Monday, August 31, 2009

No Accounting For Taste

It seems we have won an award:

Honest Blog Award

The award comes from Friend of the Show Seeing Eye Chick and all we can say is it must have been one heck of a party that caused the normally quite cogent and eloquent Ms. Chick to lose her rationality to the point where she would consider this blog worthy of any sort of approbation.

Of course when greatness is thrust upon one, one also has to accept responsibilities, so, there are rules:

The Instructions are:

1. You must brag about the award

2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger

3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.

5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

Now, with reference to requirements one and two let us just say that we are quite flattered that SEC would consider us for such an accolade (Her obviously altered mental state aside). It certainly beats the usual fare of responses we get to this blog from folks like John Parker or Doug Pizzi whose basic message is STFU.

As for requirement three, we're not quite sure that any blog we would choose to honor would see that recognition as a positive, but here goes:

1. sleeping alone and starting out early.
2. November Fifth
3. Blogging for Michigan
4. End Tucson Greyhound Racing
5. I'm Not One to Blog But...
6. Coyote Mercury
7. Yoga for Cynics

The links are all over there on your right. No, your other right.

Requirement five is quite problematic for us, because the first honest thing that we would tell you about ourselves is that we're never honest about ourselves. Honestly.

The second is that right about now we're pretty sure Seeing Eye Chick is having second thoughts.

We're big fans of the needle nose. That should have been obvious.

We favor the public option, and that fulfills our quota of seriousness for the day.

Cubs Fans. Shut up.

Left handed.

We prefer two wheels to four.

We're not very good at following directions.

If you need us, we'll be down in the trophy room hanging our plaque.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah America. We're truly a melting pot, you know? Or maybe mosaic is your preferred metaphor. No matter, the point is there's a place for everyone in this giant Frogmore Stew of a country.

Take the overlords for example. Most places are actively trying to get rid of them, or at least cross over to the other side of the street when they're coming. But then you go down to West Virginia and you find out that, not only are they welcome, the state is even willing to build them tracks to train the on. Is that sweet or what?

The state Racing Commission has set aside $2 million while it studies whether West Virginia needs two facilities to train greyhounds. Legislation passed in 2008 mandates the construction of two tracks to train greyhound pups, one in southern West Virginia and one in the northern part of the state. "Well, it's not like we have poor people, or people who are hungry or lacking in medical care in this state," said one legislator. "We figured this would be a good use of taxpayer money, especially since the schools are in such great shape."

Well said Mr. Legislator sir. See, this is how a participatory democracy is supposed to work. The people's elected officials prioritize the needs of the citizens, and then move to meet those needs. Right out of the democracy textbook, folks. Those jerks in Washington could learn a lot from these guys.

And of course the overlords are most grateful and appreciative of the support they get from their fellow citizens' hard earned tax dollars, right Sam Burdette, president of the West Virginia Greyhound Owners and Breeders Association?

Burdette says the association doesn't object to training tracks, but believes the state's planned facilities are too elaborate and expensive. "Plus they're out in the open," Burdette said. "You think we want people seeing how we train these dogs? Cripes, you set them to chasing a little pig or something and there's blood all over the place. Not to mention what happens to the dogs that aren't fast enough. Why if just one of those training sessions got out on to the You Tube, racing would be outlawed in this state so fast it'd make your head swim. Er...I mean it would be distracting for the dogs."

Hmm...Yeah, we can see where that'd be a problem, Mr. Burdette. Any ideas TK?

TK loves chewing on bones. He is affectionate and is always close to his foster family. He puts his head in your lap. TK is a confident and easy going boy. He loves to play with his toys. He knows how to sit and is learning to fetch. TK would do well in a working family with well-mannered children, 7 and older. He gets along with other dogs of various sizes and cats and would probably do well by himself. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Not So Great And Almost Hopeless

We're coming to you from the Self Awareness Department today here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SAD is a division of the Dunning Kruger Company, a wholly owned subsidy of WTF, LLC. But first, this important announcement:

Republicans are so funny when they tell the truth. It just sort of slips out of them like a fart that was intended to be silent but instead births itself with a happy little toot. Then they get all red faced and blame it on the dog.

Take Lynn Jenkins for example. Ms. Jenkins is a Congresswoman from Kansas (Motto: What? We thought it was funny). Recently, at a GOP fundraiser attended by several conscious people, Ms. Jenkins opined that, "the republican pooty is looking for a great white hope to help stop the political agenda of the Democratic party and President Barack Obama."

Now, in Ms. Jenkins' defense we have to say that she is from Kansas, a state that often has to borrow minorities from Illinois for events such as Cinco de Mayo, Chinese New Year and Rapper night down at the Karaoke Club.

Also to her credit, as soon as people who knew there actually are people in the world who aren't white contacted her, she had her staff blame it on the dog:

A Jenkins spokeswoman told The Topeka Capital-Journal that Jenkins apologized for her word choice and did not intend to offend anyone white. "Representative Jenkins isn't really a boxing fan," the spokeswoman said. "I doubt if she even knew that Johnson fellow was a darky."

Well, glad we cleared that up. Now back to your regularly scheduled barking spider.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Eye Of Newt, And Toe Of Frog, Wool Of Bat, And Tongue Of Dog, For a Charm Of Powerful Trouble

We're coming to you today from deep in the stacks of the Main Library here in the marbled halls of IM Central, specifically the fiction department. We like to come down here every once in a while and relive our salad days as professional transmitters of literary culture to the upcoming generation.

What a professional joy it was to watch young eyes light up when we read them the dirty parts of the Canterbury Tales, or to tell them when Shakespeare wrote "Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie" he wasn't talking about sheep herding, or that if Blake had written "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained" today, he would have flunked his abstinence only class.

Yes, what a marvelous journey we took through the limitless universe of fiction. Watching students discover a magical world that ran parallel to their own, in fact supported the world they had to live in and, though the pages of a book, was always available. We like to think that through our ministrations the students were able to apprehend what Charles Eliot meant when he wrote, “Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”

We tell you this by way of establishing our credentials to speculate that Newt Gingrich doesn't have many non-fiction friends because he gave a speech the other day that came almost exclusively from books. Fiction books:
If you get a chance, read my friend Bill Forstchen’s novel, One Second After, which describes the fate of a small town, after an electromagnetic pulse attack. This book was inspired by a report that Congressman Roscoe Bartlett got seven nuclear physicists of enormous experience in our nuclear weapons industry to jointly produce. It’s based on fact, it is accurate, and it’s horrifying, and we have zero national strategy to respond to it today.
Forget EMP's Newt. What about Leningen Versus the Ants? It's based on fact, it's accurate and it's horrifying. In fact as we speak illegal immigrant fire ants are pouring across our boarders into the south and we have ZERO NATIONAL POLICY to deal with them today!
And I strongly recommend Alex Berenson, a New York Times reporter, who recently wrote a novel called The Silent Man, which is about an effort set off a Hiroshima-sized weapon in the Washington DC area at the time of a State of the Union.
One measly atomic bomb, Newt? Really? What about Beowulf? Not only is Grendal showing up whenever he feels like it and killing the warriors of Herorot, but his mom and an unnamed dragon are also wreaking havoc all over Geatland and we have ZERO NATIONAL POLICY to deal with them today!
But I’m not telling you these things to frighten you! I’m telling you for the same reason you tell your children to put on their seatbelts.
Wait a minute, so you really don't hate us for booting you out of the centers of power and assigning you to the periphery of wingnuttia? You really are just looking out for our own good? No hard feelings? You really would just like to show us the Cask of Amontillado?'re not Greek are you?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Get Thee To Dearborn Satan!

We've been trying to figure out what would cause people to vote against their own self interests, besides lack of oxygen at birth we mean. Take health care for example, you would think people would be all for finding a way to make sure everyone could count on being able to get help if they were sick without having to sell their children. And you'd further think that a government run program might be the best way to do that because government is like, responsible to the people, not the investors, or the CEO's bonus, so under a government plan you're more likely to be actually treated if you're ill rather than classified as a bad investment.

Then it struck us that perhaps these people aren't really against health care, they just don't trust the government to do it right. A reasonable position thinks us, but we wonder why the last eight years of the Bush administration deficit spending us into a depression funding an unnecessary war didn't catch their attention sooner. Maybe there was a Jerry Springer marathon on the tee vee or something, we don't know.

Well, we all know a government program is only as efficient as the people who run it and that's where we here in the Great Lakes State are lucky because we have a plethora of talented, intelligent, committed individuals willing to step forward and serve the public. Take Glenn Moon here, running for City Council in Livonia, Michigan. He has a plan to rescue the city financially, while improving city services and he's lined up some big names to help him out, right Glenn?

OK, now you may think making all the city employees work for a dollar a year is a bit too much of a sacrifice what with them having to pay mortgages, bills, eat and stuff, but look what the city is getting for that: All human souls come to god; the litter problem of improperly disposed of fetuses found on ground and human constructed ground surface solved; and elimination of imposition of self upon neighbor peace disturbance. We're not real sure what that means, but it doesn't sound like something that would attract businesses and residents to the city.

Let's Go Livonia!


Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we took a trip down to West Virginia to visit the overlords and learn about advanced track management and dog training techniques. We were particularly impressed with the bet on the race after it's over handicapping method, although it might explain why people who like gambling aren't coming out to the tracks so much.

Anyway, we thought this week we'd pop back down and take a closer look at the high degree of care and compassion the overlords have for the dogs. You know, like they're always telling us they do.
In late 2008 we received a packet of information that contained reports, memos and e-mails between WV owner-breeder Dean Miner of "Miner Racing Team" and Kansas owner-breeders Vince and Lance Berland. Together they formed a WV kennel company on August 28th, 2003, known as "Flying Eagles - Miner." Miner lives in Wheeling WV. In fact, the information came from one of their own employee’s.
Oh good. Now we'll get a chance to see first hand how decisions are made for the care of these dogs. As the overlords say, greyhounds are professional athletes after all, and to give them anything but the best care would be ludicrous given the investment they represent, right Dean Miner, Lance & Vince Berland?
Here is one of those e-mails…. Sent, January 26th, 2008 at 20:39:14 from Dean Miner to Lance Berland... .

"Lance: We’ve gotten killed in the last 10 days. Flying McGrath sprained a hock winning AA. Maloy broke a hock last week. Tarragon a hock tonight…done…euthanasia. Flying Ace and Flat Out Harley; Kay Dancemaker broke bones in his foot. Doves Augustus off limping today in AA."

On Sunday January 27th, 2008 at 11:005 PM came the reply from Lance Berland....

"As far as the injuries, five of those dogs are older and they are all males… Put them down if they cant be expected to return to racing….."
There, see? Proof positive that everything the overlords tell us about the commitment they have to he dogs and the responsibility they feel to make sure they're given the best of care is true. Well, except for that part about killing them when they can't make any more money part, but no program is perfect.

Hey, athletes are athletes right? And athletes get injured in any sport. Now it's true we wouldn't kill Eli Manning if he broke his leg, but at least while the dogs are competing their accommodations are first rate.
Greyhounds are constantly on the road being hauled across the US. Over the years, there have been too many hauling accidents to mention here. Not only are greyhounds killed and injured when any hauler has wrecked, but also maimed, killed and become deathly sick while being shipped to and from racetracks, breeding and training. Some locations they are hauled to aren’t on any map or racetrack brochure you will find. One such place, is a secluded training farm for pups that uses "live bait." It is in Oklahoma. Many well known owner - breeders in West Virginia send their dogs for the 4 to 6 week boot camp, depending on how long it takes to instill the killer instinct needed for racing. Training a dog to routinely chase down a defenseless animal and maul it to death can take some time.

WV State Senator Mike Green has been in the senate since 2006 and the greyhound industry since at least 1998, has used this trusted location with his former racing partner Harvey Maupin. Maupin, is also the Vice President of the WV Greyhound Breeders Association. Senator Green and Maupin ran"Green-Maupin Kennel" until 2008. How do we know this, Maupin said so.

How could these high profile owner-breeders trust that their dogs would be illegally trained with live bait, and in complete secrecy? Because, the man doing the training has more to lose then anyone if he is found out. Sam R. Burdette, President of the WV Greyhound Association & the 2009 Vice President of the National Greyhound Association is that trainer.
Oh come on now. Those are some pretty serious allegation laid against some of the most prominent citizens of the state. You can't just go around spreading malicious rumors like that without proof. How do you know this?
How do we know this? Maupin admitted to it. And, this author spoke to Burdette in Oklahoma in 2008. At the same time, longtime trainer-owner Paul Carbenou and Greyhound Racing expert and consultant Don Dodd, also confirmed it was occurring in 2008. Even though the Green-Maupin Kennels in WV had their own training farm, they couldn't use live bait there because of laws against it, and Senator Green’s image and reputation.
Oh. Well, ah...that's...uh...that's hard to argue with, huh Wilma?

Wilma is very sweet, outgoing and loving. She will push her chin against your leg and look up at you for attention. She is very happy and likes to give hugs. She loves to give hugs. Her ears stand straight up and she has a stunningly shiny coat. She likes to play with toys and shake them around. She has also fetched toys. Wilma would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep her company or as an only dog in a home that has someone home more often. She is good with other dogs and would probably be good with well-mannered children, 8 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Editor's Note: I'd like to step out of character here, and say that I make fun of these people because it's the only way I can get my mind around the callousness, unspeakable cruelty and depravity in which these people live every day of their despicable lives. I truly wonder if they are actually human beings.

People like Christine Dorchak, Susan Netboy and the authors of the piece quoted above, Jack Swint and Sam Webber are to be commended for having the courage to go into this dark, terrible jungle and fight to save innocent lives.

There is far and away more than enough cruelty and meaningless death in this world. As Mr. Swint says, greyhound racing is one example of inhumanity that we have the power to stop. Not everyone can be a world leader, or an ambassador for peace, but each of us can make a difference for a dog suffering silently under the abuse of people like Miner, Berland, Green, Maupin and Burdette.

Just writing those names makes me feel dirty. Let's clear our palates with another pooch looking for a forever couch. Meet Alex:

Alex is very sweet and he likes affectionate. He is a little timid and is reluctant to approach for pets, but loves to receive pets. He will come up to you for a treat. He is playful. He likes to play with the family’s greyhound. Alex would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with other dogs, and would probably do better in a home with another dog that will help him through his shyness.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Better Safe Than A Pillar Of Salt

Frequent reader(s) of this blog (Hi SN!) are familiar with the cold gaze of diminished mean are familiar with the fact that we aren't the most religious people in the world around the marbled halls of IM Central. In fact we wouldn't be religious at all, except we were brought up catholic and once you get the holy cold shower you're in--whether you want to be or not. We know this is true because we once asked Sister Arnulfa if you could quit being a catholic. Our question originated from the highest academic ideals because we had just learned that you had to be 18 in order to enter into a valid contract. Since the church baptizes at an age substantially below that threshold, we were interested in the legal ramifications.

Sister Arnulfa explained that god didn't do contracts and we were perfectly free to leave the church anytime we wished provided we wanted to burn in hell for all eternity after we died. That struck us as a little passive aggressive on god's part and we were about to comment when Dale mentioned he'd heard Mormons could re-baptize you into their church after you were dead and wondered if they did that to everyone, or just people who could help out the team in the celestial inter-faith co-ed softball league. At that point Sister Arnulfa got out Caesar's Commentaries like she always did when she sensed the class discussion moving away from her lesson plan and gave us the rest of the hour to translate Book III.

OK, so that was a long winded introduction to this story about the poor lady bus driver in Des Moines who was afraid to get on her bus because it had atheist cooties.

Angela Shiel was suspended after she refused to drive a bus with an Iowa Atheists & Freethinkers ad on its side. The ad reads "Don't believe in God? You are not alone. "Shiel says the message is against her Christian faith. "You think I want to be anywhere near that bus when god reads that sign?" Shiel asked. "Look what he did to the whole city of New Orleans just to get at a few homos. I love my lord and savior, but when he gets his smite on, you can't really call his strikes surgical if you know what I mean."

No argument here, Ms. Sheil, but we think you're OK because when you look at the rest of the story:

The transit authority removed the ads earlier this month after complaints from riders, then reversed course after meeting with the atheist group.
So the sign was on, then it was off, then it was on again. Now, god's a busy person what with convincing Michelle Bachman to run for president and all, and we're pretty sure he doesn't have time to wait around while the transit authority dilly dallies, so the fact that he hasn't sent a meteor your way for wasting his time pretty much means he's moved on to making sure the Cubs don't get in the World Series again this year and you're probably safe, but just to be certain, how about painting a bible verse on the roof of the bus. We suggest Timothy 5:1.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Uncle Cledus Visits The Marbled Halls

Well, there's been quite a bit o' chin music lately about them fellers a carrying their bang sticks out to meet that colored guy you all elected president of these here united states. Now, most times I don't cotton to havin' to explain somethin' that's plain as the nose on your face, specially to a bunch arugula eatin', latte drinkin', east coast girly-men, but my nephew Ironicus has asked me to come on this here blog thing and set the record straight and I feel like I gotta do it 'cause he's family and all. Not that we're particularly proud of that, but whatcha gonna do? God don't let you pick your relatives.

OK, let's get to it. See, we all know the Negroes are the sons and daughters of Ham who was cursed by Noah because, well, I don't want to get into that case there's some young 'uns in the audience. Anyway, to make sure everyone knew who the sons of Ham were, God turned them black. Now, God's a merciful God and even though he laid a curse on these folks he also made sure he balanced that out with some special talents. That's why colored folks got the natural rhythm.

The other thing that God did for the Negroes was to make sure all the men got...ah...big...ah...well equipped if you take my point. See, I guess God figured if the black folks was gonna be cut outta polite society because a being black and all, he might as well give them something to do amongst themselves that was enjoyable. Like I said, God's a merciful God.

Don't get me wrong, God's all seeing all knowing and all powerful and such, but this here situation is dangerous what with women being the weaker sex and all. Us southern boys are taught by our daddies early on that a white man's pecker can't in no way compete with a black man's 'scuse my French ladies but there ain't no other way to say it.

So when we show up with our peck, I mean our guns strapped on what we're sayin' to any colored gentlemen in the area is we know what's going on, and stay away from our women. It's nothin' personal, it's just the way God made us. And them.

Now you're saying, wait a minute Uncle Cledus, one a them fellers what showed up strapped was a Negro. Yeah, but it's like I told you, God gave the Negroes rhythm and peckers, didn't say anythin' about brains.

I hope this clears it up for you and I apologize again to the ladies for my indelicate language.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Yeah, But We Get Better Cable

OK, we've been sort of following this story for a while now figuring that it's the perfect metaphor for the need for health reform in this country and waiting for the media to jump all over it. We mean, after all Remote Area Medical is a charity group that usually works in third world countries. Their motto is:
The Remote Area Medical® (RAM) Volunteer Corps is a non-profit, volunteer, airborne relief corps dedicated to serving mankind by providing free health care, dental care, eye care, veterinary services, and technical and educational assistance to people in remote areas of the United States and the world.
Now, the last time we checked, Los Angeles, California didn't really look like a remote area to us, but hey, we do tend to imbibe a little so we could have missed something somewhere. Maybe we got confused and were really looking at Pittsburgh or something. Anyway several of the people living in this remote area showed up:
A total of 1,500 tickets were handed out the first day of the clinic. More will be distributed but time is reduced now.
OK, so this medical charity shows up in a major American city and the lines are around the block, and then some. And these are not just people who don't have insurance, they're people who are working but who don't have enough insurance because that would apparently cut into the company's dividend or something. We don't understand high powered business concepts, although a lot more of the problem fell into place when someone told us insurance was started by pirates.

This is big, thinks us. Even the "Health Care Experts" and "Senior Medical Correspondents" and "Science Reporters" should be able to see the implications of this though the steam rising from their lattes: American Health Care is so bad, we're attracting agencies that usually work in third world countries. In the backwaters of third world countries. So we sits us back and waits for the explosion of outrage, embarrassment and anger.

Silly us.

What we got was some occasional coverage that was like, Oh yeah, we're a third world nation now when it comes to health care. In other news DEATH PANELS!! BLARK!! SPURT!! GAAAK!!

Hey buddy. You want to see a real death panel in action? Visit the Board of Directors meeting of any health care insurance company.

These are American citizens, not Ethiopian refugees

Monday, August 17, 2009

On The Bright Side, The Kids Glow In The Dark For A Week

It has long been the policy here in the marbled halls of IM Central to do everything we could not to come to the attention of the police. Even in the absence of direct empirical evidence, we have reasoned through observation that certain interactions with people who carry loaded firearms could have, well, unfortunate consequences. For us.

And this is a policy that has stood us in good stead over the years as we are happy to announce that we have never been shot, or even shot at by one of the fine men and women of law enforcement. Which is why we welcome our new 50,000 volt overlords. Now, whereas an officer might think twice about emptying his or her Glock in your general direction for coasting through a stop sign, it turns out he or she feels no similar reluctance to turning you into a human light bulb.

What's your problem Ironicus, you ask, and we are tempted to tell you, but then it occurs to us you are asking about the use of TASERS and not our upbringing, so let us say that we have no problem with non-lethal force, being as it were, fans of not killing people. Further, we think the police have stumbled upon a new tool in the battle against uppity teenagers: Shoot first and ask questions later.
This New Mexico teen was arguing with her mother, so her mother brought her to a police station to get help. The girl ran off and the police chief chased her and ordered her to stop. When she didn't, he tasered her in the head.
Gives a whole new meaning to get your mind right, huh? See, since parents tend to get upset when someone puts unauthorized holes in their children, this new form of behavior modification should overcome some of their objections.
The more recent of the two incidents occurred November 5, when a 12-year-old girl who was skipping school was found drinking and smoking in a swimming pool.
Well, in the officer's defense, the girl did say she was there to "get juiced."
About two weeks earlier, a first-grader was shot with a Taser at school when he threatened to cut his leg with a piece of broken glass, authorities said.
"The kid said he wanted to hurt himself." explained a police spokesperson. "We just did for him, that's all. This way there's no scar. Well, no physical one anyway."

Ah, don't the police have a soft spot for kids? And it turns out the kid doesn't even have to be born yet.
The pregnant mother of the baptized child was also Tasered in the back after officers averred she was assaulting a police officer, and is now being held separate from her family by Customs and Immigration Enforcement.
Obviously the police recognized that the suspect was only pretending to be a pregnant woman, and was most likely Mullah Mohammed Omar, hence the involvement of Immigration. Or maybe she was Mexican. Same difference.

Of course bad behavior in kids can be traced to bad parenting as we all know, so sometimes the police have to go right to the source.
A police officer in the Syracuse, New York, area Tasered a 37-year-old mom repeatedly in front of her children during a routine traffic stop—and then arrested the mom, leaving the children alone in their family minivan for 40 minutes in freezing weather.
OK, now before you go all squishy bleeding heart on us here, just realize you are watching cutting edge law enforcement policy in action. See, by permantly curling mom's hair, the police taught her an important lesson about innocent until proven guilty, and then leaving the kids alone in the car wondering if they were orphans or not, gave them time to reflect on the true meaning of protect and serve. Classic win win.

In a related story, it turns out the Reverend Gary Aldridge wasn't involved in activity when he died, he was just getting ready to drive down to the store for cigarettes.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, this recession is never going to end until government gets out of the way of those intrepid entrepreneurs that made this country great in the first place. We're talking about people like Dan and Sarah Zenner who have seen the path to prosperity but are being held back by big government socialists determined, it seems, to stomp on economic green shoots wherever they find them.

Well, don't take this lying down Mr. and Mrs. Zenner. Remember what made this country great! Remember what American are made of! Remember the Alamo! Remember the Maine! Remember to fill out that application for the high school equivalency course!
The Zenners contend the board acted in a "judicial capacity" by upholding Dubuque County Zoning Administrator Anna O'Shea's decision that greyhound kennels are not a permitted use in A-1 agricultural districts. Dubuque County's zoning code states kennels are permitted as long as they don't house animals "not normally associated with domestic enjoyment." The Zenners claim greyhounds fall under the umbrella of domestic animals.
Boo Yah! You tell 'em Zenners! What better "domestic enjoyment" is there than to head out to the race track on a Saturday night, step over the drunks and avoid the drug dealers and people mumbling about aliens, and enjoy an evening of losing the rent money two dollars at a time? And what kind of domestic animal could be more domestic than a greyhound? We mean, what do you think this is, Kansas?

And not only that, the business community is dying for more kennels to open right, Patti Doyle?
Patti Doyle, spokeswoman for Twin River, has said the slots parlor loses $10.5 million a year from greyhound racing. The bankruptcy filing came as Twin River’s owners struggled to repay $500 million in debt. “(Dog racing has) been a losing proposition for many, many years. It’s not an area of the business that we can sustain,” Doyle said. “We’re going to see it come to an end for this year, but there’s a lot that needs to be decided in terms of the future of greyhound racing.”
Yeesh, way to be a gloomy Gus Ms. Doyle. Nothing like overstating the case, huh Mr. Sullivan?
The New Hampshire Attorney General's office has cleared John Sullivan, the president of the bankrupt Hinsdale Greyhound Park, whom betters accused of stealing money.
There, see? There's plenty of money to be made in greyhound No need to be crooked about it. It takes a fine upstanding citizen businessman like Mr. Sullivan to show us that anyone with a good head on his shoulders and an eye for opportunity can make it in this racket. Kudos to you Mr. Sullivan on being cleared of these bogus charges and this unsubstantiated smear against your character. What's next for you sir?
The Keene Sentinel reports a bankruptcy trustee continues to investigate a multimillion-dollar land deal Joseph Sullivan made before the bankruptcy. The trustee is also looking at loans Sullivan took from the track.
Oh it's so obvious what you're doing Mr. Bankruptcy Trustee. You're jealous. You just can't stand it that Mr. Sullivan is a doer and not some desk jockey like you. It just grinds you that he's going to make a success of himself, like Rusti Price.
The Oasis Hotel, a luxury corporate and leisure travel property, is scheduled to open at VictoryLand Greyhound Park in Shorter on Nov. 1 "The Oasis Hotel will be a state-of-the-art lodging and/or meetings option for corporate and leisure travelers and groups in the growing Montgomery area, or anyone traveling on I-85," said Rusti Price, the hotel's general manager."Gaming enthusiasts can enjoy the activities at VictoryLand, as well as the many nationally known attractions in Montgomery, Tuskegee and Auburn. The hotel will be at an upscale service level with luxurious bedding, large-screen TV's, and 24-hour guest room dining."
See? See? It's the Zenners and the Sullivans and the Prices that are going to bring this country back from recession. These people are walking prosperity makers folks. Nothing attracts people who eat cat food three times a week and collect cans so they can save up two dollars to bet on a dog like upscale service level with luxurious bedding, large-screen TV's, and 24-hour guest room dining.

And what about the area? The many nationally known attractions in Montgomery, Tuskegee and Auburn such as the...uh...well...there's OK we'll get back to you on that, but finally the truckers going up and down I 85 are going to have a comfortable place to come down off their pills. It's a win win right Buddy?

Buddy is a little on the shy side. He’s very playful with toys; he will throw a toy up and bark at it. He’s friendly, but he takes a little time to trust you. When he is alert one ear stands straight up and the other one folds over. Buddy would do well in a home that has older children, 10 and up and he would do best with other dogs. He would do well in a working family home. He needs a patient family, who will help him to blossom. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Allow Me To Say That I'm Pleased To Have An Opportunity To Participate In This Debate And BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA DIE DIE GAAK!

Frequent reader(s) of this blog probably wonder how their lives, once filled with so much promise, could have gone so spectacularly mean are probably aware of our position on the health care "debate." Especially since we just wrote about it one post ago. Come on people, work with us here.

OK, OK, for those of you just joining us, we were saying that while cynical political operatives were moving behind the scenes to force people with eighth grade educations to learn how to Tivo Oprah and Jerry Springer so they cold go out to the local town hall meeting and scream incoherently, we were declaring a no fly zone around said dupes, preferring to wait for the real debate to be debated by the real debaters in this little psycho-drama: the legislators.

After all, these are the people charged with looking out for our welfare; the ones who must answer to us for their decisions; and the ones who, often forgoing a lucrative career in the private sector, have chosen to serve the public interest as our elected representatives.

These are the people we can count on to dispel the rumors and give us the straight up, unadulterated, unspun facts so we can enter into an informed discussion as a democratic society, leading from deliberation to consensus and ultimately compromise. We're talking about people like representative Paul Broun of Georgia, who recently went before his constituents to help them understand the complexities, potentials and pitfalls of the pending legislation.
"Folks, this is Obamacare," Broun said, holding the binders over his head. "Let me start this by telling you what I think of this bill and Obamacare," he said, and slammed the binders on the ground.
Urm...we thought the legislation was called America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009, not Obamacare, but could have missed a memo. And "slammed"? Slammed Mr. Newspaper Reporter? Are you sure you're not taking liberties with the situation here? We mean, "slammed" would indicate a certain mental state, a certain level of emotion not necessarily conducive to intelligent discussion, right representative Broun?
Broun set the tone for a town hall meeting on health care reform. The Democrats' proposal is too expensive and will threaten millions of Georgians' jobs and lives, he said. "This is a stinking, rotten fish, and they don't want you to smell it, and they want to shove it down your throat and make you eat it before you smell how rotten and stinky it is," he said.
There...ah...well, OK let's give Mr. Broun the benefit of the doubt here. Starting a discussion with a...erm...lively metaphor is just a way to get people's attention and focus their concentration. Now, the part about a bill that actually expands health care being a threat to people's lives is a little confusing to us, but we're sure Mr. Broun meant that in a good way.
At another point, Broun, who last year made national news by comparing Obama to Hitler, called Cuba's former dictator Fidel Castro and leftist Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez Obama's "good buddy." He also spoke of a "socialistic elite" - Obama, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid - who might use a pandemic disease or natural disaster as an excuse to declare martial law. "They're trying to develop an environment where they can take over," he said. "We've seen that historically."
We know what you're thinking but come on, these days you can't hardly have a conversation about the weather without being called a Hitler for suggesting an evening shower will wash out the local baseball game. And look at what you've learned: did you know Castro and Chavez were co-sponsors of the bill? Ha! Us neither. And how about the history of Reid, Pelosi and Obama taking over by spreading diseases? We do have to admit that we sometimes didn't pay full attention in history class, so it's probably our fault we don't know about that.
Many speakers in the senior-heavy audience honed in on a clause in the health care proposal that would require insurers to cover end-of-life counseling sessions to help healthy patients decide beforehand what types of treatments they want to keep them alive if they are about to die. "(Obama) is going to let the old folks die, and I don't like that at all," Oconee County resident Gene Aycock said.
While it's true that it's very unusual for an old person to die under the current health care system, that is putting a severe strain on Social Security and Mr. Obama just had to make some hard choices. Nothing personal Mr. Aycock.
Citing a study by the Lewin Group, a consulting firm owned by the insurance company UnitedHealth Group, Broun said 114 million Americans will be forced off their employers' insurance plans and onto a competing government-run plan because small businesses will not be able to pay for the mandated insurance.
Oh, yeah baby! Finally some objective facts. See, we told you all that stuff about fish and Hitler was just to warm up the crowd. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. OK, so the Group of the first part creates the Group of the second part and then commissions the Group of the second part to do a study on how changes in the health care system will affect the business climate in which the Group of the first part has to operate. The Group of the second part finds that things couldn't get much better for the Group of the first part than they are right now under the status quo, so the Group of the second part creates a scenario in which, if a certain set of events were to exist, certain things might happen to the hypothetical people involved in this potential situation. And those aforementioned possibilities would be bad. Um, for the people. For the hypothetical people in the hypothetical situation. If it happened. God we love to see science in action.
Broun proposed an alternative to the Democrats' plan that includes allowing groups of people like University of Georgia graduates or Rotary Club members to band together to cut insurance costs, restricting malpractice lawsuits, expanding health savings accounts, offering Medicaid recipients a choice of private plans, making all health care expenses tax-deductible and expanding state insurance programs for people with pre-existing conditions.
Excellent idea representative Broun. Everyone knows the states are in a far better position to expand health care with all the associated costs than the federal government, right governor Perdue?
FY 2010 budget is expected to be short $800 million. Without the availability of reserve funds Governor Perdue may need to lower the revenue estimate by as much as $1 billion. the state will go into FY 2011 facing a deficit of more than $1.5 billion.
1.5 billion? Yikes. Probably no point in asking those Rotary guys for a loan out of the money they saved by banding together, huh?
One woman attempted to ask a critical question about covering the uninsured while Broun was speaking, and Habersham County sheriff's deputies briefly removed her from the room before allowing her back inside. When she rambled for a few seconds during the designated question-and-answer period, Broun politely asked her to respect the people waiting to speak, but members of the audience shouted, "Cut her mike."
Darn straight. We're trying to have a debate about health care over here. We don't need anyone asking about uninsured people. They don't have any health care in the first place. Jeez man, why do we even let those people in the door?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

In Which Ironicus Turns Over A New Leaf

Full disclosure: We haven't been paying much attention to the health care debate because frankly there's not much to debate at this point. We mean, where are the bills? Sure there is some preliminary legislation floating around Washington, but do you really think it looks anything like what we'll end up with?

Didn't think so.

Now, we also admit that at first we enjoyed watching the Ringmasters fire up the birthers and deathers and tea baggers and truthers and "keep your government hands off my medicare" crowd.

But we're beginning to have second thoughts, which around here is about a thought and a half more than we usually have. Look, there are over 300 million people in this country and frankly, a lot of them are pretty gullible, and not too bright.

Take Mike Sola here, who showed up with his special needs son to harangue the local representative. Of course Fox News is on him like orange on John Boehner and trots him out before a national audience the next day. And that's where things start to go badly:

Wisely, the Fox spokes model declines to pursue the democratic thugs line of inquiry because we're sure if she had black helicopters and probably al-Qaeda would have entered the conversation in short order. Not to mention Nazis.

It's pretty obvious Mr. Sola loves his son and we certainly agree that the young man should have the best care, but it's also pretty obvious that Mr. Sola is not going to solve Fermat's Last Theorem any time soon, if you get our drift.

And, much as we hate to admit it because it's going to cut into material for this blog, this is beginning to bother us. Before people like Dick Armey came along and sold him a gallon of snake oil, Mr. Sola was probably living his life as best he could, providing for his family and maybe talking to his neighbor about his suspicion that the government was watching him through his TV.

No harm, no foul.

But thanks to people like Max Pappas poor Mr Sola is on national TV in front of god and everybody saying things like "We are American citizens who want one thing: to be heard before you put us down."

OK Mr. Sola, you've just been "heard" on national TV. When can we expect you to report to the euthanasium?

See, that should have been fun, but it wasn't. In fact, we're a little embarrassed to have written it.

Here's what we'd like to have happen: republicans, lay off the gullible people. You've got enough paid shills to make all the noise you need to make in your effort to not debate the issues, let people like Mr. Sola alone so he can get back to his life.

Now we're going to do something we very seldom do here in the marbled halls of IM Central. OK it's something we've never done, as it goes against one of the fundamental tenets upon which this blog is based: We're going to set a good example. We're going to set a good example by not picking on the Mr. Solas of the world, who through no fault of their own have been duped into becoming front men and women for people who couldn't are less about them, or their special needs sons.

We do however reserve the right to point out the foibles and short comings of those who are proud of their ignorance, arrogantly put it on display and willing put themselves and their innocent special needs children in the national spotlight for no other reason than self aggrandizement. Sarah Palin, we're looking at you.

Monday, August 10, 2009

This Ain't No Mayberry Punk

Hmmm...Here's a rather odd headline:

Michigan student shot by deputy to be sentenced

An example of the Dick Cheney School of Justice wonders us. You know, that's where you shoot someone and then they apologize for getting in the way of your bullets. Intrigued we digs into the story:

Twenty-year-old Derek Copp of Spring Arbor was to appear Monday in Ottawa County Circuit Court for sentencing. He pleaded guilty to a felony marijuana charge in June. Copp admitted selling marijuana to an undercover police officer. Copp was unarmed when Ottawa County Sheriff's deputy Ryan Huizenga shot him once in the chest March 11 while executing a search warrant at Copp's apartment.

Oh. Well, as long as he only shot him once in the chest. Don't want to get all extreme or anything.

Wait, the deputy was "executing" a search warrant. Get it? That must be a little police humor. Well, technically he was executing Derek Copp, but let's not quibble over details. The very clear message here is, smoke the ganga in Ottawa county and you're going down.

OK now you're thinking wait a minute, a police isn't supposed to shoot an unarmed person, even if he is on the marijuana. Shouldn't this guy get in some sort of trouble?

Oh, trouble isn't the half of it. You think Derek is in deep do do for spreading reefer madness around, wait until you hear what happened to Deputy Huizenga. Check it:

Huizenga was sentenced to probation after pleading guilty to reckless discharge of a firearm and later returned to duty.

Ha! How you like the law now Deputy Dirty Harry? Yeah, yeah, we know, probation may sound like he got off easy for almost killing a guy, but wait until you hear the terms of his probation: No donuts for six months, and no running the siren unless it's a real emergency. None of that "I don't feel like stopping for this red light" stuff. Know what we're saying? We run a tight ship here in Ottawa county. Professionalism of the highest caliber.

OK, maybe caliber isn't the best word.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

OK it's pretty obvious democracy is in terrible danger in this country. We mean, look at the facts: We're ruled by a Kenyan president who is also a fascist Muslim with socialist tendencies. He's trying to kill your grandmother and force you to marry a gay after getting a sex change operation, and as if that's not bad enough, his wife parades around the country with naked arms.

But all is not lost. There is a group of patriots who are willing to stand up for free enterprise, free market, and free balloons for the kids on Saturday.

We're talking about the overlords, of course. Allow us to explain. Back in November most of the people in Massachusetts voted to end greyhound racing. Ha! you think a little thing like majority rule is going to stand in the way of them sucking a free meal ticket off the suffering of the mean engaging in their constitutional right to life liberty and the pursuit of trailer payments?

No way. Now the power of their movement has overwhelmed the fat cats and socialist puppy huggers in the capital. Bow before the awesomeness of the minority timorous officials, merely elected by more than half of the populace! What say you now that we stand before you in our full formidable glory?
Greyhound racing supporters trying to overturn a statewide ban on dog races have been dealt a legal setback by the state attorney general. Attorney General Martha Coakley advised Lynn District Court to throw out an election fraud complaint filed a pro-dog racing group trying to overturn the ban.
Ha! We thought so. You're not so big when faced...wait, what?
Coakley wrote that "no person could be properly charged ... based on the statements upon which the complaint is premised." can you kill a thriving industry like this? How can you ignore the millions of people who want to see unit racing?
These are changing times for the parimutuel industry and also for the Jacksonville Kennel Club.The venerable greyhound racing track, which first opened its doors in 1935, is now closed. "There are some things in the works," Matthew Kroetz, CEO of Jacksonville Greyhound Racing, said without being specific, though it would not likely involve greyhound racing.
Well, OK the millions of people except for Florida. Wait. Don't go. What if we had more crashes? People go to the car races to see crashes. What if we had more greyhound crashes?
GREY2K USA recently reported on racing injuries at tracks in Arizona. Two tracks in the state reported a total of 555 injuries in 2008, including 451 at Phoenix Greyhound Park. Thirty-seven of the events proved to be fatal. On June 21, the Arizona Republic published a story about declining attendance numbers for racing, competition from casinos and pressure from animal-advocacy groups.
Well, sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but all of the injured greyhounds get the finest in medical care.

The dog, Atomic Clock, which has won eight times from 46 starts, fractured her tail in a collision during the running of race nine at Adelaide's Angle Park track on January 26.

Greyhound Racing SA vet Dr Christopher Doyle told the Sunday Mail he heard "a dog making a screaming noise like it was in pain" in the kennel house after the race.

"I saw Burgess hosing down the dog's tail, it was bleeding and obviously there was a piece of it missing," Dr Doyle said.

"I saw the bloody scissors and asked Burgess what happened and he told me up front, his attitude was it was no big deal."

Hey, come on. That's just one bad apple. Besides, he got in trouble big time.
Paul John Burgess, of Broken Hill, was originally banned from the sport for 10 years by Greyhound Racing SA after the incident in January, but that was reduced to just 12 months by the sport's racing appeals tribunal earlier this month.
Yeah, but did you read the part about no TV and he has to come straight home after the races?

No TV? Whoa. Those dudes are serious about your welfare, huh Allie?

Allie makes the cutest expressions with her ears—one up and one down, or both stuck out in different directions. Allie is very outgoing and loves attention; she will come up to you for pets and will stay there as long as you are petting her. She loves toys and has her favorites, one being a stuffed bunny that she will carry around the house. She has one ear that will fold up that is so cute; she loves to lie on her back in the “cockroach” position. She will rub against you to get your attention away from the other dogs. In the morning she loves to rub against the bed. Allie will sometimes give kisses. When she gets really excited, she likes to nip at your hand in a playful way. Allie would do fine in a working family home with well-mannered children ages 5 and up. She is fine with the other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

We Don't Think AFL* Means What They Think It Means

Full disclosure: we're big union fans around the marbled halls of IM Central. Always have been. Our old daddy was a died in the wool unionist, as was our granddaddy, uncles, various and assorted cousins, in laws and camp followers.

That being said, we have to admit that we're concerned over the republican drive to organize crazy people. Now there's nothing wrong with showing up at a public meeting and making a fool of yourself. Heck, it's what keeps cable access channels in business.

But here's our dilemma: The republicans are bringing these people together to fulminate against health care. OK, so far so good, but what's one of the first things workers do once they organize? They ask for benefits, right? But if the whole purpose organizing yourself is to destroy benefits, doesn't that sort of put you in a corner vis-a-vis the whole employee perks situation?

Well, we suppose they could just go the straight commercial route and set up some sort of profit sharing scheme, but the idea of sharing profits doesn't strike us as a republican family value.

Come to think of it, neither does unionizing. Maybe the idea is for members to pay dues for themselves, and the voices in their heads. That might solve some of the RNC funding problems.

*Absolutely Freaking Loony

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Somebody Needs A Nap

You know, we have to admit to an occasional attack of the grumps from time to time here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Hard to get through this life with nothing but a smile. Like most sentient beings, we find that there are numerous things on god's green earth that cause us to become disharmonious with our surroundings.

Take people who drive too slowly in front of us for example, or people who drive too fast behind. OK, just about anybody else on the road we're on. And then there are traffic lights: Red for five minutes, green for five seconds. Know what we're saying? Plus there's always some AARP reject in front of us at the light who seems to be color blind, or maybe just plain blind because when the light changes it doesn't seem to have any effect. Push DOWN on the skinny pedal grandpa. There you go, don't worry. You can do it. Come on, we can get more than three cars through the intersection before the light OH CRAP. Thanks a lot you walking flatulence factory. Hope you can't get your Aricept prescription filled.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, getting our mellow harshed. But just as there are situations and events afoot that, shall we say were not designed with our enjoyment in mind, so there are things that make the travail of this life a little less...uh...travailing. Properly chilled Stoli for example, which we often find ourselves turning to after a stint on the highways and byways around Ironicus Maximus World Headquarters.

We tell you all this by way of introducing our concerns for our republican friends who have, we fear lost the ability to find any joy at all in their existence. Or the existence of others for that matter. Particularly the existence of others.

Take for example, former President Bill Clinton's trip to North Korea that secured the release of the two young women imprisoned there. Hardly a nit to be picked that could characterize this outcome as anything other than joyous. International incident avoided, families reunited. Finally an opportunity for republicans and Democrats to put aside their differences and agree that an outcome has been positive.


OK, how about cash for clunkers, the wildly successful government program that got older inefficient cars off the road, created demand in the comatose auto market which while not ending the recession, at least provided a jolt towards recovery in an economy that relies on people buying things for 72% of its juice. Win win, right?

Nuh uh.

All righty then. How about finding some way to lower health care costs while covering the 47 million people who are unprotected right now? A complicated issue to be sure, and a vigorous debate on the how is to be expected, but at least we can all agree on the why part, yes?

What do you think?

Jeez guys, is there anything that makes you happy? Anything you can back?


Yeah. Well...ah...don't quite know what to sure to use protection. That's a good thing, right?


Ah, forget it. We're going out and find an old man to drive behind.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

BREAKING: Obama Not Kenyan; In Other News, Orly Taitz Still Crazy

It is one of the fundamental precepts of our creed here in the marbled halls of IM Central, that we strive on all occasions to bring you our reader(s) the whole story when we present the events of the day here in our interwebs logbook. Unless of course something shiny distracts us.

The truth is we never know what's going to pop out of the toobz when we give them a squeeze and that's sort of the way we like it because anything else would require planning, forethought and probably some semblance of adult responsibility, none of which is in very great supply around here.

You may have noticed this.

Anyway, in an effort to drag this blog somewhere closer at least to the zip code of the up and up, if not the specific neighborhood, today we present a followup to our story yesterday concerning the gestation and birth of one Mullah Barack Hussein Malcom X Straight Outta Compton Obama, currently Underminer in Chief of these here late great United States of America, a wholly owned subsidy of China, Inc.

It seems that the intense excitement generated throughout the nation--or at least that part of it unable to score Xanax without a prescription--by the discovery of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate was a bit premature. Said birth certificate it turns out is not Kenyan at all, it's Australian.

"Hey, at least it's a country that begins with A," said Orly Taitz, leader of the group called The Bozos who are challenging Obama's citizenship. When informed that Kenya was the country and Africa was the continent, she replied "So what. Who am I, Sarah Palin?"

Ms. Taitz said the search to prove Obama was not a citizen of the United States would continue "even if he ends up being born in every other country in the world except this one."

Correction: In the above report, Ironicus Maximus incorrectly referred to the group Ms. Taitz leads as "The Bozos." The correct name is The Birthers. Ironicus regrets the error and apologizes for any inconvenience caused to the real Bozos.

Monday, August 03, 2009


Mmmphfff...Another Monday. An August Monday at that. Sometimes we think the French have the right idea. Not that we'd want to be French or anything. What's their motto? Liberté, égalité, free health care? Something like that. We're happy being Americans, even if we are the wrong kind.

And so because of our high regard for you our reader(s), despite the calender,the day, and the Stoli vapors knocking around in our heads, we embark on our lonely task, scanning the day's headlines for that bright nugget of ironicus in an effluent stream of events and pronouncements of the self important and under-medicated. To wit:

The president says taxes may go up. What, you mean we have to pay for something if we want it? Sounds a little French to us.

Two more Marines die in Afghanistan. Just when you think you're getting out of one war, along comes another.

They found Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.

The guy who carried a fake bomb into LaGuardia was crazy. You don't say.

Wait a minute, what?
California attorney Orly Taitz, who has filed a number of lawsuits demanding proof of Barack Obama's eligibility to serve as president, has released a copy of what purports to be a Kenyan certification of birth and has filed a new motion in U.S. District Court for its authentication.
Oh crap. Well, it's over. We're done. All the work we did to elect a front man for the coming Islamofascist, socialist, black power take over of America has been lost due to the plucky little dentist, lawyer, real estate agent from California whose name we can't even say. There goes the Caliphate. There goes the Reconquista. There health care.

But wait. There are some...mmm...inconsistencies. A couple of technical quibbles.

Whew! Dodged a bullet there. As long as we can keep people chasing after the fake story of Obama as a Kenyan, they won't go after the real truth.

T'I kilko-srashiv kitok-wilat, right Mr....uh...President?