Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

We bring you this last installment of Friday Hound blogging for 2005 from the "That's Gotta Hurt" department here at IM Central. Recently we told you about George Carney, owner of Raynham Taunton greyhound track who said if he couldn't get his way on simulcasting he was going to stuff beans up his nose.

Would that be Northern or Chili Mr. Carney?

The Senate voted yesterday against a House amendment that would grant Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park unlimited simulcasting rights, opting instead to propose a 90-day extension of the current law. The House did not approve the proposed extension.

Owner, George Carney is prepared to watch simulcasting shut down if his request for expanded video feeds isn't granted. He could not be reached for comment after the vote. An assistant said he had gone into the bathroom and was going to "hold his breath until he passes out, or the legislature revotes."

In other news concerning the high level moral, legal and philosophical debate over greyhound racing, we bring you this story from England.

Police were called to the Abbey Moor stadium in Glastonbury on Tuesday after reports of attacks on an anti-racing campaigner. Gina Harris, spokeswoman for Avon & Somerset Greyhound Action, said she had been hit by a dog trainer and protest boards were thrown in a nearby river.

A spokesperson for the track later apologized explaining that workers at the track had forgotten that "customers don't read too well in the first place and probably wouldn't have understood the signs in the first place. They'll have to get a lot more basic if they want to get through to this lot," she said."

Looks like you got out just in time, huh Sniper?

For our last hound of the year, we bring you Windy City Sniper, pictured here as she rides to her first foster home after having been rescued. The coat was donated by her foster family as the dogs come off the track with nothing but a collar and any injuries they may have gotten in service to the overlords. As a public service we will keep you informed about Sniper's progress through her medical exam, fostering, and hopefully finding her forever home. Good luck girl. Things are looking up, can you tell by the look on her face? For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Meet The New Lie, Same As The Old Lie

Well, this is interesting. Just when everybody, including the press, (motto: What? He was lying?) have figured out that there were no WMD’s, no Hussein/bin Laden connection, no role for Iraq in the September 11 attacks, basically no reason to invade Iraq, along comes Move America Forward with an ad campaign that um…repurposes some of the initial…um…er…miscalculations…yeah, miscalculations that led to the war.

“We don’t think the president carried off the whole gotta invade Iraq campaign very well at all,” said Sal Russo, one of the group's three founders.. So we have repackaged the…er…truthoids. We’re calling it Operation Same O Same O and our slogan is ‘half-truths viewed twice become whole truths. “

“See, whenever the president would get caught in an lie…er…or as we like to call them a ‘W’s Mangled Distortions’ he would just totally abort and move on to the next ‘WMD. What we’re doing is putting all the WMD’s out there at once and hoping we can scare the bejebus out of people like it did the first time. We’re trying to get Secretary Rice to bring back that mushroom cloud line.”

When asked to explain why the group was launching their program now, Russo replied that it was “basic marketing. Look. We just got through the holidays, people are just getting over the war on Christmas, all the press has been about Republican scandals lately so we’re figuring most of the people have forgotten why we’re in Iraq.”

Russo explained that funding for the campaign would come from the grassroots. “We figure if there are people out there stupid enough to believe this stuff the second time around, there are people out there stupid enough to give us money.”

The White House didn't return several calls seeking comment. A Republican National Committee spokesman declined to comment. "Even we think these guys are whackos," said an RNC official who declined to be identified.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

If He Knew Then What He Knows Now, We'd Still Be In This Mess

Ah, the new year. Janus, the god with two faces, one looking back over the past year, and one looking forward to the next. Hence the new year’s resolution. The future shall be better than the past. Lose a little weight, go to church more often, give a little more to charity, win the war in Iraq and put a few more bucks in your rich friends’ pockets.

Expect the president to bring in 2006 the same way he ended the old: Trumpeting good economic news for rich people and talking, irrationally, about Iraq where excitement over a historic ballot has been tempered by the fact that nothing really has changed. “Trust me will be the slogan of the new year,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. “And if you don’t trust us we’ll know because we’re listening.

The war in Iraq and sluggish diplomatic efforts to deter the nuclear ambitions of Iran will continue to dominate foreign policy for the president, who plans a trip early in the new year to India. When asked why the president was going to India if the issues revolved around Iran, McClellan responded that the president “often becomes confused” when different countries begin with the same letter. “For the first six months of the war he thought we had invaded Uzbekistan,” he explained. When it was pointed out the Uzbekistan actually begins with a U, McClellan responded, “It’s that spelling thing again.”

“When the president puts out a legislative and executive agenda, we'll make sure we reflect the fact that it's difficult for Congress to get anything done in an election year," said Dan Bartlett, counselor to the president. “Well, actually it’s hard for them to get anything done any time what with the Republicans always having to be in court and the Democrats hiding under their desks whenever Cheney is in town.”

Bartlett said that doesn't mean the president won't introduce fresh initiatives, which typically are tucked in the State of the Union address, tentatively scheduled this year for January 31. “That whole ‘Go To Mars’ thing didn’t work out too well for us,” he said, “So the president is thinking of something a little closer to home, like asking Americans to sponsor an Iraqi politician. It worked for Sally Struthers.”

Right after he was re-elected, Bush proudly claimed a mandate to pursue an aggressive agenda. "I earned capital in the campaign — political capital — and now I intend to spend it. It is my style," he said. Unfortunately most of that capital was used up by the twin’s graduation party and the court costs afterwards.

Bartlett said Bush's biggest disappointments of the year were the withdrawal of Harriet Miers, his second pick for the Supreme Court, and the impotent federal response to Hurricane Katrina, which highlighted his leadership profile. “In his defense, “Bartlett said, “He appointed Miers when he was high and he really didn’t know there were that many black people in New Orleans, so when he was told most of the white people got out he went back to the golf course.”

"It's been the least successful year of a pretty pathetic presidency," said Georgetown University political scientist Stephen Wayne. “On the bright side, at least there’s no casual sex going on in the White House.”

Monday, December 26, 2005

Jus' Frontin' Fo' Massa

We are a little confused by former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Here he was, a decorated soldier, one of the heroes of the first Gulf War, and potential presidential candidate. Then he went to work for George Bush. We all know how that went. So we wonder why, after all he has finally escaped the from the current administration he would say this..
Now, a lesser blog would make references to brand of cookie, or a particular uncle, but we refrain and mention only that he appears to have graduated from the Clarance Thomas School of Gentlemanly Deportment.

Former secretary of state Colin Powell has defended the US administration arguing there was "nothing wrong" with President Bush not seeking warrants before engaging in domestic spying. "Of course I'm also the one who saw nothing wrong with going before the UN with trumped up charges and flawed intelligence to try and convince them to join us in the Iraq invasion, so I'm probably not the best person to ask."

"The president made a determination that he had sufficient authority from the Congress to do this in the way that he did it," Powell said. "What the heck, if he had to get warrants he would have just made stuff up anyway, like we did with Iraq."

The Congress will have to make a judgment as to whether or not they think the president was using the law correctly or not. And we all know what a bunch of wusses they are. Once Dick 'explains' the situation to them, they'll be get back to debating what the national dinosaur shoud be, like they're supposed to."

Asked if such spying should continue, Powell said: "Yes, of course it should continue. If obey the laws, the terrorists win."

Similar revelations about domestic spying led to legislation in the 1970s that allows for wiretapping but requires government agencies to obtain a warrant from a special court. Though Powell said he was not aware of the current operations, but "my own judgment is that it didn't seem to me, anyway, that it would have been that hard to go get the warrants. But the president doesn't like to write things down you know. There's all that spelling and grammar. Not his strong suite."

US media also reported that the government runs a secret program to monitor homes, workplaces and mosques of Muslims in six US cities for signs of possible nuclear radiation. "Well, somebody has to have the weapons of mass destruction," Powell said. "Timothy McVeigh is dead so that leaves only the Muslims who hate us."

Bush and his top aides have stressed that the order for eavesdropping was limited to those suspected of ties to Al-Qaeda. But the latest reports about vetting vast amounts of data indicate the spying is more far-reaching. "Look, with the president's poll numbers in the toilet, we know there are a lot of people out there who don't have much good to say about him. We just need to know who those people are, that's all." Powell explained. "Nothing to worry about."

Friday, December 23, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

What is it about Kansas? Crooked overlords? That's no big surprise, but the whole Adam and Eve Riding dinosaurs thing and the campaign to export stupidity seem, well, a little over the top. Now alert reader James brings this to our attention.

When is a dog not a dog? When it's a greyhound in Kansas. It may sound like a punchline to a joke, but it's true. Two years after the parimutuel racing act was passed in Kansas, the law protecting pets in the state was changed to exclude greyhounds from the designation of dog.

"A greyhound ought to be a dog in the state of Kansas," said Kevin Neuman, of Overland Park. The National Greyhound Association based in Abilene, Kan., disagrees. The executive director called the change unnecessary and said greyhounds aren't bred for pets, and therefore, shouldn't fall under pet protection laws. "Look. Would you want a law saying you had to take better care of your toaster?" The director said. "Well, that how we feel about the"

"More dogs are bred and more dogs are put at risk," Kevin Neuman said. Breeding organizations dispute that claim, saying kennels are closely regulated by the NGA and the Kansas Greyhound Registry. When asked to explain "closely regulated" the director replied that the association "has a guy, I can't think of his name right now, who, like, shows up at the farms, and you know, regulates them, so they're umm...regulated."

You ever feel regulated Mr. Lil' Fox?

Fox is a big, happy-go-lucky, easygoing, quiet, reserved, mellow, boy. His tail wags all the time in circles. He likes to be petted and likes to follow his foster family around the house. He appears to have collected all the doggie toys in the house. He likes to move toys around the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Hounds Home For The Holidays (Son Of)

What better time for a little good news that during this festive holiday season when we put aside or differences and join with childlike innocence and joy in a rousing chorus of "Festivus Pole, Oh Festivus Pole, How thy plating so shiny."

OK, maybe not, but still there is joy in Muddville because the forces of goodness and light have had their signatures validated.

"This is a key victory for the supporters of this humane law," said Tom Adams, director of communications for the Animal Rescue League of Boston. "Voters recognize that dogs deserve to be protected from individuals and industries that would do them harm."

But George Carney, owner of Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, one of the state's two dog racing tracks, said he would fight to keep the act off the ballot and, failing that, would launch a public relations campaign to see the question defeated.
Attempts to reach Carney were not immediately successful Tuesday afternoon as he had once again gotten lost on the way home from work and was thought to be somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Gee. Be a real shame if he doesn't make it back in time to vote, right Calamity?

Calamity a.k.a. Daisy Mae is friendly, outgoing, calm, and easygoing. She is affectionate she will use her nose to nudge you for attention and will put her head in your lap. She likes to play with toys and does not mind being in the middle of a lot of action. Her foster mom says she incites the “riots of play” in her foster home. She likes to race around the senior grey in the yard while he is lying down – she will run in circles around him and nudge him trying to get him to play. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hounds Home For The Holidays Redux

Well, as promised, we are going to take a few days off casting our bleary eyes over the cultural landscape and see if we can get a few more hounds and couches together before the holiday icon formerly known as Santa makes his appointed rounds.

And it turns out that may be a good thing too, as our post yesterday, while incredably ironicus at its most maximus, appears to have been the the result of a reporter's fevered imagination and access to a word processing program. What you say? Articles in the paper can't be trusted to have any connection to reality? Even ones that aren't written by Judith Miller? We didn't know there was a school of journalism in Margaritaville.

Well, having a loose conncection to reality is a state we here at IM Central visit often, occasionally returning with the T shirt, so we'll allow this temporary lapse in our keen eye for the absurd to fade into blogosphere oblivion and get on to more pressing matters. Speaking, of tenuous connections to space time as we know it, let's drop in on the overlords.
It seems there is a bit of infighting going on as they struggle over the last few social security recipients left in the industry. Four Massachuetts tracks--Suffolk Downs (Thoroughbred), Plainridge Racecourse (Standardbred), and Raynham-Taunton and Wonderland (Greyhound) are operating under a five-year agreement that's set to expire. Raynham-Taunton is seeking unlimited simulcasts, something to which the other tracks object. Raynham-Taunton owner George Carney left a legislative summit after he failed to reach agreement with the other tracks. If a compromise isn't reached, no track will be permitted to offer simulcasts.

"Look. They give me what I want or I'm taking my part time low wage no benefit jobs and going to someplace that appreciates me," Carney said. "Someplace like Bangladesh. greyhound or horse racing left in the state because owners can't decide how to divvy up the fixed income crowd.

Oh. Boo. Hoo.

Right Hallo Rooster?

Hallo’s foster mom says he is like a gawky teenager. He is very playful, and loves attention. He is sweet, endearing, goofy, funny, and innocent. He will approach and will touch his cold nose to his foster mom’s legs for attention. He is a “collector” and likes to collect miscellaneous items around the house and take them to his crate. He is generally mellow in the house, but gets really excited when it is time for a walk. He loves to spend time outside and play in the snow. He loves to look at his reflection in a mirror/window. He is smart and learns quickly. He has a favorite squeaky toy that he carries everywhere. Loves to be petted under his chin and chest. His tail is so long and he always wagging that he whacks the walls when he walks and often knocks things off the end tables. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE RECENTLY FALLEN DOWN STAIRS AND HIT YOUR HEADS: Greyhound make 'greyt' pets, but lousy gifts. If you're thinking about giving someone a greyhound as a gift go here.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sorry Professor, Homeland Security Ate My Homework

Who knew doing homework could get you on the suspected terrorists list? Apparently not this senior at UMass Dartmouth who was visited by the Men in Black after he did research for a paper in his history class.

The student, who was completing a research paper on Communism for Professor Pontbriand's class on fascism, totalitarianism and the Neoconservative Golden Age, filled out an inter library loan form for a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's "The Little Red Book." He was later visited by two agents of the Department of Homeland Security.

"They posed as delivery people from the local Chinese restaurant, but once in the house started asking him questions about his 'buddy Mao,'" said Pontbriand.

The professor said the student was told by the agents that the book is on a "watch list," and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate further. "I went to Canada. Twice," the student said.

"I tell my students to go to the direct source, and so he asked for the official Peking version of the book," Professor Pontbriand said. "That's what triggered the visit, as I understand it."

"Well, that and the fact that the requester was a student at one of those fancy pants eastern liberal colleges," said a spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department who asked not to be named. "You wouldn't find any real Americans asking for a book like that at the University of Alabama," he added. "Do they have a University in Alabama?"

The student told Professor Pontbriand and co-instructor Dr. Williams that the Homeland Security agents told him the book was on an "evil doers list." They brought the book with them, waved it in front of him while chanting "nyah, nyah, nyah, you ain't reading this," then left, the Williams said.

"One of the agents asked why I had to read books like that," the student said. "He said I should be reading good American books by people like Ann Coulter, or Bill O'Reilly."

Dr. Williams said in his research, he regularly contacts people in Afghanistan, Chechnya and other Muslim hot spots, and suspects that some of his calls are monitored. When asked what caused him to come to the conclusion his calls were being monitored, he pointed to the large black van in his driveway. "Been there all year," he said.

Dr. Williams said he had been planning to offer a course on terrorism next semester, but is reconsidering, because it might put his students at risk. "I shudder to think of all the students I've had monitoring al-Qaeda Web sites, what the government must think of that," he said.

"So that's why we've got so many Gitmo detainees from UMass Dartmouth," said a spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department. "I didn't think those kids looked Middle Eastern."

Monday, December 19, 2005

Excuse Me Father For I Have Sinned. I Committed Six Mental Reservations. Oh Wait. They Don't Count

Why is it that all the best parts of religion are kept secret? No, we're not talking about Mormon underwear. Can you imagine how helpful this would have been in high school?

The Catholic Church teaches it is a sin to lie, but the doctrine of mental reservation allows for circumstances when it may be better to avoid the truth to serve a higher purpose.

Yeah, like staying out of jail. Do you think Tom DeLay and Scooter Libby wish they were Catholics right about now?

And the beauty part is, even being under oath doesn't count. This is so much better than crossing fingers--and less obtrusive in a court room as well.

Kelly Clark, an attorney for several church sex scandal victims, said questions could put San Francisco Archbishop Levada in the position of balancing his answers between the requirements of federal law and his moral obligations under church doctrine.

"If he gets a choice to decide what covers his butt best we're not going to get anywhere," Clark said. "At that point he might as well be Jack Abramoff."

Vatican attorney Jeffrey Lena said the archbishop's civil oath should be sufficient to ensure honest answers. "It's not necessary to inquire whether there is a personal philosophy that causes him to lie," Lena said. "We can just rely on the oath to tell the truth."

A personal philosophy that causes us to lie. Now that's what we're talking about. Get Mehlman on the phone.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, on the surface this may seem a little strange, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Therese Backowski, a dog obedience instructor, is part of the Cell Dog program, run by a group that hopes to bring greyhounds to every prison in Ohio. "We figure a lot of the people from the industry are going to be in prison, if they aren't already, so there is a built in expertise for caring for the dogs," Backowski said.

''About 12 years ago, kennel operators and owners were killing about 50,000 dogs a year,'' said Beverly Sebastian, executive director of the National Greyhound Foundation. ''Since then, rescue efforts have cut that in half. But our biggest problem is where to put these dogs until they're adopted. We probably have 5,000 dogs available for adoption nationally.''

Before they can be adopted, the dogs must learn how to behave in private homes. Backowski began teaching dog obedience techniques to inmates at Mansfield Correctional Institution five years ago, where she said she now instructs 80 inmates. She said she does this for two reasons: to help people and to help dogs. "The dogs actually inspire the inmates," she said. "They prove to them that, even though you may start your life a minion of the man, there is always hope you can break free and start a new life."

Inmate Ernest Bennett's first dog is May, short for her racing name, Glory Mabry. She came to the Lorain Correctional Institution in September, from Council Bluffs, Iowa, where she raced at the Bluffs Run dog track.

"I was mostly living life on the streets before I went to prison,'' said Bennett. "So I know what it's like to have nothing to look forward to and always to be afraid. Sort of like what her life must have been like at the track. Now we both have something to look forward to."

Ah, nothing like an uplifting story for the holiday season, wouldn't you agree Donna?

DonnaStar has a very sweet & loving personality. She loves to play with and carry toys to lie down with. She is very friendly and outgoing. She approaches all the family members for a nuzzle, a hug, some pets and a kiss on the head. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

In College My Nickname Was "Faulty Intelligence"

Shorter President Bush: Look, I screwed up getting us in the war, but it's good we're still fighting it, because if we weren't we'd have to deal with that blasted Clinton budget surplus...I mean Saddam.

Rebuffing Democratic calls for a shake-up over Iraq war strategy and speculation about rifts within the White House, Bush said he had no intention of removing Rumsfeld as defense secretary. "Brownie's doing a heck of a job," the president said. "I mean Rummy."

Rumsfeld and vice president Cheney have been frequently accused by critics of pushing the war on false pretenses. "There's a big difference between being liars and idiots," the president explained. "I'll let the American people decide which they are."

Bush said he remained "very close" to Rove, who could face charges in the criminal investigation into the leak of CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity. "We're still as close as we've ever been, in a manly way of course," Bush said of Rove. "We've been through a lot. You know, when we look back at the presidency, no question that Karl had a lot to do with me getting here. Well, that and his friendship with Satan."

Bush also said he hoped indicted Texas Republican Representative Tom DeLay would regain his post as House of Representatives majority leader. "Sure he's a crook, but he's got a good heart," Bush said. "And the guy can raise money like nobody's business."

Bush said he hoped the powerful Texas Republican would return to being majority leader "'cause I like him, and I'm a great judge of character, you know? Plus, when he's over there, we get our votes through the House. By any means necessary, if you get my drift."

Bush said of Rumsfeld, "He's conducted two failed wars and at the same time has helped transform our military from a military that was constructed for, you know, victory, to one that couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag if one end was open."

Bush acknowledged there was "massive speculation" about his relationship with Cheney -- "whether I like him or don't like him. Let me tell you, you don't not like Cheney. Not if you value your health, that's all I'm saying."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Matthew 25:40? Yeah. We Have Some Problems With That

We seem to remember, dimly, back in the foggy past, a catechism class and something about doing for the least of us is the same as lending JC a few bucks to get him to payday. Or something like that.

So we have to admit to a smidge of mystification at finding out that God's posse is not among hundreds of religious activists trying to get arrested to protest cutting programs for the poor.

"It's not a question of the poor not being important or that meeting their needs is not important," said Paul Hetrick, a spokesman for Focus on the Family, James Dobson's influential, Christian organization. "It's just that, since they're poor, they can't donate much money. Just business. Nothing personal."

Acting House Majority Leader Roy Blunt said yesterday that the activists' position is not "intellectually right. Morally right, sure. Fair? Just? Proper? Ok. I'll give you that, but what's that got to do with getting me reelected?"

Janice Crouse, a senior fellow at the Christian group Concerned Women for America, said religious conservatives "know that the government is not really capable of love. Of course the government is capable of feeding hungry children and providing shelter for homeless families, but they're not capable of love, that's all I'm saying."

"There is a [biblical] mandate to take care of the poor. There is no dispute of that fact," Tony Perkins, president of the conservative Family Research Council, said. "But it does not say government should do it. That's a shifting of responsibility." When reminded that in a democratic society the government represents the will of the people, Perkins responded that the Bible "makes no mention of democracy."

The Family Research Council is involved in efforts to stop the bloodshed in the Darfur region of Sudan as well as sex trafficking and slavery abroad. But Perkins said those issues are far different from the budget cuts now under protest. "The difference there is enforcing laws to keep people from being enslaved, to be sold as sex slaves," he said. "We're talking here about massive welfare programs that will let people escape from economic slavery without turning to prostitution...wait."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Somewhere Jesus Is Weeping

You have to wonder about the Christians. When they're not under attack by the forces of darkness and commercialism...oh wait...commercialism is OK. When they're not under attack by the forces Bill O'Reilly says they're under attack by, they turn on each other.

When Alabama State Representative Ken Guin saw “The Bible and Its Influence,” he thought he’d found a textbook that should be used in Alabama high schools. "I knew right away it was a lot more important than one of them algebra books."

Some Alabama high schools already offer Bible classes based on a curriculum by the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools in Greensboro, N.C. Its executive director, Elizabeth Ridenour, promised to fight Guin’s legislation to require "The Bible and Its Influence" in Alabama schools. "Our Bible's way better than his Bible," Ridenour said.

"Nuh uh," Guin replied. "Mine left in all the dirty parts."

"Oh yeah?" Bet you don't have the lesbos."

"Oh, we got the lesbos, bet you don't have the poop eating!"

"Poop eating? There's no poop eating in the Bible."

"Nuh huh. Ezekiel 4: 12-13. Check it out."

A similar battle rages in Odessa, Texas, where Robert Hand, who heads a committee picking a new Bible curriculum, said he was pressured by advocates of both Bible groups.

He wanted a book that would meet constitutional requirements of separation of church and state and be acceptable to biblical scholars and educators.

"That's us, that's us," stated Ridenour.

"No freaking way," replied Guin. "I know you don't have the story of the ejaculation of death."

Ridenour dismissed the contributors and reviewers of the Guin's text as “liberal university scholars” and contends it uses “the Marxist process called the dialectic” to undercut the Bible. "So what if we don't have the poop eating," she said, "We got Isaiah's fart harp."

“Our teachers are very concerned that they are able to teach this course without proselytizing,” Hand said. “The burden falls on the teachers to craft a course that is interesting to the students.”

When made aware of the Bible controversy, an Odessa High School Junior said, "Boobs in the Bible? Sign me up!"

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Guy's Got To Do What He Does Best

Imagine our relief when we returned from a weekend of...well...nevermind, and find that all of our worries about the future of our country have been put to rest by this.

President Bush is returning to his conservative agenda after being distracted from his message the past few months by hurricanes, an anti-war mother and a failed Supreme Court nomination.

Whew! Got that "distraction" of a hurricane out of the way, now we can get back to business. Umm...what is that business anyway?

"What you will see more of next year is the president going back to what he does best -- pretending we're winning the war and getting tax cuts for rich folks," White House deputy press secretary Trent Duffy said.

The White House went on the offensive on Iraq, rebuking a Democratic congressman for suggesting that U.S. forces be withdrawn from Iraq immediately. "We showed him," Duffy said. And we will continue to attack the character of anyone who speaks against our policies, because it's easier than defending them."

Mr. Bush made an unscheduled statement in the White House Rose Garden about positive economic news, which included strong job gains and falling gasoline prices. "We figure to talk our way around to victory on the home front the same as we have in Iraq," said White House Press Secretary Scott McCllelan. "We're winning there you know," he added. "It's just that reporters never get out of the green zone to report on the good things happening in the country."

The president delivered the second of four scheduled speeches to detail the White House strategy for victory in Iraq, citing specific progress. "Less people are dying in Iraq today than the last time there were more people dying." the president said.

The strategy appears to have paid off. A New York Times-CBS News poll conducted Dec. 2-6 showed the president's approval rating at 40 percent, up from 35 percent in October. "It's true the question was, 'whom do you favor more, President Bush, or brain eating zombies,' but we're taking it as a positive sign," said Duffy.

Gary Bauer, president of the Republican front group Americans Values, said Mr. Bush's approval ratings rose "because he's put victory back on the table in Iraq. Now, if we can just keep the insurgents from blowing up the table we'll be OK."

"He has nothing to fear from the anti-war movement," Mr. Bauer said. "Well, except for the fact that they're right, but when has that ever mattered in this administration?"

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, a pretty low key week on the planet of the overlords. Closed tracks are still closed. Jailed overlords are still jailed and the movement to end greyhound racing in Massachusetts took another step forward. As you might imagine, this has caused overlord apoplexy.

Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney has vowed to fight the ban in court. When it was explained to him that the ban had not, in fact, taken effect but was merely going to be put on the ballot for a vote, Carney responded "voting is about what most people want. That's not how America works."

"The dogs are taken care of and well looked after," Carney insisted, his nose visibly lengthening. "This is a phony issue, and they've been able to promote it and raise a lot of money from a lot of suckers." And aide later explained that Carney meant to call people "suckers only in the best sense of the word."

Carney scoffs at the claim that racing greyhounds are mistreated. When presented with evidence he put his hands over his ears and shouted "LA LA LA LA LA, I can't hear you."

Ah, the overlords take the high road in the debate. That surprise you Eve?

Eve is a little goofy and playful. She is friendly and outgoing. She jumps around and pounces in a play stance for attention and love. She will also nuzzle in when the other dogs are getting attention. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I'm The Commander In Chief. Hey, Come Back Here

Ok, so we admit we were always at the tail end of the draft when it came to choosing up sides for a pickup game back in the day. And yes, those experiences hung with us, leading to inappropriate fashion choices, an inordinate affection for Science Fiction and a lack of awareness of the non-verbal messages we were sending by fixing our eye glasses with tape.

About the only thing that kept us coming out of the house in those years was the fact that even though we got picked late, we still beat Henry Botando, who, on top of all his other faults, had curly red hair.

We tell you this by way of providing some context to why we think we are about to invade Syria, or Iran, or Fiji, or Venezuela, or any dang place where we can kick some butt.

It's about yesterday when the president came before the Council on Foreign Relations to give a talk about our successes in Iraq. Both of them.

President Bush acknowledged that the multibillion-dollar reconstruction of Iraq has "been uneven" and hobbled by corruption, misplaced priorities and insurgent attacks. "But that aside, we've almost restored the power to Baghdad. Just give us another year or so."

"By learning from its mistakes," Bush said,
"the administration has...wait. We made mistakes? Why hasn't Dick told me about this?"

After sticking mainly to friendly military settings Bush chose a more skeptical audience in addressing the Council on Foreign Relations, a nonpartisan organization of diplomats, academics and journalists. "Don't worry, "said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The aide who set that up has already been fired."

Only a few hundred members showed up for the speech and empty chairs were removed from the back of the room before Bush arrived. "The president is beginning to get the idea that Iraq isn't going well, but he still thinks he's popular," said an aide who asked not to be named. "We were afraid the empty chairs and having to admit to problems in Iraq might be too much for him."

The audience interrupted Bush for applause only once during the speech and even then, many, if not most, did not clap. There was polite applause when he finished. "Yeah. We had to threaten some of those guys with a visit from the Vice President," said the aide.

Without ever using the words "mistake" or "error," Bush said the administration miscalculated by clearing insurgents out of a city and then moving onto another assignment, only to allow enemy forces to retake control. "We told them we were liberators," the president said. "They told us if we'd let them back in they'd organize a parade. In retrospect we determined they weren't telling the truth."

"That kind of proximity to reality will cause his bubble to burst," said Richard N. Haass, a former Bush State Department official. "Somebody will pay for this."

And hence, operation Restore Manliness. Are you listening, Bashar al-Assad?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Signpost On The March Of Democracy

If you'll excuse us for a moment we need to sit down. The room is spinning about and it has nothing to do with the flight of the Grey Goose. We just read this and have apparently become (temporarily we hope) disconnected from this space time continuum.

Secretary of State Condolezza Rice sought Wednesday to clarify U.S. policy on harsh interrogation methods, saying no U.S. personnel may use cruel or degrading practices at home or abroad.


The Bush administration has said the ban on cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment did not apply to Americans working overseas.


Asked if Rice had stated a new U.S. policy for the treatment of detainees abroad, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "It's existing policy." dizzy...

House and Senate negotiators are expected to include a ban on cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of foreign terrorism suspects in a final defense bill. The White House has threatened to veto any bill containing such a ban.


Separately, Rice delivered a rebuke to Russian President Vladimir Putin over a new law she said infringes on democracy. "Democracy is built, of course, on elections, it's built on principle, it's built on rule of law and freedom of speech," she said.


Rice's motorcade entered the Ukrainian capital Tuesday along the route where demonstrators set up a tent city last year and eventually helped force aside a Russian-allied presidential candidate. The United States played an important role in condemning a fraud-marred presidential vote and calling for a revote.


Monday, December 05, 2005

"Charity Encourages Idleness And The Poor Should Be Left To Die." E. Scrooge

While channel surfing this past weekend we had the misfortune to run across Bill O'Reilly (Motto: You must listen to the voices in my head). Before we could click away to the DIY channel for the special on grout we heard this: "Left-wing smear websites to go after anybody who stands up for Christmas."

Bill. Calm down. Take the red pill. If you're worried about Christmas being in trouble look no further than your own Congress.

Republican leaders in Congress are hoping to cut spending on student loans, Medicaid and other programs that don't support rich people before Christmas, though they may delay extending tax cuts for the wealthy until next year. "We figured what better time of year to cut off the poor, old and students than this," said House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert.

"We wanted to give our corporate overlords their tax break too," Added Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, "But they requested we wait until the next tax year so they would have more time to shelter the extra income."

Staff aides and lobbyists are excited about the prospects of finishing work on spending cuts of up to $50 billion. "If you're poor, or better, poor and old you've ridden the government gravy train long enough," said a staffer who asked not to be identified.

Senator Rick Santorum said he was "deeply committed to restraining spending on programs that unnecessarily prolong the health of those too sick or old to work. And that includes the handouts we've been giving to veterans too."

The centerpiece of the budget cut bill, is an attempt to strangle Medicaid and other benefit programs. "How long must we subsidize the health and well being of those too old or too poor to do it for themselves," Hastert said. "Those are not the values on which this country was founded."

As negotiations continue between the House and Senate on the spending cuts, House GOP leaders will press ahead to garner support for a bill to preserve the tax cuts favored by president Bush which are set to expire unless lawmakers extend them. "This is a potential national disaster," said indicted former majority whip Tom DeLay. "If we pull back the tax cuts we've given to the rich folks who put us in office, well, that's just not an America I want to live in."

Last month, the leaders put off an attempt to pass the tax bill because of resistance from lawmakers who were reluctant to vote for the cuts so quickly after approving reduced spending for Medicaid, food stamps and other programs aimed at the poor. "Yeah, we tried to move a little too quickly there, "said Senator Frist. "Who knew there were still some in congress with a shred of decency left?"

Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

The mark of any good business is diversification. You don't want all of your eggs in the same basket like say...oh...GM (motto: Buy our cars dammit). Even the overlords have figured out that if people with more than a third grade education can't be exploited by dog exploitation, they might be exploited by something else, like slots, or three card monty. But truly enterprising overlords have developed their own alternative income stream by selling drugs.

It worked so well in theory. High markup, low overhead, solid customer base. What could go wrong? Oh, that.

The New Hampshire-based ringleader of a major drug trafficking operation has pleaded guilty to charges he conspired to sell oxycodone and to launder money. Randall Noe faces up to 20 years in prison.

Noe and the other defendants laundered their money by gambling at the former Lakes Region Greyhound Park. "Well, the track people were our best customers," Noe told authorities. "It only made sense to clean the money there. Where else would paying for everything with one dollar bills not draw suspicion?"

True. If only he hadn't bought the new Mercedes with one dollar bills, right Jane?

Jane is gentle, confident, curious, friendly, and loving. She likes to give kisses. She is affectionate and likes to be the foster mom’s shadow. She plays with toys and likes to collect them. She likes to eat the stuffing if not monitored. She acts like “silly girl” and will roll on her back for attention. She likes to lay next the other grey and will inch over until she is touching her. She likes to look at the greyhound calendar in the home and wonders why the dog in the picture does not move. She likes to lean against you. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Will You Listen To Me? You're Losing And I'm Not Going To Tell You Again

Apparently the insurgents didn't catch the president's speech yesterday explaining why they were going to lose. Nor did they listen to his strategy for victory. And they obviously weren't paying attention when he announced the mission was accomplished.

Hundreds of gunmen attacked a US base in Ramadi, west of Baghdad, taking control of the town centre for some 45 minutes.

"At 9:30 am, a rocket-propelled grenade was fired at a joint US-Iraqi observation post," said US marines spokesman Captain Jeffrey Pool. "As of 2 pm there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city," he added.

US officers played down the scale of the assault. When asked what happened between 9:30 am and 2:00 pm, he replied, "Oh some stuff, you know. They drove around, shot up some buildings. Took over part of the city. No biggie."

US spokesman accused the insurgents of playing up the attack. "This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become," he said. "They attack us in broad daylight in the middle of a city instead of...umm...wait."

Residents reached by telephone said U.S. forces warned townspeople by loudspeakers to stay in their homes for the next three days. When asked why residents have been confined to their homes if the attacks are so minor, the spokesperson replied that it had nothing to do with the attacks. "We've got a big Christmas surprise for them and we don't want anyone getting an early look," explained a Marine Captain who did not want to be named.

The offensive came as president Bush said he hopes to shift more of the military burden onto the Iraqis as part of a strategy to draw down American forces. About 500 Iraqi troops joined 2,000 U.S. Marines, soldiers and sailors in a move to clear insurgents from an area on the eastern side of the Euphrates River.

When asked why four American military people were needed for every one Iraqi if balance was being shifted, Press Secretary Scott McClellan replied that the Iraqis were "sort of fat" and counted for more than one American. "It's really more like two to one," McClellan said. "If you count total poundage."

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

One Picture Is Worth A Thousand Victory Strategies

President Bush, left, waves as he departs the White House while Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, right, misses the ladder and walks into the side of the helicopter. Again.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

If You're A 'Guest' Worker Do You Still Have To Be Paid?

You have to feel sorry for president Bush. We mean after all, God told him if he'd just sober up he could become president and bring we mean democracy to the heathens...umm... downtrodden and oppressed.

So he held up his end of the bargain, sort of, and look what it got him. The number of things he can talk about in public without wearing his radio receiver has dwindled to Barney and immigration.

"Illegal immigration is a serious challenge and our responsibility is clear: We are going to protect the border," Bush said. "I have instructed Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to draw up a plan for the invasion of Mexico. Or is it Syria? I don't remember. All those brown people countries look alike to me."

After spending nearly a week at his ranch in Crawford dodging Cindy Sheehan, Bush went on the road to pitch his immigration plan. "Illegal immigrants may carry the WMD's that we didn't find in Iraq, "Bush told reporters. "How many nuclear devices are we going to allow to be buried in the gardens of rich people around the nation? How many children will we allow to swear at their parents in Spanish?"

The president has been urging Congress to act on a guest-worker program for more than a year. "We intend to invite only certain people to immigrate," said press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The president feels that way they will be more respectful of our traditions, like minimum wage and no benefits."

"This program would help meet the demands of a growing economy," Bush said. "The program will create a legal way to match foreign workers with American employers to fill jobs that Americans will not do, like join the military."

Bush said his plan would reduce the number of workers trying to sneak across the border and free law enforcement officials to nab criminals, drug dealers and terrorists. "Guest workers will be required to dress in casual business attire so we can tell them from the criminals."

"The program that I propose would create an automatic path to service sector employment," Bush said. "But there would be a language test for those who wanted to drive taxicabs."

"Language alone does not work," Senator John Cornyn said. "Unless we address the relationship between foreign cabbies and the display of religious icons in their cabs, cultural confusion will increase and Americans may be forced to use public transportation."

The Senate has postponed its work on immigration proposals until early next year, partly because Senator Frist is still mad at Senator Reid for calling the senate into special session and not providing refreshments. The House hopes to tackle some border security measures before adjourning, but lawmakers may lose their quorum as colleagues go to jail.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Cookie Jar. Hand. You Get The Picture

Thomas Jefferson said, "I have not observed men's honesty to increase with their riches." Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham said, "Not guilty...OK, guilty."

A hearing in Cunningham's case will be held in San Diego and two people close to the investigation said Cunningham would enter a guilty plea to conspiracy and tax charges, and admit to taking $2.4 million in bribes. "Well, 'guilty' has such negative connotations," said Cunningham's attorney, Lee Blalack. "Let's just say my client will acquiesce to the description of his negative innocentosity."

In November 2003, Cunningham sold his home to defense contractor Mitchell Wade for $1,675,000. Wade put the house back on the market and sold it after nearly a year for $975,000 — a loss of $700,000 in one of the nation's hottest housing markets. "Hey. I'm a defense contractor, not a real estate agent," Wade said. "I just know about blowing things up."

Prosecutors said Cunningham admitted to receiving at least $2.4 million in bribes paid to him by several conspirators through a variety of methods, including checks totaling over $1 million, cash, rugs, antiques, furniture, yacht club fees and vacations. "I thought they were part of the benefits package," Cunningham told reporters. "I guess I should have asked someone, besides Tom DeLay."

Wade also let Cunningham live rent-free on his yacht and his firm, MZM Inc., donated generously to Cunningham's campaigns. "Well, he had to live somewhere," Wade said. "I had bought his house for crying out loud. Besides, he did handyman stuff for me on the boat."

Around the same time, MZM was winning valuable defense contracts when Cunningham sat on the House Appropriations subcommittee that controls defense dollars. "I told you he was a handy man," Wade explained.

"I did the worst thing an elected official can do," Cunningham said. "I got mean I enriched myself through my position and violated the trade...umm...the trip...heck Carol, what's that word," Cunningham showed a statement to U.S. Attorney Carol Lam who said "trust."

"Right. Trust. I violated the trust of those who elected me. OK, there's your statement. Can I go now? Lam then whispered something in the Congressman's ear.

Shortly after Cunningham announced that he wouldn't seek re-election. "Hard to get to roll call votes when you're in jail," He told reporters.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

On Wednesday we told you about a group of overlord intelligentsia who were suing the state of Iowa so they could get their racing license back and proceed to lose their shirts. Again. You probably thought, "Boy, what a bunch of losers. Nobody is that stupid."

Yes, they are. They are that stupid. Plainfield Greyhound Park reopened Monday, offering simulcast wagering, and has received state approval to run greyhound racing again in 2006. But there are no guarantees that dogs will run at the track. Connecticut Yankee Greyhound Racing, which operates the facility, agreed in 2004 to sell the facility to Trumbull developer Gene Arganese, who has said he plans to use the site to build a 140,000-seat, domed auto racing track.

"Well, we knew the car race track would be bigger around, and made out of cement and stuff, but we figure hey, dogs like to chase cars, right?" Karen Keelan, executive vice president of Connecticut Yankee Greyhound Racing, said. "Got to be a buck or two in there somewhere."

Arganese said he continues to move forward with his plans for the auto racing facility. "I at least got through to these folks that the cars don't need to chase a mechanical rabbit, but they still keep asking how many social security recipients like auto racing."

Well, if Ms. Keelan loses her job in Plainfield, we hear they're looking for some executive talent in Iowa. Seems like she's got what it takes, right Salt?

Salt aka Spice is intelligent and very affectionate. She wants to be near you and have her touch her all the time. She is very friendly and outgoing. She loves walking. She tends to be a quiet girl. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Hounds Home For The Holidays Part Deux

We're off to stuff ourselves, but before we go here's a hound who is thankful she's no longer a minion of the overlords, but is still in need of a couch and a few stuffies to play with. Meet Pay By Check:

Check is a very sweet greyhound. Check really loves to be in her back yard where she can run and pay hide and seek. She is a very young greyhound who shows much of her puppy side while outdoors. She is a shy greyhound who takes a little more time adjusting and feeling comfortable with new situations. She would need a quiet, patient home that will socialize her at her speed. She does learn quickly. Check will lean into the foster mom for affection. She will make a wonderful family addition. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Hounds Home for The Holidays

As we enter the annual battle to save Christmas from, heathens, we thought is would be appropriate to expand our weekly Friday Hound Blogging feature to cover the holiday celebrations and maybe get a few more hounds on couches to start the new year. That in mind we'll be highlighting some homeless hounds over the Thanksgiving break and again at Saturnalia. So get thee behind me Mithras and let's check in on the overlords:

First a review. Three tracks have gone belly up this year. The industry is in a ten year slide towards oblivion. States like Massachusetts and Oregon have organized movements to ban greyhound racing entirely. So what do the folks who once closed the Waterloo Iowa track because they lost their shirts want to do? Reopen it of course. And what do they do when the state gaming commission tells them the people of the state of Iowa don't want to have to bail them out again? Why they sue the state naturally.

These guys must have been sleeping in Intro to Business class the day they talked about...umm...everything.

The National Cattle Congress closed the Waterloo Greyhound Park in 1996 after financial troubles. The NCC is now is suing the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission for denying its application to reopen. "It's our position that they are denying it because we won't make any money," said NCC Board President Wally Mochal. "That's not their entitlement. This is America and if you can't be stupid here, where can you be stupid?"

The commission voted unanimously last month to deny the group's application. "We asked Mr. Mochal what he was going to do differently this time to assure the outcome wouldn't be the same as before and he said he had just bought a brand new rabbit's foot. We didn't think that was an adequate answer," said a member of the Gaming Commission.

Well, the dogs do chase the mechanical rabbit, but unless Mr. Mochal plans to run around the track trailing his new talisman behind him, the Commission probably has a point. What do you think Scrappy:

Scrappy is a very playful young dog who would love to find a family to include him in their daily activities. Scrappy is a typical young greyhound who is a Velcro dog because he loves being with people. He has a playful side but can be relaxed and easygoing. He has a tub of stuffed animals to play with so he definitely needs a toy supply in his adoptive home. Scrappy is good-natured with other dogs and greets all people with an eager tail wag in hopes to get some pets. He will make a wonderful companion for the right home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And The Lord Said, "Kansas Ma Dawg"

As that well known cultural observer and roustabout philosopher Scooby Doo has opined, "Rut Ro." Looks like Toto will be glad he's not in Kansas anymore.

Creationism and intelligent design are going to be studied at the University of Kansas, but not in the way advocated by opponents of the theory of evolution. "We're not on board with all that questioning and thinking stuff they want to do, "said a representative from the Kansas state School board. A course being offered next semester titled Special Topics in Religion: Intelligent Design, Creationism and other Religious Mythologies. "Look," said Paul Mirecki, a KU faculty member, "Our state motto isn't '1850 Is Good Enough For Us.'We're tired of being number one in Letterman's top ten list of reasons to stay in Mississippi."

"Creationism is mythology," Mirecki said. "Intelligent design is mythology. Steve Abrams is real, but he's a doofis of mythological proportions."

John Calvert, an attorney and managing director of the Intelligent Design Network in Johnson County, said Mirecki will go down in history as a laughingstock. "Why, the Lord told me just last night Mirecki's gonna be riding a greased pole to Satan's front yard when he dies. And I know it was Jesus speaking to me too, and not the other voices in my head."

Earlier this month, the state Board of Education adopted new science teaching standards that treat evolution as a flawed theory. "Hey, I can't even program my VCR and you're telling me this universe just popped up? No way," said state School Board member Kenneth Willard.

"To equate intelligent design to mythology is really an absurdity, Calvert said. "Mythology is all about supernatural stuff and magic, not like Intelligent Design which is hard core science. Well, except for the God part."

University Chancellor Robert Hemenway said Monday said he didn't know all the details about the new course. "If it's a course that's being offered in a serious and intellectually honest way, those are the kind of courses a university frequently offers," he said. "Representative of Intelligent Design will be invited to speak to the class, providing they don't speak in tongues."

Monday, November 21, 2005

Traitorous Scum Have A Right To Question The Conduct Of The War

We know about changes in medication, so we can understand the two Dick Cheneys. The unmedicated (some would say Cheney au natural) calls those who prefer to take their meaning from the world around them "opportunists" who were peddling "cynical and pernicious falsehoods" to gain political advantage while U.S. soldiers died in Iraq. "Sort of like what we did before the war started, except no soldiers were dying then," Cheney explained.

The kinder gentler Cheney says he welcomes a public airing of dissenting views about the war and an "entirely legitimate discussion" about changing policy."Even if those who want to change the policy are "opportunists" who were peddling "cynical and pernicious falsehoods" to gain political advantage while U.S. soldiers died in Iraq.

OK, so some medications kick in faster than others.

Cheney acknowledged that "flaws in the intelligence are plain enough in hindsight." But Cheney added: "Any suggestion that prewar information was distorted, hyped, fabricated by the leader of the nation is utterly false. Look, we're talking about George Bush here. The guy needs help tying his shoes. You think he could pull off a con job like this? Of course not. That's where we come in."

"I do not believe it is wrong to criticize the war on terror or any aspect thereof. Disagreement, argument and debate and the essence of democracy and none of us should want it any other way," Cheney said. "It's just that answering all these charges takes time away from planning the invasion of Syria."

Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

No one ever said the overlords weren't sensitive to the complaints of the general public when it comes to their treatment of the dogs. In an effort to recapture the public goodwill that they enjoyed before people found out about...well...let's just say found out about their disposal methods, they've taken to publishing press releases.

Forty greyhound racetracks in 13 states employed nearly 14,000 people in low wage no benefit dead end jobs and paid more than $84 million in taxes, which works out to about 2 million per track. About what one legislator spends on office supplies.

The greyhound industry funds a number of programs designed to care for the
welfare of racing greyhounds. The industry spent more than $330,000 on
welfare-related programs in 2004 because you tree hugging animal welfare nuts were on our case.

We have a "farm inspection program", where inspectors make "unannounced" visits to
breeding farms to verify compliance with the industry's greyhound welfare guidelines.
"That's true," said a breeder who asked not to be identified. "They only gave me a weeks notice that they were coming 'unannounced" this year. Usually you get at least two weeks to clean up the place."

The Industry has developed an educational video on how to safely lead greyhounds to the starting box. "We left out what you do when you get them there though. "Our bad," said an industry spokesperson.

Yeah. Really. How's your tail King?

King is a gentle giant. He is a very easy going greyhound who loves to follow his foster family around where ever they go. King has so much fun romping in the back yard. When King gets excited he will hop up and down with his front feet like he is doing a dance. King seems to be a dog that has energy but can also relax and be a couch potato at the end of the day. He would make a wonderful addition to just about any family. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Hi. I'm Bob Woodward And I Need attention

Oh come on now. Are you really that surprised that Bob Woodward is caught up in the Plamegate brouhaha? Get real. The guy's nose is so far up Bush's butt it's tickling his glottis. He's the 24/7 "exclusive access" man, who hard hitting journalistic, investigative, fourth estate, watchdog, pension securing exposes of the mind of GWB (Yeah. We know. Should be a short story,or maybe a haiku).

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's defense against charges he lied to investigators and a grand jury in the CIA leak investigation got some potential help Wednesday from The Washington Post's Bob Woodward, former prosecutors say. "This is just too perfect," said Aitan Goelman, an attorney at the law firm Zuckerman Spaeder. "And right after Bob bought that new Mercedes Benz too. What a coincidence."

Libby's lawyers will use the Woodward revelations to raise doubt about the thoroughness of special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald's 2-year-old investigation. "Come on. It's not like Bobby was in the witness protection plan," said Libby attorney Ted Wells. "Everybody knows nothing happens in this town without the Bobster being in on it. He's been on Oprah for Chrissakes."

Libby's lawyers could use Woodward's account to bolster Libby's argument that he wasn't deliberately trying to mislead investigators or the grand jury when he testified that he thought he learned about Plame from NBC's Tim Russert in July 2003. "Russert? You mean old Charlie Brown head?" said an assistant to Libby. "Yeah. He's the first one to learn about stuff like this. And I'm the Queen of England."

Libby's lawyers left little doubt that he considers Woodward's story to be helpful."Woodward's disclosures are a bombshell," Wells said in an e-mail news release. "Hopefully as more information is obtained from reporters ... the real facts will come out. Oh wait. Getting facts for reporters? Never mind. I mean maybe we can muddy up this thing so much the judge won't know the players from a hole in the ground."

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Oh, You Mean THAT Dick Cheney

You have to feel a little sorry for big oil executives. Here they are, trying to figure out ways to spend all that money (What do you say to buying Ecuador?) when they get hauled up in front of Congress and asked if they're gouging the American public. (No more than you Senator) If Congress isn't careful, big oil will just use the money to buy both houses and...oh wait.

It was very nice of Congress not to ask them to swear in so they wouldn't have to, you know, worry about telling the truth. Not to imply that they would lie or anything like that. "The energy industry is an honest, law abiding and above board industry," said Senator Ted Stevens. "Where do you think these guys work, Enron or something?

The chief executives of Exxon Mobil Corp., Chevron Corp. and ConocoPhillips said their firms did not participate in Vice President Cheney's energy task force in 2001. A White House document shows that executives from big oil companies did meet with the task force.


The president of Shell Oil said his company did not participate "to my knowledge. And just so you know, I drink quite a bit, so there's a lot I don't remember."

The chief of BP America Inc. said he did not know. "I'm on drugs," he added.

Chevron was not named in the White House document, but the Government Accountability Office found that Chevron was one of several companies that "gave detailed energy policy recommendations" to the task force. "That's not the same thing as being there," said Chevron Chairman David J. O'Reilly. "I heard they had pizza and subs for lunch paid for with tax dollars. We never got any of that."

Vice President Cheney had a separate meeting with John Browne, BP's chief executive. "Yeah, but we didn't talk about energy policy," Browne countered. "We were watching porn or something. I don't quite remember."

Lea Anne McBride, a spokeswoman for Cheney, declined to comment. "But if I were going to comment," she said, "I'd tell you no meeting took place and the Vice President wouldn't know these people if he passed them on the street."

Alan Huffman, who was a Conoco manager until the 2002 merger with Phillips, confirmed meeting with the task force staff. "We met in the Executive Office Building, if I remember correctly," he said.

"The man's obviously delusional," commented McBride. "Oh, look over there, a missing white woman! And she's a survivor of 9/11!"

Exxon spokesman Russ Roberts said the company stood by chief executive Lee R. Raymond's statement in the hearing. "Oh, yeah, like I'm going to call Raymond a liar. Do you know how big my mortgage is?"

Darci Sinclair, a spokeswoman for Shell, said she did not know whether Shell officials met with the task force, but they often meet members of the administration. "All task forces look alike to me," she said.

The person familiar with the task force's work, who requested anonymity out of concern about retribution, said the document was based on records kept by the Secret Service of people admitted to the White House complex. "We're going to have to explain to those boys why the word 'Secret' is in their name," said McBride.

Senator Lautenberg asked the five executives: "Did your company or any representatives of your companies participate in Vice President Cheney's energy task force in 2001?" When there was no response, Lautenberg added: "Raise your hand if you don't speak English. All five raised their hands.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Congress to Bush: How's That Iraq Thing Going?

Uh oh. There's gonna be trouble now. You know this whole Iraq thing? The quagmire? The debacle? Well, it's gotten Congress' attention. Somebody's gonna furnish the butt for a beatin'.

The Republican-controlled Senate defeated a Democratic effort to pressure president Bush to outline a timetable for a phased withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, then it endorsed a weaker statement calling on the administration to explain its Iraq policy. "The president told us that outlines were tough for him," said Senate majority leader Bill Frist. "You know, the combination of Roman numerals and letters can be confusing. He thought an essay would be better."

Senators also voted to endorse the Bush administration's military tribunals for prosecuting miscellaneous brown people held at the U.S. torture base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but to allow survivors to appeal their status and punishments to a federal court. "We figured that after surviving torture the American judicial system would be a piece of cake for them," said Senator Kennedy. "Unless Scalia gets a hold of the case. Then all bets are off."

The developments in Congress underscored the political significance of the war as the U.S. death toll climbs, public support plummets, the insurgency continues and the price tag soars with no end in sight. "We want the American people to know we're on the job," said Senator Frist. "Give us two years or so and over two thousand deaths and you'll get our attention. Well, assuming there's no election or anything."

The bill includes provisions that mark an effort by the Senate to rein in some of the wide authority lawmakers gave the president following the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. "Yeah, we told the president he could do stuff said Senator Specter. "But who knew he would actually take us up on it. Besides, it's not like we actually read the president's request before we passed it."

The measure includes language that would prohibit the cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of detainees and standardize interrogation procedures used by U.S. troops. The Bush administration has threatened to veto any bill that includes language about the treatment of detainees, arguing it would limit the president's ability to prevent terrorist attacks. "Look, if we can't torture the guys we've got, what's to keep the guys we don't have from attacking us," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

Reflecting senators' anger over recent leaks of classified information to the public, the bill also includes provisions requiring the Bush administration to provide Congress with details on laughingly secret CIA prisons overseas and stripping of security clearances of any federal government official who knowingly discloses national security secrets. "Oh, it's on now baby," Senator Santorum explained. "Bush isn't pushing us around. Did you see his poll numbers? I mean we're standing up for America."

The House version of the defense bill doesn't include those provisions, nor does it include the language on the detention, interrogation or prosecution of detainees. "Those guys are wusses," said House leader Dennis Hastert. "We ought to send Tom DeLay and a couple of his crew over there for a little caucus, if you get my drift."

Republicans largely adopted the Democratic proposal as their own, but they omitted one paragraph calling for the president to offer a plan for a phased withdrawal of the roughly 160,000 U.S. troops now in Iraq. "Yeah, we ran out of ideas over a year ago," said Senator Frist. "So we traded the democrats Virginia and New Jersey for a foreign policy."

Monday, November 14, 2005

By The Way, God's A 5 Handicap

OK, so we aren't the first to point out that everybody's favorite religious wing nut is up to his wacky tricks again, but sometimes, you just have to pile on.

Pat Robertson had a special message for residents of Dover, Pennsylvania after voters there elected to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial. "I was cleaning my tin foil helmet this morning," Robertson said, "When the Lord spoke to me through the radiator in my bedroom."

"He said to tell the heathen brood of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just voted him out of your city. If there's one thing that really honks God off, it's losing an election. Especially after he spent all that money buying ads. Look what he did to Louisiana and Mississippi when they voted for Kerry."

The new school board members have said that they are not against intelligent design, but that they just don't want it taught in science class. "Too late," Robertson explained. "It's my way or the highway...God's way I mean. You get the point."

"I'm not saying he will get his smite on, but if he does, just remember, you're the ones who voted democratic. When asked how he knew the deity was male Robertson responded that they had played golf together on several occasions and 'freshened up' in the club locker room and shower afterwards. "Oh he's male all right," Robertson said. "All male."

When asked if he thought God would target Dover for any particular disaster Robertson replied that he wasn't sure. "Well, he's pretty much done the whole hurricane thing. I'm thinking he might want to go with a flood, or maybe that bird flu. Yeah, the bird flu. They got KFC's in Dover right?"

Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

Another week another track closes. "We were hoping that our governor and the Legislature would give us something," said Milt Roth, general manager of Geneva Lakes. "You know, like enough money to tide us over until I mean until we could find other jobs."

When asked what kind of job he was looking for Roth said he wasn't sure, but was keeping his options open. "My grandson has a paper route," he said. "I'm thinking about going in with him. Probably make more than I do here."

Track owner Robert Glick, a Chicago cab driver, held on as long as he could, hoping new social security recipients would find their way to the track. When that didn't happen, it was time to close the doors on live racing and go back to falling down in super markets and threatening to sue. "It's a living," Glick said.

Geneva Lakes' closure leaves Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha as the state's lone greyhound track. Three other tracks closed before Geneva Lakes. A spokesperson for the greyhound racing industry said he wasn't concerned about the closing. "I'm only three lessons away from getting my correspondence degree in appliance repair. Oh, you mean am I concerned about those people, uh, sure."

Ah, it's heartening to see such a close knit group of folks come together in a crisis, right Augie:

Augie-doggie (as his foster home refers to him) is very friendly and affectionate. He shadows his foster mom around the home. He is a charming older boy that likes to say “hello” to everyone. He is laid back and mellow. He likes to bury his snoot in when he takes a nap. He loves to be petted. He plays dog bed bingo with the other dogs in the house but eventually each selects one. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Every War Has Casualities

So we've reading a lot lately about the so called culture wars (Yes, we can read. Without moving our lips too). If we understand this correctly, Christians, and particularly republican Christians are the good guys and the rest of us, particularly Christians who are democrats are heathen pagans who drink the blood of womb babies and worse, vote for affirmative action and gay marriage.

Pretty simple, and we admit to being attracted to simple. Black/white. Light/dark. Saved/damned. We get it. And given that complexity takes time and effort to process and comprehend, we can empathize with those who would rather have their values produced at the factory and shipped completely assembled next day air postage paid. In fact, if it weren't for the all or nothing membership fee we might be tempted to join the club.

Which brings us to today's conundrum. President Clinton came within a hair (facial were told, not the other kind) of being tossed out on his ear for ...umm...paying too much attention to his, but Representative Don Sherwood shacks up with a hottie, slaps her around, gets sued, settles out of court and he's a "GOP rising star." We don't get it. Oh wait..."rising"...nevermind.

Sherwood reached a settlement Tuesday with a former mistress who accused him of abuse in a $5.5 million lawsuit, according to his lawyer. "Don's really the victim here," said Sherwood's attorney, Bobby Burchfield. "He's known all around the capitol because he's always taking in strays. It's just this time he took in one he with and it got the better of him. Could have happened to anybody."

Attorneys for Cynthia Ore and Congressman Don Sherwood announced that their clients have resolved their differences. "Ore gets a nice house in Alexandria and a trust fund. Sherwood stays out of jail. Sounds good to me," said an aide to the Congressman.

Sherwood, a fourth-term congressman, is married with three daughters. He issued a statement this summer apologizing for the affair but denying he physically hurt Ore. "Don's an effusive guy," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "He's left bruises on me just by saying good morning."

Cynthia Ore could not be reached for comment as she was out shoppping for her new

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Wanted: School Board Members. Apes Need Not Apply

So, you think the drama of this election yesterday was between New Jersey and Virginia? You think people really worried about the anti gay marriage amendment passing in Texas. Again. (Motto: Everything is bigger in Texas. Even discrimination) Well. That just shows how little you know.

The real question in yesterday's election was would Kansas snatch back the coveted title of Whacko Central from long time title holder and reigning champ, California? The votes are in folks and it was no contest. Kansas has regained the crown they lost four years ago when residents voted out the state school board and elected people who could read.

Well, there's a new sheriff in town now, pilgrim and he ain't about to put up with no monkey business. The Kansas Board of Education voted Tuesday that students will be expected to study Intelligent (sic) Design along with small e volution because of the "doubts" about Darwin's theory. When asked what those doubts were, Board member Kathy Martin said, "They were the doubts that I mostly used to hear from the voices in my head, but I wrote them down for the students."

"This is a great day for education. This is one of the best things that we can do. This absolutely teaches more about science," said Steve E. Abrams, the Kansas board chairman. "Now our students will reap the benefits of the greatest minds of the 19th century."

Members of the Kansas majority insisted that science motivated them. Board member Iris Van Meter said, "This isn't about religion at all. I know that because God spoke to me in a dream and said it wasn't."

Member Kenneth Willard accused the scientific establishment of having "blind faith in evolution." When asked if he wasn't the one having the blind faith since the weight of scientifically collected evidence supports evolution, Willard replied, "Get thee behind me Satan."

Asked to comment on the loss of the Whacko Central title to Kansas for the second time, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "We'll be back."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

We're The "Less Is More" Congress. You Get Less, We Get More

Man! Iraq, Katrina, Wilma, Rita, Avian flu, Scooter Libby's defense fund. How many hits can the federal budget take before it's drier than an alcoholic at a Southern Baptist's wedding?

Looks like president Bush's tax cuts for the rich are in trouble, right Republican controlled Congress?

Congress is moving toward still more tax cuts that would cost the Treasury $70 billion during the next five years. Some 97 percent of the benefits will go to households earning more than $200,000 annually.

Oh. Sorry. Guess we misunderstood.

Congressional Republicans have figured out a nifty way to begin lifting the nation out of the budget hole their borrow-and-spend spree has left us in: take from the poor and give to the rich. "Hey. What are poor people going to do with money anyway?" House leader Dennis Hastert asked. "Probably just buy drugs or something. You know how those people are."

The House would add co-pays for children covered by Medicaid, the primary health coverage for the poor, and increase the co-pays for their prescriptions. Medicaid over all would be cut by $30 billion over 10 years, with more of the cost passed on to higher medical and prescription payments. "We're proposing that only a certain percentage of poor people be allowed to become ill in a given fiscal year." said Jim Nussle, Budget Committee Chair. "It's cost containment that makes sound fiscal policy."

The House would also cut the food stamp budget by $844 million, withholding help from about 300,000, including 70,000 legal immigrants, many of them elderly. "Legal, illegal, they all look the same to me," said Congressman John Spratt another committee member.

And over 5 years, $5 billion would be taken from enforcement for child-support payments, a "saving" that would result in the loss of an estimated $7.9 billion in support for children, according to the Congressional Budget Office. "Yeah, well, we felt bad about that," said Congressman Dennis Moore, a committee member, "But then someone told us poor people don't vote and kids can't vote, so what the heck, better them than white folks, know what I'm saying?"

When asked how the house could consider these types of cuts when between 2001 and '04, the number living in poverty increased from 11.7 percent of the population to 12.7 percent. The income disparities between the well-off and the poor -- indeed, between the rich and everybody else -- have widened. A record 45.8 percent of us have no health insurance. Congressman, and budget committee member Jim Ryun said, "Those people don't live in my district."

Monday, November 07, 2005

It's Not Torture If God Is On Your Side

Well, technically the president is right here. When he ships prisoners off to secret jails in foreign countries the locals do the torturing, so when the president says "we do not torture," 'we' is him and Barney. Beyond that, it's anyone's guess.

Bush defended his efforts to stop the U.S. Congress from forcing the administration to act in a humane manner towards terrorism suspects. "Because we don't torture anyone already, if Congress limits our ability not to do what we aren't doing, then we may not be able not to do that in the future."

He did not confirm or deny the existence of CIA secret prisons that everyone except Paris Hilton already knows about. "All I can say is Dick told me there is no reason to visit the old car factory south of Bancock," the president told assembled reporters.

"We are catching arabs and bringing them to mean justice," Bush said. "It's just that the cost of mean the cost of me fix this thing in my ear. OK. We don't torturer. I'm told we use aggressive interrogation protocols in which cost is based on who is being tortured. Ouch! Quit shouting Dick!"

Vice President Dick Cheney has been spearheading an effort on Capitol Hill to have the CIA exempt from acting in a civilized manner.

When asked by reporters what his justification for opposing the ban on torture was, Vice President Cheney remarked that he "didn't need no stinking justification." He said "It's like when somebody disrespects your family, or more important Halliburton. People, particularly brown people, need to recognize that they can't get away with that and we're going to send them to talk to the fishes any way we I mean any way that is lawful."

Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel said that the Bush administration was making a "terrible mistake" in opposing the McCain amendment. "McCain was a prisoner of war when Cheney's biggest worry was making sure he didn't miss his tee time," Hagel said. "Cheney ought not to be telling a hero how to conduct a war when his middle name is 'undisclosed location.'"

The Senate voted 90-9 for the McCain amendment to prohibit the use of torture and abuse of prisoners in U.S. custody. Vice President Cheney said it was one of the "darkest days of the the administration."

Friday, November 04, 2005

Friday Hound Blogging

It has to be hard to be an overlord sometimes. There you are, scraping out a meager existence freeloading off your dogs, worrying whether the folks who own the trailer park are going to sell to the mall developer and wishing you hadn't dropped out of school in the sixth grade. Then you pick up the paper and read this.

Seabrook Greyhound Park will shorten live racing to three days a week. This is down from six days a week of live dog racing currently being held at the track.

The shortened live schedule was announced in by Edward Keelan, president of Yankee Greyhound Racing, Inc. When asked is dropping attendance precipitated the move, Keelan responded that attendance wasn't dropping, "It's just that no one's coming out anymore."

If you're an overlord you think crimanee, surely there must be some social security recipients somewhere with two bucks and the IQ of a potato. Disgusted, you turn the page and find this.

Greyhounds will run their final laps around Geneva Lakes Greyhound Track in Delavan, Wisconsin Sunday, the last day of live racing. "It's no longer economically feasible to keep it open," Milt Roth, general manager of the track said. "We're really disappointed that the community showed such a lack of support," he continued. "Exploiting animals for profit can be such great family entertainment."

So now you think you'd better put the paper down and go practice saying "Welcome to Walmart," but just as you're looking for a piece of paper to write the phrase on so you can begin memorizing it, this catches your eye.

The lure is set in motion for greyhound racing's first million-dollar prize, the largest paying stakes event in the history of the sport. The Derby Lane Million will pay a winning purse of $500,000.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind a little voice wonders if $500,000 is a million, but you're not one to quibble about the particulars. If your fellow overlords say $500,000 is a million, then that's good enough for you.

Track President Vey O. Weaver made an official announcement at the National Greyhound Exploiters Hall of Shame. "This will be the biggest event in the history of this so called sport," said Weaver. "We are looking forward to this pathetic attempt to lure clueless suckers to our rundown facility. And we're hoping no one noticed $500,000 isn't a million because...umm...let's just say we don't have a 401(k) here and let it go at that."

Well, good luck with that. Even $500,000 is a lot of $2 bets. And if we were betting people, we'd put our money on this week's hound to be occupying a couch in a very short period of time. Meet Wabash Petie:

Petie is a very calm boy. He is curious and loves to explore his surroundings. He would make someone a wonderful walking companion. Petie is also a fun greyhound with his toys. He will throw them up high in the air and jump to catch them. He does leaps and bounds while playing with toys. He would benefit from someone who would spend time everyday playing with him. He is a Velcro boy so he does shadow his family around. As most dogs he would benefit from an obedience class. Petie is looking for a fun family looking to have a nice companion and a dog who really likes to play. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.