Jesus Saves, But Can He Do Story Problems?

From time to time we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have been accused of having a less than positive outlook on this great country of ours. "Traitorous scum" we believe was the appellation. Or was it "French?"

Anyway, the point is, nothing could be further form the truth. Fact is we love this country and almost daily thank our lucky stars for having been born in America rather than in say, Alabama. We are grateful for the fact that with less than four percent of the world's population, we consume 25% of its energy. We are grateful for the fact that as the world's sole super power we can project our military might anywhere on the planet and thus don't have to waste time with diplomacy. And we're grateful that to continue to feed the great beast that is the beacon of freedom and promise in the world, we will soon be turning corn into biofuel for our SUVs instead of putting it in the bellies of starving children around the world.

It's good to be the American.

But folks, we have to tell you that even with all the blessings that have rained down upon us like a golden shower from heaven, there is still one group in this country that has not benefited from our progress, from our promise, from the very truths upon which this great country was founded.

We're talking about Christians.

Texas students would have greater freedom to express their religious views on school campuses under a bill passed by the House and sent to Governor Rick Perry, who has publicly supported the measure. "Since the answer to all our questions is in the Bible, we want students to have access to that resource," said Perry. "Sort of like SparkNotes, except for everything."

Under the legislation, religious beliefs expressed in homework, artwork and other assignments would be judged by traditional academic standards. Students couldn't be penalized or rewarded because of the religious content of their work. "So when students are asked to explain a chemical reaction and their answer is 'And Then A Miracle Occurred' we think they should at least get partial credit," said Representative Larry Phillips.

Perry was surrounded by children and parents who said their religious speech was quashed at public school. "When my son stands up in the middle of an algebra quiz and shouts 'Jesus Save Me" I think he should be taken seriously," said one parent. "I've seen his grades and that boy definitely needs the intervention of the almighty if he's gonna pass."

Representative Scott Hochberg, a Houston Democrat, argued against the bill, warning it would open up campuses to hate speech. "You know nothing gets hate speech going faster than giving Christians carte blanche to say what they want. Ever hear of Jerry Falwell? James Dobson? Pat Robertson?"

Supporters say the bill, sponsored by Representative Charlie Howard, writes into law protections already provided by U.S. Supreme Court rulings. "Yeah, the Supreme Court is the highest court in the land, but we needed something a little closer to home 'cause you can't trust them Yankee courts," Howard told reporters. "Besides, them rights are for everybody, including the heathens. We needed to close that loophole."

"The only good thing about this bill was the nondiscrimination clause," said Representative Lon Burnam.

"Nondiscrimination? How the heck did that get in there?" Howard asked "Somebody get me the governor on the line. Quick."