Monday, June 29, 2009

Will Those Of You Putting Bullets In The Collection Please Make Sure They're .25 Caliber Or Higher

Astute readers of this blog have no doubt been bitterly disappointed on numerous mean probably have noticed that we are not what one would call fervent when it comes to relations vis-a-vis the big white man watching over us all from the penthouse in the sky. No, we're not talking about Donald Trump, we're talking about god: ruler of the universe; all seeing; all knowing; not a Cubs fan.

Yeah, that guy. Anyway, we've been thinking that if more churches we like the Right Reverend Billie Bob Bubba Pagano's we might reconsider, despite the fact that it's not really a real church anyway, because it doesn't have bingo in Latin. Or something. But back to our story:

Ken Pagano, the pastor of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, Kentucky (You knew it had to be in Kentucky, right?) is inviting his congregation of 150 and others not on probation to wear or carry their firearms into the sanctuary to “incentivize the collection plate” as a promotional flier for the “Pop a Cap on Satan Sunday” puts it.

“God and guns were part of the foundation of this country,” Mr. Pagano, 49, said. "Especially when it came to dealing with non-christians like the heathen Indians. If you don't go for god, you get the gun, hallelujah! Praise that straight shooting deity!"

“I don’t see any contradiction in this," Pagano continued. "And it's not about compensation either, despite what Mrs. Pagano might have told you. Not every Christian denomination is pacifist. Oh sure, Christ was a pacifist, but we're all about the old testament around here. Now watch me lay some smite on that pop can over there.”

The bring-your-gun-to-church day, which will include a $1 raffle of a handgun, firearms safety lessons and a picnic. "Hey, we're going to talk about god too," Pagano said. "The title of my sermon is 'Reloaders: Second Coming, or Antichrist?'"

Of the 40 states with right-to-carry laws, 20 allow guns in churches because, why not? "Helps the little kids sit still longer, when you lay a shotgun across the pulpit before you start your sermon," said Pagano.

Gun-control advocates say they feel increasingly ineffective, especially after a recent spate of high-profile shootings, including last month’s murder, inside a church in Kansas, of a doctor who performed late-term abortions. "Yeah, how about that for the wrath of god, huh?" Pagano said. "And all you catholics got is some lame excommunication stuff. Doesn't even leave a mark."

Mr. Pagano said Sheriff’s deputies will be at the doors to check that openly carried firearms are unloaded, but they will not check for concealed weapons.“That’s the whole point of concealed,” he said. "What if someone spots another abortionist?"

Mr. Pagano said the church’s insurance company, which he would not identify, had canceled the church’s policy for the day and told him that it would cancel the policy for good at the end of the year. "Apparently there's some clause about 'reckless endangerment,' even though I told them we'd all be sober. Well, most of us anyway."

In 1986, John Phillips, pastor of the Central Church of Christ in Little Rocks was preaching in a different church there when a gunman shot him and a parishioner. Both survived, but Mr. Phillips, 51, still has a bullet lodged in his spine. In a telephone interview, he said he found the idea of “packing in the pew” abhorrent. “I don’t understand how any minister who is familiar with the teachings of the Bible can do this,” he added. “Jesus didn’t say, ‘Go ahead, make my day.’ ”

Mr. Pagano takes such comments as a challenge to his faith and says they make him more determined. “When someone from within the church tells me that being a Christian and having firearms are contradictions, that they’re incompatible with the Gospel — baloney,” he said. "Of course, having a gun and bringing that gun to church really aren't the same thing, but whatever, imagine if Jesus had a Glock when he cleaned out the moneychangers in the temple. Bet the Romans would have thought twice before nailing him up then, huh? That's the kind of christianity I'm talking about!"

Oh right, like we're going to take religious advice from someone with 'pagan' in his name.

The Reverend thinks he hears Satan out by the dumpster


Anonymous said...

How come all these blow-farts have beer bellies?
I swear, they cannot get it up, sit it up, or string it up.
A "minister" with a name involving "pagan" is a sure sign any voodoo in that "cockpit" is bloodily satanic. Besides the hissing snakes, chanting and barrels of serpents, looking like "Joe" all the way.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's a toss up what is worse; a pedophile or a pig.
You may be ruined for life with the former, but the latter? Incredibly unstable. No doubt, we'll see him again in the news.
( and one might ask how many "god-fearing" members he has to feed.)

Anonymous said...

To celebrate the "birth of a nation" with guns seems a little 18th century. Why would anyone loving guns need them in church unless you really don't trust your neighbor?
It may be a "right" but so is picking your nose.

Anonymous said...

Good Lord! It's ROVE!

Anonymous said...

It is not a coincidence that the ones toting the biggest mouths in religion, also tote the biggest guns.
Who says we are any different from Iran ,Iraq and Israel?