I Am The Benedicto, And I Have Teh Madd Salvation Skillzz

Ha! We knew it! We just knew it! There had to be a reason we sat through all those catechism classes besides the times Elizabeth Arden wore sweaters. Ah, sweaters...kind of tight, but not too tight...smooth...and when she would reach behind her to pass back the catechism books...throwing those shoulders back...leaning....don't take the book yet...make her reach...just a little more...just a...oh...uh...where were we? Oh yeah. We're going to heaven...and you're not.

Neener neener neener.

Pope Benedict XVI reasserted the coolosity of the Roman Catholic Church approving a document that says other Christian communities are whack. "Now we don't want to unduly scare the heathens...er...our unsaved brethren," said a Vatican spokesperson. "But I feel I must remind you that a couple of months ago we also did away with purgatory, so those of you thinking you might might not need to join the team to be allowed to spend eternity in heaven's suburbs, well, word to the wise, that's all I'm saying."

"It makes us question the seriousness with which the Roman Catholic Church takes its dialogues with the reformed family and other families of the church," said the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, a fellowship of 75 million Protestants in more than 100 countries. "Oh we take it very seriously," said the spokesperson. "If 75 million people start going to mass and contributing a few bucks a week, well we can get out from under this whole lawsuit thing in a matter of months. Oh, and there's the whole salvation thing. That's important too."

It was the second time in a week that Benedict has corrected what he says are erroneous interpretations of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-1965 meetings that brought the church out of the 13th century. When asked how there could be an "erroneous" interpretation of church doctrine when the pope was supposed to be infallible when ruling on church doctrine, a spokesperson for the pope's office of soul enhancement replied, "It was the sixties. Everyone was high."

Benedict also revived the old Latin Mass — a move cheered by Catholic traditionalists but criticized by more liberal ones as a step backward from Vatican II. Benedict, who attended Vatican II as a young theologian, has long complained about what he considers its erroneous interpretation by liberals, saying it was not a break from the past but rather a renewal of church tradition. "Who's got the power now libtard," said a cardinal who asked not to be identified. "Or should I say Father Libtard? Stick that in your sandal wearing, folk singing, acoustic guitar, English mass and smoke it. I got your Kumbaya, right here."

The Congregation for Getting Righteous on your Scrawny Protestant Behind, which Benedict headed before becoming pope, said it was issuing the new document because some contemporary theological interpretations of Vatican II had been "diggity-dank" and had prompted confusion and doubt. "Jews in heaven? I don't think so." said one member of the panel.

The new document — formulated as five questions and answers like, Can I get To Heaven If I Don't Speak Latin? Answer: Nullo modo, Jose' , has riled Protestant and other Christian denominations because it said they were not true churches because they don't even have bingo, and therefore did not have the "the official godly seal of okey dokeyness. That sounds better when we say it in Latin," said one Vatican spokesperson."

"Christ 'established here on earth' only one church," said the document. "And if you ain't with the pope, you're just a dope. That's all I'm saying," added one official.

The bingoless "cannot be called 'churches' in the proper sense" because they do not have apostolic succession — the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ's original apostles. "You think the Jews are the chosen people," said one official from the pope's office of community outreach. "Pulllease. We got the whole Christ posse, man. Top that."

The Rev. Sara MacVane, of the Anglican Centre in Rome, said "It's important always to point out that there's the official position and there's the huge amount of friendship and fellowship and worshipping together that goes on at all levels, certainly between Anglicans and Catholics and all the other groups and Catholics."

"Oh sure, we like you," said Salvatore (little walnuts) Maraschino, pope Benedict's Consiglio. "You're going to hell, but we like you. Plus she's a woman. What's up with that?"

Despite the harsh tone, the document stressed that Benedict remains committed to ecumenical dialogue. "The pope has just completed a correspondence course at the George W. Bush School of Dialogitating and Discussation and he's eager to try out some of the principles he learned there," said an aide.

The top Protestant cleric in Benedict's homeland said the Vatican apparently did not consider that "mutual respect for the church status" was required for any ecumenical progress. "Oh we respect them," said Maraschino. "We respect them because we know they're there....FOR US TO POOP ON!!"

In a statement titled "Lost Chance," Lutheran Bishop Wolfgang Huber argued that "it would also be completely sufficient if it were to be said that the reforming churches are 'not churches in the sense required here' or that they are 'churches of another type' — but none of these bridges is used" in the document. "Bridges? Bridges? We don't need no stinking bridges," said one cardinal familiar with the document.

The statement, signed by the congregation prefect, American Cardinal William Levada, was approved by Benedict on June 29, the feast of Saints Peter and Paul — a major ecumenical feast day. "Plus it twofers down at the Holy Mary Mother Of God Pub and Grill," Levada added.