Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What About If You Guys Just All Moved To Another Country? Say, Alabama?

Ah, conservative, christian funny mentalists. The gift that keeps on giving. Seems they can't find anyone up to the moral and ethical caliber of George Bush in the current bus load of screaming whackos (tm) that comprise the republican candidates for president, so they've gone looking elsewhere. Conspiracy conventions, assisted living centers and under bridges we assume, but looking they are and finding they hope to do.

Some of the nation's most spectacularly bonkazoid, pedal to the metal, full bark mode conservative christians, alarmed by the prospect of the country moving into the 21st century, are considering backing a third-party candidate. "You know, we haven't seen the son of god around much in the last 2000 years or so," said Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, a conservative policy group in Washington. "It would really help our cause if we could recruit someone who could turn people voting democratic into ash, or frogs or something."

Participants in the meeting included James Dobson, founder of the Focus on the Family evangelical ministry, and car wash in Colorado Springs, Colo. "The lord has instructed me to direct my minions to take over this country," Dobson said. "In accordance with the best traditions of our democratically elected government of course, which will be bent to my...er...our will. Now excuse me while I speak in tongues. Boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom!! Thank you. Please give what you can."

Dobson has said he wouldn't support Giuliani, calling the former New York mayor an "unapologetic supporter of abortion on demand." Dobson has also rejected former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson as wrong on social issues, and wouldn't back John McCain because of the Arizona senator's opposition to a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. When asked if the candidates position on the war, or domestic policy issues entered into his decision, Dobson replied, "What war?"

Richard A. Viguerie, the direct-mail expert and longtime conservative activist would not give specifics of the proposal or reveal additional names of participants, but said President Bush "would not have been elected in '04 without the people in that room. Which is why I've contacted the Federal Marshall's witness protection program. We have got to get these people some protection."

"There is such jaundiced feelings about any promises or commitments from any Republican leaders," Viguerie said in a phone interview. "Republicans are the christian family values party. We should have seen this coming years ago. Too late we find out they're just like us."

A spokesman for the Republican National Committee did not respond to a request for comment, but did hold his index finger up to his temple, twirl it around and then point at Dobson.

The participants were in Salt Lake City for a separate meeting of the secretive Posse for Busting Up The Heathens, a group of conservative business, religious and political studz that was co-founded years ago by Tim LaHaye, author of the "Left Behind" series of books. Vice President Dick Cheney flew into the city Friday to address the group, according to The Salt Lake Tribune but was barred from entering the meeting when the archangel Gabriel appeared at the door and ordered him away.

Viguerie said conservatives "are still open" to former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. "We like the fact that he's had every position imaginable. We know ours are in there somewhere, it's just a question of which set of beliefs he'll stop on if he gets elected. That's a gamble and we don't do that stuff. Well, not much anyway."

"Conservatives have been treated like a mistress as long as any of us can remember," Viguerie said. "They'll have lots of private meetings with us, tell us how much they appreciate it and how much they value us, but if you see me on the street please don't speak with me."

When asked if that was an appropriate metaphor for a conservative christian group, Viguerie replied that he wasn't sure, but "it worked for Vitter."

Richard Land, head of the public policy arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, was not at the meeting. But he said no one floating the idea of a third party thinks there's much chance the candidate would win. He considers the proposal a reaction to "moguls of the Republican establishment" who think conservative Christians will support the GOP no matter what. "A lot of them won't hold their nose and do it," Land said. When asked what they would hold, Land refused to answer.

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