Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And There Shall Come Amongst You A Damon. And He Shall Demand You Follow The Law. Kick His Scrawny White Backside Out Of Town. Thus Sayeth The Lord.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the right way to peel a banana, because god built it backwards...er...we mean know that we occasionally like to throw a verbal brickbat or two in the general direction of our more religious friends, particularly when the voices in their heads--or on their tee vees and radios--cause them to do something particularly wacky.

To be fair though, we like to keep an open mind about these matters. Oh we still think they're all delusional and whatnot, what with believing in magic people in the sky who, in spite of all the wonders and mysteries in the universe as all powerful, infinite, timeless beings they're most interested in stopping gays from getting married. Now that's a strong argument for increased funding of community mental health services right there. No, what we mean by an open mind is that we're still willing to believe that some of these folks are relatively harmless and could pretty much be ignored without too much damage to the social fabric.

So when we run across a story like this we're all like here's an opportunity for the godly among us to take the high road, to say they have the courage of their convictions and aren't going to be panicked by some young person's attempt to find his own identity. They're going to take this opportunity to show the world they don't wear their religion on their sleeves because their faith is so shallow even the slightest hint of doubt expressed by anyone can send them into paroxysms of intolerance, bigotry and hatred.

In fact, they're going to take this opportunity to support this young man, even if they disagree with him, because that's the American way, and after all, here is a young man sticking to his values, which adults are always telling young people to do; resisting peer pressure, which adults are always telling young people to do; and obeying the law, which adults are always telling young people to do.

Yeah. It could have gone that way. Then we realized we're dealing with christians here.
Damon Fowler, an atheist student at Bastrop High School in Louisiana, was about to graduate. His public school was planning to have a prayer as part of the graduation ceremony: as they traditionally did, as so many public schools around the country do every year. But Fowler -- knowing that government-sponsored prayer in the public schools is unconstitutional and legally forbidden -- contacted the school superintendent to let him know that he opposed the prayer, and would be contacting the ACLU if it happened.
 You kind of know where this is going don't you?
Then Fowler's name, and his role in this incident, was leaked. As a direct result:
1) Fowler has been hounded, pilloried, and ostracized by his community.
2) One of Fowler's teachers has publicly demeaned him.
3) Fowler has been physically threatened. Students have threatened to "jump him" at graduation practice, and he has received multiple threats of bodily harm, and even death threats.
4) Fowler's parents have cut off his financial support, kicked him out of the house, and thrown his belongings onto the front porch.
 Well, in the community's defense, they were just following biblical precepts. After all, Matthew 5:44 instructs us to hound, bully, ostracize, demean and threaten anyone who has the temerity not to STFD and STFU when christians want to mumbo their jumbo in public.

And as for the kid's very own parents throwing him out, come on. You have to admit that it's a bit of an embarrassment when your kid turns out to be some kid of free thinking, rationalist devil boy. We mean, how is mom ever going to face the ladies at the church social committee? And dad's campaign to be a deacon? Forget it.

Now, you might think, what with this kid having been totally abandoned by his community and his parents, he might have some pretty serious issues right about now and really need some place where he can get some support and guidance. And you'd be right. That's why schools provide guidance counselors to help students through times of emotional turmoil, right Mitzi Quinn, who has been on the staff at BHS for almost 25 years, much of that time as a senior advisor?
Throughout her time working with the student, Quinn said they (sic) never expressed their personal beliefs or that they had any problems with other students' Christian faiths. "And what's even more sad is this is a student who really hasn't contributed anything to graduation or to their classmates," Quinn said.
Well, all righty then. Ms. Quinn, we're thinking you could brush up on your empathy skills just a tad there, if you don't mind.
Fortunately, Damon isn't entirely alone. His brother Jerrett is bringing Damon into his own home in Texas, and will help put him through college. And Damon is fortunate enough to have the backing of the atheist community, who are providing encouragement, emotional support, practical assistance, and even a scholarship fund.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there Sparky. Just a fire and brimstone minute. You mean to tell us the heathens  have taken this boy in? The heathens have shown mercy towards him, given him support and made him feel part of a community? Don't they understand that this kid is an outcast? A pariah? Ah, of course they don't. They're not familiar with the teaching of Jesus like christians are. Jesus knows how to treat outcasts, Right Matthew?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true gift of experience is disillusionment...er...we mean know that when it comes to monitoring the overlords' attempts to avoid actually working for a living our reach is worldwide.  OK, Google's reach is worldwide. We merely type in "soulless wastes of protoplasm" while sipping an adult beverage and listening to John Prine tell us to blow up our tee vee and Viola! the intertoobz spew forth story after story about the cruel and barbaric exploitation of innocent living creatures for profit...uh...we mean greyhound racing.

One in particular caught our eye this week concerning an attempt by the rubes to maintain their ability to lose the rent money two dollars at a time in spite of the fact that the track where they did that had succumbed long ago, a victim of economic realities and the growth of community mental health facilities. To our credit we must say that the crack investigative reporting team here at IM Central has been on this story from the very beginning because we know timely reporting and insightful analysis are what you, our readers have come to expect from this blog. Actually, now that we think about it, if you're reading this blog, timely reporting and insightful analysis is probably the last thing you expect, but we don't have a fart joke handy, so on with our story:

It's understood businessman Bob Morton has repeated a £9 million bid to London and Quadrant (L&Q) to buy Walthamstow Stadium, and reintroduce greyhound racing at the famous East London venue. "The track has been closed since 2008, so we figure that's enough time for people to forget what a losing proposition greyhound racing is, and what a deleterious effect it has on the local neighborhood," said a spokesperson for Morton.

The offer follows months of wrangling and uncertainty over the future of the site after L&Q bought the site for a reported £18million. When asked how they could expect L&Q to accept an offer that was half of what they originally paid for the property, Iain Duncan Smith - MP  for Chingford and Woodford Green said, "Do you know what a greyhound track does to property values? They're lucky we aren't making them pay us to take the thing back."

L&Q wants to build around 300 new homes on the site, a modern leisure centre, children’s nursery, allotments and new jobs to meet the needs of local people. Bob Morton wants to reintroduce greyhound racing and provide affordable housing. He has also offered to work with L&Q on providing a mix of affordable housing with a greyhound racing track. When asked how he was going to reopen the track and provide affordable house on land that previously just held the track, Morton replied that "trailers don't take up much room."

Morton also pledged full support to the borough with millions of pounds of private investment creating 1,500 jobs and a sustainable night-time economy." When asked what he meant by "night-time economy," he replied, "Well, you know, hookers and drug dealers and such. The normal jobs created as a result of having a track in the neighborhood."

Yeah, well, we're not quite sure that's what the folks living in the area had in mind by economic development. What do you think Jack?

Jack is very friendly and outgoing. He is playful, but calms quickly and is very gentle with people. He is a bit skittish around strange new sounds. He loves to be around people. He follows his foster family all around the house. He will lean against you for attention. He loves to play with toys and he will fetch. He will pounce on the toy like a cat would. He is a big boy who doesn’t seem to understand his own size. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program.  Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 12 and up. He would do best as the only dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

OK You Won't Debate? How About A Spell Down?

We're coming to you today from the Forensics Department here at the Ironicus Maximus School for Linguistic Street Fightin', Rhetorical Combat and What To Say When  Yo Momma Isn't Enough. It seems some uppity young Miss from New Jersey (no, not Snooki) has risen up to challenge one of the most preeminent Constitutional scholars in the United States today: Michele Bachmann.
Ann Myers challenged the tea party favorite in a letter dated April 29.
Now, our first thought was this gives a whole new meaning to girl on girl action, but it turned out this girl wants to debate Bachmann, not go two out of three in a jello wrestling match. OK, thinks us, that could be mildly entertaining in a C-SPAN 2 sort of way--especially if it's an insomnia night and we've already seen the World's Dumbest Yogurt Makers 47 rerun on Tru-TV.

It seems, however, that before the distaff version of Lincoln Douglas can commence, some...um...details need to be worked out.
After it started getting media attention last weekend, commenters on tea party websites have threatened to publish her home address and some have threatened violence. The 16-year-old from Cherry Hill says several commenters have called her a "whore."Her father, Wayne, says he's concerned for his daughter's safety.
This is a common misconception of reporters who don't understand the dynamics of debate when dealing with graduates of the Tea Party School of Talkin Is Better Than Writin' Cause There Ain't No Spellin'.  If you went to school beyond the third grade you were probably taught that the three elements of argument were logos, pathos and ethos, which is apparently the misinformation that caused young Ann to issue her challenge.

Had she done even the most cursory type of research though, she would have learned that for the Hoverround set, the principles of argument are volume, violence and firearms, but the discrepancy is moot because Bachmann has applied the Tea Party's argumentative coup de grâce, the linguistic Crane kick, the rhetorical Waterloo.
Bachmann's office told The Courier-Post of Cherry Hill that it won't respond to the debate challenge.
Bam! How you like debate now little Annie? Sorry you had to learn about that the hard way, but if you run with the big dogs you better bring your A game 'cause they'll rain on your parade like ants at a picnic.

Or something. Anyway the point is maybe you should stick to topics more in your skill-set like Bieber: The New McCartney? and leave sophisticated political debate to those with the verbal chops to handle it. Sarah Palin comes to mind.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Well it looks like this is going to be the last FHB what with the world ending tomorrow and all. And if you're an overlord you're probably thinking not a moment too soon. We mean, look at the year they were having. The Florida legislature came within a hair's breadth of cutting greyhound racing loose to stand on its own in the free market. We all know how that would have turned out.
VictoryLand greyhound park in Shorter, which also operated a hotel and casino facilities until recently, has announced that it will run its final greyhound race this weekend, track spokesperson Bill Cunningham said Tuesday.“The only viable way to keep the live greyhound racing was to have electronic bingo,” he said.
Now that's an owie. The problem is Florida wasn't the only state to recognize that when the overlords said exciting sport, they meant heartless exploitation of innocent creatures for profit and it was not the economic powerhouse they made it out to be. Even with massive subsidies from the states involved. So in Iowa a similar bill has been bumping around the legislature, and also in Arizona, although since there is only one track there it's sort of a race to see if the bill passes before the track goes belly up on its own.

And that's another problem for the overlords. Sure the bills didn't pass this year, but you know they would have been back on the docket the next year, and the year after that if necessary until they finally passed. And even in states where there was no bill, the overlords were taking heat from the citizenry.  So it's really for the best that the big JC is going to hit the reboot button tomorrow because as far as the overlords were concerned, a world where you can't suck a meager existence off the backs of the oldest breed of dogs known is really not worth living--especially if to go on living meant having to do something unimaginable, like get a real job, right Bugsy?

Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. She is very gentle; when you pet her and stop she takes her paw and pulls your hand back toward herself. She likes to bury her face in the blanket. She has a great spirit for a dog her age. She has an endearing overbite, but it doesn’t bother her. She loves her food and her treats and does a little dance when she is fed. She talks to her foster mom when she wants something. She’s got beautiful ears that stick straight up. She wants to be near the family. She knows “up”, “wait” and “stay”. She also knows “eat”, “cookie” and “walk”. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would be happiest in a home with another large-breed dog to keep her company. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You Think It's Hard For Jews To Get Into Heaven? Try Being A Scientist

We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DORD is a division of the Corporation for the Preservation of Perseveration in partnership with This Is Where We Came In, NA.

It seems popey is back with reason 4,268 why you should get off his back 'cause the peeps was boinking the choirboys. And in what can only be called a master stroke of moral consistency, it's pretty much the same as reason 4, 267.
A five-year study commissioned by the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops to provide a definitive answer to what caused the church’s sexual abuse crisis has concluded that neither the all-male celibate priesthood nor homosexuality were to blame.
 Aw, now see that's just disappointing right there. You pay good money for a study that's designed to get you off the hot seat for having a boatload of pervs in your employ and find out you can't blame the homos, even a little.
Instead, the report says, the abuse occurred because priests who were poorly prepared and monitored, and were under stress, landed amid the social and sexual turmoil of the 1960s and ’70s.
 OK, let's get this straight. The pope's posse walked out into a society full of Make Love not War, Farrah Fawcett posters, and (shudder) Disco and decided the best way to cope with that was to schlep the holy rod of righteousness to the prepubescent members of the congregation? Is that what you're going with? Did you even notice that half the female parishioners came to services...erm...unsupported? What are you saying? All those unfettered boobies scared the cassocks back into the sacristy where instead of offering up a few hail Marys and our fathers from the fainting couch they played pet the one eyed snake with 12 year olds? Is that really the take away here?
The “blame Woodstock” explanation has been floated by bishops since the church was engulfed by scandal in the United States in 2002 and by Pope Benedict XVI after it erupted in Europe in 2010. But this study is likely to be regarded as the most authoritative analysis of the scandal in the Catholic Church in America. The study, initiated in 2006, was conducted by a team of researchers at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City at a cost of $1.8 million. About half was provided by the bishops, with additional money contributed by Catholic organizations and foundations. The National Institute of Justice, the research agency of the United States Department of Justice, supplied about $280,000.
Well, that settles it then.  This isn't about the Draped One looking for a way out of facing up to the fact that he totally misunderstood what the boss meant when he said suffer the children to come unto me--not to mention the serious rendering unto Caesar and Caesar's lawyers, no sirree mister, this is science. Science, man with a capital S!
The researchers concluded that it was not possible for the church, or for anyone, to identify abusive priests in advance. Priests who abused minors have no particular “psychological characteristics,” “developmental histories” or mood disorders that distinguished them from priests who had not abused, the researchers found.

Right on mister scientist sir. So when the police say child molesters are often an adult males who prefer children in a specific age group and may seek employment or volunteer with programs involving children of the age of their preference, they're just making stuff up because what? They're Lutherans?
In one of the most counterintuitive findings, the report says that fewer than 5 percent of the abusive priests exhibited behavior consistent with pedophilia, which it defines as a “psychiatric disorder that is characterized by recurrent fantasies, urges and behaviors about prepubescent children. “Thus, it is inaccurate to refer to abusers as ‘pedophile priests,’ ” the report says.
Right. Let's call them really friendly guys who like to keep little kids warm by rubbing up against them. Sure it doesn't trip off the tongue as easily as pervert, but we don't want to malign anyone's character unnecessarily.
That finding is likely to prove controversial, in part because the report employs a definition of “prepubescent” children as those age 10 and under. Using this cutoff, the report found that only 22 percent of the priests’ victims were prepubescent. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders classifies a prepubescent child as generally age 13 or younger. If the John Jay researchers had used that cutoff, a vast majority of the abusers’ victims would have been considered prepubescent.
Oh. OK, well back to pervert then. This science stuff gets complicated. You following all this your Pradaness?

While accepting responsibility for the scandal, Benedict said the abuse must also be seen in the broader social context, in which child pornography and sexual tourism are rampant, and where as recently as the 1970s pedophilia wasn't considered the absolute evil that it is today.

You tell 'em Bene. Why, just look at any organization that was around in the 60's and 70's and you'll find pervs coming out of the woodwork, right scientist guys the church just paid a boatload of money to?
Because there are no comparable studies conducted by other institutions, religious or secular, the report says, “It is impossible to accurately compare the rate of sexual abuse within the Catholic Church to rates of abuse in other organizations.”
 See? There you are, just look at...wait, what? This is what the church gets for it's 1.8 mil? OK, we're going to need to talk to a supervisor about your refund policy.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Romney in 2012! Motto: I'm The One Candidate Who Has All The Other Candidates' Positions

Oh look, the guy who probably really couldn't get elected dog catcher is running for president.
Republican heavyweight Mitt Romney said on Monday he is kicking off his campaign for the White House in earnest with a day-long fundraising event in Las Vegas likely to bring in several million dollars. "We're activating our campaign today," Romney told supporters on a conference call.
Activated! Whoo Hoo! That means Policybot 4000 has gone live! Now if you feed a position, or an opinion or a policy into the Policybot 4000 it will find a way to agree with you in even less time than before, and the turnaround time to agree with the exact opposite of that position, or opinion or policy has been reduced to mere nanoseconds, right Mitty boy?
The former Massachusetts governor touted his record as a turnaround specialist who can get the U.S. economy on track."My experience, my history is in turning things around. I will get America on the right track again."
Oh you're a turnaround specialist all right Mittster. You've turned around on more positions than there are Hoverounds at a Glen Beck rally, and we're sure you'd get America on the right track--if the track was circular that is.
"The American people care about getting good jobs," Romney said during the eight-minute call. "That is my wheelhouse."
OK we have no idea what that means, but since this is Romney we're talking about we're pretty sure there's a dog strapped to the outside of the wheelhouse.
Critics say Romney presided over one of the weakest rates of employment growth in the United States when he ran Massachusetts, and that Bain Capital often turned around the companies it acquired with large layoffs.
Layoffs? Wait, that's brilliant. Take all the people who are out of work, old, sick, poor and lay them off from America! Bada Boom Bada Bing problem solved.
Some of the biggest criticism Romney faces is for the health care reform he instigated in Massachusetts, which bears similarities to President Barack Obama's 2010 health care program opposed by many Republicans.
No, see that's not how it works. Once we get rid of all the old, poor and sick people and the folks who lost their insurance with their jobs the only ones left will be people who don't need health care. Now the whole thing is a non-issue. Can't accuse Mitt of flip flopping when there's nothing to flip flop about. See how Romney handled that? Got rid of his reputation as a spineless troll and got rid of most of the people republicans don't like anyway all at once. Oh sure there will still be a few ethnics around who managed to hold on to their jobs, but hey, somebody has to be there to take up the slack when mother has another one of her "headaches" if you know what we mean.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Trump to Mirror: You're Fired

Well, that didn't take long.

After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country.
Yeah, well to be fair, when you run at the lead of a pack of unmedicated refugees from the laughing gas factory, an oil slick in a suit and a couple of dropouts from  the Dullsville Mortician's School being first isn't that great of an achievement, yo?
I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run," he said, "I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election.
And you probably also maintain that your hair looks presentable because you keep wearing it that way, so don't mind us if we're not too impressed with your powers of prediction. Especially now that you've beat feet off into the sunset. Saying you would have won if you stayed in is sort of like saying if Napoleon had B 52s at the battle of Waterloo we'd all be speaking French right now.

And in other news, Newt's been in the race a little over 48 hours and he's already changed his position on a position he changed his position on earlier.

Ah, America. You coulda been a contender.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Well you tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, green tea drinking animal rights wackos have really stepped in it now. Oh yeah, you've been kicking the overlords around pretty good these last few months, but that's about to come to a screeching halt. You are about to furnish the butt for a beating, about to have a giant economy size can o' whupass opened up on your scrawny fair trade coffee sipping behind. You have gone and made Gary Guccione go down to the local library so he could use their computers to write another letter to the editor. When are you people going to learn?
The May 6 letter from Grey2K activist Caryn Wood makes false claims about greyhound racing and is misleading to The Capital-Journal’s readers.
Now it would be bad enough if this Wood wacko just made false claims that weren't misleading, but oh no, she had to go for the  whole enchilada and make claims that were both false and misleading. Have these people no shame? Enlighten us Mr. Guccione.
The majority of states where greyhound racing is prohibited didn’t even have live racing when the bans were imposed.
Uh...Mr. G? Just a bit of strategical advice. When greyhound racing is so unpopular states outlaw it even when it's not around, that's probably not the strongest opening to your argument. Just a thought.
Recent attempts by Grey2K to eliminate live racing in Florida have failed.
Oh yeah baby! It's on. How you like us now you vegan, natural fabric PETArds? Think you can hold back one of the most dynamic and exciting sports in the country? Think you can keep people form flocking to greyhound tracks just because you think the dogs have a right not to be exploited, injured and killed for a few measly bucks? No way.  We're back and we're growing, right Victoryland Greyhound Track Chief Operating Officer Lewis Benefield?
The financially troubled VictoryLand in Shorter is ending live dog racing, officials said Tuesday. Chief Operating Officer Lewis Benefield said electronic bingo games subsidized live greyhound racing for many years, and live races are no longer feasible now that bingo is shut down.
BOOYAH! Lookout baseball, there's a new national pastime...wait, what?
Benefield said electronic bingo games subsidized live greyhound racing for many years, and live races are no longer feasible now that bingo is shut down.
Greyhound racing has to be subsidized to survive?  How can this be? Maybe it's just that one track. It can't be because the whole industry is going belly up and any business person with an IQ higher than that of a sugar cube knows it's time to decouple from the losers who still think people are going to pay good money to watch the dogs risk their lives to keep a bunch of soulless wastes of protein out of the labor market.

Yeah. That's got to be it. We bet if you look at another state you'll see the industry alive and prospering.
House Speaker Rick Thompson has launched a statewide TV ad and website targeting Tomblin. The Democrat focuses on the greyhound breeding business run by Tomblin's mother, which regularly benefits from state government funding.
Oh, no see that's just some biased reporting right there.  Tomblin's not subsidizing greyhound racing, he's subsidizing his momma, right Matty?

Matty is pretty easy going. She is very mellow for a young dog. She is curious and will follow you everywhere. She is a real Velcro dog. She is learning to play with toys. Matty would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do best in a home with a fenced yard because she is still learning her leash manners. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

BREAKING: Newt Running For President. In Other News, Condom Futures Up

Hey, Newt Gingrich is running for President (or in his case, president). That's sort of like Larry Flynt running for pope, but what do we know? Let's see what the professionals have to say:
"If he can just get that Charlie Sheen self-discipline thing under control, Newt's the type of candidate who has the potential to really fire up the room and fire up the base," said former GOP strategist Dan Schnur, who now runs a political think tank at the University of Southern California.
OK, now President Obama's enemies compare him to Hitler and Stalin and the devil and whatnot, and you sort of expect that from guys who are more concerned about what a couple of Muslims are doing in Tennessee that with, oh, we don't know, war, poverty, 47 million uninsured, unemployment, people losing their houses, stuff like that. But all one of your own guys, who presumably is on your side, can come up with Charlie Sheen? And that's the best he can do? Well, all we can say is it looks like an uphill road there Newty.
In recent weeks, Gingrich has toned down the bombast and kept a relatively low profile. He's set to give an interview Wednesday night on Fox News Channel, explaining his rationale for a candidacy.
Um...Newt? Toned down bombast is still bombast. Just saying. And we already know why you want to run for president: Chicks dig it.
He has been an all-but-declared candidate for months now. And polls show Republicans unenthused — if not dissatisfied — with their presidential options.
OK here's our prediction. The republican convention is deadlocked until the 63rd vote when Newt drops out and releases his votes to the eventual nominee, Charlie Sheen.
His candidacy will hardly be a retro affair; he disclosed his presidential run using Facebook and Twitter.
Also Craigslist, Chemistry.com, Match.com and HornyMILFS.com.
Gingrich himself knows that if the race becomes about his history, he's unlikely to go very far. His past includes two divorces, marital infidelity and ethics allegations.
As he put it to one interviewer: "If the primary concern of the American people is my past, my candidacy would be irrelevant."
Newt Newt Newt Newt. It's not your past that makes you irrelevant. It's your irrelevancy that makes you irrelevant. We mean come on, we just had the first republican presidential candidate group therapy session and your people thought Herman Cain won because he made it through the debate without blaming aliens for the Japanese earthquake. How you gonna compete with that? You can't even make no pizza.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

And The Lord Spaketh Unto Me And Sayeth: Ready To Lead, Ready To Follow, Never Quit

Well of course some hillbilly preacher has been telling his congregation he's a Navy Seal. What's the problem here? The guy's a liar. Would you rather he were a pedophile? A con man? A wetsuit wearing auto-erotic pervert? Candidate for president?

Crimminy, count your blessings already will you?

Jim Moats, the pastor at First Christian Right Way New Caanan Nazarene Bible Fellowship Ecclesiastical Assembly  Zion Church of the Holy Sepulcher  in Newville, Penn., (Bible themed balloons for the kids every Sunday!) spun some fantastical details of his alleged time as a Navy SEAL fighting Satan during the Vietnam War. Moats told his church for five years that he was a former SEAL, and even once wore the elite program's gold Trident medal around town.

Seal Trident? OR SATAN'S PITCHFORK??!??! Which is it Pastor Jim, if you are a Pastor.

Moats fessed up to his whopper, and admitted he bought the Trident medal at a military surplus store. "I never was in a class, I never served as an actual SEAL.  In fact, I'm not a preacher either. I was a cab driver in Sheboygan Wisconsin and I got laid off. I didn't have the greatest skill set and I was looking for something where expectations weren't so high when I saw the ad in the newspaper for a preacher."

You know, if Jebus does come back on May 21 he's going to be pretty disappointed in his welcoming committee.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Maybe He Was Just Saying He'd Give The Students The Shirt Off His Back...Um...Pants Too

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know disappointment is the stepchild of hope...er...we mean know that as card carrying members of our local educorporate training facility we often wax poetic on the exploits of colleagues  who also toil in the Vineyard of Reason, the Cathedral of Intellect, The Brave New World Test Prep Center and Behavior Modification Emporium.

Whatever. By way of background, let us say that over the years we have spent touching the future we have, on occasion, come into conflict with those would would be called our supervisors. Usually these pedagogical dust-ups would be settled in a collegial and professional manner, like the time a group of us rented the banner towing plane to fly over the school and...OK bad example. The point is, even though teachers are given the immense responsibility of educating the next generation, they very often have no authority to go along with the responsibility, and thus must find...um...creative ways of pushing back against a system that seldom acts in their best interest. Which brings us to one Harlon Porter.
Harlon Porter was reportedly upset about losing his job at Haynie Elementary School in Morrow, Georgia.
Ah, another sad case of a dedicated teacher being sacrificed on the altar of "Do More With Less." Why does it always seem that cuts start at the bottom and work up, while bonuses start at the top and work down? Labor must become its own advocate. The working man has to say "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," right Mr. Porter?
School staff called police after the teacher allegedly started strolling the halls in his birthday suit. Officers say they found the 31-year-old sitting nude in a chair in the teacher’s lounge.
Yes well, not exactly the call we would have made there Mr. Porter. We were thinking more along the lines of filing a grievance or engaging parents in your plight, but to each his own. So what are you saying? This is a symbol of the rights of the working man being "stripped" away by the heartless, corporate mentality infecting schools these days?
After being arrested, Porter claimed he had ‘reached a new level of enlightenment’ and ‘he wanted everybody to be free now that his third eye was open'.
You took your clothes off so we could see your third eye, huh? OK that's about as far down that road as we care to walk, Mr. Porter. You wouldn't by any chance be a biology teacher would you?
He told police he wanted to teach on a new level ‘with hands in the earth, gathering the essence and learning how to love one another and fully appreciate the spiritual realm.’
Now we get it. Whenever naked people are running around in public, love and the spiritual realm are usually not far behind. We have to tell you Mr. Porter there's always a risk with that approach. We tried that line to get Jeanne DeFranco to go skinny dipping with us back in 11th grade. Would have worked too, if her dad hadn't shown up with a baseball bat and the family rottweiler.
Teachers at the school said Porter was a teetotal vegan.
Oh crap man, why didn't you say so in the first place? That explains everything.
‘However on the date in question they noticed that he was drinking a coke and had gone to taco bell to get tacos for lunch,’ the police report said.
No wait, that explains everything. Doesn't it? Now we're confused. Did he get laid off because he didn't eat meat, or because he started eating meat?  If that's the case after going to Taco Bell he probably still hadn't eaten meat. You might have a case there Mr. Porter, but we'd suggest putting your clothes back on before you go to the arbitration hearing.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Man! If life were a dog ( a greyhound of course) it has certainly been pooping in the overlords' shoes lately, don't you think? We mean these last few weeks have been one lawn tootsie roll after another dropped on their dreams of a work free lifestyle. It's gotten so bad we can't even bring ourselves to look at the Florida papers anymore. It's like one big Obit page for greyhound exploitation racing.

Oh, we know! Let's head over to West Virginia. Things are bound to be better there, yes?
I watch with bemusement as most of the Republican candidates for governor (and John Perdue, among Democrats) continue to rail on the legislation redirecting $10 million a year of racetrack video lottery profits back to the casinos for gaming-area upgrades -- but remain silent on the fact that the state gives away nearly 10 times that much every year to thoroughbred and greyhound owners and breeders.
Um...well on the bright side, apparently it's not just the overlords who are leeching off the state.
Let me see if I can put this in a way that even gubernatorial candidates can understand: West Virginia, one of the poorest states in the union, provides nearly $100 million a year in corporate welfare to some of the wealthiest people in the United States.
Whoa. And you know what? The governor of West Virgina is a democrat. You know how democrats all socialistic communists and stuff who want to soak the rich to pay for abortions for gay married couples while increasing welfare for Muslim women so they can have more anchor babies. His name is Earl Ray Tomblin and we have a feeling he's about to open up a big o' can of whupass on the overlords. Right governor?
Acting Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin's affiliations with the dog racing industry have spurred an attack from one of his opponents in the race for governor. Democratic gubernatorial candidate and Treasurer John Perdue released an ad Wednesday attacking Tomblin for helping steer millions of dollars to dog breeding interests owned by Tomblin's mother and brother.
Hey, come on. you can't expect the guy to wail on his very own momma, now can you?
The Tomblin campaign said Perdue was getting into "cheap politics."
Darn straight. Well, $100 million isn't exactly "cheap" in a state with a per capita income of $16, 477 which is...erm...no good way to say this, 49th out of 50 states. Still, it's the dude's momma!
Racing Commission records show $2.5 million has been paid since 2000 to Tomblin Kennel Inc., which is owned by Freda Tomblin, or specifically to Carl Tomblin.That includes nearly $900,000 in payouts that have apparently not been previously made public.
Wow! Looks like every day is Mother's Day around the Tomblin house. Hey Florida overlords, what'd you get your momma?
Freda Tomblin has previously defended the fund, arguing that raising greyhounds is a costly business. "It's just like raising a garden," she told the Daily Mail in 1997. "If you don't take care of it, you don't have vegetables."
Hmmm...so you plant a greyhound garden and water it with other people's money. Sounds almost poetic, huh Sly?

Sly is easygoing, independent and loving. He will approach and nuzzle you for affection. He will “talk” to you in the morning when he wants to go out. He has an odd bark that sounds like he has bronchitis, although he is completely healthy.  Sly would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Monday, May 02, 2011

BREAKING: Osama bin Laden Killed. In Other News Royals Postpone Honeymoon

OK so we got bin Laden, but aside from the national testosterone buzz, here in the marbled halls of IM central we just don't see what the big whoop is. We mean, Osama became irrelevant about two wars ago, didn't he?

When someone as dull as George Bush could figure out back in 2002 that bin-Laden had served his purpose after we invaded Iraq, well, we just have to wonder what all the fuss is about. It's not like those crazy goat herders in the mountains of Afghanistan are all going to go back to growing poppies and our troops will come home.

It's not like we don't still have 40,000 troops in Iraq.

It's not like we aren't fighting another war in Libya.

You know, if you think about it, we've been fighting one war or another since World War II ended, about 60 some years now. You got your Korean war, your Vietnam war, Granada, Panama, Bosnia. Iraq I, Son of Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and little side trips here and there like Lebanon and Somalia, et cetera so forth and whatnot.

We spend more on our military than anyone in the world, and more than the next 21 countries combined, course when you'll invade a country because it has too many consonants in its name we guess that makes a certain amount of sense in a make the world safe for democracy while you wreck your own country sort of way.

President Obama said justice had been done, which we thought was an odd thing for a lawyer to say what with them supposed to be all about the process and all. Well, maybe that is the process these days. After 60 years things have a way of becoming habits, you know?