Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, the overlords are quite excited this week. Why you ask. Has Walmart expanded the seats available at their Greeter School? No. Is the local Dentists Association going to a have free dental care clinic this weekend? No. Besides, when you only have three teeth left, dental care really isn't a priority. Will Habitat for Humanity be coming to the trailer park to finally put screens on the windows? No.

What has the overlords so excited they're thinking about splurging and supersizing their MacDonalds is they're getting a new track!

For the first time in 16 years, a brand new greyhound track is opening up in the United States. "This is like Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving all rolled into one," said one ecstatic track official. "Why, I'll bet they even have indoor plumbing at this place."

Yes! This certainly appears to be a turning point, a watershed event, the beginning of a new chapter in animal racing. Finally the overlords will have facilities appropriate to their needs. Finally they will be on the road to getting some respect.

The greyhounds are likely to be secondary to the other activities, such as poker and race simulcast areas.


You know, that could be a mistake. We mean, you give the people a nice facility, and an opportunity to watch innocent animals struggle to keep their owners off welfare and you may have the makings of a hit, right Mr. Morgan?

An extended racing season has become a long shot at Mile High Greyhound Park. "I think we're at a pretty serious impasse," said Eric Morgan, who represents the Colorado Greyhound Kennel Association. "Unless something changes dramatically, the question is just a matter of when the last day of racing in 2008 is going to be."

Yeah...well, everyone knows the economy isn't so good in the United States right now. We're sure the future is brighter for the overlords in England, right Mr. Chandler?

Walthamstow Stadium will be sold to developers after its owners could not halt falling profits. It will close in August after 75 years, leaving only two greyhound stadiums in London - Wimbledon and Romford. Charles Chandler, whose family has owned the racecourse since it opened in 1933 said his business had become "unsustainable."

Ah. Well, on the bright side, Mr. Morgan used "impasse" correctly and Mr. Chandler did the same with "unsustainable" so the eighth grade diploma correspondence course must be helping, right Stormi?

Stormi is easy going and calm. She is very affectionate and she loves to be cuddled and petted. She has learned how to Shake paws and roll over. She has a fun, goofy side. She plays for short periods of time and then is ready for a nap. She likes to chase bugs or birds in the yard. Stormi would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Camping Brings Families Together

We're coming to you today from the Department of Unintended Consequences here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoUC is a division of the Who Knew? Corporation in partnership with Don't Blame Us We Just Make Laws, LLC.

Despite the 2005 passage of a law that made it more difficult and expensive to file for personal bankruptcy, more Americans are choosing bankruptcy over destitution. "And that's simple discrimination against the credit industry," said VISA CEO Joseph Saunders. "Hey, we spent a lot of money on Congress to get that law through so we could start sending 100,000 lines of credit to four year olds."

"The rise in bankruptcies is not about something that happened last week or last month," said Elizabeth Warren, a Harvard Law School professor and a bankruptcy expert. "It's about the fundamentals. It's about declining wages, rising costs, inadequate health insurance, job instability. More hardworking middle-class families simply can't make it in this economy, and it's only getting worse."

"Not our problem," said Saunders. "We don't care that your boss hasn't given you a meaningful raise in seven years, even though his profits have constantly risen. See, the new law means we don't have to care about your ability to pay, only your willingness to charge. You don't need your own home to charge you know. Just a thought."

Putative republican presidential candidate John McCain expressed his sympathy for those caught in the credit crunch. "It's tough out there," he said. "I may have to sell one of my eight houses."

Bankruptcy attorneys and economists said the trend cuts across all segments of society -- the young and the old, homeowners with bad mortgages and renters, the poor and the middle class. In the past, bankruptcies were more common among people who had sudden life changes, such as a divorce, illness or job loss. Now, the bankrupt are people who have simply racked up too much debt.

"I know what you're thinking," Saunders told reporters. "But you can't blame us. Just because we send people hundreds of credit cards with all sorts of free come ons and sweeteners doesn't mean we expect them to use those cards."

Declining home values are exacerbating the problem. No longer can people rely on the equity in their homes to pay down more expensive debt. "Well, like I said, you don't need a home to use a credit card. We're equal opportunity lenders," Saunders told reporters.

Congress recently considered a proposal by Senator Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.) to let bankruptcy judges cut interest rates and principal on troubled mortgages. But that plan was scuttled last month. Instead, consumers must operate under the law passed in 2005, which was intended to get people to choose other alternatives. "Summer's coming and camping can be fun," said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, (R - 2bad4U). "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and try to run over Graeme Frost in my SUV."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Memorial Day Only Comes Once A Year, But War, That's Forever

Well, another memorial day goes into the books. Parades. Speeches. Bush laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier, talked about sacrifice and his head didn't explode proving there is no god and no justice. Must be his flag pin keeps him safe. A lot of air was pushed over a lot of vocal chords by a lot of politicians, but we think TBogg said it best.

We never served in uniform, and that fact right there has made the country safer, still we were interested to hear what the Commander in Chief and the World's Leading War Hero had to say on this day dedicated to those who put their money where other people's mouths were.

OK, so technically Bush never "served in uniform" either. He just sort of wore the thing when his civvies were in the wash, but still he is the president (for another 237 days 13 hours 18 minutes and 47 seconds. But who's counting?) so we suppose he felt the need to say something:
"On this Memorial Day, I stand before you as the commander in chief and try to tell you how proud I am," Bush told an audience of military figures, veterans and their families at Arlington National Cemetery. Of the men and women buried in the hallowed cemetery, he said, "They're an awesome bunch of people and the United States is blessed to have such citizens."
"Awesome?" These people are "awesome?" He's standing in Arlington National Cemetery which contains the remains of people like Generals Dwight Eisenhower, George Marshall and Admiral Chester Nimitz; people like Oliver Wendell Holmes, and Earl Warren; people like Pete Conrad and Gus Grissom; people like John Kennedy. And that doesn't even begin to touch all the people he's managed to add in his seven years as warmonger in chief.

"Awesome" is the best he can come up with? What? Did he just get to level 10 in World of Warcraft or something? Guy's about as eloquent as an empty 55 gallon drum falling down a steel staircase.

So the eloquence bar is set pretty low for the senior senator from the Paleozoic era. What have you got for us senator "real" veteran?
"As we all know, the American people have grown sick and tired of the war in Iraq," McCain told hundreds of veterans and their families gathered for a ceremony honoring U.S. service members killed in conflicts. "I understand that, of course. I, too, have been made sick at heart by the many mistakes made by civilian and military commanders and the terrible price we have paid for them," he added.
OK, so we're all sick of the war, but the thing that gets under McCain's skin are the "mistakes." The war itself? Ah, not so much. Oh, and the veterans of that war? Well, omelet, eggs. You get the picture.

Now, here comes a shocker. People aren't contributing money to McCain's campaign. We know. Go figure. What to do? What to do? How about a fund raiser with a big name republican draw? Yeah. That's the ticket.

Or not.

Looks like the war isn't the only place where mistakes are going to make the senator "sick at heart."

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, say what you will about the overlords...go ahead, say what you will, we do. Anyway, say what you will about these folks, one thing you have to say is they never give up on their dream of riding the backs of innocent animals to trailer park heaven.

Industry dying? People not interested in animal exploitation? No problem, just add another dying industry to the one you're currently dying with. Did we mention the industry was dying?

Melbourne Greyhound Park has joined a statewide move to revive the long-dormant quarter horse industry. The park's owner, William Esping of EFO Holdings in Dallas, filed an application March 14 with the Division of Pari-mutuel Wagering to get a quarter horse racing permit. "Look, we're not even making enough money to pay the light bill with the dogs," Esping said. "We figure the more animals we get in here to exploit the more chance we'll have of pulling enough money off of them to keep us out of the job market another year or so."

While popular west of the Mississippi, quarter horse racing has been dormant in Florida for almost two decades, with no live racing since 1992. Three tracks -- Tampa Downs, Gulfstream and Pompano Park -- have unused permits that allow live quarter horse racing and wagering. "Right," Esping said. "So it's like we won't have any competition. Pretty shrewd business move if you ask me."

In the last two years, the Division of Pari-mutuel Wagering has been hit with eight applications -- six since February. Two submitted last year were approved for Jefferson and Hamilton counties, but those ventures appear to have fizzled already. "See? They're dying off before they even get started. Esping told reporters. "Wait. That's probably not a good thing is it?"

Umm...our guess would be no. What do you think Glitter?

Glitter is affectionate; she likes people. She’s always on the heels of her foster mom. She has tried playing a few times with the toys around the house, but she doesn’t play very much. She’s got the funniest vocalization; she will do this when her foster mom comes home. She is not interested in spending too much time outside. Glitter would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is a dominant girl, so she will need to be in a home with a passive dog or be an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Georgia! Motto: We Ain't Even Pretending Anymore

You know, most times we're pretty happy to be Americans, even though we like to make fun of our fellow citizens, particularly those who think they're living in a computer game. Other times we wish we lived in Belize.

This is one of those times.

A Roswell, Georgia newspaper is defending a controversial cover illustration that placed Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama in a rifle's cross hairs. "Not saying it will. Just that it could," said the paper's publisher, John 'Possum grits' Fredericks. "Boy needs to remember his place, that's all."

Possum grits and senior editor Tim 'Catfish' Altork said there was little internal debate over the appropriateness of the imagery. Well, sometimes it's hard to understand what people are saying in those meetings," added Catfish. "What with their hoods on and all."

The article was pitched and reported by veteran freelance journalist Alan 'Barefoot Alan' Sverdlik, who said he was curious how law enforcement agencies were handling the increased number of threats lodged against Obama by white supremacist groups, most of whom are based around the offices of the Beacon.

The article's publication coincided with a typical republican quip by former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee after a loud noise interrupted his speech to the National Rifle Association. "Well, that's what gave us the idea," said Possum grits. "I mean, Huck's a pastor and all ain't he? If he says it it's like it's coming from the lord."

At the same time, just a few miles away west of Roswell, a Cobb County saloonkeeper was exalting in his own Obama-related controversy, peddling T-shirts featuring a cartoon monkey endorsing the likely Democratic nominee thus earning Georgia the coveted Blatant Racist Trifecta Award for May.

Possum grits said editorial decisions would not be influenced by "liberal blogger thuggery. Good, bad or ugly, we tell the truth," he said. "And truth is ain't no black boy ever gonna be my president."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Is That Your Belly Poking Out Under That Shirt, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

We're coming to you today from the Physical Education and Muscle Culture Center here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, admittedly since our college days we have collected mass, although we have to say on us it simply adds to our aura of gravitas. Sort of gives weight to our presence if you get our meaning. Still, we're down here working on our pecs, gluts and abs anyway as we have just been informed that the cause of all the problems in this sad and dystopic world have been finally identified, clarified and localized:

Fat people.

And all this time we thought it was islamofacistcommieninjashadowwarriors who were so lithe and slim they could come in the night on the breeze and steal our women, plus raise the price of gasoline without even disturbing the dyspeptic clerk, nodding into his big gulp behind the counter.

Nope. Fat people.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Hygiene and Pilates used geometric logic and advanced statistical Magic Eight Balls to calculate the obese consume 18% more calories than average due to the fact that they are, like, bigger than people who are not obese. They are also responsible for using more fuel to haul their lard butts, and beer bellies down to the MacDonalds, which has an environmental impact because we have to wait at the drive up window while a fresh batch of fries is made after they clean the place out (engine idling by the way).

They also drive up food prices--well, except for vegetables because everyone knows fat people don't eat vegetables--as transport and agriculture both use oil. Well, truth be told, the manufacture of cosmetics uses a lot of oil too, but this is about fat people, not beautiful people.

The result is that the poor struggle to afford food and that's why all poor people are fat amen, the end, reported the Lancet.

The team found that obese people require 1,680 daily calories to get themselves down to the Baskin Robbins for a Candy Rush Sundae and another 1,280 to get home - a fifth more than normal. "Don't these people know about delivery?" asked Phil Edwards, who co-authored the article.

What is more, the researchers said obese people are likely to rely on transport more and put more strain on that transport because of their mass, which again drives up prices and usage. "Have you seen what happens to a set of shocks on an Escalade after about 1000 miles of hauling around a 300 pounder?" asked Dr David Haslam, of the National Obesity Forum. "It ain't pretty."

"Really, it is discriminatory towards obese people. They are an easy target at the moment, but I think the causes of climate change and rising food prices is much more complex," he added.

Right. You left out the impact of atheists who stay at home on Sundays watching TV and thus drive up the cost of electricity for good, god fearing folk.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, when it rains it pours, or if you're an overlord, when it rains someone usually comes and tells you to come inside. Last week we told you about the string of owies that have come upside the collective heads of our favorite group of animal exploiters.

This week the hits just keep on coming.

The Iowa Court of Appeals sided with a state commission's decision not to reissue a racing license for a defunct greyhound park in Waterloo. You may recall we have visited this particular group of overlords before. These are the folks who were upset with the state gaming commission because it wouldn't allow them to open a failed track, again. As NCC Board President Wally Mochal said at the time, "That's not their entitlement. This is America and if you can't be stupid here, where can you be stupid?"

Now, it turns out the real issue is that Mr. Mochal's group really wants the state to let them use the old license so they don't have to pay the fee for a new one. "Do you know what that fee costs?" Mochal asked. "It's more than the track would make in a year and I'm not about to live on catfood. Again."

See, Mr. Mochal, your problem is you're not diversified. You have all your eggs in the racing basket. You need to look at other markets, like the folks in Florida.

A dispute over profits from off-track wagering is standing in the way of Floridians being able to bet on Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, the second leg of horse racing’s Triple Crown. Robert Christmas, assistant general manager of the Melbourne Greyhound Park, located at 100 North Wickham road, is caught in the middle. “It does hurt us,” Christmas said. “The crowds that we would get from the people coming in to play this race and the overall activity is an impact against our facility.”

Oops. Bad example. Well look, maybe if you promised to improve your care for the dogs like they do in England.

The largest breeder of greyhounds in Britain is offering to sell healthy young dogs to be killed and dissected for research, an investigation has found.

All righty then. We're running out of suggestions. You got any ideas Joey?

Mojo AKA Joey is happy and playful. He enjoys playing outside when the weather is nice. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Joey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

After He Got Done Here, Did Jesus Have To Go To Alpha Centauri?

We're coming to you today from the basement here in, or actually below, the marbled halls of IM Central. We're just outside agent Mulder's office. OK, really we're just standing next to the furnace, but we wanted to make a neat lead in to the question of the day: Does the Vatican have an X-Files Section?

The Pope's chief astronomer says that life on Mars cannot be ruled out despite the fact that NASA has rovers crawling all over the planet which have so far not stumbled across any cities, or even the odd, isolated mini-mall. "Did I say Mars," the astronomer Father Gabriel Funes said. "I meant Vulcan." Writing in the Vatican newspaper, Funes, said intelligent beings created by God could exist in outer space. "Well, not in outer space per se," he added. "They'd probably, like have to be on a planet or an asteroid or something. Unless, of course it was the Crystal Entity who is most probably Baptist."

Hmm...that could explain John Hagee.

Father Funes, director of the Vatican Observatory and Blessed Virgin Mary gift shop near Rome (John the Baptist bobbleheads, half off!) said the search for forms of extraterrestrial life does not contradict belief in God. "Now if we were to find some, that'd be a different story," he added. "Especially if they were Klingons. My feeling is 'love thy neighbor' is not part of their theology."

Just as there are multiple forms of life on earth, so there could exist intelligent beings in outer space created by God. And some aliens could even be free from original sin, he speculated.

Well, not so fast there monsignor. You better think this through a little. Why do we need a church? Because Eve ate that apple and gave us all original sin which only the church can remove through baptism. No original sin, no baptism, no church. You have to go to work for a living. Not much call in the business world these days for old men in funny hats who speak dead languages.

Asked about the Catholic Church's condemnation four centuries ago of the Italian astronomer and physicist, Galileo, Father Funes said mistakes were made, but "look, that was 400 years ago. Are you still going to be ragging on us about the church sex scandal in 2408?"

Science and religion need each other, he assured readers. When asked to explain why science needed religion, Father Funes responded that it was important scientists didn't get "too big of heads because they can explain all that natural phenomenon stuff. They need to know we're going to be on them like Dobson on Proctor and Gamble if they get too close to making us irrelevant."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

So What? Our Mommas Probably Wouldn't Vote For Us Anyway

OK, look America, it's time you woke up. There's a war going on, several actually, but the bottom line is the enemy is at our throats. If by at our throats you mean hiding in caves in Pakistan, but that's not our point. Our point is that during war certain sacrifices have to be made. No we're not talking about actually paying for the war ourselves instead of pushing it onto our children, or worse yet, instituting a draft that really pushes it on to our children. Well, not that the real burden isn't being mostly born by our children now, but it's not like the ones bearing it are the important children, you know. We mean, some children have more potential than others and it's just in our best interests as a nation not to let those children lose body parts indiscriminately.

But we digress. See, it's not only young republicans who have to bear the burden of being nice and safe at home while the military slowly bleeds itself to death, now we must come to another group that must make the ultimate sacrifice. Another group of citizens who must be called upon by congress to step up and take one for the nation. No, we're not talking about SUV and Minivan drivers being asked buy more car magnets, we're not talking about democrats stepping in and putting an end to this travesty with an incredible act of bravery and conscience, we're talking about mothers.

The House had just voted, 412 to 0, to pass H. Res. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when Representative Todd Tiahrt (R-Thankless Brat), rose in protest. "Mr. Speaker, I move to reconsider the vote," he announced. "Because I am a flaming idiot and I'd like to make a complete fool of myself. I'd also like the record to show that I don't know how to address the Speaker if she's a woman." Representative Kathy Castor (D-Fla.), who has two young daughters, moved to send Tiahrt to the time out room and make him write 'I will call Representative Pelosi Madame Speaker' 100 times, setting up a revote. This time, 178 Republicans cast their votes against mothers. "Well, not all mothers," Tiahrt said. Just some mothers."

Republicans are now confronted with a John Kerry-esque predicament: They actually voted for motherhood before they voted against it. "Hey, the more you look into this 'mother' thing, the more sinister it becomes," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Did you know terrorists have mothers too?"

Later, Representative Tiahrt's mother issued a statement indicating that he would no longer be receiving packages of her special walnut chocolate circles, raspberry almond turnovers, or cinnamon maple cookie rings while in Washington, and there was the distinct possibility that at her next bridge club meeting she might let it slip that he wet the bed until he was 12.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Missouri! Motto: If You Want To Vote, That Better Be A Sun Tan

Time for another Ironicus Maximus political science lesson. Today's topic: Majority rule. If you were awake in Civics class that day, you learned that in a democracy 50% plus one vote is the line which a particular candidate must cross in order to be given the reigns of power, at least until the next election.

Today, for your continued edification we address the the question when is a majority just six drunk bubbas on the back porch? Answer: When you're in Missouri.

The battle over voting rights will expand this week as lawmakers in Missouri are expected to support a proposed constitutional amendment to enable election officials to require proof of citizenship from anyone registering to vote. "This isn't just show us your birth certificate" said State Representative Stanley Cox, a Republican and the sponsor of the amendment. "We're talking about bringing your mom and dad to the polling place with you and showing us their birth certificates. Oh, and you have to know who won the world series in 1956 too. Well, unless you're white. Then you get an exemption."

In Arizona, the only state that requires proof of citizenship to register to vote if you're brown, more than 38,000 voter registration applications have been thrown out since the state adopted its measure in 2004. "Hey look, if your last name is 'Gomez' do you really expect us just to take your word for it that you're a citizen," said one Arizona Republican lawmaker.

More than 70 percent of those registrations came from people who stated under oath that they were born in the United States, the data showed. "Swearing under oath doesn't get it," the lawmaker said. "Most of them Mexicans is catholic."

Supporters of voter suppression measures cite growing concerns that illegal immigrants will try to vote. They say proof of citizenship measures are an important way to improve the accuracy of registration rolls and the overall white voter confidence that they still control the process.

“The requirements we have right now are totally inadequate,” Mr. Cox said. “You can present a utility bill, and that doesn’t prove anything. Well, it proves you pay your utility bill, which probably means you have a job, which means you pay taxes. None of which should qualify you to vote."

From October 2002 to September 2005, the Justice Department indicted 40 voters for registration fraud or illegal voting, 21 of whom were noncitizens, according to department records. "What clearer evidence is necessary that our way of life is in danger?" Cox said. "Should we wait for a mushroom cloud over the voting booth?"

Lillie Lewis, a voter who lives in St. Louis and spoke at a news conference last week organized to oppose the amendment, said she already had a difficult time trying to get a photo ID from the state, which asked her for a birth certificate. Ms. Lewis, who was born in Mississippi and said she was 78 years old, said officials of that state sent her a letter stating that they had no record of her birth. “That’s downright wrong,” Ms. Lewis said. “I have voted in almost all of the presidential races going back I can’t remember how long, but if they tell me I need a passport or birth certificate that’ll be the end of that.”

"I don't know where Mrs. Lewis gets this inflated sense of entitlement," Cox said. "She ought to remember that it wasn't that long ago women couldn't vote at all, whether they had a birth certificate or not. Could happen again. Not saying it will, just that it could."

A 2006 federal rule intended to keep illegal immigrants from receiving Medicaid was widely criticized by state officials for shutting out tens of thousands of United States citizens who were unable to find birth certificates or other documents proving their citizenship. "Well, by now those people are too sick to make it to the polls anyway, so what's the problem?" said Thor Hearne, a lawyer for the American Center for Voting Rights, a conservative advocacy group.

“To those who have spent great energy opposing some of the voter registration or voter identification requirements, I would say their energy would be much better spent working toward trying to bounce those beaners back to where they came from,” Mr. Hearne said.

“The requirement is having a devastating effect on our voter registration work in Latino communities because so many citizens simply haven't been born white,” said Michael Slater, deputy director of Project Vote, a liberal advocacy group that is working with Acorn, a national organizing group, to sign up new voters in Arizona.

But Arizona officials say the measure is broadly popular in the state. “The white voters of Arizona feel strongly about proof of citizenship when registering to vote as a basic eligibility requirement that we totally made up,” said the secretary of state, Jan Brewer, a Republican. "Look, we don't mind if they watch our kids, or tend our gardens, but we dang sure don't want them electing our leaders, know what I'm saying?" he added.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Boo Yah!! The overlords get all up in those animal rights whackos faces! How you like us now biotch?

Supporters of the Greyhound Protection Act were dealt a minor blow after a House of Representatives panel voted 9-1 against a proposal aimed at banning greyhound racing.

"Minor blow?" "Minor?" Was Hiroshima "minor?" Was Saddam dealt a "Minor blow?" Did the Penguins deal the Ottawa Senators a "minor blow?" Who are the Ottawa Senators anyway? Well, never mind. The point is the overlords have got all up on the anti-racing people and opened a big old can o' whupass.

The ballot vote could have been sidestepped if legislators supported the measure and voted it into law, Carey Theil, senior adviser to the Committee to Protect Dogs said. Now the group must collect 11,099 signatures, in addition to the more than 100,000 already gathered, to move the initiative to the November ballot.

Hmm...another 11,000 signatures after you've already collected over 100,000. OK, maybe that's not such a big deal. What do you think Mr. Carney?

George L. Carney Jr., owner of the Raynham Taunton Greyhound Park, contends the Greyhound Protection Act is unconstitutional because the ballot is restricted to questions that affect the entire state. Carney contends the ban is not a statewide measure as it applies only to his track in Raynham and Wonderland Greyhound Park in Revere. "Look, most people with IQ's above that of fly paper have already decided exploiting animals for a few bucks is not a valid career path," Careny said. "Why pick on those of us who are mentally deficient, or have bad dental care?"

Right on Mr. C. Besides it's not like other states are trying to ban greyhound, right Susan Via, a former U.S. attorney?

A proposed ballot initiative for November could slow down racing at Tucson Greyhound Park.
Tucson Dog Protection, a newly formed animal welfare group that is critical of the racing industry's handling of greyhounds, is pushing a ballot measure to dramatically alter animal treatment.

Oh. Well, all righty then. At least the states are still willing to prop up the overlrods by letting them add slots because no one comes to see the dogs anymore, right Mr. Rooney?

As prospects for expanded gambling sputtered in the Florida Legislature, the owners of the Palm Beach Kennel Club said they'll contemplate a slots-free future for their 66-acre gambling complex at Belvedere Road and Congress Avenue.

Right. See what can happen when a forward looking legislature confronts a...wait a minute, what?

"In the coming months, my family will look at our property, assess the possibilities for its enhancement (both gaming and non-gaming) and see what we can do to maximize its potential," Patrick Rooney said. Everything from offices to homes to a flea market could be on the table, Rooney wrote in an e-mail. Umm...we didn't see greyhound track in there.

OK, so Florida isn't the most progressive state in the union anyway. Maybe Mr. Rooney should consider moving his operations to Kansas, right Mr. Ruffin?

The owner of Camptown Greyhound Park has ended negotiations with the Kansas Lottery that would reopen the racetrack with slot machines, the Lottery Commission said. Lottery Commission spokeswoman Sally Lunsford said Camptown owner Phil Ruffin left the bargaining table on Friday.

"Mr. Ruffin had to leave for an appointment with the personnel department at Walmart," a spokesperson for Camptown Greyhound Park told reporters.

Well, that's an ouch we'd imagine. Perhaps Mr. Ruffin should seek his fortune in Colorado. What do you think Mr. Seymour?

It appears that changes will happen at Mile High Greyhound Park this summer. In a worst-case scenario, those changes could be drastic. Speculation has been raised that the track in Commerce City might shut its doors permanently, perhaps as soon as July 1. At the very least, the track appears poised to significantly reduce its schedule.

Oh. Sorry we asked. So, is there any good news in greyhound Oh yeah, Moon got out. Yay Moon!

Moon is energetic and full of curiosity. He is happy, playful, and very affectionate. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Moon would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Toledo! Motto: Heck, Now Even Ohio Doesn't Want Us

We're coming to you today from the History Department here in the marbled halls if IM Central. Well, actually no we're not. We're just watching sports on the wide screen plasma, but we do get the history channel on cable.

The point is...the history point is...back in 1835 Michigan and Ohio got in a little tiff. And Michigan wasn't even a state yet, which tells you a little bit about some of our compensation issues. Anyway, WE TOTALLY KICKED OHIO'S BUCKEYED LITTLE BUTT!!1!! BOO YAH!! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS CLEVELAND? YOU WANNA DANCE?!!

We're sorry. Where were we...oh yeah, to settle the dispute we let Ohio keep Toledo and they gave us the upper peninsula which is a total smack down because keeping the upper peninsula would have made Ohio the only state ever with it's own suburb, but instead they end up with the Mudhens and we get The Mystery Spot.

OK, fast forward to now and the deal we got back in the day looks even better, if you're into, like, justice, fairness, equality and stuff like that. To wit:
I read with great interest Michael Miller's column, "Gay Rights and Wrongs."I respectfully submit a different perspective for Miller and Toledo Free Press readers to consider, namely SHOOT PEOPLE WHO ARE INFECTED WITH TEH GAYZ!!!
As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo's Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are "civil rights victims." Here's why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman, but if TEH GAYZ would just stop being so concerned with their wardrobe and decorating their apartments, maybe they'd find the time to go out and get drunk at a singles bar, then wake up with a stranger of the opposite sex like us heteros do. Problem solved.
Daily, thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle evidenced by the growing population of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex Gays) and Exodus International just to name a few.
Umm..that would be this PFOX and this Exodus.
Frequently, the individuals report that the impetus to their change of heart and lifestyle was a transformative experience with God; other times it's after they get the living crap beat out of them for the twentieth time. Either way works for me.
My final and most important point. There is a divine order. God created human kind male and female (Genesis 1:27). God created humans with an inalienable right to choose. Some choose to violate the will of god and be born gay, others choose to be bigoted towards those people. You figure out which god wants.
And here's a final bit of ironicus for your maximus. The author of this article is an associate vice president of human relations at the University of Toledo. Yeah. Human relations. You know, making sure people get treated fairly and with respect. Hahahahaha! Have fun working there all you girlie men girls.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Hey. What Happens If You Push This Button? Oops. My Bad

We're coming to you from the Department of Technological Technification here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. The DoTT is located somewhere under the exploded spaghetti pot of wires running all over the place, some of which probably go to something, but all of which we are afraid to disconnect, even if it would keep most of this equipment from constantly flashing 12:00 at us.

We tell you this by way of sympathizing with president Bush who seems to be having his own set of problems dealing with 21st century data storage and transmission devices, although, to be fair our problems usually arise from Stoli being spilled on the keyboard.

The Bush administration has not found disaster recovery files for White House e-mails from a three-month time period in 2003, raising the possibility that messages sent before and after the invasion of Iraq may not be recovered until someone can figure out a way to open Cheney's man sized safe. "We think we might have lost them when the levees broke," said a White House aide. "Oh wait. Wrong disaster. Um...mice ate them?"

That period was one of the most crucial of the Bush presidency. The United States launched the invasion of Iraq on March 20, 2003, and President Bush declared the end of major combat operations on May 1. "We really don't think the president sent any e-mails during that period," said White House chief information officer, Theresa Payton. "Most of the time he was down in the map room pushing the little tanks and ships around and making war sounds."

Two federal statutes require presidential communications, including e-mails involving senior White House aides, to be preserved for the nation's historical record. "Come on now," said one White House aide. "Are you really sure you want to remember this administration?"

The White House's electronic archiving system has come under scrutiny from Democrats who allege that nearly 500 days' worth of White House e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may be missing. "I blame static electricity," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

The administration said in a brief, filed with U.S. Magistrate John M. Facciola of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia, that a court proposal to search and preserve all e-mail records on the White House network would "yield marginal benefits at best, while imposing substantial burdens and disruptions" on the government.

"Not only that, if we did happen to find them it could impose even more 'substantial burdens and disruptions' on us because our scrawny white butts might end up in the slammer," said one senior aide who asked not to be named.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Hillary Clinton! Motto: She'd Be Driving a Truck. If She Had A Truck

Voting Day! Yay! Finally we put this bad boy to bed. Or maybe not. Boo! Look. We're as patriotic as the next guy, if the next guy is Karl Marx. And speaking of economics, let's see how Hillary's gas tax holiday plan is doing.

We'll give you a moment to recover from that segue.


Clinton is hoping to ride voter discontent about rising gas prices to victory Tuesday with her proposal for a summer gas-tax holiday, even though she is taking heat from economists who agree with Obama that it’s a "gimmick" that would give little relief to drivers while diverting money from road repair. "Hey, ignoring experts worked for George Bush," said one campaign aide. "Why shouldn't the Senator have her turn?"

Pressed during an interview to name a single economist who supported her plan, Clinton said, "I’m not going to put in my lot with economists." She dismissed critics of her plan as "elites" and said she knew the needs of working people. "You know those people who go to elite colleges and get all educated and stuff?" said the Wellesley alum and Yale Law School graduate. "Well, they don't know nuttin' about nuttin'. Now watch me do this shot."

"Who understands what you’re going through?" she asked the crowd at Indiana Tech. "People drive a lot of long distances in Indiana. I’ve driven a lot of long distances in Indiana. Of course my gas bill is paid by yokels like you who contribute to my campaign, but that's not my point."

Clinton’s highest-ranking supporter here, Senator Evan Bayh, tried to lower expectations, telling the Sun-Times that Clinton started way behind rival Barack Obama. "He has outspent her 2-1, and he has won every other state that borders Illinois. I think it’s very close. It could go either way. She's definitely going to have to bump up her boilermaker consumption if she wants to win this one."

Later, Hillary belched the national anthem at a rally in Elkhart, Indiana.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Five Star Hotel Only $50 A Night. Flak Jacket Included

We're coming to you today from the Department of Ponies and Fairy Dust here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoPFD in partnership with the president's council on economic resurgence wants you to know that even though gas prices are spiking, housing is in the tank, jobs are scarcer than lips on a snake and even if you get one, your wages are a joke; even with all that, your president has a plan to make you independently wealthy. All you have to do is become a contractor first.

Try to imagine luxury hotels, a shopping center and even condos in the heart of Baghdad. That's all part of a five-year development "dream list" — or what some dub Bush listening to the voices in his head again— to transform the U.S.-protected Green Zone from a walled fortress into a walled fortress that is the centerpiece for Baghdad's future. The $5 billion plan has the backing of the Pentagon since it's not their money and apparently the interest of some deep pockets in the world of international crime, the lead military liaison for the project told the Associated Press. "This is like full employment for contractors," the liaison said. "As soon as we build it, the jihadis will blow it up, and even if they don't, it'll be so poorly built we'll have to come in and tear it down anyway."

For Washington, the driving motivation is to create a "moat of cash" around the new $700 million U.S. Embassy to serve as a kind of alternate target area for the compound, whose total price tag will reach about $1 billion after all the workers and offices are relocated over the next year. "Well, that's metaphorical," said Navy Captain Thomas Karnowski, who led the team that created the development plan after a weekend of hashish and peyote. "It's not like we're going to dig a hole and fill it with actual dollars, although that was discussed at one point."

"When you have $1 billion hanging out there and 1,000 employees lying around, you kind of want to know who your neighbors are," Karnowski said. "Especially when most of those neighbors want to see you dead."

For the moment, however, it's mortars and rockets pouring into the Green Zone. Militants have escalated their shelling of the enclave since Iraqi forces began a crackdown on Shiite militias in late March. "Look at the bright said," Karnowski said. "Every building they blow up is one less we have to tear down for the amusement park."

"There is no sewer system, no working power system. Everything here is done on generators. No road system repair work. There are no city services other than the minimal amount we provide to get by," Karnowski said. "Of course the same can be said for most of the rest of the country, but we figure if we can make this happen the Iraqis will can come and hang out at our mall when their hovels get to hot in the summer. It's part of our hearts and minds campaign."

Security is nowhere near the level needed for major development projects. Then there is the question of whether the Iraqi government even wants U.S. involvement in developing the center of their capital. "Oh yeah. We really want the Americans to build their own little gated community right in the center of our capital city while the rest of us get by on three hours of electricity a day," said one Iraqi official who asked not to be identified.

Iraqis also complain that the Americans — because they control security in the Green Zone — essentially hold a veto over the investors. Karnowski acknowledged that American officials would vet potential investors because of a "vested interest in making sure most of this money goes back into patriotic corporations like Halliburton. We'll hire some Iraqis though, don't worry."

Karnowski is aware the Green Zone plan is viewed as unrealistic by many, primarily people with IQ's higher than sand fleas. "If you talk to people at the State Department, they still believe a hotel isn't going up. But it is a done deal," Karnowski said of the Marriott project.

Elizabeth Caminiti, a Marriott spokeswoman, declined to comment, but instead pointed her index finger at her temple and twirled it around.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

There is no joy in Mudville today. The mighty overlords have struck out.

The Senate defeated a proposal that would have allowed the holders of 2 inactive jai alai permits to turn their permits into greyhound racing permits. "Frying pan. Fire," said one legislator. "Why these guys don't just give it up and get a real job I'll never know."

Senator Dan Webster, R-Winter Garden, described the proposal as "disgusting, nauseating," and a waste of the Senate's time. "We need to get on to important things, like the Christian license plate. That's what the voters expect from us."

Many lawmakers, including veteran Sen. Jim King, R-Jacksonville, were surprised the measure failed since House Speaker Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, had indicated a willingness to support it. Later it was determined Rubio had been drunk at the time he made his initial announcement.

Well, that's too bad. The opportunities in greyhound racing are very attractive right now.

Pari-mutuel wagering in Florida was down in March. The state's pari-mutuel facilities reported $140.4 million in handle for the month, down 12 percent from $159.3 million a year ago.

OK, more attractive than picking tomatoes for Burger King, but hey, you go where your skills take you right Monarch?

Monarch is a really friendly dog. He really likes his foster mom; he will circle her and rub all the way around her. He’s just really affectionate with foster mom. He’s really going to be a great pet. Monarch would do best with a family that can spend a lot of time with him and he would be great as an only dog. He enjoys the company of another dog, but doesn’t need it. He would do well in a family with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Hallmark Should Have A Card

Oh. Hello. Didn't see you come in. We're just finishing the decorations for Mission Accomplished Day. This is a very special day you know and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central want everything to be just right. There. What do you think?

Wonder how the war's biggest fan, John '100 years' McCain is celebrating the holiday.

Republican John McCain said President Bush should not be held responsible for the much-criticized "Mission Accomplished" banner five years ago. "Look, you know Bush didn't have anything to do with that banner. All the words were spelled right."

"So all I can tell you was that I was the strongest advocate, or one of the strongest advocates, for changing to adopt the surge," McCain told reporters. "And I think that history will judge me by the fact that I thought it was wrong."

When asked to explain what he had just said McCain responded that it wasn't necessary for him to make sense as people who were voting for him "probably didn't have a real good grasp of what was going on anyway."

After shifting explanations, the White House eventually said the "Mission Accomplished" phrase referred to the carrier's crew completing its 10-month mission, not the military completing its mission in Iraq. "It's an old Navy tradition," said a White House spokesperson. "Goes back to the French and Indian war or something."

A spokesperson for the Navy later disputed the White House account saying the ship had been experiencing trouble with its plumbing and the banner had meant to inform the crew repairs were complete and they could use the toilets on board again.