Friday, February 22, 2013

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog stand lonely midnight watch on the deserted deck of the great ship Entropy as it draws ever closer to the shores of chaos...erm...we mean know that we spend Fridays chronicling the inevitable demise of the institutionalized cruelty of exploiting living creatures for profit...uh...we mean the exciting world of greyhound racing. Week after week we have pointed out for you, our esteemed reader the ever increasing timbre in the sweet voice of an inexorable future trilling out the industry's death song over hill and dale: "Good Bye, Good Bye, Good Bye"

Apparently we were mistaken.
No matter where you live, something is always happening in the exciting world of Greyhound racing. This is the place where tracks post special events and activities, such as open houses, book-signings, musical entertainment and stakes races all the way from $5,000 to a Million! The world of Greyhound racing is alive, well and growing.
 Dang! We hate it when that happens. All those tracks closing, laws being passed, arrests and what not gave us the wrong impression about the potential longevity of killing, maiming, and/or abandoning innocent living creatures that is the exciting world of greyhound racing.

Well, when we're wrong, we're wrong and we're packing a big enough pair that we can admit it, and since the closest overlord camp to IM Central is West Virgina we're going to head down there and proffer our apologies to one Jim Simms, president and general manager of Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack. Uh, Mr. Simms? Oh sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. You were saying?
Needing to cut costs in the face of formidable competition from new facilities in Ohio and Pennsylvania, Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is reducing its number of greyhound races. "Racing is a declining industry. It is now less than 10 percent of our business," said Jim Simms, president and general manager. "We are doing everything we can do. We have to try to keep all of our businesses solvent."
 Um...not to put too fine a point on it Mr. Simms, but if you're cutting back on the overlords' ability to suck a buck or two off the backs of the dogs, you really aren't doing everything you can do to keep all your businesses solvent now are you? Unless of course you've already given up on greyhound racing ever becoming profitable and figure you can use it as a shield to deflect the damage increased competition does to the businesses you do actually care about.

Mr Simms, don't you know the world of Greyhound racing is alive, well and growing? It's almost like as soon as the overlords quit making money for you, you abandon them just like they were...ah...just like they were, oh we don't know, greyhounds?

Oh Karma, you are truly a wicked, wicked mistress, right Mac?

Mac loves to play with squeaky toys. He likes to sleep a lot but will get up when somebody approaches him because he wants to play. Mac loves to give kisses. He is a very fast leaner and loves to please. He is  a friend to everyone that he meets. Mac whines when he needs to go outside. He gets along well with the other Greyhounds, but I doesn’t really care for small dogs or cats.  Mac will go in his crate by doesn’t really care for it much. He would do well in a home with a single owner or a couple. Mac could live in a home as the only dog or with other dogs that are his size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

In Which Ironicus Is Conflicted

You know, we have to admit to mixed feelings about this blog from time to time. One the one hand you have your Todd Akins, your Richard Mourdocks, your Tennessee state legislature.

And don't even get us started on Louie Gohmert.

Using this little corner of the inter toobz to point and laugh at the weapons grade craziness that falls out of their mouths, that is when you can understand them at all (we're looking at you Sarah Palin) is our way of coping with the fact that for some reason, positions of authority that used to be occupied by responsible, intelligent, articulate adults have been turned over to unmedicated wackaloons with more voices in their heads than you'll hear at Lambeau field on a Sunday afternoon just after the Packers score the go ahead touchdown, and whose greatest claim to fame is their ability to go about in public championing the intellectual equivalent of having their fingers in their ears and singing LALALALALA I CAN"T HEAR YOU!!

But as professional educational technicians we are often troubled by this sudden flood of incompetency that breaks upon the shore of this once great democracy like a tsunami after a magnitude 9.0 earthquake. Surely some of these people must have had occasion to be in the vicinity of some sort of certified educational establishment as children thinks us. They couldn't have all been home schooled by wolves, could they? Take this lady for instance:
“When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body,” Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham said in an interview Thursday. “That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.”
Now, right up front if you ever wondered what kind of woman would associate herself with the republican party after all the misogynistic, sexist, paternalistic, discriminatory bile that flows from the members of the party carrying the Y chromosome, you now have your answer--a dim one. And by dim we mean intellectual capacity so faint it probably couldn't be spotted by the Hubble Telescope even if the device landed on her front porch and she was in the kitchen apparently having a spasm because the bottle of mustard she had just picked up said "shake before opening."

Admittedly, Americans aren't the most scientifically literate people in the world, but come on, an organ? What does this lady do when she has a cold, rub the bark of the Hawthorn tree on her feet because she has offended the wood sprites?

So the people who sell tests tell us schools are failing because we don't buy enough tests; the people who sell programs tell us the schools are failing because we don't buy enough programs; and the people who manage charter schools tell us the schools are failing because we don't have enough charter schools, but the real reason schools are failing is because somehow or another some people are able to get through the system with their ignorance intact. Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham comes to mind.

We recall those halcyon days when we were professional educational technician trainees and our Sensei, Professor Parnassus said, "Teachers can teach their heads off, but only students can learn." Back in the day we did not ascribe much importance to Professor P's aphorism, but time and harsh experience have brought its fundamental truth home to us more times than we care to report. Some people just prefer to be stupid.

To borrow from the current linguistic milieu, it gives us a sad, but sadder still is the fact that a majority of voters in this lady's district cast their ballots for her.  Now, it is probably safe to assume that on election day those constituents favoring her were not aware that she could not tell a fetus from her liver, still this intensity of rational vacuity is not easily compartmentalized. There must have been signs, clues, indications, portents that Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham and lucidity did not share a common ancestor.

While part of us simply wants to shake our heads in wonder at how something as large as the human neo-cortex could be so  empty in certain of our species, another part of us, that part that enlisted in the battle against ignorance lo these many years ago, laments that while the occasional campaign my prove fruitful, ultimately the castle of reason will be overrun by the hordes of pandemonium. 

Monday, February 18, 2013

Still Crazy After All These Years

We're coming to you today from the Beat A Dead Horse Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. BADH is a division of the The Voices In My Head Never Lie Company, a wholly owned subsidy of This Is Why We Should  Have Mandatory Retirement Laws, LLC.

John McCain, who has been a frequent visitor to this blog and whom, as we recall, was told "stuff it, we're going with the black guy" by the American voting public quite some time ago, apparently will not go gently into that good night.

Sen. John McCain referred to the lack of information from the White House surrounding the Sept. 11, 2012 attacks in Benghazi as a "massive cover-up. There are so many answers we don't know," McCain said. "Where is Libya? Have we found the Higgs boson?  What the heck are lipopolysaccharides? What was I talking about?"

"I'm asking you, do you care whether four Americans died?" McCain said. "And don't start about the hypocrisy of me supporting a meaningless war that killed thousands when there was a republican president because this is different. I mean come on, I am the first presidential candidate in history to get his butt handed to him by a brother. You think that doesn't sting?"

"The information has not been forthcoming. And I'll be glad to send you a list of the questions that have not been answered, including 'What did the president do and who did he talk to the night of the attack on Benghazi?' I saw the Dominoes delivery going into the White House just about the time reports from Benghazi started coming it. Now how many times has this president said he's a Pizza Hut guy, huh? Americans have a right to know the truth."

"Why did the president for two weeks, for two weeks during the heat of the campaign continue to say he didn't know whether it was a terrorist attack or not?  What was he waiting for, confirmation? When has worrying about getting the facts straight ever been an issue? Well, OK that's just me, but the point is these facts coming out before the election would have meant Mitt Romney would have lost by fewer votes."

"But we have not received the answers. And that's a fact. Well, technically since we've had a bunch of hearings and investigations we've got a lot of answers, just not the ones I want, so those answers aren't really facts, they're more like inconvenient truths. Ha! See I was making a little joke there. And they say I've lost it."

Earlier, the former Republican presidential nominee said he expects Hagel to be confirmed as defense secretary even though he doesn't plan to vote for him. "I don't believe he is qualified," McCain said."But I ran for president so that should pretty much tell you all you need to know about expertise in the republican party."

Friday, February 15, 2013

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog acquiesce to ennui...erm...we mean know that one of the things the overlords fear most whenever a track closes is losing control over their precious greyhounds and not being able to care for them throughout their lives just like  they were part of the family. Also, too big investment that needs to be protected.


Seriously, the thing overlords fear most is having to get a job, and with good reason too. After all there's not a big market for substance abusers with anger issues and poor people skills. But that might all be changing thanks to technology.
As the race begins, the dogs leap out of their traps like missiles. “Trap four has taken the lead!” shouts an excited commentator as they come around the first bend. The race could be at any number of gritty greyhound tracks across the country. But it exists only on a screen in a south London betting shop. The dogs are computer-animated; the commentary is pre-scripted and automatic.
 This is perfect see, because being a greyhound overlord is a great job except for that whole having to spend money taking care of the dogs thing. Plus there's the occasional oversight as well to say this politely... periodic inventory reductions.

But with virtual greyhound racing, none of that matters. Run out of 4D meat to feed your dogs? Who cares, virtual dogs don't eat. Have a dog injure itself? Can you say "delete key?" Dogs not winning enough? Reboot. And all without those pesky animal rights wackos coming around going on and on about living creatures, compassion, morality, yadda yadda yadda and ending with accusing you of being a soulless bag of wasted protein.

Yeah. Like you haven't heard that before, but your parents haven't called in a while have they?

Now, there will be some retraining necessary as the transference of skills won't be one to one, and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are ready to help. We've given this a lot of thought, done some pretty extensive research and we feel we've come up with a training program that fits your skill set  and has the added benefit of using pictures instead of words to convey your options, so that whole can't read thing? Shouldn't be a problem, right W.W?

W.W. On Site Sail is a little bit of a shy boy but is learning how to live in a home environment. He was not sure how to handle touching and affection at first but now wags his tail when being petted. Sail is learning a lot from the other dogs in my foster home He already knows how to go up and down the stairs and throw  squeaky toys up in the air and then catch them. He likes kids that are a little older and calm so they don’t make him nervous. He housebroken and doesn't mind being in the crate. Sail loves to go for walks and does really well on the leash. His  foster mom describes him as an “angel.” Sail would do well in a home with a single owner or a family with older well-behaved kids. He is really attached to the foster dogs in the home  and probably wouldn't do well as an only dog. Sail doesn’t like cats.
For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Monday, February 11, 2013

BREAKING: Pope Resigns; Obama At Fault

 Pope Benedict XVI announced Monday that he would resign Feb. 28 — the first 600 year old pontiff  to do so. (Eds Note: That should read the first pontiff to do so in 600 years. Sorry for the confusion.) The decision sets the stage for a conclave to elect a new pope before the end of March. "You think the NCAA has a corner on brackets?" asked Cardinal Guido Maserati, head of the Vatican handicapping office. "Wait 'til you get a load of us."

The 85-year-old pope announced his decision in Latin during a meeting of Vatican cardinals on Monday morning because "later chumps" sounds better in a dead language.

He emphasized that carrying out the duties of being pope — the leader of more than a billion Roman Catholics worldwide, some of whom actually listen to him — requires "both flexibility of mind and adaptability. Nobody told me that ahead of time," the pope added. "All I wanted to do was return the church to the 1500's, but you were all like nooooo, people found out about the prevs; we got uppity nuns; we to manage. And the Muslims! When did they start to matter."

"After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, and have him go all, 'Holy crap! You did what in 1941?' I have come to the certainty that my positions due to my ossified philosophy are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry. And the fact that I used the word 'Petrine' should tell you all that you need to know about what century I'm in," he told the cardinals. "Besides, Facebook is no fun when all my updates are about court cases. And why can't I tweet in Latin?"

Cardinal Maserati said there was no truth to the rumor that pope Benedict was being traded to the Anglicans for two Bishops and a parish in Kent.

"However, in today's world, subject to so many rapid changes and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the life of faith, in order to govern the bark of St. Peter and proclaim the Gospel, both strength of mind and body are necessary —not to mention degrees in the Law and finance if we're going to get out of this mess with our holy posteriors intact."

The move sets the stage for the Vatican to hold a conclave to elect a new pope by mid-March, since the traditional mourning time that would follow the death of a pope doesn't have to be observed. Cardinal Maserati indicated the conclave may start with a Facebook poll. "That California guy, what's his name? Mahony? That dude has a ton of likes on his page."

Friday, February 08, 2013

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog know the true path to happiness leads through the forest of rationalization...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central often like to delve into the deep questions of life. Can something come from nothing? Is there a purpose to existence, or is it an end in itself? Have we lost Twinkies to the ages? Why is it that no matter what we search for, one of the hits always goes to a Kardashian? Heavy stuff.

Well, we tell you this by way of introducing a question that occurred to us as we perused this article and that question is: who watches the watchers?
On rare occasions, mere citizens gain a glimpse behind the curtain, allowing us to see how government really works. Just such a peek occurred recently, when the Weekly obtained cozy email correspondence between members of the Arizona Racing Commission and Tucson Greyhound Park.
OK, we have to pause here, because situations like this require an obligatory joke referencing Casa Blanca. What? You mean there are aspects of the racing industry that aren't completely on the up and up? We are shocked we tell you SHOCKED!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

There have long been accusations that the Racing Commission—and the Arizona Department of Racing, for which it sets policy—are more like drinking buddies than stern taskmasters when it comes to monitoring South Tucson's greyhound track. "Hey, when your job is to monitor a 'sport' that's as depressing, inherently cruel and soul killing as greyhound racing, you're going to tip up a few from time to time," said ADOR Director Bill Walsh. "And since I'm involved in greyhound racing, normal people won't associate with me, so who else am I gonna drink with?"

Now, that is a point Mr. Walsh. Still rules are rules and you're a state employee working for a state agency funded by taxpaying citizens of the great state of Arizona, so you can see how hanging out with the people you're supposed to be regulating could send the wrong message to your bosses, right?
State lawmakers recently yanked department funding, forcing the ADOR to rely solely on revenues from the very racing industry it's charged with overseeing.
Oops. Too late. OK, who's buying the first round?
The roots of this unseemly symbiosis date from November 2008, when the citizens of South Tucson voted to outlaw the track's practice of feeding greyhounds with raw meat from diseased animals. Their ballot initiative also forbade the dosing of female greyhounds with anabolic steroids. The steroids keep females from going into heat, but are also believed to cause severe health problems.Ever since, track officials have done their best to weasel out of those restrictions.
Overlords not obeying local rules? Not putting the welfare of the dogs first? See earlier reference to Casa Blanca.

It appears that Greyhound Park manager Tom Taylor knew last spring where things were headed. "Do you have any suggestions as to how we can beat this?" he wrote in a May 7 email to ADOR Director Bill Walsh and Racing Commissioner Rory Goreé. "My plan is to approach South Tucson City Council for an exemption or a grandfather clause because somebody is bound to have a grandfather senile enough to come out to the track and shoot up the dogs."

In a follow-up email to Walsh, Commissioner Goreé waxed indignant. "First they went after birth control hormones, the food the greyhounds are fed and now this," the commissioner wrote. "What's next, treating them like dogs?" Goreé then urged Walsh to check with the Arizona Attorney General's Office. "I would like to see this resolved as expediently as possible," he wrote, "Because I'm all about doing the expedient thing, especially when it involves the units."

While Goreé did not return numerous emails and phone calls from the Weekly, his penchant for online verbosity is impressive even if his command of the language isn't. His blog regularly savages groups opposed to greyhound racing, occasionally in complete sentences. And in March, he sent a lengthy article to Walsh describing how groups like Grey2K will leverage dog-track injuries to end the sport. This recalls a similar dust-up last year when, as a newly appointed commissioner, Goreé publicly apologized after making vulgar sexual references to Grey2K president Christine Dorchak on his Facebook page.

OK, now while we fully understand the reason this reporter gives us an extended description of Mr. Goreé in an article about the Racing Commission is to draw out the connection between an agency that's broken and probably operating illegally having a staff of Neanderthal misogynists, but we feel obligated to point out, as we did last week, according to overlord RosieO, Mr. Goreé did not write the aforementioned essay, a conclusion we can support as we have read the piece and didn't find near the amount of misspellings in it we would have expected were Mr. Goreé indeed the author.
Carey Theil is Grey2K's executive director. To him, the emails signal an agency that has lost its way. "When you have a racing commissioner openly strategizing with track executive Tom Taylor about how to defeat a local ordinance," Theil says, "I think it's very clear that the commission is effectively protecting Tucson Greyhound Park instead of regulating the track."
Ha! That Carey Theil. He's a pretty polite guy, huh Venus? How would you describe the situation?  Whoa! Hey! Calm down there girl. We can't write that! This is a family blog.

Venus Von Bones is a sweet, affectionate girl that craves attention. She loves to go for walks, but pulls a little bit on the leash although she is getting better. Venus can’t live with kitty cats. She doesn't mind going in her crate. She loves everyone she meets. Venus would do well in a home with a working family or if someone is home all day. She would do well with older, well-behaved children. She would do best as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

What Did You Expect? There's No Closet In A Dog House

We're coming to you today from the Less Sense Than God Gave A Potato Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LSTGGAP is a division of the Too Dumb To Come In Out Of The Rain Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Inbreeders R Us, Inc.

You've probably all heard the old adage you need a license to drive a car, but not to be a parent, usually invoked when some ostensibly adult individual does something incredibly stupid while caring for a child or children. Sort of like when Kevin (I see ded babeez in ur uterus!) Swanson's parents decided to home school him instead of commit him to psychiatric care. Well, here's a fellow who would have actually been better off had he gone to Mr. and Mrs. Swanson's home school instead of not being accepted to Box o' Rocks academy and instead attending Bag of Hammers Institute.
A dog in Tennessee whose owner dumped it at a shelter because he thought it was gay was saved from euthanasia at the last minute by a kindhearted animal lover.
 Now, on the one hand we could say it's nice that there was a shelter this man could take his gay dog to, but wouldn't it be so much better if the dog were able to take this owner to a nice shelter for people so stupid they can't tell time with a digital watch? We've heard Glenn Beck wants to build one of those.

Besides, if this guy had really cared for his dog he would have taken it to one of those gay recovery organizations like Michele Bachmann's husband runs. Canine homosexuality is obviously a lifestyle choice donchano.

Monday, February 04, 2013

He's Probably Been Taken Off The Alumni Mailing List By Now

What is it with republican men suddenly becoming experts on female anatomy? This week it's Kevin Swanson who informs us
...women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb. They’re just like dead babies. They’re on the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.
First of all, Eww.  We took the liberty of Googling Mr. Swanson to see where he got his medical degree and we discovered he's the product of homeschooling who went on to become the student body president of a "large west coast university." He doesn't name the school so we're thinking somewhere a university president is heaving a big sigh of relief.

Friday, February 01, 2013

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so if you're coming here on a Friday it's probably because you know that Fridays are the days when we look in on the overlords and and see what rationalizations and justifications they are offering this week for the heartless exploitation of innocent creatures for profit. And not much profit at that. If this is the first Friday you've come here, something has gone terribly wrong with your life plan.

But back to our story. It may have occurred to you since the overlords have the moral scruples of John McCain, the empathy of Paul Ryan and the impulse control of Rush Limbaugh they might need someone to watch over them, you know, just to make sure everything is on the up and up.

Well, there is such an organization and it's called the Board of Stewards. Just the very mention of the name can make the overlords tremble like a junky needing a fix. OK, maybe that's a bad analogy because some of the overlords are junkies needing a fix, but the point is, These Steward guys can really make the overlords toe the line. For example, overlord Diann Yochum recently let one of the greyhounds in her care die due to lack of proper veterinary care and followup and the Board of Stewards were all like Oh no you dinnit:
"The Board of Stewards find that you failed to provide sufficient and/or adequate veterinary care to DS Cyclone in a timely manner."
Now, in her defense overlord Yochum told the Board that no one had explained to her that she was supposed to care for injured dogs. "You mean to tell me when they ain't making no money for me, I got to spend money on them?" she asked. "That ain't no way to make a buck. These dogs get themselves hurt all the time." When members of the Board explained to her that it was very important from a public relations optics standpoint that the people see her dogs as members of her family, as highly trained athletes that represent a huge investment, as the center of all she does and all she cares about, Ms Yochum
admitted to investigators that she had failed to report the death of another greyhound a month earlier. That dog, named DS Trouble, was severely injured in October and "experienced paralysis of its hind quarters." Two days later, she was euthanized.
"I thought writing it off on my taxes was enough" she explained.

Yeah? Well think again Yochum. That's a $300 fine and 30 day suspension. Works out to $150 and two weeks per dog just so you know we're serious. And don't let us see you back here again, because we will be on you like like ugly on a bulldog. We take our responsibilities seriously, and no one is above the law. Well, unless your name is Sam Burdette, then forget it man, too much paperwork, right Caroline?
Katjam Caroline is a very sweet and friendly girl. She loves everyone she meets. She loves to go for walks and play in the yard. She is very good on the leash. She is learning how to do stairs. She has not learned how to play with toys yet but she loves chewing on her rawhides. She does good in her crate; however, she does sometimes bark when her foster parents first come home so they leave her in the crate until she quiets down, which does not take long. She has had no accidents in the house or her crate. She lets her foster parents know when she has to go out. She is not cat or small dog safe. She has had some experience with children and has done well. She would be fine in a home with older well-behaved children. She gets along great with men and women. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here