Friday, July 29, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, another week in greyhound and what do we have to show for it? Another track closes. This is getting to be old news.

The track's decision is expected to leave its 42 part-time employees without jobs. "Yeah. We'll have to go someplace else to get minimum wage no benefit jobs," employee Rosalind Kivela said.

So, with all this bad news raining down on the overlords we can assume that because of their astute business senses and clear eyed view of the landscape they are making plans for the post racing future, right Eric Wilson, president of the American Greyhound Track Operators Association?

"The problem is the demographics of our industry are changing," Wilson said. "Young people want a gambling experience that involves computer technology. The industry is going to have to come up with some sort of methodology to incorporate that type of technology into the industry."

Umm...Ok...You mean like robot dogs? Not quite the same thing, but hey, it's your delusion. We'll stick with the flesh and blood versions, like this week's hound, Dangerous Benny G:

Benny is a friendly, happy boy. He loves everything and everyone. He is playful, a bit puppy-like and energetic at times, and he is very affectionate. He is snuggly, with people and other dogs, and he likes to lie at/on the family’s feet. He loves looking at his reflection in mirrors. He enjoys playing with toys and enjoys chewing dog chews. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 28, 2005


We're confused. Not over whether our current relations with certain fundamentalist members of certain underground radical groups is GWOT or GSAVE. What we want to know is if the mission is still accomplished? Well, we'd also like to know what the frequency is, but Dan Rather won't return our calls.

In recent speeches and news conferences, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has spoken of "a global struggle against violent extremism" rather than "the global war on terror," which had been the slogan. Administration officials say that phrase may have outlived its usefulness, because it "focused attention on the fact that after two years we don't even control Baghdad, haven't found Osama Bin Laden, WMD's, or been welcomed as liberators."

Gen. Richard B. Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said, "GWOT's a bust because it's associated in the public mind with what's going on in Iraq and Afghanistan right now. We need a new slogan the same as MacDonalds had to move from 'You deserve a break today' to 'I'm lovin' it.'"

Administration and Pentagon officials say the revamped campaign has grown out of meetings of President Bush's senior national security advisers and representatives of BBDO one of the world's largest advertising firms. "We figured we weren't going to be able to play the spreading democracy angle again," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "So we figured we'd get some professional help. GSAVE tested best so we went with it."

The shifting language is one of the most significant changes in the administration's strategy to battle Al Qaeda and its affiliates. "OK, it's our only strategy to battle Al Qaeda and its affiliates," Secretary Rumsfeld admitted at a Pentagon briefing. "We need to divert people from the gloomy reality and offer a positive fantasy, and that fantasy needs a name."

"The president said we were going to use all the means of national bluster and obfuscation to keep people distracted," said Lawrence Di Rita, Mr. Rumsfeld's spokesman. "If the terrorists think they have a better slogan, well I say bring it on. Oops, I said terrorists. I meant violent extremists."

Opinion polls show that the public is increasingly pessimistic about the mission in Iraq, with many doubting its link to the counter terrorism mission. So, a new distraction confusing the public with irrelevant acronyms may allow the administration to avoid having to explain the daily mayhem in Iraq and the mounting American casualties.

Douglas J. Feith, the under secretary of defense said that because the nation's efforts were limited to "fighting the enemy where he isn't, you're on a treadmill that is likely to go downhill with time." The key to "ultimately selling the war," he said, "is having a pithy slogan that disheartens the terrorists. Oops, I means the radical extremists."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Uncle Sam Wants You...To Quit Bogarting The Doritos

So it now seems most people believe Bush lied to us about the need to invade Iraq. A politician lying to get something he wants? And you're just figuring that out? Folks, have you been paying attention at all?

Well, don't feel too bad. If the Pentagon can get scammed by a high school kid, you could fall victim to president bamboozle.

David McSwane, a senior on the newspaper at Arvada West High School in Colorado posed as a high school dropout with a marijuana habit and went down to his local Army recruitment station to enlist.

"I acted like I was stoned," McSwane said. "I said I'd heard drugs were free in the Army. I figured they'd throw me out."

Instead the recruiting officer pulled a bag of Doritos out of his desk, offered some to the student and told him that he could score just about anything he wanted.

When asked about the recruiter's response, Michael D. Rochelle, Commander of Army Recruiting said that "munchies on hand were standard operating procedure. Most people who want to join are either drunk or high."

McSwane was sent to a local head shop to score a detoxifying kit the recruiter claimed had helped two previous recruits pass drug tests. The honor student told his recruiter he didn't know what the detox formula looked like, so the man agreed to go to the store with him.

"Again, SOP," said Commander Rochelle. "You'd be surprised how many recruits we pick up by hanging around head shops, bars, country and western concerts and professional wrestling matches."

Aside from his drug problem, McSwane said he had no high school diploma. No problem, the recruiters told him. There are web sites where anyone can order a diploma from a school they make up. "It can be like Faith Hill Baptist School or whatever you choose," one recruiter said. "Or you could just tell them you were home schooled."

"Look. If a person wants to join the Army, why should they be held back by technicalities," Rochelle said. "Besides, it's not like we're trying to recruit rocket scientists or anything. If you can walk and bend your index finger we want you."

"It's been kind of cool to see a reaction from the Pentagon on a story done in a high school paper," the teen reporter said. Within a few days the story had made national headlines, and the U.S. Army froze recruiting operations nationwide for a day. His two would-be recruiters were assigned to Alabama "where the kids aren't smarter than the recruiters," said Rochelle.

Rick Kaufman, a spokesman for Jefferson County Public Schools, said that after the initial report ran, "the principal was very clear with David that the articles could not go any further because that was the only way to get the tank off of school grounds."

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Hey Abdul, We Need Another 'Unidentified Iraqi'

Well, fog of war and all that. These things happen. The U.S. military expressed regret for issuing news releases about two separate attacks in Iraq that included almost identical quotes attributed to an "unidentified Iraqi."

"Task Force Baghdad Public Affairs regrets the confusion regarding two press releases issued in support of our operations July 24," said a statement. "In the second quote the 'unidentified Iraqi' was supposed to say the insurgency was in its last throes."

"Look, these bombs go off, two, three times a day everyday," said Lt. Col. Clifford Kent, spokesman for the 3rd Infantry Division. "And that's just in Baghdad. How many different ways can you describe it? Besides, most Iraqis won't talk to us so we pay this guy to be on call."

In the first news release, an "unidentified Iraqi" spoke of terrorists attacking "the children." In the second release, an "unidentified Iraqi" referred to strikes on "the ISF," or Iraqi Security Forces.

A lot of Iraqis don't speak English so good," said Colonel Kent. "So we have this little card for them to read with fill in the blanks for whatever the target was. In retrospect I guess that wasn't such a good idea."

"Task Force Baghdad Public Affairs" issued a statement that read, in part, "Effective immediately we will issue all quotes from 'an unidentified Iraqi' at the beginning of each week for press insertion as events merit."

Monday, July 25, 2005

Why Yes Timmy. Jesus Did Play Truth Or Dare

In the interests of full disclosure we admit to being big fans of truth or dare in our younger days. The time we got Billy Lewis to admit he wet the bed until he was 12 ranks right up there with learning that the old man didn't keep a running inventory of his liquor cabinet.

Still, it never occurred to us to engage our baby sitters in the game like they apparently do at a Christian Daycare in Florida. where Tammy Sue Warren, lifted up her shirt during a game of Truth or Dare with the children.

"Everybody thinks it was dare that made her do it," said Michael Gettig, one of the children who attended the Daycare, "but it was really truth. We couldn't believe they were real."

Joshua Palin, the former director of the day-care center, and son of the affiliated church's pastor, has been charged with molesting 10 children. "I'm completely flabbergasted," his father said at a press conference. "As a kid he used to lock himself in the bathroom a lot, but we thought he was reading his Bible."

Hmmm...Maybe we should get Rick Santorum in on this. Nah. They aren't Catholic and this isn't Boston.

Palin is charged with ''daring'' children age 5 to 14 to fondle him. The former director and Boy Scout Troop Leader is also a spokesperson for the "Abstinence Only" program in the local school district said he felt he had not violated his pledge. "None of them were old enough to really know anything about sex, so it doesn't count," he said.

His court-appointed attorney, Alan Rosner, said Palin has pleaded not guilty, but declined to comment further. ''It's hard enough to stand here with a straight face and tell you my client's not a perv,'' Rosner said. "I'll probably have to get drunk before I address the jury."

A third employee, Claudia Foster, was accused of making children eat worms, smell each other's feet and pick each other's noses during Truth or Dare. Assistant State Attorney Rebecca Zima said she does not intend to prosecute Foster on those allegations. "We are going to make her eat some worms though."

Friday, July 22, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Ouch. Not a good week for the overlords. First there's this reminding them that if they had listened to their parents and stayed in school past the sixth grade they wouldn't be in the mess they're in now.

Then there's this which reminds them that they're essentially leeches, living off the sacrifice of the dogs.

Then, as if to add insult to injury, there's this in which a dying industry begins to eat its own.

All in all not the best time to be an overlord. Well, don't despair ladies and gentleman. As a public service and because we here at IM Central know you have a soft spot in your heart for careers that are exploitave, we offer the following link as a path to a whole new career for you. We know they're hiring.

Speaking of looking for work, this week's hound has had enough of that and now seeks home with couch. Meet JNB Heartache, aka Heather:

Heather is a very happy girl. She always has her tail wagging and ready to have some fun. She finds great joy in tossing toys up and playing with them. She is an outdoor sort of gal, she prefers to enjoy the weather outside in her yard and sniff out adventures in the flower beds or grass. Heather is bubbly and puppy – like. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Shut Up And Eat Your Peas. Mommy Has To Take Her Pills

OK we finally figured out what is wrong with us and, as we long suspected, it's all our parents fault for letting us eat dinner in peace. In fact, if we didn't want to eat our peas, we didn't have to and no one accused us of being on the pipe.

Insisting that children sit at the dinner table at least twice a week can reduce the risk of them abusing drugs." At dinner, you establish habits that make children listen even though they don't realize it," said James R. McDonough, director of Jeb Bush's Florida Office of Drug Control.

Hmmm...Establishing habits that make children listen without realizing it. Sounds vaguely evil.

"You don't realize how much wisdom you can impart over dinner," McDonough said. Right. We recall that it was at the dinner table that our father explained to us the difference between Pilsner and Lager.

"There is no doubt that children in Florida are moving farther and farther away from substance abuse," McDonough said. "Surveys show a consistent trend downward which I believe is due to the Governor's 'Grub For Guns' program that gives kids coupons to MacDonald's when they turn in their parents' firearms."

McDonough didn't have good news concerning abuse of prescription drugs, specifically painkillers like OxyContin and Methadone, anti-anxiety drugs like Xanax and Valium.

Is that because as children we see our parents taking prescription pills at dinner?

Methamphetamines, which can cause extreme damage to the brain, and are an "epidemic" in Florida. "People do horrific things on meth," McDonough said. That explains the Terri Schiavo incident.

McDonough served as an Army officer, including combat in Vietnam . "When I graduated from West Point drugs were rampant," he said. "In Vietnam, it was estimated that 50 percent used drugs in the ranks. The rest used drugs in the barracks."

The Army began strictly enforcing an anti-drug policy of ordering soldiers to eat dinner with their parents and, by the 1980s, had lowered its drug use statistics significantly, McDonough said. Unfortunately the program had to be discontinued because the cost of flying all those parents over to Iraq and Afghanistan was prohibitive."

"People want to rise to the standards. Children also, even though they're not people yet. You parents or business owners, don't be afraid to say, 'There will be no drugs in my home or business.' Hold those values up high and communicate them proudly to your children."

But get off the Valium first.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Hey. They Blow Up Walmart, We Blow Up Mecca

Surely these are complicated times. When extremism seems to be the watchword of the day it is encouraging to hear Prime Minister Tony Blair call for measured, deliberative thought and careful response to terrorist acts.

It would be easy to tar all Muslims with the same terrorist brush, the same way some have sought to tar all Christians with the label of extremist.

Luckily, there are thoughtful and deliberative men and women who try to avoid this absolutist, knee jerk, simplistic response to a very complicated and dangerous situation.

Unfortunately, Representative Tom Tancredo isn't one of those people.

Radio talk show host Pat Campbell asked Tancredo how the country should respond if terrorists struck several U.S. cities with nuclear weapons.

Now, before we get to the congressman's answer, we realize that is about as smart a question as asking what if Napoleon had B 52's at the battle of Waterloo. About the only thing that could be more stupid than asking the question is answering it. Mr. Tancredo?

"Well, if this happens in the United States, and we determine that it is the result of extremist, fundamentalist Muslims, you could take out their holy sites," Tancredo answered.

"You're talking about bombing Mecca," Campbell said.

"Yeah," Tancredo responded. "There and Dearborn, Michigan."

His spokesman stressed he was only speaking hypothetically. "When Tom said 'take out,' he didn't mean like, 'take out,'" said Will Adams, Tancredo's legislative aide. "He meant develop a measured response that punishes those responsible without making innocent and law abiding Muslims suffer."

The congressman later said he was "just throwing out some ideas. We could bomb their capitol cities, assassinate their leaders, outlaw Islam in America, you know, I'm just brainstorming here."

Adams said the congressman doesn't support threatening holy Islamic sites. When asked how else his comments could be interpreted Adams said he felt the comments had been taken out of context and he was sure Tancredo would be in favor of some sort of aide to help rebuild Islamic holy sites "after they quit glowing."

"We have an enemy with no uniform, no state, who is brown skinned and not Christian. How else would we go after someone like that?" Adams said. "They're willing to sacrifice everything in this world for the next one. That's a philosophy that flies in the face of everything we hold dear in America."

Mohammad Noorzai, coordinator of the Colorado Muslim Council and a native of Afghanistan said, "Well, what do you expect for a guy who lists as one of his major accomplishments that he "communicates with his constituents via the US Post Office."

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

See The Singing Christ Nailed To The Cross, Plus Free Balloons For The Kids!

Only in America could we have a national debate about burning the flag and desecrating one of our country's sacred secular symbols, while at the same time declaring that a Bible themed fun park is really a church and shouldn't be taxed.

Desecrate our most cherished national symbol? You're in deep do do mister. Have a musical version of the crucifixion of Christ? that's American ingenuity!

OK in all fairness we have to say the musical crucifixion is pretty well done. The period costumes reduce the movement of the chorus dancers a little, but Pilate has a wonderful voice.

"It is our sincere hope that you will see God and his word exalted, that you will be encouraged in your search for unique T shirts and the ultimate meaning of life," the Holy Land experience says on its web site. "And make sure to visit our gift shop where we're having a special on Peter and Paul bobble heads."

Despite its emphasis on entertainment, the Holy Land Experience argued that it should be classed along with churches and museums and be exempt from property taxes. "We got no roller coasters, or bumper cars," said the Reverend Clyde T. Dickers, park manager. "OK there is the Red Sea water slide, but that's something we did just to attract the kids."

After a long legal battle, Judge Cynthia MacKinnon agreed. In her ruling, the judge said that it had not been proved that the Holy Land Experience was using its profits for anything other than "improvements to Reverend Dickers' 'Christ On The Slopes' conference center in Aspen."

State Property Appraiser Bill Donegan is deciding whether to appeal the judge's decision, saying that the park is different to other churches. "None of those that I know charge $30 admission," he observed. "It's a business."

"We're not a business," Reverend Dickers said. "Commercializing religion would be a sin. And speaking of sin, it would be one not to take advantage of our family all day ticket."

The Holy Land Experience is partially funded by Zion's Hope Inc., a not-for-profit religious organization that cites its goal as converting Jews to Christianity. "Zion's Hope seeks to proclaim to the Jewish people their need for personal salvation through Jesus," the group's web site said.

"And if we can separate those tightwad hebes from a few of their greenbacks in the process, more for the glory of Jesus Christ," said Delbert Shaw, park entertainment coordinator.

Monday, July 18, 2005

I Am Not A Crook...My Staff On The Other Hand...

Uh oh. President Bush has found out that there may be criminals in his administration instead of sycophants, ideologues and amoral political operatives. Well, maybe not instead of, but along with.

Bush said that if anyone in his administration committed a crime in connection with the public leak of the identity of a CIA agent while, at the same time, parking illegally and coming to the White House without a dog biscuit for Miss Beazley, that person will "no longer work in my administration. We'll send them straight back to Halliburton, or maybe make them run for Congress from Colorado."

When asked if he was backing away from an earlier statement that anyone involved in the disclosure of the C.I.A. officer's identity would be dismissed, Mr. Bush indicated that following parking regulations and "snackifying" Miss Beazley were very important indications of character. "And this administration is all about character," the president said

"We have a serious ongoing investigation here and it's not about a democrat," Bush said at an East Room news conference. "It's best people wait until the investigation is complete before we attack the prosecutor." Bush said. "Personally I have instructed my staff to refrain from openly spreading innuendo and leak it instead."

Giving an account of his role in a case that nearly landed him in jail, Matt Cooper, the reporter, disclosed that the Vice President's top aide, Lewis "Scooter" Libby also was a source for a story about Plame.

"I found it hard to take someone named 'Scooter' seriously though, "Cooper said. "That's why I asked Rove."

The White House had insisted for nearly two years that neither Rove nor Libby had any connection with the leak. When asked to explain the apparent discrepancy, Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "We can't comment on an ongoing investigation. Well, not unless it's an investigation of Hillary, or something cool like that."

In an effort to quell the calls to fire Rove, Republican Party chairman Ken Mehlman said that Rove had first learned about Plame's identity from the news media. "See, Karl has a little problem with the weed. He doesn't remember telling Novak her name, and then when he wakes up the next day and it's in the paper he's all like 'Oh wow man, my bad.'"

Friday, July 15, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Recently we told you about overlord Jesse Burgess who packed a dog trailer twice as full as it should have been and set off on a merry 12 hour trip to Mexico through the desert southwest. When he got there he found that the dogs were in bad shape and eight had even died.

Burgess had been an overlord for twenty years so you can imagine his surprise when he realized the dogs had not weathered the trip well. "I just don't understand it," Burgess said. "The trailer was air conditioned and I took the turns really gently. Maybe I should have stopped once or twice and gave them water or something."

When the story hit the press...OK, because the story hit the press overlord central went all medieval on Burgess' buttocks fining him for this and banning him from that. "I wish these guys had told me there were rules before," said Burgess just before his job interview at Walmart.

After dispatching the "bad apple" the overlords' overlord announced that once again greyhound racing could return to the wholesome cleanliness of good family fun that it was. Oh, and you can gamble too.

Well, maybe not.

Animal Control worked late into the night to remove almost 100 greyhound dogs from a holding facility. Many of the rescuers had to wear protective gear due to the massive flea infestation of the dogs.

John Rippetoe, who owns the kennels where the dogs were seized said, "What a bunch of girlie men those Animal Control guys are. Afraid of a little flea. I go in there every day in just shorts and a shirt. Well, maybe not every day. Ok, I was there a couple of months ago and it wasn't so bad. Most of my bites healed right up. Come to think of it, I fill their water dishes with a fire hose from about thirty yards away now. Yeah, maybe we do have a small problem."

Now, astute readers of this blog (Big shout out to you Ma Mere) might begin to wonder why, when the overlords go on and on about how these dogs are investments, how they are pampered athletes, how they represent years of training and care, why it is that they are treated like yesterday's garbage.

Well, as almost anyone outside of the industry will tell you--and by outside of the industry we mean people who graduated from high school in less than six years--the answer is here and here for starters.

Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park decided to put some of its land to use by selling it to a company that wants to build a refuse transfer station on it. "We think it's quite appropriate to have a trash dump on our property said Gary Temple, Raynham Taunton Track Manager. "Plus it will make it easier to get rid of the dogs when they can't turn a buck anymore. Oops. Did I say that last part out loud?"

Wonderland Greyhound Track is shutting down the kennels as it battles a long slide in business. "Animal exploitation just isn't the draw it used to be," said a track official who asked not to be identified because "My friends all think I sell used cars. They'd lose respect for me if they found out I was in greyhound racing."

Eh...maybe you can get on at the trash dump. In the meantime, here's another hound who underwent the benevolent care of the overlords and survived. Meet Devie's Kodiak:

Kodiak is quiet and loving. He is a real love sponge. He likes to lean against you and will press his head right against your body for attention. When his foster mom sits with him on the floor, he will put a foot on her leg so he is touching her. He looks at his people with his big loving “doe” eyes that melt your heart. He loves to look at his reflection in the mirror. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Even Tom DeLay Won't Take His Calls

My my my. Sometimes they just write themselves. Nevada's chapter of the Young Republicans has basically imploded, leaving its chairman with up to $25,000 in personal debt amid allegations that he mishandled money. "I'm thinking of becoming an Evangelical Christian," said the chairman of the group, Nathan Taylor. "They can raise money so fast it makes your head swim."

Taylor plans to hold a press conference attacking three of the state's party leaders -- Sen. John Ensign, Rep. Jim Gibbons and Rep. Jon Porter.

"It's a really sad day when my congressmen and my senator, who are sitting on millions, can't cut me a check for $25,000," Taylor said. "I don't think I'm asking for much. I mean come on. These guys can spend that much on dinner."

"It's not like I should be responsible for the bills I ran up," said Taylor, a 29-year-old political science senior at UNR who said he had to quit his food service job and drop classes to plan the convention. "I mean the whole idea of politics is live large on someone else's dime, right?"

Quit his job in food service? Is that the Republican way of saying "would you like fries with that?"

Last spring, Kriston Whiteside, president of the UNR College Republicans filed a complaint with Reno police about Taylor, asking them to investigate where $25,000 in money meant to plan the national convention went. "He's 25K short, and there's 25K missing. Coincidence? I don't think so," said Whiteside.

The College Republicans later dropped the charges, citing a letter from the chairman of the Young Republican National Federation that gave Taylor authority to loot the convention, but within days, all but three members of the group resigned, saying they were convinced the convention would turn up short of money.

"We knew Ken Lay was Taylor's hero," Whiteside said, "But we just didn't think he could pull off the skimming and the convention too. Turns out we were right."

"Those guys imploded the Nevada Young Republican organization," Taylor said. "It was utterly destroyed. I'm trying my level best to pick up the pieces here, so by rights, the 25K should be mine for all my troubles."

Taylor also is facing a lawsuit from fellow Republican and former Las Vegas City Council candidate Steve Sanson, who says he gave Taylor $500 to help plan his campaign. Sanson has been in contact with producers from both Judge Judy and The People's Court about taking the case. "I'm just trying to avoid liberal activist judges," Sanson said at his American Idol tryout.

Taylor said the charges against him are all politically motivated. "I see liberals coming after Tom DeLay and Karl Rove so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they're coming after me."

Representatives of the Nevada congressional delegation remained mum on the press conference, with Jon Porter's campaign consultant Mike Slanker simply saying, "I wish him well in his future after politics."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Santorum Sanatorium...Potato Potahto

In the interests of full disclosure we have to admit that we don't pay very much attention to the senators from our own state, so when we notice the shenanigans of a senator from another state, you know there's got to be some class A weirdness going on.

And the class A weirdo we're talking about is Senator Rick Santorum (motto: Is That A Milk Bone In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me). First he writes a book that says all would be right with the world if women just quit expecting to be treated, and now he's blaming the Catholic Church sex scandal not on horny priests, but MIT and Harvard.

''I was just saying that there's an attitude that is very open to sexual freedom in Boston, Santorum said. Reminded that the sexual abuse occurred across the country, Santorum said that ''at the time [in 2002], there was an indication that there was more of a problem there. Look, I monitor the child porn chat rooms pretty closely--as a public service of course--that's all I'm saying."

''This is one of those people who claims to have had eye contact with a blind woman," said Representative Barney Frank, referring to Santorum's role in the Terri Schiavo matter.

"I was using the Vulcan mind meld," Santorum responded.

Santorum startled people in the past when he linked ''man on child" and ''man on dog" sex with homosexuality. Earlier this year, he apologized for comparing the Democrats to Adolf Hitler. "I meant to say they were homosexuals," Santorum explained. "And they like dogs."

Referring to his book, Santorum said its central theme is how fostering the traditional family headed by a married man and woman can solve many of society's ills. When asked what those "ills" were he said, "well, uppity women for one."

Many women, he adds, have told him that it is more "socially affirming to work outside the home. That's usually right before they flip me off. Who taught girls to do that?"

When asked why it was so important that women give up their careers and not men, Santorum responded, "I have enough masculinity issues dealing with men in the workplace. I don't need women showing me up too."

The senator faces a tough race for reelection next year. Pennsylvania state treasurer Robert P. Casey Jr., the expected Democratic candidate, has been ahead or even with Santorum in recent polls, although Casey hasn't begun actively campaigning.

When asked if he was concerned that a candidate who hasn't started campaigning yet was beating him in some polls, Santorum said is was probably due to the fact that women could vote.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

All Rove All Day...Well, Until A White Woman Goes Missing

Wow. Karl Rove isn't the upstanding honest public servant we all thought he was. There probably isn't a Santa Claus either. OK, we are being sarcastic rather than ironic as the title of this blog suggests, but sometimes the pressure gets to us, you know. It's not like we asked for this gig. You could have elected Gore, or even Kerry, but had to have Bush. Twice. See what you've done to us.

The White House is suddenly facing damaging evidence that it misled the public by insisting that presidential adviser Karl Rove wasn't involved in leaking the identity of a female CIA officer. "So what's your point, "said Press Secretary Scott McClellan at a recent White House briefing. "We've been misleading the public since 2000. You guys been in a coma or something?"

"Did Karl Rove commit a crime?" a reporter asked McClellan.

"What are you some big investigative reporter now," McClellan replied. "You think you're Bernstein and Woodward now? Oh look over there, I think a white woman has just gone missing."

McClellan gave the same answer when asked whether President Bush has confidence in Rove. "Hey guess what. Kerry didn't really earn his purple hearts. He got beat up in a bar by a bunch of gay guys. Better go report on that."

Rove's own denials have been narrowly worded: "I didn't know her name and didn't leak her name," Rove said last year. "I may have said Allervie Almpay, but I don't know if the reporter spoke pig latin."

Democratic consultant Paul Begala said the White House has a problem because "people are going to look at this crowd and say, Gee, we can't trust a thing they say after the WMD controversy.' " When informed of Begala's comment the president said, "Well, duh. He's a genius isn't he? Hey, did you hear there's a white woman missing in Vermont?"

Robert Luskin, Rove's lawyer, said his client did not disclose Plame's name. Luskin declined to say how Rove found out that Wilson's wife worked for the CIA. "And if you guys were really responsible reporters, you'd be looking in to what Michael Jackson's been up too since his acquittal, and not pestering my client."

"The White House promised if anyone was involved in the Valerie Plame affair, they would no longer be in this administration," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, "So just who is 25th in line for the presidency anyway?"

Monday, July 11, 2005

We're Winning...If You Don't Count That Bombing Stuff

We're not big fans of the president's weekly radio address. Well, actually we've never listened to the thing. Radio is so old school. The guy ought to be pod casting or something if he wants to reach the kids these days. And why not liven things up with a lead in, say R Kelly, or Snoop. That would energize those South Park Republicans for sure.

Anyway, this weekend we heard Bush talked about a progress report on the war on terror he's going to give today. "It'll be a pretty short speech," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The president wants to talk about his two strategies behind the war on terrorism. The first is a plan to fight the terrorists abroad, in places like London, Madrid, Bali, and so on, and the second is a strategy to bring stability and prosperity to the defense contractors"

"We will continue to deny the terrorists a safe haven and the support of rogue states," Bush said. "Well, 'deny' might be a strong word. Inconvenience maybe, or bother. Hassle is good. We're going to hassle the heck out of them. And did I say 'rogue states?' I meant our friends in Pakistan."

Some have questioned whether Bush's strategy to fight the terrorists abroad so "we do not have to face them at home" is working when terrorists are planting bombs on London's public transportation. "Look at a map, said McClellan. "Last time I checked, London was 'abroad.'"

Bush's homeland security adviser, Fran Townsend, defended the strategy. "The war in Iraq", she said, attracts terrorists there "where we have a fighting military and a coalition that can take them on and not have the sort of civilian casualties that you saw in London. Well, except when we do have the sort of civilian casualties that you saw in London. But hey. That means there are less terrorists in Iraq which means our troops are safer. It's a win win."

Friday, July 08, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Last week, regular readers (hi mom!) were treated to the story of the overlords who were to be taking over a greyhound racing track that had been a center of drug deals and illegal gambling. They were excited because all the work of bringing in the criminal element was already done for them and they could get right to the business of separating senior citizens from their social security.

Apparently they hadn't read this article, or more likely the case, they hadn't had someone read it to them.

While other forms of legalized gambling are enjoying a renaissance, the greyhound racing industry is fighting for survival. ''We're going through a rough time now,'' said Eric Wilson, president of the American Greyhound Track Operators Association. ''But just in case, I've signed up for correspondence courses in auto mechanics.''

''The days of just having live greyhound racing are outdated,'' said Plainfield greyhound track executive vice president Karen Keelan, "But most of the people in the sport have no skills so we're kind of stuck here."

She may have a point. Actually it's easier for the dogs to get out than the overlords because at least the dogs are likable and won't pee on the rug. Speaking of likable, meet this week's hound, Devie's Novascotia:

Devie's Novascotia is kind and gentle. She is on the shy side right now but seems to be very smart. She already knows how to sit on command. She likes to explore the yard and the house. She is quiet and seems to be dependant on the other greyhound in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Well, They Are Red States After All

We have to admit to being a bit miffed when we first read this article. Then we looked at it a little more closely and...well...have you ever traveled in the south?

Canadian workers are well-trained. That explanation was cited as a reason why Toyota turned its back on hundreds of millions of dollars in subsidies offered from several American states. "The level of the workforce is so high that the training program you need for people is minimal compared to what you have to go through in the southeastern United States," said Gerry Fedchun, president of the Automotive Parts Manufacturers' Association.

When asked if that were true of states in other regions of America, Fedchun replied that it wasn't, but people in the north and west often expected a "living wage and benefits and stuff, but the Bubbas will pretty much work for anything we want to give them."

He said Nissan and Honda have encountered difficulties getting new plants up to full production in recent years in Mississippi and Alabama due to an untrained - and often illiterate - workforce. In Alabama, trainers had to use "pictorials" to teach some workers how to use high-tech plant equipment. "And by 'high tech' I'm talking about the thermostat."

"The educational level and the skill level of the people down there is so much lower than it is in Canada," Fedchun said. "Heck, in one plant the infra red toilet flushers scared the workers and they would go out behind the plant to do their business."

"Yep, we ain't much into that book learnin' down here," said Bob Riley, Alabama Governor, who recently completed his GED. "And give me a good old fashioned outhouse over those new fangled commodes any day."

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Save America! Block The Nomination Of...Somebody

We've gotten kind of interested in the fight over the next Supreme Court Justice, mainly because there is no one to fight over. This way you can attack the other side directly without having to worry about whether the person you are fighting over has any, you know, positive attributes that might be cause for a, oh, we don't know, compromise? We think the president should just refuse to nominate someone because once he does, the people fighting will have to come up with reasons they are for or against that person. Takes all the fun out of whacking the other side.

Leave it to Bush though to screw up a perfectly good opportunity to let our democracy work. And by that we mean a steel cage smack down between James Dobson and Al Franken. Winner gets to refer to the loser as "Hitleresque" for six months without penalty in the press.

Yeah. Like most reporters could even spell "Hitleresque." Anyway, none of this is going to happen because it looks like the president has been thinking about his nominee.

Bush said on Wednesday he would not choose his Supreme Court candidate based on their position on specific issues such as abortion or gay marriage. "There will be no litmus test," he said, "Mainly because I don't know what the heck a 'litmus' is. Plus I never liked tests."

The White House said Fred Thompson, a former Republican senator from Tennessee and now a TV actor would shepherd the president's nominee through the Senate confirmation process. "Fred's real good at appearing sincere," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "We figure whoever the president nominates will need some help appearing to be sincere about law and justice and stuff. And besides, it worked with the Gonzalez nomination."

Bush called on activists of the left and right to lower the tone over whom he should pick. "Look, I never listened to you idiots on the left, and now that you've reelected me I don't need you wingnuts on the right either, so I'm going to do this myself. At least that's what Cheney told me."

At a joint news conference with Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, Bush also defended his attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, against criticism from conservatives that he is too moderate to fill the Supreme Court vacancy. "Hey. This is the guy who came up with the torture memos," Bush said. "He's about as moderate as Genghis Kahn."

"This is an opportunity for good public servants to exhibit a civil discourse on a very important matter, but I'm sure if we handle the situation correctly we can turn this into a giant hatefest," Bush said.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Well, People On The Coasts Don't Vote Republican That Much Anyway

Admittedly, our idea of a clean environment is putting the room service tray in the hallway after an expense account meal. It's not that we dislike our mother planet, it's just that all those bugs and stuff out there give us a bad case of the creepy crawlys.

Still, we're a little concerned that our government--or at least its present manifestation --seems even less environmentally aware than we are.

President Bush ruled out any accord on climate change that involves limiting carbon emissions as a threat to the U.S. economy. "You guys wouldn't believe how big the SUV vote is back home," he told the assembled delegates.

U.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair is asking governments to recognize the science of climate change and wants a plan to deal with the problem. "Heck, we don't even recognize plain old science, "said Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "Let alone science that cuts into profit margins."

"If people want to come together and share technologies and develop technologies and jointly spend money on research and development to help us diversify away from fossil fuels, I am more than willing to discuss it." Bush told reporters. "Not going to do anything about it, but I'll let people talk about it all they want."

"We know that the surface of the Earth is warmer, and that an increase in greenhouse gases caused by humans is contributing to the problem,'' a statement from Bush's office said Friday. "We just don't don't give a rip."

Michael Jay, Blair's representative at the weekend meeting, told journalists that the talks were "extremely difficult" and refused to rule out a statement on climate change that excludes the U.S. "It's hard to reason with people who believe the world is about to end," Jay said. "They're basic energy policy is 'We're all going to heaven soon anyway, so who cares?'"

Friday, July 01, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

We have to hand it to the overlords. Tracks are closing all around the country, the industry is in steep decline, but are they worried? Not a bit. In fact, they're so excited about the long term future of animal exploitation, they're even willing to buy a track that better known for drug deals than greyhound racing.

A member of the Lakes Region Gaming said a recent drug bust from which authorities learned that the ringleader was using the Lakes Region Greyhound Track to do business and was receiving loans from the track's owner has not dampened his plans to purchase the facility.

"We're still moving forward. We're still planning on acquiring it," said David Johnston of Lakes Region Gaming. "We want to create a family fun park where everyone can come and enjoy an afternoon of greyhound racing while getting high. And just so you know we're serious, we will be confiscating weapons."

Johnston said despite the issues that plague the facility, they should be able to start on a "totally clean slate" that things such as the drugs and illegal gambling that is alleged to have gone on there has "nothing to do with us. We plan to bring in our own group of drug dealers, con men, and gamblers. It's going to be a totally new group of criminals."

Looks like this week's hound got out just in time. Meet Close Combat:

Combat is easygoing, curious, and a collector – he takes things to his dog bed. He is very affectionate. He likes to give kisses to everyone. He also follows the foster family from room to room around the house. He likes to sleep with a stuffed elephant. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.