Friday, April 29, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the...wait a minute...what's that sound? Can you hear it? It sounds like...It sounds like...The fat lady singing.
Greyhound tracks, which say they have been losing money on racing and can make more from poker rooms, would be allowed to continue to offer gambling without having to stage live dog racing under a bill that passed Tuesday in the House. The measure (HB 1145), which passed the House 86-31, now goes to the Senate.
Whoa! 86 - 31! That's like almost three Set My Doggies Free to every Please Don't Make Us Get Jobs. That cannot be good. Someone must speak for the overlords. They must have an ally left somewhere. Oh, wait, we know, track owners. The people who provide the venues. The landlords, so to speak. They stand to lose big if greyhound exploitation racing ends. They must be speaking up.
Track owners pushed for the legislation. Many dog tracks now make most of their money off poker rooms and some actually lose money on dog racing.
Yes! The brotherhood of greyhound racing. It's like as  big family, it's...wait, what?
The House and Senate bills bring together an unlikely coalition – dog track operators who want to free themselves from the burdens of an increasingly unprofitable industry and animal rights organizations who believe dog racing is cruel.
Dog track operators and animal rights organizations? What kind of a family is that? It's like the mother in law moved in and now the overlords have to sleep in the garage.
Izzy Havenick, the vice president of Southwest Florida Enterprises, which owns the Bonita-based track, has said he would like to cut down the number of greyhound performances at his track. “We think it’s a good bill,” Havenick said. “We think it’s about time we’re allowed to determine what we do and how we run our business.
Um...did we say garage? Make that a tent out back by the garden shed. Well, on the bright side, at least they'll have more room than you did in your 2 1/2 by 3 foot crate huh, Charlein?

Charlien is quiet, shy, and skittish, but curious. She is affectionate with her foster family, but is a little tentative with new people. She follows her foster family around the house. She is starting to nuzzle her family. Charlien would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably do best with another dog in the home or with someone who is home most of the time. She tends to be vocal when left alone, so she needs a single family home.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

In Which Ironicus Pens a Missive To The President

Dear Mr. President:

We see by the intertoobz today that you have released the long form of your birth certificate. You said you took this step because the controversy surrounding your birth had become a "sideshow" and you wanted to put an end to what amounts to baseless speculation so the country can get back to discussing "serious issues."

Um...would that be the "serious issue" of the fake controversy around the debt ceiling which everyone knows is going to be raised anyway, or the "serious issue" of the deficit which is essentially a discussion of how we have to abandon old people and poor people so we can continue to fight three wars without raising taxes on the rich.

Are those the 'serious issues" you were thinking of Mr. President?

Now, we understand that anyone who rises to the highest political office in the land has to have some talent as a politician, and further, you cut your political teeth in Chicago, a place where the politics to say this politely...somewhat more intense than in other areas, so we can only assume your decision today was the result of falling down the stairs and hitting your head this morning.

See, Mr. President, even Middle Schoolers know the birthers don't really care whether you were born in Hawaii, or Kenya, or on Pluto. They don't like you because you're black, and it doesn't even matter that you're only part back. Any black is too much black for them.

Also, you seem to think that presenting them with the facts of the matter will put an end to their argument. Mr. President, have you not been paying attention at all these last two years? Have you ever heard of Fox News? Here's the first reaction in what will probably be a long, sad trail of similar responses:
If the document proves valid, it could answer the questions raised by those who have alleged he was not actually born in Hawaii. But it also could prove his ineligibility because of its references to his father. Some of the cases challenging Obama have explained that he was a dual citizen through his father at his birth, and they contend the framers of the Constitution excluded dual citizens from qualifying as natural born citizens.
 "If the document proves valid...But..."  You see where this is going Mr. President?

Far be it from us to tell you how to do your job, Mr. President, but if you would indulge us just this once we would like to offer a little piece of advice. When your opponents want to show themselves as the arrogantly ignorant bigots that they are, let them. See people voted for republicans in the last election because they took them at their word that they would try to do something to fix the mess this country has gotten itself into.

A mess, by the way you also said you were going to fix, and well, let's not get into that right now.

Anyway, the republicans presented themselves as rational people with plans and ideas. We all know how that turned out. So by letting republicans continue to be, well, republicans you might get people to come back to democrats and you'll get your majorities back, plus get reelected.

See how that works? Now, we'll leave aside for a moment that choosing between the republican and democratic parties is like choosing between a mud cookie and a tree bark sandwich because we like to think that, unlike your predecessor, you can learn from your mistakes and there may be hope for you yet. Get it? We "hope" you can "change." Just a little humor there to brighten your day.

Sincerely, your friend

Ironicus Maximus

PS: Mr. President? The unemployment rate is 9.2%  and the housing market? Ah, not so good.  Just thought you'd like to know.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

We Were Raised Catholics And That Weirds Us Out

What, are we in some sort of bizzaro competition with the Mormons now?

A phial filled with the blood of the late pope John Paul II will go on display at his beatification on Sunday and become available for veneration by the faithful.

On the bright side, this should increase conversions among Twilight fans.

Monday, April 25, 2011

And Quit Playin' That Dagum Devil Music

We're coming to you today from the Ebeneezer Scrooge Foundation for Public Policy here in the marbled halls of IM Central. ESFPP is a subsidiary of the Ayn Rand Institute For Sticking It To The Poors in partnership with the I Got Mine Center for Social Research That Proves he Rich Are Different.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the invisible hand of the market is generally picking their mean know that we take great pleasure in pointing out that residents of other states are often burdened by legislatures composed of walking advertisements for the need of better community mental health care in this country. Today, however we turn our gaze back to our own Water Winter Wonderland, the great state of Michigan (Motto: Poor? here's directions to Indiana) in the person of one State Senator Bruce Casswell (R-Grinch).

Under a new budget proposal from State Sen. Bruce Casswell, children in the state’s foster care system would be allowed to purchase clothing only in used clothing stores. “If they wanted nice things they should have stayed with their families,” Caswell says. “I got all the hand-me-downs when I was little and I wasn't even a foster kid. My parents just didn't like me.”

You know, Mr. Casswell, those foster kids, they aren't the ones who made fun of you when you were in school because you dressed funny. If you really want to get back at people who bullied you, you really don't do it by bullying someone else. Just a thought. Besides, some of those plaids you wore? Come on Mr. Casswell, they frightened small animals.

Casswell says the plan will save the state money, though it isn’t clear how much the state spends on clothing for foster children or how much could be saved this way. "Who cares how much we save," Casswell said.  "That's not as important as making sure those little delinquents know who's in charge."

OK, Mr. Caswell, but how about this, instead of your proposal, why don't we just pass a law that says they can't come on your lawn, and if they do, you get to squirt them with the hose as much as you want. Also, too, keep their baseball.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, anybody watch the Oscars this year? Borrring. How about the Grammys? ZZZZZZZ. Country Music Awards? Who you trying to kid? You want hot award action, you got to be in Abilene at the annual Overlord Thank God We Made It Another Year Without Having To Get A Job Banquet and Swap Meet.

Now, we know about this through our good friend whom we don't know, Mr. Dave Bergmeier, Senior Entertainment Editor for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review who covers these proceedings each year like white covers rice. Ain't that right editor Dave?
Two men instrumental in the success of racing greyhounds were saluted by their peers during Wednesday’s National Greyhound Association banquet at the Elks Club.
Yeah baby. Why, just in the last year more states have outlawed greyhound exploitation racing , more tracks have closed and more legislatures where there are tracks open are considering laws to bounce the overlords right out into the job market. Now that's some serious success right there. Donald Trump wishes he had success like that.
Tim Leuschner, general manager/simulcasting at Jacksonville Greyhound Racing, Inc., Jacksonville, Fla., and president of the American Greyhound Track Operators Association, was the banquet honoree and Herb “Dutch” Koerner, Hays, a breeder, owner and kennel operator, receive the inaugural Lifetime Achievement Award. Koerner was long-time board member and former president of the NGA board of directors. He has been inducted into the Greyhound Hall of Fame.
Tim Leuschner? The same Tim Leuschner who's organization is trying to throw the overlords under the bus in Florida so they can make more money? Hmmm...seems like you might want to exercise a little more due diligence in picking your honorees there Bub. Oh, and one program note: Herb “Dutch” Koerner will not be able to attend the banquet. Accepting his award will be his probation officer.
Emcee Bill Lee, who traveled from Denver to salute his friend, said Leuschner started at entry level in Colorado tracks in 1968, and through hard work and integrity worked his way up to upper management. Lee said many people may not realize Leuschner is an accomplished musician.
Oh, tell it MC Bill. No one plays the kazoo like the Timster. In fact, after the festivities he'll be giving a concert out by the curb at the bus station. Got to get up the fare to get back home donchano.

Karen Keelan, immediate past president of AGTOA, a Florida-based greyhound track operator, and Walmart Greeting School Trainee, admired Leuschner’s sense of humor and the fact that his lack of skills and abilities hadn't kept him from reaching upper management in the greyhound racing industry. In fact, having no talent for anything remotely useful had pretty much guaranteed him a bright career as an overlord. "I was particularly impressed with how his sense of humor got him through rough times," she said. "When I told him track owners in Florida were going to side with Grey2K to get rid of greyhound racing which would probably mean he'd be out of a job since most of the tracks left are in Florida, he just laughed and laughed. Course he was drunk at the time, so that may have had something to do with it."

Herb 'Dutch' Koerner was recognized with the initial Lifetime Achievement Award and Gary Guccione, executive director of the NGA, said he was the perfect first choice. "After all, he did avoid prison," Guccione told the audience. "Not all of us can say that." He read several letters that had been used at to help reduce Koerner's sentence at his trial.
The industry needs to have advocates like Koerner, a producer who is greatly respected and handles himself with dignity in and out of the spotlight, Dean Miner, Wheeling, W.Va., a greyhound owner said. The industry, in tough times, needs to keep its message in front of the public, and Koerner has done his part.

Well, if by doing his part you mean becoming a convicted felon, then yeah, we guess Koerner's your guy, right Skyp?

Skyp is active, bouncy, happy and very friendly. He is very affectionate. He will seek you out and will stay next to you for pets. He gives kisses. He is a quick learner. He likes to play with toys. He has cute floppy ears. He is very comical, inquisitive, and a cute boy. Skyp would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He would do best as an only dog, as he is a bit pushy with other dogs. He has a lot of energy since he is young and is a greyhound mix. He would make a great jogging partner. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Headline News From Ironicus! Your News Source For News That Is, You Know, Newsy And Stuff

Welcome to the Newsroom  at IM Central, where we monitor the world for you. Well, when the cable is working anyway. And if we haven't stepped out for a refresh of our adult beverage. Oh, and naps. Love the naps. Hey, it's not like you're paying us for this you know. What do you think this is, CNN? Wait, do they pay those guys? Seems like a network run by interns to us. We mean, "Nail Polish May Tip Off Politics"? How do you research a story like that? Oh wait, they only research comedy sketches. OK, how about "Mom's Struggling With Rising Prices"? Ya think genius? Also, too, Anderson Cooper.

Where were we? Oh yeah, headline news, Ironicus style:

Poll: 70% Of Tea Partiers Oppose Cuts To Medicare, Medicaid

Fear reduced benefits if government takes over programs.

PolitiFact Insists Republicans Don't Want To End Medicare

In other news, PolitiFact to announce "proof" that sun revolves around the earth.

Brewer Vetoes Birther Bill In Arizona

"It's time people went back to laughing at Texas," the governor told reporters.

Sean Hannity To Host Special Report On Media Bias For Fox News

Pot? Meet kettle.

This has been the first edition of Headline News While We're Still Sober. We expect to be added to Wolf Blitzer's show anytime now. Next week we open an investigative unit: Rain Makes Things Wet. Nature or Al Qaeda? Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

And He'll Start Serving His Sentence As Soon As They Can Agree On Who The Caterer Will Be

We're sorry you didn't enjoy your breakfast of left over tree rat in your refrigerator box down by the highway this morning, but we have some news that might make your dinner of discarded soup can medley a little more enjoyable: One of the bankers who helped drive this country's economy back to the bronze age has finally been convicted of something other than double parking his Bentley in the hospital ambulance zone while he waits for a Dermatologist to be flown in from Switzerland to attend to his hangnail.
The founder of what was once one of the nation’s largest mortgage lenders was convicted of fraud on Tuesday for masterminding a scheme that cheated investors and the government out of billions of dollars. It is one of the few successful prosecutions to come out of the financial crisis.
One of the few "successful" prosecutions? Now, we're not lawyers or anything, but isn't it hard to have a "successful" prosecution if you don't have any prosecutions? Can someone clear that up for us?
After more than a day of deliberations, a federal jury in Virginia found Lee B. Farkas, the former chairman of Taylor, Bean & Whitaker, guilty on 14 counts of securities, bank and wire fraud and conspiracy to commit fraud.
Or as they call it on Wall Street: Lunch.
“There’s no question that it is very momentous and a very significant case,” said Lanny Breuer, the assistant attorney general for the criminal division of the Justice Department.
 Darn straight, Mr. Breuer. Course it's not hard to have a "very momentous and a very significant case" when that's the only case you got. Competition's not real stiff if you get our point. Just saying.
The Justice Department has yet to bring charges against an executive who ran a major Wall Street firm leading up to the disaster. An earlier case against hedge fund managers at Bear Stearns ended in acquittal. Prosecutors dropped their investigation into Angelo R. Mozilo, the former chief of Countrywide Financial, which nearly collapsed under the weight of souring subprime home loans.
Oh we totally understand. After all, if you don't win, why try? OK, here's our guess: If Angelo had robbed a Seven Eleven of a couple hundred dollars and some cigarettes instead of wrecking the lives of thousands of people, wouldn't be no investigation dropping going on then would there Mr. Dee part ment O Justice? Huh?
Six other Taylor, Bean & Whitaker executives — including its former chief executive and former treasurer — have already pleaded guilty. Some agreed to testify against Mr. Farkas at his trial.
Nothing personal there, Mr. Farkas. Jus' bidness, yo? The invisible hand of the market flipping you the bird and whatnot.
Mr. Farkas took the stand during the trial to defend his actions and deny any wrongdoing. During the course of the fraud, prosecutors said, Mr. Farkas pocketed some $20 million, which he used to buy a private jet, several homes and a collection of vintage cars.
Man! That dude has some seriously big pockets, but we think we see your problem Mr. Farkas. See, it's not just wrong if you get caught, it's wrong when you do it too. It's understandable that little bit of esoteric moral philosophy would slip by you, being the type of person that would make Blackbeard look like a Sunday School teacher and all.
“Today’s verdict ensures that Farkas will pay for his crime — an unprecedented scheme to defraud regulators during the height of the financial crisis and to steal over $550 million from the American taxpayers through TARP,” Christy Romero, the acting special inspector general for the TARP program, said in a statement.
Yeah, well good for you and all that Ms. Romero, but $550 million? If Farkas worked for one of the big three banks he could have paid the whole $550 mill back out out of his bonus and still had enough left over to go with the Mahogany trim on the yacht. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Let Us All Now Praise Kevlar Jesus

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the cosmos doesn't care that you have potential but never get a break...erm...we mean know that we have often discoursed on the topic of our relationship with the deity. Having cut our theological teeth in the Church Catholic, we feel uniquely qualified to opine on these matters, especially now that we've completed our therapy and our course of medications.

That being said, however we still find that even though we have discussed this issue before, certain elements of current christian ritual befuddle us to the point where we often long for the wise counsel of our seventh grade teacher, sister Arnulfa, whose response to almost any canonical question was the same: "No where in the Bible does it say God has to explain anything to you. Now shut up and finish translating the Gallic Wars."
Parishioners carried Bibles in embroidered cases, babies with ribbons in their hair, and flutes, violins and sheet music into Immanuel Bible Church for Palm Sunday services. And a few carried guns, tucked into waistbands, hidden under suit jackets.
OK, so you go to church on Sunday with a gun sticking out of your pants like you are some sort of  Pancho Via or something. This is the image you want to present to Jesus?
Since the Virginia attorney general published an advisory opinion last week on weapons in houses of worship, Rev. Steve Holley, the church’s pastor of ministries wonders whether more of his flock will have “a Bible in one holster and a handgun in the other as they come to church.”
Well of course you need a firearm in a house of worship. You never know when...wait a minute...they make holsters for bibles? Who needs to quick draw Leviticus?
Virginia law bars guns in religious meetings unless the person has a “good and sufficient reason” to carry a weapon.
"Look," said Buford (Hog boy) Hayes Junior the Third. "I got a tenth grade education, a dead end job, my wife won't let me touch her and my kids think I suck gravel through a straw. If that's not “good and sufficient reason to carry a weapon" I don't know what is. People respect me when they see a gun sticking out under my belly. Especially when it occurs to them that I'm just stupid enough to have it loaded with the safety off.
In the earliest days, firearms and religion were enormously important to Virginians, with residents expected to own guns and practice shooting regularly and to worship publicly.
"Them was the days," Hayes mused. "The darkies knew their place, women didn't give you no lip, and if you wanted to have a few beers, then go out in the backyard in your underwear and pop off a couple of rounds at the neighbor's cat, nobody said nothing to you."
In many parts of Virginia, people carry guns openly at places such as grocery stores, parks and some polling places. Some conceal the weapons if they have a permit to do so. The Rev. Jonathan Barton, head of the Virginia Council of Churches, told of a groom who wanted to keep his gun in its holster during his wedding ceremony.
Oh, that wedding night must have been fun. "Now honey, we're about to come together as man and wife, but I swear if you laugh when I take my pants off, I'll shoot you."
Barton was saddened by  Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II's opinion. “A house of worship is for celebration of life, and to carry a concealed weapon into that space is to violate that sacred space.”
"Oh get over it, Barton," Hayes countered. "Don't feed me any of that pious crap. Women come to church to check out what other women are wearing and guys check out each others guns. Why do you think god invented the sabbath anyway? Read your bible man."

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, as far back as this blog goes we've been taking weekly trips down to the dog racing side of town to check in on the overlords and just generally marvel at the fantasy world they created for themselves in which they were entrepreneurs, sportsmen and women and animal lovers. Generally we'd throw a verbal brick or two at this edifice of delusion, and occasionally we would force the overlords to stick their fingers in their ears and sing LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

Lately though it seems reality has taken a wrecking ball to the whole imaginary village called Greyhound Racing and the overlords are all standing around with confused looks on their faces blinking st the shattered remains of their hallucinatory utopia. We mean check it
A Senate panel Wednesday moved a bill that would no longer require that greyhound tracks hold live races.Track owners have wanted to shed their books of  live races because they are sparsely attended money losers.
Track owners! Man,  that's like if your own momma called you ugly right there. And that's not all.
The bill's sponsor, Sen. Maria Sachs, D-Delray Beach, said that the bill allows track owners to continue holding races where it is profitable, but it does not require anyone to hold races where they are not. "The bill does nothing to prevent races from being held," she said.
Kennel owners argued that the move would put them out of business, because there would be a greatly reduced demand for their product.
Well, if by "demand" you mean legal requirement, that's correct Mr. Kennel owner, but it sounds to us like maybe you've already figured out nobody wants you around.Well, not as much as you are now anyway:
The bill's sponsor said since 1990, state taxes collected for live greyhound racing declined by 96%. The state currently mandates track owners run a certain number of races to maintain card rooms. Passage would give them the choice to eliminate racing, but continue other forms of gambling. The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound track is in favor of the bill, and if passed, would not eliminate racing, but decrease it by about 75%.
OK so you take an event that no one comes to now, and reduce it by 75%. That's like the old song, when you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose. And that's the good news.
"Whatever gambling scheme that we had in the past is not working any more," said Sen. Ellyn Bogdanoff, chairwoman of the Senate Budget Subcommittee on Finance and Tax, which passed the bill on Wednesday. "We have a decision to make as to whether we want to allow our businesses to grow or if we want to strategically and statutorily run them out of businesses," said Bogdanoff, a Republican from Fort Lauderdale.
Continuing to have greyhound racing will run the tracks out of business. That's not what you would call a rosy assessment if you're an overlord. And it gets worse.
A sensible bill sponsored by Tampa Republican state Rep. Dana Young would end the charade by "decoupling" the live race requirement from the gambling license. Race track owners, obviously, support the measure, but animal protection groups also want a change that will result in fewer races that they believe are inhumane.
Charade. Oh now that's just harsh right there, right Watson?

Watson very playful and puppy-like. He has his energy in the morning, but by the evening, he is ready for a good rest. He is affectionate; he will approach and lick your hand or stand by you and lean for attention. He can launch a stuffy across the room. He plays with toys by himself and with the family dogs.  Watson would be fine in a working family home, with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with smaller children, but needs a little more training to control his enthusiasm around them. He would do best with another dog in the home to keep him company or with a family that has someone home most of the time. He would do best in a home with a fenced yard.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Mr. President? A Word, Please

Mr. President?

Now that you have decided you want to be president again, we were hoping you could clear up a couple of things for us.

First of all, as we suppose you are aware, America is at the deep end of the deep doo doo pile and with our political infrastructure crumbling down around us in scattered piles of corporate sponsored detritus, it may be that no one could get us out of this mess.

But that being said, we wonder if you could explain some stuff to us, now that you're going into candidate mode and all. First of all, the deficit. You accepted the republican premise that the debate on the deficit was actually about the deficit when even a blind man who just spent the evening discussing economic policy with Johnnie Walker could see it was really about keeping some poor woman in Cincinnati from getting access to health care unless it contributed to the bottom line of some insurance company somewhere, and keeping Big Bird from filling the minds of impressionable children with socialistic ideas about sharing, community and the value of diversity. That is what the republicans were willing to shut down the entire Federal government to accomplish, even if it meant the troops in the field would have to buy their own bullets.

At a time when unemployment is 9.2% (and that doesn't even count the people who've just given up) and the foreclosure crisis is ramping up you decide to engage the republicans on how best to cut the two most important and needed social safety nets we have: Social Security and Medicare because, well, because republicans said so, all the while ignoring the 698 billion pound gorilla in the room, defense spending. And seriously, Mr. President, you're starting with Simpson-Bowles? Simpson-Bowels? Even Simpson-Bowles couldn't agree on Simpson-Bowles.

Your administration either passively condones, or actively supports the torture of Bradley Manning whose greatest crime so far has been to embarrass a bunch of diplomats, while Wall Street bankers who did serious harm to the country and disrupted the lives of millions of families still sit in their Walnut paneled offices on  leather chairs stuffed with bonus money when they should be in jail. And your Justice Department makes hardly a peep.

You bomb Libya to prevent an atrocity, but ignore the atrocities being committed in Bahrain.

You signed the Affordable Health Care Act which is so riddled with caveats and legalese it makes the Tax Code look positively transparent by comparison, and the bulk of it doesn't even go into effect until after Sasha and Malia have received post graduate degrees.

You continue to fight a war that is so stupid even the Russians gave up on it and went home thirty years ago.

Well, like we said, even if we actually had political leadership that was concerned with the future of this country, a citizenry that was capable of recognizing their own best interests, and corporations that saw something other than their own best interests, it might be too little too late, but still we can't help but wonder, since you've put yourself out there again, what, exactly, would be the point of electing you again?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Tennessee! Motto: Don't Throw Me In That Briar Patch Brer Fox

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know disappointment is the handmaiden of existence...erm...we mean know we hale from the great state O' Tennessee. West Tennessee to be exact, so close to the Mississippi we could spit in it on a windy day. That right there is one of them Tennessee tall tales. Well, we tell you this because our home state is once again in the news for their commitment to cutting edge 19th century educational practices.
Tennessee's Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.
OK, we think we see your problem there Republican-dominated House of Representatives. See, "teachers" who want to use their classrooms to challenge the theory of human evolution are not "teachers." They're evangelists. Hope this clears up your confusion.
Thursday's 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote "critical thinking" in science classes.
Oops. Guess not. Now, Mr. Representative Bill Dunn, R-Knothead, one does not promote "critical thinking" by espousing blind adherence to bronze age dogma in the face of over 150 years of evidence to the contrary. Your position would be more appropriately described as...ah...somewhat uninformed dunderheadery, also, too, hysterical flailing at a world you feel has spun out of your control. Not to put too fine a point on it.
House Minority Leader Craig Fitzhugh, D-Ripley, was quoted by the Chattanooga Times Free Press drawing a connection between the proposal and the the trial of teacher John Scopes for teaching evolution depicted in the film "Inherit the wind." "I remember ... where Spencer Tracy at the end, he had that book called 'Origin of Species' and looked at it in one hand and had the Holy Bible in the other. He glanced back and forth and he put them both together and walked out of the room. This has never been a problem for me. So I guess I'm having a little bit of a problem in wondering why we're doing this."
Point taken Mr. Fitzhugh. One would think in a state with the 9th highest poverty rate in the US, the sixth most dangerous state to live in according to CQ press crime state rankings, and a literacy rate of 47%  the legislature would have a few more pressing issues to deal with than preserving their own ignorance for the next generation.

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Oh, you guys are good. Here you come with that old country bumpkin, aww shucks, corn pone act and all the while you've been running a game on us. We see what you're up to. You found out MacDonald is going to hire 50,000 workers and you're thinking if you can create a school system that stifles curiosity, punishes critical thought and discourages questioning while teaching students to accept the word of their betters as final, your kids will rocket to the top of the list. Brilliant!

Friday, April 08, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Word A Day Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WADD is a division of the Thesaurus Was Not A Dinosaur Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Syllables R Us, NA

It seems the overlords have learned a new word this week: Decoupling.
New legislation that could shake up Florida's dog racing industry is slowly making its way through the state Senate and House of Representatives. The bill would eliminate current rules that require dog track owners to conduct a minimum number of races a year in order to operate slot machines. The revisions would decouple racing and gambling, allowing the individual track owners the option to stop racing while continuing gambling operations.
Now, you're probably thinking, "Wait a minute Ironicus. You mean the government required the overlords to exploit the units  race the dogs a certain number of times? Why, that's unmitigated government intrusion into the private sector! That's communistic socialism or something. The terrorists are winning! Why isn't Glen Beck all over this?"

Well, you might have a point. Lord knows there's no more freedom loving bunch than the overlords. You gotta figure that being part of a business like this one means free enterprise is in their genetic makeup and all these years of living under the government thumb have been sheer torture for them. We mean, they're always telling us that greyhounds were born to chase a mechanical rabbit around a dirt track at great peril to their own mean born to run, well, the overlords were born to take advantage of that free from the oppressive hand of government on their shoulders. This is truly a day that will go down in overlord history as independence day, right Yvonne Gurbada, the Florida Greyhound Association's treasurer for 22 years?
"These bills are the results of the animal rights groups trying to kill dog racing. Many of the Florida tracks have jumped on the bandwagon with them because they see an opportunity to run poker rooms and slots without having to deal with dog racing," said Gurbada.
Darn straight, Ms. Gurbada. It's what makes America great. The government gets out of your way and unshackles the power of free enter...wait a minute.  You're against this? You want big brother looking over your shoulder with his hand in your pocket? We think you misunderstand the intent of your legislators, Ms. Gurbada.
With emotions running high among animal activists and those who make a livelihood off of racing dogs, a few key points are overlooked.This bill will not end dog racing, it merely gives track owners a choice on whether or not to continue racing without fear of losing more lucrative gambling machines.
See? No one wants to do away with greyhound racing, we just want to set you free to realize its full potential. After all, the dynamic and exciting world of greyhound racing has thrilled tens over the last several years and there's no reason to expect that this minor adjustment in the relationship you have with your local government will lead to anything other than a renaissance for the sport. Why, thinking we want to get rid of greyhound racing is a big over-reaction, Ms. Gurbada.  That's the farthest thing from our thoughts. That...wait a minute...what's this?
A move to permanently end greyhound racing in Iowa was revived today in the state Senate, abruptly halting debate on a gambling bill that was expected to require a report on legalizing Internet poker in Iowa.
Oh. Guess they do want to get rid of greyhound racing all together. OK, our bad. Did you know about this Bill?

Bill is really sweet and loving. He is a quick learner, with plenty of energy. He follows his foster family around the house and LOVES to be with people. Bill likes to find people who will pet him whenever he can. Bill is confident, sweet, playful and cuddly. He wants to be around everyone all the time. Bill is comical when he burps out loud like a person and his tail wags up and down rather than side to side. Bill jumps in the air & does a 360° turn and pounces down on his toys. He is so funny and entertaining. He leaves mismatched slippers all over the house. Bill would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep him company or with a family that is home most of the time if he is the only dog. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

If He Wins Does The Miz Get An Ambassadorship?

You know, sometimes we pay so little attention to what's going on around us that even we feel bad about it. We just found out Donald Trump is running for president! Who knew? Well, apparently everyone but us. Again, must rethink Bloody Mary's as a breakfast menu choice.

Actually, The Donald isn't "officially" running for president he just says he's thinking about it so he can get on all the cool tee vee shows.
Trump told NBC News in an interview that plans to decide by June whether to run. He said that if he's nominated, "I'd like to beat him straight up," not on the basis of the birth issue.
"The birth issue?" That's all you got? Donny boy, come on, "the birth issue" is so 2008. It's Sharia Law man! Terrorist anchor babies! What kind of a president can we expect you to be if your policies can't keep up with the needs of the nation?
Asked in an interview broadcast on the "Today" show how genuine his presidential ambition is, Trump said, "I always take things seriously, but I've never taken it seriously like this."
Can't argue with you there Mr. Trump sir. Anybody who owns the Miss USA pageant and World Wrestling Entertainment has got to be serious. About something. World hunger perhaps?
"I wish I didn't have to do it," he said.
Yeah, and our first thought was to agree with you, but then we pondered the possibilities. Picture this: Iowa. Republican primary candidate debate. On the stage, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain and Donald Trump. It would be the singularity of stupid! Can you imagine? It would be one of those "where were you when" moments, like the moon landing, or the miracle on ice. It would be something your grand-kids would ask you about. "Grandad? Where were you the day all the intelligence was sucked out of the universe?
He accused Obama of carrying out a confusing policy on the civil war in Libya, saying "nobody knows what's happening, and now it looks like (Libyan strongman Moammar) Gadhafi is going to beat the United States."
Well, that's understandable. Anyone running for president has to display a knowledge of world events and...wait Gadhafi is beating us? We thought he was fighting with rebels in his own country. See, it's like we said at the beginning of this post, we just don't pay enough attention. Has he invaded yet? Cause if he's invaded we should probably pack up some stuff, you know? What with him beating us and all.
"I'm only interested in Libya if we get the oil," Trump said.
Point taken, Mr. Donald. A regime that sponsors terrorism around the world can be ignored as long as your chauffeur can top off the tank of the Limo whenever you want to tour your properties.
Of Obama, he said, "I want him to do well. ... I love this country, but this country is going to hell. ... The world laughs at us. They won't be laughing if I'm elected president."
Might have a point there DT. We mean, Carrot Top is a real knee slapper of a guy, but if he was put in charge of a ballistic missile submarine, well that right there wouldn't be very funny.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

As A Baby He Was Shaken, Not Stirred

We're not generally in the business of giving advice to the Teabaggers. After all, when you put as much thought and analysis into your positions as they do, craft your message with such expertise, and broadcast it with cutting edge technology, what is there to give advice about? Well, OK spelling, but that's a minor quibble in the overall drive to keep the government from taking over medicare.

Still, we ran across this floating by on the interwebz and it occurred to us that maybe a word or two of helpful suggestions might be in order.
Former Tea Party Express spokesman Mark Williams, who stepped down from the group after making a series of racist remarks, has a plan to "infiltrate and sabotage" the Obama campaign by volunteering as a campaign worker.
Now, Mr. Williams, we don't mean to pass ourselves off as experienced covert agents or anything--although we have seen all the James Bond movies. And by all, we mean all with the real James Bond--Sean Connery. As for the rest, POSEURS!! We mean, Timothy Dalton?!!?! What, was Carrot Top unavailable? And this latest guy...he plays Commander Bond like our butts chew bubblegum.

Where were we? Oh yeah, "infiltrate and sabotage." See, Mr. Williams, the first rule of "infiltrate and sabotage" is don't talk about "infiltrate and sabotage." When you tell someone you're going to "infiltrate and sabotage" their organization, you're not infiltrating or sabotaging anymore. You're just some drunk who crashes the party and pees in the punch bowl.
It is the duty of every American Citizen to do everything within their power to disrupt and defeat the domestic enemy that currently occupies the corridors of power in Washington and a dangerous number of state capitols," Williams continued.
Oh, you're talking about Republicans. We though you were talking about Obama. OK then, infiltrate and sabotage away.
The plan is simple: President Obama launched his reelection campaign Monday, which includes a web page to sign up to be a volunteer. Williams signed up, and told TPM that he's going to "work from the inside to disrupt and derail" the campaign.
So you were talking about Obama. Gotcha. That part about the state capitols threw us off there what with Obama being president and all. You know, one guy living in the White House. In Washington D.C. Not the capitol of any state.
Williams also told TPM that he's not worried the Obama campaign will get wise to his scam, even though he posted about it on a public website: "I don't think they're anywhere near that bright, based on the President's performance over the past few years."
Umm...this from the guy who said the NAACP makes more money off of race than any slave trader ever did? Stupid is as stupid does, Mr. Williams. Just saying.
"Eerily enough the Obama campaign web site automatically filled in my home address when I entered my email address. I say "eerily" because I used an AOL address that I keep as a SPAM catch all and have never used to contact the campaign or the White House. I wonder how they had my home address?" Williams wrote on his blog.
We're with you there, Mr. Williams. We've long suspected that Form Auto Fill was some sort of nefarious government plot.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Arkansas! Motto: It's Better To Look Smart Than Be Smart

We're coming to you today from the Department of Misplaced Opportunities here in the marbled halls of IM Central. the DOMO is a division of the Thinking Is Hard Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Solutions Looking for Problems, Inc.

Now, if you've managed to actually get out of your basement at all in the last several years, you may have noticed that the state of educational achievement in this country has been quite the subject of conversation. It is unfortunate that most of those doing the conversing are totally clueless when it comes to having any expertise in the issue, (we're looking at you Bill Gates) but let's leave for another day a treatise on the lack of a causal relationship between money and intelligence. (Preview: our position is that having a lot of the former does not automatically confer the latter upon you--we're looking at you Donald Trump ).

Well, anyway, global competitiveness, you know? Beat the Chinese to the moon, or some such. (Fun fact: Did you know the best way to learn how to manage the higher level math, physics, material science and all the other stuff  it takes to put a man on the moon is by taking 37 multiple choice tests a year? Starting in pre-school. You can look it up. Also, too, fire all the teachers.)

The point is, the very serious people have become seriously concerned about the serious decline in the quality of American education. Seriously. And since America turned the reigns of power over to the unmedicated last November, the effort to return America to its leadership role in academic achievement is being lead by accomplished educational intellectuals such as these folks.
Arkansas students who love their sagging pants should soon leave them at home. Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe signed a bill on Wednesday that bans students from wearing clothing that exposes "underwear, buttocks or the breast of a female."
For those of you keeping score at home, this isn't some backwoods principal somewhere decreeing  that his school will be free of hip hop attire because he saw "some o' them colored fellas with their skivvies a hangin' out." This is a State Law, duly passed by the legislature of a state ranking 37th out of 50 in education, after--we suppose--reasoned debate, consensus and compromise, then signed by the governor, no doubt in some sort of ceremony, perhaps at a Tux Rental Shop.

OK, we have a couple of questions. First of all, that part about exposing the buttocks. Are plumbers exempted? And the part about female breasts. Is there an epidemic of unfettered teenaged mammaries in Arkansas Public Schools? Why were we not told about this? Are there any job openings? Well, never mind. We guess if Arkansas schools were ever the world headquarters of underage girls gone wild, they aren't anymore thanks to the swift and decisive action of governor Boobie...erm...Beebe.

"We feel the bill can improve the learning environment in schools," said Donna Morey, president of the Arkansas Education Association. "Of course buildings where the roof doesn't leak, and books recent enough to mention the moon landing would also improve the learning environment in schools, but this is all about priorities in an age of limited resources," she added.
"School boards will have to look at existing school dress code policies and make sure they are in compliance with this new law," said Kristen Gould, staff attorney for the Arkansas School Boards Association, a non-profit. "Many of them may well be, and if not, they will have to incorporate it into their current policy and design punishment in accordance."
Wait, School Boards are going to have to come up with dress codes?  Oh man.Who's going to help with that? How will they be trained? You can't just expect them to do stuff they've never had to do before without some kind of support. Oh well, they have no one to blame but themselves. If they had addressed this problem with dress codes in the first place, the governor wouldn't have had to step in and solve the problem for them. That's far seeing leadership stuff right there. Beebe 2012? Not out of the question. Our vote for a slogan? "Beebe in 12. That's My IQ. This Is My Year."
Florida is considering a bill similar to the Arkansas law.
Well of course they are. They're number 36 and you know they hear Arkansas gaining on them now that the students can run without tripping over their pants.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey overlords! Did you hear that as part of President Obama's new economic stimulus package all remaining  greyhound exploitation racing tracks are going to be closed and reopened as Water Fun Parks for inner city youth? Don't worry though, you'll still have a job. Course it will be dressing up as Wally Whale or Sammy Shark and letting the kids throw water balloons at you, but so what? It's not like you'll break any bones or anything. Also, Too, Tips! You should report to the track in the next week or so to be measured for your costume. Our advice? Go with Wally Whale. Sammy's fin makes it really hard to get through doors and stuff.

Ha ha. April Fool. Had you going for a minute there didn't we? You were thinking "Holy crap, I'm gonna have to work for a living!" Well, that part may not be a joke.
State law allows the Daytona club and the state's 12 other dog tracks to have card rooms and casinos only if the club offers a certain number of live dog races throughout the year. The Legislature may end that requirement, though, in a move that has aligned dog-track owners with animal-protection activists — groups usually at odds. Track owners want to scale back races if they're not profitable, and animal groups support the change on humanitarian grounds.
 Whoa. Track owners are like the overlord's land lords, you know? And when the fellow you're paying rent to doesn't even want you around anymore, well that's gotta hurt, yo?
The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room runs hundreds of greyhound races a year, even during slow periods for tourism.
"...even during slow periods for tourism." Hahahahahaha! That's pretty funny Todd Byers, who owns a kennel in Daytona Beach. Like tourists come to Florida for greyhound racing!

"Hey, we had a tourist once," Byers replied. OK, so it was a guy with senile dementia who got in his car in Georgia to go to the store and ended up here, but he was from out of state so that counts. He didn't bet though. In fact he left when we told him we didn't have a frozen foods section."
Tax revenue from dog tracks has plummeted by more than 96 percent since 1990, when the state collected more than $75 million. Last year, the state collected less than $2.7 million. Legislators said a change in the law might prompt six or seven tracks to eliminate dog racing, costing the state about $1.4 million a year.
OK, here's our question: If you're passing a decoupling law because you want to "eliminate dog racing," why not just pass a law that eliminates dog racing? It's like cause and effect stuff, you know? Ask the people in Massachusetts.
Patrick Biddix, managing partner of Melbourne Greyhound Park and Club 52 poker room, said his property would drop live racing.
 Dang. Hope there's a Walmart nearby that's hiring.
Dog trainers are those most opposed to decoupling. A total of 3,000 jobs related to dog racing are at stake, said Joe Trudden, a Miami dog trainer. He said he arrived at that figure by adding the average number of trainers, greyhound-farm workers and track staff members that handle the dogs.
Woo hoo! Econometrics, man! Take the number of part time, low wage, no benefit jobs, divide by the number of people on food stamps, multiply the  answer by six because, why not? Then take that number, set it aside and make something up. Yay Science! Don't you wish you'd gone to school Gable?

Gable Tombstone is a very lovely boy and “velcro dog” who loves to go where his people go. He is a fun loving, confident dog who loves playing with toys and tossing them in the air. He has one ear that goes up and one that goes back and his teeth chatter like crazy when he gets excited. He is very curious of birds, squirrels and just about everything else!   “Gabe” would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. Gabe needs assertive and attentive family members who will be leaders and let him know what the rules of the house are.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.