Friday, February 29, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Part of the problem the overlords have in trying to convince people that their line of work is "fun for the whole family" and not the flagrant and heartless exploitation of innocent animals in a desperate attempt to keep from having to earn an honest living, is that most folks outside of the racing industry can read.

More dogs suffered serious injuries racing at the Dairyland Greyhound Park last year, compared with 2006, according to state records. They show 76 greyhounds broke their legs, an increase of 18.7 percent. The total number of injuries also increased to 462, up 19 percent. "Oh sure, it sounds bad when you get all mathematical and stuff," said Bill Apgar, the track's general manager.

Jenifer Barker, a state veterinarian who treats most of the injured dogs at Dairyland — which is the only remaining dog track in Wisconsin, said the condition of the track's surface and deterioration of the greyhound industry in general are reasons for the increased injuries. "That's just her opinion," Apgar responded. "The track looks fine to me. It's got dirt and stuff. What do you want from us?"

"This has been the case since the track was built in 1990," Susan Netboy, head of the Penn Valley, Calif.-based Greyhound Protection League, said Monday. "Eighteen years of high injury rates suggests structural defects that cannot be fixed with resurfacing and grooming. For all of these years, management has been unwilling to effectively address this underlying problem, and hundreds of greyhounds have paid the price."

Apgar dismissed Netboy's comments. "Their agenda to shut down the industry is well-documented," he said. "Just because dogs are injured and killed needlessly is no reason for her to get all hyper. I mean, after all, no one else is getting upset."

The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track is celebrating 50 years in business this weekend and while race lovers will crowd the track, protesters will form outside. "Oh," Apgar said. "Well maybe she isn't the only one upset then."

Yeah. Pesky protesters all out telling people stuff. Pretty soon it will be impossible for a man to make a buck by risking your life, right Chance?

Chance is very laid back and mellow. He is also affectionate and loving and will approach for pets. He is a happy boy who greets the family with a wagging tail. He is a greyhound “collector” and has collected dirty socks around the house! He likes to toss his toys up in the air to play by himself, but stops when he knows he’s being watched. When he’s excited he will chatter his teeth, like a dog’s version of a “purr.” Chance needs a family with someone home more often or with another dog in the home, as he does not like being left alone. He would do well with well mannered children, 12 and up. He would do best in a quiet environment. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

And He's Not So Happy With Your Fair Housing Laws Either

Now, here's a headline we never thought we'd see: Calif. Capitol chaplain says religious tolerance offends God.

If you think about it though, it makes sense. We mean, here's god, ruler of the universe, all powerful, omniscient, eternal, probably pretty good looking too in a deific sort of way. All he wants (and he is a he, so shut up) is unconditional subservience and unquestioning obedience from the creatures he made with his very own hands. Or maybe there was a kit, we're not sure.

Anyway, not too much to ask considering with a flick of his finger he could turn us all into locusts, or worse, democrats. But can he get it? Let the right Reverend Pastor Drollinger tell it:

An evangelical chaplain who leads Bible studies for California lawmakers says God is disgusted with a rival fellowship group that includes people of all faiths. "Although they are pleasant men in their personal demeanor, their group is more than disgusting to our Lord and Savior," Drollinger wrote on the Capitol Ministries' Web site.

See, here's what honks god off. It's a rival fellowship group. Does Walmart like K Mart? Does Microsoft like Apple? Does Leno like Letterman? You'd think that the guy who created the whole universe including the New York Yankees wouldn't have to worry about some B listers horning in on the worship thing. We got to tell you, the deity may be eternal, but his patience isn't.

Drollinger said "progressive religious tolerance" is an offense against God and causes harm to its practitioners. He said the other Bible study group was perpetrating a "deadly lie" by presenting Jesus as "a good moral teacher who loves everyone without distinction."

Right on Reverend Pastor. Tell it like it is. Jesus loves everybody? Where would anybody get an idea like that? Oh. Well yeah, but "the world" can mean a lot of different things. Look, the Red Sox are supposed to be "World" champions, but you know if they played the Cubans Fidel's boys would have them for lunch. And Miss World? Please. Have you ever been to the Hooters in Miami? Those girls will rock your world. W00t!

Where were we?

Senator Darrell Steinberg, a Sacramento Democrat who will serve as Senate president pro tem next year, said he found Drollinger's statements intolerant and troubling.

Hey, that's the whole point dude, intolerance. See, god's getting pretty intolerant of all these holy spirit wannabes cutting in on his worship time. How would you like it if you took time out of your day being the ultimate force in existence to create a universe or two and by way of payback people were saying, well maybe this god fellow over here has something worthwhile to say?

What kind of christian would you be then, huh mister president pro tem?

Steinberg is Jewish.

Exactly. Bring us home Reverend Pastor
Drollinger. Cast the scales from our eyes. Illuminate god's glorious plan and explain why your group is the one true and pleasing to god bible study group:

Drollinger has held Capitol Bible study for more than a decade. He is not paid by the state, but Capitol Ministries pays him $120,000 a year to minister to politicians across the country.

See. It's all about the souls, man. It's all about the souls.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why Yes, I Would Like To Tell You About The Weather On My Planet

Whether you agree with president Bush's policies or not, there's one thing everybody can agree on: Nice guys finish last, but stupid guys become isn't necessarily an improvement...wait...not that one...Leading the world's most powerful nation takes skill, talent and intelligence, but we elected Bush we mean to say is that we all can agree he's consistent. And while we're on the subject, if you do agree with president Bush's policies you're probably reading this as an orderly looks over your shoulder nervously glancing at his watch and wondering when your next Ziprasidone injection is.

But we digress.

Fresh from his triumphant tour of out of the way places in Africa where he finally found black people who might vote republican, if they spoke English, and if they were citizens, and if it weren't for the fact that they lived in Africa and had never heard of George Bush, our president has turned his considerable analytical skills on the upcoming presidential election.

Bet you never thought you'd see president Bush and considerable analytical skills in the same sentence, huh?

But we digress again.

President Bush predicted that voters will replace him with a Republican president who will "try to keep me out of jail. I'm confident we'll hold the White House in 2008," Bush told donors at the Republican Governors Association annual dinner. Several governors had to excuse themselves after coughing their beverages through their noses.

"And I don't want the next Republican president to be lonely," Bush said. "And that is why we got to take the House, retake the Senate, and make sure our states are governed by Republican governors. Plus I'm leaving Barney here when I move out." At that point a rumor went around the gathering that this was not president Bush at all, but Will Ferrall doing his comedy Bush impersonation.

He said Republicans still offer the bedrock positions that voters embrace: Sweetheart deals, pedophilia and mindless violence.

"When I say I'm confident, I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "And I understand the mentality of our candidates. And there's no question in my mind, one of those groups is completely, howl at the moon bonkers. Well, maybe both,I mean, you guys made me your candidate and people out there voted for me."

"I believe the American people understand that success in Iraq is necessary for the long-term success of my legacy," Bush said. "And we will elect somebody to the White House who will help me find my pony."

About 1,400 people attended the event at the cavernous National Building Museum, where they dined on grilled shrimp, spring rolls, gumbo and crab cakes before the secret service forced them into an adjacent room to hear Bush.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Rookie Of The Year, Republican Style

We're coming to you today from the Who Me? Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Who Me? is a subsidiary of the What Are You Looking At? Corporation in partnership with the Republican Party, Inc. And joining us from the Republican Party is indicted felon, Representative Rick Renzi from Arizona.

Representative Renzi in just three terms in Congress has managed to secure a 35 count indictment that includes extortion, money laundering and fraud. What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Renzi?

I will not resign and take on the cloak of guilt because I am innocent,” Mr. Renzi declared in the statement.

It should be pointed out that Mr. Renzi is a graduate of the Tom Delay School of Political Science and Chop Shop and has done post graduate work at the Larry Craig Wide Stance Institute.

His insistence on remaining in office until he is sentenced is likely to frustrate fellow republicans who have yet to be indicted and are already facing enormous challenges in this year’s elections, including a persistent disadvantage in campaign money and a wave of retirements by incumbents who know they couldn't get their own dogs to vote for them again, not to mention that republican rubber stamping of president Bush's fantasies has driven the country to the brink of insolvency, mired it in an unwinnable, seemingly endless war and devastated a once thriving economy.

"Sure it sounds bad when you put it like that," said one republican senator who asked not to be named until the charges were dropped. "What about the bridges we built? The housecleaning we did at the Department of Justice? Or how we made it OK to talk about torture again? What about all that, huh? We don't get half the respect we deserve."

Yeah. Well, anyway, back to Representative Renzi.

"Congressman Renzi misused his public office by forcing a land sale that would financially benefit himself and a business associate, and in so doing, he betrayed the trust of the citizens of Arizona," Diane Humetewa, the U.S. attorney in Phoenix, said. "For that he has been awarded the upcoming republican legislator of the year award, which will be presented at his hearing."

Renzi, a former real estate investor and insurance executive, has operated under a cloud of suspicion almost since his election to Congress. He was fined by the Federal Election Commission for reporting violations in connection with his first campaign for Congress. A Washington-based watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, has included Renzi on its list of "most corrupt" Congress members for several years.

"We always knew this guy had potential," said a spokesperson for the RNCC.

Renzi's Washington lawyers, Reid Weingarten and Kelly Kramer, issued a statement saying Renzi did "nothing wrong." They also criticized the Justice Department for bringing the charges. shortly after his father's death. "We think there's a law that says you can't be charged with anything if your father dies while you're in congress," said a spokesperson for the firm. "Or maybe it's that you get an automatic 'A' if your roommate commits suicide. We're still checking."

According to the indictment "Renzi was having financial difficulty throughout 2005 and needed a substantial infusion of funds to keep his insurance business solvent and to maintain his republican lifestyle."

The indictment also accuses Renzi of embezzling more than $400,000 in premiums from an insurance agency owned by Renzi's family. The money, the indictment alleges, helped bankroll Renzi's first congressional campaign. "Well, come on," said one of Renzi's lawyers. "The people weren't supporting him, how else was he going to get himself elected to congress?"

Mr. Renzi had been serving as a Arizona state co-chairman of Senator John McCain’s campaign for president. But Mr. McCain has indicated that Mr. Renzi would be resigning that post. "Crooks in congress, that's one thing, but crooks in our campaign tend to be offputting to voters," said one aide to senator McCain.

Mr. Renzi is one of several Republican lawmakers to be indicted or under investigation in recent months. He and two co-defendants are scheduled to be arraigned in Arizona on March 6. His indictment comes as the House is preparing to consider a proposal to create an independent ethics office to investigate allegations of misconduct against lawmakers.

"This ethics stuff has become a full time job," said one committee member. "We're considering outsourcing the whole thing to India."

Friday, February 22, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Now, we never said overlords lacked imagination. Compassion, intelligence, scruples, sure they never had those, but imagination? Check this out.

A compulsive gambler is suing a betting chain for losses of £2.1 million. Greyhound trainer Graham Calvert wants William Hill to pay back the money on the grounds they failed in their duty of care.

"Failed in their duty of care." Now, coming from an overlord that's Ironicus at its Maximus, right Fox?

Fox is very sweet and lovely. She will put her wet nose on her foster mom’s arm to say hello. She gives kisses and loves attention. She is confident, independent, mellow, calm, reserved and easygoing. She is a quick learner. She is assertive with the other dog in the home. Her tail wags in circles, like a Helicopter. Fox would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

In Our Defense, They Don't Have Golf In Mexico

We're coming to you today from the south facing parapet here at Castle IM. We're up here to assist in stemming the islamotaco illegal brown hoards flowing into this country and disappearing in the back alleys of the lawn care and hospitality industries.

Yeah, it's lonely duty, but we only have to do it until Homeland Security completes the South West Border Physical Interdiction Device, commonly known to those without technical training and an anti-terrorist background as a "wall."

In 2006, Congress passed the Secure Fence Act, also known as We've Run Out Of Ideas Bill, authored by Republican Congressman Peter King from New York because New Yorkers really care about people in Texas and California. The legislation mandated that 700 miles of double-fencing be built along the southern border from California to Texas. "Wait. Texas? I thought I was voting to wall off New Jersey," King said.

Most border residents expected the fence to run along the banks of the Rio Grande. "We sort of expected a border fence to, you know, be on the border," said Brownsville resident Eloisa Tamez.

But the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is marching down the Texas border serving condemnation lawsuits to frightened landowners such as Tamez. "Look, we've got an important job to do here," said one Homeland Security spokesperson who asked not to be identified. "If a couple of the Hispaniards get walled out in the process, well, omelet, eggs, know what I'm saying?"

Tamez, has one simple question. She would like to know why her land is being targeted for destruction by a border wall, while a nearby golf course and resort remain untouched. "We don't believe those crossing the border illegally would have the financial wherewithal to stay at a resort like that," said Greg Giddens executive director at the Secure Border Initiative Office. "So we don't feel it is necessary to protect those assets. Besides, did you see what it would do to the twelfth fairway? Totally make that hole unplayable."

Along the border, preliminary plans for fencing seem to target democrats, landowners of modest means and cities and public institutions such as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "Hey, the town is called BROWNS ville," said a spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security. In time, local landowners realized that the fence’s location had everything to do with politics and private profit, and nothing to do with stopping illegal immigration.

"Yeah. People in Texas are a little slow on the uptake," said Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security. "And George Bush was governor there too. you'd think they would have figured it out quicker, huh?"

Just 69 miles north, Daniel Garza, faces a similar situation with a neighbor who has political connections that reach the White House. In the small town of Granjeno, Garza points to a field across the street where a segment of the proposed 18-foot high border wall would abruptly end after passing through his brick home and a small, yellow house he gave his son. “All that land over there is owned by the Hunts,” he says. “The wall doesn’t go there.” In this area everyone knows the Hunts. Dallas billionaire Ray L. Hunt and his relatives are one of the wealthiest oil and gas dynasties in the world.

Jeanne Phillips, a spokesperson for Hunt Consolidated Inc., says that no one from the company has been directly involved in siting the fence. “We, have people for that,” she said.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said the agency would settle for building the fence atop the levee behind Garza’s house instead of through it. "We're all about responding to the needs of the people," Chertoff told reporters.

How did his agency decide where to build the segments? Chad Foster, the mayor of Eagle Pass, says he thought it was a simple enough question and that the answer would be based on data and facts. "Yeah, well like I said, people in Texas? A little slow," Chertoff said.

A GOP staffer who asked not to be identified, but who is familiar with the fence, says the fencing locations stemmed from statistics showing high apprehension and narcotic seizure rates. Maps released by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers showed the wall going through such properties as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "You know those college kids are high most of the time," the staffer said.

Loren Flossman, who’s in charge of tactical infrastructure for the office calls the University of Texas at Brownsville campus a problem area for illegal immigration. "Have you been to that campus?" he asked. "They've got brown people, yellow people, black people. It looks like people from all over the world are there. Seems suspicious to me. What would people from other countries be doing at an American college?"

In early February 2008, Chertoff asked Congress for $12 billion for border security. He included $775 million for the SBInet program, despite the fact that congressional leaders still can’t get straight answers from Homeland Security about the program.

Flossman said all data regarding the placement of the fence is classified because “you don’t want to tell the very people you’re trying to keep from coming across the methodology used to deter them.” When it was pointed out that it would be obvious where the fence was after it was built, Flossman responded "What fence?"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Florida! Motto: Less Hairy Than Apes

We're coming to you from the Fair's Fair Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. FiF operates in partnership with the Credit Where Credit is Due Company, a division of the Adults are in Charge Corporation.

Occasionally, we poke some fun at the good people of Florida. Well, actually we poke fun at residents still listening to the voices inside their heads, but some of the good people got caught up in that, so we're here today to give a big Ironicus Maximus Huzzah to the Florida’s state board of education who approved science standards that for the first time refer specifically to the theory of evolution, and give what many supporters say is a more coherent and concise treatment to important topics across science, such as reality.


At least 11 school boards passed resolutions opposing the proposed standards.


That statement “could be construed to preclude the consideration of magic spirits,” Dennis K. Baxley, the executive director of the Christian Coalition of Florida, said.

"Uh...Yeah," replied a spokesperson for the board. "What part of 'coherent' didn't you understand?"

“I think they’re going a bit too far,” said Mr. Baxley, a former member of the Florida House of Reprehensibles, in an interview. “I'm not convinced we want to teach kids to reason from facts and think for themselves. I mean, if you teach someone to think, how you going to control what they think about?”

Scientists cite evidence for evolution in many fields of science—not just biology, but also anthropology, astrophysics, chemistry, geology, physics, and other areas—and find it continues to grow stronger with new discoveries. "See, that's the problem," Baxley said. "The more we learn, the more we want to learn. Where does it end?"

In recent decades, the U.S. courts have consistently ruled that attempts to teach creationism, or the Biblical view that God created the universe and all living things, in public school science classes violate the First Amendment’s prohibition against the government establishment of religion. "Oh sure, bring up the Constitution," Baxley said. "When are you guys going to quit beating us over the head with that?"

“We’ve been stymied by the E-word before,” Debra S. Walker, a member of the Monroe County school board said after the state board’s vote. “With the passage of this, I think [the state] recognized that the real E-word is ‘economy,' well, except in Baxley's case where it's E diot. HaHaHaHaHa!! I'm so clever. See what ll that book learning will do for you Dennis?"

Monday, February 18, 2008

OK, We Give Up. Are We Dead Or Not?

Having crawled out from under our beds this morning expecting to see the smoking ruins of what was once our happy little suburb, we were pleased to notice that life proceeds apace all around us.

Well, as pleased as we can be considering it's a Monday and we don't work at a place patriotic enough to give us President's Day off so we can go buy a couch or something.

Relieved, but somewhat confused because we were promised Armageddon at the hands of the treasonous democrats who refused to protect the telecoms, we turned to the Heritage Foundation, who had been considerate enough to put a doomsday clock on their site letting all Americans know when the terrorists were going to swarm over the country, steal our women and end NASCAR forever.

Strangely, the clock read that 13 hours and change had expired since the democrats killed democracy. Now, as dispiriting as this may be, we are not totally frozen by the shadow of impending doom that skulks toward us, and subsequently have not lost all our faculties, so we have to point out that it is now 1:37 p.m. EST Monday, February 18, 2008. The FISA bill expired at midnight Friday, or approximately 60 some hours ago.

We are truly in a quandary. What could this mean? Is there some meaning to this time? It is, after all 13, a well known unlucky number. Is it a message? Perhaps the terrorists have already taken over the Heritage Foundation and this is some sort of cry for help. Maybe the guy who programs in javascript came to work drunk again.

And get this: The president is out of the country. Coincidence? We think not. If you need us, we'll be down in the basement under the workbench. Oh, and if you see the web guy for the Heritage foundation, you might want to tell him about this site.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Regular readers of this blog have probably made their peace with mean have often been enthralled by the inspiring stories we have related over the years, detailing the high degree of care and concern the overlords have for the units.

In 2006, there were nearly 25,000 greyhounds born in this country. Nearly 23,000 of those entered the racing system. That same year, about 14,800 greyhounds were pushed out of that same system and ended up in loving homes through adoptions. About 8,500 weren't so lucky and ended up euthanized.

Well, omelet, eggs, you get the picture. What the overlords need is someone willing to help clean up their mess. Oh look, there's Dan Tripp.

Dan Tripp lives with six 45-mph couch potatoes. It's coming up on eight years since the Tripp family first fell in love with the breed most known for its ability to race at high speed.

“We've got 10 dogs now,” he said. “Six of them are greyhounds. That's a lot of dogs to have in the house.”

Tripp has been working to build a kennel on his property for the past six years to house the continual stream of greyhounds coming from racetracks in 13 states. He's paying for it as he goes and it's nearly finished.

The family is dedicated in their efforts to try to find good homes for the dogs. Tripp serves currently as president of the Rocky Mountain Chapter of the Greyhound Pets of America. Last year, the rescue organization found homes for 60 greyhounds. Tripp would like to see that number grow.

Way to go, Mr. Tripp, but 8500 perfectly fine animals that died because they couldn't make they overlords' trailer payment? Man, that's some omelet, huh Capri?

Capri is highly intelligent & adaptable. Her first night in a home, she took herself up the stairs, without having seen anyone do it first! She is extremely muscular and athletic, and so she loves to romp around the yard. She will tap you with her foot to get your attention. She likes to play in the snow when the weather is not too cold. Capri would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs of various sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

And Don't You Go All Lysistrata On Me Either

We're coming to you today from the Give Them An Inch And They'll Take A Mile department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. GTaIaTTaM is a wholly owned subsidy of the Don't You Get Fresh With Me Little Missy Corporation in partnership with 1 Timothy 2:12. See, there's a problem in this country and it all comes back to the fact that the women folk have been getting way too uppity since we gave them the vote (which we were against by the way, but since we hadn't been born yet, and neither had our mother, our concerns never got a fair hearing). Anyway, here in the belch, scratch and fart room of IM World headquarters, we are happy to see that someone has finally laid down the law.

Kansas activities officials are investigating a school's refusal to let a female referee call a boys' high school basketball game. The reason given, according to the referees: as a woman, she could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs.

Yeah, baby! How you like us now Gloria Steinem? In your face Betty Friedan!

Michelle Campbell was preparing to officiate at St. Mary's Academy near Topeka when a school official insisted that Campbell could not call the game. "I noticed her running down the court," said the official, who declined to give his name. "And, well, things Look, our kids are repressed enough as it is. They don't need that."

The Kansas State High School Activities Association said it is considering whether to take action against the private religious school. St. Mary's Academy, about 25 miles northwest of Topeka, is owned and operated by the Society of St. Pius X, which follows only those Roman Catholic laws which embarrass the mainstream church and everyone in the Vatican wants to forget. One Association official close to the investigation indicated the school would probably not face sanctions. "These guys probably have enough trouble getting through the day," he told reporters. "Can you imagine what would happen if they got stopped by a woman cop? Can you say TASER?"

The society's world leader, the late Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre, was excommunicated by Pope John Paul II in the late 1980s. "Yeah, well just because he was crazy doesn't mean he was wrong," said a school spokesman.

Gary Musselman, the association's executive director said he said he sent a letter to the school's principal, Vicente A. Griego, the day of the incident but has not heard back from him. "I'm going to have to call him because I had my secretary type the letter and I just found out he's not allowed to read stuff written by women."

"This issue was going to come up eventually," said Campbell. "Actually it was inevitable once we began to close the community mental health clinics."


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

At Least It's Better Than Pope On A Rope

Frequent readers of this blog will probably not put their upcoming economic stimulus money to good mean have often chuckled at our occasional poking of the fun at our christian friends. You know, the ones who say god put all those fossils on earth just for a big fake out. We kid because we love.

But no more. We have come across one of the most heinous cases of religious discrimination since Barabbas got a get out of jail free card. Sure, people who have the misfortune of being born in Islamic countries are getting bombed and stuff, and even those foolish enough to worship the wrong god in this country get a not so subtle reminder from time to time that we're all about the big JC, but this blatant attempt to persecute the christian community makes all those incidents look like fraternity pranks. In fact, this attempt is so over the top, we wonder why the Big G himself hasn't stepped in. Oh sure, we know he's always up for a little testing of the faith through hurricanes, floods, pestilence and whatnot, but this...this is just too much.

Christians living in Singapore were being forced to buy Jesus makeup.

A cosmetics range with cheeky taglines that extolled the virtues of "Looking Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores in Singapore. Promising to "Redeem your reputation and more," the product line included a "virtuous vanilla"-flavored lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream. "What? Aren't you guys all about redemption?" asked a spokesperson for Wing Tai Retail, which manages Topshop where the cosmetics were sold.

"These products trivialize Jesus Christ and Christianity," Nick Chui, one of the complainants, said. "Jesus would never date a girl just because she had showered with 'Wild in the Desert' body wash. I don't even think they had showers back then. "

"There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products, " he added. "I'm sure Jesus wore shirts, and he probably didn't work out."

On the packaging of one of the products, Jesus, wearing a bright white robe, looks heavenward while a blonde, heavily made-up woman with an arm draped across his shoulder gazes dreamily at his face. "We're pretty sure Mary Magdalene wasn't blonde," said Grace Ong, another complainant.

"Why would anyone use religious figures to promote vanity products? It's very disrespectful and distasteful," she continued. "Plus I tried the tanning lotion and I didn't 'Get the Complexion of The Nazarene Overnight.' Unless people from Nazareth were orange."

An unnamed Wing Tai Retail spokesman apologized for offending the christian community. "Look, we see them over there at the souvenir shops buying those pictures of Jesus where the eyes follow you around all the time. We just thought they'd like something practical, something with a little class. Excuse me for caring."

Christians make up about 15 percent of multicultural Singapore's population of 4.5 million people, but they file 86% of all the complaints.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Would It Help Any If I Told You Jesus Told Me To Stop Counting?

OK, we're used to republicans trying to steal elections from democrats. We mean, after all, when your party is bereft of ideas, full of criminals, pedophiles and nut cases and your most rabid supporters believe the end of the world is just a bombed out Arabic country or two away, it's not like you think of yourselves as mainstream.

But even given that professional grade wingnuttery, we find this odd.

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee challenged the results of his party's weekend caucus in Washington state, where he ran a close second to likely Republican nominee John McCain.

OK, so far not so weird, but wait until you hear the reason Teh Huckster is challenging:

Republican party officials stopped counting with only 87 percent of the vote in. McCain was leading Huckabee by only 242 votes out of approximately 12,000 at the time, with 1,500 votes uncounted, according to the Huckabee campaign.

Now, we're not math majors or anything, but the last time we checked, 1,500 was bigger than 242. Can you explain this Mr. state republican party chair Luke Esser?

“Maybe it would have been safer if I hadn't said anything. But it was an exciting and historic day for the state and I thought if I was confident about what the outcome would be I should share that with the people who had gone out to their caucuses.”

We see. So as a result of your considerable background in predictive statistics, you determined, after careful analysis that at least 1259 of those remaining 1,500 really, really, really liked John McCain?

"Well, actually, I'm a former sports writer and member of the Pro Football Writers of America, who became a lawyer, but I took a stats class at the local community college."

OK, then. We're good with that.

"We're going to demand a full accounting. We're going to see what happened ... It appears that arbitrarily the party chairman just decided that he thought he could see how it was going," Huckabee said.

Well, that's your call governor, but you might want to talk to Al Gore first.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Regular readers of this blog have grown tired of being told they could do mean, have often be regaled with our tales of the glamor and romance of the greyhound racing industry. It seems each passing day brings more opportunity to the overlords, and the future looks even brighter.

Last year gamblers at the Birmingham Race Course wagered just over $16 million on the live races, a decline of 87 percent, according to data from the Birmingham Racing Commission. Oh sure, when you put it like that it doesn't seem so great.

Total wagering at the track, including betting on simulcast horse and dog racing, has fallen by nearly 50 percent over the same period. Come on. If you look hard enough you can find something bad to say about anything.

And attendance has fallen more than 67 percent from more than 1 million to just over 330,000. Criminy, what a gloomy Gus.

"Greyhound racing is experiencing a decline everywhere," said Steve Barham, a former horse and dog track executive who now helps run the track management program at the University of Arizona. Well sure, if by 'everywhere' you mean, like the world and stuff.

Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of the Humane Society of America, which has long monitored the sport and is perhaps its most vocal critic, said anecdotal evidence indicates betting on dogs is down sharply nationwide. Well, only if by 'anecdotal' you mean everyone.

Willie Henry, a 67-year-old retired bakery worker from Fairfield, is a regular. He bets $20 to $30 a race because "you don't win nothing betting $2. Course, I don't win nothing betting $30, but I think not being able to read has something to do with it."

At the beginning of the Wednesday matinée - the only daytime live dog race during the week - just six people sat in the club-level seats, a cavernous room designed to hold hundreds of people for thoroughbred races. "Well, it's really only three," Henry said. "Those other people are homeless. They're here all the time."

Homeless, huh? You know about that, right Austin?

Austin is very easygoing and mellow. He is very affectionate and loves to give kisses. He is a mild, confident dog that enjoys laying in the “cockroach” position (on his back, with is feet in the air). He enjoys playing with toys and will gather them and put them in his crate. Austin would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Gloxor, Is There Still Time To Kidnap The Black One?

Somewhere in Galaxy X the Giant Crab Monsters are crying. Well, we're not exactly sure Giant Crab monsters cry, and come to think of it, crying is probably a pretty inappropriate thing for any monster to do, but in any event, we're convinced that if it is possible for Giant Crab Monsters to show sadness, they're showing it today, because their evil plan to take over the world has failed.

Mitt The Galaxy Xian Candidate has quit the race for president.

And why, you cry out. Why? Why? OK, maybe you don't "cry out." Maybe you whimper a little, or maybe you say "What's for dinner?" But in any case, there must be a reason. Was it because Mitt had both positions on every issue? Was it because of his unique position on animal control? His Or was it just because no one voted for him? Tell us, Mr. Romney. Tell us why your sons will have to work for a living now.

"If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

Oh yes! We see! we see! If you keep campaigning the terrorists win! It's so simple, so clear to us now. Just like Satan's little brother did, you are sacrificing yourself for us! Top that Huckabeez!!

But surely, just as Jesus had his moment of doubt in the Garden, this must have been a difficult decision for you.

"This is not an easy decision for me. I hate to lose. My family, my friends and our supporters ... many of you right here in this room ... have given a great deal to get me where I have a shot at becoming president. If this were only about me, I would go on. But I entered this race because I love America," Romney said.

Oh sob! You break our hearts. And also make us wonder how your head doesn't explode. Now we learn what a patriot you are. Now that it is too late and we have lost you to the ages, or more likely the speaking circuit and wingnut welfare, but why quibble at a time of national sorrow and loss?

"As of today, more than 4 million people have given one of my personalities their vote for president, that's of course, less than Senator moccasin's 4.7 million, but quite a statement nonetheless.

Excuse us, senator moccasin? Hmmm...with support like that, maybe he's better off on his own.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Come On, We Need This. It's Not Like The Terrorists Know We're Monitoring Their Calls Or Anything

As we enter the twilight of the Bush era--348 days (but who's counting?) it occurs to us that the general response to his tenure has been, well, less that positive overall. Now, we understand that getting us into a meaningless, unnecessary war, botching whatever good feeling toward this country existed in the world, turning parts of several states into third world countries, and shredding the constitution are all activities that are most likely to draw a frown from the general populace, but you have to admit, the guy does care about the country. We mean, at least he has a good heart.

Take the terrorist surveillance law currently in congress. All the president wants to do is protect you and us and to do that he needs to give security agencies certain tools. As the president said, " If this law expires, it will become harder to figure out what our enemies are doing to infiltrate our country, harder for us to uncover terrorist plots, and harder to prevent attacks on the American people."

See. He cares about you. He wants to protect you, your little baby, even your cute cuddly dog, right Mr. president?

President Bush threatened a veto in the debate to update terrorist surveillance laws, assailing Democratic plans to deny protection from lawsuits for telecommunications providers that let the government spy on U.S. residents after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

Now what could be more straightforward than that. Even if the guy is a total doof you have to admit that...wait a minute...what?

Bush's veto threat was aimed at amendments that would bar retroactive immunity to phone companies and other telecom providers that have illegally given the government access to e-mails and phone calls linked to people in the United States. "Look, if these companies have to obey the law, they'll never cooperate with us, said Attorney General Michael Mukasey.

But, but, but, if the law is vetoed, won't that mean it will be harder to prevent attacks on the American people?

"Telcoms, are people too," Mukasey responded. Some 40 civil lawsuits have been filed against telecommunications companies. They carry with them a threat of crippling financial penalties, which the White House says could bankrupt the companies. "Just how much are your Constitutional rights worth?" Mukasey asked. "Are they worth putting my good friend Ed Whitacre out of a job?"

"Private citizens who respond in good faith to an illegal request for assistance by a government run amok should not be held liable for their actions," Mukasey said. "These are patriotic companies who put the good of the country above profit."

Ummm...except when they don't.

The Senate could vote on the surveillance bill and amendments this week. "We're confident they'll cave just like before," Mukasey told reporters. "After all, they care about as much for the Constitution as we do."

All righty then. Well, at least we know why the terrorists haven't attacked us again. They don't need to.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

BREAKING: Candidate With More Votes Wins

Super Tuesday! Meh. We can't even get excited enough to make up a drinking game. This sort of reminds us of the car dealer who has the Once In A Lifetime Sale, then the following week has The Sale of a Lifetime! Which lasts until The Greatest Sale Evah!!

After 413, 671 "debates," 14 million appearances on talk shows and eleventy hundred "Town Hall" meetings we are tired of these guys, OK? Oh, and media whores? We're tired of you too. Want to know why? Check this:

Media whore says, "Still, it is hard to overstate the significance of the voting Tuesday..."

Feb. 5 "is quite likely to be muddled," says Lawrence Jacobs, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.

We often find it difficult to overstate the significance of muddle.

Media whore says, "The candidates' views on economic issues – particularly differences on healthcare – may be pivotal for some voters. But another potent theme will be electability, some analysts say."

In other words, people think about stuff before they vote.

Media whore says, "A race that looked at first like a referendum on the Iraq war is increasingly focused on healthcare costs, job security, and the mortgage crisis."

Holy crap! Things change! Who knew?

Media whore says, "Obama is counting on a decisive victory in his home state of Illinois, with 153 delegates, but is otherwise taking broader aim across the electoral map."

In other news, Hillary Clinton is counting on a decisive victory in her home state of New York, with 281 delegates, but is otherwise taking broader aim across the electoral map.

And this just in, Ocean. Pretty deep. Film at 11.

If you need us, we'll be out back, screaming.

Monday, February 04, 2008

We Didn't Realize The Mad Max Movies Were Documentaries

We're coming to you from the IM Central Undisclosed Location today. We're down here (or maybe up here, we're not saying) doing a pre-apocalypse inventory. Not that we're anticipating the total disintegration of social order, a floundering impotent central government and the ultimate collapse of the national infrastructure. No, not a bit. Just needed to clear a little brush away from the barbed wire, that's all. Nothing to worry about, right Mr. president?

President George W. Bush forecast the U.S. budget deficit would more than double in 2008 and blamed a weakening economy as he unveiled a $3.1 trillion spending plan for fiscal 2009. "If I were you, I'd learn to live off the land," the president told reporters.

The White House projections were immediately criticized by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers who said the numbers may gloss over the full extent of the fiscal deterioration. "We're talking roving gangs of hunger crazed, heavily armed soccer moms gone bad," said one republican senator who asked not to be named.

With the economy teetering on the brink of a recession, Bush said the deficit would reach $410 billion for the budget year 2008 that ends on September 30 and $407 billion for fiscal 2009 that begins on October 1. "We're just hoping order can be maintained in the cities until the president's term is over," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "If you live in a rural area, or a blue state, you're on your own."

Bush, after meeting with his Cabinet, said, "The budget protects America and encourages economic growth. Congress needs to pass it, but not until I'm in Paraguay."

The budget makes military spending and the Iraq war its centerpiece, proposing a 7.5 percent increase for the Pentagon to $515 billion. On top of that Bush also sought $70 billion more for the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. "Well, look, we figure gas will be $12 a gallon and most Americans will be out of work, so we won't need many domestic programs," Perino told reporters.

While some Republican legislators were drunk enough to welcome the budget, New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg, the senior republican on the Senate Budget Committee, was scathing, saying it lacked credibility. When asked if he had expected 'credibility' from the Bush administration, the senator grinned sheepishly and responded, "Oops. My bad."

A promised $150 billion stimulus package of tax rebates meant to jolt the economy away from recession will also add to the deficit. "Yeah, but we're hoping everyone will just use the money to get drunk, and not think about that," Perino said. "It's what we do."

Wait, you're talking about a Stoli subsidy. Hang on, we'll be right down (or up, we're not saying).

Friday, February 01, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

We've been thinking lately about the many times the overlords have regaled us with tales of how deeply and lovingly they care for the who so valiantly go out there and race their hearts out so their owners can make the trailer payment. It's comforting to know that as the industry declines and purses shrink, the overlords' commitment to their responsibility will not diminish. Right Sue Tipton?

The owner of a Shropshire boarding kennels claims more retired greyhounds are being dumped. Sue Tipton who runs Moorland Kennels at Condover said they had taken in more abandoned dogs than ever before in December of last year.

Oh. Well, we're sure it's just one of those statistical anomalies. Probably just a quirk because of the area you live in.

She said at least 10,000 dogs a year came off the track and despite the work of the Retired Greyhound Trust many are still being abandoned.

Oh come now, "abandoned" is such a harsh word. Can you be more specific?

Mrs Tipton said a very good dog could race until it was around five, but after that they lose their edge and the urge to win. Then they face an uncertain future.

Umm...that's not quite what we were looking for. How's your future looking Oliver?

Oliver is a very gentle, loving and sweet boy. His nick name is “Gentle Ben” because of his quiet, gentle disposition. His family hardly knows that he is around sometimes, because he approaches so quietly for either a scratch on the head or a kiss on the muzzle. He will rest his head on your knee for attention. He loves to lie in front of the fire place. He likes to play with fuzzy squeaky toys. The dogs like to spread them all round the room and play together. Oliver would do well in a working family home or a stay at home family. He is great with well-mannered children 9 years and older and is great with other dogs in the home too. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mr Shortpants update: Mr. Shortpants has a couch! Last week he went to his forever home in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which he was very excited about, except he did balk at wearing a maize and blue dog coat. Classy pooch.