Suffer Little Children And Forbid Them Not To Come Unto Me...Then You Go Get Some Coffee Or Something.

Last week we told you about Father Amorth who was convinced Beelzebub had gotten himself an all access pass to Pope City. Or at least that's what he thought. Maybe the Exorcisor Father didn't go far enough. Maybe Lucifer's plan goes beyond providing boink material for the pope's gentlemen. Maybe Old Ned and The Whore of Babylon have finally negotiated a price. Maybe those red shoes are a signal. Maybe the current resident of One Vatican City is...



THE MANCHURIAN HOLINESS!!??!!??!ZOMGZOMGZOMG!!!

We mean, come on, how else you going to explain the fact that every scandal except the missing wine from the sacristy has landed square on In Flagrante Benedicto's doorstep almost since before pope previous was cold? Either this guy's got so many skeletons in his closet he takes having a boner to a whole new level, or...would it be irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to. Also, we wouldn't have a post, but at least you got to admit the dude does have the face for it.

Top vatican officials — including the future pope Benedict XVI — did not defrock a priest who molested as many as 200 deaf boys, even though several American bishops repeatedly warned them that failure to act on the matter could embarrass the church, according to church files newly unearthed as part of a lawsuit. "Well, in his defense, this was before congressman Stupak made clear that it was American nuns you weren't supposed to listen to, not the bishops," said a representative of the pope's office of Keeping the Holy Rump in the Veiled Configuration.

The documents emerge as pope Benedict is facing other accusations that he and direct subordinates often did not alert civilian authorities or discipline priests involved in sexual abuse when he served as an archbishop in Germany and as the vatican’s chief doctrinal enforcer."Wait. You said 'doctrinal' enforcer? We thought he said he was the 'nocturnal' enforcer," said one former student. "Well, that explains a lot."

Even as the pope himself in a recent letter to Irish Catholics has emphasized the need to cooperate with civil justice in abuse cases, the correspondence seems to indicate that the vatican’s insistence on secrecy has often impeded such cooperation. "We're sure that's just a problem with translating the letters from Latin," said one vatican official who asked not to be named. "Plus the Irish drink a lot, you know. Lots of possibilities for misinterpretation. Just saying."

Only 20 percent of the 3,000 accused priests whose cases went to the church’s doctrinal office between 2001 and 2010 were given full church trials, and only some of those were defrocked, according to a recent interview in an Italian newspaper with Msgr. Charles J. Scicluna, the chief internal prosecutor at that office. An additional 10 percent were defrocked immediately. Ten percent left voluntarily. But a majority — 60 percent — faced other “administrative and disciplinary provisions.” When asked what those provisions were, Msgr. Scicluna replied, "Spanking mostly. Sometimes being tied up and spanked. That was popular. There was this one guy who wanted us to make his victims spank him. Was that wrong? Should we have not done that? This sex stuff confuses the heck out of us."

Gary Smith said in an interview that he was molested  50 or 60 times, starting at age 12. By the time he graduated from high school at St. John’s, Mr. Smith said, “I was a very, very angry man.”

So that's how the TEA Party got started.

In an interview, Archbishop Weakland, Milwaukee’s archbishop at the time said that he recalled a final meeting at the vatican in May 1998 in which he failed to persuade Cardinal Bertone--second in command at the office called the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, led from 1981 to 2005 by Cardinal Ratzinger--and other doctrinal officials to grant a canonical trial to defrock Father Murphy  who molested as many as 200 deaf boys. (In 2002, Archbishop Weakland resigned after it became public that he had an affair with a man and used church money to pay him a settlement.)

OK, let's get this straight. The dude who was banging the dude he tried to buy off wanted the head dude to rat out the dude who was banging the little dudes. Man. No wonder they write church doctrine in Latin.

Well, there's two sides to every story they say, so let's see what the word on the is street down by St Peter's Basilica and gift shop:

The Vatican strongly defended its decision not to defrock an American priest accused of molesting some 200 deaf boys in Wisconsin and denounced what it called a campaign to smear Pope Benedict XVI and his aides.

Right. And you know that whole crucifixion thing? Totally Christ's fault. Just trying to make the Jews look bad.