Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are painfully aware of their parents lowered mean are aware that we have on numerous occasions taken the overlords to task for their less than benevolent care of the

Well, according to the overlords we didn't know what we were talking about because these dogs represent massive investments of time money and resources. They are athletes ferchrssakes, would you treat Bret Farve like he was just another guy with a helmet on? This whole animal exploitation sport of greyhound racing is a scientific endeavor. Training, nutrition, and care are cutting edge.

OK, so having that all explained to us means that we now understand the deep theoretical underpinnings and scientific expertise these two professional trainers were exhibiting as they prepared their charges to compete.

Two workers at Mardi Gras Casino & Resort in Nitro have lost their state-issued licenses for abusing greyhounds in their care.
Now, right away we know that the author of this article is not well versed in the complicated and systematic handling of highly talented racing greyhounds and made an obvious mistake by characterizing the preparation program utilized by one of the trainers as "abuse."

Judges at the Nitro track terminated one worker's license for grabbing a greyhound by the neck and ear and throwing it in a truck after the dog slipped out of its collar and ran.
To the untrained and inexperienced eye, grabbing a dog by the neck and ear and throwing it in the truck might look like abuse, but, as any overlord will tell you, a dog who has slipped its collar will become very disoriented and confused, so assisting it into the familiar surroundings of the transportation limousine by means of what trainers call the reassuring bear hug, with flying finish is the most efficient and humane way to make sure the unit remains safe and secure. Besides, since greyhounds have two ears, it is natural to use one to assure the unit has the proper spin on landing.

The judges had suspended the worker's license in 2009 for a separate incident.
 Consistency is the heart of efficient training techniques.

Information about the other case wasn't released.
Oh. Well, we're sure whatever he did was consistent with best practice and adhered to the latest methods, right Clover?

Clover is a little shy at times, but wriggles all over when greeting you. One of her nick names is Piggly Wiggly. She will sometimes give a little bark to get your attention. She is very sweet. Clover would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs and would also be good as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

We'd Like To Welcome You Back To The Church. Please Fill Out This Credit App

OK this makes us a little nervous. See we're what the church calls "fallen away," or as we like to say, "grown ups." Now frequent reader(s) of this blog know that success is just an accelerant for mean know from time to time we've chronicled the foibles of those who meditate, pray, study the sacred scriptures, think thoughtful thoughts over the plan of the deity then have revealed to them that what he really wants is for them to do what they wanted to do in the first place. What a coincidence, no? So we have to believe if there's a list somewhere of those needing to be "re-purposed" to "the perennial truth of the Gospel" we're on it and it's only a matter of time before the "re-purposing committee" knocks on our door.

Perhaps we overstate the case though, because as the popester himself says, he wants the perennial truth of the Gospel" brought back to regions where secularism is smothering church income. Gotcha your pointy hatedness. See the countries that are least likely to dominus the pontiff's vobiscum are also the countries that are most likely to have, you know, stuff.

This was not a consideration in the Benedictoid's decision we're sure.

Leading an evening prayer service at Rome's Holy Credit Union of St. Paul, Pope Benedict said there are areas of the globe that have been known as Christian for centuries, but where in the past few centuries "the process of education has produced a serious crisis" in people's sense of what it means to be superstitious and to do what we say.

This has been going on for "centuries" and you're just figuring it out now? Popey, you really need  to subscribe to some magazines, or read a paper now and then. Watch some tee vee, you know? Oprah's had several shows about this.

"I have decided to create a new organism, in the form of a Transubstantiator and he will be called Optimus Profitus and he will take the shape of the popemobile, but when he senses the presence of those who once were members of the flock but have since becomes unshorn he will rise up to confront them with their lack of childlike belief in the pompous and self indulgent utterances of pampered white men who believe in ghosts and dress funny," he said.

That sounds way better when they say it in Latin.

The challenge, he said, is to find ways to help people rediscover the value we get from their faith. Or as that famous American writer Mark Twain put it, "I have a religion. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor." And we got to make sure that god knows we're out here, the pope added.

Pope Benedict made the announcement at the basilica built over what is believed to be the tomb of St. Paul, who gave up a meaningful career as a tent maker, providing shelter for folks, to ride around the countryside yelling at people for having sex. Sort of like Bristol Palin except he was a better dancer.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rand Paul! Motto: Out Front and Pulling Away One Foot At A Time

Say what you will about democracy--it's not the neatest form of government we know--there are the passionate debates, political theater, and the destructive influence of money, but in the end deliberation moves to consensus which initiates compromise and this old republic lurches forward--not always in a straight line, but as 244 odd years of traveling down this rocky road will attest, mostly in a way that increases freedom and improves lives.

Of course when democracy doesn't work there's always head stomping.

Outside of the Rand Paul-Jack Conway debate in Lexington, Kentucky Monday night as the candidates arrived, a group of Paul supporters pulled a female MoveOn member to the ground and held her there as another Paul supporter stomped on the back of her head and neck.Or as Rand Paul supporters like to call it, "Refudiating her argument using the footwear gambit.

As you view the video you'll see that famous southern hospitality is in short supply as one bubba tackles the poor lady while another stands on her legs, obviously to make a metaphorical point about the folly of running away from the constitution,  and another--who appears to be a woman-- stumbles over her no doubt on the way to the Elephant Ear concession. Finally a fourth bubba comes along and does the old Glen Beck two step on her noggin then heads into the crowd no doubt because he's the shy type and doesn't want all the kudos that will come his way once his fellow debaters find out he's the one who applied the Coup De Nike to the girl's argument.

Now the liberal elite press is no doubt going to get all upset about this, but it's nothing more than what the Founders themselves argued for when Jefferson wrote, "Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Except when those opinions are different from yours, then just thump that mofo."

We are paraphrasing, but the point is the press is going to jump all over conservatives for advocating violence when in truth the left is just as violent. We mean, when's the last time you read about a conservative driving around with a carload of guns and a hit list. Oh wait, that guy was a Glen Beck fan. OK how about a conservative shooting up a church. Ever hear of such a thing? Oh, yeah. That church. And that one. Never mind. Well, one thing we can all agree on is that conservatives have more respect for the police than liberals. Remember back in the sixties? That would never happen in a conservative neighborhood. OK, well except that time.

Look at the bright side. Given the violence conservatives are capable of, that lady getting her head stomped was basically the Tea Party equivalent of  having old Tom Aquinas explain a chapter from Summa Theologica to a group of seminary students.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Woooeee! Do you know what time it is? Well, if you're an overlord with a digital watch you do. That whole big hand little hand is way too complicated, you know? We mean, who does that anymore? The overlords have become early adopters of much of technology mostly because they have to. Come on, if it wasn't for GPS the overlords would never find their way back home after a full day of providing excitement and entertainment to social security recipients with cognitive impairments.

Where were we? Oh yeah, time. Well, frequent reader(s) of this blog know the folly of mean know that there comes a time each year when the overlords gather in overlord central to celebrate another year of sucking their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals. Now, people with souls would not know about this if it weren't for the yeoman efforts of  Dave Bergmeier, Vice President of Custodial Services at the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Telegraph Press Gazette Times Tribune News Journal Post Dispatch. Oh, and chief reporter too. Dave has taken it upon himself to chronicle the celebration and since what happens in Abeline never stays in Abliene (like most of the residents who have access to transportation) let's give a listen:

Greyhound racing enthusiasts will descend on Abilene this week during fall meet activities. At least those who don't get lost and end up in Wyoming again. Most of the National Greyhound Association’s activities will be at the association's home at 729 Old Highway 40, which is right out past the Seven Eleven across from  where the Wal-mart used to be.

Tim Horan, managing editor for The Greyhound Review--which is an actual magazine with words and everything--said the industry faces challenging times, particularly after legislation that could have bailed out the industry again in Kansas fell two votes short of passage. He was referring to a bill that if approved could have led to reopening at least one Kansas race track. Kansas is the greyhound capital and yet does not have any open tracks because even though the most of the people of Kansas enjoy living in the 18th century, apparently they are still smart enough to realize what a losing proposition greyhound racing is.

Horan said even with that disappointment, Abilene will continue to be in the limelight during a week when the industry gathers here.“We are hoping for another good Gold Cup race,” Horan said. "Well, actually it's not really gold," Horan added. "Guccione bought this mug from the Sav-a-Lot and taped some gold wrapping paper to it."

The Gold Cup was popular during the spring race in which owners put up $1,000 for an opportunity to compete in a $40,000 sweepstakes. Kevin and Gina Dalton, local producers*, pocketed $18,000 by winning the spring race. *Ed note: "Producer" is overlord talk for greyhound breeder because we don't want you to think we view the dogs as living, breathing actual creatures or anything. See we're producers, like a corn farmer produces corn. Makes killing them off when they're not profitable much easier. And no, it doesn't bother us that you think we're heartless beasts who are not fully human, but thanks for asking.

Horan said the Gold Cup definitely added to the spice and glamour of the spring meet, if by "spice" and "glamour" you mean most people were wearing shoes that tied rather than the usual velcro straps. “When the lure started around the track everyone was standing and everyone was very interested,” Horan said. "Until that piece of aluminum foil blew across the track and then the crowd went 'Oooo, shiny thing.'"

The fall meet should attract about 400 to 500 people, most of whom were heading for Topeka but made a wrong turn. They stay here locally in tents out by the landfill and eat at local restaurants--well, actually the dumpsters behind the local restaurants--and take in the local events, both of them Horan said. Producers have been impacted by the global recession and the fact that everywhere they go people say "You're ugly and nobody likes you," he said.

The use of internet has allowed some people to watch races and bid via electronically, which is a sentence that makes no sense grammatically, but "via" was on my Word-A-Day calendar today, so by god I'm going to use it.  The fall meet also allows many others in the industry to gather in Abilene where they would like to interact with other professionals in the industry, renew friendships and make new friends, but since mostly the same people show up every year they just sit around drinking beer and wondering if they'll manage to stay out of the job market for another year.

“During greyhound week activities many businesses do comment that they do get their regulars from out of town,” he said. "And they tell me they're tired of having to cut up their credit cards, explain why they won't take a check and shoo them away from sleeping in the doorway."

Wow. Good thing you got out when you did, huh Sneakers? You'd be sharing your crate with an overlord by now.

Sneakers is very loving and affectionate. He is always looking for affection. He will lean against you and will put his head in your lap. He is always close to you and likes to nuzzle. He is confident and adventurous. He behaves very well and is very easygoing. He loves to play with squeaky toys. He likes to sleep in small spaces – and can be found sleeping in an open closet. He loves to spend time outside in the yard. He loves to sleep outside in the grass with his feet in the air. He is quick learner. His ears always stand up. His tail curls like a corkscrew. Sneakers would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with medium to larger size dogs and would probably be good as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

It Worked When They Did It On Law And Order

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the dawn of a new age is the death of the previous mean know we keep the wolf from our door by engaging in compensated activities at the local educorporate training facility. Or, as one of our more erudite colleagues put it once, we touch the future.

Scary huh? Well, our point is we didn't just walk into this career, nosirree. It took years of classroom training, internships under the guidance of experienced mentors, apprenticing with masters, post graduate training and through it all we accumulated precious experience which we used to sharpen our skills, improve our professional judgment and hone our craft.

We tell you all of this by way of demonstrating that teachers are highly trained, talented professionals able to cope with the tremendous responsibility of educating the youth of this great country. Well, except for these guys.
A former Upper St. Clair High School student who already claimed she had been raped once was raped again on school property after school officials used her as bait in a failed attempt to catch students they believed were having sex in the building,
The allegation was made in a lengthy response filed by attorneys for the unidentified former student against the district's motion to throw out the lawsuit brought by the former student. Upper St. Clair school district is asking U.S. District Chief Judge Gary L. Lancaster to find in its favor, arguing that the plaintiffs cannot prove the district was deliberately indifferent to the possibility that the student would be assaulted.
Right. Because how else can you say "We care" if not by putting a student who had been sexually assaulted in a position where she could be assaulted again while you watched.
According to the brief by the student's attorney, on Feb. 4, 2008, the girl went to one of her teachers, Esther von Waldow, and told her that a boy, with whom she'd had previous problems, had forced her to have sex with him after school. The girl told Ms. von Waldow that he forced another student to have sex, as well.
Ah. See here's where years of training and experience kick in.
Ms. von Waldow, according to the brief, immediately went to school administrators with concerns and offered several options to make sure the girls in question got home safely. They included offering herself to walk the girls to their school bus.
See, that right there is caring. That's professionalism. That's going the extra mile, so all you teacher bashers out there you remember Mrs. von Waldow the next time you get ready to get all up on your high horse and explain to teachers why they aren't doing their jobs.
But, the filing said, school Principal Michael Ghilani had a different idea.
Rats. A principal with an idea. This can't be good.
"Instead, Ghilani wanted to keep Jane Doe on school property and not let her leave. Ghilani's plan, known as the 'sting operation,' was to use Jane Doe as 'bait' to lead the school administrators to [the boy] and perhaps other girls."
OK, here's our question: Were all the police on vacation that day?
He devised a plan to have school police officers follow the students in question to determine who they were and where they were going.
Yeah. "School police officers." These are the substitute bus drivers and second string janitorial staff moonlighting for a few extra bucks. This is going to end well.
The officers followed the students and believed that they had gone home for the day.
Hmm...Sherlock Holmes they ain't.
The girl's attorneys contend that two girls were raped in the stairwell that afternoon, including their client.
Well let's see. Two girls raped, plus the client and, of course at at least one perpetrator. That's four kids at minimum running around the school after hours (when it's mostly empty) and principal Ghilani's crack detective squad couldn't find any of them. You think there may be a flaw in your logic there Mr. Ghilani sir?
But in court documents filed by the school district, there are allegations that relationships between the boy in question and several of the girls who claim to be victims were consensual. The district argues that the girls liked him, and were jealous of the others.
Why didn't you say so in the first place? It's all the girls' fault. Case closed.
School officials also claim that they knew nothing of any sexual assaults by the boy until the morning of Feb. 5, 2008 -- the day after the alleged "sting."
They claimed this right after it was announced that Ms. von Waldow had been granted "personal leave" so she could take that trip to Tahiti she'd always dreamed about. All expenses paid of course. Upper St. Clair cares about their teachers donchano.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wouldn't It Be Easier Just To Make Poverty Illegal?

Hey all you poors out there. Yeah, you poors who were poor before being poor became a thing. You know who you are. Yeah you. Listen up, you've ridden the gravy train of faint hope long enough and it's time someone reminded you that your life is an endless series of unfulfilled wants and deferred dreams, and you need to be reminded of that by your betters every day.

State lawmakers are being asked to prevent any person receiving welfare from winning major Michigan State Lottery prizes. If signed into law, the proposed legislation would prohibit a person getting welfare, food stamps or Medicaid from collecting a lottery prize of more than $600."I'm tired of these people thinking they've got as many rights as I do. This is America, they're poor and I'm not which means I get to run their lives," said state Rep. Tom McMillin who introduced the bill.

"The lottery is a bad gamble for a lot of people," McMillin said. "Some people play it for recreation. One too many times, I saw people standing in line who appeared to be ethnic and they were buying tons of lottery tickets." When asked what he meant by "appeared to be ethnic" McMillin said corrected himself and said "appeared to be poor."

McMillin said his goal is to keep people in need from wasting money. "They should save it and buy some clothes and food -- and make sure they're looking good when they go out for a job interview." When asked if he thought unemployed people could be identified by their clothes, McMillan said he was fairly certain people without jobs were forced to "buy off the rack," and that people going out to the grocery store should make a point of wearing the same clothes they would wear to a job interview.

"If they're on welfare," he said, "they've got no business spending their money on the lottery," said Tom Bachman. "What makes them think they can do what they want with their money?" Bachman's view was echoed by Najib Kakos, who owns Buscemi's/Beverage Barrel  where lottery tickets are sold. He said the legislation would have his support regardless of its impact on lottery sales at his business. "If you're barely making it, you shouldn't be gambling," Kakos said. "The money should be used for liquor and cigarettes because that's got a higher profit margin for us."

McMillin said enforcement would occur at the state level because $600 is the maximum amount that can be paid out at the store where the winning ticket was bought. For any greater prize the winner has to come to Lansing to get it," he said, "and they can match up the name and ensure that they're not on state assistance." When asked why a winner couldn't just give the ticket to someone not on assistance to cash in for them McMillin replied "because if you're poor, you've got to be dumb too."

McMillin said he knows of no other state that has adopted such a plan but said a similar bill was considered -- and rejected -- in Tennessee. "Well, Tennessee is one of those bleeding heart liberal states," McMillin said. "In Michigan we know poor people deserve to be poor and should be reminded of their poverty by their betters."

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Did The Invisible Hand Of The Market Slap Jesus?

Frequent readers of this blog know the bright flowers of innocence are soon smothered under the cold, snowy blanket of mean know that on occasion we like to chronicle the foibles of those who count themselves among the chosen. Friends of Yahweh. Rapture Ready. Standing at Salvation Station with a first class ticket in their hands.

We've been told that due to our, shall we say less than respectful attitude towards the aforementioned groups, sooner or later the all seeing all knowing one is going to lay five righteous digits upside our heads and we accept that. We mean, truth is a harsh mistress, you know? Just ask Mark Kirk.

Anyway, since everyone tells us it's only a matter of time before Jesus gets his smite on--and probably takes out the whole state of Michigan in the process--when we read stuff like this, we get a little confused, knowing as we do that it's our picture on the most not wanted wall in heaven's post office.
Crystal Cathedral the megachurch birthplace of the televangelist show "Hour of Power," has filed for bankruptcy in Southern California after struggling to emerge from debt that exceeds $43 million.
Now, we already know Jesus isn't what you'd call a micro-manager or anything, but you'd think he'd at least throw his homies a bone now and then.
Despite the current and ongoing economic climate, the most recent financial reports for the Crystal Cathedral Ministries indicate the best cash flow the Ministry has experienced in 10 years.
 Oh. Well, there you go then. Should have known better than to trust the lame stream media to get the story right. Should have trusted the lord right from the git go.
A small number of creditors chose to file lawsuits and obtained writs of attachment. Ultimately, the Creditors Committee decided not to extend the moratorium. For these reasons, the Ministry now finds it necessary to seek the protection of a Chapter 11.
 So, in retrospect, getting that line of credit from the First Bank of Hades wasn't such a good idea. Well, it's like reverend dad always said, "Never bring the problem solving stage into the decision making stage. Otherwise, you surrender yourself to the problem rather than the solution."

Right. Because that's...uh...that's...what?

Everybody is hurting today. We are no exception," Sheila Coleman Schuller the Cathedral's senior pastor and daughter of the founder, said. "But like my old reverend daddy used to say, 'Our greatest lack is not money for any undertaking, but rather ideas, If the ideas are good, cash will somehow flow to where it is needed.'"

Um, that's nice and all, but right now we're thinking your greatest lack is, you know, the old filthy lucre. What do you think Kristina Oliver?
Oliver, whose Hemet-based company provided live animals for the church's "Glory of Christmas" manger scene, said she doubts she will recover in full the $57,000 she is owed.
Yipes! $57,000 just for some sheep and camels? What, did they bleat in the original Aramaic or something? And you OK'd this reverend daughter? What would daddy say?
"Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost."
Yeah, well, Rosemary Braised Lamb Shanks might be a hit at the dinner party, but it don't pay the rent, know what we mean. Maybe you ought to get over there and just demand a little sumpin sumpin from the petty cash, Ms. Oliver.
"The church never made any kind of advancement that they wanted to pay their debt, that they were willing to try to make it happen and every time we tried they told us, 'You can't tell us how to run our business,'" Oliver said.
Bidness! Bidness! They told you they was a running a bidness? That's no way to refer to our lord and savior. Well, unless you're talking about The Donald, but we don't think you are.
The church saw revenue drop roughly 30 percent in 2009 and simply couldn't slash expenses quickly enough to avoid accruing the debt, said Jim Penner, a church pastor and executive producer of the "Hour of Power."
Revenue?  You mean when all the bubbas was a sending in their $200 to join the Platinum Eagles (receive a 15% discount at the Crystal Cathedral Books; Gifts store and at that was just "revenue" to you? What about "saving millions of lives"? What about the "unique online video fireside chats? Oh, we feel so...used, so...dirty.
Scientific quantitative data collected and analyzed by an independent researcher, revealed that the supporters and the viewers of the Hour of Power are happy with the Ministry and have faith in its leadership.
 Wait. First business, then revenue and What's next, marketing?

Oops. Never mind

Oh, reverend daddy we are lost. All these years we thought you were an instrument of Jehovah sent to guide our retched lives to toward a higher good and for the greater glory of his one and only son, the big JC. And now it turns out you're a common businessman, a money changer. Our hearts are broken, our souls cry out. What can you say to us reverend daddy, what can you say? How do you explain this?How do you justify it?
High achievers spot rich opportunities swiftly, make big decisions quickly and move into action immediately.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, man. Ever have one of those days? Or if you're an overlord one of those lifetimes? Just when you think you've found the perfect place to live your dream of...erm...well you don't really have dreams do you? There's the whole wetting the bed thing when you...well never mind. Anyway, so you think you're in the clover because you found a state where the legislators are dumber than you are  and Wham! A bunch of animal rights wackos show up and want to drop you in the deep end of the labor pool just because a few are damaged.
Plans are under way to shutter the waning Iowa greyhound racing industry during the next state legislative session, but dog racing supporters in the state say they will fight the effort.
Darn straight we're going to fight. Right after we figure out what "waning" means. Is that a legal term? Do we need a license to wane?
Bob Hardison of Onawa, president of the Iowa Greyhound Association and a greyhound owner, said his group will fight the effort. Greyhound racing provides more than 1,300 jobs in Iowa and there are more than 350 owners and 70 farmers in 30 Iowa counties.
Uh...Bob? Might want to stay away from the numbers argument. See you got 1300 part time, low wage, no benefits jobs that make a Wal-Mart greeter look like the vice president of Lotsa Dough Inc in a state with over 1.6 million workers; you got 420 overlords directly benefiting from the injury and death of innocent animals in a state with a population of  over three million people. Heck, there's more people working over at Karl Chevrolet ( We have a commitment to excellence in everything we do) in Des Moines than in your whole industry.
“I don't know of any animal industry in the state of Iowa that is more regulated than the raising of greyhounds. Our facilities are taken care of and our animals are taken care of,” Hardison said.
Oh, jeez Bob. You just come from listening to Gordon Bissett or something? When someone asks how the greyhounds are being treated you don't say they're "taken care of." And talking about how regulated you are isn't a good thing to bring up either. See, people think, Hmmm...lots of regulations huh? Must be a reason for that.
Iowa's two tracks have seen declining wagers over the last 20 years. In 1988, about $67 million was wagered at Dubuque Greyhound Park. That figure fell 97.5 percent to less than $1.7 million by 2009. And at Bluffs Run Greyhound Park in Council Bluffs, greyhound betting was $123 million in 1987, falling 96 percent to less than $5 million in 2009.
Yipes! Declining at over 4% a year for 20 years in a row? What do you think Red? Maybe old Bob should give Karl in Des Moines a call?

Red is loving, warm, cheerful, friendly, and affectionate. He smiles a lot and he wants to lean against you for attention. When you approach him, he starts wagging his tail- back and forth. He “chitters” his teeth when he is happy. He wants to shadow his foster family. He “roos” when he wants to see you. He has a big overbite which is endearing. Red would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He would probably do better in a home with another dog to keep him company. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Priest Is Going To Poke You

We're coming to you today from the Pot Meet Kettle Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. PMK is a wholly owned subsidiary of the I Know You Are But What Am I Corporation in partnership with The Center for The Advancement Of Glass Houses, Inc.

It seems Herr Popmeister is concerned we may be living in a fantasy world.
Pope Benedict XVI said on Thursday that the media’s increasing reliance on images, fueled by the endless development of new technologies, risked confusing real life with virtual reality.
Yeah. This from a guy whose full time job involves wearing the drapes, speaking a dead language and telling folks he knows what the invisible sky daddy in heaven wants them to do. Ironicus, meet Maximus.
"New technologies and the progress they bring can make it impossible to distinguish truth from illusion and can lead to confusion between reality and virtual reality," the pope said.
Pesky new technologies. Why can't we just stick with the old technologies and the old reality? You know, the one where women knew their place,  the homos lived in fear of discovery, and nobody complained when the parish priest counseled the choirboys with the sacred rod of holiness.
"The image can also become independent from reality, it can give birth to a virtual word, with various consequences -- above all the risk of indifference towards real life," he said.
Okey dokey, lessee here. Net worth of the church...[sound of whirring calculator]...carry the six...divide by three...422 billion. Now that's a fair chunk of change there Mr. Pope sir. Buy a lot of funny hats with that. In fact it's bigger than the GDP of most Latin American countries. You know, the ones that are primarily catholic? The ones where 25% of the population lives on less that $2 a day? Now before you go getting all up on your high horse, we're sure the pope is not being indifferent to real life like that while he's padding around the Apostolic Palace in his $640 Pradas, or while he's summering at Castel Gondolfo--no one stays in Rome for the summer--how gauche! Besides, the pope doesn't wear Prada. He has his own personal shoemaker. What? You think the Successor of the Chief of the Apostles is going to buy off the shelf?
He said the use of new technologies should set off "an alarm bell."
Oh we're with you there your pontifedness. We mean, take those doggone inter webs for example. Allowed folks like this to do things like this which led to this happening. Got to be the work of Satan in there somewhere.
Benedict’s comments came in a speech to participants at a world congress of Catholic media, organized by the Pontifical Council for Social Communications.
Hey, think we'll get any points with the big guy upstairs if we friend the pope?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

BREAKING: God Becomes Free Agent; Contract Not Picked Up By Pope

Ruh Ro. This can't be good.
Three Christian denominations have each claimed credit for what they say is divine intervention in the survival – and expected imminent rescue – of the 33 men who have spent 67 days beneath the earth.
Well, on the bright side at least they're all christians, so that means the right god is involved which makes it a sort of inter-conference thing we guess.
"God has spoken to me clearly and guided my hand each step of the rescue," said Carlos Parra Diaz, a Seventh-day Adventist pastor at the San Jose mine. "He wanted the miners to be rescued and I am His instrument." offense or anything pastor Diaz, but when god was clearly speaking to you did he mention that digging the miners out by hand probably wasn't the best way to go, and as far as an instrument, well, see we got these things called drills and you know, your arm probably wasn't long enough to reach all the way down to where the miners were anyway, but good effort there padre.
Yards from where he spoke Caspar Quintana, the Catholic bishop of Copiapo, prepared an altar to celebrate an outdoor mass for a small congregation of miners' relatives and phalanx of TV cameras. "God has heard our prayers," said the bishop. "I have received comments of encouragement from all over the world. Let us give thanks."
Now, normally in a situation like this we'd have to give it to the catholics because they've got the corner on miracles and stuff since Peter put the holy beat down on old Simon Magus back in the day, but like the reporter says, a "small congregation of miners' relatives and phalanx of TV cameras" means you're probably just trying to get in the news for something other than doinking the choirboys, so nice try there Caspar.
A little bit further up the hill of Camp Hope, the improvised settlement of miners' families, rescuers, government officials and media, an evangelical preacher, Javier Soto  wandered from family to family with a guitar and songs of praise. "He listens to the music," said the pastor, gesturing to the azure sky.
 Oh for...what is it with these evangelicals anyway? Come on pastor Soto, god doesn't have time to be jammin'. There's miners to be saved, plus the little matter of running the entire universe past present and future! Besides, the guy is master of all he surveys, don't you think someone like that could afford his own ipod shuffle? And you're acoustic. Ask bishop Quintana what god thinks of guitar masses sometime, will you?
Diaz, an intense 42-year-old dressed in black, claimed to be the first cleric at the mine and said it was no coincidence an exploration probe reached the trapped men.
And they laughed at you when you bought that police scanner. Well, who's laughing now slowpokes?. Snooze you lose. It's right there in the bible. Ask them dudes that chased Moses and his posse across the Red Sea.
Diaz stole a march over his rivals by obtaining permission to give a 10-minute talk to the assembled 33 families before their nightly briefing by government officials. "I do macro work. I am pastor to all." The other churches, he said, did "micro" work.
Hey pal, never make fun of the size of a catholic'
The pastor claimed his Catholic rival had trekked up to the bleak, muddy site just three or four times. Bishop Quintana declined to be drawn on the subject of competition but said he had received supportive emails from all over the world. "What matters is that God is acting through human ingenuity to rescue these men."
Oh snap! You get that? "Human ingenuity!"  Trying to get the miners out by hand? That's not ingenuity we can believe in. Stick that in your macro Diaz!
Shrines to the men dotted around the site are adorned with statues of saints and posters of religious figures such as Pope John Paul II.
OK, so we'll never know  whose team god was playing on down there, but one thing is for certain--you can't beat the catholics at product distribution.

Monday, October 11, 2010

In Which Ironicus Explains It All

Why are democrats still talking about "compromise" when it comes to raising taxes on rich people?

Because for the last thirty years republicans have told us that if you let rich people keep their money it will be better for all of us.

This is a load of crap.

You may now return to your daily activities.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Whoa! Oh, hi there. Caught us a little off guard. Getting ready for the big game and all. Say, you wouldn't happen to have any ice would you? Our freezer's full of Stoli. No? OK, well here's a few bucks would you mind running down to the...oh. You're here for Friday Hound Blogging. Well, no problem, no problem, we'll just take a peek at the toobz and see what the overlords have been up to. You sure you don't have any ice?'s see...overlords expect people with souls to clean up their mess...ah..old news...industry being killed by over regulation...same-o same-o...upstanding character of overlords besmirched in politically motivated smear campaign...slings and arrows, slings and arrows. Wait a minute, what's this?
There may not be greyhound racing in Massachusetts anymore, but there are still a lot of greyhounds.
Guess what? That's going to happen when know...stop killing them and stuff.
In Massachusetts, a statewide ballot question in 2008 passed by a large margin and ended dog racing here forever. Locally, tracks like Wonderland were pretty much put out of business. Others, like the Taunton track, were also put out of business.
"Others?" Er...Mr. Reporter sir? There are no "others." And, when the state outlawed dog racing what did you expect would happen to dog racing tracks? See, the whole idea of making something illegal is to stop people from doing it. No need to thank us for clearing that up for you. We're glad we could help.
So why is it that the dogs are now being ignored by so many?
Yeah, OK we don't mean to be rude or anything, but when you have to have illegal explained to you we're just going to have to ask how many is "so many" and who, exactly are these people ignoring greyhounds. Last time we checked people like Christine Dorchak hadn't moved to Belize or anything.
While that ballot question ended the long-standing dog racing industry in the state a few years ago, racing dogs are still coming back to Massachusetts from out-of-state in huge quantities and adoption agencies here are trying to figure out what to do with them.
 Hmm...well certainly "some people" think "huge quantities" are flooding into Massachusetts, but then, some people think the earth is flat so, Mr. Reporter sir, no offense but, do you, like, actually talk to people before you write your stories or is it just, you know, voices in your head and whatnot?
It’s an example of just how a ballot question – so emotionally driven – can have such unforeseen consequences. It brings up the larger question as to whether or not such sweeping changes to government should be determined by a simple vote of the people.
 Well, if by "unforeseen consequences" you mean greyhounds get to live longer, you know that wasn't all that "unforeseen." In fact it was sort of the point. And as for "simple vote of the people" that's that there whatderyacallit? Democracy? You know, Declaration of Independence? Baseball? Apple pie? Is any of this getting through?
Basically, after racing ended here, many trainers and kennel owners took their dogs to Florida. There are 13 tracks in Florida still in existence and dogs from Wonderland simply made the trip south. They weren’t set free to frolic in the fields and play all day long. They just went somewhere else to race.
 Right. You do understand that the law just referred to racing in Massachusetts don't you? There is still exploitation racing going on in other states.
Now, however, those dogs are retiring and they’re coming back to Massachusetts in droves. “We used to get four or five dogs and now often they want to bring a lot of dogs all at once,” said Louise Coleman – director of Greyhound Friends. “They don’t want to bring a few of these dogs all the way up here from Florida.”
True dat. This is called cleaning up after the overlords. See "people with souls" above.
Another worry is if greyhound racing disintegrates in other places. Just who will take care of all of those dogs? It’s a worry in the adoption industry that they call the potential “Greyhound Tsunami.”
Surely you are overly concerned Ms. Coleman. The overlords have explained to us, using irrefutable geometric logic that the dogs they so lovingly sucked their trailer payments off of all those years  will not be abandoned. Why, not a day goes by that some overlord somewhere doesn't explain how much the the industry cares for these "athletes." They're part of the family.

OK, writing that gave us a headache.
Finally, there’s also the worry about the overall survival of the greyhound breed. Without greyhound racing, greyhound trainers, and upstanding kennels, adoption agency directors wonder who would actually breed greyhounds.
Yipes, we hadn't thought of that. Why, greyhounds could suffer the same fate as horses did when people stopped breeding them after cars were invented. Jeez Ozzie, who'd a thought you were better off racing for a couple of years then being killed, huh?

Ozzie is very confident, curious and silly. His family says he is a big goof ball. He likes affection, but does not always seek it out. He will stay by you when you pet him. He looks at everything like he is seeing it for the first time. He is always investigating things. In the beginning, he kept running up to the full length mirror to see the “other dog”. He likes to stick his nose in things to “see” what it is – like your glass. Ozzie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Who's That Doing Downward Facing Dog? Could It Be...SATAN!

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the wages of effort are mean know we like to keep up on the latest pronouncements of the more godly segment of the population. Hey, if Jesus does come back we'd like to know about it before he comes knocking on our door with St. Petey's list and an accusatory look in his eye. Or the Watchtower, same diff...

Anyway, we tell you this by way of admitting that even though we monitor the tabloids for holy ghost sightings, this one slipped by us.
Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler says the stretching and meditative discipline derived from Eastern religions is not a Christian pathway to God.
OK we think we can help here. See, reverend Al, when you see someone doing this, she's not looking for a pathway to god, she just stepped on a tack and is trying to find it before she steps on it again.
Mohler said he objects to "the idea that the body is a vehicle for reaching consciousness with the divine."
Umm...rev? It's not the "divine " they're reaching for.  Well, OK, we could be wrong about that.
"That's just not Christianity," Mohler told The Associated Press.
Right. That's why it's called yoga and
Mohler said feedback has come through e-mail and comments on blogs and other websites since he wrote an essay to address questions about yoga he has heard for years.
"I'm really surprised by the depth of the commitment to yoga found on the part of many who identify as Christians," Mohler said.
Yeah rev, it's like we said...
Mohler argued in his online essay last month that Christians who practice yoga "must either deny the reality of what yoga represents or fail to see the contradictions between their Christian commitments and their embrace of yoga."
Come on now, rev. You should be more familiar with what the bible says when it comes to...erm...embracing than that.
He said his view is "not an eccentric Christian position."
 Hahahahaha!! Rev made a joke! See, yoga is about "positions" and he said it's not a christian "position" so it's like...oh forget it. If we have to explain it you're probably an episcopalian or something.
Muslim clerics have banned Muslims from practicing yoga in Egypt, Malaysia and Indonesia, citing similar concerns.
Oops. Well, there you go rev. If we give up yoga it means the terrorists win.
Stephanie Dillon, who has injected Christian themes into her studio in Louisville, said yoga brought her closer to her Christian faith...She said she prayed on the question of whether to mix yoga and Christianity before opening her studio, PM Yoga, where she discusses her relationship with Jesus during classes.
Oh, well say Stephanie, maybe you can answer a question for us then.  Would Jesus do the posture of ananta, or would that be some sort of copyright violation being as it belongs to another god and all?

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Hey, We Treat 'Em Like Crap But At Least We Don't Race 'Em

So we're slooshing through the inter toobz the other day and we run across this article that says a bunch of people in Missouri think that just because you're a dog doesn't mean you have to live in filth, eat crap and push  out puppies until you're used up just so some yahoo with a fourth grade education and a fenced back yard can consider himself one of them there entrey pre neurs.

Well, this makes a fair amount of sense thinks us, after all, why should the overlords have all the fun, so we moved on. But today we get a big fat load of wait a minute there Ironicus dropped on our front step like a flaming bag what our sainted mother used to call "bull's nasty."
Dog breeders are afraid that a measure on the Nov. 2 ballot will put them out of business.“We’re the good kennels, we’re not the bad kennels,” said Kelsea Vane. “We get inspected by the AKC, USDA and the state. We’re trying not to be the bad guys.”
Ah, the old "bad apple" defense. Let's see, where have we heard that before...Oh yeah. Word to the wise Mr. Vane. When you get caught exploiting innocent animals for profit, treating living creatures like your own personal gumball machines popping out treat after treat after treat, and just generally acting like the whole world revolves around your right to make your trailer payment with the blood money you earn from the gulag in your back yard, defending yourself by taking a page from the overlord's playbook is sort of like asking the captain of the Titanic for sailing lessons. Just saying.
There was a good crowd, said Janice Swofford, Southwest chapter treasurer. Bill Reibolt, Republican candidate for 130th district state representative, addressed the group and they had a cookout, bake sale, face painting and bounce house Saturday afternoon.
Because we all know, any response to governmental tyranny is incomplete without a bounce house. In fact, if the founding fathers had had a bounce house in 1776 the British would have been out of town by sundown and there would have been no need for the Declaration of Independence, let alone a revolutionary war.
Swofford’s border collie is a therapy dog and she also shows dogs, but if Proposition B passes, she says she will have to give it up. The new regulations would require “unfettered” outdoor access, twice the square footage of the indoor requirements of 12-square-feet for small dog under 25-inches, 20-square feet for dogs 25-35-inches and 30-square-feet for dogs 35-inches or longer.
 Ah, the old "end of the world as we know it" gambit. Well, played madam. Of course the idea of investing in your business to bring it up to code (and the subsequent tax write off) is not an option because hey, these are changes that benefit only the dogs. Cripes! What's up with that huh? Don't these do gooder animals rights wackos know why you got in the business in the first place?
Group members compare themselves to other agriculture endeavors across the state and contend they already have sufficient regulations.
 Right. Corn, soybeans, cocker spaniels. Makes perfect sense to us. You know, what you need is a spokesperson. Someone who can be the public face of puppy mills animal companion suppliers. Someone well known and respected, with good communication skills and the ability to bring all sides together in intelligent, informed conversation.  Wait a minute...what's this?
A conservative group in Missouri is picking up the backing of the Tea Party and Joe The Plumber in its quest to stop the Humane Society and other animal rights groups from passing "radical" anti-puppy mill legislation.
Um...OK...wouldn't have been our first choice, but then we also thought Gary Guccione was a bad choice and he turned out to bad example. Let's just hear what you have to say.
Well, according to the Alliance For Truth, the main force behind the anti-Prop B movement, there is something much more nefarious afoot (er, apaw) in the Humane Society's measure. The Alliance For Truth claims that the Humane Society of the United States has a "radical agenda" and is "misleading the public with its intentions on Prop B. The society seeks only to raise the cost of breeding dogs, making it ever-more difficult for middle-class American families to be dog-owners."
And there you have the Apocalypse Now maneuver.You guys have been sneaking in to overlord planning sessions haven't you?
Anita Andrews from Alliance For Truth told TPM that it's a "deceptive, lying bill" that is "trying to purposefully get rid of the breeders." "They don't like animals," she said of the Humane Society.
Wait, the Humane Society doesn't like animals? Then wouldn't they be the Inhumane Society?
The Alliance For Truth also has the support of some better-known conservative activists, like Joe 'The Plumber' Wurzelbacher, who wrote on the Alliance For Truth site that the Humane Society is "cowardly hiding behind animal cruelty, lying to our citizens and taking our constitutional rights away - one state at a time."
Well, leave it to well known Constitutional scholar Joe the Plumber to focus the debate. Of course in the heat of the discussion we had all forgotten about Article VIII, written, we think, by Ben Franklin himself in which he clearly explains that the right of the individual to act in a cruel, heartless and inhumane manner shall not be restricted by the government as long as it's making somebody a buck.

Joe's like Will Munny isn't he? Just showing up out of the night, righting them wrongs, and then riding off into the sunset.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we told you how corporate giant Harrah's was trying to destroy the the civic fabric and democratic traditions of Iowa by offering to pay the state to let them out from under mistreating and killing innocent animals for profit greyhound racing. Luckily, savvy legislators saw through their evil scheme and managed through quick inaction to avoid increasing the state's coffers by $7 million a year over seven years
Harrah's Casinos offered to pay $7 million over seven years for the state to shut down greyhound racing by July 1 -- a plan that included $3 million per year from the Dubuque Racing Association -- but the bill didn't make it out of committee.
Right, and neither did the members of the committee because they forgot which side of the door is the side that opens. If it hadn't been for the night janitor hearing the crying they probably would have starved to death.

Well, fast forward to the present and we find it's a bright new dawn for animal exploitation greyhound racing in Iowa.
The Dubuque Racing Association and the Iowa Gaming Association have inked a five-year contract to continue greyhound racing in Dubuque. The contract, announced Tuesday at the DRA board meeting, was the result of some "tough negotiation," according to Jesús Aviles, president and CEO of Mystique Casino and Dubuque Greyhound Park.
And by "tough negotiations" Mr. Avriles means bringing the Gaming Association members donuts every day along with pictures of his son and asking them  if they wanted to be responsible for putting the overlords on the street. "These people have no skills, anger issues and substance abuse problems," he told the committee. "And they know where you live."

"It's good to put everything to rest," Aviles said after Tuesday's meeting, noting the concern among those who work in the industry over efforts to end the overlords' free ride greyhound racing due to declining participation and funds. "Of course this contract has nothing to do with the fact that greyhound racing is about as popular as getting a root canal with a can opener, but it keeps these bozos off my back for a little longer."

Oh. Well, he might have a point about that can opener thing huh Dash?

Dash is fun. She is an avid tail wager and she smiles at you. She is very happy. She is very affectionate and loves to be petted and she will lean against you for attention. She will approach for pets. She has some shy moments, but is very loving. She has playful moments too and would do well with another dog who would like to play. She likes to collect toys. She loves to spend time outside in the grass. She is very relaxed in the home and is often found sleeping in the “cockroach” position (feet in the air). Dash would do well in a working family home with another dog with which she could play. She is good with well-mannered children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.