March 9, 2005

Why are you reading this?   

This is our favorite Friday Hound Blogging written on a Wednesday that didn't feature a skinny dog. Actually it's the only  FHB written on a Wednesday needle noseless. Come to think of it, it's not really an FHB if it's written on a Wednesday is it? And since the whole point of FHB is, you know, the H's and all, well, we guess it's nothing more than just another desultory episode in a long line of episodes marking our undistinguished passage from birth through old age to death. Happy Friday! Presented for your consideration: Sometimes You Act Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don't.

Regular visitors to the halls of Ironicus Maximus (Hi mom!) will recall that each Friday we feature rescued racing greyhounds looking for permanent homes due to the fact that they are no longer profit centers for the human overlords who suck their meager existence from the speed and endurance of the world's oldest breed of dog.

Last Friday we mentioned that in a desperate effort to keep from having to go out and get real jobs, the overlords were trying to pass a law that would allow slots to be placed at greyhound tracks in Broward and Miami-Dade counties in Florida.

Well, the votes have been counted and it looks like the good people of Miami-Dade county said get a job, while the folks over in Broward county said it's OK with us if you leech off the dogs, then dump them, as long as we can sit in air conditioning and lose our pension money.

The greyhound track that is about to receive the benefits of the yea vote is Hollywood Greyhound Track--yes that Hollywood (soon to be renamed Hallendale. Motto: We Need Your Money). As a service to the greyhound betting public in Broward county--at least those who can read--we offer a little tour of the establishment you are about to waste your savings on:

Long ago, the Hollywood track was a magnet for glitterati. Damon Runyon presented the raceway's first trophy 70 years ago. For decades, this place lured the likes of actor William Holden and sex bomb Jayne Mansfield. In its prime, it drew a half-million people each season, and even ten years ago, it was pulling down $65 million in live wagering a season. Attendance, however, collapsed during the 1990s. It now attracts fewer than 100,000 a year and took in a paltry $11.8 million last season.

Hmm...From 500,00 bettors to less than 100,000 in ten years. Well, you can only look at Jane Mansfield so many times without makeup, and isn't Damon Runyon one of the guys on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? But let's move on:

The Hollywood track has drawn the scrutiny of federal prosecutors. A half dozen people were sentenced for a tax evasion scheme at the track that patrons and tellers contend took millions of dollars from federal coffers. Some tellers testified that illegal shortcuts are a way of life when it comes to betting the dogs at Hollywood.

Illegal shortcuts a way of life? We're shocked we tell you shocked! Let's ask one of the track regulars how this could be:

Warren G. Miller was a familiar sight at the Hollywood Greyhound Track through most of the 1990s. Toting a plastic bag filled with odds and ends, the Jheri-curled middle-ager shuffled around the betting parlor looking like a homeless man. With his top front teeth missing, he had a drooling problem and wiped his lips frequently with a handkerchief. Even so, Miller stood out from the down-and-out gamblers for only one thing: He was a key player in a scheme to bilk the IRS out of hundreds of thousands of tax dollars. Federal Judge Jose Gonzalez sentenced Miller to 18 months in prison and ordered him to pay the IRS $442,000 in restitution. The judge also meted out jail time, fines, and probation to a half dozen tellers for their part in the so-called ten-percenting scheme. The case reveals a deeply entrenched culture of fraud and greed at the track.

Oops. Guess we asked the wrong fellow. Our bad. But he looked so knowledgeable, so professional. Well, there was the whole teeth thing, and the speaking in tongues, but we thought it was just some kind of good luck ritual. Not that luck has anything to do with betting on dogs. It's a science you know. Most of the patrons have spent years in apprenticeships and intensive study. Let's meet some of them:

Roberto is a twig of a man with dark, rheumy eyes, caterpillar eyebrows, and a droopy face ripped from a Dali canvas. The few teeth remaining in his top gum are jagged and slightly skewed. His thick Italian accent makes him a bit difficult to understand. Despite myopia that borders on blindness, his mind is a handicapping machine. He asked that his last name not be used.

Roberto is a retired Nuclear Physicist who once worked on the Manhattan Project. Or so he says between swigs of his forty. Here's a friend of his:

Mike, a hulking Bulgarian with missing teeth who declined to give his last name. Mike has been betting the dogs for 23 years and at one time even owned greyhounds. He sits close to the TVs and mingles little during the 14-race live meets. "He's going to take a shot in the mouth one day, in the face," Mike says.

Sports was always about the camaraderie, the playful banter amongst the participants, the assault and batteries. Oh look, there's Stefo:

Stefo moved to Miami in the late 1950s and was introduced to dog racing when he took a job as a driver for a wealthy European who had a penchant for the dogs. He had a series of petty run-ins with the law -- excess parking tickets, expired license plates, some bounced checks -- and usually gravitated to the seamy side of life. In the 1960s, he recruited actresses for the makers of hard-core stag films.

Ah, sports and entertainment coming together under one roof. What synergy! It's like MGM merged with Nike, right Larry:

At 83 years old, Larry rarely misses a day or evening of racing. Today, like most days, he wears brown polyester pants, a baby-blue zippered coat, a plaid cotton shirt, and a "Hollywood Greyhound Track" hat. His yellowed white socks droop around his ankles. Everything he's wearing is overdue for laundering by a month or so.

Well, Larry's the bohemian type, which just goes to show greyhound racing has something for everyone, and a future so bright, those associated with it have to wear sunglasses, right Mr. Berg?

Howard Berg, once an announcer at various South Florida tracks and now a director of marketing at the Hollywood facility, recalls million-dollar nights and crowds of 10,000. Still, Berg is hopeful. He points out that children have been allowed at the track since the 1988-89 season, thanks to the Florida Legislature. "There's the future, to expose them to racing," Berg declares.

Let it not be said the Florida Legislature isn't one of the most forward looking in the country. What other legislative body, charged with the well being of the people who put them in office would have the foresight to see that letting children watch animals be exploited wouldn't be good for the economy. And they can learn about chemistry too:

Hollywood had one of the state's most egregious cases of dog doping. During a frenzied week in January 2003, four dogs trained by Kenneth Purdy took first place in their races. Winners are routinely tested, and the analyses turned up cocaine derivatives in the dogs' urine.

And recycling:

Down here, they used to take the dogs to the Everglades and gut them so there'd be enough blood that the gators would get 'em," contends Michelle Weaver, who with her husband operates Friends of Greyhounds in Sunrise.

So there you have it good people of Broward country, the 18% that turned out to vote, but particularly 82% who decided they'd rather make the early bird special at Denny's. The next time an overlord takes a load of dogs on a one way trip to the Everglades, I'm sure he'll be thankful that you chose the Grand Slam instead of the ballot.

September 19, 2007

Why are you reading this?     

The end we usually envision for irritating students is generally less surgical than a bullet to the brain, still we have to admire this teacher's efficiency in dealing with classroom discipline. Presented for your consideration:  OK, But Only If The Kids Get Body Armor.

We're coming to you today from the What Could Possibly Go Wrong Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCPGW is a wholly owned division of the Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Corporation.

An Oregon high school teacher sued for her right to bring a gun into the classroom for personal protection. "One more spitwad in the back of my head while I'm writing on the board and somebody's going down. That's all I'm saying," the teacher told reporters.

When asked why she hadn't  considered another line of work if she was so afraid of her students she felt she needed to be armed,  the teacher replied that she had looked into a career in law enforcement but felt it was easier to shoot students than criminals. "Don't have to worry about all that Miranda stuff, and anyway, sometimes the parents are grateful."

The standoff between the teacher and the school district has grabbed the attention of both sides of the national gun debate. "The right to protect yourself from prep-pubescent terror is natural, God-given and should not be taken away," said Kevin Starrett, executive director of the Oregon Firearms Federation. "Well, if god had guns that is. On second thought I guess if you're god you don't need a gun. Omnipotent and all that. Still, if Jesus had of had a Glock that whole cross nailing thing would have turned out differently. What was my point?"

The teacher's identity is being concealed to protect her from an abusive ex-husband who has challenged her to a gunfight. "Yeah. The problem is she missed him," Starret said.

The 12,370-student school district argues that being gun-free is a condition of her employment."We are saying that the school district has the right to expect the superintendent isn't going to get drilled in the hallway because he didn't call a snow day when all the other districts did," said Tim Gerking, the school district's attorney.

When asked for his opinion, one of the students in the teacher's class said he wasn't planning on handing in any homework assignments late. "I don't want to have to choose between 10 points off or a head start," he said.

August 19, 2009

Why are you reading this?  

What better way to abandon our bloggatory responsibilities after we've abandoned our bloggatory responsibilities that to turn the whole dang thing over to a third party. We're blazing new trails in irresponsibility here folks and we hope you appreciate being at the dawn of this new age. Presented for your consideration: Uncle Cledus Visits The Marbled Halls.

Well, there's been quite a bit o' chin music lately about them fellers a carrying their bang sticks out to meet that colored guy you all elected president of these here united states. Now, most times I don't cotton to havin' to explain somethin' that's plain as the nose on your face, specially to a bunch arugula eatin', latte drinkin', east coast girly-men, but  Ironicus has asked me to come on this here blog thing and set the record straight and I feel like I gotta do it 'cause they're family and all. Not that we're particularly proud of that, but whatcha gonna do? God don't let you pick your relatives.

OK, let's git to it. See, we all know the Negroes are the sons and daughters of Ham who was cursed by Noah because, well, I don't want to git inta that case there's some young 'uns in the audience. Anyway, to make sure everyone knew who the sons of Ham were, God turned them black. Now, God's a merciful God and even though he laid a curse on these folks, he also made sure he balanced that out with some special talents. That's why colored folks got the natural rhythm.

The other thing that God did for the Negroes was to make sure all the men got...ah...big...ah...well equipped if you take my point. See, I guess God figured if the black folks was gonna be cut outta polite society because a being black and all, he might as well give them something to do amongst themselves that was enjoyable. Like I said, God's a merciful God.

Don't get me wrong, God's all seeing all knowing and all powerful and such, but this here situation is dangerous what with women being the weaker sex and all. Us southern boys are taught by our daddies early on that a white man's pecker can't in no way compete with a black man's 'scuse my French ladies but there ain't no other way to say it.

So when we show up with our peck--I mean our guns strapped on what we're sayin' to any colored gentlemen in the area is we know what's going on, and stay away from our women. It's nothin' personal, it's just the way God made them. And us.

Now you're saying, wait a minute Uncle Cledus, one a them fellers what showed up strapped was a Negro. Yeah, but it's like I told you, God gave the Negroes rhythm and peckers, didn't say anythin' about brains.

I hope this clears it up for you and I apologize again to the ladies for my indelicate language.

February 12, 2008

Why are you reading this? 

As we have documented on several occasions, it's hard following the one true faith when you live in a world where everyone else seems to be following some other one true faith, and even folks who follow no faith at all think they are following the one true...erm...faith? Well, the point is, it gets confusing. Leave it to the invisible hand of the market to sort it all out though. Submitted for your consideration,  At Least It's Better Than Pope On A Rope

Frequent readers of this blog will probably not put their upcoming economic stimulus money to good use...er...we mean have often chuckled at our occasional poking of the fun at our christian friends. You know, the ones who say god put all those fossils on earth just for a big fake out. We kid because we love.

But no more. We have come across one of the most heinous cases of religious discrimination since Barabbas got a get out of jail free card. Sure, people who have the misfortune of being born in Islamic countries are getting bombed and stuff, and even those foolish enough to worship the wrong god in this country get a not so subtle reminder from time to time that we're all about the big JC, but this blatant attempt to persecute the christian community makes all those incidents look like fraternity pranks. In fact, this attempt is so over the top, we wonder why the Big G himself hasn't stepped in. Oh sure, we know he's always up for a little testing of the faith through hurricanes, floods, pestilence and whatnot, but this...this is just too much.

Christians living in Singapore were being forced to buy Jesus makeup.

A cosmetics range with cheeky taglines that extolled the virtues of "Looking Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores in Singapore. Promising to "Redeem your reputation and more," the product line included a "virtuous vanilla"-flavored lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream. "What? Aren't you guys all about redemption?" asked a spokesperson for Wing Tai Retail, which manages Topshop where the cosmetics were sold.

"These products trivialize Jesus Christ and Christianity," Nick Chui, one of the complainants, said. "Jesus would never date a girl just because she had showered with 'Wild in the Desert' body wash. I don't even think they had showers back then. "

"There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products, " he added. "I'm sure Jesus wore shirts, and he probably didn't work out."

On the packaging of one of the products, Jesus, wearing a bright white robe, looks heavenward while a blonde, heavily made-up woman with an arm draped across his shoulder gazes dreamily at his face. "We're pretty sure Mary Magdalene wasn't blonde," said Grace Ong, another complainant.

"Why would anyone use religious figures to promote vanity products? It's very disrespectful and distasteful," she continued. "Plus I tried the tanning lotion and I didn't 'Get the Complexion of The Nazarene Overnight.' Unless people from Nazareth were orange."

An unnamed Wing Tai Retail spokesman apologized for offending the christian community. "Look, we see them over there at the souvenir shops buying those pictures of Jesus where the eyes follow you around all the time. We just thought they'd like something practical, something with a little class. Excuse me for caring."

Christians make up about 15 percent of multicultural Singapore's population of 4.5 million people, but they file 86% of all the complaints.

March 2, 2006

Why are you reading this?

As professional members of the educorporate training collective we often turn our gaze in the direction of matters pedagogical. Hence the drinking. And as denizens of the classroom for more years than we care to admit to now, we offer you this little tidbit of prognostication: The young are going to kill us. Offered for your consideration:   Don't Think Of Them As Charter Schools, Think Of Them As Snake Oil Salesmen Retirement Communities.

We generally don't pay too much attention to the pundit class, other than occasionally wondering how they can say some of the things they say without their heads exploding, but we recently ran across this column by John Stossel, and having watched as much as we could of his recent spit flecked rant about schools we thought we'd give it a perusal and see if his new medication had been effective.

Apparently not, for the mustache writes:

Bureaucrats like to say, you will go to this school, because we said so, and you will be taught according to this program, because we said so and we know best. Those of us with confidence in markets think you could do better deciding for yourself.

Yep. No one is in a better position to decide for him or herself where to go to school than a kindergartner, unless its a kindergartner's parents who work full time, try to have some home life and look forward to driving all over the country checking out schools all of which, because of the "free market" spend most of their budget on advertising that promises to make every child a genius. It's 25 degrees and snow here now John. We'd like to go to school in San Diego. Can you arrange that for us?

Educational experts, freed from the massive regulations that snarl the public schools, can come up with new and better ideas for teaching.

Umm...except there is no regulation that prevents educational experts from coming up with new and better ways of teaching. In fact, most teachers will tell you that they are bombarded with so many new and different ways of teaching they often can't keep them straight and hence the phrase "pedagogy du jour."

No one individual can begin to imagine what competition would create.

Well, you may have a point there Johnny boy. Just look what competition did for the airline (can you say bankrupt) industry, and the energy (can you say Enron) industry. Oh, and let's not forget what Bechtel did for competition when they privatized the water supply in Cochabamba, Bolivia. All those peasants competing for a drink of water, now there's some free market sumpin sumpin all up in your grill Mr. Third World dirt farmer. Deal with it! Who's got your charter now Jose?

Would you keep going back to a restaurant that served you a bad meal? Or a barber that gave you a bad haircut? Competition makes everything better.

Ah...John? Educating human beings to take their places as functioning members of a democratic society is a tad bit more complicated than making a ham sandwich or getting the balance right on your mustache trim. Just saying.

So many students want to get into charter schools many have to hold lotteries.

Well, it is a gamble, we'll give you that. The kids could end up here, or here, or here, or here, or here or here, or the biggest losing ticket of all, here.

In 2001, Harvard economist Caroline Hoxby found that Milwaukee's private school vouchers made the nearby public schools change. Competition worked — for human beings, and for public education.

Erm...would that be this Caroline Hoxby?

Well, let's leave Mr. Stossel to converse with the voices in his head and go ask an actual educator what his views are on the subject. Dr. Bracey, what do you have to say about Mr. Stossel's argument?

In retrospect, this was a hopelessly naïve and simplistic notion of the way schools operate, but it caught many people's fancy. It has proved to be the latest in the apparently never-ending fusillade of magic bullets targeted at the schools.

Heh. Indeedy.

January 7, 2005

Well, here's a little something for you history buffs out there--the very first Friday Hound Blogging we did here on Blogger. We had an occasional blog on another server a few months before this, but left due to...uh...creative differences, which is why we say the FHB tradition is continuing (this is probably the third time we had done this so our definition of "tradition" may be slightly looser than yours). Ah, the innocence, the simplicity, the lack of abuse directed to the overlords. It was a kinder gentler Ironicus back then, was it not?

Oh, we did a little digging and Bella is still around. She's almost 10 now, a little more gray than in her picture here, but she still enjoys toys, lying in the sun and being with her adoptive family.

Friday Hound Blogging
As part of our community service, er...as part of our service to the community, we continue with the tradition of Friday Hound Blogging. Yes, we know about Atrios and TBogg but this is much better because these hounds are retired racing greyhounds that are looking for homes. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Besides, greyhounds are way cooler than Basset Hounds, and don't even think about cats. So, without further preliminaries, Here's our guest of the day, Bella Blanco:

Bella is very sweet, easygoing, happy, and loves attention. She will approach and nudge you with her nose for attention. She is a greyhound “collector” who takes all the dog toys from the toy box to her bed. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

June 1, 2009

What fun we've had over the years joshing that wacky band of pizanos down at the Vatican Social Club and the OG (Original Godfather) pope Benedicto (red shoes) Ratzinger. Today's little trip down the memory hole is unusual in that the priest in question is hetero. Ladies and gentlemen, presented for your consideration, And A Playa To Be Named Later:

Frequent readers of this blog know that the future is a big seagull about to poop on your shoulder...erm...we mean, know that we spent our formative years under the wise if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the church catholic, or more specifically the brothers christian. And as a result we don't have much good to say about our brothers and sisters in Christ, or in this case in Miami, except to bemoan the fact that no one explained to us that we could have put in for a transfer rather than subject ourselves to one more guilt trip from Sister Victorine because we didn't make our sales quota of plastic virgin Marys for the dashboard.

Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known catholic priest who admitted having a romantic affair and breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church to be with the woman he loves.

Cutie? Father Cutie? Come on. You really expect us to buy that?

(it's pronounced koo-tee-AY).

Yeah, as in boot tee AY? Right padre? Come on now. Be honest. Just can't keep from giving the big sacrament to the koo tee ays in the parish now can you, you old cornu canis you!

"I will always love the catholic church and all its members," he said at a news conference. "Well, that was part of my problem, trying to love all the members of the catholic church. I have needs, you know? Plus I'm straight so it's not like they can just send me to another diocese."

John C. Favalora, archbishop of the Catholic Church's Miami archdiocese, where Cutie served, said he was "deeply disappointed" by the news. "There aren't that many heteros left," he said. "We'd like to hang on to those we have."
The Cuban-American priest admitted having a two-year relationship with the woman, a long-time friend. She has not been publicly identified. "This is something I've struggled with," he said this month. "I don't support getting caught in the breaking of the celibacy promise. "
Of his relationship with the woman, he said, "Through the photos, it looked like a frivolous thing on the beach, you know, and that's not what it is. It's something deeper than that."

Um...padre? We don't think that's what your bosses want to hear.

"Father Cutie's actions have caused grave scandal within the Catholic Church, harmed the Archdiocese of Miami -- especially our priests -- and led to division within the ecumenical community and the community at large," Favalora said in a written statement. "Today's announcement only deepens those wounds."

Well, it's certainly getting "deep" around here.

"Father Cutie is still bound by his promise to live a celibate life, which he freely embraced at ordination," Favalora said. "Only the Holy Father can release him from that obligation."

"Yeah, like that's been a problem for me so far," Cutie responded.

The Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida said Cutie will deliver a sermon Sunday at a church that diocese leaders are looking to restore: the Church of the String Bikini in Biscayne Park. Cutie will be a part of this effort to revitalize this church and others, the diocese said.

Oh. So that's what the ecumenicals are calling it these days.
Favalora also had harsh words for the Episcopal church's decision to accept Cutie. "This truly is a serious setback for ecumenical relations and cooperation between us," he said.
Calm down father. Episcopals aren't really in a church, remember?

It's Not A Rerun If It's The FirstTime You've Seen It

We're going to be taking some time away from the old blog for a few days, so to entertain you in our absence--well come to think of it, it's probably our absence that will entertain you, but no matter--to help you waste time until we return and personally see that your day is frittered in a professional manner, we are going to be running some of our greatest hits, or past posts we just picked at random, whatever. Anyway, today's offering is from June 2, 2005 and it's original title was Buy A Ford, Help A Fag, however, given the growth and maturing of this blog in the last five years, were we to write it today we would call it: Buy A Ford, Help A Fag. You should know better than to have expectations by now.

Now, we've always known there were chick cars, like the Volkswagen Golf, and guy cars like the Corvette, and weenie cars like...well any minivan, but we never knew there were gay cars and that they were all made by Ford, although it does explain why police departments all over the country are getting rid of their Crown Victorias. Well, that and the whole fire thing.

Anyway, the folks at the American Family Association have decided that cars with to die for interior designs and paint jobs that just scream queen are too much, and have called for a boycott of Ford.

"From including same sex couples in benefits packages, to giving hundreds of thousands of dollars to support tolerance, to teaching managers the power of diversity, Ford's enlightened leadership points the way to fostering equality in the workplace and valuing a person for his or her contribution more than sexual preference." said a notice on the group's Web site. "And that really ticks us off."

Ford provides health care benefits for same sex partners of its employees, as does General Motors and Chrysler. When asked why the Association chose Ford, American Family Association special projects director Randy Sharp said, "It was the shortest and easiest to spell. A lot of our members aren't really educated people, if you know what I mean."

Nearly 55,000 people have signed a pledge supporting the boycott. Asked why he signed the petition, Buford Cady of Jonesboro Arkansas said, "To git one a them Calvin pissing on a Ford sign stickers they's a givin' out. Gonna put that right on ma pickup truck."

The boycott was called by the AFA, which a week before called off a nine-year boycott of Walt Disney Company, which it had originally declared on the same grounds. Asked why the Disney boycott was being ended, Sharp said, "We feel after nine years of boycotting Disney we have made our point."

When told that during the nine years of the Disney boycott the company's stock price went from $18.67 to $27.66 a share, Sharp responded, "See? See? That's what I'm talking about. We took them on! We showed them. Wait. Did you say from 18 to 27? Oh. That's a good thing isn't it? Let me get back to you."

Later the AFA office issued a statement that said problems that the group has with Disney have become "lost among the other battles being fought on a crowded cultural battlefield."

Asked for clarification the person answering the phones at AFA headquarters said, " We just got tired of our kids screaming at us because we wouldn't take them to Disney World."

Be Prepared? Funny. That's The KY Jelly Company Motto Too

We're coming to you today from the Coincidence? We Don't Think So Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. CWDTS is a division of the Nobody Could Have Predicted Company, a subsidy of Connect The Dots, LLC.

OK, tell us if this doesn't make sense. First of all, pope Bene was a member of the Hitler Youth when he was a kid, which was like the Boy Scout SS back in the day. Then he grows up to be El Catholic Grande and on the way is all like "doinking the choirboys?" Everybody needs a hobby, let's just keep this on the down low, OK?"

Flash forward to today and our American Boy Scouts which is sort of like our Hitler Youth except for god instead of Adolf, and what have you got?  You guessed it, Pervs. And not just common run of the mill everyday pervs, nosiree, religious pervs:

A jury in Oregon made the largest punitive damages award to a single plaintiff in a child abuse case in the US by ordering the Scouts to pay $18.5m to Kerry Lewis, who was repeatedly assaulted by a former assistant scoutmaster, Timur Dykes, in the 1980s. Dykes had admitted to a superior in the Scouts that he had abused boys, but was allowed to remain in the organisation and is alleged to have sexually assaulted several other children who are also taking legal action. Dykes confessed his abuse in 1983 to the local Scouts co-ordinator, who also happened to be a Mormon bishop, but was allowed to continue working with the Scouts.

 Mormons and catholics working together! Is that ecumenical or what? Well, except for the child rape, but hey, like the big Benito said back when he was just a little pope, everybody needs a hobby. And you know what else? Both organizations were danged organized at keeping records of who was banging whom. Now that's just downright Third Reich efficiency right there.

The judge in the case overruled the Scouts' attempts to keep the jury from seeing about 1,200 files kept by the organization on suspected pedophiles. The files shown to the jury were not made public and are just a small part of what is believed to be a cache of as many as 6,000 held at the Scouts' headquarters in Texas, dating back to the 1920s.

 "We said they had 75 years of secret files about paedophiles, and that's the way the evidence came in. I think that fact in itself was just staggering to the jury. They had a regular practice of placing guys on probation and then they would allow them to continue to be active in Scouting, not unlike some of what you saw in the Catholic church," Kelly Clark, Lewis's lawyer said.

 OK, despite the fact that the catholic church is supposed to be all holy and stuff--relaying god's word to the people and all--we're pretty sure this guy isn't comparing them to the Boy Scouts in a good way. Of course, god could be down with the whole NAMBLA thing, so we could be wrong. Might explain why he's so uptight about the atheists and homos, but pedophiles? Come on down!

If the files are made public, it is likely to prove a severe blow to an organization that is already at the center of controversy over a bar on atheists and gay people.

 Right, because see, Boy Scouts with good fashion sense? That's an oxymoron. And atheists? Well, don't want kids to quit believing in a god that is OK with them getting raped by some trusted adult before they're even old enough to hide a Playboy under the mattress, then told to shut up about it  now do we?

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Adding Insult to Injury Department here in the  marbled halls of IM central. AItI is a division of the You're Ugly and Nobody Likes You Company, in partnership with British Petroleum.

Apparently it's not enough that the only people who come to see greyhound racing anymore are...heck, no one comes to see greyhound racing anymore. Well, there is Larry over on Elm street, but in his defense the track is next to the Rehab Center he goes to since the accident and he probably just gets confused from time to time. Head injury you know.

Anyway the point is that even though no tracks are operating, states are still taking time out of their busy days to pass laws saying greyhound racing is illegal.

Rhode Island Gov. Don Carcieri signed legislation allowing betting parlors in that state to end dog racing, meaning greyhound racing is over in all of New England. Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine each outlawed dog racing in the past couple of years. It ended for financial reasons in New Hampshire, and the state Senate recently voted to make live racing illegal. Connecticut's last greyhound track closed in 2006.

 Man. Talk about making someone move out and then changing the locks, getting a restraining order, buying a big, mean dog and having your brother in law who used to be a professional football player come stay with you...

It gets worse. All this has emboldened the animal rights wackos and they're like let's get all up in Florida's grill.

"GREY2K USA will now now intensify its efforts to close down the 13 dog tracks of Florida," Christine Dorchak, president of GREY2K, said. "We realize the way Florida is shaped it causes most of the stupidity in the country to drain into it, but we are confident we can plug a lot of the leakage from Alabama and that will give us a shot," she added.

Wow. That's a bit harsh, don't you think Christine? We mean, regardless of your feeling about racing itself, as we've told you many times (here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) the care the units...er...dogs receive is first rate. Got to protect the investment, right Robert Edward Trow?

According to a ruling from the Racing Commission, which regulates racing in Birmingham, the dog Potrs Banshee won the 10th race on Oct. 20, 2009, and then tested positive for benzoylecgonine, a common marker for cocaine that can be detected in urine days after cocaine itself has left the body. The commission ordered the purse from the race rescinded and fined the handler, Robert Edward Trow, $750 because of the positive test.

 Oh, hey that's not fair. How can Mr. Trow be responsible for what the dogs do in their own time, right Jack?

Jack is very sweet and curious about everything. He enjoys pets but doesn’t actively seek them out. He is very easygoing and mellow. He will randomly blow a big puff of air through is mouth. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and he would probably be okay as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Priests Get Multiple Choice, But Nuns Get Essay With No Partial Credit

One of the aspects of commercial grade religion that always put a fly in our mustard was the idea that the big J was always testing our faith. Every time something bad would happen we were always told it was because we had to have our faith tested again. Passing the test usually revolved around sitting down, shutting up and not asking too many questions.

Cripes, thinks us, if this guy is all knowing, all seeing why does he need to go all quiz crazy on our barely post pubescent,scrawny buttocks? Mr. Constant our illegal immigrant ninth grade algebra teacher used to tell us he needed to test us because that was the only way he could see what we were thinking, but JC is supposed to be able to read our thoughts and stuff, right? At least that's what Sister Victorine used to tell us when she caught us staring at Elizabeth Arlen's chest.

Mmmm...those blouses, so tight and the buttons straining to stay fastened. And when she would lean forward, the gaps...erm...where were we? Oh yeah, testing. Well, all this is by way of saying we can sympathize with Sister Margaret McBride who had like a super cumulative final exam thrown at her:

Last November, a 27-year-old woman was admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix. She was 11 weeks pregnant with her fifth child, and she was gravely ill. According to a hospital document, she had "right heart failure," and her doctors told her that if she continued with the pregnancy, her risk of mortality was "close to 100 percent." The patient, who was too ill to be moved to the operating room much less another hospital, agreed to an abortion. But there was a complication: She was at a Catholic hospital. But the hospital felt it could proceed because of an exception — called Directive 47 in the U.S. Catholic Church's ethical guidelines for health care providers — that allows, in some circumstance, procedures that could kill the fetus to save the mother. Sister Margaret McBride, who was an administrator at the hospital as well as its liaison to the diocese, gave her approval.

Now, see this lady is a nun and stuff which means she takes all that church says this and church says that yadda yadda seriously.  Probably even listens to the pope. Probably. We have to believe this wasn't easy for her, even with Directive 47. We also have to wonder why god would decide to test her faith by threatening to kill this poor mother. Didn't he get enough of that blind obedience action with Job? Seriously. What's this guy's major maladjustment anyway?

Back to the story. Probably figuring that if mom dies an 11 week old fetus isn't exactly looking at collecting social security some day, Sister McBride decides to save the mom. It was the logical thing to do, but still, nuns are like weapons grade catholics, so we're sure sister wasn't like, "OK off the kid. Now watch this drive."

Oops. The logical thing to do. Big mistake.

The woman survived. When Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted heard about the abortion, he declared that McBride was automatically excommunicated — the most serious penalty the church can levy. "She consented in the murder of an unborn child," says the Rev. John Ehrich, the medical ethics director for the Diocese of Phoenix. "There are some situations where the mother may in fact die along with her child."

OK, now explain this to us Padre: God tests your faith by making you attracted to young boys, then puts you in a position where you can succumb to that temptation--which you do. Repeatedly. Apparently that's a pass because god sends you to another parish where you can start all over again. but, god presents you with a choice of letting one person die or two, you chose one and whamo, that's a big fail and you get kicked out of class.

We don't mean to be disagreeable or anything, but somebody is going to have to show us the answer key here.

And Jesus Said Unto Them, "Soak 'Dem Pagans!"

 Ah, shoulder chip christens...gotta love 'em, bless their little passive aggressive hearts. We call them shoulder chip christians because they wear their faith on their shoulder like a chip they just dare you to knock off. For the record, you can knock it off by confronting them directly, or by ignoring them, and if you don't do enough of either they'll take the chip off and throw it on the ground themselves, then blame you. That seems to be what happened in Florida where two of Jesus' finest have gotten all up in Satan's grill. Well, Schandra Rodriguez's grill. Potato, potahto.

Two teachers at Blanche Ely High School in Pompano Beach are in danger of losing their jobs after a March incident in which they allegedly doused an atheist teacher with holy water. Lawyers for the two admitted their clients may have gotten the word of god confused with the Wizard of Oz, "But that still doesn't give a godless--and probably communist--heathen the right to walk around out in the open amongst good decent folk," said one.

Local clergy have called an emergency meeting over two teachers who were removed from their classrooms after sprinkling holy water onto an atheist colleague.

 As well they should. Certainly at the very least that wasn't a very christian thing for those two ladies to do. We mean, christians are supposed to be all about being peace, love and stuff, right? WWJD and all that. Now that they've had a little time to reflect on the episode, we're sure they're going to want to apologize to Schrandra and lay a little of that good old christian love on her. Thats' the way to bring those wandering sheep into the fold, are we right?

“We need to know why one teacher is allowed to teach our children there is no God and nothing is done,” said the Rev. Willie J. Rainer, husband of one of the accused teachers and; an associate pastor of Hopewell Baptist Church in Pompano Beach. “But the Christian teachers have been removed from the classroom even though nothing has been proven.”

Umm...OK. Not quite the response we were expecting. Wasn't that atheist lady the one we was attacked?

Rainer and Robinson are represented by attorney Johnny L. McCray Jr."I will attend the meeting, and I think it’s commendable for this community of ministers to recognize this injustice,” McCray said. “It’s equally encouraging that they are concerned about the manner in which Ms. Robinson and Ms. Rainer are being treated.”

Yeah. We think you're missing the point here good christian people. Perhaps a tale from our childhood will help. When we were in fifth grade we went to a school that had an elevated covered walkway between two wings of the building. A sidewalk ran underneath it. One winter day we were out with Butchie Smith having a contest to see who could loft a snowball completely over the walkway. After a couple of near misses we had just launched our third attempt when Mr. Dermady the math teacher came out of the building and started walking down the sidewalk. Now, it was completely his fault for coming out of the building when he did, and we certainly had no intention of hitting him with a snowball as he was known ear puller and arm pincher. None-the-less when our errant satellite came back to earth it chose to make its landing square on top of Mr. Dermady's fedora, underneath which was Mr. Dermady himself.

Well, you can see how we were totally innocent of any wrongdoing in this little episode, yet the principal concluded Mr. Dermady was the aggrieved party by virtue of the fact that he had been struck by our--and we feel we can't overstate this--totally innocent snowball toss, and we were awarded a week's worth of detention. You see where we're going with this?

“We were contacted, and we agreed to hold the meeting at our church,” said the Rev. O’Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center. “We have to make sure this is not an attack on Christianity. It is totally unfair to remove the two teachers, and allow the other teacher to remain. We need answers and for them to be returned to the classroom.”

 Guess not. Must be some religious principle at work here with which we're not familiar.

And On the Eighth Day God Created The Appeals Process

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know there is true folly in achievement...er...we mean know that we here at IM Central strive to bring you cogent analysis written in razor sharp prose through arguments laid out with surgical precision. Give or take a little.

Well, that's all over now pardner. Turns out we based our whole approach to interpreting the world around us on a false assumption and now we have to question the reality in which we live. We mean the regular reality too, not the one  you're used to seeing from us.

For example, we thought that legal stuff, like say trials for instance, were the purview of judges, prosecutors, and defense professionals...you know, lawyers and stuff. Turns out it's not lawyers at all who are responsible for the application of the codified customs of this here great nation, it's the clergy.

The controversial Harlem pastor who led a days-long "trial" of President Obama says the resulting "guilty" verdict and corroborating stuff that, you know corroborates and such, will now be turned over to anyone who will take a COD delivery, congressional and otherwise."I tried to get the legal establishment to listen to me," said Pastor James Manning, "But they kept talking evidence this and due process that until I couldn't tell my ipso from my facto so I just decided to find Obama guilty myself."

The activist pastor says that under the 10th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, citizens can legally hold a trial and arrive at a guilty verdict by "dressing up all fancy with them wigs and stuff and saying  'Objection'! a lot just like on Law and Order," with the results turned over to appropriate government bodies for entertainment in the staff lounge. When asked how the 10th Amendment could override Article III of the Constitution which lays out government responsibilities in Judicial areas--particularly Section 2 which states that trials of crimes shall be held in the state where the crime was committed--Manning replied that "maybe it was the 10th Commandment" he was thinking about. "I get them mixed up," he continued. "Specially when Mrs. Jones shows up for choir practice in that red skirt that's so short I can almost see the promised land, Hallelujah!"

Manning claims the fact that the Secret Service, charged with protecting the president and investigating threats, allowed the "trial" to take place constitutes evidence it was legitimate. When asked why he thought he trial would be a threat to the president, Manning replied, "They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!......"

"If the trial did not have legal standing, then why did the federal or city authorities not intervene to halt [the proceeding]?" he said. "We did not hide the trial, in fact we did our best to promote it. When asked for comment a spokesperson for the Secret Service said, "Who?"

The event was held at Atlah World Missionary Church over the past few days....

Wait a minute wait a minute. Atlah? What the heck is Atlah?

ATLAH stands for All The Land Anointed Holy. Yeah, well OK but you don't usually include articles like "the" and "a" in the acronym, so a more exact spelling would be ALAH, see because the grammar would...WHOA! Alah? Alah? Holy Crap! It's the mooslims!!1!!eleventy1!

Wait. Why would the mooslims go after a fellow mooslim...unless...unless it's the double back jihadi reversal swithceroo to throw us off the track!  That's it. That's got to be it! See, a bunch of crazy people call Obama an Islamic and we think, oh those people are crazy so we don't pay any attention to them when really Obama is Salaaming and Halaling all over the White House and nobody is the wiser...until it's too late.

Oh, the geometric logic! It's...algebraic!

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey! This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no fooling around.  You animal rights wackos have really stepped in it this time. You blow into a state in your Priuses (Priuii?) find an inhumane sport that is dying anyway and proceed to get all righteous on the buttocks of those poor unskilled, heartless sorry excuses for human beings that are only trying to suck a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals.

Umm...we mean you've been picking on the overlords. Well, if you'll forgive the pun, every dog has its day as they say, and brother, those black souled, empty eyed, slack jawed, parasites on the greyhound breed are about to do some serious barking.

Er...we mean the industry has decided to take their fight to court.

The owners of a Lynn kennel that trained greyhounds to race claim in a lawsuit against the state that their constitutional rights were violated when Massachusetts banned dog racing.

 Oh it is so on. How you like us now you Birkenstock wearing, green tea sipping, PBS watching busy bodies? Bet you didn't see that part in the Constitution that says we have the right to injure and kill animals for profit. Thomas Jefferson himself wrote that.

Head industry talker guy Doug Pizzi, in an attempt to convince the kennel owners to keep him on the payroll, tells The Boston Globe that the referendum "took people’s property away without any compensation." When asked to cite examples of the government confiscating any land, buildings or animals Pizzi replied that he was pretty sure someone had taken his jacket. "I left it on the chair when I went to the bathroom and when I came back it was gone."

Ha. A clear case of government overreach. Open and shut don't you think Nikki?

Nikki is fun and puppy-like. She is affectionate – she will bring you toys or rub against you for attention. She loves playing with toys and will bring all the toys from the toy box to her bed and then take them back. She is funny and is a quick learner. She likes to play ball. Nikki would do well in a working family home that could let her out mid day, or with someone who is home more often. She is good with other dogs and well-mannered children. She would do well in a family that will include her in their daily activities. She needs to live in a single family home, because she can be vocal when left home alone.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mitt Romney Call Your Office

All throughout history people have wondered whose side god is really on. Of course god himself has remained famously mum on the whole thing, thus leading to years of inquisitions, crusades, jihads pogroms and purges. Got to admit the guy likes to keep you guessing. Could almost say the dude is coy, but using a term generally describing tenth grade girls in reference to the ruler of the universe will probably get us turned into frogs or something, so let's just move on to the point of this little missive.

Now, we know you come to this blog for answers to the difficult questions because you had some sort of vitamin deficiency as a child...er...we mean because your boss is out of the office in the afternoon...no...because the cable is out...umm...well never mind, you're here.

We've built up your expectations and you should have known better because now we're going to tell you that we don't know whose side god is on either, but we can tell you who he doesn't like, white guys.

Kenneth Patrick Smith, a Mesa lawyer and president of the Valencia Branch, a Spanish-speaking LDS congregation in Mesa, said missionaries from his church have had doors slammed in their faces since Arizona's new law was signed by Gov. Jan Brewer in April. "They say, 'Why would we want to hear anything from a religion that would do this to the Hispanic community?' " said Smith,

Just think about the implications of that remark for a moment. Can you name a church whiter than the Mormons? They're so white Illinois was too diverse for them fer chrissakes, so they moved to Utah where for 150 years they wouldn't even let the brothers come in the temple--even by the back door. Oh sure, now they're all like"'Sup Homie?" when they're at your crib, but then you pick up a paper and read:

Sen. Russell Pearce, a Republican from Mesa and sponsor of Arizona's tough new immigration law is a member of the church. Pearce has repeatedly said his efforts to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and keep them from coming here is based on the Mormon Church's 13 Articles of Faith, which includes obeying the law.

Yeah. The white man's laws. Are we right dawgs? Are we right? Day am!

Many Latinos who view the new law as unjust and discriminatory blame not only Pearce but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is making it hard for Mormons to proselytize to the state's 1.8 million Latinos, whom the church views as key to future growth.

"Many Latinos"...AND ALSO GOD!!1!!1!. How else can you explain it? Look, we know god sent Katrina to smush the homos, and earthquaked Hati for cozying up to the devil, so why else would the Mormon church be having so much trouble except that they've gone a ticked off the all powerful one? We mean, god's supposed to be watching out for churches right? How else do you explain the fact that Benedict is still out of jail?

It's right there folks. It's staring us in the face. It's as plain as the sacred underwear in your sacred underwear drawer:

God, ladies and gentlemen, is a beaner.

In Which Ironicus Announces: We Are Precogs

OK so you probably come to this blog thinking no matter how badly things are going in your life, at least you aren't Ironicus Maximus. That's all right. Socially redeeming value is overstated anyway and though this blog may be the scale that forms along the toobz of these here inter webs, we proudly proclaim that we also serve who only...uh...waste your time.

Well, that probably could have been phrased better, but our point is that even though your visit to our little neighborhood is preceded by low expectations, occasionally even we rise to the level of mildly informative. To wit: Last week in what has become semi-regular visits to the red hat club we wrote the following:

His strong comments placed the blame for the crisis squarely on the sins of pedophile priests (who, he pointed out, are legally not employees of the vatican, but private contractors), repudiating the Vatican's initial response to the scandal, in which it blamed the media as well as pro-choice and pro-gay marriage advocates, sun spots, the economic collapse in Greece and the designated hitter rule for mounting a campaign against the church and the pope.

Now, admittedly that part about those in the church employ being private contractors was a throw away line, one of those things our fingers type while our minds are occupied  with higher thoughts, like when did they add a Hajib competition to the Miss America pageant? However, it those very times when we have totally distracted ourselves, even from our distraction that we are open to higher signals, to the force if you will, to echoes of future time, to eternity, to the very voice of god. Stoli helps too, but we'll let old Benedicto tell it:

The Vatican on Monday will make its most detailed defense yet against claims that it is liable for U.S. bishops who allowed priests to molest children, saying bishops are not its employees and that a 1962 Vatican document did not require them to keep quiet, The Associated Press has learned.

 Yes, ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first. El Popo Grande is cutting the boinkers loose. May the sweet Jebus and his sainted momma watch over their  pasty white behinds 'cause misters, this here church is aloha.

Now don't go getting all huffy either padres. Read your bible, Matthew 28:20 says Jesus is with you until the end of time, but Bene? He jets.  See ya don't want to be ya.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, did you hear? The recession is over. Happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again so let's sing a song of cheer...excuse us, what?

President Barack Obama says the recession isn't over for people who can't find jobs or pay their bills.

Yeah, well, can't argue with that. Not having a job does tend to cut into your ability to pay your bills, what with not having any money and all. Man. President Obama sure can catch the nuances of a problem can't he? But look, things are getting better, so if you had a job once, you'll probably have a job again soon, right?

Fewer construction workers will be needed. Don't expect as many interior designers or advertising copywriters, either. Retailers will get by with leaner staffs. The economy is strengthening. But millions of jobs lost in the recession could be gone for good. And unlike in past recessions, jobs in the beleaguered manufacturing sector aren't the only ones likely lost forever. What sets the Great Recession apart is the variety of jobs that may not return.

 Oh. OK...uh...let us think here a minute...Wait. We know. You need a new career right? A new direction, new challenges and opportunities. Why not become an overlord?

Champion trainer Mark Wallis touched on the subject recently to GOBATA (Greyhound, Owners, Breeders and Trainers Association) and claimed that many trainers have been feeling the pinch with his own Imperial Kennels at Lakenheath in Suffolk running at a loss of £15,000 for the past two years.

No job is perfect Mark. Besides, we're sure an industry as family friendly as greyhound exploitation racing is aware of your plight and moving to help out.

The Greyhound Board of Great Britain is a centre for governance, regulation and welfare as well as a lead for commercial development and growth of the sport. It is supposedly committed to managing its functions to the highest standards achievable and being efficient, effective and accountable to those that it licenses, and the public.

There you go. Problem solved.

The GBGB seem quite willing to give hundreds of thousands of pounds to millionaire owners to improve restaurant facilities at tracks, which in result has increased the track’s tote and attendances by up to 40% yet continue to penalise the trainers by slashing prize money in graded races.

 Hmm...that does seem a little unfair what with attendances up 40% and all. Seems to us a little more equitable sharing of the wealth could go on.

Effective and operational from January 1st 2009, the GBGB’s primary goal should have been to build a good relationship with all those connected to the sport; in particular with the trainers, to try and tackle the worrying decline.

 We heartily concur. Good relations are the life blood of a vibrant, growing organization. It is crucial...wait..."worrying decline"? What happened to the 40% increase? Well, no one ever said you had to be a math major to make it as an overlord. What the trainers need is an advocate. A spokesperson, someone to speak out for them, right Jorge Hank Rhon?

Earlier this year, the American Greyhound Track Owners Association, which is headquartered at the Palm Beach Kennel Club, took on a new member. At the AGTOA's spring conference, held in Las Vegas, then-President Karen Keelan called MIR/Caliente the group's "newest and most supportive member."

 Boo Yah! Nothing invigorates an organization like fresh ideas, a new outlook and untapped energy. This has got to be good.

Jorge Hank Rhon, is a former mayor of Tijuana who's been accused of everything from money laundering to murder. In Mexico, his contentious past has earned him the nickname "Genghis Hank."

 "Gengis Hank." Heh heh. We're sure they mean that in a good way.

He's also one of Mexico's most notorious traffickers in exotic and endangered animals. In 1989, one of Rhon's cheetahs escaped and was hit by a pickup truck in Tijuana traffic. Before the police could set up a crime scene, the injured animal was taken away by Rhon's zoo guards. In 1991, he paid a $25,000 fine after a baby white tiger was found in his Mercedes as it crossed the border into Mexico.

 See? Animal lover.

An FBI-DEA task force investigated Rhon for money laundering in a case that involved Taesa Airlines and Loredo National Bank. A 1999 report from the Department of Justice says Rhon "is more openly criminal than either his father or his brother... and is regarded as ruthless, dangerous, and prone to violence."

 Prone to violence? That's a little extreme don't you think? Sure the guy's a little...ah...exuberant, but that's just what an industry with "worrying declines" needs, right?

The worst of the allegations against the AGTOA's newest partner, though, involves the murder of a journalist in Mexico. In April 1988,Hector "El Gato" Felix Miranda, a longtime critic of Rhon's, was assassinated on his way to work. Two of his security guards were convicted of the murder, though the well-connected Rhon was never charged.

 Umm...well, on the bright side, if you do get him to argue for a bigger cut for trainers, people will probably listen, right Molly?

Molly is very playful and puppy-like. She loves to play with toys and will jump out of bed, grab a toy and throw it in the air. She is a big sweetheart. She is very loving and affectionate. She is eager to please and likes to get all the attention. She will approach and stare at you with longing eyes so that you will pet her. She is very cuddly. She loves to give kisses. She plays hard and rests hard. Molly would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She can be a bit on the whining side when left alone, so she needs to be in a single family home. She is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog if the family plays with her to burn off her puppy energy.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bubbas Booze And Bullets. What Can Go Wrong?

Frequent readers of this blog probably remember seeing the promise of their youth disappear into the dark night of the future like the lights on ships slowly dropping below the horizon...er...we mean probably remember a post a while back in which we lamented the demise of good community based mental health care.

Returning once again to that topic we 'd like to reiterate our position and add the following to the discussion:

ARE YOU INSANE!!?!!

Oh wait. You are. Sorry, our bad.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell has until April 12 to take action on three unpopular gun bills that would put state residents at greater risk of gun violence:  SB 334, SB 408, and HB 1217. SB 334 would allow concealed carry permit holders to bring loaded handguns into establishments that have a liquor license in Virginia, including bars, nightclubs, restaurants, pizza parlors and bowling alleys.

In fairness to the Bills' supporters we have to point out that they are only "unpopular" with people WHO ARE NOT INSANE!!1!!1! Look, we have a compromise that should please everyone. Instead of bringing an gun into the bar, just stuff  a hot dog, in your pants and wear that into the bar. You're sending the same message and no one will be hurt, although your date may be disappointed.

Another bill on Governor McDonnell's desk, SB 408, would allow those without concealed carry permits to keep loaded handguns in their vehicles or boats if stored in a locked container such as a glove compartment.

Right. Because you never know when you'll have to shoot someone who's too slow to pull away from the light when it changes, or pop that annoying water skier who keeps buzzing around the lake. After all , it says it right in the Second Amendment: The right of the people to keep and bear arms and off those annoying mofos who shouldn't be allowed out in public anyway shall not be infringed. 'Specially if they're, you know, ethnicals and such.

HB 1217 requires the Virginia Board of Education to establish a standardized program of gun safety education for students in elementary school.

Nothing says America like a second grader with a Glock strapped to his little heinie.

The Georgia House has just passed a bill to expand the places where licensed gun owners may carry. The bill passed 118 to 48. It has to go back to the Senate for approval of some House committee changes. The bill, sponsored by Sen. Mitch Seabaugh (R-Sharpshooter), would allow licensed gun owners to carry in non-secure areas of airports, in bars where the owners allow it and in the parking lots of colleges, courthouses and jails.

Wait. You can carry a gun into the jail? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose? 

It would eliminate the 1,000-foot limitation on guns at schools and colleges and has been one of the most hotly debated bills of the 2010 General Assembly session.

 See, because not that many people can hit a target 1000 feet away, so if you want to voice your displeasure at your instructor for assigning extra reading over the holiday, you need to be able to get a little closer. Now that's what we call a legislature in touch with its constituents. .

When guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns, which is probably better than the morons who have them now.

Arizona! Motto: Za Dom Spremni!

We're coming to you from the Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words Department today. The PIWATW Department is a division of the It's Not Washout, I'm Really That White Corporation in partnership with This Is A Face Only Stormfront Could Love, LLC.

We told you recently about Arizona's confusion regarding the nature of the Federal Race to The Top program. They thought it was Race On the Top and hence have been passing white's only legislation faster than chaw disappears at a NASCAR race.

Their latest effort in the competition is a bill to outlaw ethnic studies--unless that ethic is white that is.

Arizona governor Jan Brewer has signed a bill targeting a school district's ethnic studies program, hours after a report by United Nations human rights experts condemned the measure.

Apparently, being condemned by human rights experts was just the push the bill needed to make it over the top, right State Schools Chief Tom Horne?

Horne, a Republican running for attorney general, said the program promotes ethnic chauvinism. "If there's going to be any race that gets to be chauvinists, it's going to be us," Horne said.

The measure doesn't prohibit classes that teach about the history of a particular ethnic group, as long as the course is open to all students and doesn't promote ethnic solidarity or resentment. "We want all ethnic groups to feel welcome in Arizona," Horne said. "As long as they're polite and know their place."

Which brings us back to the subject of our little epistle today. How could you not feel welcome in Arizona when you see this face signing yet another discriminatory, racist law onto the books:

BREAKING: Pope Thinks Priests May Have Been "A Tad Naughty From Time To Time"

Now, we'll be the first to admit we've been a trifle hard on old Benedicto since this whole Boink the Choirboys thing got into the press. Um...perhaps 'hard" isn't the best descriptor, given the nature of this little contretemps in which the church catholic finds itself. It's just the whole idea of people who purport to be moral and spiritual guardians and guides using their position to take advantage of children in a  most despicable, heartless and damaging way, then being protected by the very body that should have been the first to deplore and punish their behavior has left us somewhat, shall we say vexed? Call us old fashioned.

Anyway, it seems all that is in the past now, because the draped one has finally seen the light.

Pope Benedict blamed the church's own sins for the clerical abuse scandal — not a campaign mounted by outsiders — and called for profound purification to end what he called the "greatest persecution" the church has endured. "In other words, the pope finally realized it wasn't the outsiders doing the mounting," said a representative of the Vatican Office of Trying To Make The Whole Thing Go Away.

Well, better late than never, says us, but that "purification" thing has us a little worried what with the pope's...uh...youthful exuberances and all.

His strong comments placed the blame for the crisis squarely on the sins of pedophile priests (who, he pointed out, are legally not employees of the vatican, but private contractors), repudiating the Vatican's initial response to the scandal, in which it blamed the media as well as pro-choice and pro-gay marriage advocates, sun spots, the economic collapse in Greece and the designated hitter rule for mounting a campaign against the church and the pope.

"The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sins within the church," the pontiff said. "The church needs to profoundly relearn penitence, accept purification, learn forgiveness but also justice."

Ah. So the church as been a very, very bad boy and it needs a spanking.

We don't think this is the last we'll hear of this.

They're Taking Jobs From Americans, But They're Being Very Polite About It

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the ultimate comfort of surrender...er...we mean know that we call the Water Winter Wonderland our home and have been proud Michiganians (Not Michiganders you out state yahoos!) for many years now. Treasured are the afternoons we have wiled away watching Michigan Outdoors or yelling at the screen as reluctant witnesses to yet another Lions collapse. Yes, we count ourselves authentic pierogi eating, fudge buying, American made sons of the pleasant peninsula. Plus we hate that so called University in Ann Arbor which makes us even more true...um...blue.

That didn't come out quite right, but the point is as card carrying fans of our adopted state we have often turned a jaded eye on our fellow citizens unlucky enough to have to live in a state not surrounded on three sides by one fifth of the world's surface fresh water supply. In fact just the other day we pointed out some less than attractive features of living in the Grand Canyon State.

We may have spoken a bit prematurely.

A Michigan lawmaker believes the state's law enforcement officers need the authority to arrest illegal immigrants and is drafting legislation similar to Arizona's new immigration law.

 See, because now when the police find an illegal immigrant instead of arresting him the cops have to give him $50 and a ride to wherever he wants.

Representative Kim Meltzer, R-Clinton Township (91.2% white and wanting to keep it that way, there Juan), said her bill would allow police to request proof of citizenship from people who are stopped and questioned on another offense, such as eating a home made burrito or having no tan lines. Officers would have the authority to arrest people who can't prove their legal status, or who pronounce violet as 'biolet' and say 'tink' instead of think. "The founding fathers didn't intend for this country to be overrun by other races," Meltzer told reporters. "That's why they killed off all the Indians."

"We have borders in place for a reason," Meltzer said. "Everyone should play by the rules. Well, except for us white folks who get to make the rules."

Meltzer, who's a candidate for state Senate in the August primary election, said racial profiling — a key fear among opponents of Arizona's law — would not be tolerated.  "Just because the good lord made you brown isn't automatically a cause for suspicion, but you have to wonder why, if god could have made Jesus any color he wanted, why did he make him white? I mean, just look at the pictures."

Ken Grabowski, legislative director for the Police Officers Association of Michigan, said a law giving local police more authority is "probably something that needs to be done. Would we be able to TASE them first? Got to be able to TASE the little amigos 'cause once they get to running my people ain't about to catch them."

Meltzer said Michigan law enforcement officers have been left with the responsibility to protect the state against those who sneak across the U.S.-Canadian border. Federal border officials allocated about $20 million a year ago for 11 cameras to be set up along the St. Clair River to watch for illegal immigrants crossing from Canada.

Whoa. Wait a minute. We thought you were talking about the Hispanicals, but you're talking about Canadians? Crap. That is serious.

Friday Hound Blogging

Long time fans of FHB will remember one George Carney, a frequent visitor to these pages and head overlord at Raynham Taunton Greyhound Exploitation Park before the good people of Massachusetts informed him that productive labor was not just a good idea, it was the law.

Mr. Carney had long warned that passing the law would result in the Bay State falling into the ocean and drifting off to some desultory future, perhaps as a colony of France. Mr. Carney was also concerned about those workers at the track who relied on him for their low wage no benefit jobs, since once the option of being a participant in the legalized abuse of animals for profit  was gone, no career options would remain in the state, except maybe to run for Ted Kennedy's seat which meant you had to be able to read and stuff.

Well, never one to say I told you so, it looks like Mr. Carney was right because now, a mere five months into the ban on sucking your trailer payment off the backs of dogs, the area around the old dog track has become a veritable post apocalyptic horrorscape of broken dreams, lawlessness and--if you'l pardon the expression--dog eat dog competition.

Taunton-area politicians are exceedingly pleased with the bill that appears headed on path for the governor’s desk. The bill passed by House lawmakers was modeled in part by the legislation proposed annually for 10 years by Bridgewater state Rep. David Flynn. It was the first, however, to pass in the House of Representatives and appears, Flynn said, to have enough votes for approval in the Senate. "It looks very promising." The bill calls for two resort-style casinos and 3,000 slot machine parlors at the state's four racetracks.

See, this is what happens in a liberal nanny state where the government thinks it knows better than the people and legislates behavior. Jobs are lost, futures foreclosed and families shattered, right Mr. Carney?

Raynham Park owner George Carney was happy the odds improved for hosting a slot machine parlor. "Yes, I am," he said.

What a brave man. He's obviously smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside. Try to keep up that brave face Mr. Carney. You are the one beacon of hope in this dark night of government over-reaching. Your people look to you for inspiration even though all you can give them is your courage.

Carney is prepared to invest $15 million for a licensing fee and some $200 million in converting the old greyhound track into a slots parlor with room for retailers, entertainment venues and even a possible commuter rail station.

Oh. Well, that's good too.

Most importantly, state Senator Marc Pacheco said, the bill creates jobs and revenue to the state. "This is great news for our region, in particular." State Representative James Fagan said the gambling bill is an economic stimulus plan, creating 1,000 new jobs. “I think for Taunton there will be an immediate impact on jobs and revenue within a year of reopening the track as a gambling facility,” he said. “It can't help but help.”

Increased economic growth and job opportunities once you get rid of greyhound exploitation. Don't you just hate it when that happens Mindy?

Mindy is very playful and very friendly. She is a little timid when you approach her, but she is friendly if she approaches you. She follows her foster mom around the house. She is very affectionate. She will approach and stand by you for attention. She gives lots of kisses. She is right in the group when the family dog is being petted. She likes to play with toys. She will pull all the toys out and throws them in the air. She likes chasing balls and she will almost fetch. She is curious – she checks out open closet doors, picks up socks, etc. Mindy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She would do best in a home that either has someone home more often or that has another dog for her to play with. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hey Bene! You Think The Victims Of Priest Sex Abuse Gave You Headaches? Wait Until You Tick Off A Nun

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the hollow laugh of fate echoing through the empty rooms in the castles of their imaginations, now abandoned to the grim landlords of decay and decline...er...we mean will recall that we are products of the religoeducorporate educational complex, having spent a fair portion of our formative years under the benevolent--if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the Christian Brothers, ably assisted by the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention which is why we feel uniquely qualified in pointing out that Teh Popmeister has stepped in it big time. It's not like we didn't warn the guy either. One of the most lasting lessons we took with us from our years under the watchful classroom gaze of Caucasian Jesus was: Don't. Mess. With. The. Nuns.

Three Catholic women's communities in Washington state are being investigated by the Vatican. They were chosen for review as part of an extensive investigation into American nuns after rumors surfaced that the nuns were "getting all womeny and stuff." The Vatican says it's following up on complaints of feminism, activism and acting like the church is all about helping people. "They seem much more concerned about handing out sandwiches to homeless people than learning the proper Latin responses at mass," said one vatican investagator. "Plus they're wearing stylish shoes."

When asked who had complained, a representative of the vatican refused to answer, but did say the person had been moved into the church's witness protection plan. "We don't want him having any accidents that involve rulers and knuckles," the spokesman said.

The Archdiocese of Seattle says the Adrian Dominicans for Equal Pay in Woodway, the Renton Sisters of the Traveling Pants and the Tacoma Dominican Sista Souljahs are on the list. Sister Joyce Cox is the Archbishop's Delegate for Actually Living a Religious Life And Not Just Talking About It While You're Wearing The Drapes and A Funny Hat. She says it's not clear what this latest development — or the entire investigation — means."Well, except for the fact that it means Benedict is going to be eating out a lot shortly and probably running out of socks and underwear."

Cox: "Ordinarily visitations are made because there is something of great concern, or some place of scandal or not having integrity to the origins of our life. But if scandal or integrity were the reason they'd be visiting the priests, not us."

The Seattle–area communities were chosen for visits after investigators reviewed responses to questionnaires sent out to every women's order.  "Might have been the response Sister Margaret wrote to the 'Will you always do what priests tell you to do?' question. She wrote: 'not if he tells me to go out and find some sweet young altar boys.' She was just trying to lighten to mood a little," Cox said.

It's not clear why the local orders are being singled out, but the investigation was initiated shorty after Sister Bernice refused Monsignor Allen's request for a "back rub with a felicis terminus." The Renton Sisters run a women's transition house. The Sista Souljahs call themselves risk takers. They work to end human trafficking.

"Well, there's your answer right there," said a spokesperson for the vatican Office of Changing the Subject. "These women are out in the community providing refuge and escape from people who've probably been sexually abusing them. How long is it going to be before one of them runs into a priest? Can you imagine the PR nightmare that would be?"

Church investigators say they'll report to Rome next year after their knuckles heal enough to write again.

The Bell Strikes One. We Take No Note Of Time But From Its Loss

There is one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog...When all other friends desert him, he remains.

George Graham Vest

One of our oldest blog friends lost a good friend of his today and we're all a little diminished because of it. So long Mooks. Going to miss you boy.

Mookie,
November 24, 1997 - May 3, 2010

Arizona! Motto: It's Not What You Tink

OK let's get off of Arizona's back here folks. Sure they passed a law that means the Hispanicals have to prove they're related to George Washington to stay in the country. Well, more precisely George Washington's gardener, or one of his nannies. Lord knows we don't want no beaners tracing their heritage back to the father of our country. We mean, he's George Freakin' Washington for cripe's sake, not swinging Tommy Jefferson.

Where were we. Oh yeah, unlawful shades of melanin. What's the big deal here? So they have to carry a few extra papers. That can be done with a tasteful personal equipment accouterments such as a nice Hermes Birkin or Manolo Blahniks for the ladies, or an Eddie Bauer Guide Bag or Waterfield Cargo for the gentlemen. Stylish and practical. Sure to be the center of discussion when detained by an officer of the law for walking on the white man's sidewalk while being brown.

See, it's not so bad. It's not like the law orders them to sew little yellow sombreros on their clothes or anything. The Legislature could have done that you know, and it would have been perfectly within their responsibilities because of...umm...terrorism.

Anyway they didn't and it's because they really value their duskier residents. Want proof? Look what their doing to help the little illegal immigrants become real Americans. Well, as real as you can be when you have a permanent tan if you get our drift and we think you do.

In the 1990s, Arizona hired hundreds of teachers whose first language was Spanish as part of a broad bilingual-education program. Many were recruited from Latin America. "At first we thought they all spoke Latin," said Margaret Dugan, deputy superintendent of the state's schools, "Then Miguel, my gardener told me Spanish was the third most popular language in the world so I figured it had to be spoken someplace besides Mexico."

Then in 2000, voters passed a ballot measure stipulating that instruction be offered only in English. Bilingual teachers who had been instructing in Spanish switched to English becuase it's important to have someone only speaking one language in a bilingual classroom, particularly if it's the one the kids don't understand. It's called total immersion, like when you're drowning.

Arizona's enforcement of fluency standards is based on an interpretation of the federal No Child Left Behind Act. That law states that for a school to receive federal funds, students learning English must be instructed by teachers fluent in the language. Defining fluency is left to each state, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Education said. "That was our first mistake," he added.

The education department has dispatched evaluators to audit teachers across the state on things such as comprehensible pronunciation, correct grammar and good writing. "Grammars? We don' need no steenking grammars," said Dugan. "See. I made a little joke there because accents make things funny...er...I mean pedagogically unsound."

Yeah. And spoken English is real grammatical anyway.

Nearly half the teachers at Creighton, a K-8 school in a Hispanic neighborhood of Phoenix, are native Spanish speakers. State auditors have reported to the district that some teachers pronounce words such as violet as "biolet," think as "tink" and swallow the ending sounds of words, as they sometimes do in Spanish. "We tried hiring this teacher from Massachusetts," Dugan said, "But she kept pronouncing car as 'cahr' and yard as 'yahd.' Never could get her to say 'hey Y'all' right either. Had to let her go."

"It doesn't matter to me what the accent is; what matters is if my children are learning," said Luis Tavarez, the parent of sixth- and eighth-graders at Creighton. "An obviously misinformed parent who doesn't understand the goals of the school system here," Dugan said. "Probably says 'biolet' too."

State education officials deny any discrimination against teachers, saying they are acting in students' best interest. "The last thing these kids need is someone teaching them who understands their culture, heritage and learning needs," said one official who asked not to be named. "You want them saying 'I tink' for the rest of their lives?"

We tinks he doth protest too much.