Monday, November 30, 2009

Catholic Church! Motto: Leading The Way To Irrelevancy In The 21st Century

Well, if this doesn't just dominus your vobiscum. It seems certain muckity mucks in the church catholic are a bit peeved at Patrick Kennedy because he had the temerity to suggest that women should have some say so in the use of their bodies.

Where do people get crazy ideas like that, Bishop Tobin?

Bishop Thomas Tobin, the Roman Catholic leader of Rhode Island, confirmed he had asked Kennedy, a congressman for the north-eastern state, to refrain from taking Holy Communion because of his support for abortion. "Now, I want to make very clear that we're still happy to take his money," Bishop Tobin said. "But when it comes to holy snack time, NO HOST FOR YOU!"

OK, before we go on we'd just like to say that we do recognize the potential for a bunch of jokes concerning the whole Kennedy family and the use of women's bodies, but it's Monday after a holiday and we're a little ragged around the edges, so you want Kennedy jokes, be our guest. Now, back to our story:

Tobin defended his stand against Kennedy, saying in a statement on his website that he "sought to provide solely for his spiritual well-being."

Darn Straight. We mean, the church is all about moral guidance and spiritual well being. Isn't that so Tom Sweeney, Mannix Flynn and Christine Buckley?

A 2,600-page report, published Wednesday following a nine-year probe into child abuse by Ireland's fading Catholic religious orders, painted a damning portrait of a system that protected child-molesting church officials while consigning generations of Ireland's poorest children to misery. The five-volume report on the probe — which was resisted by Catholic religious orders — concluded that church officials shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest amid a culture of self-serving secrecy.

Right. Because children are the most vulnerable and most in need of protection and safety from...wait, what was that?

"A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from," Ireland's Commission to Inquire Into Child Abuse concluded.

Oh. Well...uh...OK. Hey, kids are resilient, right? It's that whole being young thing. They get over it. But poor people, now there's where the church can really shine. What you do for the least of my brethren and all that, right?

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.

Look, it's a matter of making the best use of limited resources. Most of these people are going to hell anyway, and that Kennedy guy will be leading the way, so what do you want from us? Consistency?

Malus bonum ubi se simulat, tunc est pessimus.1

Friday, November 27, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we sometimes end this phrase with some sort of smart Alec comment. Ha! Got you there, didn't we? You're all thinking that predictable.

Yeah? How you like us now Mr. and Ms. mouths agape in shocked disbelief?

Agape. We like that word. It's one of our favorite words, along with lugubrious.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, frequent readers of this blog know that on the occasion of Friday Hound Blogging we like to make light of the overlords' shall we say, lack of intellectual wattage. This, as you may imagine is not a challenging task.

However, this week we have set the bar substantially higher (insert your own Stoli joke here--we're busy). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this week we are going to describe for your reading pleasure how a person who is highly educated, experienced and capable can be dumber than an overused cat box. This week we are going to conclusively demonstrate for you that Stephen Gamble, President of Eastern New Mexico University is an idiot.
Several weeks ago, APNM learned of an ill-conceived plan by Eastern New Mexico University (ENMU) to acquire two greyhounds from a now-closed Arizona race track and turn them into live mascots with no permanent home. APNM is joining what is a nationwide debate over ENMU’s inhumane proposal to use the two dogs as campus mascots, and to keep them permanently warehoused on campus without long-term and consistent human companionship recommended for domestic dogs.
See, because their sports teams are called the Greyhounds. Get it? They're going to get a couple of greyhound right off the track, stick them somewhere around campus, hope someone will take care of them, then trot them out at football games and such in front of drunk screaming fans to liven up the day.

What could possibly go wrong?
President Gamble told APNM that ENMU plans for a half-million dollar renovation to the grim warehouse building where the dogs will be kept during the day. APNM visited the dim interior warehouse space and found it crowded with tall piles of crates and boxes. Chain link and barbed wire fencing surround what is proposed as the dogs’ daytime back yard; the space is entirely devoid of shade. The enclosed “yard,” reportedly being cleared by backhoe of shards of glass and pottery seeded by the archaeology department for student use, is an otherwise barren plot of packed earth.
OK, is there anyone out there who believes this renovation has anything at all to do with the dogs or there is even the slightest possibility any of their needs were taken into consideration when it was planned? Raise your hand if you do. Didn't think so. Let's recap: We're going to get ourselves a couple of dogs, stick them in a warehouse and hope we can get somebody to look in on them from time to time, then pull them out and make them run around while people scream at them. That about it?

Did we mention President Gamble is an idiot?
President Gamble was unable to tell APNM who the dogs’ trainer would be, what the trainer’s background is, or exactly when or how any caretakers would be trained.
He was also unable to tell APNM how he ties his shoes, how he feeds himself, and how he gets home after work. He was, however, able to describe each of the shiny things he keeps in his desk drawer.
The website of Greyhound Connection, which is supplying the dogs, says that “Separation anxiety may hit Greyhounds harder than some breeds because Greyhounds seem to be more sensitive than most others.”
Right. So here's our question Mr. Greyhound Connection, sir: Why are you even considering letting this Bozo adopt two of your dogs? You got a bet with him about who can be more stupid in less time?

Hey Tootie, what say we all send President Gamble a little note and let him know what we think of his plan. If he gets someone to turn his computer on for him, you can reach him at

Too Tall AKA Tootie is a bit shy and she is learning to trust people. She enjoys pets and is starting to seek attention. She enjoys playing with toys. She has an energetic playful side, which comes out first thing in the morning and when it is time for a walk. She has a very cute face with distinct worry lines. Tootie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs, once she gets to know them. Initially she is a bit shy with them. She would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Hounds Home For The Holidays

Hey, how about a little triple H before you attempt your yearly overdose on tryptophan? Frequent readers of this blog know the lasting gifts of the holidays are despair and mean know that Hounds Home for the Holidays is a long standing tradition here in the marbled halls of IM Central that we remember whenever we're sober enough (Hey, come on, it is the holidays after all) in which we spend a little extra time trying to find a couch for a deserving ex-racer.

And this year there are more than a few skinny dogs out there with their bags packed waiting for a cab, because as you probably know, the last track standing in Wisconsin is closing down. Further, as you may imagine in any endeavor involving the overlords this has occasioned no small amount of confusion regarding all sorts of issues, not the least of which is the number of greyhounds affected. Estimates range for 300 to 900 with several stops in between.

This should not surprise anyone. We mean, look who is in charge of the census. These are overlords folks. People who get it wrong two out of three times when you ask them how many beers are in a six pack. Truth is they just don't know how many dogs are in their charge, because heck, who counts? They come, they run, they go. What are we, their keepers or something? Do you know how many light bulbs you have in your house? How many tubes of tooth paste? Didn't think so.

The overlords are quick to remind us though, that because of their kind benevolence (and the law in Wisconsin) they will not be killing the dogs willy nilly.

Ellen Paulus of the Wisconsin chapter of Greyhound Pets of America. "Wisconsin law mandates that no dogs can be put to sleep in our state just because their racing careers are completed," she said. "Dogs have 3 options: transfer to another track and be killed there if they don't win, go into adoption programs, or be signed back [to] their owners who will either kill them or sell them for medical research."

It's all about what's best for the dogs people.

So, what we do know is that the overlords are about to dump beaucoup dogs on us either because they care so deeply for them, treat them as family and are concerned that they are protected and safe, or the dogs can't help make the trailer payment anymore, so phhhhhtt who cares? You decide.

Anyway, if you are so inclined there are several ways you can contact a rescue group in your area to help. Adoption is nice if you are in a position to provide a couch, but money is always appreciated because the dogs will come with all their injuries, illnesses and scars, both physical and emotional. Some will need massive amounts of TLC, and/or Veterinary expertise.

One thing that almost anyone can do with a little training is fostering. Short term needle nose nurturing has the benefit of getting the pooch out of the euthanasia system and into the adoption system, buying some time because the overlords' loving patience only lasts until the next bill comes due. And rent-a-parents aren't so bad when compared to kennel life are they Jay?

Jay is a real comic and ‘smiles’ with a full-tooth grin when he sees someone he likes. He has all the typical greyhound traits. He is outgoing and playful, and sleeps in the ‘cockroach’ position – on his back with his feet in the air. He also likes to shadow people and looks lovable when he wants his ears scratched. Sometimes Jay is a ‘collector’ and will gather his toys in the dog beds around the house. He knows when it’s his supper time and will remind you if you forget by dancing around to get your attention. Jay would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs, and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Monday, November 23, 2009

OK, But Don't Expect A Card On Mother's Day

Much as we'd like to tell you that our parents were maladjusted sociopaths--it would make the empathy quotient of the biopic we plan to have made about our lives after we become famous more attractive to the female demographic, we have to say that all things considered they were really pretty run of the mill. Oh sure, our old daddy subscribed to the indentured servitude school of child rearing (I brought you into this world so you owe me, now get in here and change the channel on the tee vee) and our sainted mother's theory of illness on school days was if it isn't bleeding, take an aspirin and get on the bus, but by and large they pretty much stayed within normal parental conventions.

We needed a momma like this one.

A police officer in a small US town used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old girl after he said her mother gave him permission to do so. "At first she wanted me to shoot the girl, although she did say I should try and make it just a flesh wound," the officer said. "In retrospect, I probably should have tased the mother."

Now the town's mayor is calling for an investigation into whether the Taser use was appropriate. Well, sure it was appropriate," said a neighbor. "I mean the mother was willing to french fry her little girl for misbehaving. Think what she would have done to the cop if he'd told her no."

Ozark, Arkansas Officer Dustin Bradshaw's report said the girl screamed, kicked and resisted any time her mother tried to get her in the shower before bed. "since neither one of us had ever experienced a disobedient child before, her mother told me to 'curl that little cracker's hair' if I needed to," he wrote.

The child was "violently kicking and verbally combative" when Mr Bradshaw tried to take her into custody and she kicked him in the groin. "She called me 'gross' and said my momma was a 'stinky pants,'" he added. "I considered calling for backup."

Now, let's get this straight. The average height and weight of a 10 year old girl is 4' 3" and a little over 70 pounds. Even if she kicked him in area how much harm could she do? And does he usually try to take people into custody by presenting his private parts to them?

The names of the girl and her mother were redacted in the report, but everyone knows who they are because when the girl walks by a light bulb it flickers.

Mayor Vernon McDaniel said he wants Arkansas State Police - and if they decline, the FBI - to investigate the incident. State police have said they didn't want to have anything to do with "a bunch of crazy hillbillies," and the FBI won't say whether it is involved. "If she didn't wiggle over state lines while she was flopping around after he zapped her, we're not interested," said a spokesperson for the Little Rock FBI office.

"People here feel like that he made a mistake in using a Taser, and maybe he did, but we will not know until we get an impartial investigation," he said. He made a a mistake? What about the mom? What's she going to do when the kid gets older and misses curfew? Call out the National Guard?

Police Chief Jim Noggle said no disciplinary action was taken against Mr Bradshaw. He said Tasers are a safe way to subdue people who are a danger to themselves or others. "Well, except when it kills you," he said.

"We didn't use the Taser to punish the child - that was just a sort of added benefit," he added.

Mr Noggle said the girl will face disorderly conduct charges as a juvenile in the incident. "Tried to get her charged as an adult," Noggle said. "But the prosecutor said it's hard to do that with people who still play with dolls."

The girl's father, Anthony Medlock, said that his daughter has emotional problems but that she didn't have a weapon and shouldn't have been Tasered. "What's next?" he asked billy club her because she won't eat her peas?"

"My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal," said Mr Medlock, who is divorced from the girl's mother and does not have custody.

Might want to reconsider that arrangement Mr. Medlock. Just saying.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, no more tracks closed this week. How about that overlords? Got to take your victories where you find them, no? So, since you don't need to convince people that what's left of western civilization will collapse if you lose your minimum wage no benefit job this week, what to do? What to do?

Oh, we know, fleece the rubes.

Welcome to the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the internet.

Hmm...being the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the web is sort of like being the tallest ballerina in Wabash Indiana.

Due to overwhelming demand our pick sheets are now free.

OK, we're not economists or anything, but doesn't increasing demand cause the value of something to go up?

Honestly, these picks are not the exact picks I play and my players play. We reserve the best of the best for ourselves. However these picks are most likely the best you will find anywhere. what you're telling us is if we're stupid enough to listen to you we deserve what we get?

Charging money for pick sheets is more of a hassle than anything else. We could never charge what they are really worth .

Right, because who wants to make money anyway? Cheapens the challenge and all that. Besides, since our picks are the ones you don't bet, we're sorting of getting what we paid for.

Our picks are made using a method I developed over 10 years ago and have been using ever since.

Yeah. Uh, would that be the method we get, or the one you "reserve" for yourself and your players?

I also train a limited number of players to play on the pro level each year.

The pro level? There's a pro level of rubes? Is that like the people who can actually tie their own shoes level?

We no longer teach the pencil / program method of handicapping.

Got it. Need people who can read and write for that.

I have been training players since 2005 and have many satisfied students, including some who play to earn income.

Some who play to earn income? What do you think the rest play for Madison? Shiny trinkets?

Madison is very affectionate. She will approach people as soon as they come into the house. She likes to lean against you, will nuzzle her head against you, and gives kisses. She likes hugs and nose rubs. She is hilarious to watch. She is like Bambi on ice with the wood floors. She is playful in the morning and likes to play with her family and other dogs, although she is an early to bed girl. She is a quick learner. She is very animated – She will look you right in the eyes like she is communicating with you. Madison would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do well in an active family that would include her and she would make a great meet and greet girl. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Republicans! Motto: We're Thinking Of Changing The Elephant For A Fainting Goat

We're coming to you today from the super reinforced, double secure, reverse air pressure, extra padded anti-super terrorist bunker here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We've been down here since we found out Magneto is coming to New York.

Attorney General Eric Holder is defending his decision to put the professed Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in New York — and urging critics of the plan not to cower in the face of terrorists. "I thought you were only afraid of black people," Holder told the committee.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Let's see, is he the guy that can make himself invisible or the one with mind control powers?

Holder is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where republican lawmakers are likely to wet themselves over the attorney general's decision last week to send KSM and four alleged henchmen from a detention center at Guantanamo Bay to New York to face a civilian federal trial.

KSM? Isn't that a classic Rock radio station on Portland?

President Barack Obama, meanwhile, said that those offended by the legal privileges being given to Mohammed by trying him in a civilian court ultimately won't find it "offensive at all when he's convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him."

Darn straight Mr. President. Um...Those are the courts where you're innocent until proven guilty, right?

Obama added that he did not mean to suggest he was prejudging the outcome of Mohammed's trial.

OK, sorry. We must have misunderstood "when he's convicted" or something.

Critics of Holder's decision — mostly Republicans — have argued the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to spout hateful rhetoric.

Yeah, we see what you're saying. If there's anybody who knows about spouting hateful rhetoric, it's the republicans. Point of order: Will Mohammed get to carry misspelled signs or posters of Obama as the Joker?

In remarks prepared before the hearing, Holder says such concerns are misplaced, because real life isn't like episodes of 24 and any pronouncements by Mohammed would only make him look like a Palin supporter. "Who you think this guy is anyway, Wesley Pruden?" Holder said.

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy," Holder says. "Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm, and our people are ready." Several reporters heard a reply to Holder's comments from senator Kyl, but could not understand him as he refused to come out from under his desk.

The president echoed Holder's comments about the New York trial. "Come on republicans," the president said. "Man up."

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists are space ninjas and that prevents us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, is due to the republicans watching too many X-Men movies ," Obama said in an interview with CNN. "And I'm sorry if that makes Glenn Beck cry," the president added.

Opponents of the plan, including Holder's predecessor Michael Mukasey, have accused him of adopting a "pre-9/11" approach to terrorism. When asked to explain what that meant, Mukasey said he wasn't sure but he'd heard Rudy Giuliani use it and thought it sounded "macho."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Fox News! Motto: At Least We're Not As Dumb As Our Audience

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the sweet release that comes with the complete abandonment of mean have come to rely on us for their daily dose of cutting edge satire and pithy political commentary.

If by "come to rely on" you mean, Hey, now that we've read what the adults are saying, let's go see what Ironicus has written. But first let's have a drink. Ironicus always makes more sense after a drink.

Tru dat. The point is, in our ongoing efforts to add to the number of minutes in your life you wish you had back, we occasionally have to make certain...umm...adjustments to the quality of our output. Or, as Blogmistress Jenna puts it: a "blog that contains a mix of successful, moderately successful, and far less successful posts."

Hahahahaha! Students. Aren't they cute? Always so...focused.

But we digress. The reason we tell you this is to establish our credentials in the area of phoning it in and, having established said credentials would like to offer the following advice to our friends at Fox: Dudes. Take a day off.

President Obama's deep bow to Japanese Emperor Akihito on Saturday may not have violated any official protocol, but critics of the presidential act of deference nevertheless say he's guilty of bad form.

Guys. Come on. When the best you've got is our president bowing to the leader of a country where bowing is as much a part of the culture as shaking hands over here, you really got nothing.

Seriously. You. Got. Nothing.

Believe us. We know about having nothing.

Look, we all know it's easier to make fun of the fact that Obama is polite and knows that there are different customs in different cultures than to actually study his polices and develop a cogent argument against them. Not to mention that you'd lose two thirds of your audience fifteen seconds into a show like that. Well, maybe if you called it Helth Kare Debait. That might hold them for a little longer.

But never mind. Forget that. We know it's not your mission anyway. Your mission is to convince people talents to vote against their own best interests. By scaring them. But think about it. What kind of return are you going to get for this? Do you really expect tea baggers will be out running around the country shouting "Obama treats people with respect and dignity! Omygod!! Omygod!! Omyfreakingod!!"

Well, OK, that could happen, but if you want to reach out to people with IQ's above that of fingernail clippings you've got to come up with something that has a little more sizzle, a little more oomph. Day after day telling us that Obama has manners, Obama is educated, Obama can walk an chew gum at the same time just gets old.

Trust us. We know about stuff getting old. Just ask Jenna.

Monday, November 16, 2009

How Do You Say "Klaatu Barada Nikto" In Latin?

Oh man, this is really going to tick off Lou Dobbs.

The Pope's chief astronomer--well, his only astronomer-- has conceded other intelligent beings could exist in outer space provided they're not lutherans. "We're talking intelligent life here," the astronomer said. The conclusion has been drawn by members of the Yorba Linda High School Science Club called in by the Vatican to study the possibility of extraterrestrial life and its implications for shifting the blame for all those anal probes priests are accused of. "This pope likes to think outside of the box," said one vatican official.

Aliens. And they're coming from outer space. How do you build a wall against that?

The Vatican's five-day conference attracted 30 astronomers, physicists and biologists, including non-Catholics and other humanoids.

Thirty? You call a conference and you only get thirty people? We got more than that over to watch the Star Trek marathon. Course we had to buy the beer, but let's not quibble. We can see why you let in people from the fake churches. How come the low turn out padre?

It has been four centuries since the Catholic Church locked up Galileo for challenging the belief that the Earth was at the center of the universe.

Yeah. Church does tend to hold a grudge, huh? Plus it's not like the pope has gone all Carl Sagan on us anyway, is it?

The conference was was held in the apartment of Jesuit priest Father Jose Gabriel Funes, an astronomer and director of the Vatican Observatory and gift shop which does not have its telescope pointed at the convent across the street so don't even go there. Father Funes says the possibility of alien life raises "many philosophical and theological implications, especially if they have the concepts of money and donate," but that the gathering was mainly focused on the scientific perspective and what we can do to get rid of it.

One of the organisers was Chris Impey, a professor of astronomy at the University of Arizona. He says the aim was to spend a weekend speaking Klingon only and assess the most recent research around the question of what Sarek ever saw in an earth woman.

"And also getting a sense of when, you know, the Vulcans will make contact," he said.

"If you were going to take a set of bets of the 30 scientists gathered for that meeting, I think most of them would have said the first Star Wars trilogy was the best," Impey added.

Dr Paul Collins, a former priest and now Church historian, Catholic commentator, and official spokesperson for the pope's soccer team says a belief in extraterrestrial life does not necessarily contradict any basic tenets of the Catholic religion. "Especially if they're ugly," he added. "I mean, figure it out. We were made in god's image, so if aliens show up and they look like spiders, or goats with faces we just say those are the prototypes before god worked out the glitches. Wham bam, problem solved. It's sort of like what we used to do with black folks before civil rights."

"Essentially what the Christian faith generally is saying and certainly Catholicism specifically is saying is that God is the ultimate source of life, the ultimate source of reality," Collins said. "Which is why we have to expose Glenn Beck for the Mothman that he is."

The views of the Catholic Church have shifted radically since the Italian philosopher Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake as a heretic in 1600 for speculating other worlds could be inhabited. "Yeah," Collins said. "Now we just hack your Facebook page and photoshop the devil's face over yours on all your pictures."

And Dr Collins sees no problem with where aliens might fit in with the belief that man was created in God's image. "Every creature reflects the goodness and the creativity of God. Humankind, well, white western humankind we certainly would argue represents that most fully and most completely," he said. "Which is why alien will be the new black. Or maybe the new gay, it depends if they're bigger than us or have more arms or laser eyes or something.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, what's this? Green shoots in Massachusetts?

“Here in Massachusetts, we’ve really in much of our manufacturing made a transformation to true 21st century advanced manufacturing. Sixty percent of the more than 700 firms we talked with actually expected to add jobs between now and 2017,” Northeastern University political economist Barry Bluestone said.

Well, that's encouraging. Maybe we underestimated overlord Doug Pizzi spokesman for the industry group Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Especially the Handlers. After all, he was all about saving jobs and supporting the economy through the heartless exploitation of innocent mean continuing greyhound racing. Apparently he's having an impact. Good times are coming back to Raynham Taunton, no doubt thanks to Mr. Pizzi's hard work.

After more than 60 years of operation, the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park is now just seven weeks from closure, due to the upcoming statewide ban on dog racing.

See, that just goes to show you what a small group of dedicated individuals can do when they...wait a minute...what?

The inevitability of that shutdown was apparent in the mood at Wednesday’s public hearing, held by the state Racing Commission, on the track’s request for a slate of race dates for 2010. While the commission had until next Sunday to make a decision, commissioners didn’t bother waiting. They took a vote to dismiss the dog track’s application.

OK, let's recap. Raynham Taunton closes and the economy in Massachusetts gets better? Is that what you are saying?

Well, we're sure that's just a coincidence. We mean, look what's going on in Wisconsin where the Dairyland track is contributing to the good economic health of the state.

The last of Wisconsin's five greyhound race tracks is closing at the end of the year. The operators of Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha said the track will end racing Dec. 31. Dairyland executive Roy Berger said the track has lost $17 million over the last seven years, including a $4 million deficit in 2009.

See, you take a thriving industry like unit racing and it can carry a state through tough economic times just like...umm, did you say closing? Man, that has got to devastate the state.

The national economic recession remains severe but the bottom is in sight and Wisconsin is expected to show recovery in employment and personal income starting in 2010, according to the quarterly Wisconsin Economic Outlook released today by the Department of Revenue.

OK look, just because the economies of two states begin to improve as soon as they shut down greyhound racing is no reason to jump to conclusions. We're sure there's a rational explanation. There are plenty of states with vibrant, flourishing economies and operating tracks. States, Arizona. Yeah, Arizona where greyhound racing means the state has been pretty much recession proof.

Phoenix Greyhound Park today announced it plans to close its live racing on December 19 as a result of the challenging economy and increased competition.

Rats. OK, let's have the rest of the bad news. Greyhound track closes, economy improves. Go ahead lay it on us.

The Arizona and national economies are going through a painful readjustment that will take awhile to complete, according to economists who spoke at an economic outlook forum sponsored by the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Track goes down, economy goes up. Look we still...wait, what did you say?

“It’s time to lower expectations,” said Elliott Pollack, an influential Scottsdale-based economist and chief executive of Elliott D. Pollack & Co. “The outlook is mediocre next year.”

Ha! Well, there you have it folks, proof positive that just because a state gets rid of greyhound racing doesn't mean its economy will improve. Right there in Arizona, track closes, economy still no better off.

Somebody call overlord Pizzi. He's probably feeling a little down about the whole thing, perhaps the news for Arizona will help him to avoid the realization that his life is basically a coffee stain on the universe for a while longer. Just tell him Arizona is still hurting even though their track closed.

Wait. We're sorry. What did you say Pilfer? Arizona isn't like Massachusetts and Wisconsin because there's still a track in Tucson? Oh. Well that explains the whole lowered expectations thing then, doesn't it?

Pilfer is affectionate and loving. He likes to kiss your ears and other dog’s ears and faces. He is starting to play with toys. He likes to collect his toys and will take them to his crate. He can be found in the cockroach position – on his back with his feet in the air. Pilfer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

OK, But Don't Let Fox News Report On The Crowd Size*

Whoa. Here's a scary headline:

Sarah Palin Determined to Strike in US

OK, we're paraphrasing, but the point is the formerly super secret triple lockdown stealth speaker (available for conventions, meetings and bar Mitzvahs--call for rates) is about to GET IN YOUR FACE you liberal, commie, socialist...umm...liberal, socialist, commie, something something BAD! Did we mention you're a communist?

Last year's Republican vice presidential comedy star is starting a book tour next week to promote her graphic novel, "Glowing Rouge: Coco Rose In America." Yeah, and this time she actually read it too, so get ready to have your cute little buttocks handed to you Couric. Umm..we mean she wrote the book.

Is it a thinly-veiled bid to test the waters for a possible 2012 Republican presidential bid, or simply an effort to make money and cement her celebrity status?

Uh, yes?

"From Michigan, the 'Glowing Rouge' tour will cover as much of the country as possible," Palin had somebody write this week on her Facebook page. "I've decided to stop in cities that are not usually included in a typical book tour. And by that I mean places where the illiteracy rate tops 20%."

Hahahaha! Get it? Because the book will sell best in places where people can't read. See? That's funny...wait. She's coming here?

The walking, talking carnival ride, who's often listed in the 2012 Republican presidential field because, well, really, who cares, will make her mark on copies of "Glowing Rouge" at Barnes & Noble Auto Body in Grand Rapids at 7 p.m. Nov. 18.

Oh, Grand Rapids. Pyramid scheme central. Coincidence? We think not.

Palin remains as unmedicated as ever, beloved by third grade dropouts and derided by people with good personal hygiene, a year after bursting onto the national stage with her wink and her photo of Putin that she took from her porch with Republican presidential nominee...uh...Jim?...Joe?...What was that guy's name again?

Yet there is no denying her star status in the Republican Party, where she is often mentioned alongside possible Republican candidates in 2012, such as Ronald Reagan, Barry Goldwater and Herbert Hoover, all of whom suffer form the distinct disadvantage of being dead. Like the republican party.

"Obviously she is going to be a major player for some time to come," said Saul Anuzis, former chairman of the Michigan Amway Party. "I mean, come on. All you need to be a major player in the republican party today is a pre-existing mental condition."

The tour is a chance at a fresh start for Palin who resigned as governor of Alaska last summer after growing tired of fending off ethics violations accusations from critics. "I'm ready to do that on a national level," she told reporters.

A CNN poll reported last month that more than seven in 10 Americans think Palin is not qualified to be president. Republicans were split, with 52 percent saying she's qualified and 47 percent making doodles in the margin of the survey.

Aside from some paid speeches, Palin has largely communicated via her Facebook page. "Well, in her defense, LOL and OMG are about the only two words she can spell," said an aide who asked not to be identified.

*Right Jon?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On The Bright Side, It Means The Cubs Still Have A Chance To Win The Series

We're coming to you today from the Nostradamus wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Nostradamus wing is just across from the Office of Yeti Cultural Studies and down the hall from the Center for the Investigation of Extraterrestrial Anal Probes.

We're down here doing a little research on the end of the world because what with the election of the black Antichrist and all we don't want to get caught unawares if the big J up there pushes the reset button. Well, come to think of it we're not even sure Jesus would be the one to initiate the reboot. Perhaps dad would do it, or maybe even the honor would go to one of the saints who might have a score to settle. We mean, take Antony of Padua, the patron saint of asses for example (the four legged kind, not people who watch Glenn Beck). He can't too happy about how that turned out. Or saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery. Who did he tick off at the vatican? Or how about saint Giles, the patron saint of breast feeding. OK, he probably doesn't have a beef with us, but you see our point.

Umm...Why is the patron saint of breast feeding a guy?

Ah, but we digress. Still...well, the point is, as a result of our exhaustive research, and in spite of what this guy says (Caution: site best viewed with polarized sunglasses. Dark polarized sun glasses) we feel confident in saying that the world is definitely not going to end in the near future.

Why? Think about it. Let's say you're Jesus and you're thinking about a return trip to planet earth where you'll be greeted by all your faithful followers, set up on a throne and given free lifetime passes to Disneyland. After all, you've given them 2000 years to get their act together, love their neighbors, do unto others, all that stuff. So you look down on your flock to see what the haps are, and what do you see?

John Ensign

Mark Sanford

Chip Pickering

At first you think to yourself, these crazy humans, they're pulling my holy leg. Surely these can't be the leading spokesmen for my message.

Ah, but wait junior. It gets worse.

So it occurs to you that if you rapture up the faithful, these guys are going to be your neighbors and is that what you really want Mr. son of god sir? Is it?

Didn't think so.

If only you could find one person who has been faithful to your word, one follower who represents all that you intended us to become, one who realized the potential. Wait, who's that?

Carrie goes on at length about how she was a shoe-in for the Miss USA title but got shut out due to her answer against gay marriage during the question and answer period. She says things like “Miss USA needed me,” “I feel as if I’m Miss Universe,” and “God chose me.”

Hmmm thinks you. This has possibilities. Here's a simple, devout unassuming girl who has suffered for her faith, yet remains true to her beliefs and steadfast in her devotion. Maybe there's hope for these people yet. Plus she is definitely not hard on the eyes, and there is that condo next to me that's empty now that Peter is spending all his time in Florida.

So you sit back in your chair, eye the red button that starts Armageddon and think maybe you'll give dad a call one he gets beck from golf and see what he thinks. In the mean time you decide to Google Ms. Prejean, just to see what church she attends, and the first thing that pops up on your screen is this.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean defended a recently surfaced erotic video of her as a youthful indiscretion and questioned whether it could actually be called a “sex tape” since no one else appears in it.

No one else? Man, that sure looks like the holy ghost over there by the TV. Wonder if he saved the video.

Monday, November 09, 2009

And Jesus Said Unto The Masses "Exact Change Only"

Regular readers of this blog have probably become accustomed to the soft bigotry of low mean may recall a while back the national campaign to determine what Jesus would drive were he to trade in his mule. And if they'd had cars back then.

Personally we think the son of god would have rated a driver, but that's just us.

Hahahahaha! We crack us up. Anyway, silly theologians, study your bible. It's right there in Paul's second letter to the Corinthians verses 15 and 16: "With this ticket I formerly intended to come to you so that I might receive double frequent rider miles, namely, to go by way of Greyhound to Macedonia, and then to come to you again on my return from Macedonia, and have you send me on my way to Judea on the express out of Thessalonica."

And where do you think Paul learned to use mass transportation? Well, if you had studied the bible like we have you would know that an often forgotten part of the miracle of the loaves and fishes when Jesus fed the crowd at Caanan, was that he also arranged for buses to take the crowd home after the wedding. Sort of an early designated driver thing. Anyway, it's pretty obvious from our close study of scripture that Jesus would take the bus. And that is why we have to defend the right of bus drivers everywhere to lay the holy word on their passengers. After all, what is a bus but a rolling church and the driver is the pastor, safely guiding his flock through the detours of Satan of to the redemptive garden of Broadway and Fifth.

And on schedule too. We all know how Beelzebub hates it when things run on time.

A MARTA bus driver is on suspension following allegations that he forced passengers to pray before allowing them to exit the bus. "Have you seen the way those idiots drive out on the boulevard? You'd pray too if you had to drive in that," said driver Leroy Matthews.

Christopher James was one of those passengers. James said, initially, he thought something was wrong when he rang the bell to get off the bus and the door didn’t open.

And why didn't the doors open, Mr. James? Do you know? Could it have been SATAN?

James’ cousin, who arrived at the bus stop to meet him, said she saw the men standing inside the bus, but didn’t realize they were praying.

Oh. OK, our bad. It was your cousin, not Satan. Easy mistake to make though, we mean look at that guy. Put a set of horns and a tail on him and you got a dead ringer for the Dark Lord.

James said the bus driver asked him and three other passengers to join hands in prayer. James said the driver prayed with the group for about four minutes. “He got up out of the driver’s seat,” he said. James, who isn’t against prayer, said he felt compelled to join in although the request confused him. "Yeah, I mean I heard MARTA's repair and maintenance budget had been cut back, but I figured if things were so bad they had to pray to make it from stop to stop, maybe I ought to take a cab or something."

Ha! That's just what Lucifer would want you to do.

A MARTA representative said that the transit agency suspended the bus driver for five days and told him not to try and save the passengers. "Actually the praying part wasn't so bad. It's when he tried to baptize the passengers by pouring Mountain Dew on their heads that we knew we had a problem," the representative added.

Hmm...a MARTA representative said that? Are you sure it wasn't, oh, we don't know, SATAN? Well, it could have been James' cousin again. We'll get back to you on that.

Matthews has been with MARTA for six years. Before that he drove the community bus for the First Church of Jesus Christ, Diesel.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so you're probably thinking yesterday's tea bagger attack on Washington was the day's big news. We can understand that what with the chants of Keep the government out of my Medicare, the attempts to say the Pledge of Allegiance and the confusion of the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence and all.

The informed electorate acting in concert to speak truth to power. The American Way.

The Auschwitz thing was a nice touch too.

So we can understand if you missed the real story of the day: The million overlord march on Madison.

Employees of Kenosha's Dairyland Greyhound Park are doing what they can to save the dog racing track from shutting down. In fact, they walked the halls of the state capitol in a rally of support for the facility. "And a bathroom," said one protester. "I really needed to find a bathroom."

Actually the impact of the event was somewhat blunted by the fact that about a half hour into the protest the overlords were told they were actually walking the halls of the Dane county courthouse directly across the street from the State Capitol Building. "Nobody told us Madison was the county seat as well as the state capitol." said one protester. "Can they do that?"

Just another level of government bureaucracy, Mr. overlord protester, sir. We're sure Obama is behind this somehow. The good news is the legislature isn't going to do you that much good anyway. You've got to go to the people with the power--the racing commission--just like the overlords in Massachusetts did.

A year to the day after Massachusetts voters approved a ban on dog racing by passing ballot Question 3, the Raynham dog track went before the state Racing Commission at Raynham Town Hall seeking a permit to run 269 races in 2010. "We're hoping they haven't been reading the papers," said one hopeful track representative. "Maybe they don't know about the vote yet."

After an abbreviated discussion, the board voted 2-1 to reject the application, citing incomplete paperwork and an unwillingness to go against the Jan. 1 law against greyhound racing.

D'oh! Another overlord strategy foiled by people who can read.

But what's this about incomplete paperwork? You'd think with their free ride on the backs of innocent animals on the line they could at least fill out the forms right. What's up with that?

Application fees totaling $3,600 and $250,000 in surety bonds, along with the track’s financial statements were left out of the application.

Well, in our defense we really don't have financial statements, being broke and all," Raynham Park General Manager Gary Temple said. The track’s filing was intentionally unfinished in order to save money “and hope something comes out of the courts.”

Let's see if we've got this. The strategy is to waste the racing commission's time while looking for a judge who was dropped on his head as a child. Multiple times. Does that about sum it up?

Despite a warning that the application would be denied, the racing commission allowed proponents and opponents to debate the request for holding races in 2010. "Nothing good on the tee vee that night," said one commissioner who asked not to be identified.

Temple said the effort was a final attempt to save the 300 remaining track employees, “the people that have worked seven days a week, every day of the year, to make our business operate.” When asked why employees weren't allowed time off, Temple replied "Who do you think we are, Wal-Mart?"

Track owner George Carney attended the meeting but chose to lock himself in the bathroom and refuse to come out and have Temple and his public relations people talk with the media. "Hope he took a sandwich in with him," one reporter said.

Well, there is a window in there and if he has his cell he can call for take out, right Braden?

Braden is very friendly and very curious, and he craves lots of attention. He likes to smell everything over and over again. He is affectionate. He will approach for pets and lean against his foster family. He is starting to play with toys and he loves to play with the family dog. When he is sleeping, he breathes out through his mouth and his lips slap together like a horse. Braden is a three-year old puppy. He gets very bouncy and excited when he sees the leash come out, but will ‘get back’ and settle down when asked to. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Braden would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Republicans! Motto: We Even Say "No" To Our Own Candidates

Hey what? Today is election day. You mean Obama is allowing another election? What kind of socialist, fascist, Muslim terrorist, left handed move is that?

Well, we have to assume that this totally caught the republicans off guard, assuming as they probably did that they would be in re-education camps by now, or brought before death panels staffed by atheist pro-abortion ACORN workers.

Brilliant Comrade. Your alien masters in Kenya will be most pleased. Let's see what sort of mischief you've perpetrated.
Republican Dede Scozzafava has suspended her bid in the NY 23 special election, a huge development that dramatically shakes up the race. She did not endorse either of her two opponents -- Conservative party candidate Doug Hoffman or Democrat Bill Owens.
Bwaaahahahaha! Fly my pretty, fly! The evil witch of the West Wing is upon you.

OK, warlock of the West Wing. Got a little carried away there. Still, losing their candidate couldn't have set well with the republican leadership back in Mordor.
Some of the most prominent names in national Republican Party politics are lining up against the GOP nominee in a key upstate New York House special election, the latest being former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum. In endorsing Conservative Party nominee Doug Hoffman in the Nov. 3 contest, Santorum joined former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann, former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, and former presidential candidate Steve Forbes, all of whom announced their backing for the conservative third-party candidate this week. Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty suggested that he might be the next well-known Republican to break with the party establishment and support Hoffman.
Oh cry us a river republican overlords, just...wait a minute...what? The republican party isn't supporting the republican candidate?

Oh, comrade, Imam Obama, you have truly. messed. these. dudes. up. All their base are belong to you. Republicans, take off every ZIG!!
Scozzafava can point to many other prominent conservatives who support her bid—including former House Speaker Newt Gingrich
Oh. Darn. Got a little crazy there ourselves we guess. Well, leave it to the Newtster to bring sanity back to the process. Too bad Chairman O. Try again if you dare. Newt's republican mojo cannot be defeated.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who came under fire from some conservatives for endorsing Dede Scozzafava in next week's special Congressional election in New York, is now backing Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman.
BWAHAHAHAHA!! You have no chance to survive make your time.