Thursday, August 31, 2006

Hi, I'm Don Rumsfeld...And You're Not

Now, we didn't set out to make this Don Rumsfeld week, but holy jumping Jehosaphat and a popsickle stick, the guy has been all over the news, even edging out John Mark Karr, so you know he's hotter than James (Motto: If you ain't hatin' the gay, you ain't lovin' the Lord) Dobson's collar when he heard about California 's anti-discrimination law. So what's shaking Donny boy?

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld tried to change the subject from his own incompetence in a speech recalling the world leaders who sought to appease Nazi Germany in the 1930s. "Hitler was the head of a country with an huge army, navy and air force," Rumsfeld said. "Osama Bin Laden lives in a cave and has a few thousand guys with guns scattered around the world. Can you see the parallels, or do I have to draw you a picture?"

Rumsfeld said it was important to note that "any kind of moral or intellectual questioning about who and what is right or wrong can weaken the ability of this administration to persevere in any long war. And we have a couple of long wars planned, so let's forget all this hand wringing over the Constitution and get on with winning the war on, winning the war on terror."

In a speech heavy on condemnation of news coverage of the war, Rumsfeld told the American Legion that insurgents and terrorists are waging a campaign to demoralize the American public. "Bombs going off every day, people dying by the hundreds, children being permanently scarred, clueless administration officials, why do we need to hear about that? Who's watching out for poor JonBenet? Isn't there a white women somewhere who has gone missing?"

Rumsfeld specifically condemned two news organizations, CNN and Newsweek magazine, for comments by some of their senior officials about the U.S. military. "The fact that I sent the troops over there ill equipped, undermanned and without a clear mission or plan is no reason to call the war a failure."

Rumsfeld's comments come as members of the Bush administration, ahead of November elections to determine control of the U.S. Congress, connect the Iraq war to the broader fight against terrorism. "Yes, we were wrong about the WMD's, the place is worse off now than it was under Saddam, there never was a link to 9/11, and we've emboldened Iran, making us all less safe and ensuring hatred of America for decades to come," the secretary told reporters. "And you expect me to believe that's all it takes for people to believe the war is a failure?"

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And Now For Something Completely Different

We'd like to take a moment out here on the one year anniversary of Katrina to note a passage from an AP story written as part of the coverage of Bush's trip to the area:

Only half of New Orleans has electricity. Half its hospitals are closed. Violent crime is up. Less than half the population has returned. Tens of thousands of families still live in trailers and mobile homes with no real timetable for moving to more permanent housing. Insurance settlements are mired in red tape. The city still has no master rebuilding plan. And while much debris has been cleared, some remains as if the clock stopped when the storm struck.
Mr. Bush, America is not a third world nation, despite your efforts to make us one.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld...When Wrecking One Country Just Isn't Enough

Sometimes we think this blog would not exist were it not for Don Rumsfeld. Then we think we might not exist because of Don Rumsfeld. But then we realize Don Rumsfeld is only one bulb in the blinking string of brilliance that is the Bush administration and we figure what's the use of worrying, it's not like any of them feel a particular sense of regard or responsibility for the reality in which the rest of us live out our meager existences.

Anyway, since we turned the wheel of the great ship Ironicus over to Mr. Rumsfeld yesterday we felt we couldn't let him off the hook without a bit of a retrospective. OK, retrospective isn't the right word because every time we look back on his career our bowels loosen, so let's look at what he's done recently.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned potential adversaries on Monday that the United States remained capable of responding to military threats at home and abroad, despite its troop commitments in Iraq and Afghanistan. "I got troops in Alaska, the secretary said. "And I"m not afraid to use them. Again."

"It would be unfortunate if other countries thought that because we have 136,000 troops bogged down in Iraq today, because two thirds of the nation thinks I'm a blithering idiot, becauseI haven't made a single right decision since I got pineapple on only half of that pizza, that we're not capable of defending our country or doing anything that we might need to do," he said.

When asked why he hadn't included the over 10,000 troops in Afghanistan Rumsfeld said, "Shoot. I forgot about them. OK maybe some countries can wonder if we are capable of defending ourselves. But not Iran. Nuh Uh. We're not afraid of you Ahmadinejad. No way. I'm not just blowing smoke either. I mean it. You don't scare us. Not even a little."

Rumsfeld said the U.S. military has shown its ability to respond to new missions. He noted the military's role in responding to natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina last year. Later a spokesman from his office clarified he remarks. "Bad example. How about parades? We provide a lot of military representatives for parades around the nation. And funerals. We always get a military presence to funerals. It's our way of supporting the troops."

Rumsfeld said there was no doubt the United States could win militarily in Iraq if it stayed the course. "The important question is not whether we can win. Of course we can win. We won't lose a single battle," he said. "Now, of course we might come in second in some of the battles, but that's not really like losing, that's just being the alternate winner."

When asked by reporters if thinking about war in terms of battles didn't indicate that he really didn't understand the concept of fourth generation war, the Secretary said, "Well, we could be in Iraq that long, but so what? Are you, one of those whiners from Alaska?"

Monday, August 28, 2006

Don Rumsfeld...Blogging The Apocalypse

It's kind of busy around here today and we're feeling a touch on the lazy side as well, so we're going to let Don Rumsfeld guest blog for us.

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld praised the work of an Army brigade whose one-year tour in Iraq was extended just as they prepared to return home and said he saw no reason for the soldiers or their families to be angry at him.

Yes, he really said that. We couldn't have made that up if we tried.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, well well. It looks like the overlords are beginning to get the message that greyhound to put this

Southland Greyhound Park is changing its name, and its look. It will now be known simply as Southland Park. The track's president, Barry Baldwin, says. "To be frank, we're trying to attract a different clientele. One that has all their teeth."

The track has been less successful financially since it's heyday in the late 80s, and Baldwin says the goal of the renovation is to get the park back on track. "Look, we just want to attract a few rubes and fleece them, that's all. The dogs weren't getting the job done for us. Well, that and no one is going to retire off of two dollar bets."

Hmmm...perhaps Mr. Baldwin should speak to these guys.

Greyhound industry participants and supporters are scheduled to meet on Sunday to explore the possibility of having racing returned to the Showgrounds track, closed down in 2000 by the GRA because of financial problems. Concerns over funding the re-introduction of greyhound racing to Toowoomba have been aired by the Greyhound Racing Authority (GRA). "How many times do these guys have to go belly up before they get the picture? Asked GRA general manager Darren Beavis.

"Hey, you think we want to live like this, responded meeting organizer Mark Saal. "I got a third grade education, and that was after three tries. There aren't too many other opportunities open to me."

He has a point. Wait, aren't there Wal Marts in Australia, Tamale?

She’s Hot a.k.a. Tamale is very shy and fearful around people. She is quiet, gentle and well-mannered. She spends a lot of time in her crate, which is her safe area. She likes to chew on rawhide chips and has picked up a toy and taken it to her crate. She will play bow and wag her tail and bark a little when it is dinner time. Tamale needs a quite, patient home that will give her time to blossom. She would do best in a home with another dog to show her that things are okay. Since she is so shy, she would do best in a home that only has older children, ages 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Whew! Thanks John. We Were Worried There For a Minute

Personally we blame Howard Dean, the Democrats and anyone who doesn't support Joe Lieberman. Well, them and the mindless lapdog press that endlessly parrot the liberal, terrorist coddling party line against the president's freedom agenda.So it's about time someone wasn't afraid to tell it like it is.The top U.S. general in the Middle East on Thursday praised a major U.S.-led security clampdown in Baghdad, saying it has brought "great progress" and said that Iraq was far from civil war.

General John Abizaid spoke to reporters in Baghdad on a day when three car bombs and two roadside bombs were reported in the capital, wounding 24 people. "No worse than Compton on a summer weekend," the General said.

Abizaid, who met General John Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, said comments he made earlier this month before the U.S. Senate in which he said the sectarian violence in Iraq was the worst he had seen had been misrepresented. "When I said 'worst' what I meant was things are going great. No need to send over any more reporters." Vice president Cheney, who was standing behind General Abizaid on the podium with his hand in his pocket, nodded approvingly. Later an aide to the General said the vice president had invited him hunting.

The U.S. military has sent reinforcements to Baghdad to help the government take back the streets from sectarian militias and death squads, blamed for killing thousands. It has boosted the number of its troops in the country from 127,000 to 135,000 as part of the clampdown. "We'll be home by Christmas," Abiziad said. "It's just a little mop up, that's all. Last throes stuff, you know."

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Guy Wanted To Sing The Star Spangled Banner In Spanish. Isn't That A Deportable Offense?

We thought Pat Buchanan (Motto: America for Americans) would favor us with some of his reasoned discourse on the current immigration debate sooner or later. After all, having been a leading spokesperson for compassionate conservatism, and a member of the big tent party, he is the natural go to guy if one is looking for objective analysis and rational policy propositions. Well, for those of you who are of European descent that is. White European descent.

But even intellectual bright lights like Mr. Buchanan can be overtaken by events, particularly when we have a government as flexible and attuned to world events as ours is. Apologies to Mr. Buchanan, but it is no longer enough to keep brown people from becoming citizens, we now take brown citizens and throw them out.

Duarnis Perez became an American citizen when he was 15, but he didn't find out until after he had been deported and then jailed for trying to get back into the country. "Well, with a name like 'Perez' no one thought to ask him," said an Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokesperson. "Hey, mistakes happen. What are we, the Department of Homeland Security? OK, bad example."

He was facing his second deportation hearing when he learned he was already a U.S. citizen. Still, federal prosecutors fought to keep him in custody. "The guy was obviously up to something," said an aide to the chief prosecutor. "Why'd we kick him out in the first place? Because he was an illegal alien, that's why....Wait...OK, let me get back to you on that."

"In effect, the government is arguing that an innocent man who was wrongly convicted should not be released from the custody of the United States," U.S. District Judge Lawrence Kahn wrote. "Makes sense to me," said a spokesperson for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

It was not clear why Perez's status wasn't discovered when he first faced deportation. Messages left over three days seeking comment on the case from Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Washington were not returned. "Legal, illegal, there's so many Hispanics coming through here we can't keep them all straight," said an unnamed source in the ICE office. "Have you read Buchanan's book? If we can knock a couple off the voting roles here and there, then that's a score for the white guy."

A spokesman for the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services said the government has no practical way to inform people of their citizenship in such cases because of the complexities involved. "Hey, this is the Citizenship and Immigration Service," said Chris Bently. "If you don't know you're a citizen, how the heck would we know?"

Assistant U.S. Attorney Sara Lord, who prosecuted Perez, argued Perez was at fault for not knowing his status. "We really get tired of all these people expecting the government to know stuff," she said. "What are we, the NSA?"

Estelle McKee with the University of Wisconsin Law School said the responsibility is shared. "The immigration service has to prove someone is removable. It's their job," she said. "It's remarkable to go through an entire removal process and not know the person is a citizen. Wait a minute. This is the Bush administration. Forget I said that. The guy's lucky he's not in Gitmo."

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Wait. You Mean I Have To Obey The Laws I Pass?

Quick historical quiz. Who said America is a nation of laws, not of men?
A. Thomas Jefferson
B. James Madison
C. John McCain
D. Where'd you ever get an idea like that?

OK, we don't know either, but it can't be C because THE MAVERICK John McCain is being all MAVERICKY again nor can it be D because, well, we really don't need to go into that, do we? But let's get back to Senator McCain (Did we mention he's a MAVERICK?)

A Democratic Senate group says an invitation to a South Carolina state candidate's fundraiser featuring U.S. Senator. John McCain, R-MAVERICK, violates the campaign law McCain helped write. "Look, the Senator is pretty busy passing the laws," an aide told reporters, "He doesn't have time to read them. He's a MAVERICK you know."

McCain-Feingold imposed new, strict restrictions on indirect campaign donations, known as soft money. "Well, yeah," said a spokesperson for the Republican National Committee. "But they didn't mean those rules should apply to them, just the Democrats. Besides, don't you know McCain is a MAVERICK?"

Thursday's fundraiser was for South Carolina's elected Adjutant General Stan Spears, who commands the S.C. National Guard. Spears backed President Bush in 2000, and would be a key supporter if McCain runs for president again in 2008. When asked why Spears would support McCain now when he had supported Bush before, a McCain aide said the Spears had "gotten sober" in the intervening years.

Democrats have criticized McCain for violating his campaign finance law before. For example, Democrats filed a complaint with federal regulators after a March fundraiser with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, arguing McCain violated federal law by appearing at the event, which asked for checks well above federal limits. McCain apologized for the oversight saying he wasn't aware of the California limits. "Arnold told me just a million bucks more and it's hasta la vista, baby," McCain told reporters. "So I stuck around. But I never told him I'll be back."

Monday, August 21, 2006

But What If We Just Made Estee Lauder Take A Loyalty Oath?

OK, now we're scared. The terrorists have us surrounded. First they take away our shoes, then our water and now our cosmetics. We're thirsty, we can't run fast and we lack moisturizer. If western civilization is going to collapse at least let us get rid of our laugh lines first.

A terminal at the Tri-State Airport was evacuated after two containers in a female passenger's bag tested positive for liquid explosives, a Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said, but the 2 bottles thought to be explosives were cosmetics. "We asked her what was in the bag and she said 'eau de toilette.' We thought she said she was going to blow the toilet."

The first alarm was set off at 9:15 a.m., when security personnel at a checkpoint ran an explosive trace detection test on a water bottle being carried by a passenger That test came back positive. A canine team subsequently was called in to check the bottle and it, too, indicated a possible explosive. "Turns out she had a ham sandwich in the bag too, and that's what the dogs were smelling," A TSA spokesperson told reporters.

When asked if it was possible the detection equipment had malfunctioned, an airport supervisor, speaking on condition of anonymity said, "Heck, none of this stuff works. We're just trying to keep the flying public from panicking."

Commercial airline service was suspended at least until 5 p.m., and about 100 passengers and airport employees were ordered to leave the terminal. "Why no, we don't think it was an over reaction," US Airways spokeswoman Valerie Wunder said. "You got a brown women carrying bottles with French writing on them. Do I have to draw you a picture?"

Airport manager Larry Salyers said he was told the 28-year-old woman was originally from Pakistan but had moved to Huntington, West Virginia, from Jackson, Michigan. "I was suspicious of her right away because Bill O'Reilly said Muslim women can't wear make up." he said.

Salyers said the bottles were moved by robot to a remote area of the airport where officials would detonate them. Later he confirmed that the bottles had not been detonated after an expert from the cosmetics counter of the local Target had been called in.

The woman was detained for questioning by the FBI and both the TSA and FBI were on-site conducting interviews. "It looks like it was just a big mixup," said one FBI agent. We got it straightened out once we found someone who could read French."

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Boy Howdy, them overlord folks sure keep a close eye on what's going on in the industry. It's 'cause they worry so much about the welfare of the Don't believe it? Look here.

A greyhound trainer in Launceston, northern Tasmania, has been warned off all racetracks in Australia for five years. Arthur Reid of Invermay had pleaded guilty to conduct detrimental to the image of the sport in Tasmania, and to using an assumed name. Oh yeah baby. Let's get us some detrimental conduct up in here. And calling yourself KrayZ 4 DalayDeez? Nuh unh. Not when you look like this.

So all you dog huggers out there need to chill. The overlords got all da skillz to...wait...what's that? Oh, in Oregon? Well, was someone using a fake name? No? What do you want from us then?

Excuse me? How many dogs? Six? Come on, we lose more than that just moving from track to track.

Oh, so now you're gonna get all up in our grill sayin' "We needs us some o' that regulation. Somebody needs to be Ree Sponsible."

Come on man, let's get real. Everybody knows the reason we let the dogs run is so we can stay out of the unemployment line, so when they can't keep us off welfare, what else can they do?

OK, well there is that, but how many times can a greyhound save someone's life before that just gets old, you know?

How many times? Don't know, but what say we find out, huh Betta?

Betta is laid back and easygoing. He is friendly and affectionate. He will approach for pets, nuzzle and will lean against you for attention. He likes to lean against you while on the walk, and will push you in circle if you let him. He has occasional playful bursts and will grab the squeaky toys and run around for a few minutes. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Oh, And Try Not To Panhandle In Front Of The City Club. The CEO Goes There for Lunch

We've written on several occasions about the heartwarming relationship that exists between greyhounds and their overlords. The care that goes into the birth, training, and support of the racers by the industry is truly a tale worthy of a Hallmark Hall of Fame Special. Well, except for the ones who are abandoned, or sold for medical experiments, or killed out right, or left to die slowly.

But it wasn't until we read this that we realized that it isn't only greyhounds who thrive and prosper under the benevolent gaze of their overlords.

Imagine that you expect to be laid off next month and you're fretting about how you'll make ends meet. Then your employer hands you a list of money-saving tips like pulling items out of the trash and taking shorter showers.That was the case at Northwest Airlines. "We really had a debate about that shorter shower thing," said a company spokesperson, "But then we realized, hey, they're laid off. What do we care how much they smell."

The tips comprised two pages of a 165-page booklet given to 60 ground workers who face layoffs in Bismarck, N.D.; Bozeman, Montana; and Austin, Texas. "It was a pilot program," Northwest's senior vice president of ground operations Crystal Knotek said. "Hey. I made a funny. 'Pilot program, get it? We're an airline. No wonder I'm vice president. Well, that and the president's my uncle."

The following tips were posted on the company's employee Web site early last week:

(We are not making this up--Ironicus)

• Don't be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash.

• Move to a less expensive place to live.

• Ask your doctor for samples of prescriptions.

• Use old newspapers for cat litter.

• Buy spare parts for your car at the junkyard.

• Search the Internet for freebies.

• Never go grocery (shopping) hungry.

• Take a date for a walk along the beach or in the woods.

"Well, the 'take a date for a walk' thing didn't go over so well with our married employees," said NWA spokesman Roman Blahoski. "But we were figuring that losing your job usually wrecks your marriage anyway. We're just trying to do what's best for our employees."

The information was removed from the company's internal site about a week after it was posted."Regrettably, this list, which included some insensitive material, was inadvertently published without being reviewed by Northwest management," the company said in a statement. "Had management reviewed it, we would have never published it in the first place because, heck, we've still got our jobs."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Uncle Sam Wants You. Don't Make Him Come And Get You

OK, so we're bouncing around the internets yesterday, doing things like typing "aureole" into Google just to see what happens (the boss is on vacation) and we ran across this. Our first thoughts were, did we miss something? Has the war turned the corner? Are the insurgents in the last throes? Did Kos send a memo we didn't see?

Intrigued, but mostly frightened that we had run afoul of The Kos (Hey, look what happened to Lieberman's site. Do we need to draw you a picture?) we began looking for an explanation. Well, it wasn't long before we were able to break out the Stoli and get back to typing naked Monica Bellucci into Google again. Actually we could have probably figured it out ourselves if we'd just thought about it for a minute. Well, if we'd thought about it for a minute before the afternoon Stoli break. After all, what do you do when even the bottom half of the recruitment pool has figured out being shipped off to a desert and blown up probably isn't a good career move? Cheat. And cheat big.

The number of alleged and substantiated violations by U.S. military recruiters increased by more than 50 percent in one year, a rise that may reflect growing pressure to meet wartime recruiting goals, according to a Government Accountability Office report. "'Violation' is such a strong word," said Michael L. Dominguez, principal deputy undersecretary of defense for personnel and readiness. "Just because the kid had been up thirty-six hours straight when he signed the enlistment papers, is that our fault? Well, OK maybe it was, but it's not like we beat him or anything. Well, not that kid anyway."

According to service data provided to the GAO, substantiated cases of wrongdoing jumped from about 400 cases in 2004 to almost 630 in 2005. Meanwhile, criminal cases — such as sexual harassment or falsifying medical records — more than doubled in those years, jumping from 30 incidents to 70. "Hey, we didn't know the kid was deaf," said a Department of Defense spokesperson. "We just thought the didn't pay attention very well. And as for that other case, well, anyone can say they're blind."

In a letter to the GAO included in the report, the Defense Department said it agreed the services must establish an internal system to track reports of recruiter wrongdoing. "We certainly agree with the GAO statement that even one incident of recruiter wrongdoing can erode public confidence in DOD's recruiting process," wrote Michael Dominguez. "But so what? Can you name me one branch of government the public has confidence in? Why should we be singled out for competence or ethics?"

A majority of recruiters also reported dissatisfaction with their jobs. "Where do you think I learned the tricks I'm using now," said one recruiter who asked to remain anonymous. "You think anyone with any marketable skills at all would want to be a recruiter these days?"

GAO previously has suggested that the military link incentives for recruiters more closely to an applicant's ability to complete basic training, rather than to their willingness to sign up. "We sort of called it No Recruit Left Behind," said spokespersonon for the GAO. "But the Pentagon told us they didn't like it because 'accountability was for civilians.'"

GAO warned that reports of recruiter misconduct are likely too low because the services do not track such cases and many incidents likely go unreported. The Defense Department, GAO found, is not "in a sound position to assure the general public that it knows the full extent to which recruiter irregularities are occurring."

"Thank god for that," said Dominguez. "You think our numbers are bad now..."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Look, You Lost. Take My Word For It OK? I'm The President

We're as happy as everyone else that the Israelis and Hezbollah have decided to stop blowing up civilians, and we understand that the whole point of having a war is to win and stand on the ashes of your enemy beating your chest and howling at the moon. Or restore peace. One of those.

Anyway we're having a little trouble completing our scorecard on this one. President Bush said Israel defeated Hezbollah's guerrillas in the month long Mideast war and that the Islamic militants were to blame for the deaths of hundreds of Lebanese civilians. "We kicked us some A Rab butt," Bush told a gathering of religious leaders in the Rose Garden. "I mean, the Israelis were able to drive the terrorists from a dangerous area of south Lebanon and thus restore peace to the region. Well, except for the parts that are still fighting that is."

Hezbollah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah said his guerrillas had achieved a strategic victory over Israel and that it was the wrong time to talk about disarming the group. "Yeah, you'd really like us to give up our weapons, huh Olmert? Then you'd have more than bupkis to show for all the bombs you dropped on the villages. Nice try, but no deal."

"Hezbollah attacked Israel. Hezbollah started the crisis, and Hezbollah suffered a defeat in this crisis," the president said. "They should quit shooting rockets into Israel and just accept that."

When asked about the Palestinians and the original Israeli soldier they captured that provoked an Israeli invasion of Gaza, the president replied "Who?"

Hezbollah has reserved the right to attack Israeli troops still in south Lebanon. "Cease fire? Yeah, we'll cease fire." Nasrallah said. "As soon as we kick your bagel eating butts back across the border. Wrap that up in a knish and send it to your momma Condo Lisa, or whatever your name is."

The United States backed Israel in the war, and Bush made clear he was determined to help the Israelis in the post-fighting struggle of words about who wound up on top. "I'm the president of the world's only remaining super power, so I'm like the referee for wars between smaller countries, and I say this one goes to the boys in the yarmulkes. Don't even have to look at the instant replay."

"Bush is about as good of a referee as he is a president, which is to say he sucks rocks." Nasrallah said. "We are before a strategic and historic victory, without any exaggeration, we emerged from the battle with our heads high, and our enemy is the one who is defeated."

Bush said Hezbollah lost, though Israel didn't knock out the guerrillas. "It's a TKO that's for sure, but Israel was way ahead on points anyway."

"Right. Bush has a strong grip on reality. He thinks he's winning in Iraq. Case closed." the Shi'ite cleric said. "I call on the people, the resistance lovers and supporters to pass over what they have heard,"

"Hezbollah, of course, has got a fantastic propaganda machine, and they're claiming victories," Bush said. "But how can you claim victory when, at one time, you were a state within a state, safe within southern Lebanon, and now you're going to be replaced by a Lebanese army and an international force?"

"Umm...maybe because nothing has changed except the insignia on the side of the jeeps that drive around ignoring us?" Nasrallah said.

"We certainly hope the cease-fire holds because it is step one of making sure that Lebanon's democracy is strengthened," Bush said. "Plus Israel really can't take too many more 'victories' like this one."

Nasrallah said Hezbollah would immediately start repairing bomb-damaged homes and would pay a year's rent and other costs to help the owners of about 15,000 destroyed houses.

"See, there's that propaganda again," the president said. "Going around fixing people's homes and helping them rebuild their lives after the Israelis bombed the crap out of them isn't going to win him many friends in the region. Face it Nasrallah, we killed more Lebanese civilians than you killed Israeli civilians. You lose on points rag head."

"Oh, you think this is over frat boy?" the cleric responded. "Better tell your Israeli overlords to start sleeping in their kevlar pajamas."

"Bring it on falafel face. My god will kick your god's butt."

"Will not."

"Will to."'s good to know our future will be determined in the cool light of reason and measured discourse. If you need us, we'll be hiding in the closet.

Monday, August 14, 2006

They Ain't Fossils Until Inspector 12 Says They're Fossils

OK, so the Intelligent Design folks didn't do so well in the Dover Case. As the presiding judge in the case said, "The only apparent difference between the argument made by [18th century theologian and creationist William] Paley and the argument for ID, as expressed by defense expert witness [Michael] Behe and [Scott] Minnich, is that ID’s “official position” does not acknowledge that the designer is God. .... Although proponents of [Intelligent Design] occasionally suggest that the designer could be a space alien or a time-traveling cell biologist, no serious alternative to God as the designer has been proposed."

Well, personally we'd go with the flying spaghetti monster, but that's just us. Anyway, the point is, for folks whose view of the cosmos is stuck in the 18th century, the 21st century hasn't so far, been very friendly. Can we get a Yea and Verily?

So what are God fearing, undereducated biblical literalists to do when they find that the law actually expects them to provide evidence to support their claims? Well, if you can't litigate evolution away, just hide it.

Powerful evangelical churches are pressing Kenya's national museum to sideline its world-famous collection of hominid bones pointing to man's evolution from ape to human. "We feel that providing scientific evidence that supports the theory of evolution sends the wrong message to young people today," said Bishop Bonifes Adoyo, the head of Christ is the Answer Ministries. "Just look where science has gotten us. Diseases being cured with drugs, water being purified, milk being pastuerized, women voting. How long are we going to go down this road before we realize the error of our ways?"

The museum also holds bones from several specimens of Australopithecus anamensis, believed to be the first hominid to walk upright, four million years ago. Together the artifacts amount to the clearest record yet discovered of the origins of Homo sapiens. "Well, that's only if you believe in all that science mumbo jumbo," Adoyo said.

The National Museums of Kenya, which manages the country's cultural sites, is conducting a survey to determine what visitors to its Nairobi headquarters most want to see. Church leaders aim to hijack that process. "We asked ourselves, What would Jesus do?" Adoyo said, "And the answer was clearly to confuse public opinion and bend it to our agenda."

"Our doctrine is not that we evolved from apes, but were barfed into existencence, and we have grave concerns that the museum wants to enhance the prominence of something presented as fact which is supported with evidence and generally held to reflect reality. Bumba forgive them."

Dr Leakey said the churches' plans were "the most outrageous comments I have heard in the last twenty years, but that's only because I stopped watching the 700 Club a long time ago."

The museum said it was in a "tricky situation" as it tried to redesign its exhibition space to accommodate the expectations of all its visitors. "But things can get tricky when you have religious idiots on one side, and intellectuals, scientists or researchers on the other."

Friday, August 11, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

You have to hand it to the overlords. In their never ending quest to avoid getting real jobs they are constantly on the look out for opportunities to take advantage of the general populace. That's why, in May of last year the opening of a new race track in Juarez, Mexico was greeted with such fanfare. "Think of all the drunken college kids wandering around with good old Yankee greenbacks in their pockets," said American Greyhound Council Communications Coordinator Gary Guccione. "Impaired thinking ability and ready cash. Does it get any better than that?"

Well, apparently there isn't enough tequila in Juarez to convince people to go to the track because a little over a year after it opened, the track went out of business. While the track was open, Guccione had expressed the overlords' concern for the welfare of the, saying "We feel that Juarez management has not shown the long-term, consistent commitment to greyhound welfare, although that won't stop us from shipping dogs down there to try and squeeze an extra peso or two out of them once they're no longer competitive in the US."

Apparently, the "management" at the track wasn't the only group Guccione should have been concerned about because when the track went out of business 66 dogs were out of a home and abandoned to deplorable conditions. "We can't force the owners to take back the units if they're no longer profitable," Guccione said, "because...well...I don't know why we couldn't. We're the industry governing body. We issue registrations and oversee things. I'll get back to you on that."

Later, Guccione's office issued a clarification saying that he had misspoke himself when he said the Council was concerned with the welfare of the units. "What I meant to say is that we are concerned with the welfare of the owners," Guccione said. "Sorry for any confusion."

That's OK, we pretty much figured it out anyway, right Diamond?

Sure Do Shine AKA Diamond is very sweet, playful and friendly. Her tail wags all the time. She tries to get the family dogs to play. She is a little skittish around sudden movements, but she is getting more comfortable and she loves people. She has an independent side, and can be found lounging on her dog bed away from the family from time to time. She really likes her ReGAP blanket and will carry it to her different beds. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

144,000 People Were Wrong. It Could Happen

OK, yesterday we learned that Democrats plan to take back the congress by Today we learn that the Republicans think that Democrats being elected is good for them.

It used to take most of a bottle of Stoli to alter our reality that much.

Republicans began a concerted effort to use Mr. Lieberman’s defeat to portray Democrats as weak on national defense, reprising a theme that they made central to the last two national campaigns. "When the democratic voters in Connecticut elected a Democratic candidate, they sent a clear message to the terrorists," said Ken Mehlman, the chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“It’s an unfortunate development, I think, from the standpoint of the Democratic Party, to see a man like Lieberman pushed aside because of his willingness to support an endless war that will bankrupt the country and mortgage the future of several generations yet to come,while enriching my already rich friends at Halliburton," Mr. Cheney said in a telephone interview.

Mr. Lieberman dismissed the significance of the supportive words from the vice president. "Don't read too much into that," Lieberman told reporters. "The Republicans really don't like me. Especially Cheney. He invited me to go hunting with him. Twice."

Most Democrats said they would not pressure Mr. Lieberman to step aside for now, saying he was too angered by his loss to accept such counseling. "Well, angry may not be the right word," said Christopher Dodd, Connecticut’s other senator. "Deluded maybe, or clueless, baffled, mystified, lycanthropic, suffering from ignis fatuus, delerious, irrational, demented, unhinged, yeah, any one of those will do."

Additionally, the Republicans do not have a strong candidate who could take advantage of a fractured Democratic field. "I think everyone knows the best Republican in the field right now is Joe Lieberman," said Democratic national chairman, Howard Dean.

"What you are seeing is the beginning of the end of the Republicans, because a lot of this was a referendum on George Bush’s policies." Dean said. "And who better to represent those failed policies than Joe Lieberman, three term Democratic Senator from Connecticut."

Charles Schumer the head of the Democratic committee for the Senate agreed. “The perception was that he was too close to George Bush, especially with that whole kissy face thing going on. That still gives me the shudders.”

“That’s not my fault,”Lieberman said. “The Democratic party is not criticizing me for being totally out of touch with my constituency, well, with reality actually, they are criticizing democratic voters for the way they voted. Idiots. Why do I have to bother with them anyway? The president doesn't.”

Yeah. Where do democratic voters get off voting for a Democrat. What a bunch of turncoats.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

This Wouldn't Be A Problem If Students Just Quit Having Feelings

That sucking sound you hear is the collective gasp of school age children all around the country as the look at the calendar and realize that the time draws near when they will have to once again form up and march off to the halls of academe. And don't even think about not enjoying the intellectual stylings of your appointed instructional technicians you little ingrates. You know who you are.

A former Fulton County student who was expelled from high school for writing about a dream in which a student shoots a math teacher has failed to convince a federal court that the school system violated her right to free speech. "First of all, what's she doing dreaming in school," said Senior Judge Marvin Shoob. "And writing is for English class, not math class."

In his order, Shoob said the writings were "sufficiently disturbing" to support the school system's 10 day suspension of the honor student. "Having this girl express her frustration through writing sends all the wrong messages about what school is," Shoob said. "When she gets older she can deal with her problems by developing a drinking problem like the rest of us."

After her October 2003 expulsion attracted national attention, the Fulton County school system dropped the most serious disciplinary charge — that Rachel had threatened bodily harm against school personnel — and reduced the punishment from expulsion for the school year to a 10-day suspension. "Originally the principal wanted to have her locked up," said a school district spokesperson. "But then he realized that locking up the honor students would hurt the school's score on the state assessment test so he reduced the punishment."

Shoob found the system's disciplining of the student did not violate her right to free expression because school officials were justified in perceiving the story as a portent of possible future violence. "It's crystal clear to me that this honor student, who had never been in trouble before, who was a model student in every other way, was a time bomb just waiting to go off. Add to that the fact that almost all violence in the schools has been committed by boys and I can see why the school district didn't want to take a chance."

The student said she never meant any harm. "Rather than write a long treatise on the causes of my frustration in his class and try to understand why he made math so boring, I thought I'd just kill him off in a fantasy story. I got the idea from listening to the president explain his foreign policy." she said.

News about the incident attracted support for her from advocates of freedom of expression. At the school system's discipline tribunal hearing, Georgia's poet laureate, David Bottoms, was among those who testified on her behalf.
"As a poet, you don't know how refreshing it is to find a student who can write something besides a test essay these days."

Her suspension recalls George Orwell's "1984," Bottoms said, a novel in which people are prosecuted for thought crimes. "Except in this case it's just plain old thought that got the girl in trouble. Who among us hasn't thought about killing their math teacher at one time or another? I mean come on. They're math teachers for crying out loud."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Vote for Me Or I Lose My Damage Deposit

We don't usually do this, mainly because it's hard enough for us to concentrate long enough to write a 200 word blog entry, but we'd like to continue on the theme we introduced yesterday, namely Democrats taking back Congress. Today's entry: Joe Liberman.

Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman is fighting for survival against challenger Ned Lamont in a Democratic Senate primary. "OK, we know Lieberman isn't a registered Republican," said Democratic Leadership Council Chairman Governor Tom Vilsack. "But the Republicans keep dropping out, so Lieberman was as close as we could get."

Lieberman, a three-term senator and the Democratic vice presidential nominee just six years ago, scrambled to avoid a stunning defeat at the hands of a political unknown who has characterized the senator as a cheerleader for Bush and the war. "Well, if Lieberman is defeated, I don't know if I'd characterize it as 'stunning,'" said a Lieberman aide. "I mean, have you looked at his record lately?"

Lieberman says he will run as an independent if he loses the primary. "I'm the kind of guy that just can't take no for an answer," he told reporters.

The Connecticut race has attracted national attention for its emphasis on the war and Democratic anger at Bush. "I don't know what that's got to do with me," Lieberman said. When reminded of the infamous "Bush Kiss" he said, "Can I help it if the president's gay?"

Lieberman has fought back, emphasizing his Democratic credentials and calling himself a reliable opponent of Bush's domestic agenda. "I told the president right to his face that people deserve to have food, shelter and reliable medical care," Lieberman told a small crowd waiting for a bus outside a convenience store. "He said he'd look into it, and that's good enough for me."

Lamont has called Lieberman an enabler of Bush and a Bush "lapdog." Lieberman wrote a Wall Street Journal article last year headlined "Our Troops Must Stay" and warned Democrats about criticizing Bush on the war. "Well, you can't hold that against me," he said. "I was drunk when I wrote it."

If he wins the primary, Lieberman promised to take a new attitude back to Washington. "The next time the president wants me to come over and wash and lube his bicycle, I'll say no," he told reporters. "Well, unless he's really in a rush and needs it right away. I mean, the guy is the president and all. Plus he's got those big shoulders, and that cute way of walking with his arms all stiff. And all that bike riding has given him a pretty good set of legs, especially the thighs. Excuse me, I need a drink of water. "

Monday, August 07, 2006

So, You Gonna Run? That's A Big Ney Ga Tory

Ok, so we've been reading about how the democrats are all excited because they think they're going to take back Congress from the Republicans (and Joe Lieberman) but we thought it was because they planned to win elections. Turns out it's because the Republicans aren't going to run in the first place.

Now there's a campaign strategy.

U.S. Representative Bob Ney, under scrutiny in a corruption scandal involving convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, announced that he was abandoning his re-election campaign. "Tom DeLay said he could get me on at his lobbying firm, and I figured I've milked this gig for about all it was worth," Ney told reporters.

The Republican had earlier insisted he would not resign, even if indicted over his dealings with Abramoff. "I'd like to state once again for the record, that I do not know Jack," Ney insisted. "Ultimately this decision came down to my family. Or as we like to call ourselves, La Cosa Neystra."

Ney faced a tough challenge in November from Democrat Zack Space, a law director who had made the Justice Department's investigation into Ney a focus of his campaign. "Look, how can we expect to have a debate about the issues when all Space wants to talk about is how Bob is about to get arrested," said Ney spokeswoman Katie Harbath. "Like that's so unusual or something."

Federal prosecutors have described Ney in court documents as having received gifts, trips and other things of value from Abramoff and his associates. "Bob's a likeable guy," Harbath said. "People like to give him things. What's wrong with that? I mean besides the whole buying Congress thing."

"Bob Ney was forced out of this race by the reality of an electorate demanding change from the culture of corruption in Washington and a Congress that compulsively puts special interests first at every opportunity," said Tom Delay from his Texas campaign headquarters in Virginia. "I mean, it's a democratic witch hunt."

Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Has the world gone mad? Have we suddenly lost our sense of priorities? Do we suddenly care about something besides ourselves? Will I have to get a real job? That must be what the overlords are thinking this week because it turns out the citizenry is a wee bit upset with the quality of their care for the

The Florida State Attorney's Office refused to roll over in the animal cruelty case of two racing greyhound handlers, by amending the felony charges a judge found defective earlier this week. Prosecutors said they plan to refile the charges, which they say are based in part on "failure" by the handlers to get medical attention for the injured animals. "These idiots have combined have the IQ of a dog turd and yet they were given responsibility for care of the dogs." said a spokesperson from the Prosecutor's office. "We really should be going after the low lifes that put them in that position, but we have to start somewhere."

Elsewhere in overlord land:

Veterinarian James Mason has been found guilty and fined $5000 on seven charges at a judicial hearing by the sport. Two charges involved disposing of post- race urine samples - one from a dog he had tried to dope - while betting on other dogs. Vets are forbidden to bet on races at which they are on duty. Chair of the Investigating Committee Eddie Doherty said the corruption struck at the heart of greyhound racing's integrity. "I didn't know we were supposed to have integrity," Mason told reporters.

And that's not all:

Two greyhound trainers have been suspended after they were caught on camera taking their dogs to be slaughtered. Sid Fenwick and his daughter Gillian Young were captured handing over two greyhounds to David Smith. "Is that wrong?" asked Fenwick. "'Cause nobody told us it was wrong. They just said get rid of the trash."

"But I kill 'em quick," Smith added. "That makes it OK, doesn't it? What are you supposed to do with 'em. They can't make nobody no money anymore."

Hmmm...well, the overlords say it's not like greyhounds have anything else to offer besides helping with their trailer payments, huh Petie? What's that you say Petie? Hey, we can't print that in a family blog. Besides, the overlords can barely tie their shoes without written instructions, and that sounds like a fairly complex position, not to mention that it's probably illegal in several states.

Petie is a very calm, small boy. He is intelligent, curious and loves to explore his surroundings. He would make someone a wonderful walking companion. Petie is also a fun and loving greyhound. He will throw his toys up high in the air and jump to catch them. He does leaps and bounds while playing with toys. He would benefit from someone who would spend time everyday playing with him. He is a Velcro boy so he does shadow his family around. As most dogs he would benefit from an obedience class. Petie is looking for a fun family looking to have a nice companion and a dog who really likes to play. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

And In My Dreams It Rains Rose Petals. In My Dreams

Oh, yeah baby! We're Ironicus and we're on a ROAD TRIP! Well, technically we were on a road trip because we're back now, and as sharp eyed readers of this blog may have noticed, entries have been as scarce as mid-east peace plans the past few days. (Sorry we didn't call mom, but the bars were so lost your number...umm...there was no cell coverage where we were? Yeah. That's the ticket.)

And so we bid a fond adieu to the places we went, and the people we met. Even our romantic mode of conveyance has returned to the mundane means by which we transport ourselves to and from the place where our superiors are under the delusion that we are actually doing something for which we might ethically expect to be paid. Some people.

And speaking of some people, we see that Secretary of Defense Crusty McDizzy has deigned to come down off his perch and address the common mortals.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned on Thursday against pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq before the second coming, saying it would be seen as a victory by extremists who want to control the Middle East. "If we leave before Jesus controls that region of the middle east, then Allah will control that region of the middle east and Jesus won't," Rumsfeld told a Congressional Committee. "It's a pretty complicated scenario. I wouldn't expect you to understand."

When one Senator asked him if the goal wasn't to let the people who live in the region control themselves, Rumsfeld replied that "The US knows what's best for the people of the region, that's why they welcomed us as liberators."

Another Senator mentioned that with the death toll to American soldiers approaching 2600 and more than 40,000 civilian casualties the situation could hardly be called a welcome. Rumsfeld assured the committee that the party had "gotten just a little out of hand" and as soon as the Iraqi's were done celebrating things would get back to normal. "Shooting guns off and stuff is part of how they celebrate, he said. "Sort of like Kentucky."

The head of U.S. Central Command, Army General John Abizaid, played down prospects for reducing troop levels in Iraq this year because of violence in Baghdad. "But that doesn't me we aren't winning, because we are," he added. "You just don't hear about it from the main stream media because they keep getting shot before they can find a school we just painted, or a hospital we replaced the windows in. Just wait until we get the power back up to pre-war levels in Baghdad, then you'll see."

"Sectarian violence probably is as bad as I've seen it, in Baghdad in particular," he said. "If not stopped, it is possible that Iraq could move toward civil war." When asked if the situation in Iraq wasn't already indicative of a civil war Abizaid replied that he didn't think so "because Secretary Rumsfeld assured me that it wasn't. The man's clearly a genius."

The Pentagon last week agreed to add more than 3,000 troops to Iraq's capital, extending those soldiers' deployments. When asked how long he thought he could keep extending soldiers' deployments before it started to affect their morale, Rumsfeld replied that he was sure he could do it "until I'm out of office."

Marine Corps General Peter Pace, the top U.S. military officer, was asked by a senator if he would have seen the chance of civil war a year ago. He replied, "No sir. Of course the Secretary doesn't let us read the papers, or watch the news, so I"m probably not the best guy to ask."