Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

We bring you this last installment of Friday Hound blogging for 2005 from the "That's Gotta Hurt" department here at IM Central. Recently we told you about George Carney, owner of Raynham Taunton greyhound track who said if he couldn't get his way on simulcasting he was going to stuff beans up his nose.

Would that be Northern or Chili Mr. Carney?

The Senate voted yesterday against a House amendment that would grant Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park unlimited simulcasting rights, opting instead to propose a 90-day extension of the current law. The House did not approve the proposed extension.

Owner, George Carney is prepared to watch simulcasting shut down if his request for expanded video feeds isn't granted. He could not be reached for comment after the vote. An assistant said he had gone into the bathroom and was going to "hold his breath until he passes out, or the legislature revotes."

In other news concerning the high level moral, legal and philosophical debate over greyhound racing, we bring you this story from England.

Police were called to the Abbey Moor stadium in Glastonbury on Tuesday after reports of attacks on an anti-racing campaigner. Gina Harris, spokeswoman for Avon & Somerset Greyhound Action, said she had been hit by a dog trainer and protest boards were thrown in a nearby river.

A spokesperson for the track later apologized explaining that workers at the track had forgotten that "customers don't read too well in the first place and probably wouldn't have understood the signs in the first place. They'll have to get a lot more basic if they want to get through to this lot," she said."

Looks like you got out just in time, huh Sniper?

For our last hound of the year, we bring you Windy City Sniper, pictured here as she rides to her first foster home after having been rescued. The coat was donated by her foster family as the dogs come off the track with nothing but a collar and any injuries they may have gotten in service to the overlords. As a public service we will keep you informed about Sniper's progress through her medical exam, fostering, and hopefully finding her forever home. Good luck girl. Things are looking up, can you tell by the look on her face? For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Meet The New Lie, Same As The Old Lie

Well, this is interesting. Just when everybody, including the press, (motto: What? He was lying?) have figured out that there were no WMD’s, no Hussein/bin Laden connection, no role for Iraq in the September 11 attacks, basically no reason to invade Iraq, along comes Move America Forward with an ad campaign that um…repurposes some of the initial…um…er…miscalculations…yeah, miscalculations that led to the war.

“We don’t think the president carried off the whole gotta invade Iraq campaign very well at all,” said Sal Russo, one of the group's three founders.. So we have repackaged the…er…truthoids. We’re calling it Operation Same O Same O and our slogan is ‘half-truths viewed twice become whole truths. “

“See, whenever the president would get caught in an lie…er…or as we like to call them a ‘W’s Mangled Distortions’ he would just totally abort and move on to the next ‘WMD. What we’re doing is putting all the WMD’s out there at once and hoping we can scare the bejebus out of people like it did the first time. We’re trying to get Secretary Rice to bring back that mushroom cloud line.”

When asked to explain why the group was launching their program now, Russo replied that it was “basic marketing. Look. We just got through the holidays, people are just getting over the war on Christmas, all the press has been about Republican scandals lately so we’re figuring most of the people have forgotten why we’re in Iraq.”

Russo explained that funding for the campaign would come from the grassroots. “We figure if there are people out there stupid enough to believe this stuff the second time around, there are people out there stupid enough to give us money.”

The White House didn't return several calls seeking comment. A Republican National Committee spokesman declined to comment. "Even we think these guys are whackos," said an RNC official who declined to be identified.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

If He Knew Then What He Knows Now, We'd Still Be In This Mess

Ah, the new year. Janus, the god with two faces, one looking back over the past year, and one looking forward to the next. Hence the new year’s resolution. The future shall be better than the past. Lose a little weight, go to church more often, give a little more to charity, win the war in Iraq and put a few more bucks in your rich friends’ pockets.

Expect the president to bring in 2006 the same way he ended the old: Trumpeting good economic news for rich people and talking, irrationally, about Iraq where excitement over a historic ballot has been tempered by the fact that nothing really has changed. “Trust me will be the slogan of the new year,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. “And if you don’t trust us we’ll know because we’re listening.

The war in Iraq and sluggish diplomatic efforts to deter the nuclear ambitions of Iran will continue to dominate foreign policy for the president, who plans a trip early in the new year to India. When asked why the president was going to India if the issues revolved around Iran, McClellan responded that the president “often becomes confused” when different countries begin with the same letter. “For the first six months of the war he thought we had invaded Uzbekistan,” he explained. When it was pointed out the Uzbekistan actually begins with a U, McClellan responded, “It’s that spelling thing again.”

“When the president puts out a legislative and executive agenda, we'll make sure we reflect the fact that it's difficult for Congress to get anything done in an election year," said Dan Bartlett, counselor to the president. “Well, actually it’s hard for them to get anything done any time what with the Republicans always having to be in court and the Democrats hiding under their desks whenever Cheney is in town.”

Bartlett said that doesn't mean the president won't introduce fresh initiatives, which typically are tucked in the State of the Union address, tentatively scheduled this year for January 31. “That whole ‘Go To Mars’ thing didn’t work out too well for us,” he said, “So the president is thinking of something a little closer to home, like asking Americans to sponsor an Iraqi politician. It worked for Sally Struthers.”

Right after he was re-elected, Bush proudly claimed a mandate to pursue an aggressive agenda. "I earned capital in the campaign — political capital — and now I intend to spend it. It is my style," he said. Unfortunately most of that capital was used up by the twin’s graduation party and the court costs afterwards.

Bartlett said Bush's biggest disappointments of the year were the withdrawal of Harriet Miers, his second pick for the Supreme Court, and the impotent federal response to Hurricane Katrina, which highlighted his leadership profile. “In his defense, “Bartlett said, “He appointed Miers when he was high and he really didn’t know there were that many black people in New Orleans, so when he was told most of the white people got out he went back to the golf course.”

"It's been the least successful year of a pretty pathetic presidency," said Georgetown University political scientist Stephen Wayne. “On the bright side, at least there’s no casual sex going on in the White House.”

Monday, December 26, 2005

Jus' Frontin' Fo' Massa

We are a little confused by former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Here he was, a decorated soldier, one of the heroes of the first Gulf War, and potential presidential candidate. Then he went to work for George Bush. We all know how that went. So we wonder why, after all he has finally escaped the from the current administration he would say this..
Now, a lesser blog would make references to brand of cookie, or a particular uncle, but we refrain and mention only that he appears to have graduated from the Clarance Thomas School of Gentlemanly Deportment.

Former secretary of state Colin Powell has defended the US administration arguing there was "nothing wrong" with President Bush not seeking warrants before engaging in domestic spying. "Of course I'm also the one who saw nothing wrong with going before the UN with trumped up charges and flawed intelligence to try and convince them to join us in the Iraq invasion, so I'm probably not the best person to ask."

"The president made a determination that he had sufficient authority from the Congress to do this in the way that he did it," Powell said. "What the heck, if he had to get warrants he would have just made stuff up anyway, like we did with Iraq."

The Congress will have to make a judgment as to whether or not they think the president was using the law correctly or not. And we all know what a bunch of wusses they are. Once Dick 'explains' the situation to them, they'll be get back to debating what the national dinosaur shoud be, like they're supposed to."

Asked if such spying should continue, Powell said: "Yes, of course it should continue. If obey the laws, the terrorists win."

Similar revelations about domestic spying led to legislation in the 1970s that allows for wiretapping but requires government agencies to obtain a warrant from a special court. Though Powell said he was not aware of the current operations, but "my own judgment is that it didn't seem to me, anyway, that it would have been that hard to go get the warrants. But the president doesn't like to write things down you know. There's all that spelling and grammar. Not his strong suite."

US media also reported that the government runs a secret program to monitor homes, workplaces and mosques of Muslims in six US cities for signs of possible nuclear radiation. "Well, somebody has to have the weapons of mass destruction," Powell said. "Timothy McVeigh is dead so that leaves only the Muslims who hate us."

Bush and his top aides have stressed that the order for eavesdropping was limited to those suspected of ties to Al-Qaeda. But the latest reports about vetting vast amounts of data indicate the spying is more far-reaching. "Look, with the president's poll numbers in the toilet, we know there are a lot of people out there who don't have much good to say about him. We just need to know who those people are, that's all." Powell explained. "Nothing to worry about."

Friday, December 23, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

What is it about Kansas? Crooked overlords? That's no big surprise, but the whole Adam and Eve Riding dinosaurs thing and the campaign to export stupidity seem, well, a little over the top. Now alert reader James brings this to our attention.

When is a dog not a dog? When it's a greyhound in Kansas. It may sound like a punchline to a joke, but it's true. Two years after the parimutuel racing act was passed in Kansas, the law protecting pets in the state was changed to exclude greyhounds from the designation of dog.

"A greyhound ought to be a dog in the state of Kansas," said Kevin Neuman, of Overland Park. The National Greyhound Association based in Abilene, Kan., disagrees. The executive director called the change unnecessary and said greyhounds aren't bred for pets, and therefore, shouldn't fall under pet protection laws. "Look. Would you want a law saying you had to take better care of your toaster?" The director said. "Well, that how we feel about the"

"More dogs are bred and more dogs are put at risk," Kevin Neuman said. Breeding organizations dispute that claim, saying kennels are closely regulated by the NGA and the Kansas Greyhound Registry. When asked to explain "closely regulated" the director replied that the association "has a guy, I can't think of his name right now, who, like, shows up at the farms, and you know, regulates them, so they're umm...regulated."

You ever feel regulated Mr. Lil' Fox?

Fox is a big, happy-go-lucky, easygoing, quiet, reserved, mellow, boy. His tail wags all the time in circles. He likes to be petted and likes to follow his foster family around the house. He appears to have collected all the doggie toys in the house. He likes to move toys around the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Hounds Home For The Holidays (Son Of)

What better time for a little good news that during this festive holiday season when we put aside or differences and join with childlike innocence and joy in a rousing chorus of "Festivus Pole, Oh Festivus Pole, How thy plating so shiny."

OK, maybe not, but still there is joy in Muddville because the forces of goodness and light have had their signatures validated.

"This is a key victory for the supporters of this humane law," said Tom Adams, director of communications for the Animal Rescue League of Boston. "Voters recognize that dogs deserve to be protected from individuals and industries that would do them harm."

But George Carney, owner of Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, one of the state's two dog racing tracks, said he would fight to keep the act off the ballot and, failing that, would launch a public relations campaign to see the question defeated.
Attempts to reach Carney were not immediately successful Tuesday afternoon as he had once again gotten lost on the way home from work and was thought to be somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Gee. Be a real shame if he doesn't make it back in time to vote, right Calamity?

Calamity a.k.a. Daisy Mae is friendly, outgoing, calm, and easygoing. She is affectionate she will use her nose to nudge you for attention and will put her head in your lap. She likes to play with toys and does not mind being in the middle of a lot of action. Her foster mom says she incites the “riots of play” in her foster home. She likes to race around the senior grey in the yard while he is lying down – she will run in circles around him and nudge him trying to get him to play. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hounds Home For The Holidays Redux

Well, as promised, we are going to take a few days off casting our bleary eyes over the cultural landscape and see if we can get a few more hounds and couches together before the holiday icon formerly known as Santa makes his appointed rounds.

And it turns out that may be a good thing too, as our post yesterday, while incredably ironicus at its most maximus, appears to have been the the result of a reporter's fevered imagination and access to a word processing program. What you say? Articles in the paper can't be trusted to have any connection to reality? Even ones that aren't written by Judith Miller? We didn't know there was a school of journalism in Margaritaville.

Well, having a loose conncection to reality is a state we here at IM Central visit often, occasionally returning with the T shirt, so we'll allow this temporary lapse in our keen eye for the absurd to fade into blogosphere oblivion and get on to more pressing matters. Speaking, of tenuous connections to space time as we know it, let's drop in on the overlords.
It seems there is a bit of infighting going on as they struggle over the last few social security recipients left in the industry. Four Massachuetts tracks--Suffolk Downs (Thoroughbred), Plainridge Racecourse (Standardbred), and Raynham-Taunton and Wonderland (Greyhound) are operating under a five-year agreement that's set to expire. Raynham-Taunton is seeking unlimited simulcasts, something to which the other tracks object. Raynham-Taunton owner George Carney left a legislative summit after he failed to reach agreement with the other tracks. If a compromise isn't reached, no track will be permitted to offer simulcasts.

"Look. They give me what I want or I'm taking my part time low wage no benefit jobs and going to someplace that appreciates me," Carney said. "Someplace like Bangladesh. greyhound or horse racing left in the state because owners can't decide how to divvy up the fixed income crowd.

Oh. Boo. Hoo.

Right Hallo Rooster?

Hallo’s foster mom says he is like a gawky teenager. He is very playful, and loves attention. He is sweet, endearing, goofy, funny, and innocent. He will approach and will touch his cold nose to his foster mom’s legs for attention. He is a “collector” and likes to collect miscellaneous items around the house and take them to his crate. He is generally mellow in the house, but gets really excited when it is time for a walk. He loves to spend time outside and play in the snow. He loves to look at his reflection in a mirror/window. He is smart and learns quickly. He has a favorite squeaky toy that he carries everywhere. Loves to be petted under his chin and chest. His tail is so long and he always wagging that he whacks the walls when he walks and often knocks things off the end tables. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE RECENTLY FALLEN DOWN STAIRS AND HIT YOUR HEADS: Greyhound make 'greyt' pets, but lousy gifts. If you're thinking about giving someone a greyhound as a gift go here.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sorry Professor, Homeland Security Ate My Homework

Who knew doing homework could get you on the suspected terrorists list? Apparently not this senior at UMass Dartmouth who was visited by the Men in Black after he did research for a paper in his history class.

The student, who was completing a research paper on Communism for Professor Pontbriand's class on fascism, totalitarianism and the Neoconservative Golden Age, filled out an inter library loan form for a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's "The Little Red Book." He was later visited by two agents of the Department of Homeland Security.

"They posed as delivery people from the local Chinese restaurant, but once in the house started asking him questions about his 'buddy Mao,'" said Pontbriand.

The professor said the student was told by the agents that the book is on a "watch list," and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate further. "I went to Canada. Twice," the student said.

"I tell my students to go to the direct source, and so he asked for the official Peking version of the book," Professor Pontbriand said. "That's what triggered the visit, as I understand it."

"Well, that and the fact that the requester was a student at one of those fancy pants eastern liberal colleges," said a spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department who asked not to be named. "You wouldn't find any real Americans asking for a book like that at the University of Alabama," he added. "Do they have a University in Alabama?"

The student told Professor Pontbriand and co-instructor Dr. Williams that the Homeland Security agents told him the book was on an "evil doers list." They brought the book with them, waved it in front of him while chanting "nyah, nyah, nyah, you ain't reading this," then left, the Williams said.

"One of the agents asked why I had to read books like that," the student said. "He said I should be reading good American books by people like Ann Coulter, or Bill O'Reilly."

Dr. Williams said in his research, he regularly contacts people in Afghanistan, Chechnya and other Muslim hot spots, and suspects that some of his calls are monitored. When asked what caused him to come to the conclusion his calls were being monitored, he pointed to the large black van in his driveway. "Been there all year," he said.

Dr. Williams said he had been planning to offer a course on terrorism next semester, but is reconsidering, because it might put his students at risk. "I shudder to think of all the students I've had monitoring al-Qaeda Web sites, what the government must think of that," he said.

"So that's why we've got so many Gitmo detainees from UMass Dartmouth," said a spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department. "I didn't think those kids looked Middle Eastern."

Monday, December 19, 2005

Excuse Me Father For I Have Sinned. I Committed Six Mental Reservations. Oh Wait. They Don't Count

Why is it that all the best parts of religion are kept secret? No, we're not talking about Mormon underwear. Can you imagine how helpful this would have been in high school?

The Catholic Church teaches it is a sin to lie, but the doctrine of mental reservation allows for circumstances when it may be better to avoid the truth to serve a higher purpose.

Yeah, like staying out of jail. Do you think Tom DeLay and Scooter Libby wish they were Catholics right about now?

And the beauty part is, even being under oath doesn't count. This is so much better than crossing fingers--and less obtrusive in a court room as well.

Kelly Clark, an attorney for several church sex scandal victims, said questions could put San Francisco Archbishop Levada in the position of balancing his answers between the requirements of federal law and his moral obligations under church doctrine.

"If he gets a choice to decide what covers his butt best we're not going to get anywhere," Clark said. "At that point he might as well be Jack Abramoff."

Vatican attorney Jeffrey Lena said the archbishop's civil oath should be sufficient to ensure honest answers. "It's not necessary to inquire whether there is a personal philosophy that causes him to lie," Lena said. "We can just rely on the oath to tell the truth."

A personal philosophy that causes us to lie. Now that's what we're talking about. Get Mehlman on the phone.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, on the surface this may seem a little strange, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Therese Backowski, a dog obedience instructor, is part of the Cell Dog program, run by a group that hopes to bring greyhounds to every prison in Ohio. "We figure a lot of the people from the industry are going to be in prison, if they aren't already, so there is a built in expertise for caring for the dogs," Backowski said.

''About 12 years ago, kennel operators and owners were killing about 50,000 dogs a year,'' said Beverly Sebastian, executive director of the National Greyhound Foundation. ''Since then, rescue efforts have cut that in half. But our biggest problem is where to put these dogs until they're adopted. We probably have 5,000 dogs available for adoption nationally.''

Before they can be adopted, the dogs must learn how to behave in private homes. Backowski began teaching dog obedience techniques to inmates at Mansfield Correctional Institution five years ago, where she said she now instructs 80 inmates. She said she does this for two reasons: to help people and to help dogs. "The dogs actually inspire the inmates," she said. "They prove to them that, even though you may start your life a minion of the man, there is always hope you can break free and start a new life."

Inmate Ernest Bennett's first dog is May, short for her racing name, Glory Mabry. She came to the Lorain Correctional Institution in September, from Council Bluffs, Iowa, where she raced at the Bluffs Run dog track.

"I was mostly living life on the streets before I went to prison,'' said Bennett. "So I know what it's like to have nothing to look forward to and always to be afraid. Sort of like what her life must have been like at the track. Now we both have something to look forward to."

Ah, nothing like an uplifting story for the holiday season, wouldn't you agree Donna?

DonnaStar has a very sweet & loving personality. She loves to play with and carry toys to lie down with. She is very friendly and outgoing. She approaches all the family members for a nuzzle, a hug, some pets and a kiss on the head. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

In College My Nickname Was "Faulty Intelligence"

Shorter President Bush: Look, I screwed up getting us in the war, but it's good we're still fighting it, because if we weren't we'd have to deal with that blasted Clinton budget surplus...I mean Saddam.

Rebuffing Democratic calls for a shake-up over Iraq war strategy and speculation about rifts within the White House, Bush said he had no intention of removing Rumsfeld as defense secretary. "Brownie's doing a heck of a job," the president said. "I mean Rummy."

Rumsfeld and vice president Cheney have been frequently accused by critics of pushing the war on false pretenses. "There's a big difference between being liars and idiots," the president explained. "I'll let the American people decide which they are."

Bush said he remained "very close" to Rove, who could face charges in the criminal investigation into the leak of CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity. "We're still as close as we've ever been, in a manly way of course," Bush said of Rove. "We've been through a lot. You know, when we look back at the presidency, no question that Karl had a lot to do with me getting here. Well, that and his friendship with Satan."

Bush also said he hoped indicted Texas Republican Representative Tom DeLay would regain his post as House of Representatives majority leader. "Sure he's a crook, but he's got a good heart," Bush said. "And the guy can raise money like nobody's business."

Bush said he hoped the powerful Texas Republican would return to being majority leader "'cause I like him, and I'm a great judge of character, you know? Plus, when he's over there, we get our votes through the House. By any means necessary, if you get my drift."

Bush said of Rumsfeld, "He's conducted two failed wars and at the same time has helped transform our military from a military that was constructed for, you know, victory, to one that couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag if one end was open."

Bush acknowledged there was "massive speculation" about his relationship with Cheney -- "whether I like him or don't like him. Let me tell you, you don't not like Cheney. Not if you value your health, that's all I'm saying."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Matthew 25:40? Yeah. We Have Some Problems With That

We seem to remember, dimly, back in the foggy past, a catechism class and something about doing for the least of us is the same as lending JC a few bucks to get him to payday. Or something like that.

So we have to admit to a smidge of mystification at finding out that God's posse is not among hundreds of religious activists trying to get arrested to protest cutting programs for the poor.

"It's not a question of the poor not being important or that meeting their needs is not important," said Paul Hetrick, a spokesman for Focus on the Family, James Dobson's influential, Christian organization. "It's just that, since they're poor, they can't donate much money. Just business. Nothing personal."

Acting House Majority Leader Roy Blunt said yesterday that the activists' position is not "intellectually right. Morally right, sure. Fair? Just? Proper? Ok. I'll give you that, but what's that got to do with getting me reelected?"

Janice Crouse, a senior fellow at the Christian group Concerned Women for America, said religious conservatives "know that the government is not really capable of love. Of course the government is capable of feeding hungry children and providing shelter for homeless families, but they're not capable of love, that's all I'm saying."

"There is a [biblical] mandate to take care of the poor. There is no dispute of that fact," Tony Perkins, president of the conservative Family Research Council, said. "But it does not say government should do it. That's a shifting of responsibility." When reminded that in a democratic society the government represents the will of the people, Perkins responded that the Bible "makes no mention of democracy."

The Family Research Council is involved in efforts to stop the bloodshed in the Darfur region of Sudan as well as sex trafficking and slavery abroad. But Perkins said those issues are far different from the budget cuts now under protest. "The difference there is enforcing laws to keep people from being enslaved, to be sold as sex slaves," he said. "We're talking here about massive welfare programs that will let people escape from economic slavery without turning to prostitution...wait."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Somewhere Jesus Is Weeping

You have to wonder about the Christians. When they're not under attack by the forces of darkness and commercialism...oh wait...commercialism is OK. When they're not under attack by the forces Bill O'Reilly says they're under attack by, they turn on each other.

When Alabama State Representative Ken Guin saw “The Bible and Its Influence,” he thought he’d found a textbook that should be used in Alabama high schools. "I knew right away it was a lot more important than one of them algebra books."

Some Alabama high schools already offer Bible classes based on a curriculum by the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools in Greensboro, N.C. Its executive director, Elizabeth Ridenour, promised to fight Guin’s legislation to require "The Bible and Its Influence" in Alabama schools. "Our Bible's way better than his Bible," Ridenour said.

"Nuh uh," Guin replied. "Mine left in all the dirty parts."

"Oh yeah?" Bet you don't have the lesbos."

"Oh, we got the lesbos, bet you don't have the poop eating!"

"Poop eating? There's no poop eating in the Bible."

"Nuh huh. Ezekiel 4: 12-13. Check it out."

A similar battle rages in Odessa, Texas, where Robert Hand, who heads a committee picking a new Bible curriculum, said he was pressured by advocates of both Bible groups.

He wanted a book that would meet constitutional requirements of separation of church and state and be acceptable to biblical scholars and educators.

"That's us, that's us," stated Ridenour.

"No freaking way," replied Guin. "I know you don't have the story of the ejaculation of death."

Ridenour dismissed the contributors and reviewers of the Guin's text as “liberal university scholars” and contends it uses “the Marxist process called the dialectic” to undercut the Bible. "So what if we don't have the poop eating," she said, "We got Isaiah's fart harp."

“Our teachers are very concerned that they are able to teach this course without proselytizing,” Hand said. “The burden falls on the teachers to craft a course that is interesting to the students.”

When made aware of the Bible controversy, an Odessa High School Junior said, "Boobs in the Bible? Sign me up!"

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Guy's Got To Do What He Does Best

Imagine our relief when we returned from a weekend of...well...nevermind, and find that all of our worries about the future of our country have been put to rest by this.

President Bush is returning to his conservative agenda after being distracted from his message the past few months by hurricanes, an anti-war mother and a failed Supreme Court nomination.

Whew! Got that "distraction" of a hurricane out of the way, now we can get back to business. Umm...what is that business anyway?

"What you will see more of next year is the president going back to what he does best -- pretending we're winning the war and getting tax cuts for rich folks," White House deputy press secretary Trent Duffy said.

The White House went on the offensive on Iraq, rebuking a Democratic congressman for suggesting that U.S. forces be withdrawn from Iraq immediately. "We showed him," Duffy said. And we will continue to attack the character of anyone who speaks against our policies, because it's easier than defending them."

Mr. Bush made an unscheduled statement in the White House Rose Garden about positive economic news, which included strong job gains and falling gasoline prices. "We figure to talk our way around to victory on the home front the same as we have in Iraq," said White House Press Secretary Scott McCllelan. "We're winning there you know," he added. "It's just that reporters never get out of the green zone to report on the good things happening in the country."

The president delivered the second of four scheduled speeches to detail the White House strategy for victory in Iraq, citing specific progress. "Less people are dying in Iraq today than the last time there were more people dying." the president said.

The strategy appears to have paid off. A New York Times-CBS News poll conducted Dec. 2-6 showed the president's approval rating at 40 percent, up from 35 percent in October. "It's true the question was, 'whom do you favor more, President Bush, or brain eating zombies,' but we're taking it as a positive sign," said Duffy.

Gary Bauer, president of the Republican front group Americans Values, said Mr. Bush's approval ratings rose "because he's put victory back on the table in Iraq. Now, if we can just keep the insurgents from blowing up the table we'll be OK."

"He has nothing to fear from the anti-war movement," Mr. Bauer said. "Well, except for the fact that they're right, but when has that ever mattered in this administration?"

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, a pretty low key week on the planet of the overlords. Closed tracks are still closed. Jailed overlords are still jailed and the movement to end greyhound racing in Massachusetts took another step forward. As you might imagine, this has caused overlord apoplexy.

Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney has vowed to fight the ban in court. When it was explained to him that the ban had not, in fact, taken effect but was merely going to be put on the ballot for a vote, Carney responded "voting is about what most people want. That's not how America works."

"The dogs are taken care of and well looked after," Carney insisted, his nose visibly lengthening. "This is a phony issue, and they've been able to promote it and raise a lot of money from a lot of suckers." And aide later explained that Carney meant to call people "suckers only in the best sense of the word."

Carney scoffs at the claim that racing greyhounds are mistreated. When presented with evidence he put his hands over his ears and shouted "LA LA LA LA LA, I can't hear you."

Ah, the overlords take the high road in the debate. That surprise you Eve?

Eve is a little goofy and playful. She is friendly and outgoing. She jumps around and pounces in a play stance for attention and love. She will also nuzzle in when the other dogs are getting attention. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I'm The Commander In Chief. Hey, Come Back Here

Ok, so we admit we were always at the tail end of the draft when it came to choosing up sides for a pickup game back in the day. And yes, those experiences hung with us, leading to inappropriate fashion choices, an inordinate affection for Science Fiction and a lack of awareness of the non-verbal messages we were sending by fixing our eye glasses with tape.

About the only thing that kept us coming out of the house in those years was the fact that even though we got picked late, we still beat Henry Botando, who, on top of all his other faults, had curly red hair.

We tell you this by way of providing some context to why we think we are about to invade Syria, or Iran, or Fiji, or Venezuela, or any dang place where we can kick some butt.

It's about yesterday when the president came before the Council on Foreign Relations to give a talk about our successes in Iraq. Both of them.

President Bush acknowledged that the multibillion-dollar reconstruction of Iraq has "been uneven" and hobbled by corruption, misplaced priorities and insurgent attacks. "But that aside, we've almost restored the power to Baghdad. Just give us another year or so."

"By learning from its mistakes," Bush said,
"the administration has...wait. We made mistakes? Why hasn't Dick told me about this?"

After sticking mainly to friendly military settings Bush chose a more skeptical audience in addressing the Council on Foreign Relations, a nonpartisan organization of diplomats, academics and journalists. "Don't worry, "said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The aide who set that up has already been fired."

Only a few hundred members showed up for the speech and empty chairs were removed from the back of the room before Bush arrived. "The president is beginning to get the idea that Iraq isn't going well, but he still thinks he's popular," said an aide who asked not to be named. "We were afraid the empty chairs and having to admit to problems in Iraq might be too much for him."

The audience interrupted Bush for applause only once during the speech and even then, many, if not most, did not clap. There was polite applause when he finished. "Yeah. We had to threaten some of those guys with a visit from the Vice President," said the aide.

Without ever using the words "mistake" or "error," Bush said the administration miscalculated by clearing insurgents out of a city and then moving onto another assignment, only to allow enemy forces to retake control. "We told them we were liberators," the president said. "They told us if we'd let them back in they'd organize a parade. In retrospect we determined they weren't telling the truth."

"That kind of proximity to reality will cause his bubble to burst," said Richard N. Haass, a former Bush State Department official. "Somebody will pay for this."

And hence, operation Restore Manliness. Are you listening, Bashar al-Assad?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Signpost On The March Of Democracy

If you'll excuse us for a moment we need to sit down. The room is spinning about and it has nothing to do with the flight of the Grey Goose. We just read this and have apparently become (temporarily we hope) disconnected from this space time continuum.

Secretary of State Condolezza Rice sought Wednesday to clarify U.S. policy on harsh interrogation methods, saying no U.S. personnel may use cruel or degrading practices at home or abroad.


The Bush administration has said the ban on cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment did not apply to Americans working overseas.


Asked if Rice had stated a new U.S. policy for the treatment of detainees abroad, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "It's existing policy." dizzy...

House and Senate negotiators are expected to include a ban on cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of foreign terrorism suspects in a final defense bill. The White House has threatened to veto any bill containing such a ban.


Separately, Rice delivered a rebuke to Russian President Vladimir Putin over a new law she said infringes on democracy. "Democracy is built, of course, on elections, it's built on principle, it's built on rule of law and freedom of speech," she said.


Rice's motorcade entered the Ukrainian capital Tuesday along the route where demonstrators set up a tent city last year and eventually helped force aside a Russian-allied presidential candidate. The United States played an important role in condemning a fraud-marred presidential vote and calling for a revote.


Monday, December 05, 2005

"Charity Encourages Idleness And The Poor Should Be Left To Die." E. Scrooge

While channel surfing this past weekend we had the misfortune to run across Bill O'Reilly (Motto: You must listen to the voices in my head). Before we could click away to the DIY channel for the special on grout we heard this: "Left-wing smear websites to go after anybody who stands up for Christmas."

Bill. Calm down. Take the red pill. If you're worried about Christmas being in trouble look no further than your own Congress.

Republican leaders in Congress are hoping to cut spending on student loans, Medicaid and other programs that don't support rich people before Christmas, though they may delay extending tax cuts for the wealthy until next year. "We figured what better time of year to cut off the poor, old and students than this," said House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert.

"We wanted to give our corporate overlords their tax break too," Added Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, "But they requested we wait until the next tax year so they would have more time to shelter the extra income."

Staff aides and lobbyists are excited about the prospects of finishing work on spending cuts of up to $50 billion. "If you're poor, or better, poor and old you've ridden the government gravy train long enough," said a staffer who asked not to be identified.

Senator Rick Santorum said he was "deeply committed to restraining spending on programs that unnecessarily prolong the health of those too sick or old to work. And that includes the handouts we've been giving to veterans too."

The centerpiece of the budget cut bill, is an attempt to strangle Medicaid and other benefit programs. "How long must we subsidize the health and well being of those too old or too poor to do it for themselves," Hastert said. "Those are not the values on which this country was founded."

As negotiations continue between the House and Senate on the spending cuts, House GOP leaders will press ahead to garner support for a bill to preserve the tax cuts favored by president Bush which are set to expire unless lawmakers extend them. "This is a potential national disaster," said indicted former majority whip Tom DeLay. "If we pull back the tax cuts we've given to the rich folks who put us in office, well, that's just not an America I want to live in."

Last month, the leaders put off an attempt to pass the tax bill because of resistance from lawmakers who were reluctant to vote for the cuts so quickly after approving reduced spending for Medicaid, food stamps and other programs aimed at the poor. "Yeah, we tried to move a little too quickly there, "said Senator Frist. "Who knew there were still some in congress with a shred of decency left?"

Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

The mark of any good business is diversification. You don't want all of your eggs in the same basket like say...oh...GM (motto: Buy our cars dammit). Even the overlords have figured out that if people with more than a third grade education can't be exploited by dog exploitation, they might be exploited by something else, like slots, or three card monty. But truly enterprising overlords have developed their own alternative income stream by selling drugs.

It worked so well in theory. High markup, low overhead, solid customer base. What could go wrong? Oh, that.

The New Hampshire-based ringleader of a major drug trafficking operation has pleaded guilty to charges he conspired to sell oxycodone and to launder money. Randall Noe faces up to 20 years in prison.

Noe and the other defendants laundered their money by gambling at the former Lakes Region Greyhound Park. "Well, the track people were our best customers," Noe told authorities. "It only made sense to clean the money there. Where else would paying for everything with one dollar bills not draw suspicion?"

True. If only he hadn't bought the new Mercedes with one dollar bills, right Jane?

Jane is gentle, confident, curious, friendly, and loving. She likes to give kisses. She is affectionate and likes to be the foster mom’s shadow. She plays with toys and likes to collect them. She likes to eat the stuffing if not monitored. She acts like “silly girl” and will roll on her back for attention. She likes to lay next the other grey and will inch over until she is touching her. She likes to look at the greyhound calendar in the home and wonders why the dog in the picture does not move. She likes to lean against you. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Will You Listen To Me? You're Losing And I'm Not Going To Tell You Again

Apparently the insurgents didn't catch the president's speech yesterday explaining why they were going to lose. Nor did they listen to his strategy for victory. And they obviously weren't paying attention when he announced the mission was accomplished.

Hundreds of gunmen attacked a US base in Ramadi, west of Baghdad, taking control of the town centre for some 45 minutes.

"At 9:30 am, a rocket-propelled grenade was fired at a joint US-Iraqi observation post," said US marines spokesman Captain Jeffrey Pool. "As of 2 pm there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city," he added.

US officers played down the scale of the assault. When asked what happened between 9:30 am and 2:00 pm, he replied, "Oh some stuff, you know. They drove around, shot up some buildings. Took over part of the city. No biggie."

US spokesman accused the insurgents of playing up the attack. "This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become," he said. "They attack us in broad daylight in the middle of a city instead of...umm...wait."

Residents reached by telephone said U.S. forces warned townspeople by loudspeakers to stay in their homes for the next three days. When asked why residents have been confined to their homes if the attacks are so minor, the spokesperson replied that it had nothing to do with the attacks. "We've got a big Christmas surprise for them and we don't want anyone getting an early look," explained a Marine Captain who did not want to be named.

The offensive came as president Bush said he hopes to shift more of the military burden onto the Iraqis as part of a strategy to draw down American forces. About 500 Iraqi troops joined 2,000 U.S. Marines, soldiers and sailors in a move to clear insurgents from an area on the eastern side of the Euphrates River.

When asked why four American military people were needed for every one Iraqi if balance was being shifted, Press Secretary Scott McClellan replied that the Iraqis were "sort of fat" and counted for more than one American. "It's really more like two to one," McClellan said. "If you count total poundage."