Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dancing Dave Gregory Learns A New Step

We're coming to you today from the Cognitive Dissonance Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The CDD is a division of the No Self Awareness Here Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Cluelessness Isn't A Bug It's A Feature, Inc.

It seems that recently Dancing With The Stars wannabe David Gregory invited Glenn Greenwald, a real journalist, to come on Meet (NBC's Poor Excuse For) The Press to discuss the Edward Snowden affair. Now, if you watch the video below, you'll see that Greenwald has to give Dim bulb Dave the questions he should be asking (Pro Tip: Davey, you're a tall guy. Maybe you should do your interviews standing up, that way not as much stuff would go over your head) but instead of something important, or even germane, we get a basically meaningless question about breaking the law. Hey Dave, that's why we have Whistleblower protection programs so people will come forward with information about wrongdoing even if it means a law gets broken and especially if it is about wrongdoing in government where there is much more likely to be a law protecting the wrongdoers, so getting Greenwald to admit Snowden broke the law? Not really a coup, if you know what we mean--and you probably don't.

Anyway, then Dave the Dumb shows us that he has no idea what journalists do, no real understanding of the law, or pretty much anything else that doesn't have a snappy downbeat when he asks why Greenwald shouldn't be accused of "aiding and abetting" Snowden.

In just under a minute Greenwald explains  what a journalist does, why it matters and basically why the dancing ditzo isn't one. The video ends there so we don't get a chance to hear Gregory's response, but we're betting it wasn't along the line of "Thanks for clearing the up Mr. Greenwald."

Hey Dave, as long as we're talking about aiding and abetting, why shouldn't you be charged with aiding and abetting war criminals when you had people like Darth Cheney and his posse on your show and asked them hard hitting questions like how big will the mushroom cloud be if we don't invade countries that had nothing to do with 9/11? Why shouldn't you be charged with aiding and abetting the destruction of the Fourth Amendment when you have some of the Big Brother crowd on your show and ask them probing questions like can you tell us why the people who think PRISM is illegal are Muslim sympathizers?

Truth is, while you've been sitting on your well compensated butt stroking the powers, people like Greenwald have been out there trying to do the job journalists are supposed to be doing. There's a reason this story broke in the foreign press dude, and it ain't because you were away from your desk when Snowden called.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

BREAKING: Pope Admits There Are Gays In The Vatican; In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

Frequent readers of this blog have had to settle for Gilligan's Island reruns lately--on the Spanish channel...erm...we mean will recall that as formerly bad catholics who have since fallen away completely we often opine on matters ecclesiastical. Sometimes even in god's native tongue (Catuli rursus decesserit! Hui excrementum!) We do this as a public service for all of you out there in the whack churches because we feel it should be made very clear to you why you'll end up as a shish kabob on Satan's grill. You're welcome.

Now, we've been silent on the subject of Pope 2.0 up until now because we figured about all the cardinals would let him get away with was replacing ossobuco alla milanese with refogado in the vatican cafeteria. So imagine our surprise when we pick up today's copy of The Vatican Inquisitor and read:
Pope Francis acknowledged the presence of a “gay lobby” and “a current of corruption” in the Vatican, according to a summary of private remarks to the leadership of a Latin American church group, an acknowledgment that appears to confirm reports that the Vatican denied in February.
First of all, saying something is true in private that you said was false in public, that's going to get you a yellow card as a technical violation of Number Nine on Yahweh's Big Ten. Then we have the "gay lobby"--which we note with some regret is not referred to as the gay mafia--and the "current of corruption" which we are going to assume is separate from the "gay lobby." Man, you guys are starting to sound more like the Evangelicals than god's homies.

And why a gay lobby? What are they lobbying for? Do we want to know? Maybe between the pervs doinking the choirboys and the horndogs getting themselves to the nunnery the Nancy boys wanted time. Just wantin' them a little piece of that James 2:10 action there el popo. Word.

Now, since the church has already blamed all their troubles on the 60's we're thinking that must be when they first got caught in the "current" and have been swept helplessly along, struggling waifs in the tsunami of sex, drugs and rock and roll, all of which were in the curricula of seminaries and convents back then. Remember Woodstock? Organized by the Order of St. Francis. For serious.
In the days leading up to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation in February, the Italian news media were rife with reports of a “gay lobby” influencing papal decision-making and Vatican policy through blackmail, and suggestions that the scandal had contributed to his decision to resign.
OK we like the blackmail part because that totally fits with the church's philosophy for inducing moral behavior (Hey pubescents. Better not let the lord catch you spanking the monkey or 70 years from now when you kick off it's Camp Satan for you!) but that whole gay's influencing Bene's decisions doesn't pass the water to wine test. We mean, here's a guy who spent most of his tenure trying to return the church to the 13th century and we gotta believe number one on the gay agenda is more rhinestones on the vestments. And accent colors. Come on man, queer eye for the holy guy, right?
The Vatican had denounced the Italian media reports as defamatory, “unverified, unverifiable or completely false.”
Ah, denying in public what you admit in private. So there are timeless truths in the church's teachings after all.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Law and Order Department here in the semi-abandoned halls of IM Central. The LOD is a unit of the That's For Us To Know And You To Find Out Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of NCIS (Naming Cruelties In Secret).

It seems three overlords have gotten themselves into a bit of a sticky wicket with the local Gendarmes.
Three men associated with greyhound racing in West Virginia were recently reprimanded for neglecting or abusing dogs. The board of judges at the Wheeling Island racetrack punished all three in separate hearings during April and May...
 Reprimanded huh? We were reprimanded once after we squirted Cindy McMahon in the coat room before class one day in eighth grade. The whole situation arose because we had feelings for Cindy, but lacked the requisite linguistic experience to express them in an appropriate manner. Plus, Dale brought his squirt gun to school that day so we thought actions speak louder than words, why not? Father Simmons did not see the logic of our position and sentenced us to one week of blackboard cleaning. This after confiscating the aforementioned squirt gun and subjecting it to a ritual burning in the Rectory office.  Never were able to make that connection with Cindy. Heard through the grapevine that she actually liked Dale. Women! Go figure.

Well, the point of the story is, aside from some potential lung damage from inhaling chalk dust, and the hit our allowance took because we had to replace Dale's squirt gun, we came through our reprimand pretty much no worse for wear, and we suspect that due to the long history of wrist slapping and wet noodle spanking the industry usually doles out to overlords caught taking creative action to adjust their inventories, the same is going to be true of our three current miscreants. So what exactly is the nature of the great hammer of righteousness the judges are bringing down on the heads of these hapless clowns? No TV for a month? Mow the lawn? Do the dishes? Don't pick your nose in public, what?
The three men are James Bloom, James Grace and Christopher Bever. Grace and Bever lost their operating permits, while Bloom's permit was suspended for six months, according to the rulings.
Holy crap! The death penalty for Grace and Bever and six months hard time for Bloom. That's some serious reprimanding right there don't you know. That's reprimanding like nuclear bombs in the living room are disrupting, like fire ants crawling up your nose are vexing, like having Rick Santorum for a neighbor is disquieting, like...OK you get the picture. Man! These guys must have done some weapons grade "neglecting or abusing." This has got to be Ronnie Williams level stuff, Ursula O'Donnel bad, or Ritt and Steinman, you know, just off the charts evil. Man, we almost don't want to keep reading. We just know when you tell us what they did it's going to depress us for a week at least, but people need to know what happens to greyhounds when they are no more than a means to an end. If we're ever going to end their suffering we have to shine a light into the darkest corners of the industry, so we're talking a deep breath. OK, go on. What did these guys do that got two of them the ultimate punishment?
The rulings state Bloom, Grace and Bever abused, neglected or generally mistreated dogs but provide no further details about the actual transgressions.
Oh, we knew it was going to be bad, but...wait, what?
The commission provided no details about the actual incidents that led to the punishment...
 Ralph Brehm, presiding judge at the board of judges in Wheeling, said he was not allowed to talk about the cases. "Well, actually I could talk about it if I wanted," he added. "But I was drunk through most of the hearings so I don't really remember much. Did we find them guilty?"
Jon Amores, Racing Commission executive director, said there could have been witnesses to the incidents, or the judge could have viewed violations, Amores said. The commission typically doesn't keep any paper record of those witness statements at this level of the reprimanding process...
When asked if no records was standard procedure, Amores said, "Hey, writing is hard, man. First you have to find some paper and then a pencil. And what if the pencil needs to be sharpened, huh? Who's gonna do that? And don't even get me started on spelling and grammar.  Besides, writing means a record somewhere. We don't want records floating around. If people found out what really goes on at a track they'd shut us down in a week. There's a reason we don't let outsiders in the kennel, you know? We may be cruel and heartless, but we're not stupid. OK, some of us are stupid too, but that's not my point right now."
There might be paperwork if someone appealed a ruling. Amores said...
Umm...Let us get this straight. There's no paperwork now, but if someone appeals there may be paperwork? Is this like Schrodinger's paperwork that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. You'll have to explain that to us, we were never good at physics. What about you Iceman, what quantum state are you in?

Iceman is a very sweet and friendly boy. He loves to be around people. Iceman wags his tail a lot because he is so happy to finally be in a home. He is interested in his reflection in the mirror because he sees such a handsome boy staring back. He seeks out attention from the foster family, loves to go for walks and does  really well on the leash. He can live with kitties and dogs his size but has not yet met any small dogs. Iceman is trying to learn to go up and down the stairs but hasn't exactly got the hang of it yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.