Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

We're going to step out of character for a moment today and be serious. Serious and sober. OK, serious. Umm...this isn't turning out right.

Actually we do have some important information to pass along today. As you probably know, rather than face the fact that their days of riding to glory on the backs of innocent animals are coming to a close, the overlords have been desperately trying to export their soulless "sport" to countries where the populace has the IQ of wallpaper. Floral wallpaper of course--we're not trying to be insulting or anything. Anyway, one of those countries was Guam where it turns out the people can actually read and think so the overlords' attempt to convince them that greyhound racing was anything other than heartless exploitation of the dogs has failed.

As usual though when this happens, the ones left holding the bag are the dogs. Which is where you come in. Take a minute to click on over to this site, read up on what's happening in Guam and, if you're able send a few shekels their way. Yeah, yeah, we know we're asking you to clean up another overlord mess, but that's the problem with being born with a heart big enough for compassion and empathy--people without souls take advantage of you from time to time.

And now back to the show.

Speaking of the future of greyhound racing, we ran across a couple of stories this week that sort of underscore why the overlords have decided that their attempts to remain out of the workforce is going to mean taking up residence in third world countries--at least until the literacy rate in said countries gets to about 18%.

You may remember a while back we told you about the track at Hinsdale going belly up. Turns out the overlords there were in a race with the state to see who could declare failure faster.

Even if the Hinsdale Greyhound Track hadn't declared bankruptcy in December, it probably would have been shut down by the state Timothy Connors, chairman of the New Hampshire Racing and Charitable Gaming Commission, says the decision was influenced by the attorney general's investigation into the track's finances and business practices. "Look, when 80% of your income stream comes for the Coke machine in the lobby, it's pretty obvious you're in trouble," Connors said.

Yeah. That whole profit thing seems to be a pretty slippery concept when it comes to greyhound right Rolando Pablos, the Texas racing commission chairman?

Faced with a shortfall of 14 percent, nearly $678,000 , the commission that oversees horse and dog racing in Texas has asked Gov. Rick Perry for a $250,000 emergency grant to finish the fiscal year that ends Aug. 31 in the black. The racing commission attributes $70,000 of the shortfall to the impact of last year's hurricanes on track revenues. It blames the rest on a factor likely reflecting decreased betting.

Man, sounds like the overlords in Texas are better off with a hurricane than a Saturday matinee and evening card. Good thing legislators in other states aren't realizing that what a money pit greyhound racing is.


Ongoing efforts to ban live greyhound racing continue to plague Yankee Greyhound Racing in Seabrook, most recently at a public hearing in Concord. Seabrook and Belmont Race Track are the only remaining greyhound race tracks in New Hampshire, following the recent closing of the track in Hinsdale. While a bill sponsored by Rep. Mary Cooney, D-Plymouth, seeks to ban the sport entirely. "I did the math, and if the workers form these tracks went on unemployment, they'd be better off and it would cost the state less," Cooney told reporters at the press conference announcing her bill.

Ouch. Well, at least there's the rest of the world to exploit right Mr. Neilan?

Attendance at greyhound racing dropped by 12% last year, according to figures released by the Irish Greyhound Board. Just over 1.1m people attended race meetings last year, said chief executive Adrian Neilan. In December, the board announced it would cut costs by €2m and the chief executive and other managers have taken a 5% pay cut, while salaries above €50,000 have been frozen.

Doggone UN literacy programs. What's wrong with those people Sierra?

Sierra is very laid back and easy going. She likes to encourage the other dogs in the home to play with her. She is affectionate, and will approach for pets. She will leap in the air when she is happy while on a walk. She loves to follow her foster mom around the house and loves to cuddle. Sierra would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

In His Defense, Where In The Constitution Does It Say Poor People Can Have Sex?

Frequent readers of this blog know the invisible hand has given them the that we frequently take the overlords to task for their, how to say this politely, inhumane heartlessness and soulless disregard for the well being of the animals they so hypocritically say they care for, namely greyhounds. Yeah, that's about right.

Anyway, say what you will about the overlords...go ahead...say what you will. We'll wait. dum dee dum dum do dee dee do...ah...Oh, finished? OK, on with our story.

We remind you of our opinion of the fundamental lack of humanness of the overlords because, while you may have picked up on our implication that there is in fact no lower form of life than these people, we are here to tell you that yes, in fact, there is, and wouldn't you know it, it's a state legislator. Surprised? Yeah, us neither.

A Republican legislator's remarks about sexuality sparked a bitter volley at the state Capitol, the second time in three days such comments have created controversy. Although unwilling to publicly discuss the issue, some Republicans privately expressed dismay, fearing the comments may hurt their party's image.

OK, when republicans are worried you might have hurt their image, you've done something right up there with getting caught beating a homeless disabled veteran to death with a puppy or something.

Sen. Dave Schultheis, of Colorado Springs, opposed a bill requiring pregnant women to be tested for HIV so that if they are infected their babies can be treated to prevent the virus's transfer."This stems from sexual promiscuity for the most part, and I just can't go there," he said. "Plus, they're mostly darkies," he added.

"We do things continually to remove the consequences of poor behavior, unacceptable behavior, quite frankly. I'm not convinced that part of the role of government should be to protect individuals from the negative consequences of their actions." He added, "Well, actually it's the children who are paying for the mistakes of their parents, but that's a minor point."

Two days earlier, Sen. Scott Renfroe, of Greeley, used biblical references in linking murder and homosexuality during debate on a bill to extend health benefits to the partners of gay and lesbian state workers. "It's bad enough we let the homos work, now we've got to keep them healthy too?" he asked.

The Capitol was abuzz about Schultheis' remarks on a bill that had the support of every other Senate Republican, including Senate Minority Leader Josh Penry, who signed on as a co-sponsor.
Former Gov. Bill Owens said he was puzzled over Schultheis' "no" vote."It's extremely inconsistent for any person who is pro-life to oppose this effort to potentially save the life of a child," he said."Hey, there's fetuses and there's fetuses," Schultheis replied.

The sponsor, Sen. Lois Tochtrop, D-Thornton, pointed out that not everyone who is HIV-positive got the virus through sexual contact. "And not everyone who is a republican got their brains out of a Cracker Jack Box like Schultheis." he added.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Republicans! Motto: It's Never Too Soon To Start Lowering Expectations For 2012

"Bobby" Jindal? We've got two words: Ha. Ha. Where do the republicans get these people? The Newt Gingrich School of Political Philosophy and Clown College?

Now, we watched "Bobby's" response to the president last night and as soon as he walked out of the bathroom he had apparently been hiding in, our first thought was this guy got shoved into his locker a lot in high school. And in between those times he was probably pushed into the girl's bathroom.

Then he began to talk and hoochie mama we had to turn the tee vee sound down because the crazy was pouring out and filling up the place.
Today in Washington, some are promising that government will rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us. Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina -- we have our doubts.
Umm...Governor? "Bobby?" That would be the republican president and the republican Congress back then Bud. You sure you want to open with that?
The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the compassionate hearts and the enterprising spirit of our citizens.
Who right now are losing their homes and their jobs faster than jambalaya disappears and a Clifton Chenier concert.
To solve our current problems, Washington must lead. But the way to lead is not to raise taxes...That is why Republicans put forward plans to create jobs by lowering income tax rates for working families...
Yeah. All six working families left.
But Democratic leaders in Congress -- they rejected this approach. Instead of trusting us to make wise decisions with our own money, they passed the largest government spending bill in history, with a price tag of more than $1 trillion with interest. While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government, $8 billion for high-speed rail projects, such as a "magnetic levitation" line from Las Vegas to Disneyland, and $140 million for something called "volcano monitoring."
Oh, you betcha. Anything with "levitation" in it has to have something to do with the devil, right? Luckily you have experience in those matters. And "volcano monitoring"? Right. Like we aren't going to notice when they erupt. PS: $140 million in a $1 trillion package is .014 percent. Just saying.
Democratic leaders say their legislation will grow the economy. What it will do is grow the government, increase our taxes down the line, and saddle future generations with debt. Who among us would ask our children for a loan, so we could spend money we do not have, on things we do not need?
Erm...that would be your republican administration and Congress of the last eight years.
To strengthen our economy, we need urgent action to keep energy prices down.
OK, so all those people out of work won't be buying gasoline, natural gas and heating oil. That should help prices. It's called the poverty price stabilization program.
To strengthen our economy, we also need to address the crisis in health care.
Also not a problem because people with no jobs probably don't have insurance either, so they'll be dying off leaving more for the rest of us. Sort of a republican version of natural selection if you want. Oh, sorry. Forgot you don't believe in that stuff.
To strengthen our economy, we also need to make sure every child in America gets the best possible education.
Aw, come on. How much education does it take to be able to pick up the used towels from the country club locker room and see they get to the laundry?
To strengthen our economy, we must promote confidence in America by ensuring ours is the most ethical and transparent system in the world.
And we've taken a giant step in that direction by booting the republicans out of office, so thank you for your time Governor "Bobby." Now if you'll just step over here next to the Ladies Rest Room, we'd like to have a word with you in private.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Is It Ethically Reponsible For The President To Engage In A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Man?

Our old daddy used to say that when someone invites you over to their house, you don't thank them by taking a dump on the rug. We mention that because President Obama invited his nemesis (if you can call someone with enough senile dementia to fuel three counties in the craziest part of California for six months a nemesis) senator McCain over to the White house today for the fiscal responsibility summit and the senior senator from the state of the 24/7 Early Bird Specials repaid the complement by trying to drop a stinker right on the carpet:

At the closing session of the "fiscal responsibility summit" at the White House President Obama graciously introduced John McCain and invited him to go first in raising a point or asking a question. McCain apparently thought he'd get in a little dig at his former campaign rival, and began talking about the bloated Pentagon budget. "We all know how large the defense budget is," the Arizona Republican said. "We all know that the cost overruns, your helicopter is now going to cost as much as Air Force One. I don't think that there's any more graphic demonstration of how good ideas have cost taxpayers enormous amount of money."

Well, to be fair, bad ideas also cost the taxpayers an enormous amount of money too, like you know, your broken down clown car of a presidential campaign? Just saying.

The president, taking away the senator's fun, agreed.

"I've already talked to [Defense Secretary Robert] Gates about a thorough review of the helicopter situation. The helicopter I have now seems perfectly adequate to me. Of course, I've never had a helicopter before. So, you know, maybe -- maybe I've been deprived and I didn't know it. But I think it is an example of the procurement process gone amuck, and we're going to have to fix it."

Oh, Snap! We said Snap senator, SNAP! You know, in your face? It means you've been punked. Dissed. Verbally spat upon. Is any of this getting through? Did he get all his meds today?

This almost certainly isn't what McCain had in mind. At a White House gathering on fiscal responsibility, McCain wanted to needle Obama on wasting federal funds on a new Marine One helicopter. Instead, the president voiced his agreement.

We agree. Probably what McCain had in mind was a concern his Depends would give out before the meeting was over. There was after all, a deposit the size of a French Baguette in there and now, thanks to the President, McCain was going to have to take it home with him.

On the bright side though, the Metamucil seems to be doing its job.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dollars? We Don't Need No Stinking Dollars

OK, last week we ruminated on the number of times a person had to be dropped on his or her head as a child in order to be sufficiently scrambled as to be a state legislator. We think we have an answer: Three times less than the number of times it takes to be a governor.

Republican governors were split over whether to accept all of the money their states stand to receive from a $787 billion economic stimulus plan which President Barack Obama signed last week. "Well, you're talking about helping out the people of Mississippi, or remaining true to the principals I abandoned all during the Bush years," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "I'm sure the people of Mississippi understand why it's necessary for them to remain jobless and lose their homes and will support me in this difficult decision. Now, watch this drive."

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and Louisiana's Bobby Jindal have also said they would reject the unemployment funds, which make up a small proportion of the overall package. "Hey, South Carolina has a long history of not giving a hoot about people in need. Why should we start now just because president comrade is handing out free money to his homies?" said Sanford.

"Right," added Jindal. "Louisiana is number two in highest poverty rate. You think we're going to get to number one by taking money from Washington?"

"What we would be required to do would be, for the first time, increase the level of benefit for part-time workers." said Barbour. "Since most people work part time no benefit jobs in Mississippi anyway, that would really enlarge the program and when you do that people get to expecting their government to help them out when they're in trouble. Is that the kind of America you want to live in?"

Later, speaking to reporters at a National Governors' Association meeting in Washington, Sanford listed some other monies he did not want, possibly including $42 million for retrofitting state buildings to be more energy efficient. Look, the world's gonna end in three years anyway," Sanford said. "I saw it on the tee vee one night when I was watching wrasslin. Besides, this is South Carolina. The legislators usually just wear wife beaters and come barefoot to work anyway. They're comfortable."

But California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, also a Republican, said on ABC's "This Week" he would gladly take all the money. When told Governor Schwarzenegger was waiting for them in the parking lot after the meeting, Barbour, Sanford and Jindal left by a side door.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

We're going to do something a little different today and instead of peaking in on the overlords--who we are told are all at a shoe tying seminar anyway (End the embarrassment of Velcro straps!)--we're going to tell you about one of the IM Central pack o' hounds, Vacume.

Yes, that's right, Vacume. And that's the spelling too. We don't know, so don't ask. All we know is that was his racing name and when his original owner adopted him off of a track in Florida she decided to keep it. After four years she was unable to care for him anymore and he came to the marbled halls as a foster. By that time he was nine years old and competing with two and three year olds in the adoption market proved to be a real challenge.

After a few months and no interest Mrs. IM decided that we should make the arrangement permanent and formally induct him into the pack. This was fine with Vacume whose needs were always pretty simple: Food, soft pillow and his giant stuffed rat, which he never chewed, but was slowly dissolving due to the many years it had soaked in dog drool.

So Vacume came to live with us, taking the job of greyhound ambassador over from Rollie, who was two years older than Vacume and quite ready to retire and spend his days lying in the sun contemplating lunch, or whatever meal was coming. And Vacume was good at diplomacy too. He visited schools, retirement homes, and Brownie groups. He went to trade shows, exhibitions and even dog shows where, even though he wasn't a competitor, he was still a standout and a crowd favorite.

Because greyhounds don't get any dental care at the track and their diets consist of what can most charitably be described as a toxic mush, they tend to have issues with their teeth and Vacume was no exception. Over the years, despite often heroic efforts by the Vet, Vacume lost all but about four of his teeth. Two of the teeth he kept were his lower canines, and because he had lost his upper ones, the lower ones stuck out over his lips thus earning him the nickname Count Vacula.

Through it all though, Vacume maintained a cheery disposition and even retained the ability to work a Milkbone, although it was never clear if he actually manipulated it in such a way as to chew it, or just let it dissolve in his mouth like a piece of hard candy. For a racing greyhound he was never into competition very much and while the other two were tearing around the yard like crazy dogs, he would seek out the shade of the pine tree and lie in the hole that he had dug underneath it. That hole was his project too, and eventually it was so deep that when he would go lie in it, you could only see the tops of his ears sticking up above ground.

Mrs. IM says that if you look up laid back in the dictionary Vacume's picture will be next to it, and we have no reason to doubt it because a perfect day for Vacume was: go outside, eat, nap, go outside, have a snack, nap, eat, go outside, go to bed. Repeat. We looked up his racing record once and the kindest way to describe it is undistinguished, but he was a dog who really came into his own when he got to retirement. He was a pro at it. We tell you all this because last night Vacume lost his battle with kidney disease and passed away at the ripe old age of 13 and a half. They say when a dog dies he takes a piece of your heart with him, but leaves you a piece of his. It is a lasting gift and for that, and for him. we will always be grateful.

Vacume 1995 - 2009

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Queer Eye For The Infidel

OK, here's our question: How many times do you have to be dropped on your head as a child before you are qualified to become a legislator in your state? Earlier this week we told you about Virginia delegate Jeff Frederick who, when he isn't legislating is apparently out chanting incantations to ward off evil disease spirits. Or people with IQ's higher than grapefruit. Whichever.

Tennessee legislators, presiding over a state with the 9th highest poverty rate in the US, the sixth most dangerous state to live in according to CQ press crime state rankings, and a literacy rate of 47% are currently focusing their attention on President Obama's birth certificate.

Now along comes Utah, where state senator Chris Buttars is taking time away from helping close the state's $272.4 million budget deficit to explain why Teh Gays (!!1!!) and Muslims are all like potato, potahto.

OK, first of all, a guy with butt in his name should be very careful about his position regarding the homos. (Get it? Butt? Position? This blog has layers, man, layers!)

Buttars makes this strong comment in an upcoming documentary about Prop 8. And they come just a year after remarks by Buttars greatly offended many African-Americans. "Hey, when I said that I didn't even know there were any darkies in Utah," Buttars said. "Not that it would have made a difference because I'm not a racist. I went to a Bill Cosby show once in Las Vegas. That's one funny negro."

Sen. Chris Buttars: "Homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts. But I don't care because I'm not at all interested in the homos, with their long muscular legs and their high, firm little bottoms in those skin tight jeans. Is it hot in here? Can someone get me a glass of water?"

And even though Buttars says in the documentary interview,..."the ACLU - bless their black hearts...," it’s his other comments which may get the strongest reaction. Like this one which the documentary maker confirms is about gays. "They're mean. They want to talk about being nice. They're the meanest buggers I have ever seen."

"Buggers?" Come on senator, you're making this too easy.

And just seconds later, Buttars draws a comparison between some gays and radical Muslims. "It's just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side.” When asked what the "radical side" was for gay people Buttars replied, "Well, you know, that whole liking your own kind thing. Now, when it comes to the ladies, I don't have a problem with that. In fact, when I was in college I saw this movie once at the frat house...I think it was a documentary about women's prisons...well, never mind."

And finally, this is how senator Buttars refers to the "radical gay movement:" "They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."

"Going down?" Criminy! Hey Buttars, you got air conditioning in your closet?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The George W Bush Presidential Library! Motto: We Gotcher FOIA Right Here Buddy

We're coming to you today from the Do It Yourself Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DIY is a subsidiary of the This Is Just Too Easy Corporation, in Partnership with We Can't Make This Stuff Up, LLC.

OK, here's your instructions:

Step 1: George Bush is wants to build a presidential library at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

Step 2: No one wants to pay for it.

Combine step 1 and step 2 for hours of hilarious fun!

Here are some starters for you:

George Bush needs a library like a duck needs a Lamborghini.

Five hundred million for a library that will have two books in it?

The Dick Cheney wing will be booby trapped.

Balloons for the kids!

The souvenir shop will have the buckshot taken out of Harry Whittington's face!

The "Shock and Awe" room will have actual plastic soldiers and battle ships Bush used to plan the invasion of Iraq.

The presidential paper will be on prominent display.

The Laura Bush Lounge and Self Medication room is available for meetings and events.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Virginia! Motto: The Best 18th Century Money Can Buy

What is it about Virginia? Frequent readers of this blog know the slow, tedious drip of days emptying their mean know that we've visited Virginia on several occasions for a fast foray into hilarity. Now, in most of the country Darwin Day was subsumed in the national celebration of trite cards, overpriced flowers and cheap chocolates known as Valentine's Day, but in the great state of Virgina, legislators took it upon themselves to acknowledge this scientific milestone with a bit of good old American numbskullery. Let's listen in:

Yes, well what can you say to that? "Darwin's theory was used by atheists to explain away god." So, apparently before about 1840 everybody believed in god and the world was mud luscious and puddle wonderful. Right Mr. Jefferson?
Jefferson's severe redaction was probably a retaliatory act, as much as anything, against priests and ministers—"soothsayers and necromancers," Jefferson called them—who had unleashed attacks on his character during the acrimonious presidential election of 1800. Jefferson believed that an authentic Christianity had long ago been hijacked by the Christian Church. The teachings of its founder had become so distorted as to make "one half of the world fools, and the other half hypocrites."
All righty then, Mr. Frederick, in which camp do you pitch your tent?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

This week we found out that even though everyone with the common sense god gave a black blister beetle has concluded that the last eight years of republican economic theory have to put this politely...outside of the hoped for parameters, republicans, especially republicans in the house, think everything will work out for the best if we just give their ideas one more try. Because, you see, you never know how close to success you are. Maybe it's just around the corner. Maybe it only exists in your head.

Well, taking a page for the republican manual, the overlords in New Hampshire have decided that just because they preside over a dying industry; just because other states have decided to end animal exploitation; and just because career opportunities for third grade dropouts with substance abuse problems are not as plentiful as they used to be, it's time they put their collective feet down and said enough! Enough concern for the animals! Enough expecting that overlord labor should somehow benefit to someone or something! It's time to fight back.

Officials with New Hampshire's two remaining greyhound racetracks urged lawmakers on Tuesday to vote against a bill that would ban the sport. Karen Keelan, president of Yankee Greyhound Racing in Seabrook, acknowledged the track is losing money but said the state should let the tracks decide when dog racing no longer makes financial sense. "We're the trained professionals here," said Keelan. "Well, if by trained you mean housebroken, and if by professional you mean...OK so we're not professionals, but you try getting a real job when your only skill is knowing which side of the door to reach for when opening it."

She said Yankee Greyhound makes more money simulcasting races from elsewhere than from live racing at the track, but the greyhound races attract bettors. "Well, 'bettors' is a bit of a strong word since most of them are broke and those who do have money usually spend it on drugs in the parking lot before they come in, but still we can sometimes get unredeemed lottery tickets off of them."

Keelan said her track has a "no kill" policy unless it's medically necessary and the track actively seeks out homes for dogs that are retired from racing, but when pressed admitted that a lot of those homes "are in heaven."

Legislators defeated a similar bill two years ago. That bill would have shut down the Seabrook track and tracks in Belmont and Hinsdale. The Hinsdale track recently closed. "Right," Keelan said. "So why pass it now. We'll probably be bankrupt in a couple of years anyway. Wait, that didn't come out right."

Rep. Fran Wendelboe, R-New Hampton said she had visited the Seabrook track and found the dogs friendly and well cared for, "if you count being an enemy combatant at Gitmo being well cared for."

Yeah. We kind of wonder about that "friendly" too. You think those were smiles or snarls Starry?

Starry has such loving eyes. She’s curious of everything; if there is an empty box lying on the floor she needs to check it out. She a bit skittish around people. She will stand at the top of the stairs, while her foster mom is in the basement, but then as soon as her foster mom comes up she will run back into the living room. She won’t follow you, but she will go and look for you. She’s playing with squeaky toys now. Starry would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She needs another dog in the home to help her understand home life. She is very attached to the other greyhound in the foster home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

This Is The Party That Thought Hackers Were People Who Smoked A Lot

OK, full disclosure: We don't pretend to understand half of what's going on out here in the Blogistan. Even before we've had a chance to lubricate our muse with an adult beverage or two it's still pretty much a mystery to us how most of this stuff appears on our computer screen. So you can imagine our surprise when we see the republican party welcoming their new electronic overlords with a zeal they usually reserve for the incoming class of Congressional Pages. It's a puzzle thinks us, that a party whose platform is pretty much out of the nineteenth century (as are most of its members) would aspire to become the new Technorati.

Well, as Arthur Clarke said, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." And when you put that magic in the hands of people still honked off that women can vote, the results are predictably hilarious.

Yesterday the Virginia GOP came very close to taking control of the state Senate, nearly luring a Democratic Senator to switch parties and put them at a 20-20 tie, which would have been broken by the Republican Lt. Governor. Then Jeff Frederick, a state legislator and the party chairman, ruined it all by Twittering.

The author then goes on to lay bare the concept that apparently slipped by Mr. Frederick:

Really, Mr. Frederick, you don't live-blog about ongoing secret negotiations!

Details, details details. Look, he was probably just trying to track back to that...erm...male enhancement ad and pressed the wrong button. Could have happened to anybody, right Mr. Hoekstra?

The Pentagon is reviewing its communications with lawmakers traveling to war zones following a senior member’s disclosures about a delegation trip to Iraq and Afghanistan. Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top-ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, told reporters about the trip days before the group departed and then posted updates on the delegation’s approximate location every few hours using the Twitter social networking service. "Wait, you mean anybody can read this?" Hoekstra asked.

Yeah. Well, that's why they call you twits Congressman. Or, as no doubt Mr. Tedisco prefers, twidiots.

Up in New York State, James Tedisco is running for Congress in the 20th District. And, as blogger Phillip Anderson reports, "It seems someone [associated with Tedisco's campaign] decided it would be soooo awesome to scoop up every Tweet tagged "#ny20" and dump it directly to their front page." And so, Tedisco's website became an awesome source of Tedisco oppo:

Dang kids and their electronicals. Maybe you should go back to coming out on your porch in your robe and yelling at everyone to get off your lawn.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Dominus Is Free, But That Vobiscum, Ah, That's Gonna Cost You

OK, we'll be the first to admit that we didn't pay a whole lot of attention back in catechism class, a fact that often got us whacked by sister Victorine as she patrolled the aisles overseeing our progress in the class workbooks (Complete the following sentence: Christ died for your: a) Posse, b) Sins, c) Fashion mistakes, d) All of the above)

In the long run though, we feel vindicated in spending more of our time fantasizing about the buttons on Delores Bronsikowski's blouse than the ruminations of the speaker du jour about the debate about whether salvation comes by faith or good works. We feel that way because the things we were supposed to learn back then have all been changed. First they did away with purgatory, then they brought indulgences back.

This makes no sense to us because were awake in class the day they told us indulgences were created to get your sinful little hiney out of purgatory. So if there's no purgatory, why do we need indulgences?

"Cash flow," said Bishop Nicholas A. DiMarzio of Brooklyn. "How you think we're going to pay for all those judgements?"

There are partial indulgences, which reduce purgatorial time by a certain number of days or years, and plenary indulgences, which eliminate all of it, until another sin is committed. You can get one for yourself, or for someone who is dead. You cannot buy one, but charitable contributions, combined with other acts, can help you earn one. There is a limit of one plenary indulgence per sinner per day. "We're willing to waive that one indulgence per sinner per day for the charitable contribution part. If you contribute to the right charity," said Bishop DiMarzio.

"Collections...erm...I mean confessions have been down for years and the church is very worried about it,” said the Rev. Tom Reese. Indulgences are a way of reminding people of the importance of payment...uh...penance. “The good news is we’re not selling them,” he added. "Yet. In a secularized culture of pop psychology and self-help, he continued, “the church wants the idea of personal finance back in the equation. We figure two, three years tops and we'll have convinced the babushkas to throw in a little extra green for the pagan babies again. Oh, and hey Mr. politician? Want a get out of jail free card for your little dalliance with Wanda LaFlame? Make the check to 'Go and sin no more, Inc."

Among liberal Catholic theologians, the return of the indulgence seems to be more of a curiosity than a cause for alarm. “Personally, I think we’re beyond the time when indulgences mean very much,” said the Rev. Richard P. McBrien, a professor of theology at Notre Dame. "I mean how much you going to take in? Three, maybe four mil? That's chump change when the pencil necked little geeks who had their butts patted by Father Fondle are getting 15, 16 17 mil a pop."

Octavia Andrade, 64, laughed as she recalled a time when children would race through the rosary repeatedly to get as many indulgences as they could — usually in increments of 5 or 10 years — “as if we needed them, then.”

OK, let's think about that: If heaven, hell and limbo exist in eternity, outside of time, how do you tell when your five years is up, and would it even seem like five years since you are, you know, outside of time and all that?

"The latest offers de-emphasize the years-in-Purgatory formulations of old in favor of a less specific accounting, with more focus on ways in which people can help themselves — and one another — come to terms with the church's deficit," said Rev. Kieran Harrington, spokesman for the Brooklyn diocese. "And speaking of terms, how would you like to guarantee that after your death, you'll pass right on by purgatory and head straight for the pearly gates? Well, we can make that happen for the low low price of only $11 a week. That's less that 39 cents a day. A small price to pay for your eternal salvation."

After Catholics, the people most expert on the topic are probably Lutherans, whose church was born from the schism over indulgences. “It has been something of a mystery to us as to why now,” said the Rev. Dr. Michael Root, dean of the Lutheran Theological Southern Seminary in Columbia, S.C., who has participated in those meetings. The renewal of indulgences, he said, has “not advanced” the dialogue.

"Dialogue this," responded Rev. Harrignton. "We already explained to you yokels that your church is whack, so STFU about indulgences or we'll go all inquisition on your scrawny Martin Luther behinds."

Hmm...Looks like President Obama isn't the only one with a stimulus package.

Monday, February 09, 2009

We Haven't Evolved. Why Should Our Kids?

You know, here in the marbled halls of IM Central we're usually pretty understanding of the foibles of our fellow shufflers about this mortal coil. One reason being we have quite a collection of foibles ourselves. You really have to stop by and see it sometime, it's very impressive. We're talking medical textbook chapter impressive.

But we digress. Our point today is that there is a limit to our understanding when it comes to politicians who espouse to the public that they are knowledgeable and capable enough to be given the responsibility of doing the people's business, and yet will stand on any street corner and argue with passersby that The Flintstones was a documentary. We speak, of course, about Florida. Regular readers of this blog accept the soft bigotry of low expectations...erm...we mean know that we have discussed Florida before. On several occasions. And yet, and yet...

Amid much controversy a year ago, the Florida Board of Education approved new standards that, much like other schools that take seriously their charge to prepare children to live in the 21st century, require public schools to teach that the scientific theory of evolution is the foundation of all biological science.

But don't think that battle is over. Not even close. Not while there's a breath left in those individuals, who, for some reason feel it's their god given right to assure that the next generation is just as stupid as they are. Must be a family values thing.

State Sen. Stephen Wise (not Wise), a Jacksonville Republican, said he plans to introduce a bill to require teachers who teach evolution to also discuss the idea of intelligent design. "Do I look like a monkey to you?" Wise (not Wise) asked reporters at the press conference announcing his bill. "Where do scientists get off telling us where we came from? There are no scientists mentioned in the bible."

Wise (not Wise), the chief sponsor of the bill, expects the Senate to take it up when it meets in March. He said its intent is simple: "If you're going to teach evolution, then you have to teach the other side so you can have critical thinking." When asked how students could develop critical thinking skills when they were asked to take Intelligent Design on faith, Wise (not Wise) replied that he hadn't thought about that, and the reporter who asked was being "overly critical" anyway.

Wise (not Wise) said that if the Legislature passes the bill, he wouldn't be surprised if there's a legal challenge. "Someplace along the line you've got to be able to make a value judgment of what it is you think is the appropriate thing." When asked if that wasn't exactly what the courts had been doing when they continually ruled against teaching creationism in science classrooms, regardless of what it was called, Wise (not) replied that "activist judges have ignored the bible in their rulings for far too long."

Wise (not) acknowledges it's a controversial subject. "I got a lot of hate mail last year," he said. "You'd think I'd never gone to school, that I was Cro-Magnon man, that I just got out of a cave or something. Well, I'm here to tell you folks, I am not Cro-Magnon. Homo Rudolfensis maybe, or perhaps a little Homo Cepranensis, but Cro-Magnon? No way."

What would you say to Homo Doofus?

"The thing we learned last year is that, No. 1, we must keep the discussion scientific." Rep. Alan Hays, a Republican from Umatilla said. "We want the students to know that the theory of evolution is only a theory, it has never ever been scientifically proven, and it should be accepted as that. Of course, for over 150 years evidence collected from fossils to microbes has supported the theory whereas the ID folks occasionally see the face of Jesus in their toast, but that's a minor detail."

Hays traveled to Virginia for a symposium at Liberty University School of Law on "Intelligent Design and Public School Curriculum." He was to be a guest speaker, discussing the legislative side of the issue. Hays said part of his beliefs come from his training as a dentist.

Or his addiction to laughing gas. One or the other, right Representative Wise (not Wise)?

Friday, February 06, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

It seems the overlords too, are not immune to the Hope and Change winds that swept the nation in the recently concluded election. Since almost anybody with the common sense god gave a dill pickle realizes that greyhound racing is on it's last legs here in America, they hope to change the laws in other countries where this from of animal isn't allowed.

First up, Guam. "Those folks can barely read," said one industry spokesperson. "We ought to do great there."

Erm...not so much.

OK. South Africa. They're bound to at least have a city, right?

Legalizing greyhound racing in South Africa had the potential to create 30 000 jobs and generate annual tax revenue of R1.5 billion, supporters said this week after the department of trade and industry (dti) launched public discussions on the subject.

When asked where they got their figures, supporters reached around behind themselves and patted their posteriors.

Shane Brody, the spokesperson of Amatwini Sport, said up to 7 000 dogs were bred yearly in South Africa, but because greyhound racing was illegal, the government was losing out on taxing significant income made by the industry. One representative of the Legislature asked Brody why the government couldn't just go ahead and tax the dogs anyway, without opening the door to racing.

"'s...OK, let me get back to you on that," Brody replied.

According to a report submitted to the dti, the industry will contribute to gross domestic product and become a tourist attraction. "Of course, tourists who would travel half way around the world to watch animals be exploited usually don't have enough money to take the bus down to the local Walmart," Brody told the legislators, "So there would be some additional challenges we'd have to overcome."

"Greyhound racing is big in the UK and the US," said Brody. "It's the second most watched sport after soccer." When asked how he knew racing was "big" in the US and UK Brody replied, "Because I need it to be for you to buy into this idiot scheme. Wait. Did I say that out loud?"

The National Council of Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (NSPCA) said there was evidence that dog racing was struggling in more developed countries and there was no reason to believe that the sport would be successful in the country. "The fact that whole states in America are outlawing racing and tracks all over the world are closing faster than overlords run from a job fair apparently wasn't a clue for Mr. Brody," said a NSPCA spokesperson.

"Why would people spend money feeding them or providing proper veterinary care for them when they don't race anymore? They only breed them today to make money out of them, once they retire they get discarded," said Warwick Humphris, a co-ordinator for animal action group Earthlife Africa.

What's your point?" Brody replied.

"Creating jobs cannot always be used to justify the ill-treatment of these dogs."

Whoa. Looks like it's back to collecting cans for Mr. Brody, huh Bea?

Bea is easygoing and mellow. She enjoys affection but does not actively seek it out. She funny when she rolls around on her bed while playing with her toys. Bea would do well in a working family home, with well mannered children. She is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

In Which Ironicus Points Out That We Are Rubber, And You, Madam, Are Glue

Now, it's not often this blog takes offense at what others may say about us, mostly because what they're saying is true, but in our defense, aside from Friday Hound blogging, we never did pretend to have any socially redeeming value.

However, we feel we must respond to this.

Former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is still mad at media coverage of her candidacy, particularly "anonymous, pathetic bloggers."

Madam, how dare you refer to us as anonymous.

She said reporters continue to question whether her 9-month-old son, Trig, is actually the child of her 18-year old daughter Bristol from a secret previous pregnancy. "I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom," Palin told Esquire. "And I thought, 'Okay, more indication of continued problems in the world of journalism.'"

Umm...when you have a family where folks can't figure out who is related to whom, that's not a problem with us, it's a problem with you. Or you're from Kentucky, one of the two.

In the interview, Palin also reiterated her wish that she had had more input on strategy during the campaign."If I were giving advice to myself back on the day my candidacy was announced, I'd say, 'Tell the campaign that you'll be callin' some of the shots. Don't just assume that they know you well enough to make all your decisions for ya," Palin said.

Ya. And doncha jus' know that puttin' her in charge the that brainiac stuff is the right thing ta do 'cause she's got the pulse of the American people right there in the old melon, OK? You betcha.

Palin said she named Bristol in part for Bristol, Conn. — home of the sports network ESPN.

Now there' someone who wishes he was anonymous. You betcha. Hey, let's go kill us some wolves.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Republicans! Motto: The Horse Is Dead And Yet We Continue To Beat It

We're coming to you today from the Second Chance Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SC is a division of the OMFG!!1!! We Really Screwed Up Corporation in partnership with Holy Crap How Could We Have Been That Stupid, Inc.

It seems our republicans friends have finally taken our advice (offered here, here and here) and are beginning to rebuild themselves. Today they invited a well known political strategist and international scholar to Capitol Hill to address Congressional staffers because the regular members are beyond hope and aren't worth the effort anymore.

Joe the Plumber took his act to Capitol Hill today. The first order of business: giving political advice to conservative Republican staffers at breakfast, which, Wurzelbacher told us, “Went really well. They had eggs. I like eggs. I like toast too.”

Erm...maybe we spoke too soon.

“It’s not politically incorrect to say you’re Republican or conservative,” Joe said. “Stupid, but not politically incorrect. Sending out a CD with Barack the Magic Negro on it and belonging to an all white country club, now that's stupid and politically incorrect. If the guy was a closet homo he'd have a republican trifecta.”

"And no reason to be subtle," he said, Well, you could be a little more subtle than Saltsman, but I don’t believe there’s two sides to every story. It’s black and white,” Wurzelbacher explained. “There’s right and wrong.”

Uh...Joe? Black? White? That's two sides. Right? Wrong? That's two more. You got four sides right there Buddy.

One thing that needs to be done, he said, is killing this stimulus package, because it’s just another example of “American government” — Republicans and Democrats — “trying to keep us working and in our homes. What's up with that?” He also called it welfare, "sort of like what I'm getting from Pajamas media."

As for his own political career, America will just have to wait six years until his son grows up.“I don’t know if the American public deserve me,” he said, “but my son definitely deserves my time now, which is why I'm here in Washington today instead of back home, and it's also why I spent the last eight weeks in Israel getting in everybody's way.”

We can see it already: Dumb and Dumber in 2012! Motto: Smart People Are Ugly

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Maybe Jesus Just Doesn't Like NASCAR

We don't usually like to share the spotlight here in the marbled halls of IM Central, but we ran across this post from Ed over at Dispatches from the Culture Wars and it got us to thinking. OK, quit that. We do think from time to time. And not just about Stoli mixes either. With an IQ equal to that of the President (Well, his reported IQ anyway, but we don't want to get into that whole size matters thing) we find ourselves thinking quite a bit as a matter of fact. Actually, it seems to go on all the time, whether we're paying attention or not. We're intrigued by the fact that republicans seem to have found a way to turn that off.

But we digress.

Ed points out that the Gallup Company just completed a poll asking Americans, many of whom must have been sober, how big a role religion plays in their lives. Turns out the 4 most religious states are Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina and Tennessee, and the heathens run Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, and Massachusetts.

This got him to wondering if there was any correlation between things like divorce rates, teen pregnancies, the godly folks and the devil's spawn, so he did a little digging and found out the divorce rate in that secular hell hole Massachusetts was the lowest in the country, while the church going god fearin' tithe giving folks in Tennessee had the fourth highest, the best(?) showing of any of the Jesus friendly states.

When it came to protecting their daughters from TEH SEXXOR, astute readers of this blog will recall that we beat Ed to the punch. Of course, astute readers stopped reading this blog years ago, so the rest of you will probably have to click on the link. Anyway, towards the end of that entry we posited that if the young people of old Dixie had something else to do (like, say, read and write) perhaps they wouldn't be so likely to engage in...ah...procreation without benefit of liturgical approval, or as the kids like to call it, hide the pickle.

Here's the part that got us thinking: we wondered if there were any other correlations between the states of the new Jerusalem and the hoards of hell, you know things like poverty rates, crime, college degrees, stuff like that, so we decided to do something we very seldom do, and before we tell you what that is we're going to ask you to send any small children from the room. We'll wait.

Hmmm...Oooo...Whoa...Oh sorry. Ready?

We did research. No. Really. We know how and everything, it's just not something we like to talk about in public. Anyway, here's what we found:

College graduates: Most--Massachusetts. Least--Mississippi

Poverty: Lowest in the country--Vermont. Highest--Mississippi

Overall Crime: Lowest--Maine. Highest (well, second and third highest)--Tennessee and South Carolina

Murder: Lowest--New Hampshire. Highest (In fifth, sixth and seventh place respectively)--South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi

Rape: Lowest--Vermont (ninth). Highest--South Carolina (tenth)

So what have we learned. Well, it seems god likes his followers divorced, dumb, horny and on probation. And for those of us in the hell bound sections of the country? We're not sure, but since we know god likes to unleash plagues, earthquakes, death, devastation and destruction, maybe he's saying if you don't bother him with all those prayers, (Which are usually about things like winning the Lotto, smiting the gays, or throwing the election) he won't bother you.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Republicans! Motto: Handing You The Bat To Hit Us Over The Head With Since 2006

In the new spirit of Obamasanship we have been offering our republican colleagues the occasional tidbit of advice as to how they may best go about rejoining the rest of us out here in the reality based world.

Apparently, they haven't been paying attention.

Now, we're sure some of our reader(s) would see this as a positive because taking advice from this blog is tantamount to getting plumbing instructions from Sam Wurzelbacher. Still when the best spokesperson you can put out to the American public is an obese, perverted ex-drug addict, it's not like you have a lot of options.

Coming off a shellacking at the polls in November, the plurality of GOP voters (43%) say their party has been too moderate over the past eight years.

Right. Starting two wars, condoning torture and kidnapping, setting up black site prisons, eavesdropping on most Americans, wrecking the economy and trashing the Constitution. That's too moderate like Attila the Hun was too concerned with is haircut.

55% think it should become more like Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in the future.

In what way Charlie? The stupid part or the lying part?

Just after losing the election, 69% Republican voters said Palin helped McCain’s bid for the presidency, and nearly two-thirds said she should be the party’s 2012 presidential nominee. Sixty-five percent (65%) of GOP voters had a Very Favorable view of her at that time.

OK, we're going to go with the stupid part.

Younger voters are more likely than their elders to think the GOP has been too conservative during the Bush years, but voters in nearly all age groups are more closely divided on the future direction of the party between McCain and Palin.

Those are your choices? Man, sorry about that.

Just 15% of Evangelical Christian voters feel that the Republican Party has been too conservative for the past eight years, while 50% think it has been too moderate.

Uh huh. This from the people who say god is on their side. Folks, 53 to 46. Face it, the deity's just not that into you. On the bright side though it doesn't matter because the world is going to end in 2012. Sorry Sarah. You coulda been a contender.

As for the rest of the republicans, well, you'll always have David Vitter and the porn star.