Friday, April 29, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

When last we looked in on the overlords, they were bloviating about how well they take care of the mean the dogs. Big investment we're told. Can't afford to trust their care to just any yokel. Health has got to be protected.

Well, you can imagine how shocked we tell you shocked the overlords were when tracks in at least four different states had to be closed due to outbreaks of kennel cough.

Kennel cough is a bronchitis characterized by a harsh, hacking cough. Its causes are the stress associated with shipping and or crowding. It can also be triggered by heavy dust exposure and or cigarette smoke coupled with poor ventilation. In other words, a racing kennel.

Lincoln Park R.I. greyhound track overlord Michael Trainor said no dogs are in serious danger. He said kennel cough is to dogs what a cold is to people. Well, except people don't usually die from a cold.

Here's your chance to bring a greyhound who managed to escape with her health in from the cold. Meet Bettor Laugh:

Posted by Hello
Laugh is really sweet and friendly. She enjoys playing and is a little puppy-like, but also enjoys her naps. She tends to be very submissive when her foster family puts a lead on her and other activities that make her feel like she has done something wrong. This is improving with time. She is very affectionate and she will pogo when she is excited and will rest her head in your lap for pets. She likes to collect the toys and bring them to her crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

We Never Understood Walt Whitman Anyway

Not content merely to ban gay marriages (twice) the Alabama legislature is now considering banning anything written by for or about gays. In book after book, State Representative Gerald Allen, sponsor of the bill, reads what he calls the "homosexual agenda," and he's alarmed. "I started thinking about this after I happened to catch a Sponge Bob Square Pants show. And before you ask, I didn't enjoy it."

"I don't look at it as censorship," says Allen, "because it's not like gays have rights in the first place. At least not in Alabama." Allen originally wanted to ban Shakespeare. "Have you seen the way that guy dressed?" he said at a news conference. "If he wasn't a little light in the wrist I'm a flying pig."

A reporter mentioned that Alabama students might be put at a disadvantage if they were unable to read poets like Sappho, W. H. Auden, A. E. Houseman, or authors like Socrates, Emerson, Oscar Wilde, Sir Francis Bacon, Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Gore Vidal, or Alice Walker's novel "The Color Purple" which has lesbian characters, Allen responded that most Alabama school children couldn't read "that high brow stuff" anyway, and later said, "What does it matter. Socrates ain't going to help no one be a better mechanic, or hair dresser."

Asked to point out examples of the "homosexual agenda" in the books he wants to ban, Allen said he wasn't sure exactly, "but there's a lot of those big words I don't understand and I'm pretty certain it's some kind of code. I know 'forbearance' pops up quite a bit," he said. "That's got to be something dirty. I think it has to do with man parts."

Allen explained that his bill would also include television shows and movies written by, or incorporating homosexuals. "I'm also looking into funding a program that would distribute anti gay tin foil beanies to all the residents of Alabama," We think that between my bill and the hats, we can make the residents of the state safe from the homo I mean the homosexual agenda."

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Does Having A Scary Personality Count?

Perhaps we were a little hasty in yesterday's post about the police handcuffing a kindergartner in Florida. After reading this we wonder if it isn't wise for police to handcuff everyone. At least until they can disarm them.

Critics of the new law, called the "Bus' a Cap on dat Mo Fo" bill, say it will create a "Boyz in da Hood" mentality, where residents shoot first and ask questions later. "Used to be the neighborhood grouch would just squirt you with a hose for cutting across her yard," said Representative Eleanor Sobel an opponent of the bill." Now she may open up on you with an Uzi."

Supporters say the law is a logical extension of the one that allows homeowners who fear for their lives to use deadly force to defend themselves from an intruder in their homes. "If I can shoot someone breaking into my house, it's only logical that I should be able to shoot someone for braking too quickly in front of me. After all, that can be pretty scary too," said Marion Hammer, a former president of the National Rifle Association.

When asked if she had any concerns about putting more guns in the hands of Florida's increasingly elderly population, Hammer replied that "older citizens may not be able to shoot as effectively due to deteriorating eyesight so we recommend they buy automatic weapons. Go for something that can empty its clip in less than two seconds," she advised. "That way what you lose in efficiency you'll make up in volume."

Responding to the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Uniform Crime Report that crime fell faster in states that have strict carrying concealed weapons (CCW) laws, or that don't allow the carrying of concealed weapons at all than in states which have lax CCW laws Hammer, who asked to be addressed as "Ms. Whackmaster," said that crime wasn't really the issue. "When I walk into a room with a piece in my purse, or strapped to my hip, it gives me instant credibility. That more than makes up for my eighth grade education."

"All this bill will do is sell more guns and possibly turn Florida into the OK Corral," Representative Irv Slosberg, another opponent of the bill, said during recent debate. "And I'm Wyatt Earp," said Ms. Hammer."

"It was just a metaphorical term," Slosberg responded. "What I mean is that the over all safety of the public will be lowered if people are running all over with guns and all they have to do is feel threatened to start blasting away."

"You're making me feel a little threatened right now," Hammer replied, slowly pulling back her trench coat to reveal her sidearm.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

What Did You Learn In School Today? My Miranda Rights

A cold shudder shook the marbled halls of IM Central after reading this. It was the kind of shudder that comes after a narrowly averted catastrophe, like just having removed the Playboy from under the mattress, then finding out mom has decided to wash sheets.

We feel truly blessed that our days as denizens of the Corporacation system are long past because, given our rather jaded history as students, we're sure that were we treading the high halls of academe today we would have a rap sheet longer than, as our old daddy used to say, a lumberjack's reach at the dinner table.

If we were inclined to think about such things, we might think that a trend is developing in the approach schools use to get students' minds right with the program. We refer the curious reader here, here and here for examples.

Now, we are not members of the tin foil anti-mind control beanie delegation, at least not outside of happy hour, but then, we're not school age either. Take the kindergartner mentioned above. A school video shows the girl making a mess in the assistant principal's office at the school and disobeying requests to behave. She also climbs on a table.

OK. Nothing strange so far. If we had been arrested every time we made a mess, or climbed on something we weren't supposed to climb on, well, let's just say that until we were eleven we thought our name was "Get Down From There This Instant."

The article says that a police officer recognized the girl from a previous incident. "I had been called to the school once before because she was stomping on empty milk cartons in the playground and making them pop loudly. I knew she was trouble right away, so I called for backup and threw the cuffs on her."

Unfortunately, the handcuffs didn't work. John Trevena, a lawyer for the girl's mother, said "They had to use plastic restraints because the standard-issue handcuffs would not fit a five-year-old."

A police spokesperson explained that "Handcuffs aren't made for five-year-olds, because five-year-olds aren't supposed to be handcuffed, so from now on we're going with the Taser." Man. If Mr. Holt had one of those back in seventh grade we'd still be smoking.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Memo To All Staff: Company Headquarters To Relocate To Mordor

Let's take a little trip down to the heart of Dixie to see what those whacky discounters at Walmart (motto: Resistance is futile) are up to.

Regular readers of this blog (loved the cookies mom!) will recall when last we left, Sons of Sam had just wrapped up some nasty business with Immigration officials. Illegal immigrants had said they worked as many as seven days a week, were not paid overtime and did not receive injury compensation. Jeez. Talk about unreasonable expectations. What's Spanish for wussy?

Before that we were entertained by company officials responding to a report that their failure to pay employees a living wage at the average 200 person Wal-Mart store may have resulted in an added cost to federal taxpayers of $420,750 per year. "We call it cost dispersal," a Walmart spokesperson said. "We disperse our costs to other people."

Now it turns out there was good reason they weren't spending their money on employees. They were saving it to invest in anti-union activities. Last week, the United Food and Commercial Workers Union filed a complaint, that alleged former Vice Chairman Tom Coughlin used expense account reimbursements to make secret payments to anyone willing to identify pro-union Wal-Mart workers.

"They said it was an expense account," Coughlin said, "and if you don't think unions are expensive, well, you just haven't been paying attention."

Coughlin was on Wal-Mart's board until March 25, when he resigned. Last week, Walmart disclosed that it had suspended Coughlin's benefits. "If it means getting us off the hook, we're going to run this white boy up the flag pole and watch him flap in the breeze," said a company spokesperson on condition on anonymity.

Walmart has suffered a string of high profile run ins with authorities and local citizens groups lately and has struck back with a nation-wide PR campaign designed to improve its image. "This week we'll be launching our new America We Love You" campaign," said a company spokesperson. When asked to respond to charges that 70% of Walmart goods were made in China and spokesperson said, "OK. So maybe it's 'America We Love Your Money.'"

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

So if you ask one of the overlords if they take good care of the dogs while they are exploiting them you'll get a long winded speech about how they're athletes and it wouldn't make sense to mistreat them and anyway there are veterinarians around and on and on and on.

Yeah. Veterinarians like Dr. Paul F. Kippenberger, a board member of the National Greyhound Association who just lost his license for, of all things, cruelty to animals. Kippenberger declined to comment, but his attorney, Chester Darling, said the veterinarian intends to appeal immediately to Suffolk Superior Court on the grounds that he was treated unfairly.

"My client loves animals," Darling said. "Well, the sick and hurt ones get on his nerves a little, but mostly he just ignores them." Anne Collins, executive director of the Division of Professional Licensure, which oversees the veterinary board, said Kippenberger's case was ''the worst veterinary case we've ever seen. I asked him why he became a Vet in the first place and he said it was because he thought it would help him 'pick up chicks.'"

Luckily, this week's hound will not have to be treated by ex-Dr. Kippenberger, but you could help him meet a good Vet in your neighborhood. Say hello to Abita War Eagle:

Posted by Hello
Eagle is an extra large and well mannered boy. He is very mellow and easygoing. He gives kisses, likes attention and he loves to be next to you. He will lean against you when you are walking. His tail wags in all different directions when he is happy and he likes to flip toys in the air. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

South Carolina: We Love Our Chickens, But Not Our Chicks

Recently South Carolina (motto: shet up an' fetch ma vittles) legislators faced a conundrum. Two very important bills had come before the Judiciary Committee at the same time. In most states this wouldn't be a problem, but in South Carolina lawmakers are required to wear shirts and shoes while working. "Ma ole dogs don' like being cooped up in dem store bought shoes like thet there, "said Representative John Altman, "I needs to git out and feel sum o' dat good Caroliny mud a squishing up between ma toes.

You see the dilemma. Forced to evaluate their priorities, the legislators acted on a bill protecting fighting gamecocks and tabled one that would have made domestic abuse a felony instead of a misdemeanor. Representative Altman was in favor of the gamecock bill. "When I was a chil' ma daddy had chickens. I use' to play in the hen house with ma sister Bessie Lynn Ruthie May. We called her Bitsy. Well, 'til daddy caught us thet time. Bitsy had to go away to school for a while after thet and Daddy sold the chickens and burnt down the hen house."

The domestic abuse bill, which advocates say would protect victims against batterers, was tabled, killing it for the year. Representative Altman was also on the committee that looked at that bill, "I think this bill is probably drafted out of an abundance of igorance." When asked to explain, Altman said, "Well look, I'm not fer beatin' the wimmin folk, lessen' they need it, but I mean you wimmin want it one way and not another. Wimmin want to punish the men, and I do not understand why wimmin continue to go back around men who abuse them."

Vicki Bourus, an advocate for victims of domestic violence explained that there were a number of reasons, "She may have children with that person, and she may fear that it will harm them to live without their dad, or she is majorly financially dependent on his check to feed her children." Bourus added another reason women sometimes stay, "After an incident, a violent incident, quite often the batterer will say I'm so sorry, it will never happen again."

Representative Altman explained that he has worked with abused women He said he tells them not to go back, and when he does, "They listen to me, they don't don't go back." When asked whether he was sure, he said, "At least not while I'm representing her. Not if she knows what's good for her," he said, indicating the large Sam Brown Belt and western style buckle he was wearing."

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mr. DeLay? Your Aluminum Hat Is Ready

Continuing with our Congress Gone Wild (or at least unmedicated) theme, today we find Representative Tom DeLay explaining why ethics charges against him are an alien conspiracy, and oh by the way, judges suck. Not to change the subject or anything.

When asked to respond to charges of taking lobbyist funded junkets, DeLay said Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy's work from the bench has been "incredibly outrageous." When asked to explain what he meant, DeLay complained that Justice Kennedy, who was a Reagan appointee, "knew full well," how he should have ruled on the Terri Schiavo case. "And if he had questions, he should have called me."

"And not only that," DeLay continued, "but he does his own research on the Internets. That is just incredibly outrageous. I mean, look at the Internets. That's where porn and stuff is. Not that I know anything about that."

A spokeswoman for the court, Kathy Arberg, said Kennedy could not be reached for comment. "Justice Kennedy takes Mr. DeLay's accusations very seriously and looks forward to responding to them at some future date, but today he had to go home a rearrange his sock drawer," she said.

Dan Allen, a DeLay spokesman, declined comment on the interview. "Look, the guy's been under a lot of stress lately what with trying to do his job in Congress and communicate with Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul, so you guys need to cut him a little slack. Especially you Earle."

DeLay has called repeatedly for the House to find a way to hold the federal judiciary accountable for its decisions. "The judiciary has become so activist and so isolated from the people that fund me that it's our job to do that," he said. When informed that judges are already accountable for their decisions in that each has to be explained in the context of applicable law DeLay responded, "Law smaw. I am the voice of the American people. I am the one to whom you turn for answers and guidance in these tumultuous times. I am the light and the voice of...Wait. Terri? Terri? Is that you?"

At that point an aide stepped forward and guided Mr. DeLay from the podium. He was heard to say, "Now Now Mr. DeLay. We talked about this. We don't talk to Terri and Pope John in front of others, now do we? Come on, time for your medicine."

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Bill Frist For President: And You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse

Just when we thought they had managed to adjust the medication of certain Congressional personages after the Schiavo debacle, we read that Senate Majority Leader and cat lover Bill Frist will attend a conference to discuss what part of hell judges should be sent to.

Organizers say they hope to reach more than a million people by distributing the telecast to churches around the country, over the Internet and over Christian television and radio networks and stations. "You will have to remove your aluminum foil deflector beanies to receive the broadcast over the People of Faith Telepathic Broadcast Network though," said one conference official.

Dr. Frist's spokesman said the senator's speech in the telecast would reflect his previous remarks on judicial appointments. "Senator, Frist is very concerned that judges seem to be interpreting the law rather than listening to people who cold possibly be convinced to vote for him for president," his spokesman, Bob Stevenson.

The telecast also signals an escalation by Christian conservatives who see the current court battle as a chance to reverse decades of legal decisions. "We're not to happy with that whole Civil Rights, equal opportunity, everybody gets to vote thing, explained Dr. James Dobson, head of the conservative Focus on the Family.

"The left has been repudiated in almost every recent election we could rig or buy," said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and organizer of the telecast. "For years activist courts, aided by the A.C.L.U., have been quietly working under the veil of the judiciary, like thieves in the night, to rob us of our God given right to tell other people what to do. They've let women out of the kitchen, and let brown people act like they were full fledged Americans. They've made it OK for our daughters to go to school with people from countries where they don't even speak English, let alone read the Bible, and then said we couldn't make the heathens pray to our Jesus in public buildings when we celebrate our holidays. Is that religious freedom? Not for me it isn't."

When asked if he shared the view that all people should be Christians, specifically conservative evangelical Christians, Senator Frist declined to answer. "I'd have to check the voting records of those groups first," he said. "Who knows, next week I could be a Buddhist."

Monday, April 18, 2005

Well. We Hope You're Happy Mr. Terrorist

Those pesky terrorists. The President has told them and told them and told them that we are winning the war on terror, but will they listen? No. So now we can't print our yearly report that says we're winning the war on terror.

The State Department won't publish an annual report on terrorism after the government's top terrorism center concluded that there were more terrorist attacks in 2004 than in any year since 1985, the first year the publication covered.

Thanks terrorists. And since this would have been the twentieth year of the report, we had a party planned with cake and clowns and everything.

Officials defended the sudden cancellation, saying the methodology used to generate statistics for the report may have been faulty, possibly including incidents that may not have been terrorism. "There were several situations where the terrorists were chanting "Yankee go home and we weren't sure if they were talking about the baseball team or not," said one State Department official on condition of anonymity.

A senior State Department official said a report on global terrorism would be sent to lawmakers and made available to the public in place of "Patterns of Global Terrorism," but that it wouldn't contain statistical data. "In fact," the official explained, "it won't have any data at all, but there will be some tasty recipes."

Another U.S. official said Secretary Rice was concerned about the methodology the National Counter terrorism Center used to generate the data for 2004, believing that analysts were anxious to avoid a repetition of last year's undercount "We only counted attacks from left handed terrorists last year," the official said, "now they want us to count, like, all of them. Do you know how much work that is?"

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Whew! The overlords dodged a bullet this week. The New Hampshire Senate recently killed a bill to eliminate purse subsidies at the greyhound tracks. That means the tracks will continue to receive a $325,000 yearly handout from the state to help them stay in business.

And where does that money come from you ask? Well the Education Trust Fund of course. "Kids have options," said State Senator Robert Clegg, one of the supporters of the subsidy, "they can watch Sesame Street and stuff, but what else can a track owner do? It's not like they have a lot of marketable skills you know?"

When asked if he realized that at the last two lottery stakes races at the local greyhound track, 16 dogs were not from New Hampshire and not one has raced in New Hampshire since, Senator Lou D’Allesandro, another subsidy supporter said, "So you're telling me that greyhound breeders from other states come to New Hampshire for one day, pocket the purse money subsidized by state education funds, and then leave? Well, at least the track owners are still here, and they're the ones who contribute to my campaign because you know, if I don't get elected I can't do good for the people of New Hampshire."

Well, if you're wondering why the state would give money to an industry that it's supposed to be making money off of, you'll just have to ask the folks in Texas. Meantime, while Mr. D’Allesandro is working his magic for the people of New Hampshire, you can make the world a little brighter for this week's hound, Kansas Kava

Posted by Hello
Kava enjoys playing with his toys. He is curious, happy and affectionate. He loves attention and will stay close to you for pets. He is easy going and mellow. He is a little skittish when he hears unexpected noises. He loves to lie in the dog beds and makes a big sigh when he plops down. He barks at his reflection in glass. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Paris Hilton...Come On Down!

Well, it looks like the Congress is set to pass the estate tax bill and the bankruptcy bill. Short version: Rich people can keep their money, poor people can't.

"We're very optimistic," Ryan Peebles, senior manager of legislative affairs at the National Federation of Independent Business said of the estate tax bill. "These people worked hard for their money. Well, their grandparents worked hard for the money, these people can't do anything at all. And that's the point. Could Paris Hilton get a real job? I don't think so."

"We all realize that the government must have revenues and that taxes are a necessary evil," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert, "But that's for poor and middle class people. This estate tax inconveniences rich people. It's just evil because it takes away the American dream from too many spoiled rich kids, and it's only coincidental that they vote Republican."

When asked if he was aware that the Internal Revenue Service said just over 2 percent of people who died in 2001 left estates subject to taxation, Hastert replied, "That's just who I'm talking about. Why should the sons and daughters of those people give up their winter homes in Jamaica, their yachts, their ability to contribute large sums of money to my campaign? Oops. Did I say that last part out loud?"

The financial services industry has been pushing for bankruptcy legislation for eight years, arguing that it frequently is the last refuge of multimillionaires — often celebrities — who buy mansions in states with liberal homestead exemptions to shelter assets from creditors. "We thought about just asking those states to change their laws, but that was too easy," Speaker Hastert explained. "Besides, as Republicans, we're not too fond of celebrities anyway. Well, excepting Pat Boone of course, and maybe Donny Osmond."

When asked if he was aware that new personal bankruptcy filings declined to 1,599,986 from 1,613,097 in the year ending last June 30, and that between 30,000 and 210,000 people who file for bankruptcy each year would be disqualified from doing so under the legislation, Hastert replied, "Yeah, we know that, but it's a chance to get Michael Moore after his tax audit so we had to take it."

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I'm The New Ambassador, Bi Otch.

We started this blog to, how shall we say, dig out and expose the more egregious examples of that chasm between faith based reality and reality based reality, but sometimes they're laying right there on the sidewalk in front of us like worms after a rainstorm.

Take John Bolton for example. Here's a guy who has had nothing but bad things to say about the UN ever since he learned to talk. He is on record as calling the UN "irrelevant and irredeemable, and a big bunch of stupid foreigners who dress funny and have bad breath (especially you Sabliere)."

So what does Dear Leader (no light weight himself when it comes to alternative realities) do? Appoint this man to be Ambassador to the UN. Mr. President, dude. You make this too easy.

Our impression (foggy though it may be) is that the UN is a place where adults come to talk about the problems of the world and hopefully avoid unpleasant things like famine, pestilence and war as a result. Our ambassador designate seems to have a particularly idiosyncratic idea of what discussion is though.

In preparation for Bolton's confirmation hearings, the Senate committee interviewed current and former intelligence officials about stories that Bolton tried to pressure analysts to change their findings in support of his ideas.

For example, Christian Westermann, the chief bioweapons analyst at the State Department's bureau for intelligence and research, refused to approve the language for a speech Bolton wanted to give about Cuba and recommended changes. Bolton tried to have him fired.

"Bolton told me if I didn't get my mind right with his Cuba policy something would happen to my family," said Westermann.

"That's not true," Bolton countered. "Actually, I tried to have the pencil necked geek whacked, but the funds in my discretionary budget were low, so I dropped back to ruining his career."

Former State Department Intelligence Chief Carl Ford said Bolton was out of line. Eventually, Bolton was ordered to change his speech and Secretary of State Colin L. Powell commended Westermann. "Yeah. I haven't forgotten that either," Bolton said, looking straight at Westermann.

Senator Joe Biden told the committee. "This is not an isolated incident. We have testimony from a total of four other people" relating to several incidents. One alleges Bolton kidnapped the puppy of one of his researcher's four year old daughter and threatened to "throw it off a bridge" if the researcher didn't change his analysis to conform to Bolton's theory that the North Koreans were negotiating for technology with alien races.

Senator Richard Lugar, chairman of the foreign relations panel, and Bolton supporter said yesterday that he did not want to excuse Bolton's "demeanor" but that the "the paramount issue, as I perceive it, is that we don't give a good crap about the UN anyway, so why not just send somebody over there that's going to tick 'em off?"

At that point several of the President's aides who were observing the hearing jumped up and started chanting USA! USA! USA!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Clueless, Ignorant And Arrogant. Our Kind Of Guy.

You know, you have to hand it to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfailed. First he botches the planning of the war, then he botches the supplying of the war, then he botches the occupation. After all that he has the stones to go to Iraq and tell the Iraqis "Anything that would delay that or disrupt the government as a result of turbulence or incompetence or corruption in government would be unfortunate."

The newly designated prime minister, Ibrahim al-Jaafari, told reporters, "I don't deny there are challenges, but I am sure we are going to form very good ministries," he said, "we're taking everything the Americans tell us and doing the opposite."

In a joint appearance before reporters, Rumsfailed and interim President Jalal Talabani struggled to make themselves understood to a mixed Iraqi-American press corps. At one point Talabani translated for Rumsfailed as the defense secretary fielded a question from an Iraqi speaking in Arabic. After hearing Talabani's version of the question, Rumsfailed accused the reporter of phrasing it inaccurately, "There's no way he called me a pompous, empty headed gas bag," the Secretary was heard to say, "Look at him, he doesn't look like he's had more than an eighth grade education."

"You are quite correct," Talabani replied, "I did paraphrase his comments somewhat. His exact words were 'you feces ridden bloviating dung worm.'"

Rumsfailed told reporters he would press the new Iraqi leadership to avoid delays on either the political or security front. "It's important that the new government be attentive to the competence of the people in the ministries and that they avoid unnecessary turbulence," Rumsfailed said. "Jesus I can't believe I said that with a straight face, he continued. "Isn't irony just the greatest thing? How come they're not laughing? Oh. Forgot. They don't speak English. Well, you tell the jokes you have, not the ones you wish you had."

Monday, April 11, 2005

Good News: The Bug Is Dead. Bad News: Your Kid Has Twelve Fingers And Three Eyes

We generally let Mondays creep through the marbled halls of IM Central fairly unmolested as it is often hard for us to focus on the adult world after spending the previous 48 hours trying to recapture our misspent youth. Occasionally though, some news so exciting, so life affirming, so enriching crosses our bleary eyed path that we are born anew. Such an event has occurred on this date and with full to bursting hearts we pass it on to you:

Your government cares about children. After much soul searching and consulting with ethisists, clergy and Tom Delay, the Federal Government has decided not to experiment with pesticides on children.

The aim of the study, Stephen Johnson, EPA's acting administrator said, was to fill data gaps on children's exposure to household pesticides and chemicals. "We know DDT will kill 'em off pretty quickly," Johnson said, "and chlorpyrifos and diazinon will make their hair fall out, or they go blind or something, but we heard methyl parathion could just turn them totally bat crazy and wanted to check it out."

The study was suspended after ethical questions were raised by scientists within the EPA and by environmentalists. "I am committed to ensuring that EPA's research is based on sound science with the highest ethical standards," Johnson said, "but after someone told me this stuff might turn the kids green...well, the PR problem is obvious, so I exterminated it. Get it? Exterminated the pesticide study. Go ahead. You can laugh."

Over the study's two years, EPA had planned to give $970 plus a camcorder and children's clothes to each of the families of 60 children in Duval County, Florida, in what critics of the study noted was a low-income minority neighborhood. "That's why we picked them," Johnson explained. Can you see us rolling into Palm Beach, or Port Saint Lucie with this? Those people can read, plus they have access to lawyers."

"I am very pleased that Mr. Johnson has recognized the gross error in judgment the EPA made when they concocted this immoral program to test pesticides on children," said Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-California, who had joined with Sen. Bill Nelson, D-Florida, in demanding the study's cancellation. Boxer added that she would continue to oppose any testing of toxins on humans. "Except maybe Frist or those cockroaches over at Powerline," she added.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Well it hasn't been the best of weeks for the overlords. In Texas the state just figured out that it wasn't making any money off racing. Only took 14 years, but hey, it is Texas after all. (note: stupid registration required). So does this mean Texas will be getting out of the dog racing business? When have you ever known a governmental body to walk away from a program just because it wasn't working?

In Massachusetts it looks like the folks aren't so convinced that more gambling will save the dying greyhound track there. Local greyhound track President Richard Dalton has estimated that adding slot machines to the track would boost employment from 350 to 1,350 workers. Most of the new jobs would be restaurant related. "You know dishwashers, bus boys, waitresses, all those glamorous low paying no benefits jobs every community is looking for."

Area resident Robert Barron thinks the city should focus on long-term plans to redevelop the track sites for uses that generate the maximum amount of property taxes and employ the largest possible workforce. "Tracks don't belong in up-and-coming towns. It's not in keeping with a modern city," he said, "I mean, most of the people who go to the track don't even have teeth. Is that the image we want for our community? I don't think so."

You might have a point Mr. Barron. And speaking of teeth, this week's hound has lost some of his, probably due to the mush of additives and 4D meat combined with the lack of dental care the dogs receive while they're running in circles for the overlords, but he can still give a go at a dog biscuit and it hasn't affected his ability to enjoy good scratch and a nice walk on a warm spring day. Meet Vacume:

Posted by Hello
Vacume is a typical laid back grey. A real gentleman and classic leaner. He loves his stuffies and always greets anyone coming into the house with one which he proudly drops at their feet. He is the classic "velcro" dog who attaches himself to the leg of whichever foster parent is moving about the house. And yes, his ears always stand up like that. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

SWM Aflame With Lust Seeks LTR. Maybe.

Regular readers (big shout out to the momster) will recall that when last we met the crew here at IM Central were on the fourth page of the Google search results for "no prescription Valium" when we ran across the musings of one Dennis Prager. Finding the lawyer by acclimation ultimately unfulfilling, we moved on and today have discovered a J. Budziszewski who may or may not be a guy, but is trying to be Theophilus who died like in 77 BC. Maybe it's a channeling thing. Anyway, we feel a common bond with people who hear voices in their heads so we stopped by to gather up some advice. Seems Budziszewski/Theophilus is discoursing on the art and science of being single. Let's listen in:

"For most, singleness is a way station on the way to marriage. Some, however, remain single all their lives, either by choice or by circumstance." Ok, we can help with this. How do you know if you're single by choice or circumstance?

Choice: You decide to major in Computer Science
Circumstance: You grew up in South Dakota
Choice: You prefer Analog to Maxim.
Circumstance: Your parents are survivalists. But back to the article:

"If God wants you to be single, He will also provides the spiritual gifts which make it possible." And how do you know you have received some of those gifts? Again, allow us. You know you've been gifted if:

You still have acne when you're forty.
When someone asks you if you have a girlfriend you think of your mother.
You think online role playing games are good ways to meet chicks. Excuse us. You were saying B/T?

"If you are attempting to remain single but find that you cannot bear the burden, it is not a sin to marry. Better to switch to the other way of life than to be aflame with lust." Aflame with lust. Now we're getting somewhere. What do you have to say about that "man in his mid-twenties and working to save money for the last stage of his graduate studies in philosophy" who previously wrote to B/T:

"One thing people tend to misunderstand is that God always gives the gift of celibacy to make us more available to Him, not to make us more available to ourselves." Yes. And when we're too available to ourselves we...umm...Ok...well...ah...I think we'll just move along to the woman who "is the full-time youth minister whose reflections on the not-having-children controversy appeared in a previous B/T." Miss?

"A more pertinent question for your correspondent may be, 'Am I allowed to date?'" interesting interrogative. If one is not allowed to date, how then would one know that one has indeed chosen the right path? On the other hand, if one is allowed to date, one may find Miss Right (or maybe Mr. Right. Not that there's anything wrong with that) and then we would have less time available so to speak.

Blast you Budziszewski/Theophilus and your complications! Back to the Valium search.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

You Can Be Different, Just Not Different From Me.

We admit to feeling somewhat aimless of late. At loose ends as it were. So we engaged in a little wandering through the internets the other day, hoping to find guidance and prescription drugs for sale without a prescription. That's when we happened upon the thoughts of one Dennis Prager who "conducts orchestras, and has introduced hundreds of thousands of people to classical music."

We were intrigued because he has an honorary degree in Law and he taught Russian history. Did we mention he wrote a book? With words and stuff. One reviewer said he was a sloppy thinker, intellectually pretentious, and preached a kind of benevolent, patronizing conservatism. Woo Hoo! Our kind of guy. We wondered what his thoughts on the meaning of life were, so we clicked our way over to a page of his jottings:

His article starts out: "It is difficult to overstate the depth of the differences between the Judeo-Christian view of the world and that of its opponents, most particularly the Left."

Wow. We have been at loose ends. Totally missed the announcement that the "Left" has become a religion. We thought "Left" people just sort of voted and stuff, then went to whatever church they wanted, but do go on:

"Basic to the biblical world view is the proposition that God made order out of chaos -- order expressed largely through separation and differences. Differences reflect the divine order, while attempts to abolish those differences represent a denial of that order and a yearning for primeval chaos, moral and otherwise."

Wait a minute. This philosophy stuff always gave us headaches. If "difference" is the "divine order" and the "Left" is different from the Judeo-Christian, then by attacking them aren't you the one who represents a denial of that order and a yearning for primeval chaos, moral and otherwise? Don't answer. What else you got?

"Some universities are eliminating men's and women's bathrooms." Oh we're with you there, man. Stop into one of those places drain the lizard and you just know the girls are checking you out. It can be especially embarrassing if it's cold outside and you've got a little shrinkage going on, know what we mean? We bet you do.
But you were saying?

"In the last 10-20 years the word "sex" -- always used to describe male or female -- has been replaced by 'gender.'" Umm...that's a little confusing guy. We thought you'd like that one. Sex Doing the nasty, the beast with two backs, knocking boots, you get the picture. "Gender" is much more polite, more refined, more...vague. Anyway, what's next?

"Laws in the Torah provide further evidence of the biblical desire to retain male-female distinctiveness. The first is the ban on men wearing women's clothing and on women wearing what is distinctive to men." Hey come on. What guy hasn't felt the need for a little lace against his thigh now and then? Why just last night we...ah...well...never mind. So you're saying no blue jeans for girls? No baseball caps? No T-shirts? Our sainted mother used to wear one of the old man's work shirts around the house on cleaning days. Now we understand what's been wrong with us all these years. If only she'd stuck to print dresses and pumps we'd have turned out OK. Wait. Maybe it's because Uncle Ted did stick to print dresses and pumps that we're the way we are.

Dang. It looks like Mr. Honorary Lawyer and band lead Prager can't help us after all. Doggone you Uncle Ted, or Vive la differance. Whatever.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Ain't That America

Ok we need to get this straight. Tom DeLay and John Cornyn can threaten judges in the national media and the police don't even look up from their donuts, but when a high school student passes a "suspicious" list around school he gets arrested.

Speaking about the numerous court decisions upholding the wishes of Terri Schiavo that she not be kept alive by medical procedures, DeLay said, "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior."

Echoing the comments of his Fuhrer, Cornyn said, "We seem to have run through a spate of courthouse violence recently and I wonder whether there may be some connection between the perception where judges are making political decisions yet are unaccountable to the public, that it builds up and builds up and builds up to the point where some people engage in violence."

Police who arrested the high school student said, "There is no threat to the safety of students at the school, but what the heck, he's a kind of a dorky kid anyway."

At a news conference announcing the arrest of the high school student, police were asked if they thought DeLay's and Cornyn's comments were illegal under section 802 of the Patriot Act which enables law enforcement officials to move against those who try to "…influence a policy of the government by intimidation or coercion."

"Oh, right. Like we're going to try and arrest Tom DeLay," Chief Pompetous replied. "You need to get with the program. The Patriot Act is for people out of power. Now get out of here and go back to reporting on Michael Jackson before I have your library records subpoenaed."

As reporters scurried hurriedly from the room, one of the Chief's aides whispered something in his ear and as he was leaving the stage he was overheard saying, "You mean I don't even need a court order? I can just walk in and get their records? Is this a cool country or what?"

Monday, April 04, 2005

We Don't Need No Education. We Just Need Some Thought Control

As mostly unwilling participants in the great American corporacation system, we are more than willing to point out the blemishes on the face of Lady Intellect, but this seems to be taking things a bit far.

Marshall Fritz, president of the Alliance for the Separation of School & Sanity, told supporters "From Man, A Course of Study in the 1960s and Values Clarification in the 1970s, to multi-culturalism and 'tolerance' programs today, public schools have worked hard to convince children that there are no simple black and white solutions to complex societal problems. Some of these children are now judges, attorneys, and political leaders. Well, now the chickens have come home to roost because those children have become all those judges who didn't agree with me on Terri Schiavo."

We're going to go out on a limb here and assume that when Mr. Fritz is talking about "chickens" he doesn't mean that paragon of judicial objectivity Justice Roy Moore, or legal scholar and brain dead defender, Randall Terry, or political role model Tom DeLay.

Fritz went on to say that Terri Schiavo died because today's "public school" educator has a "duty not to know what is right and wrong. It's like they expect you to figure things out for yourself. Who wants to do that?"

"The average guy doesn't know right from wrong," Fritz continued," and I'm here to fix that because I am definitely not an average guy. I worked for IBM once, and I was a soccer coach. They have to play by the rules you know, so I know rules." When asked how that experience qualified him to critique public schools, Fritz responded, that his days as a Toastmaster exposed him to all sorts of information "and not only that, Dr. Laura supports me and she's a really smart lady. Got some of those college degrees I believe."

"If a society cannot trust the individuals to govern themselves, then they need some person or agency to tell everybody what to do," Fritz continued, "we call that rule of law and I for one am fed up with it. The plain truth is that 'public schooling' has so anti-educated two generations of Americans that we stood by helpless as our 'justice system' did what the Founding Fathers mean...just a second...ah...let me...let me rephrase that. The system worked because the people had more respect for the law than the exploiters. No...wait...As Thomas Jefferson said, 'In questions of power, then, let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution.' Yeah. Bound in chains. That's what I'm talking about. Get those judges and chain 'em. That's democracy in action right there."

Friday, April 01, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

April fools day. What a fitting day for our weekly survey of overlord activity. And not surprisingly we see there are plenty of fools out there. In New Hampshire the fools are fighting over a track that's about to lose its license. Kenneth Hart, says his uncle, Allan Hart, the greyhound track general partner, has refused to discuss sale of the track with him and has tried to shut him, one of two brothers and their wives out of the business. "Look, it's not like we have any marketable skills, Kenneth Hart said, "If we can't work at this track, were else could we get a job?"

In Oregon, where the last greyhound track on the west coast closed recently because it couldn't make enough money for the overlords, a fool wants to reopen it. Eric Spector, president of Pioneer Resources Inc. of Carlsbad, Calif., said he would build, a multipurpose complex with a greyhound track as its centerpiece. Dick Gage, the closed greyhound track association's executive director, said he had asked Spector for the letter of commitment so that the association could prove that the track was economically viable. "We need a commitment from somebody," he said, "And Mr. Spector is the only one we found who could read and write." Luckily, not everyone in Oregon is so foolish.

Oh well, April fools day or not, it's hard to underestimate the intelligence of folks who think exploiting dogs is actually a career choice. And speaking of career, let's meet this week's hound, who is ready for his new career--couch potato. Say hello to JC's More Chips:

Posted by Hello

Chip is a happy go lucky boy. New situations and surroundings do not faze him. He quickly found the toys in the home and thinks everything on the floor is his toy. He is affectionate and will follow you around the home for attention. He likes to "cockroach" (lie on his back with his feet in the air.) He gets confused about which bed he wants to lie on and will sit on the female greyhound in her bed instead of taking the empty one. He likes to look at his reflection. He will bark when he hears the doorbell, even if it's only on television. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.