We're Thinking About Using The Unemployment Lists To Start A Trap-Neuter-Return Program

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the futility of ambition in the face of a world governed by blind chance...er...we mean will recall the hilarity which ensured the last time we visited the Palmetto State.

Well, it seems they're about to have themselves one of them there elections to replace governor Horn Dog, and the leading candidate is Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has compared giving people government assistance to feeding stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, and apparently neither am I because I am about to say one of the most fundamentally stupid and heartless things any candidate for public office has ever said while allegedly sober. She told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. See, if you don't feed the poor people, they'll die off and you won't have to take them down to the river in a bag with rocks in it like old Uncle Jedidiah did with the barn cats. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that and we all know who I'm talking about here, but just in case you don't his initials are NAACP," Bauer said.

Ed's Note: You know, we were tempted to let this article stand just the way he said it because, really, how much more stupid can you add to South Carolina stupid? Ultimately though, we decided to take it as a challenge.

Bauer told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else. So when I said, 'You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply' I really meant that poor people should learn to eat stray animals."

"You see, for the first time in the history of this country, we've got more people voting for a living than we do working for a living which wouldn't have happened if those meddling Yankees had let us keep the poll tax the way god intended."

Later in his speech, Bauer said, "You think I can't get any more stupid? Watch this: I can show you a bar graph where free and reduced lunch has the worst test scores in the state of South Carolina," adding, "You show me the school that has the highest free and reduced lunch, and I'll show you the worst test scores, folks. It's there, period. Which validates my theory that poor people are dumb as well as poor."

Bauer said there are no "repercussions" from accepting government assistance. "Well, unless you consider being poor in South Carolina a 'repercussion because idiots like me can say things like this in public and get taken seriously."

He said government hasn't made requirements to make those receiving aid be more responsible. "You know, like governor Sanford, or Roland Corning, or Strom Thurmond. "

Tymeco Gregory grew up in a single-parent home in which, he said, his family relied on free-lunch programs at school to survive while struggling to pay bills. "If I didn't get any money or help with food for school and stuff, we probably would have to go without eating at school," Gregory said. "We don't have a lot of extra money." Now an 18-year-old freshman physics major at Wofford College, Gregory credited a support system from Furman University's Bridges to a Brighter Future program and government assistance with helping him achieve his goal to attend college.

"See, that's just the kind of free loader I'm talking about," Bauer said. "What kind of name is 'Tymeco' anyway? He can't be no christian boy."