Department of Pedantry here at IM Central. Today's topic: Pari-mutuel racing. We'll wait while you get your notebooks...OK ready? We bring this up because greyhound racing is a pari-mutuel...umm...sport...no that's not it...uh...travesty...well...let's just go with activity so we can get on with the lecture.

In pari-mutuel betting all the marks'...er...bettors' money goes into a pot and those who win get the biggest share. Usually it's enough for bus fare back home, but that's not the point. The state that licenses the track also takes a cut as does the track itself. Now the problem lately with greyhound racing is that there aren't enough people with low enough IQs ponying up the rent money to make the pot big enough so instead of taking a cut, the state has to actually put money in.

Raise your hand if you think the state is stupid. Ah, looks unanimous. Wait who's that back in the corner? Why didn't you raise your hand sir? Oh. Sorry to wake you.

Back to the lesson. As you may imagine, because there is gambling going on at the track and people with third grade educations are in charge of it, the state kills many trees each year issuing regulations and requirements that the tracks are supposed to follow.

Supposed to.

Twelve men and one woman have been charged in a scheme to fix greyhound races at the Mobile track by drugging favored dogs with pills and collecting about $67,000 in payouts, a prosecutor said.

$67,000! Boy Howdy we're drinking the brand name stuff tonight!

Now before all you namby pamby animal rights whackos get your L. L. Bean undies in a bunch, three track employees are accused of giving the greyhounds an herbal concoction, available at health food stores, which exhausts the greyhound by race time.

See? They gave the dogs stuff from a Health Food Store. Do the overlords care about the units or what? Only organically grown, pesticide free drugs for these dogs.

Mobile County District Attorney John Tyson Jr. said tracks throughout the United States have been notified of the charges and that the suspects, all from Mobile and adjacent Baldwin counties, are immediately barred from any tracks.

Ha! Take that evil doers! No more two dollar bets for you. Bet you wish you'd used some of that 67K to pay ahead on your trailer mortgage now, huh?

Charges include tampering with racing animals and transmission of racing information for illegal gambling purposes. A conviction on the felony charges could bring up to 10 years in prison.

Oh, yeah. Well, there is that too. Al, you've got some experience with prison. Think 10 years is enough?
Al is a reserved, well-mannered, easy going boy. He loves people. He foster dad calls him “Joe Cool.” He enjoys spending time outside and will sometimes dig a hole so he can lie in the dirt. Al is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater, Michigan Prison Program. Al would do well in a working family home with well mannered older children, 10 and up. He is good with other average to large size dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Another Reason Not To Have Kids


Sorry to shock you. We know you've come to expect high levels of moderation, reasoned discourse and cool deliberation from this blog, but when we ran across this, we felt we had to sound the alarm.

Yes, that's right, our children are being trained to be Islamofacisitcommie ninja warriors, and what's worse, they're learning how to destroy western civilization...in our very own public schools!

Islam is being taught in the nation's public schools as a religion to be embraced because "organized Islamists have gained control of textbook content," according to an organization that analyzes textbooks. "While we were busy protecting our borders they sneaked in around us and took over the publishing industry," said Gilbert T. Sewall, who wrote the organization's report on Islam and textbooks. "Who even knew they could read English?"

Middle East Forum director Daniel Pipes even has repeatedly expressed concern about the "privileging of Islam in the United States" and warns the stakes go well beyond 7th-grade texts. "It's almost like they're saying Islam is as good as Christianity," he said. "And when they throw in that stuff about how the arabs contributed things like the arithmetic the style of writing digits from right to left, the introduction of the number zero, made contributions to fractions and to the principle of errors, which is employed to solve Algebra problems arithmetically, excelled in geometry, starting with the transition of Euclid and conic section of Apolonios and they preserved the genuine works of these two Greek masters for the modern world, well, you can see how the kids can be seduced by that."

It has gotten so bad that parent Kendalee Garner objected to having her son being taught Islam, including the memorization of the "Five Pillars" of Islam and dressing up as a Muslim. "And as if that wasn't bad enough, he told me he wanted to wear the chador! Islam made my son a fairy!" she told reporters.

That episode followed a U.S. Supreme Court decision just a few weeks ago not to review a lower court's ruling that a similar class requirement in the Byron Union School District in California, where students were instructed to "become Muslims" was "cultural education."

"Now you tell me how that's 'cultural education,' asked Pipes. "Islam isn't our culture, Jesus is."

A man arrested as a terrorist suspect for allegedly trying to transport $340,000 from a group tied to Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, and who reputedly had connections to Osama bin Laden, helped write the "Religious Expression in Public Schools" guidelines issued by President Clinton during his tenure in office. "OK, so it turns out he was actually trying to kill another Arab, but you can't be too careful with these guys," Pipes told reporters.

"Textbook editors seem not to recognize that a school-related Islamic agenda in the U.S. uses multiculturalism as a device to guarantee a purely favorable and uncritical view of all things Muslim," said Sewall. "If anybody's going to get a free ride, it's going to be us," he added.

"These passages of religious propaganda have been devised by individuals or groups that seek to use the public schools for spreading their own sectarian doctrines and for recruiting converts. In various cases, publishers evidently have accepted material from religious pressure groups and have put the material into textbooks, even though it is laden with blatant preaching, miracle-mongering and fake 'history,'" Bennetta said. "And no, I'm not talking about the Discovery Insitute," he added. "So quit asking me."

"If our nation's cultural underpinnings are in conflict with religious dogma and values that are intent on replacing or even eradicating them, should not children and their teachers be made aware?" Sewall asked. "And no, I'm not talking about Dobson, so quit asking."

"America does not comprehend Muslim resolve to make America Islam," Shroder wrote. "Suicide bombers have already demonstrated their willingness to kill and die for it," Sewall said. "Too bad we didn't think of that when we sent missionaries to Africa. Those little spear chuckers would all be praising Jesus now."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The President Will Take Your Questions Now, But Don't Expect Answers

Hey, come on man. You've got to give us at least 24 hours notice before you have a press conference. We barely had time to get to the liquor store, and as for organizing the drinking game, well since you killed Stay The Course all we've got is stand up and stand down. Jeez. Have a little concern for those of us who follow current events will you?

In his opening moments at the podium in the East Room of the White House, Bush departed starkly from a practice of not talking about specific deaths in Iraq. "There has been heavy fighting, many enemy fighters have been killed or captured and we've suffered casualties of our own," he said. "War is hard. When you're dead you don't come back like in the movies. I understand that. Hey Brian, nice suit."

Despite conceding painful losses, Bush said victory was essential in Iraq as part of the broader war on terror. "We're winning and we will win," the president said. "I will win, you will win, he, she, it will win. Laura taught me how to conjugal. Pretty neat, huh?"

Bush said that as those fighting American and Iraqi forces change their strategies, the United States is also adjusting its military tactics. "Why just the other day we changed our slogan. We've changed the reason we invaded Iraq I don't know how many times since the war started. If that's not flexibility I don't know what is."

The president said that talk of timetables for troop withdrawals "is not coming from the inner circles in the U.S. government," but the product of the American election campaign. "We are not much concerned about that," he said. "Of course, as long as no one bombs the White House, or messes up my vacation, we're not much concerned about anything."

Bush sought a middle ground in terms of pressing the Iraqis to accept more of the responsibility for their own fate and said that "a fixed timetable for withdrawal in my judgment means defeat. Of course, it was my judgment that got us into this mess, so I might not be the best person to ask."

As he has repeatedly, Bush predicted that Republicans would hold control of the House and Senate in two weeks' time, despite widespread predictions to the contrary. "The American people will decide," who wins, he said. "At least that's what my friends at Diebold tell me."

Bush doggedly defended the job that defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has done. "I'm satisfied at how he's done all his jobs. He's a smart, tough, capable administrator," the president said. "For a complete idiot that is, but hey, who else would work in an administration like mine? And people already in jail or about to go don't count."

Bush spoke as polls showed the public has become strongly opposed to the war, and increasing numbers of Republican candidates have signaled impatience with the president's policies. "Oh, yeah, like it's my fault they're all going to jail or getting caught diddling the pages. Look, if I've told them once, I've told them a thousand times, set up shell companies and stay home when you drink, but do they listen? Why just the other day, Cunningham called me for a reference so he could get a job in the laundry. 'Duke,' I said, 'whatever made you think you could get away with that level of graft when your father was no where near as influential as mine?' 'My bad Mr. president,' he said. 'I forgot your cardinal rule of always have someone who can bail you out.' That's right I told him. You can't be a incompetent as I have for as long as I have and not learn athing or two along the way."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

We Never Promised To Stay The Course On "Stay The Course"

Ah, nothing clarifies one's thoughts like the approach of an election. If one is a politician about to be thrown out on one's ear because one happens to be a member of the same party as our Beloved Leader, President J. Doofus Dipwad that is.

"We're on the verge of chaos, and the current plan is not working," Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Don't Hold It Against Me) said in an Associated Press interview. "We're going to lose the House and maybe the Senate. Who's going to pay for us to go on golfing trips then? I mean the war's going badly."

The White House sought to ease political anxieties about security in Iraq, but rejected calls from lawmakers for a dramatic policy shift. "Look, nobody around here is up for reelection," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "I feel for those guys, but the president has said we're going to stay the course."

At that point the press briefing was interrupted by White House Counselor Dan Bartlett who said"It's never been a stay-the-course strategy." Unfortunately, before reporters could question him his head exploded.

When reporters reminded Secretary Snowjob that as recently as August, in a Salt Lake City speech, Bush said: "We will stay the course. We will help this young Iraqi democracy succeed," Snowjob ran for the room with his hands over his ears shouting "LA LA LA LA LA I can't hear you."

Earlier, in an interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos Bush said "We’ve never been stay the course, well, unless you count all the times I said 'stay the course,' but heck I'm on medication."

Bush said, "Well, I've been talking about a change in tactics ever since I — ever since we went in, because the role of the commander in chief is to say to our generals, `You adjust to the enemy on the battlefield.'" At that point the president burst out laughing. "Aw, heck, who am I kidding. Rummy won't even let me talk in those meetings. Shoot, for the first six months I thought we invaded Iran."

Meanwhile, U.S. officials in Iraq said Tuesday that government leaders there have agreed to develop a time line by the end of the year for progress in stabilizing Iraq and reducing violence that has killed 300 Iraqi troops during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan alone. "See, if they come up with a meaningless time line and after we bail things go south we can blame it on them," said General George Casey, the top U.S. commander. "Now that's a strategy."

Casey also said he felt the United States should continue to focus on drawing down the number of American forces in the country, adding that he would not hesitate to ask for more troops if he felt they were necessary. "See even thought we need more troops, I use less troops, but if I wanted more I would ask for less because then we would have as many as we needed. It's a military thing. You wouldn't understand."

Rumsfeld visited the White House early Monday with General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Rumsfeld said the United States was looking at when the Iraqis would move close to setting up a reconciliation process to help quell worsening sectarian violence between Sunnis and Shiites. "Our current estimates put reconciliation at about 2098, so we figure the troops will be home by Christmas," Rumfeld told reporters after the meeting.

Deputy Prime Minister Barham Saleh said international forces must not abandon Iraq while the situation there remains volatile. "I do believe there is no option for the international community to cut and run," he told reporters. "And by 'international community' I mean the Americans and I think there is still a battalion of cooks from Birkina Faso."

Monday, October 23, 2006

But Karl Said It Would Be OK

See, here's the problem with immigration. These people come over here, spend a few years learning English by watching TV, then they try to get all American on us.

A republican congressional candidate whose campaign is being investigated for sending intimidating letters to Hispanic voters lashed out at his democratic rival, saying she was fueling the uproar over the mailings. "I know she gets phone calls from Clinton almost every day," said Tan Nguyen about his democratic opponent Representative Loretta Sanchez. "Curt Weldon has her office under surveillance."

"There have been underage children involved so why is there a criminal investigation three weeks prior to a very important election?" Nguyen asked. "I'll tell you why. The leftist police department is in the pocket of the liberal east coast elite, that's why. They're trying to do to me what Hillary did to Tom DeLay. Either that or it's the terrorists."

Nguyen said he would stay in the race despite calls from the state GOP and others to quit. "We got enough problems," said a spokesperson for the RNCC. "Besides, the guy's Asian or something isn't he? How'd he even get in the republican party?"

Nguyen said he did not authorize or approve the letters, which warn in Spanish: "You are advised that if your residence in this country is illegal or you are an immigrant, voting in a federal election is a crime that could result in jail time."

"Hey, do I look like I speak Spanish?" Nguyen asked reporters.

Immigrants who have become naturalized U.S. citizens are eligible to vote. "Oh, yeah. Like I'm supposed to know the voting law applies to all immigrants."

William Braniff, a spokesman for the Nguyen campaign and a former U.S. Attorney, blamed the controversy on the media, whom he said had mistranslated the word "emigrado," which appeared in the Spanish-language letter. "Cripes you guys, this is Califreakinfornia. You should know 'emigrado' means wet back."

Braniff did acknowledge that the letter originated in Nguyen's office. He declined to give further details, citing the ongoing state and federal probes. "Yeah, I think Tan was in the back cooking some rice or something when we wrote it."

Friday, October 20, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, the overlords...no one cares more about the fate of the units...er...dogs than they do. Think about it. After you've exploited a dog for every penny you can, after you've managed to avoid actual work by taking advantage of a greyhound's natural joy in running, even if it is running around an oval with too many other dogs, inches from death so social security recepients with third grade eduacations can win enough money for a pack of cigarettes, you can go up to that dog's two and a half by three foot cage and say thanks for the effort, I'm letting you go.

As the greyhound racing season ends in New Hampshire, what happens to the dogs? They aren't euthanized, officials say, and some get better treatment than most house pets.


At the Lodge at Belmont, most of the 250 dogs go on racing at other locations. This year, 90 dogs remain, with 70 going into retirement. These dogs go up for adoption. But for the second year in a row, the influx of dogs coming in from The Lodge and other tracks in the state are causing an overflow, according to Ken Wright, director of the Central New Hampshire chapter of Greyhound Pets of America.

"We'll ship as many as we can off to the low grade tracks where conditions are even worse than here, sell a bunch to medical experimentation and try to get rid of whatever's left over," Wright said. "We operate on the out of sight out of mind principle here, so a dog that's gone is a good dog."

But hold on. Because some overlords care so much for the units, they do everything within their power to see that adoption is the fate for all their unprofitable inventory.

Well, maybe not.

A former owner of greyhound racing dogs has accused an Iowa man of pretending to adopt more than 1,000 dogs, then selling them for medical experiments. "I care about my units...er...dogs," said George Panos, who raced greyhounds out of a kennel in Hudson, Wisconsin. "And this guy took dogs I thought were going to be adopted and sold them. Worse, I didn't get a cut."

Daniel Shonka of Cedar Rapids sold the dogs to a medical research firm in St. Paul, Minnesota, for an estimated $400 to $500 each. The firm used the dogs for medical tests, implanting them with cardiac devices such as pacemakers, the lawsuit said. The dogs were then euthanized.

Shonka could not be reached for comment. "He's on a collection trip out west right now," said a spokesperson from his office. "But he categorically denies Panos' charges. It was more like $300 per dog. Do you know what shape a racing dog is in when it comes off a track? We're lucky we got that."

OK, let's see if we got this straight. After a greyhound has done all it can do to keep the overlords from having to actually work for a living it is either killed, sold for medical research, or adopted. OK, that's a one in three chance for a life after the track. Well, unless it's given to an adoption program that sells it for medical research. Bongo, you are one lucky puppy.

Bongo is very sweet and loving. He follows the Foster Mom all around the house and pushes his way in between other 2 greys in house for all the attention. He loves to look at himself in the mirror and throws his toys all around the house when he plays. He loves his squeaky toys. His foster mom is training him to sit and he’s ½ way there. He is very pretty and loveable. Bongo would do best in a home with another dog to keep him company, as he tends to be vocal when left alone. For that reason, he needs a single family home with someone home more often. He is good with well-mannered children, ages 5 and up. He would okay, as an only dog if someone were home more often to give him attention. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The War Is Going Well, Except The Part That's Going Poorly

Hello Thursday readers. We're coming to you today from the Department of the Painfully Obvious here at IM Central. Take it away Pentagon spokesperson:

The two-month-old U.S.-Iraqi bid to crush violence in the Iraqi capital has not met "overall expectations," as attacks in Baghdad rose by 22 percent in the first three weeks of Ramadan, the U.S. military spokesman said.

Hmm...We set out to "crush" violence. It goes up by 22 percent. Jeez, what were our expectations Mr Pentagon spokesperson? "Well, we were hoping to reduce the gunfire enough for us to get to the airport and get the heck out of Dodge, if you get my drift."

The gloomy assessment of the operation, which began Aug. 7 with the deployment of an extra 12,000 U.S. and Iraqi troops, was issued at a time of perceived tension between the United States and the nearly five-month-old government of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. "Look. We invaded the country, wrecked the infrastructure and set off a civil war," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "Then we give the countrty back to the Iraqis. Now they're all whinning about 'Oh, we can't stop the car bombs,' or 'Oh, where's our electricity,' ungrateful twits."

Witnesses in Ramadi confirmed that masked gunmen staged a military-like parade, carrying banners exhorting people to support an Islamic state in Iraq announced by a militant group. They said mosques in the city used loudspeakers to rally support for the new state. Insurgents are not known to control any territory. However, the Ramadi parade pointed to their growing confidence in a city where U.S. and Iraqi forces have a heavy presence.

Asked how this could happen in a city where there was a supposed "heavy" presence by American forces, Snowjob said that by "heavy, we mean that's where we send the fat soldiers."

Bush was asked in an ABC News interview whether he agreed with an opinion by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman that the current violence in Iraq was the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive. "Daddy kept me out of that war," the president replied. "But there's certainly a stepped-up level of violence, and we're heading into an election so I wish those rag heads would just admit they're beaten, or we could lose the House."

White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said the president was not trying to say that it was the turning point in Iraq, as the Tet offensive has come to symbolize for Vietnam. "The guy's on medication, OK?" Snowjob told reporters. "Sometimes I wonder why Cheney lets him talk at all."

Bush has taken a more flexible tone on Iraq, saying he is open to adjusting policy, as the November 7 elections approach with his Republican Party facing the possibility of losing control of the U.S. Congress over an unpopular war. "We can stay the course a little faster, or a little slower," Bush said. "I'm all about changing with the times."

Bush has maintained that Iraq is not embroiled in civil war and continues to insist that U.S. troops will not leave until Iraqis can take over security for their country. "Well, where are the slaves," the president asked. "How can you have a civil war without the slaves? And Ken Burns. How can you have a civil war without him? That's all I'm saying."

"Look, here's how I view it," Bush said. "First of all, al Qaeda is still very active in Iraq. They are dangerous. They are lethal. They are trying to not only kill American troops, but they're trying to foment sectarian violence. They believe that if they can create enough chaos, the American people will grow sick and tired of the Iraqi effort and will cause government to withdraw," he said. "Yeah. Like the people matter. What is this a democracy or something? Goofy Arabs."

PS: Our rummaging around in the blog closet yesterday also turned up a link to this blog. Now, this is the blog of Mrs. Coyote Mercury, and a very classy one it is too. Oh, not that yours isn't classy too James...we just meant...umm...Oh look at the time...gotta go.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Turning In The Homework. Late Again

Every once in a while we are struck with the urge to clean out this blog. You'd be surprised what collects at the bottom. Or frightened. Anyway usually enough time has passed that we've forgotten about the little "Blogs that link here" sign so we click on it and it takes us to a page that purportedly lists blogs that link to us.

Yeah. We don't really believe that either, but there's no accounting for taste so stick with us here. Yesterday while clicking through these alledged links we came upon this. Now, our first thought was songs that make us cry? No way. We're up to a 9 on the manly scale of absolute gender and we're not about to risk incurring the General's ire by appearing French.

But then we thought, well, we don't actually have that many blog friends, James and George being the only two who might (with the proper remuneration) consent to being seen in public with us, so maybe a little tiny crack in our finely chisled (you have no idea how many levels of meaning) "Spartan" visage wouldn't cause a catastrophic drop in our testosterone levels, so here goes.

First we always cry when Michael Bolton sings, but that's just because it hurts our ears. Kevin Federline also makes us cry when he sings (shouts) but we don't think that's what George was going for when he started this.

Now, we have to say that Jimi Hendrix's version of All Along The Watchtower doesn't really make us cry, but it does put us in a particular mood everytime we hear it. There's something about the haunting quality of his voice, the story of the song and the way the music supports it all that takes us someplace else, perhaps to that castle wall with the princess.

We would be remiss, given our generation, if we didn't mention Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven and Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles both songs capable of taking us from wherever we are to another time and place. Silly little songs really, but then emotion is not ruled by the intellect.

OK, so maybe we didn't do such a good job at this, but introspection and exegesis is not what this blog is all about. Sophomoronic humor and bathroom jokes are more our style. Now we understand that to continue the meme we are supposed to challenge another blogger to pick up where we leave off. Or maybe start over would be a better request.

We've always been impressed with TBogg's knowledge of music so we'd like to know what he would do with this, but he is far too intelligent, witty and urbane to be hanging out in this neighborhood, so we're not too hopeful of finding out. We also find the Slacktivist to be very knowlegeable in this area, but again, were he to be driving by this blog, he would probably roll up the wiondows and turn the radio up very loud. Then wash his car when he got home. Such is the cross we bear.

PS: George has also started another little activity called put a caption on the Flickr which looks like it could be a lot of fun. One of these days we'll have to sober up enough to figure out how to do that.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My Name's Curt And I'm A Clintoholic

Whoa! Hey. Tuesday already? Man. We have got to pay more attention at meetings. So, anyway the week is two days old and what does it have to show for itself? Well, North Korea still has the bomb, president Bush is still torturing people, although legally now (Ain't that America?) and Curt Weldon is still crazy. And this week is different...how?

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice left for Asia to press Washington's partners to fully enforce UN sanctions against North Korea and prepare an even tougher response if Pyongyang carries out further nuclear tests. "We've got them backed into a corner now," Rice told reporters. "We're going to really turn up the heat. What could go wrong?"

president Bush signed legislation authorizing tough interrogation of terror suspects and smoothing the way for trials before military commissions, calling it a "vital tool" in the war against terrorism. "For too long some people have believed that we have to obey our own and international laws," the president said. "Well, I'm here to tell you if we do that, the terrorists win."

Federal agents raided the homes of Representative Curt Weldon's (R-Russia) daughter and one of his closest political supporters yesterday as part of an investigation into whether the veteran Republican congressman used his influence to benefit himself and his daughter's lobbying firm, according to sources familiar with the investigation. "Well of course he used his influence to benefit himself," said an aide to the Congressman. "He's a republican isn't he? Wait, that didn't come out right."

OK, something in here has to be Clinton's fault. Anyone?

In an interview with a Pennsylvania blog Weldon outlined a left-wing conspiracy against him that included: "Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) and its head, Melanie Sloan (who filed a complaint against Weldon with the FBI -- in 2004) ... former President Bill Clinton; former CIA official Mary McCarthy; former senior Justice Department official/9-11 Commission panelist Jamie Gorelick; former national security adviser Sandy Berger ('I know what he stole -- I know why he stole it!'); and the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee."

Oh Yeah Baby! That's what we're talking about! Finally, some accountability in Washington. Ha...wait a minute. Clinton isn't in Washington anymore. OK. All right. Hang on a minute. Let's see. Uh...that's not going to work. Umm...we need a...we need...Wait! Drinking! Yeah! Curt, you got the alcoholism. You didn't know what you were doing with the pages...er...the Russians. You need the rehab.

No wait. Even better. Clinton drove you to drink because he was getting all that nookie and you were left holding the...erm...bag. OK we need to work on that a little.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Greetings Friday readers. We're coming to you today from the Big Doings Department her at IM Central. And no, we're not talking about big doings in the wonderful wacky world of the overlords. Big doings for them are things like indoor plumbing. What we're talking about is Dewey Beach.

More than 3,500 greyhounds from across the country descend on the Delaware seashore for Reach the Beach. In its 12th year, Reach the Beach, with its ice cream socials and morning walks, is not just a sandy playground for the fast canine and its human families. There are seminars, such as What is My Greyhound Trying to Tell Me? and When I'm Older, canine first aid, massage and physical therapy, other events including dinners, the Beer and Biscuits Costume Ball and the Greyhounds in Art Show.

Yep. Dewey Beach is to greyhound folks what Woodstock was to hippies, what Sturgis is to motorcycle hoodlums, what chocolate milk at lunch is to president Bush.

And you best believe we got the party going on 24/7. OK, maybe not 24/7. OK. When we say party we mean napping in groups, but hey, they call them 40 mph couch potatoes for a reason, you know? We're not talking Terriers here folks.

Hey Tuff. Maybe you can go next year. Bring us back a T-shirt.

Tuff is very sweet, happy, self-assured, and loving. He will approach and put his face in your face for attention. He is also a big time leaner. He is well-mannered for his young age. He is recovering from a broken leg. He will have a cast on his leg until ~Mid to late November. Tuff would probably do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Yankees Lose In Four? Blame The Clenis

Now, we're as much into passing the buck as the next fellow. In fact, we have been known to wear gloves to work so we don't get blisters from moving the Benjamins on through, but we have to say, the current administration's penchant for blaming everything on Clinton is getting a little old. We mean, it's been six years now, wouldn't it be logical to assume that the president's boys could have done something on their own, like, oh we don't know, invade a country for no particular reason.

In what sounded to many Washington ears yesterday like an early shot in the 2008 presidential campaign, Senator John McCain (R-Say Anything) singled out Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-Wiffle Bat) as he denounced the Clinton administration's policies toward North Korea. "Sure I know she wasn't the president, but she's a Clinton isn't she?"

"I would remind Senator Clinton and other Democrats critical of Bush administration policies that the framework agreement her husband's administration negotiated was a failure," McCain said. "Of course the talks were ongoing, nobody was dying, no countries were invaded, our government ran a surplus because it didn't have to pay for a useless war, and it turns out Iraq was being kept in check by UN Inspectors. But other than that the Clinton administration was an unmitigated disaster."

Aides said McCain was responding to Hillary Clinton's comments. "Senator Clinton pointed out that since Bush has come into office both North Korea and Iran have pushed their nuclear programs forward, American foreign policy seems to be more concerned with Prada than Pyongyang, and Senator McCain has facilitated the wholesale abandonment of the Constitution. But other than that, the Bush administration seems to be doing a bang up job," an aide to Clinton said.

"Yeah. Well, if Clinton hadn't let Osama escape at Tora Bora we wouldn't need to trash the Constitution," McCain told reporters. When he was told it was Bush who let Osama go at Tora Bora he replied that "Tora Bora wouldn't have mattered if Clinton had prevented 9/11. When told that Clinton had given the Bush administration information that could have led to the prevention of 9/11 McCain said he was "very tired" and was going back to the Straight Talk Express to lie down.

McCain and fellow Republicans left little doubt that his remarks were made with an eye on presidential politics, which will move to center stage after the Nov. 7 midterm elections. "Look, the last thing we want to do is talk about republican policies," said an Aide to McCain. "Heck, after the elections we're not even sure there'll be any republicans in Congress. Bill and Hillary are all we got."

House Majority Leader John A. Boehner of Ohio said in a statement McCain "is absolutely right." Congressional Democrats, he said, "haven't learned a thing from the mistakes the Clinton administration made with respect to North Korea. It's been our policy to do absolutely nothing with regards to North Korea for the last six years just so American voters can see how screwed up Clinton's policy was."

Reached at his Crawford ranch president Bush said, "My buddy Bandar says not to worry. North Korea ain't got no oil. Now watch this drive."

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Oh, This Is Too Good To Pass Up

We had to look at this picture several times before we could believe it. Dennis Hastert schedules his news conference on why Bill Clinton and the democrats are really at fault for Mark Foley...in a graveyard!
Now what could have possessed this man to drag his corpulent butt up out of his overstuffed leather chair, haul it down to the limo and ask to be driven to the nearest boneyard so he could announce that this Foley problem isn't really a problem because the islamofacisitninja shadow demons from Mars, or the democrats, are really behind it. The only thing that could have made this better is if he had done it in an elephant graveyard.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Hey, World Instability Is My Job

President Bush denounced a reported North Korean nuclear test as provocative, "unacceptable" and a threat to global peace and security. "If anybody's going to be a threat to global peace and security, it's going to be me," the president told reporters.

"Look," the president continued, "Kim il Jong isn't even a Christian. Now me and Ahmadinejad both know the end of the world is coming. It's just a matter of who gets here first, Jesus or Mohammed. We don't need no Buddha lover horning in on this."

In a brief statement in the diplomatic reception room of the White House, Bush said that North Korea already was "one of the world's leading proliferators" of missile technology. "Right behind us," the president said. "And we don't need the competition."

"The transfer of nuclear weapons or material by North Korea to states or non-state entities would be considered a grave threat to the United States," Bush said. "And we would hold North Korea fully accountable for the consequences of such action. And by consequences we mean impotent threats and meaningless name calling. Don't make me send Bolton over there," the president warned.

Bush, speaking soberly, said that in his discussion with other world leaders, "All of us agreed thatI'm an idiot. Then we agreed the proclaimed actions taken by North Korea are unacceptable and deserve an immediate response by the United Nations Security Council."Added the president: "Threats will not lead to a brighter future for the North Korean people. But since I've pretty much screwed the pooch with Iraq and Afghanistan, threats is all we got."

House Speaker Dennis Hastert R-Homo Hider, issued a statement denouncing North Korea's action as "the desperate act of a criminal regime" and said the House would support Bush and the international community in condemning that country's "reckless decision. In fact, we'd support dog poo in the Congressional cafeteria if it would take the focus off Mark Foley."

John Bolton, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, said the United States would move quickly to seek a Security Council resolution condemning and possibly sanctioning North Korea. "I'll be getting that over to the UN right after I slap the snot out of my Secretary for letting my coffee get cold," Bolton said.

Asked whether he knew of any plans for a military response, White house Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said "Yeah. Right. What are we going to do? Activate the boy scouts?"

Another U.S. government official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of political sensitivity of the situation, said the seismic event could have been a nuclear explosion, but its small size was making it difficult for authorities to verify that. "See, part of the reason the North Koreans are the way they are is because of the small size of their...er...units. You'd think that the North Koreans and the president could find common ground here."

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh come on. This is clearly a case of over regulation of private affairs. Greyhounds being drugged so they have a better chance of winning the $38.72 prize. How can you not expect there's going to be some irregularities when your dealing with sums of money like that? Besides, where's the harm? It's the dogs who are drugged, not the overlords. Well, not right away at least.

Vinnie Jones is demanding the prize money his greyhound won at the world's richest race even though the dog proved positive for an illegal substance. "He could have picked that up anywhere," Jones told reporters. "Have you seen the crowd that hangs out around a greyhound track?"

A source close to Jones said, "We were never given any statements by witnesses who compiled the drugs test evidence. We tried to talk with the track veterinarian, but he was as drunk as the rest of them."

The greyhound named Boavista won the Irish Cup earlier this year but was later disqualified after testing positive for a prohibited substance. "I want to know what that means," Jones told reporters. And I also want to know why they collected the dog's urine sample in a shot glass. Was that shot glass sterile? I don't think so."

Well, in such a well regulated, professional sport such as this it's hard to imagine why anyone would even attempt such a thing, right Demi?

Demi is an energetic, playful, friendly, outgoing, happy, puppy-like, young girl. She will put her nose against you or lean against you for attention. She can be found in the “cockroach” position (on her back, feet in the air) from time to time. When she gets excited she will pull her lips back and “smile” (which looks a little like a snarl.) Demi would do well in a family that can let her out mid-day. She is good with well-mannered children, 4 years old and older. She is good with other dogs and would probably be okay as an only dog in a family that will play with her often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

He's A Pedophile, Not A Homo. Dobson's OK With That

OK, we're a little confused over this whole Tom Foley coochie coochie, I'm really just a helpless drunk who was made this way by my priest, say how big is your...episode. Yeah, Foley's a pervert, we get that part, but why is Denny Hastert going around telling everyone who will listen without bursting out laughing (That would be Rush--inventor of the oxycontin martini--Limbaugh) that this is a "partisan" issue.

We seem to recall that partisan issues are those in which the two sides come down along party lines. Now, Hastert is saying the democrats have made a partisan issue about the fact that the republicans knew Foley was...erm...more than willing to help pages acclimate to their new surroundings, and yet, did nothing about it. OK, if this is a partisan issue that means the Republicans are all for teaching pages the...um...shall we say ins and outs of government at the most personal level. We suppose the next step is adding this plank to the party platform: "Be it resolved that the Republican Party stands 100% behind the Page...er...program."

So if open season on the young boys is the official Republican...umm...position then the only partisan response for the democrats is to be against that. Hence our confusion because everyone knows the Clenis has infected all democrats with unbridled libidos and uncontrollable urges when it come to anything in a skirt.

Oh, wait a minute. Skirts. Boxers. We think we just answered our own question.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Have A Problem With Our Policies? Tell Me. Go Ahead, Make My Day

OK, the first thing we thought when we read this was is this guy an idiot? Come on, Cheney shot a guy in the face and made the guy apologize. Are you really sure you want to get all up in his grill?

A Colorado man who was arrested on harassment charges after he approached vice president Dick Cheney to denounce the war in Iraq filed a federal lawsuit accusing a Secret Service agent of civil rights violations. "I'm just glad to still be alive," said Steven Howards. "My lawsuit is an attempt to keep myself in the public eye so you'll all know if I suddenly have an unfortunate 'accident.'"

Howards, an environmental consultant who lives in Golden, Colorado, says he stepped up to the vice president to speak his mind in a public place and later found himself in handcuffs. "I remember being pushed to the ground and hearing one of the secret service agents saying 'don't shoot sir, we have him under control. Please don't shoot this one too.'"

Mr. Howards’s lawyer, David A. Lane, said Mr. Cheney might be called as a witness. "And yes, I've requested police protection," Lane said when reporters asked if he were seriously considering summoning the vice president."

A spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney referred questions on the matter to the Secret Service. "Oh, and tell that Howards guy not to make any long range plans," the spokeswoman said.

Mr. Howards, 54, said at a news conference here that he was taking his 8-year-old son to a piano lesson on June 16 at the Beaver Creek Resort about two hours west of Denver when he saw Mr. Cheney at an outdoor mall. Mr. Howards said he approached within two feet of Mr. Cheney and said in a calm voice, “I think your policies in Iraq are reprehensible.”

According to Mr. Howards, the vice president looked at him and said "Hope that shirt is bulletproof."

About 10 minutes later, he said, he was walking back through the area when Agent Reichle handcuffed him and said if he wanted to get out of the mall alive act like he'd been arrested.

Mr. Howards said he was released on $500 bond after about three hours in jail. A state judge dismissed the charge about three weeks later at the request of the Eagle County district attorney, Mark Hurlbert. “It was our understanding that the vice president did not want to prosecute,” Mr. Hurlbert said. "The vice presdient told me he wanted Howards all to himself," he added.

The suit joins two others — in West Virginia and another in Denver — charging that Secret Service agents or White House staff members violated the law in keeping people with opposing political views away from President Bush or Mr. Cheney. "Do these people have a death wish?" Hulbert asked.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

We Will Do Our Utmost To Protect Americans Against...Oh Look, A Sale!

You have to feel a little sorry for Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. I mean here the poor woman is running all over the world looking for shoe bargains...er...seeking world peace, and now she's expected to remember a meeting she had like, even before 9/11. Come on. Before 9/11 who knew meetings would be important?

Anyway, first she said she didn't blow the CIA Director George (Slam Dunk) Tennet off.

Secretary Rice disputed a report that she brushed off the head of the CIA when he warned of a possible attack on the United States before September 11, 2001. "Look, guys don't talk to me that much at all," Rice told reporters. "I'm not in a position to be blowing any guy off."

Well, we can certainly understand that, but then later she said she didn't remember the meeting.

"It kind of doesn't ring true that you have to shock me into something I was very involved in," Rice said. "I mean my apartment was being redecorated at the time and, oh my, there were so many decisions to make. I eventually went with the Ivory Berber in the living room, complimented by the...ah...what was the question again?"

Sean McCormack, an aide to Secretary Rice confirmed a meeting — on July 10, 2001 — that his boss had said repeatedly she could not specifically recall. "You've got to get to Connie in the morning," McCormack said. "Once the Chardonnay comes out, forget it."

Rice said she did not recall then CIA chief George Tenet warning her of an impending al-Qaida attack in the United States, as a new book claims he did two months before the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001. "It was always an afternoon meeting with the CIA. We'd have a few drinks. The cheese tray was usually fantastic, and George would wear this really cute tie that lit up and played the Star Spangled Banner," Rice said. "Well, I'd have a couple of Chardonnays and Michael Bolton would be on the stereo. I guess I could have been...um...distracted."

Although spokesmen for the State Department and the National Security Council indicated that such a meeting had taken place, Rice was still saying that she was not sure about it. "Were there Hors d' Oeuvres?" Rice asked. "If you can tell me what was served I might be able to remember. Does anyone recall what I was wearing? Did I have my Louis Vuitton, or my Hermes crocodile skin?"

The meeting is not part of the 9/11 Commission report, but was referred to obliquely in a report by the commission's predecessor, a joint congressional panel that investigated the 9/11 attacks. That report said that "senior U.S. government officials were advised by the intelligence community on June 28 and July 10, 2001, that the attacks were expected, among other things, to 'have dramatic consequences on governments or cause major casualties' and that 'attack preparations have been made. Attack will occur with little or no warning.'"

"Oh, attacks, plans, intel," Rice said. "It was all so dreary. I told Tennet he needed to lighten up. Well, I would have said that if there had been a meeting, I mean."

Meanwhile, former Attorney General John Ashcroft said that he should have been notified of any such report dealing with a pending attack on the United States. "It just occurred to me how disappointing it was that they didn't come to me with this type of information," he said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I would have started arresting brown people all over the place. We might have gotten lucky and caught somebody."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Just Another Manic Monday

We're coming to you today from the caffeine free department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. It seems the coffee maker picked this particular weekend to turn its solid state innards into a mass of silicon goop and now the little electrons that used to fly through its transistors and bring us that magic elixir are trapped somewhere in a dry dimension.

Plus, it's raining.

Even so, never let it be said that we shirked our responsibilities to you our readers, or reader as the case may be (Hi Mom...send instant) so onward we go, casting our rather desultory eye across the landscape.

Hmmm...Pervs in Congress. Nothing new there. Iraq a mess. Same o same o. Rice didn't pay attention to warnings about bin Laden. Well, who can blame her? Everyone knows there was no way to stop the Clinton's plan. Oh look, George Michael arrested on drug charges. Why is that news?

Seems the news is as dreary and predictable as the weather. Wait a minute. This is interesting.

An award-winning Texas art teacher who was reprimanded after one of her fifth-grade students saw a nude sculpture during a trip to a museum has lost her job. "Museum, porno shop, what's the difference. We ain't into none of that nakedidity here in Texas," said a parent who lead the group demanding the teacher's ouster. "And it don't make no never mind that we signed them permission slips neither. You think we can read that stuff?" he added.

Art teacher Sydney McGee said the principal at Fisher Elementary School had urged her to take the students to the museum. McGee's lawyer said the principal admonished her after a parent complained that a student had seen nude art. Reached at her home for comment, Principal Ernestine Strickly said she wasn't aware that there was going to be art in the museum. "I thought it was a water park," she told reporters.

McGee, who was honored with a Star Teacher Award two years ago, is on paid administrative leave until her contract with the school district expires in March. "I'm sorry she lost her job," one parent said. "But if the good lord had meant us to be necked he'd a borned us thataway."

Other parents are worried about the future of the art program at the school, which they cite as a reason for moving into the neighborhood."Our main concern right now is what's going to happen to the children and what's going to happen to the art program at Fisher Elementary. It is the best art program. That's the reason we moved to this neighborhood. It's because of the teachers," said Shannon Allen, organizer of a McGee support group called "Parents With All Their Teeth."