Friday, December 29, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

The end of the year. Always an introspective time here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Well, if by introspective you mean wondering why there is a person we don't know sleeping on the couch, or why the neighbors are giving us that look. Again.

We suspect the overlords also find this time of year one for quiet reflection as they look back over the waning year. It can't have been encouraging to watch more tracks close, more of their fellow overlords go to jail, or worse, Walmart, and more states move towards making their occupation illegal.

OK, it's not as bad as the year the thousands of dogs who died or were permantly injured had, but it's all relative right? Never a group to let reality get them down though, the overlords also look to the future and making 2007 a comeback year. How do they plan to put greyhound racing back in the black you ask? Why by abandoning it, of course.

Mardi Gras Casino at Hollywood Greyhound Track opened its Vegas-style slot machines Thursday. The casino holds 1,174 Vegas-style slot machines, including three A-List machines, Wheel of Fortune, Monte Carlo and Monopoly. "Over 1000 slots machines," said Dan Adkins, Chief Operating Officer at Hollywood Greyhound Racetrack. "Do you realize that's more people that we used to get out here in a month when we were just running the units?"

"I'm going to come back because I love it. It's a lot of fun," an early customer Maria Luz said. When asked if she planned to bet on any of the greyhound races she replied, "What greyhounds? They race busses out here?"

Yeah. They race busses. Looks like you got out just in time Bongo. 2007 is not shaping up to be the year of the greyhound.

For those of you keeping score at home, Bongo will be our last hound of the year, and by popular demand, (yes, we're looking at you mom) we're bringing back a feature we introduced last year in which we follow the year ending pooch from rescue to foster to permanent couch. So here's Bongo, aka Ruby's Bongo having just arrived at his foster home.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Uh oh. Looks like the overlords in Brough Park have stepped in it this time. Where's Tony Soprano when you need him.

Crime kingpin Grant McIntosh threatened to torch a dog track after being chucked out. The Paisley gangster waved a broken champagne bottle at stewards after his greyhound came last in a race.

OK, first of all, what 1940's Humphrey Bogart film did this reporter just see? "Crime kingpin?" And we really hope "Paisley" is a town or something because if it has to do with what he was just takes away from the whole gangster thing to be dressed up like a Ravi Shankar nightmare.

Millionaire McIntosh, known as Mr P because of his grip on his home town, was ejected from Newcastle's Brough Park last Tuesday night. The 45-year-old, who served time for drugs and violence, screamed at staff: "Do you know who I am? I'll burn this f****** place to the ground."

OK, we see the problem. This guy has too many goofy nicknames and not enough that got all the street cred if you get what we're saying. We mean, how frightened can you be of "Mr. P?" And what's with saying he'll burn down the track? Shouldn't his homies be doing stuff like that for him? He does have homies, doesn't he?

Track owners William Hill confirmed McIntosh had been thrown out. But a spokesman added: "He is welcome back because basically he's the only one that comes out here any more."

Yeah, well if you're running around in paisley trying to get all gangstery on the citizens who call you Mr. P, probably watching your dog come in last isn't the worst part of your day, huh Okie?

Okie is very resourceful, sweet, and quiet. He is shy until he gets to know you, but after he does, he will relax and enjoys cuddling. He is very active and playful when he is outside, but is very quiet when inside. As his name suggests, he has ½ a tail. Okie is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Okie needs a quiet home with well-mannered children 12 and up. He would be good in a working family home. He is good with other dogs, and would probably be happiest with another more confident dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Uh oh. Looks like the overlords in Brough Park have stepped in it this time. Where's Tony Soprano when you need him.

Crime kingpin Grant McIntosh threatened to torch a dog track after being chucked out. The Paisley gangster waved a broken champagne bottle at stewards after his greyhound came last in a race.

OK, first of all, what 1940's Humphrey Bogart film did this reporter just see? "Crime kingpin?" And we really hope "Paisley" is a town or something because if it has to do with what he was just takes away from the whole gangster thing to be dressed up like a Ravi Shankar nightmare.

Millionaire McIntosh, known as Mr P because of his grip on his home town, was ejected from Newcastle's Brough Park last Tuesday night. The 45-year-old, who served time for drugs and violence, screamed at staff: "Do you know who I am? I'll burn this f****** place to the ground."

OK, we see the problem. This guy has too many goofy nicknames and not enough that got all the street cred if you get what we're saying. We mean, how frightened can you be of "Mr. P?" And what's with saying he'll burn down the track? Shouldn't his homies be doing stuff like that for him? He does have homies, doesn't he?

Track owners William Hill confirmed McIntosh had been thrown out. But a spokesman added: "He is welcome back because basically he's the only one that comes out here any more."

Yeah, well if you're running around in paisley trying to get all gangstery on the citizens who call you Mr. P, probably watching your dog come in last isn't the worst part of your day, huh Okie?

Okie is very resourceful, sweet, and quiet. He is shy until he gets to know you, but after he does, he will relax and enjoys cuddling. He is very active and playful when he is outside, but is very quiet when inside. As his name suggests, he has ½ a tail. Okie is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Okie needs a quiet home with well-mannered children 12 and up. He would be good in a working family home. He is good with other dogs, and would probably be happiest with another more confident dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

We Were Against Being Stupid Before We Were For It

OK, right now you're thinking how could the president even remotely consider adding more troops to the train wreck he created in Iraq. That shows how little you know about military strategy. Also, apparently how little the generals in Iraq know.

Until recently, the top ground commander in Iraq, General George W. Casey Jr., has argued that sending more American forces into Baghdad and Anbar Province, the two most violent regions of Iraq, would increase the Iraqi dependency on Washington, and in the words of one senior official, “make this feel more like an occupation.”

"But all that changed when the president made it to level three on World of Warcraft," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "It's a masterful strategy when you think about it," Snowjob told reporters. "Just when the rest of the world thinks that reality is breaking through, he does something so totally off the wall that, well the man's brilliance just leaves me breathless."

“Nobody has decided anything yet,” cautioned a pentagon spokesperson. “We are still giving the president fish oil and have increased his Vinpocetine suppliments.”

Over the past two weeks, Mr. Bush has appeared at odds with the generals in some of his comments, as the White House veered toward strategies that involve a greater show of force and some members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff questioned whether a “surge” in forces would make a lasting difference. "Well, depends on your definiiton of 'lasting,'" Snowjob said. "'Lasting until the end of this administration? Sure. Beyond that we don't really care."

General Casey, suggested that he was not actively lobbying for it. At the same time, he indicated that he was not adamantly opposed to it. “Additional troops have to be for a purpose,” the general said. “I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea, of more American troops here, but they need to help us progress toward our strategic objectives. Actually, though, when you think about it, probably would be a good idea to get some strategic objectives first, huh?”

Politically, winning the support of American generals for the additional troops is crucial to Mr. Bush if he hopes to make the increase part of the new strategy he is expected to announce in early January. "Well, technically the president could just order them to agree with him like he's been doing since the war started."

The key to any new strategy, some officials said, would be a binding commitment by the Iraqi government that it would provide far more troops as well. "The problem for the Iraqis is that most of their troops are already in the militias so they aren't available for the army." said a pentagon spokesperson.

Lt. Gen. Martin Dempsey, who oversees the training of Iraq’s security forces, said this week that he was overhauling his training efforts so that Iraqi Army units would be easier to deploy, including providing more pay. "We'll get them to the action faster, and some of them will even have guns," he said.

“We’ve got two or three brigade headquarters and six additional battalions that are scheduled now over the next couple of months to come to Baghdad,” he said. An Iraqi battalion nominally has more than 700 soldiers, but the actual number is often far less, since many soldiers are on scheduled leaves or absent without leave.

When asked how large the AWOL problem was in the Iraqi army, a spokesperson for central command explained that since most Iraqi army recruits were actually on leave from their militias, they often had to leave their army post for training with thier militia unit. "

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

This Is Just Too...Umm...Goode To Pass Up

What is it with Virginia? (motto: We care more about your pants than you do). We mean, if they aren't trying to pass a Christians Rule bill, or elect a senator who is a walking thesaurus of racially derogatory terms, they're getting all up in Minnesota's face for electing someone who manifests neither of the two most important characteristics for public service in a democratic society, namely being white and Christian.

Representative Virgil H. Goode Jr., a Virginia Republican, stood by his demand for a racial purity test that he said would prevent Muslims from being elected to Congress and using the Quran during swearing-in ceremonies.

OK, first of all the guy's name is Virgil. Virgil Goode. We could stop right here couldn't we?

"I do not apologize and I do not retract my letter," Goode said, "I am a fully certified 100% American bonehead and I am for restricting immigration so that we don't have a majority of Muslims elected to the House of Representatives. They're all brown you know. And don't give me that 'Ellison's not an immigrant' hooey either. We're all immigrants or son's a daughters of immigrants. This is a country founded by immigrants, many of whom came here to escape intolerance and religious persecution. The diversity, imagination, and creativity that immigrants have contributed to America is one of the things that makes her great. Why, when it gets right down to it America owes her greatness to....Umm...I think I've lost my point."

Goode said that he wrote the letter in response to constituents who e-mailed him about Ellison's decision to use the Quran. In the letter, he said his own individual ceremony would be different. "People said, 'Virg.' That's what they call me in my district. They said 'Virg, we hear there's a brown man been elected by them yankees, and he's about to swear an oath on one of them heathen books, the Kubla Kahn or something. '"

Well, that's when I came up with the Virgil Goode position on immigration. See, I call it the Virgil Goode position on immigration because that's my name. Goode said he favored halting illegal immigration and strictly curtailing legal immigration. "And that's just phase one. After we stop them from coming here in the first place, then we can begin to send the ones who are here back to Arabistan or wherever."

"I fear," he wrote, "that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States. Either that or catholics.

"When I raise my hand to take the oath on swearing-in day, I will have the Bible in my other hand," Goode wrote. "I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way." When it was pointed out to him that, since he wasn't a Muslim, no one would expect him to swear an oath on the Quran, Goode replied that it didn't matter what religion you were "as long as the bible is your holy book."

An RNC spokeswoman said the committee had nothing to say about the issue. Neither outgoing House Speaker Dennis Hastert, an Illinois Republican, nor his staff was available for comment. "Look, we lost our first team of idiots when Santorum, Burns, and DeWine lost, and DeLay went down. This guy's a second stringer at best," the spokeswoman said.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Travelling today. Trying to avoid scruntiny from TSA which we are told stand for Thousands Standing Around.

Travel Tip: Stoli is a liquid. Offering to share doesn't help. Enjoy the Hound:

Dillon is very affectionate, friendly and loving towards the entire family. He approaches for pets, hugs, scratches and basically any activity that includes touching him. Dillon was previously used as a blood donor. Dillon would do well in a working family home with teenage children or no children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be okay as an only dog. Dillon has some space issues, so he should not be disturbed when lying down. A dog savvy family is preferred. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Hounds Home for The Holidays

Here's a little bit of ironicus for you. The overlords are breaking the law, but the greyhounds are going to jail.

Twenty-four rescued greyhounds have found a good home in an unlikely place - prison.

A program at the Lakeland Correctional Facility in Coldwater, Michigan is the first of its kind in the state.

Behind the fences and the razor wire, thousands of prisoners serve their sentences here. It's an experience that can be more intimidating than inspirational.

Inside, 34-year-old Christopher Glover-Bey is firm and disciplined with his greyhound, Rachel. But he's also playful and caring.

"Rachel is a dog that wants to be with you," says Glover-Bey. "So when she wants to be with you, you have to look out for her and do the things you want to do with her."

Love, responsibility and dedication aren't necessarily what Glover-Bey thought he'd learn in prison. Then he joined the "Second Chance at Life" program.

The program pairs prisoners with retired racing greyhounds - dogs that would otherwise be put down - and aims to turn both lives around.

"I wanted to do something to help me as well as the dogs," Glover-Bey said. "Because the dogs are in the same predicament we are in. I want someone to help me, give me a second chance at life, too."

Warden Carol Howes says she witnessed a big improvement in both, the men and the dogs, since the program started in August. "The prisoners have to learn how to be dog handlers, groomers. They have to clean up after their dogs. They learn some great parenting skills by working with these dogs."

The greyhounds rehabilitated here are adopted out to good homes.

It's amazing that no matter where you go you make things better, too bad the overlords missed that aspect if your character huh Flip?

Flip is a young, friendly, happy boy that likes to play with toys and with other dogs. He is affectionate; he gives kisses and likes to have his ears rubbed. Flip would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably do best in a home with another playful dog or with a family that will exercise him regularly. Flip is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hounds Home For The Holidays

Continuing on with a long standing tradition here at IM Central that we made up last year, we offer another installment of Hounds Home For The Holidays in which we expand our regular Friday Hound Blogging feature in the hopes that we can find a few more couches for a few more hounds.

And not a moment too soon either, for as we wrote a while back, this is a pretty dangerous time to be a greyhound that isn't pleasing its particular overlord. Looks like, unfortunately, we were right.

The Arizona Department of Racing has revoked the license and banned for life Colorado greyhound hauler Rick Favreau because of his role in the disappearance of more than 140 dogs from Tucson Greyhound Park.

Between November 2005 and July 2006, Favreau hauled more than 140 dogs from Tucson Greyhound Park.

Authorities say Favreau and track management agreed he would haul the dogs, for 150 dollars each, to his land in Calhoun, Colorado. From there they would be distributed to adoption agencies.

However, most of the dogs have disappeared.

Racing Department Director Geoffrey Gonsher says they assume the animals may have been killed for profit.

"Killed for profit."

These "people" are truly empty of soul, heartless, and something less than fully human. They suck their meager living from the noble spirit of these dogs, who give them everything, as dogs will do, and when they have nothing left to give, these cold, calculating cretins, masquerading as human beings toss them away like trash and expect those of us who suffer from the defect of compassion to clean up their mess by adopting.

Or, like Favreau, they take them out into the desert and shoot them.

There are no words for depravity this obscene, but there is hope. Every greyhound that gets adopted becomes another nail in the overlord's coffin, another step to a day no greyhounds will die when the speed in their body no longer matches the courage in their hearts, because the more people who take these gentle, loving dogs into their homes as companions, the more people will speak out against their senseless murder.

Willie is really laid back and mellow. Willie loves affection and loves to lie around. He’ll put his head in your lap and the front paws will go up on your lap and then the front paws will go on to your shoulders for a hug. He’s not really playful, as he hasn’t learned to play yet. He’s a real Velcro dog. Willie he a very mellow kind of guy. He seeks affection from everyone. Willie does well with other dogs, but he likes a lot of attention, so he would probably be okay as an only dog. He would be okay with a working family with well-mannered children, 8 and up, as long as there was attention when they got home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

And We're Not Buying That Medical Marijuana Stuff Either

Oh Yeah Baby! It's On Now and all we can say here at IM Central is it's about time we had some wild eyed, spit flecked, table pounding, turn and face the crazy, love it or leave it, full volume I'M JUST SAYING up in here!

America won't win another war until the 1960s flower children are pushing up petunias. Not that it will keep us from trying, but whatever, DIE YOU FILTHY HIPPIES AND TAKE YOUR ROCK AND ROLL DEVIL MUSIC WITH YOU!

Tell it Sista! Oh wait. That's what the hippies say. Well, hippies and black people. Not that there's a whole lot of difference.

Radicalized, the flower children morphed into lefty loonies who now masquerade as social progressives. And we all know what "Progressive" means. Remember the "Freedom Riders?" We all know how that turned out. Remember the "Social Gospel Movement?" Another disaster. And who can forget "Women's Suffrage?" OK I may have gone too far there.

Consider their continued belief that America's armed forces are neo-Nazi stormtroopers who delight in burning babies to further the aims of imperialistic corporations. Now, I have no idea who actually thinks that way, and no proof to offer that these opinions actually exist outside of the voices in my head, but that doesn't matter because it denigrates the patriotic values and sincerity of half the nation. So now I have conclusively proven using Aristotelian logic and irrefutable statistical evidence that YOU ARE STINKING, AMERICA HATING HIPPIES AND SHOULD JUST DIE SO THE VAST MAJORITY OF US CAN LISTEN TO TOBY KEITH IN PEACE.

To renounce their military fictions would mean facing bigger, more important truths: Marxism doesn't work (Or at least it better not, or I"ll have to give up my maid service). Love is not all you need (Talk about naive) . Western culture is worth defending because it protects freedom, tolerance (And I can say that with a totally straight face. Totally. Because I'm really drunk right now) and the greatest material good for the greatest number. (As long as that number is rich and white) Government can't solve every problem because, hey, rich white people don't have problems. The American taxpayer has no obligation to support the rest of the world's exploding population because we're busy not supporting our own population, particularly the soldiers who are fighting for my right to drive an SUV...erm...Freedom, my freedom.

Without the military-industrial complex to blame for humanity's ills, the lefty loonies lose their basis for faith in a socialist utopia. Terrorism is tortuous for them only because it forces them to pursue the political goals that will allow them to redistribute America's wealth by pulling the nation together and relying on the hated military for protection.

And before you get all up on your high horse about that paragraph, of course it doesn't make any sense. I told you I was really drunk.

The truth is that there is no way out of our modern warfare dilemmas except diplomacy, and who wants that? Is it possible to protect non-combatants, given modern weaponry in total war? And why should we care if most of those non-combatants are brown? Are people who make weapons innocent citizens of their warring governments, or integral non-uniformed soldiers and legitimate targets? What about the innocent family in the house next door?

OK, in case you're wondering the answer to all these questions is yes. Or maybe no. I've lost my train of thought. But who cares because we will have war with Iran and North Korea. It will come down to their children or ours, their soldiers or ours, their countries or ours. So those of you who don't want your children to be soldiers and your country to be a war zone TAKE YOUR SISSY TREE HUGGING ASS UP TO CANADA AND LEAVE AMERICA TO THOSE OF US WITH THE GUTS TO DESTROY IT FOR THE SAKE OF FREEDOM, JUSTICE, TOLERANCE AND ALL THAT OTHER CRAP THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE SO GUNG HO ABOUT.

For aging hippies, it's easier to keep blaming old enemies than to confront new ones. Their BAWL (Buddha-Allah-Wicca-Lenin) is better than some old Judeo-Christian God. And yeah, I know Lenin wasn't a god, but you try coming up with some spiffy acronym after three martinis.

In their heart of hearts, lefty loonies do want America to lose in Iraq and every military theater. They want outside enemies to accomplish quickly the demolition of American capitalism, using the violence the lefty loonies are too old, too scared and too well-invested to use. See, because if youy follow my irrefutable logic, the hippies abhor violence except that which is directed at them WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE THE CAGE RAISED QUAIL CHENEY LIKES TO "HUNT."

Luckily, no one lives forever. Luckily, there is Generation Jones to take up their slack. America is too great to go down without a fight. And yeah, I probably could have come up with something a little more sexy than "Generation Jones," but I shot my wad with BAWL and I'm just filling out my column space now.

Yet, please be compassionate toward aging, albeit dangerous, erstwhile flower folks unless you can get away with pushing them down the stairs or in front of a bus.

Monday, December 18, 2006

It's Not Just Nuclear Proliferation, It's The Law

Now, political science wasn't our major in college. Come to think of it, we're not sure what our major was. Guess we'll have to go look at the diploma. We did get a diploma, didn't we? We know we were asked to leave, but we just assumed it was because we had finished our courses.

Oh well, no matter. The point is that we remember this from last July: Bush administration officials lobbied Congress and tried to assure allies that a new deal to supply India with civilian nuclear technology and conventional military equipment was not meant to betray decades of nuclear-control policies or upset the regional balance of power. "Trust me on this," the president said. "I know what I'm doing."

Yeah, right we thought at the time. Let's stop the spead of nuclear technology by spreading nuclear technology. Who would be dumb enough to go for something like that? Then this morning we read this: president Bush signed a civilian nuclear deal with India, allowing fuel and know-how to be shipped to the world's largest democracy even though it has not submitted to full international inspections.

Wait a minute. Signed a deal? You mean like a bill? A bill passed by Congress? The Congress that's supposed to be all like checks and balances and stuff? "The bill will help keep America safe by paving the way for India to join the global effort to stop the spread of nuclear weapons," Bush said. "Well, unless they decide to spread nuclear weapons that is, but I'm keeping a good thought. Heck we can win in Iraq, why shouldn't this work?"

Hold on. Isn't there supposed to be do you call it...debate and stuff before a bill gets passed? "That's pre 9/11 thinking," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. When asked how providing India with more nuclear materials and technology would reduce the spread of nuclear materials and technology, Snowjob responded that it was "a complicated New Math equation, and if I have to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand."

"This is an important achievement for my belief in Armageddon. After 30 years outside the system, India still hasn't signed the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty and will now operate its civilian nuclear energy program with American technology and know how. The world is going to be safer as a result," Bush said. "They won't let us near their military stuff, but that's OK because Singh assured me the civilian and military guys won't talk to one another. Can't even exchange phone numbers. Now is that oversight or what?"

Representative Ed Markey, D- Critical Mass, a senior Democrat on the House Energy and Commerce Committee, said the pact, in effect, shreds the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. "This is a sad day in the history of efforts to preserve the planet for our grandchildren without making them glow in the dark," he said. "The bill that President Bush has signed today may well become the death warrant to the international nuclear nonproliferation regime. But, heck, at this point in his administration he's probably pretty used to signing death warrants."

The White House said India was unique because it had protected its nuclear technology and not been a proliferator. "India's not the proliferator, I'm the proliferator," Bush said. "No, wait. I'm the decider."

The administration also argued the deal also could be a boon for American companies that have been barred from selling reactors and material to India. "India's economy has more than doubled its size since 1991 and it is one of the fastest-growing markets for American exports," Bush said. "Of course if we blow up the world, that will definitely cut into market share, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said India would not accept new conditions and its nuclear weapons program would not be subject to interference of any kind because the agreement with the United States dealt with civil nuclear cooperation. "Look, we're finally going to get what we need to blow the crap out of those Pakistani bozos, take back Kashmir and maybe the whole sub continent thanks to the Americans. It's what I call a win win."

The two countries must now obtain an exception for India in the rules of the Nuclear Suppliers Group, an assembly of nations that export nuclear material. Indian officials must also negotiate a safeguard agreement with the IAEA. "Nobody told me about that," Bush said. "Is that like a hall pass or something? I used to get those all the time. Do I need a note form Dad?"

Friday, December 15, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Boy Howdy, them overlords sure got Teh Mad Bidniss Skillz. A while back we told you about the group of geniuses in Iowa who were trying to force the state to let them reopen a greyhound track that had gone out of business.

As they said at the time, the National Cattle Congress closed the Waterloo Greyhound Park in 1996 after financial troubles. The NCC is now is suing the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission for denying its application to reopen. "It's our position that they are denying it because we won't make any money," said NCC Board President Wally Mochal. "That's not their entitlement. This is America and if you can't be stupid here, where can you be stupid?"

Right on Bro. Well, that case is still working its way through the judicial system and tutors have been hired to help the overlords learn about negative numbers. We think it might be easier just to have them talk to these guys though.

Gulf Greyhound Park officials, who say they’re struggling to make ends meet, will go before state regulators in Austin today asking to significantly reduce the number of races offered at the track. "It's pretty discouraging when you have more dogs running than there are people in the stands," said track General manager Sally Briggs. "On the bright side though, at least the dogs aren't drunk."

In a Nov. 27 letter to the commission’s executive secretary, Charla Ann King, Briggs said proposals by the commission to increase race-day fees, along with a new yearly license fee, would cause more problems for the track.

“I am at a complete loss as to how the Texas Racing Commission thinks greyhound racing is anything other than a way for us to avoid having to get real jobs,” Briggs wrote in the letter. "Do you really want me parking your car at a restaurant, or greeting you when you come to Walmart?"

In a Nov. 27 letter to the commission’s executive secretary, Charla Ann King, Briggs said proposals by the commission to increase race-day fees, along with a new yearly license fee, would cause more problems for the track.

Briggs did not make information about the track’s revenues, losses or attendance available this week. But information provided by La Marque city officials showed a continued slide in attendance. "We asked that flyers be placed in with welfare and social security checks," Brigss said. "But the Commission was all like 'Oh, we can't take advantage of old and poor people.' Baloney. We take advantage of the dogs. We can handle people too.

The track has made efforts to cut costs, including closing the fourth-floor Horizon Clubhouse, which accommodated about 1,800 people. Two years ago, the track also closed the second floor on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. “I’m proud to say that we have never laid anyone off,” Briggs said. "Of course we haven't paid anyone in about three months, but they still have a job."

Well, fair's fair. They didn't pay you either, did they Kendra?

Kendra is very sweet, easygoing and very gentle. She follows her foster family around the house and puts her head on your lap or just watches you. She likes to be with near her family, but is not clingy. If the foster mom is away for a while she will get up to look to see where she is. She likes to sit on her bed and watch her family. Kendra very gently carries the toys around and will lay with them. She also brings the toys to her foster family. She especially likes the smaller toys. She was in another foster home for a day and she took an ornament off the tree and took it to the foster mom. She likes to chase whatever you throw; she doesn’t bring it back, she just looks at it and comes back to you. She has really crooked ears which are really cute. Kendra would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

And To Show Our Appreciation We'll Validate your Parking

Hey Rummy, Now that you've eviscerated the military, set American foreign policy back 50 years and left a debt our grand children's grandchildren will still be paying off, what's next?

"I'm going to Disney World. Heck, I been living in a fantasy for the last six years, why stop now?"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," quoth the Bard. Of course he didn't know Rummy.

Donald Rumsfeld, once famous for his combative news conferences, and his 1950's Father Knows Best vocabulary, has chosen to limit his media contacts to friendly audiences in his final days as defense secretary. "Today's press representatives will be from the Kazakhstan Daily Tribune, and of course, Jeff Gannon," announced an aide to Rumsfeld. "Tomorrow, we'll invite...well, those two just about do it for print. Hey Bill, call Fox and see who's not in rehab. We need some invites for the Secretary."

When the Kazakhstani reporter asked Rumsfeld what he thought his greatest accomplishment was he replied when People Magazine had named him sexist man in the administration. "Cheney's still hot about that one," the Secretary told the reporter. By that time Gannon had wandered away after a page, so the press conference was ended.

Rumsfeld had a history of contentious relations with the press. As the Iraq war became increasingly unpopular, with Rumsfeld a symbol of the conflict, he cut back on news conferences. "They act like the war's going badly," he told an aide at the time. "It's just harshing my mellow."

"Why do we have to keep going through this?" he once declared with exasperation when asked if he took responsibility for what had gone wrong in Iraq."Of course I bear responsibility. My lord, I'm secretary of defense. Write it down. Quote it. You can bank it. Am I going to do anything about it? No chance."

Rumsfeld has not held a single news conference since president Bush announced he was firing the Secretary on November 8, and he did not take any of the Pentagon press corps on a farewell visit to Iraq last weekend. "The Secretary feels his dismissal is the fault of the press reporting too much bad news from Iraq," an aide said on condition of anonymity.

Normally about a dozen reporters would travel with Rumsfeld on a publicly funded visit to a war zone at the center of public attention. Instead, Rumsfeld took only outspoken conservative talk show host Sean Hannity and his Fox News television crew. "Well, in the Secretary's defense, Hannity's nose was so far up his butt that it would have required a team of surgeons to get it out before the trip," said a Pentagon spokesperson.

A couple of days before his trip, he was interviewed by conservative columnist Cal Thomas. On Tuesday, he was a guest on conservative talk radio host Laura Ingraham's program. He had another Fox News interview on his schedule for Thursday. "It's really hard to find reporter who share Rumsfeld's view," said an aide. "So when we do we have to take advantage."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Meet The New Plan. Same As The Old Plan

Hey, say what you will about our president, the man can take a hint. First the whole world hates him, then country hates him, then the election throws his party out of office, then his own party hates him. "Is there a problem," says he? "Why didn't you just say so?

With over 2,900 U.S. troops killed in Iraq, dissatisfaction with the president's handling of the war is at an all-time high. Democrats take control of Congress on Jan. 4 because of midterm elections that turned in large part on that issue. "The president is in meetings with advisers from all relevant areas," said a White House spokesperson. "We figure within a week or two we should have a way to blame this on Clinton."

President Bush wrapped up consultations with leaders of various political factions amid separate talks with top-ranking U.S. military officers. "I learned a lot not listening to these people I didn't listen to four years ago," Bush said. "They're a bunch of them there, what dya callit...experts and stuff. I really impressed them when I did one of my old Yale cheers."

Bush was also scheduled to visit the Pentagon to hold discussions with senior officials there. "I like going over there," he told aides. "Everybody wears uniforms and calls me 'sir.' They like my cheers too."

In discussions with field commanders, Bush heard General John Abizaid, top U.S. commander in the Middle East, and General George Casey, the top general in Iraq, ask the administration to pour increased funding into more armored vehicles, body armor and other critical equipment for the Iraqis. "They told me that if we were going to give what's left of the country back to the Iraqis, we had to give them guns and stuff so they could kill each other better and give us time to sneak out while no one was looking," Bush said.

Abizaid has told the Senate Armed Services Committee that troop levels in Iraq need to stay fairly stable and the use of military adviser teams expanded. About 140,000 U.S. troops and about 5,000 advisers are in Iraq. "We figure if we expand the 'advisers' to about two or three hundred thousand, and equip them with all the tanks and cannons and bombs and stuff they need for 'training purposes' we should be able to wrap this thing up in about half the time it took us to screw the pooch in Viet Nam. But probably with about the same number of casualties."

Iraqi leaders, meanwhile, presented Bush with a plan for their troops to assume primary responsibility for security in Baghdad early next year and that U.S. troops be shifted to the capital's periphery. "We feel we are capable of failing to stop bombings, revenge killings, ethnic cleansing and outright criminality as well as the Americans have been unable to stop them," said Iraqi President Jalal Talabani.

Bush's discussions across Iraq's ethnic and religious lines come as major partners in the country's governing coalition are in behind-the-scenes talks to form a new parliamentary bloc. There is discontent in Iraq and within the Bush administration over Prime Minister al-Maliki's failure to rein in Shiite militias and quell raging violence. "We got 140,000 combat troops in there and they can't touch the violence," said an unnamed White House aide. "So we get al-Maliki elected and he's like even more ineffective than our troops. What a 'tard."

The White House has tried to maintain distance from the political storm brewing inside Iraq, also from the storm of violence sweeping the country, the storm of lawlessness, and even the thunder storm over west Bagdhad last Tuesday. "You can't blame the weather on us," White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob told reporters.

Bush's latest attempt to find a clue came in the wake of last week's blistering review in the Iraq Study Group report. The panel recommended that Bush be given a battery of psychological and intelligence tests by early 2008. It also called for an energetic effort to seek a diplomatic solution to Iraq's violence by engaging its neighbors, including Iran and Syria.

Bush has been cool to both ideas. "And that's probably the only time you will ever hear the words 'Bush' and 'cool' in the same sentence, "Snowjob said.

Explaining the delay in unveiling his own new war blueprint, Snow said Tuesday the president "generally knows what direction he wants to move in" on Iraq but was concerned about how writing a new speech this close to the holidays might interfere with his vacation. "Can't be late to the baby Jesus' birthday party," Snowjob told reporters.

Snowjob also said the president wanted more information from his advisers about the ramifications for the U.S. military, Iraq's internal politics, regional relations and other matters. "But that's just because 'ramification' was on his Word-a-Day calendar last week."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The old dog barks backward without getting up/I can remember when he was a pup (Robert Frost)

Regular readers of this blog (Hi Mom!) will know that we are quite the fans of skinny dogs around IM Central. Truth be told just about any old dog will do though, even if they happen to be a breed that's not mentioned in Shakespeare.

Which is why we direct your attention over to the right for the newest addition to the list of suspect bloggers, Creek Running North. This is the blog of Chris Clarke, and while it isn't exclusively about dogs, we bring it to you now because Chris faces the challenge all of us who have given our hearts to those with wet noses and loose morals face: How to say good bye to a good friend.

Chris does it with grace, candor and courage that befits his dying friend.

h/t to PZ who said, "It's a strange thing to care about a dog I never met."

Not really, PZ, not really.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Obama? Isn't That The Guy We're Trying To Kill?

OK, truth be told we're not always paying attention--even on the rare occasions when we are sober, so this whole Obama for president thing has really caught us off guard. First because we thought the election was, like two years away, and second because...well...because the media has been telling us that they have already decided that Hillary would be the president next. Maybe we missed a memo or something.

Senator Barack Obama (D-I'm The Black RFK Be Otch) says he may have to overcome questions about his inexperience, stereotypes about his race and even a middle name that reminds Americans of Iraq's former dictator. Despite all that, he received plenty of encouragement to enter the presidential race during an initial trip to this pivotal campaign state. "He's dreamy," said one political observer. "Plus he, like, can talk and stuff."

"Obama's inexperience is being seen as less and less of a liability. He won't have a series of Senate votes to hold against him," said one political insider. "Nothing helps a candidacy more than not having anyone know where you stand on the issues. Besides, he's dreamy."

History teacher and Democrat Mark Bingham met Obama and said that despite his inexperience, he could rank among presidents named Lincoln and Kennedy. Bingham told the senator. "And I don't mean the assassination part."

Obama said he is still "running things by ma dawgs" as he considers whether to join a field of Democrats which will include Hillary Clinton (D-Ice Queen). "Senator Clinton encourages the competition," said an aide to the junior Senator from New York. "She also encourages Senator Obama to be careful crossing streets and going down stairs. Flying can be dangerous too."

He attracted screaming crowds of middle aged women who wet themselves everywhere he went in New Hampshire. He drew 1,500 Democrats to a state Democratic Party fundraiser and several hundred more at a book signing. Organizers of both events had to turn away many others. "We don't see many black people up here in New Hampshire," said one attendee. "Not without them being in police custody that is."

Obama recognized there has been "a little fuss" over his possible candidacy, but said he thinks the excitement reflects voters' desire for "a big ol' handsome black Adonis," he told the crowd who roared their delight. Three women in the audience fainted and two were arrested for throwing underwear on the stage.

Obama tried to turn his inexperience into an asset compared with other candidates who have been governing for much longer, although he didn't mention any rivals by name. "They're all a bunch of wrinkly old white people," he told reporters.

Senator Evan Bayh (D-Who'm I Kidding) filled a small room at a Manchester conference center but wasn't near the draw as Obama on his first trip. Bayh said he wasn't intimidated by the Obama mania as he talked to voters one-on-one. "I'm doing the things that matter in New Hampshire," Bayh said. "Plus I'm not wrinkly."

Friday, December 08, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Well the day is rapidly approaching, and in the spirit of the season we here at IM Central , having as much good cheer as the next person, if the next person is spiking the egg nog with copious amounts of Stoli, have decided to take a week off of bringing you the latest news from the wacky world of the overlords and instead share with you this heart warming story of love, loss, redemption and happiness so apropos of the times.

OK, it's not about love, loss, redemption and happiness, but it's still a neat story, reproduced in its entirety below:

A Greyhound dog has saved the life of an elderly man from South Carolina

Grace the greyhound who's life was rescued from racing by Pam and Alan Burton of South Carolina, has now returned the favour, saving the life of an elderly man who lived near the Burton's home.

Ronnie Principato, 70, of North Myrtle Beach, was retrieving Christmas lights from his garage attic at his home Nov. 10 when he blacked out.

"I fell, and if it wasn't for the dog, I would be dead by now," he said.

Pam Burton said she and Grace roam the neighbourhood for fun and exercise three or four times a day in whatever direction the dog leads.

"She wanted to go that way that day," Burton recalled.

Grace, a 4-year-old greyhound the Burton's adopted in 2005, insisted on pulling Burton toward Principato's open garage door. They found Principato, who suffers from diabetes, lying unconscious in a pool of blood.

Alan Burton called 911 and rescue crews quickly arranged Principato's airlift to Medical University of South Carolina.

Principato's wife of 41 years, Connie, was supported by friends and neighbours who drove her to Charleston that night as her husband was stabilized.

"Thank God for the dog, for the family and for the neighbours," Ronnie Principato said later with 20 stitches in his head.

Connie said she had gone Christmas shopping and that her husband was gathering strings of lights to help with the homeowners' association decorations.

"I had told my husband to wait until I got home," she recalled.

The Burtons adopted Grace through Greyhound Crossroads, based in Chappells, near Greenwood South Carolina. The group places retired racers in homes in and around the state.

According to the Greyhound Pets of America, more than 18,000 retired racing dogs get a new lease on life as family pets each year.

Dr. Randy Werkhoven, chief of staff at Waccamaw Regional Veterinary Center in Conway, has researched dogs for many years.

He said Grace's story is extraordinary because greyhounds are sight, not scent, dogs. They are able to see a small moving object a half-mile away, but aren't known for their "sniffing-out" abilities like some other breeds.

Werkhoven said each dog possesses 120 million to 220 million olfactory cells in body tissue vs. 5 million in a human's, increasing the sensitivity of a dog's five senses.

When a dog sniffs the air, "they get chemical messages coming to them from hundreds of feet to hundreds of yards or further, maybe miles. It's telling them about their environment that they can't see," he said.

"We're seeing more and more greyhounds because of rescue groups, " Werkhoven added. "They're very nice pets. One of the things they're known for is sleeping."

On their walks, Pam Burton had always exchanged pleasantries with the Principatos, who retired to their street from suburban Philadelphia.

"We just said 'Hello,' that's all," she said, noting the incident had brought her family closer to the neighbours.

"We need to look after our neighbours. I truly think the Holy Spirit sent Gracie and me that way."

"Holy Spirit" was the name of Principato's cat, right Luster?

Luster is friendly, happy, playful, and energetic for a greyhound. She is a little shy around new people but will warm up after a little time. She is very funny! As if the missing teeth aren't enough, she has a tremendous overbite! Her lower jaw is nearly an inch shorter that her upper resulting in always been able to see her front few teeth on top. She kind of resembles a gopher when she's sniffing the air. She LOVES soft chew toys and found the corner where her foster family keeps them within 2 hours of arriving... now they're in a pile around the bed she chose. For being older, she is very spry; she plays in short bursts and is affectionate. She enjoys playing with toys and will steal the folded socks and hide them in her crate. Luster would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is okay with other dogs, but would prefer if there not be too many dogs in the home. She would also prefer the other dogs to be average to larger size, but might be fine with only one other smaller dog in the home. She would probably prefer to have another dog to keep her company when the family is away. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

OK. Who Are You And What Have You Done With The President?

Yeah. Right. Like we're supposed to believe this.

President Bush said that a new approach was required on Iraq. "I believe we need a new approach," Bush said during a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

When asked what he thought that 'approach' might be, the president responded, "I believe we need a new approach."

Repeated questioning by reporters failed to elicit any other response from the president leading them to speculate his radio link with vice president Cheney was not operating correctly. It was also determined after the news conference that the figure of Tony Blair was actually a life sized cut out, but reporters had suspected that for several years.

The vice president's office subsequently issued a statement that claimed the president wasn't actually at the news conference at all, but had been represented by one of his doubles, used to fool terrorists. "The guy just got carried away," a spokesperson for the vice president said. "You have to expect that when you only pay minimum wage."

Later, a man resembling the president was seen going into the Chuck E Cheese on Lincoln and 4th streets.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

On Second Thought, Maybe This Isn't Such A Good Idea

We're as happy as anyone else to see our tax dollars working feverishly for the betterment of all mankind, and while at first we applauded the new "Let's work for a living" philosophy of the incoming Congress, upon further reflection, we really wonder if the country isn't better off with politicians out diddling the pages, golfing, or stuffing their houses with antiques and works of art.

Steny Hoyer the Maryland Democrat who will become House majority leader is writing the schedule for the next Congress, told members they should expect longer hours than the brief week they have grown accustomed to. "And we'll expect you to be sober too," Hoyer added. "I'm looking at you Hastert."

For lawmakers, it is quite a change, compared with what they have come to expect. For much of this election year, the legislative week started late Tuesday and ended by Tuesday night -- and that was during the relatively few weeks the House wasn't in rehab. "What the heck did I get elected for," asked Representative Jack Kingston (R-Cracker). "If I wanted to work in Washington, I would have moved here."

Next year, members of the House will be expected in the Capitol for drug screenings each week by 6:30 p.m. Monday and will meet with their probation officers about 2 p.m. Friday. "I don't like it any more than you do," Hoyer said. "But it's the only way we can keep Ferguson out of jail."

By the time the gavel comes down on the 109th Congress on Friday, members will have worked a total of 103 days. That's seven days fewer than the infamous "Do-Nothing Congress" of 1948. "I don't know how you can call us 'do nothing,'" outgoing Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-I See Nothing) said. "After all, we got a war going badly, the Constitution's a shambles, the deficit's through the roof, the gulf coast is still a third world country and we've thrown a whole generation in a donut hole. If that's nothing, then I'm a fat old has been with attention deficit disorder. Wait, let me rephrase that."

Hoyer said members need to spend more time in the Capitol to avoid voters and interfere with federal agencies. "We are going to meet sufficient times, so the committees can do their jobs on behalf of our lobbyists," A reporter asked if it wasn't better for the country to keep Congress away from the legislative apparatus.

"Look, do you really want politicians wandering around your neighborhood with nothing to do?" Hoyer asked. "Do you really want them that close to your loved ones?"

"Keeping us up here eats away at families," said Representative Kingston. When asked why he couldn't move his family to the Washington area he replied, "Right. Like I want my wife up here where she can...I mean school, my kids' school would suffer."

"It's long overdue," said Representative Mike Thompson (D-Newbie) "I didn't come here to turn around and go back home. Especially with all those bench warrants still out."

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

BREAKING: New SecDef Can Read

Politicians amaze us. They can say the most outrageous things and make it sound like they're just telling you the time of day, or the most obvious things and make it sound like they're letting you in on some deep dark secret. We think they are able to do this because they have vents behind their ears that relieve pressure and keep their heads from exploding. At least that was true of Scott McClellan.

US defense secretary nominee Robert Gates admitted the United States is not winning the war in Iraq. "Oh, duh. Ya Think?" responded Senator Carl Levin (D-Comb Over) "What was your first clue?"

Gates also said any military operation against the Iran, with which Washington is locked in a nuclear showdown, would have a "dramatic" impact on US security. "And by 'dramatic' I mean the President would have to appoint Jack Bauer to the Joint Chiefs of Staff and nobody would notice."

"We have seen in Iraq that once war is unleashed it becomes unpredictable," Gates said. "Of course, playing poker is 'unpredictable' too, so what the heck do I know. I'm just here to fill out Rummy's time until we can get a president who can tell his elbow from a hole in the ground."

Asked by Senator Byrd (D-Old Crickity) whether he would endorse an attack against another US foe, Syria, he said, "Come on. Not even the president is that stupid." After a pause he added, "Let me clarify. At this point in time, the president has not said anything that would lead me to believe he is that stupid. If, however, at some point in the future, he were to say something that stupid, I would be willing to change my position vis-a-vis the president's stupidity."

The committee chairman, Republican Senator John Warner, opened the hearing by reprising remarks he made several months ago that the situation in Iraq was drifting "sideways. And by that I mean backwards, but turned 90 degrees counterclockwise because of the equator."

"My greatest worry," Gates told the committee, "is that if we mishandle the next year or two, and if we leave Iraq in chaos, ... a variety of regional powers will become involved in Iraq and we will have a regional conflict on our hands. And given how we've handled things up to this point...well, I"m buying land in Belize, if you get my drift."

"All options are on the table," Gates said, when asked what strategies were possible in Iraq, following Bush's vow American troops will stay until the mission is complete. "And my first task, if confirmed, will be to find a mission we can complete in the shortest possible time, so we can get the heck out of Dodge. Right now I'm thinking something along the lines of painting al-Maliki's house and maybe doing some yard work for him."

"We need to work together to develop a strategy that does not leave Iraq in chaos and that protects our long-term interests in and hopes for the region," Gates said. "But barring that, I say screw it, let's just go home."

After meeting Gates at the White House, Bush said his nominee, a former CIA director, "respects those who volunteer to serve our country. I have no idea why I said that. At this point the voices in my head are totally incomprehensible, even to me."

Monday, December 04, 2006

And He Never Did Get Up To Those Top Two Floors

We're coming to you today from the Department of Missed Opportunities here at IM Central. It seems we have forgotten a small bit of wisdom passed on to us by our old Daddy, to wit: When opportunity knocks, don't answer the door in your underwear.

A painful lesson to be sure, and somewhat drafty, but nonetheless, we have let you, our faithful reader down by letting this font of mirth and raucous buffoonery slip though our grasp. Although in our defense we must say that we had great plans for the Bolton tenure at the U. N. In fact we were considering adding on to this blog to accommodate the hilarity that we were so sure was about to ensue. Alas, it has come to this:

Unable to win Senate confirmation, U.N. Ambassador John Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, the White House said. "This is truly a dark day for American Diplomacy," an aide to Ambassador Bolton said. "Now that resolution celebrating the end of slavery will get passed. Another victory for the dark races."

President Bush in a statement, said he was "deeply disappointed that a handful of United States senators prevented Ambassador Bolton from receiving the down vote he deserved in the Senate. It's truly a shame that 90 Senators can block the will of the other 10. Well, six if you only count the sober ones."

"This stubborn obstructionism ill serves our country, and discourages men and women of talent from serving their nation," Bush said. "Of course some would say that my whole administration has discouraged men and women of talent from serving their nation, but I say so what? It's not like I listen to my advisers anyway."

The White House resubmitted Bolton's nomination, but with Democrats capturing control of the next Congress, his chances of winning confirmation appeared slight. The incoming chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Democratic Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, said he saw "no point in considering Mr. Bolton's nomination again. On second thought, I'm not sure you can reconsider something you never considered in the first place. Hey Johnny, maybe you can go into journalism."

While Bush could not give Bolton another recess appointment, the White House was believed to be exploring other ways of keeping him in the job, perhaps by giving him a title other than ambassador. "We were thinking about disguising him as a Salvation Army Worker and putting him outside the U.N. with a kettle and a bell," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. But Bolton informed the White House he intended to leave when his current appointment expires. "When Kofe refused to renew Ambassador Bolton's parking pass, that was the last straw," said an aide who asked not to be named.

Bush said he accepted Bolton's decision with deep regret. "He served his country with extraordinary dedication and skill, assembling coalitions that addressed some of the most consequential issues facing the international community," the president said. "Unfortunately, now the U.N. Bowling League will have to go on without him."

As late as last month, Bush, through his top aides, said he would not relent in his defense of Bolton, despite unwavering opposition from Democrats who view Bolton as too combative for international diplomacy. "The president has always been supportive of the clueless," Snowjob said. "He has a special connection to people who are in way over their heads."

Friday, December 01, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Sweet Singing Savior with a pickle, what's this country coming to? It's getting so an overlord can't swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of government regulation. It's almost like The Man wants to shut them down. Well, that and the fact that no one comes to the races anymore. Still, doesn't freedom mean freedom to be stupid?

Cloverleaf Kennel Club in Loveland, Colorado blaming state regulations and competition from casinos, said it would not hold live greyhound racing in 2007. "We just don't have the financial wherewithal now to run another live season," President David J. Scherer said.

When asked what lack of finances had to do with government regulation, Scherer replied that government was where the finances had come from. "You don't think we make any money off of two dollar bets do you?"

He did not rule out a sale of the facility, which began holding live races in 1955, but said the board of directors was examining its options and that any decision would take time.
"We have to save up enough for a ad in the paper."

Several factors led to the decision, including a declining population of people without teeth, lack of employees with sufficiently low skill sets, and little chance that rent at the trailer park will go down in the forseeable future. "I've been practicing saying 'Welcome to Walmart,'" Scherer said.

An employee who did not want his name used because he forgot it said the club started last season $250,000 in the hole. Scherer said the figure was close. "We're not real sure because no one on the staff can count that high."

In its heyday, the track hosted up to 3,000 people a night, Scherer said. More recently, during a four-month live racing season, it was holding 120 races a week with average weekly attendance of about 3,000.

Man, that works out to about 25 people per race Agape. Didn't you ever get lonely?

Agape is friendly, inquisitive, intelligent, playful, puppy-like, persistent for attention, and fun. She likes affection and will approach and rest her head in you lap for attention. She is more energetic than an average greyhound. She loves playing with squeaky toys. She loves to play in the snow. She is a bit of a watch dog and will bark at visitors (until she sees they are okay) and other dogs outside the yard. Agape would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She would be best as an only dog in the home or with another dog that will allow her to be the lead dog. She is an easygoing dog, but needs a family that will let her know that they are the Leaders. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

But They Were Ninja Teddy Bears

OK, we're pretty sure homicidal fantasies in which mistreated and tormented students take bloody revenge on their heartless educorporate masters are about as common today as they were when we used to sneak out behind the bleachers for a biology lesson from Barbara Binder. In fact, we had this particularly anatomically correct reverie that resulted in the total elimination of the math department. It involved automatic weapons, jet aircraft, a bowling ball and Jane Fonda.

Actually, Jane Fonda didn't have anything to do with wiping out the math department, but she figured prominently in all our fantasies back then. Hmmm......................Oh, sorry. Where were we? Yes, offing your educational technician. Well, like we said, this is nothing new or unusual, so we were a little surprised by this.

Four teenagers were expelled from Knightstown High School over a movie, titled "The Teddy Bear Master." The boys, who are sophomores, worked on the teddy bear movie from fall 2005 through summer 2006. In the movie, the "teddy bear master" orders stuffed animals to kill a teacher who had embarrassed him, but students battle the toy beasts. "The thing that concerned us the most is that all the bears were brown," said Principal Jim Diagostino. "You can't tell me there's not a connection to terrorism there somewhere."

In a letter to school board members, the district superintendent said teacher Daniel Clevenger, who teaches seventh grade at Knightstown Intermediate School, felt threatened by the movie. "Now it's true that Mr. Clevenger also feels threatened by clowns and thunder, but that's no reason he should have to spend the rest of the school year locked in his bathroom," the letter concluded.

Indianapolis attorney Robert Kelso, who represents the school district, wrote in a document filed in court that the movie contained vulgar and offensive language, threatened and intimidated a teacher. "They called him Daniel the Spaniel," Kelso wrote. "While it's true he'll never be named one of the 100 most handsome men in the country, he is definitely more of a bulldog than a spaniel."

The Henry County prosecutor's office reviewed the movie but declined to press charges. "I had Daniel Clevenger when I was in seventh grade," a spokesperson for the Prosecutor's Office said, "This was a much less violent fantasy than mine was."

"It's a 14- or 15-year-old boy's idea of humor," said Jackie Suess, an attorney for the ACLU of Indiana, which is representing one of the students. "I'm sorry Daniel Clevenger was upset by it, but anyone who tells people that 'teaching would be a great job if it weren't for students' probably doesn't belong in the classroom in the first place."

Two of the boys are asking a federal judge in Indianapolis to order the students reinstated, arguing that school officials overreacted to a film parody and violated their First Amendment rights. "We're planning a sequel," one of the students said. "We're calling it "The Clown Master Comes To Knightstown Intermediate."

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I Don't Mind Immigrants, As Long As They're Born Here

We will be the first to admit that we don't get out much, but heck, with free delivery from the liquor store for orders over fifty dollars, satellite tee vee and Dominos on the speed dial, what's the point? Still, even we know that there are people in this country put it politely, don't share our skin tone and yet, have the same rights an privileges of citizenship as we do because they you say...born here? Apparently this is all news to Representative Tom Tancredo, (R-Master Race)

Tancredo, the leader of the racist anti-illegal immigration faction in the U.S. House, spent a recent weekend at The Breakers in Palm Beach. "Miami, he told a conservative online news site," has become a Third World country. Criminy sakes, have you seen all the brown people down here? And what's worse, some of them don't speak English."

When asked if he thought that a substantial portion of the citizens of Miami might be natural born citizens who have lived in the city all their lives, Tancredo responded, "Can't be. Too dark."

"You just pick Miami up and move it someplace. You would never know you're in the United States of America. You would certainly say you're in a Third World country,'' Tancredo said. "Of course if you could pick it up and move it someplace you might actually be in a Third World Country, but that's not my point."

The remarks drew an instant rebuke from Miami Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Chica Calente), who called Tancredo a ''Dumb Cracker'' and extended an invitation for him to come and judge the city for himself. "Let him bring his gringo butt down here and say that stuff to my face."

Tancredo, who chairs the bipartisan House Immigration Reform Caucus and championed a fence along the border with Mexico, said in an e-mail sent by his office that his comparison was based on crime statistics he believes "are deeply rooted in the immigration debate. White is right and Brown is down. Sorry Senorita Beaner," the message concluded.

'A recent documentary comparing Miami-Dade County to Baghdad was the kind of responsible journalism I like to see" he wrote, referring to an Australian documentary that compares Miami to Baghdad, "no one can argue that it is not one of America's most brown areas.''

''Moreover, the sheer size and number of ghettos ethnic enclaves devoid of any English and dominated by foreign cultures is widespread,'' Tancredo said in the statement. "Now, if these 'enclaves' were like the Indian reservations, fine, but my understanding is people who live in these 'enclaves' can come and go as they please, and some of them even mingle with the white race.''

Tancredo didn't visit Miami on the Nov. 18-19 trip, but has visited before, a spokesman said. And, if Ros-Lehtinen's invitation includes ''a stay at a five-star beachfront resort, he may be willing to look beyond the inherent dangers that he had cited and visit Miami again,'' his spokesman said. "Just keep us away from the darkies."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Man, for folks with god on their side the evangelical movement has sure not been getting the breaks. We mean, there's the whole, republican Jesus getting beat like a money changer in the recent elections, and worst of all, no divine intervention for Katherine Harris. But just when you think it can't get any worse, along comes The Reverend Joel Hunter, of Northland, A Church Distributed, in Longwood, Florida who resigned his position in a dispute about conservative philosophy - more than a month before he was to fully assume his post. "I don't care what the salary is," Hunter told reporters, "I'm not about to take a shower with Dobson to prove I don't have Teh Gay."

Hunter said he quit as president-elect of the group founded by evangelist Pat Robertson because he realized he would be unable to broaden the organization's agenda beyond opposing abortion and same-sex marriage. "Pat told me most people just don't get that worked up about the environment and Christians don't really like poor people."

"These are issues that Jesus would want us to care about," Hunter said. "but they pretty much told me, "These issues are fine, but they're not our issues; that's not our base, that's not where the money is.' "

Hunter hoped to revive the group by expanding its agenda to include what he called "compassion issues." He also planned to teach evangelicals how to "vote with their life," or integrate and apply their Christian values to public life.

"That's all well and good," Robertson said, "But who has time for 'compassion' when there's a government to win back. A government full of gay loving baby killers, I might add."

The coalition's rejection of Hunter's approach means it is unwilling to part with its partisan, Republican roots, Hunter said. "To tell you the truth, I feel like there are literally millions of evangelical Christians that don't have a home right now," Hunter said.

"That's ridiculous," Robertson countered. "Our fund raising data base clearly shows that to be a good Christian you need at least a two bedroom ranch, an SUV and...wait, is he talking about poor people again?"

Monday, November 27, 2006

Pope to Study Condoms. First Lesson: They're Not Apartments You Own

OK, how could we pass up an article titled "Pope Commissioned Condom Study Clears First Hurdle?" In the first place, why does the pope need to know about condoms? And second, what are these "hurdles" of which you speak? Could they be of the ribbed or tickler variety? We say no more as this is a family blog, but turn our ear to Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan, head of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for Health Pastoral Care.

"This is something that worries the Pope a lot," the Cardinal told reporter. "Bottom line is, more condoms equals less catholics."

Ah, now we get it. It's an economic issue.

The Catholic Church opposes the use of condoms and teaches that fidelity within heterosexual marriage, chastity and abstinence are the best ways to stop the spread of AIDS. "Well, that and the magic chicken bones." said an aide to the pontiff. "We did a study and the chicken bones were about as effective as abstinence."

Promoting condoms fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behavior that will only contribute to the spread of AIDS. "Look," Cardinal Barragan said. "If you knew there were no cops around, you'd speed like a demon. If you knew calories didn't count you'd have chocolate cake at every meal. If those spies from the Office of Ecclesiastical Internal Affairs weren't watching your every move, you'd take Sister Mary Margaret up on her offer to come to the convent for a discussion on theology, and maybe a massage. Yes a massage with those long slender fingers kneading you, those milky white arms pressing down on you again and again over and over slowly, then was I? Oh yes, condoms are bad. Is it hot in here?"

"Following the wishes of Benedict, we carried out a careful study on condoms, both from a scientific and moral point of view," Barragan told a news conference. "We found that scientifically they work, and morally we hate that."

The study, which would not be made public, would then be passed on to the Pope, who may use it for his own pronouncement. When asked what the length of the pope's pronouncement might be an aide declined to speculate. "It's not like we share a locker room," he said.

In recent years, several top Church officials have called for a change in Vatican policy on condoms to allow their use by married couples where one partner is affected by HIV or AIDS. But the Vatican has been loath to issue any document that could be interpreted as a green light for the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS, fearing it would endorse promiscuity. "Look, we got enough problems trying to get our own guys to keep it in their pants," Barragan said. "We don't need the rest of you going all horn dog on us."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

We're still semi-comatose from yesterday but this still seems a little odd to us.

Sarasota Kennel Club director of racing Tom Bowersox thinks the addition of the One-Eyed Jack's card room will herald a new era for the greyhound racing track. When the track opens Friday for the 2006-07 racing season, Bowersox will work on securing commitments from racing kennels beyond the customary April closing date. Florida law stipulates a parimutuel track must be conducting live racing to offer card games.

So, what's the connection between live racing and card games you ask? Well, excitement surrounding Friday's noon opening is at an all-time high, as patrons who normally wager on greyhound racing and horse racing simulcasts can sample the card craze that has swept the country the past several years.

Yes, that's right. The overlords are trying to lure people away from greyhound racing. Oh, they're a crafty bunch these overlords, huh Tootie?
Tootie takes life in stride. She is so happy to meet visitors, that she’s a little bit jumpy. She enjoys attention and will shadow her foster family around the house and waits for pats. Tootie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Hounds Home For The Holidays

Continuing on in the great tradition we started last year because we were too lazy too write a regular post, we bring you this year's version of Hounds Home for the Holidays in which we attempt to tug at your heartstrings in this time of full contact shopping and encourage you to find a place on your couch for the only dog specifically mentioned in the bible. And so you know greyhounds are Bill O'Rielly War on Christmas approved.

But first a word about casino style gambling at greyhound tracks. The first Las Vegas-style slot machines started spinning at noon as the renovated Gulfstream Park Racing & Casino opened its doors to a new era in South Florida gaming. "This is the culmination of a great effort from many, many people to keep from having to get real jobs," said Gulfstream Park President Paul Micucci.

Broward voters agreed more than a year ago to allow slot machines at pari-mutuel venues and Gulfstream Park is the first of four pari-mutuels to open its slots room. "We really appreciate the voters of Broward not thinking too hard about why we needed slots in the first place," Mucucci told reporters. "And we want people to know that the greyhounds will not become an afterthought now that we have a new way to fleece the rubes because, well, heck, the greyhounds were always an afterthought, it was those two dollar bets we were concerned with."

Gulfstream has 516 slot machines and eventually will have 1,500, the maximum number allowed by state law. "Now people who wouldn't come near a greyhound track can come out for some good wholesome family entertainment," Mucucci said.

When asked how he thought the slots would affect greyhound racing at the track which has experienced a drastic decline and would have closed were it not for the income generated by slots, Mucucci said he was sure that "they'll find some use for the dogs. I hear there's a guy in Arizona that takes the dogs once they can't make money and finds homes for them."

Looks like you got out just in time, huh Chance?

Chance is very laid back and mellow. He is also affectionate and loving and will approach for pets. He is a happy boy who greets the family with a wagging tail. He is a greyhound “collector” and has collected dirty socks around the house! He likes to toss his toys up in the air to play by himself, but stops when he knows he’s being watched. Chance would do well in a working family home with well mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

PS: Yes, we realized after we posted yesterday's entry that the headline should have read Jenna and Barbara. Must redo our to do list. Blog first, Stoli second.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Will Jenna And Barbara Join The National Guard Like Dad?

Hey, wait a minute. We thought electing the democrats would be a good thing. Now we read that they want to bring back the draft. Even the republicans were smart enough to know re-VietNaming the country would be...well...let's just say politically inexpedient.

Let's see: Two Four Six Eight, We Don't Want No Watergate.

No, that's not it. Um...One Three Five Seven, No...

One Two Three Four something something and the war.

OK, we'll work on that. After all, it's been forty years. Anyway in the mean time the incoming democratic chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee said that he will push to renew the military draft. "I will be introducing that bill as soon as we start the new session," Representative Charles Rangel (D-4F) said. "There's no question in my mind that this president and this administration would never have invaded Iraq, if we had a draft and members of Congress and the administration thought that their kids would be placed in harm's way."

Wait. You mean they're only going to draft politicians' kids? Now there's a draft we can get behind. Now, don't get us wrong. We're as patriotic as the next guy, if the next guy is an islamofascistcommie ninja warrior godless heathen, but the idea of letting the people that started the war furnish the kind of appeals to us.

Gives a whole new meaning to pay as you go war.

Rangel has drawn modest support for his draft proposal in recent years and it has been unclear whether its prospects might improve in the 110th Congress. "We're trying to find out how many have military age kids right now," and aide to Rangel said.

Senator John McCain (R-Say Anything) said that it is immoral to keep troops fighting merely to "delay our defeat for a few months or a year. Let's send a whole bunch more over there and really delay our defeat."

Senator Harry Reid (D-Payback Time) who will be the Senate majority leader, agrees that the U.S. military is stretched too thin and that "the burden of meeting the nation's security has not been shared equally by all segments of our society," said Reid spokesman Jim Manley. But Reid "believes that these problems are best addressed by making needed adjustments in the all-volunteer force," Manley said.

Asked what 'adjustments' need to be made to increase volunteers, Manley said, "Simple. Everybody who turns 18 automatically volunteers."

Lawmakers are anxiously awaiting recommendations next month from the Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by former secretary of state James A. Baker III and former representative Lee H. Hamilton (D-Iizzy.). If the group does not advocate sending more troops to Iraq, McCain said, he would support a troop withdrawal. "I'll support anything that will get me elected president," he said. "After all, I'm the straight talker and I'm telling you straight up I want to be president so bad I'd French kiss Henry Kissinger if it got me his support."

Later an representative of Senator McCain's office said his remarks had been taken out of context. "Senator McCain was for the war, before he was against it," the representative told reporters.

Senator Carl Levin (D-Comb Over) said, "We must tell the Iraqis that we would begin, starting in four to six months, a phased reduction of our troops," Levin said. "Otherwise they're going to think we actually give a crap what happens to them after we blew up their country."

Senator John Kerry (D-Eadmanrunning.) said that he is considering another presidential bid in 2008 despite widespread criticism of what he called "a botched joke" that some received as denigrating troops in Iraq. "I've been working on my schtick." he told reporters. "Hey, did you hear the one about the Black priest, the blind Rabbi and the farmer's daughter?"

When asked for his position on the potential draft, Kerry said he did not agree with Senator McCain. "I want to be president so bad I'd French kiss Henry Kissinger's dog if it got me his support. Thank you. I'm here all week."

Hey, You have a father or mother in politics?. Check this out.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, you have to hand it to the overlords. They know a business opportunity when they see one and they're not about to let anyone get in their way when it comes to fleecing the rubes. See, about three years ago the greyhound track in Waterloo, Iowa closed because...well becuase no one came there.

Now the overlords want to open it again. "We figure three years is long enough to forget you don't really like greyhound racing," said Ken Nelson, an attorney representing the overlords. Nelson took the Iowa State Racing and Gaming Commission to court after the commission denied a dog track license last year.

Jeff Peterzalek of the Iowa Attorney General's Office, which is representing the Iowa State Racing and Gaming Commission, asked the court to affirm the commission's decision. "Look, these guys lost their shirt last time, and the Racing and Gaming Commission did too, because we had all the costs of oversite, but no money came from the track because only three people went there and one of them is dead now."

Attorney Dave Nagle, who is representing a group of investors interested in reopening the track, also made arguments in support of the overlords. "I've got a bunch of people with more money than brains that think there are enough two dollar bets in the area to put them on easy street for the rest of their lives," he said. "Now, it's true I make them pay me up front because once they get into this their money is history, but in the mean time, I say let's all ride the gravy train until it stops."

More money than brains. Don't hear that as a way of describing the overlords much huh, Cowboy? The money part we mean.

Dirty Dare AKA Cowboy is a very sweet, happy, mellow boy. He is affectionate and shadows his foster family around the house. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He also likes to play with his toys throwing them up in the air by himself! Cowboy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 9 and up. He is good as an only dog, and would probably do well with other medium to larger size dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.