Could We Go With TAK For A Reduced Rate?

We're coming to you today from the Department of Good Intentions Misunderstood here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoGIM is a division of the I Was Just Trying To Help Corporation in partnership with I Can Explain, Inc.

It seems a few years ago one Ted Alvin Klaudt got caught up in a bit of a squabble with the local authorities.

Ted Klaudt, 49, a Republican rancher from Walker, faces a long list of charges: eight counts of rape, two counts of sexual exploitation of a minor, two counts of witness tampering, sexual contact with a person under 16, and stalking.

Oh really? That's their story, huh? Mr. Kaludt has a bit of a different take on the situation.

Court documents mention five possible victims. Three were foster children between the ages of 15 and 19 who lived with Klaudt's family. One is a cousin of one of those girls, and the fifth is a friend of Klaudt's daughter. The girls say Klaudt had them convinced they could earn up to $20,000 by donating their eggs to a fertility clinic. And even though he has no medical training, The girls say Klaudt did all the supposed "exams" and "procedures" himself.

See? This is the problem with the legal system. They always assume the worst. Here's poor Mr. Klaudt, trying to help these kids bankroll their college education and you're all "victim" this and "victim" that. The guy should be getting a medal, not a court date. And as for doing the procedures himself, ever heard of saving money? Do you know how much a gynecologist would have charged those kids for that? Could this guy have a bigger heart?

Klaudt used a fake email address from the supposed clinic agent to trick the victims into letting him perform what's supposed to be a surgical procedure. But when investigators questioned him he admitted to much of what the girls allege, including sending messages from the fake email account. Klaudt told investigators the girls asked him to help them donate the eggs. But he admits never sending off a specimen.

Hey, people get busy, you know? We're sure he would have gotten around to it. After all, he was all about the girls' well being.

Five different girls now say Klaudt did things ranging from manual "breast exams" to the painful procedure of actually going inside of them with a speculum and collecting body fluids. The girls say when they cried, Klaudt gave them a beer and told them to toughen up.

There you go. Tough love. Could use more of that these days. Umm...about the beer though. How old did you say these girls were?

The charges reflect alleged crimes against two of the five girls. The most serious of the crimes, 2nd degree rape, carries up to 50 years in prison.

Well that's obviously a judicial over reaction, probably politically motivated what with Mr. Klaudt being a state legislator and all. A...uh...republican legislator. Anyway, we figure it'll be bargained down to giving a minor alcohol by the time it gets to court.

Klaudt's trial on these charges started October 30 at the Hughes County Courthouse. On November 7, the defense rested and the 12-person jury retired to deliberate. Three hours later, Klaudt was convicted on all four counts of second-degree rape. He was sentenced on January 17, 2008, to 44 years in prison.

Three hours? Come on. Is there no place in this country for people who love too much? Is there no place for people whose only thought is the good of others? Think of the children.

There has to be something Mr. Klaudt can do to redress this miscarriage of justice, something to clear his name.

A former South Dakota lawmaker convicted of raping his two foster daughters has sent news organizations what he claims is a copyright notice that seeks to prevent the use of his name without his consent. A letter and an accompanying document labeled ''Common Law Copyright Notice'' said former state Rep. Ted Alvin Klaudt is reserving a common-law copyright of a trade name or trademark for his name. It said no one can use his name without his consent, and anyone who does would owe him $500,000.

Er...um...OK. Not quite what we had in mind, but we're sure Mr. Klaudt has a good reason.

The former lawmaker could not immediately be reached for comment because inmates must be contacted initially by letter and asked to write or call, said Michael Winder, a spokesman for the state Corrections Department.

Yeah, there is that whole being incarcerated thing. Tends to chum up the channels of communication and all. Still, now that the word is out we're sure the media will start treating Mr. Klaudt with more respect.

Laura Malone, associated general counsel for intellectual property at The Associated Press, said names of people, companies and products cannot be protected under copyright law. Names can be protected under trademark law, but only in association with goods or services used in commerce, she said. ''Even if there was a valid trademark, the mere use of the name in a news story is not an infringement of trademark,'' Malone said. ''There is no legal substance to these claims,'' she added.

In Mr. Klaudt's defense, it's really hard to get good legal advice when you only get out of your cell a couple hours a day.

BREAKING: Second Front Opened In War On Christmas

Sweet jumping Jesus on a slice of bread, just when you think you've got the heathens cornered and you're all primed to come upside their little heathen heads with the word of god, the approved word of god by the way, not the versions written by Satan. Or was it Obama? No matter, same difference, Anyway, just when you think you've got Satan by the tail, he comes at you from a totally unsuspected direction.

A nativity scene featuring a dark-skinned Jesus, Mary and Joseph that has gone on display in a Verona courthouse has created heated debate in a city with strong links to Italy’s anti-immigration Northern League party.

Holy crap! Black Jesus? First the English mass and now this? What's next? Gay bishops?

Oh. Well, it's not like the Episcopalians are a real church or anything. We hear they don't even talk in tongues.

The nativity’s appearance coincides with the League’s controversial operation “White Christmas,” a two-month sweep ending on Christmas Day to ferret out foreigners without proper permits in Coccaglio, a small League-led town east of Milan.

Heh. Get it? "White Christmas" because all you darkies need to get to gettin'. But here's our question: We're pretty sure Jesus wasn't an Italian citizen, so if he showed up in your town would you be all like 'let's see the green card there Abdul. Son of god don't cut no ice in this town'?

The Christmas scene — featuring a dark-skinned baby Jesus dressed in a red shirt and lying in a manger — was the idea of Mario Giulio Schinaia, the chief Public Prosecutor in Verona.

Red shirt? Well, there's your problem Mario. Jesus would never be an A C Milan fan.

“It is a useless act of provocation, just like the suggestion not to have a nativity scene at all, in order not to offend Muslims,” Northern League farm minister Luca Zaia told one paper, referring to proposals in recent years that town halls and stores should no longer sponsor Christmas scenes.

Darn straight Luca. And we'd just like to add it's no coincidence that Muslims are brown. Sahria law anyone?

The Northern League is an ally of conservative Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. League proposals have ranged from separate buses and trains for immigrants to banning new mosques and forbidding the serving of Chinese food and kebabs in towns under its control.

Dim sum today, reeducation camps tomorrow.

“There shouldn’t be a white or black Christmas, only a merry Christmas for everyone, of every skin colour, ethnic background and nationality.”

Couldn't agree more. Just make it mandatory for those kebab eating, Chinee speaking ethnics who don't celebrate the birth of the one and only true white son of the true white god amen.

Who do you want hearing your prayers?

Simple Answers To Simple Questions

As an ongoing service to you our reading public, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central will occasionally take time out of our busy day to clarify for you, one or more of the burning issues of the day.

Today we'd like to direct the full laser like brilliance of our wit and wisdom toward the editorial office the Newsweek Magazine which, on the cover of this week's issue (both the national and international versions) pose the dilemma of Tiger Woods and wonders "Why We Can't Look Away."


Because you won't let us.

This has been another edition of Simple Answers To Simple Questions. Thank you for your time.

Joe Lieberman, Angel of Death? We Report You Decide

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the slow drip of days soon becomes a flood and Oh! Fragile Youth swept away from us, becoming the flotsam of time...erm...we mean know we haven't written much about the current health care debate.

That's because we can't quite see what all the fuss is about. Forty six million people have no health coverage. Over 8 million of those are children. And when you factor in the number of under insured folks, well, it's a problem, but this is a democracy and one of the things we do is help those among us who are most vulnerable. You know, right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness and all that.

Profit margins? Not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution we can find.

Anyway, so we figured, once Congress had actually noticed that there was a problem--which we think was shortly after the election of a president who could explain it to then in one syllable words--they'd get right on it. Want to save some money and cover all the people? OK Single Payer.

Oh. Republicans.

OK, let's compromise. A public option would go a long way to helping people avoid dying unnecessarily and would save money as well.

Oh. Republicans. Well, some republicans.

But, thinks us, aren't there more democrats than republicans after the last election? And if we remember right, the party that gets more votes gets to pass the law. So what's the hangup?

Oh. Joe Lieberman.

Senate Democrats who thought they had found a workable compromise on health care reform learned otherwise from independent Joe Lieberman over the weekend. "It's true senator Lieberman told senator Reid he would vote for the health care bill last weekend," said an aide to the senator, "But since senator Reid hadn't said 'Simon says vote for the bill,' Mr. Lieberman didn't feel he was obligated to support a bill he had supported a couple of month ago."

The Connecticut senator, whose vote is critical to the bill's prospects, threatened to join Republicans in opposing health care legislation if it permits uninsured individuals as young to 55 to purchase Medicare coverage. "Nobody supported me when I turned 55," Lieberman told reporters. "Well, I really didn't need it because I was covered under the government health plan. But hey, is it my fault Congress voted itself the primo benes? Now you people want in on that? Who am I? Santa Claus or something?"

Lieberman said of the Medicare proposal, "Though I don't know exactly what's in it, from what I hear, I certainly would have a hard time voting for it because it has some of the same infirmities that the public option did.

Darn straight senator. We're sure that's why the people of Connecticut elected you, to vote against desperately needed legislation based on hearsay.

"It will add taxpayer costs. It will add to the deficit. It's unnecessary," Lieberman said. "We're busy fighting a war here. Two wars. This country doesn't have time to worry about sick people." Let's run up a huge deficit doing something positive like killing bin Laden, not subsidizing some kid in Pittsburgh's inhaler. Priorities people."

Democrats are have some political leverage, however. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination for re-election the last time he ran, in 2006, then won a new term as an independent because the people of Connecticut had been drinking heavily. Recently, however, they woke up, looked over to the other side of the bed and were all like Whoa!.

Democratic Sens. Claire McCaskill of Missouri and Ben Nelson of Nebraska also expressed concern about the legislation. "I'm concerned that it's the forerunner of single-payer," Nelson said. "If we give too many people insurance that actually, you know, insures them, what are the insurance companies going to do for profit centers?"

"My point exactly," Lieberman said. "After all, what good is health insurance if everybody can get it?"

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh yeah baby! It's on now animal rights wacko, tree hugging, communist, atheist, Muslim, socialist America haters! You have angered overlord Phil Ruotolo and he's about to unleash his righteous anger all over your pasty "Awww aren't they cute little doggies" behind.

OK, they are cute little doggies so that insult didn't quite work out the way we intended. Sort of used up the whole overlord vocabulary in that first sentence. But no matter, on with the story. It seems that a while back dog nut Jen Krebs penned an editorial about greyhound racing in which she was all like "Dude. Sucking the life out of innocent animals so you don't have to work for a living is totes uncool."

To which overlord Ruotolo replies, "Your mama."

Now, for those of you watching at home who are not trained in the intricacies of high level rhetorical exchanges, allow us to explicate. Mr. Ruotolo? Your point?

First, more than 90 percent of all registered greyhounds are adopted or returned to the farm as pets or breeders when they retire.

Ha! Well played, Mr. overlord sir. Opening gambit: math. Can't argue with numbers. Advantage overlords. Ms. Krebs? Your response?

In 2006 according to the racing industry there were 3768 litters of greyhounds which were approximately 24,567 animals. Of those, 22,951 were registered to race. Now, subtract 22,951 from 24,567 and we come up with 1,616 dogs that never got registered. There's no record of them at all. Take the 22,951 who were registered to race, subtract the approximately 14,800 that we know were adopted, factor out the 1200 that were returned to the farms for breeding, that leaves 6,951 units unaccounted for. 6,951 is a little less than a third of 22,951 which means about 66% of the dogs were adopted. If we figure in those puppies the number drops closer to 60%.

Hmm...it appears math can go two ways; made up or figured out. Afraid this round goes to the animal rights wacko, Mr overlord sir. Should have read the instructions before you started using your calculator. What else you got?

For example, Grey2K claims that the meat classified by the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) as 4D is unfit for greyhound consumption. In fact, the opposite is true. The USDA labels 4D meat as unsuitable for human consumption, but perfectly acceptable for animals.

Ruh ro, he's got you there Ms. wacko ma'am. Dogs aren't people, no how, no way. Advantage overlord and we feel this round will have to go to...We're sorry, what did you say? Dogs aren't like people except when they're used as models to investigate the effects of E coli food poisoning from 4D meat? Hmm...guess people and dogs aren't that different after all. And what else? If the E coli doesn't get them, the Salmonella will (pdf)? And what else? You haven't even gotten to the toxic mix of disease and additives that made the food animal sick in the first place? The pathogenic smorgasbord? Doesn't sound like any smorgasbord we'd be interested in. Sorry Mr. Overlord, facts beat dreams. Round two to the wacko, but please continue.

Third, to suggest that expanding gambling will hurt greyhounds is simply absurd. If more revenue is available to greyhound tracks, purses will increase, which means that owners and kennel operators will be able to devote even more resources to quality care and adoption programs.

Whoa. He plays the trump card! We all know that the units are priority number one to the overlords and they care about them like family. Certainly with all the tracks closing and going bankrupt all over the country, any new money that comes into the system is going to go right to the care of the animals. We mean, just look at the track record the overlords have, taking care of the units.

OK, bad example(s). Let's just award this round to the wacko and move on before we attract the attention of the authorities.

Fourth, Ms. Krebs argues that greyhound racing should be eliminated because the industry is in financial stress. By this logic, most U.S. businesses should be shut down.

Well now that's a point Ms wacko. We mean, everybody's a little stressed these days, right Linda Cliffel, adoption coordinator for the Central Illinois Greyhound Adoption group?

Cliffel said that some kennel operators, desperate to earn some money with only a few weeks to go in the racing season, are holding onto some greyhounds as long as they can. "My focus is I have to have owners willing to give me their pets so I can adopt them," Cliffel said. The situation has become so desperate for kennel operators that she arranged to ship hundreds of pounds of dog food for the animals still at Dairyland. Some of the kennel operators don't have enough money to feed the dogs.

So broke you can't even feed the dogs, yet you're keeping them in the hopes of them earning you another couple of bucks before the track closes? That's not stress, Mr. overlord sir, that's devastation. And selfishness, but we'll stick with devastation. Sorry. No points for you, but give us your big finish.

Whether you enjoy watching greyhound races, eating meat, wearing leather, fishing, going to the zoo or raising pets, you'd be well advised to keep an eye on these groups and take their deceptive emotional appeals with a grain of salt.

Ah...yeah, well, looks like he's the one being emotional, huh TJ?

TJ is playful, easygoing, and ready to please. He likes affection. He gives kisses and wants to be hugged and loved. He will give you a play stance when he wants to play and he bounces his feet up and down. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. TJ would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be happiest in a home with another dog to keep him company. He likes to “talk”, so he would do better in a single family home rather than a condo. He would do well with an active family that would include him in their activities. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

One More Year Of The Bailout And We'll Be Able To Hire Our Illegal Alien Gardener Back

We're coming to you today from The More Things Change The More They Smell Like Fish Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TMtCtMTSLF is a wholly owned subsidy of the It Works For Us Corporation, in partnership with Too Big To Care, Inc.

It seems that in the last election--which we were told was about change--there's change and there's, well, change.

A day ahead of testimony in which he's sure to be grilled about the controversial taxpayer-funded banker bailout program, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he wants to extend it into late 2010. "History suggests that exiting prematurely from policies designed to provide AIG bonus money can significantly prolong the time it takes for executives to close on that second summer home in Aspen," Geithner wrote in a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The Troubled Asset Relief Program, widely known as TARP, will continue until October 3, 2010 , Geithner said, arguing for prudence in keeping an unpopular program afloat until almost the end of next year. "Well, prudence and the fact that my dividends aren't quite up to the level they were before this crap fest got started," Geithner said.

"We must not waver in our resolve to ensure that no banker will go without that third Lexus just because he or she caused a world-wide economic meltdown the full ramifications of which we still don't understand," he said.

Instead of exiting the TARP, Geithner said its unused balance could still be used to support yacht refitting , to bolster the ability of community banks to ignore local lenders while speculating in mortgage backed Slim Jim futures and to help efforts to restore activity in secondary bond markets where loans are pooled together to hide the fact that they aren't worth the paper they're written on.

Oh wait, they aren't written on paper. They only exist as imaginary data bits in the computer of some drunk physicist who got fired from his teaching job for diddling the co-eds. Even better.

Americans found the idea of using taxpayer money to rescue Wall Street downright offensive. "I understand their feelings," Geithner told reporters. "But this is a democracy. It's not about the will of the people. At least not those people."

Democrats and Republicans alike say they want the TARP to end, but they are they are ones that put it in effect in the first place, so not much more than incoherent babbling is expected from them.

Banks, too, want the program to end, so they can get back to investing in machines that run on carpet lint and turn whale feces into bio-degradable clothing without worrying about some government official expecting them to read the prospectus.

In a teleconference with reporters, panel chairwoman Elizabeth Warren said the TARP was effective in stopping a spreading panic in members only clubs and gated communities. However, she said, the TARP also was supposed to support the broader economic recovery by stemming foreclosures and boosting lending to consumers, and in those aspects it's fallen far short. "We plan to get on that right after we get the year end bonuses paid out," Geithner said.

Pelosi, with the support of President Barack Obama , is now looking to divert some of those TARP "savings" into job creation efforts with the nation's unemployment rate at 10 percent and projected to rise into next year. "Once we make sure the bankers obscene salaries and flagrant spending practices are secured, we plan to focus on people who would like to have a place to live and something to eat," Pelosi said.

Obama has conditioned his support on using some of those TARP "savings" into deficit reduction, while congressional Republicans would like to see if all of it used to knock down the deficits. "Heck, anybody who would support republicans today probably doesn't have marketable skills anyway," said one senate aide. "So why should we worry about unemployment?"

On The Second Day Of Christmas The Jury Gave To Me, Two Not Guilty Verdicts

Whoa. Hey it's deep into War on Christmas season and as far as we know, no one has been trampled to death at the mall.

What's up with that? Have you deserted us in our time of need shopping Jesus? Maybe we ought to check in with some defenders of Christmas and see if they have thrown the devil from the walls of godly consumerism and thus preserved the foundation upon which The Gap was founded.

And what better place to start our search for Knights of the Foundation than in Washington D.C., front lines of the battle to put the Christ back in Black Friday Specials All Week Long with Doorbusters. First up, Chip "Prince of Peace" Pickering.

Former Congressman (and C Streeter) Chip Pickering is reportedly under police investigation for his involvement in a brawl with a rival youth league soccer coach.

Well, in his defense soccer is European, possibly French.

The kicker? Hester claims he was wearing a neck brace at the time of the incident.

Ha ha. Get it? "The kicker." See this is a story about soccer, where homos kick the ball aimlessly back and forth for six hours, then drive home in their Smart cars and drink tea. Can you blame a red blooded American manly man for being upset with this? Does this "sport" even have cheerleaders? Jesus didn't play soccer. Just saying.

Well, anyway, to be on the safe side, maybe we should draw our next example from a more local setting. And what could be safer than the depths of the bible belt, where if they aren't defending Christmas from the godless heathens, they're beating up their girl friends.

OK that didn't come out right.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for an incident that allegedly took place Nov. 15 in Sikeston, Mo. The complaint alleges Jetton “recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body.”

"[T]he loss of the function of part of her body." We really don't want to know what that means, but we have to believe this person brought it on herself, probably by insulting the baby Jesus or something, right?

The affidavit claims the assault occurred during the night and into the morning of Nov. 16. It says Jetton and the victim agreed on a "safe word" "to use as a stop word during intercourse."

Now before you go all getting on your high horse or anything, we have it on good authority that Mary Magdalene liked it rough too.

It's also a little known fact that Jesus encouraged the use of safe words and probably wouldn't have been crucified at all if he had remembered his safe word, "can-opener." There was some controversy about this when, in a post resurrection press conference, Jesus insisted that he had used the word, but since cans hadn't been invented yet, no one understood and they went ahead with the execution anyway.

Several biblical scholars attribute this mis-communication to the fact that most of the apostles died horrible deaths.

But back to our story. It seems defenders of the faith are out defending the faith by acting like two Wal-mart shoppers arguing over the last Charmin Ultra Soft 12 Mega Roll Pack leaving the rest of us to find our own way through this confusing season...but wait, here's senator Ben Nelson, long standing icon of the righteous and the upright. Tell us senator, guide us truly through the chaos.

The coathanger amendment is back, as Ben Nelson promised it would be. It's very close to the Stupak language, and the critical language that expands the amendment drastically is identical.

Oh...umm...wait! We get it. It's a metaphor. The season is about protecting the legacy of the baby Jesus from the godless homo atheist Muslims just as senator Nelson is protecting women's bodies from...ah...women.

We're going to have to get back to you on this.

It's Bad Enough We Let Them In School. We Have To Drive Them Back And Forth Too?

You know the schools are in pretty bad shape when it's left to the bus drivers to protect us from the homo invasion.

A cell phone video of a Lansing School District bus driver harassing a student about her sexual orientation has legislators, gay activists and anti-bullying advocates crying foul.

Oh sure, take the side of some geeky teenager against Bus Drivers For Jesus.

Chinea Larkin, the 10th grade student of the district, told the station: “When I got off the bus, I stood up and was about to get off the bus, she was like, ‘now you can get your gay self off my bus.’ Well, she said ‘get your gay tail off my bus.’”

Henh henh. She said 'tail.'

In the video, the unidentified woman bus driver can be heard saying to Larkin: “Hopefully you and your little girlfriend don’t get lost in your unsaved lives.”

Darn straight. It says right in Paul's second letter to the Village People, "Let them lesbos walk their swishy little behinds back and forth to school, for only the righteous shall ride and moon passing cars."

Lansing School officials announced that the bus driver was on administrative leave in the hope that this will all blow over. "Hey, come on. It's just a little name calling," said one district spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous. "It's not like there's been any harm done or anything."

Kevin Epling, the co-director of BullyPolice U.S.A. an anti-bullying program is a member of the Safe Schools Coalition which has been working for nearly a decade to pass comprehensive anti-bullying legislation in the state of Michigan. Epling is involved because his son, Matt, committed suicide after being the victim of bullying and the legislation is named Matt’s Law after the East Lansing teen.

Oh. Yeah. Well, there is that, huh Mr. Spokesperson? Wonder why we can't get a law protecting these kids.

The law came close to passing the Michigan Senate during the lame duck session nearly a year ago, but it died when Sen. Alan Cropsey, a Republican from DeWitt, refused to allow the Republican-controlled Senate to vote on the compromise bill pending before the chamber. It passed the Michigan House earlier in the year.

"Don't much like the homos," Mr. Cropsey told reporters.

“This incident in Lansing is an example of why anti-bullying laws are needed in our schools in Michigan. Bullies come in all sizes; it’s extra insidious when it is an adult against a child,” said Alicia Skillman, executive director of the Detroit-based Triangle Foundation.

"Yeah, but it's a gay child," Cropsey added. "It's not like she's going to grow up and do anything important or anything"

Carol Wood, an at-large Lansing City Council member said she was “saddened” by the event, but joined Penny Gardner, president of the Lansing Association for Human Rights, in applauding the other students on the bus, including the youth who video taped the incident. “These students should be commended for the fact they stood up for one of their own and said this is absolutely not acceptable,” Wood said.

"What? The kids came to the defense of that little lesbo?" Cropsey asked. "See? See how deeply the homosexual agenda has penetrated our schools? Why, in my day we'd a beat them homo germs right outta that girl."

Well, on the bright side Mr. Cropsey, when Jesus returns at least we'll all be properly dressed and the country will be very neat.

Friday Hound Blogging

One of the things we've been looking forward to since the election is the return of efficient, effective government. We're sure we don't have to tell you that things got a little...erm...loose during the Bush administration when the primary consideration for any government position was could you quote the bible from memory and did you like war.

Well, no more. Say what you will about President Obama, he's at least bringing expertise and accountability back to government and that new attitude is trickling down to state and local levels. No where is that more apparent than in Tucson, where, as you may recall, overlord Joe Robinson (Wally's Veterinary School and Truck Driving Academy class of 1995) was injecting female greyhounds with steroids in direct violation of a city ordinance.

Now, when Kim Janes, who is responsible for enforcing the ordinance first heard about that, she was all like what. ever. But, it's a new day in Tucson, it's a new attitude and defying the will of the people will no longer be tolerated, right City Manager Enrique Serna?

More than a month after Dr. Joe Robinson defiantly admitted administering the drug, it's unclear what enforcement action has been taken by South Tucson, where the track is located.

Oh yeah baby! It's On! How you like us now Dr Joe? Bet it's not so much fun when the man gets all up in your grill and...wait. What?

According to Serna, the legalities aren't so clear-cut as they might seem. "I'm hearing all kinds of different things legally," he says. "I haven't even heard yet whether there's a position by (John) Munger from the track."

OK, now we're not lawyers or anything, but are you telling us the overlords get to tell you whether you can enforce a law or not? Isn't that sort of like asking a bank robber if stealing is illegal?

Local attorney John Munger, who represents Tucson Greyhound Park, is also a Republican gubernatorial candidate. He did not return phone calls from the Tucson Weekly seeking comment because he was out looking for President Obama's birth certificate. Nor were calls returned by Robinson or track manager Tom Taylor who had to work a double shift down at the Quickie Mart.

"But the quick of it is that we have been following up," Serna says. "If by 'following up' you mean doing nothing. I believe we are well on our way to getting something resolved here. If by 'something' you mean nothing."

Man. You guys need to be more like overlord Wayne Wrout. Now there's a guy who has the best interests of the units in mind. We mean, highest level of care and all that, right Mr. Wrout?

Scarsdale greyhound Not Mum's Choice has battled injury for most of his career, but will hope to put that behind him when he contests tonight's Ballarat Cup heats, 450m, at Morshead Park. Wrout, who said he was offered $40,000 for the dog unraced, said he frequently visited vets to diagnose an injury."He went undetected for about nine months with a broken wrist," Wrout said.

Yeah. Nine months with a broken wrist, because then it like, heals on its own, you know? Cheaper that way. But what did the vet say?

"We had him x-rayed a couple of times and it never showed up."

Really? A "couple of times" huh? Who did the X-rays, Joe Robinson?

But it wasn't until Wrout was directed to Des Fagan that the injury was noticed - the leading vet used his computer to zoom in on the affected area, which showed a crack in a metacarpal of the right front wrist.

Right. Probably should have been suspicious when the other X-rays were done with a flashlight and a piece of carbon paper, right Amber?

BB’s Backhoe AKA Amber is very friendly, outgoing, playful, and easygoing. She is affectionate. She will stand and lean against you for attention. She would love to be a lap dog. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Amber would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Wal-Mart! Motto: Working Here Is Better Than Standing Out In The Rain. Almost

We're coming to you today from the Department of Outrageous Demands. The DoOD is a wholly owned subsidy of the Think What You'll Do To My Dividend Corporation in partnership with 65 Billion Just Doesn't Buy What It Used To, LLC.

It seems the boys of Mordor are once again to be punished for innovative and forward looking business management practices.

Wal-Mart, the world’s largest retailer, has agreed to pay $40 million to as many as 87,500 current and former employees in Massachusetts, the largest wage-and-hour class-action settlement in the state’s history.

Oh crap. Is this about the wimminz again?

The class-action lawsuit, filed in 2001, accused the retailer of denying workers rest and meal breaks, refusing to pay overtime, and manipulating time cards to lower employees’ pay.

Or what is known in the Wal-Mart Store Manager Training Manual, as Standard Operating Procedure.

“The magnitude is large - it’s bigger than most settlements paid in wage-and-hour cases,’’ said Justin M. Swartz of New York-based law firm Outten & Golden LLP, who has handled similar cases, including a pending case against Wal-Mart.

Wait, Wal-Mart just lost a case that resulted in the largest payout in the state's history, and there is still another case waiting to be decided? "Yeah," said Swartz. "Wal-Mart is kind of my 401k. I'll be collecting off them about as long as they keep trying to pay people with Froot Loops."

Under the terms of the settlement, neither side is allowed to comment. But in an affidavit filed with the settlement, the lead counsel for the employees, Philip Gordon of Boston’s Gordon Law Group, said, "We've pretty much given up trying to get them to wrap their heads around the idea of a 'living wage', now we'd just like to get them to grasp the concept of 'wage.'"

“For many employers, this settlement will serve as a reminder to take the payment of earned wages and benefits seriously." Gordon wrote in the affidavit. "For Wal-Mart it's a few more bucks out of the petty cash drawer, then back to business as usual."

This isn’t the first wage case settlement against Wal-Mart in Massachusetts. In September, the retailer settled an investigation of violations of state meal-break policies, agreeing to pay $3 million. "Pay 'em, feed 'em, treat their boo boos. What do you want from us? We're they're employer, not their mommy," said one Wal-Mart spokesperson.

Workers approached yesterday by The Boston Globe at a Wal-Mart parking lot in Raynham declined to comment on the settlement, pointing to the security cameras mounted on the building. "Later, one Wal-Mart employee met a reporter in a restaurant and wanted to know if "You're gonna eat those fries?"

Sean Blais, who worked at a Wal-Mart in Weymouth for a year before he was fired for drinking water at work, said he thought the accord “seems reasonable.’’ Blais, 19, said while he did not notice any discrepancies in his pay, he routinely had trouble scheduling breaks during his shift. You got a 15-minute, unpaid break, but you usually had to fight to get it,’’ he said.

When asked to explain 'fight to get it' he took the reporter around to the back of the store and showed him a large pen containing several pit bulls.

David Reis, chairman of law firm Howard Rice’s labor and employment practice in San Francisco, said Wal-Mart has probably already addressed the alleged practices in the suit. “Given that this suit was filed more than eight years ago, I would expect that any alleged suspect pay practices have been remedied by Wal-Mart long ago," said Reis. "Of course I also believe that rainbow unicorns tell me magic stories when I'm sleeping."

Dick Cheney Always Wins. No Wait, That's Chuck Norris. Man, Hope They Never Get In A Fight

Hey, our good friends at Politico interviewed Dick Cheney. Wonder how they found him--undisclosed location in the man sized safe and all. Oh, right. He's the guy in the Parka.

OK, not so hard to pick out of a crowd, but anyway since Sarah Palin was doing a bus tour across the nation in her jet, we guess the Politico boys decided to lay their madd reporter skillz on Cheney 'cause that's what Sean Hannity would have done. Or maybe William F Buckley. Potato potahto.

Oooh, oooh, maybe they'll do an analysis of Cheney's poll numbers like they did for Sarah.

Awww, rats. They're asking about Afghanistan. Well at least that gives Cheney a chance to own up to the strategic and tactical errors he made and begin to rehabilitate his legacy. Regardless of what you think of the man it's only fair to give the man a chance to set the record straight and make his peace with the nation.

In an interview with the Politico, former Vice President Dick Cheney attacked President Obama over Afghanistan -- and also insisted that the Bush administration is not responsible for the situation in that country.

Yeah. We understand Mr. Cheney. We're sure you were doing what you thought was best at the time, and couldn't have foreseen the calamity you were unleashing on the world when you...what did you say?

Cheney was asked if he thinks the Bush administration bears any responsibility for the disintegration of Afghanistan because of the attention and resources that were diverted to Iraq. "I basically don’t," he replied without elaborating.

You...but...Iraq...we...uh...

Wow.

Barkeep, we'll have what he's having.

All without challenge from Politic reporters Mike Allen and Jim VandeHei.

Uh, yeah. You going to challenge a guy sitting there with a shotgun on his lap?

Catholic Church! Motto: Leading The Way To Irrelevancy In The 21st Century

Well, if this doesn't just dominus your vobiscum. It seems certain muckity mucks in the church catholic are a bit peeved at Patrick Kennedy because he had the temerity to suggest that women should have some say so in the use of their bodies.

Where do people get crazy ideas like that, Bishop Tobin?

Bishop Thomas Tobin, the Roman Catholic leader of Rhode Island, confirmed he had asked Kennedy, a congressman for the north-eastern state, to refrain from taking Holy Communion because of his support for abortion. "Now, I want to make very clear that we're still happy to take his money," Bishop Tobin said. "But when it comes to holy snack time, NO HOST FOR YOU!"

OK, before we go on we'd just like to say that we do recognize the potential for a bunch of jokes concerning the whole Kennedy family and the use of women's bodies, but it's Monday after a holiday and we're a little ragged around the edges, so you want Kennedy jokes, be our guest. Now, back to our story:

Tobin defended his stand against Kennedy, saying in a statement on his website that he "sought to provide solely for his spiritual well-being."

Darn Straight. We mean, the church is all about moral guidance and spiritual well being. Isn't that so Tom Sweeney, Mannix Flynn and Christine Buckley?

A 2,600-page report, published Wednesday following a nine-year probe into child abuse by Ireland's fading Catholic religious orders, painted a damning portrait of a system that protected child-molesting church officials while consigning generations of Ireland's poorest children to misery. The five-volume report on the probe — which was resisted by Catholic religious orders — concluded that church officials shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest amid a culture of self-serving secrecy.

Right. Because children are the most vulnerable and most in need of protection and safety from...wait, what was that?

"A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from," Ireland's Commission to Inquire Into Child Abuse concluded.

Oh. Well...uh...OK. Hey, kids are resilient, right? It's that whole being young thing. They get over it. But poor people, now there's where the church can really shine. What you do for the least of my brethren and all that, right?

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.

Look, it's a matter of making the best use of limited resources. Most of these people are going to hell anyway, and that Kennedy guy will be leading the way, so what do you want from us? Consistency?

Malus bonum ubi se simulat, tunc est pessimus.¹

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we sometimes end this phrase with some sort of smart Alec comment. Ha! Got you there, didn't we? You're all thinking that Ironicus...so predictable.

Yeah? How you like us now Mr. and Ms. mouths agape in shocked disbelief?

Agape. We like that word. It's one of our favorite words, along with lugubrious.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, frequent readers of this blog know that on the occasion of Friday Hound Blogging we like to make light of the overlords' shall we say, lack of intellectual wattage. This, as you may imagine is not a challenging task.

However, this week we have set the bar substantially higher (insert your own Stoli joke here--we're busy). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this week we are going to describe for your reading pleasure how a person who is highly educated, experienced and capable can be dumber than an overused cat box. This week we are going to conclusively demonstrate for you that Stephen Gamble, President of Eastern New Mexico University is an idiot.

Several weeks ago, APNM learned of an ill-conceived plan by Eastern New Mexico University (ENMU) to acquire two greyhounds from a now-closed Arizona race track and turn them into live mascots with no permanent home. APNM is joining what is a nationwide debate over ENMU’s inhumane proposal to use the two dogs as campus mascots, and to keep them permanently warehoused on campus without long-term and consistent human companionship recommended for domestic dogs.

See, because their sports teams are called the Greyhounds. Get it? They're going to get a couple of greyhound right off the track, stick them somewhere around campus, hope someone will take care of them, then trot them out at football games and such in front of drunk screaming fans to liven up the day.

What could possibly go wrong?

President Gamble told APNM that ENMU plans for a half-million dollar renovation to the grim warehouse building where the dogs will be kept during the day. APNM visited the dim interior warehouse space and found it crowded with tall piles of crates and boxes. Chain link and barbed wire fencing surround what is proposed as the dogs’ daytime back yard; the space is entirely devoid of shade. The enclosed “yard,” reportedly being cleared by backhoe of shards of glass and pottery seeded by the archaeology department for student use, is an otherwise barren plot of packed earth.

OK, is there anyone out there who believes this renovation has anything at all to do with the dogs or there is even the slightest possibility any of their needs were taken into consideration when it was planned? Raise your hand if you do. Didn't think so. Let's recap: We're going to get ourselves a couple of dogs, stick them in a warehouse and hope we can get somebody to look in on them from time to time, then pull them out and make them run around while people scream at them. That about it?

Did we mention President Gamble is an idiot?

President Gamble was unable to tell APNM who the dogs’ trainer would be, what the trainer’s background is, or exactly when or how any caretakers would be trained.

He was also unable to tell APNM how he ties his shoes, how he feeds himself, and how he gets home after work. He was, however, able to describe each of the shiny things he keeps in his desk drawer.

The website of Greyhound Connection, which is supplying the dogs, says that “Separation anxiety may hit Greyhounds harder than some breeds because Greyhounds seem to be more sensitive than most others.”

Right. So here's our question Mr. Greyhound Connection, sir: Why are you even considering letting this Bozo adopt two of your dogs? You got a bet with him about who can be more stupid in less time?

Hey Tootie, what say we all send President Gamble a little note and let him know what we think of his plan. If he gets someone to turn his computer on for him, you can reach him at Steven.Gamble@enmu.edu

Too Tall AKA Tootie is a bit shy and she is learning to trust people. She enjoys pets and is starting to seek attention. She enjoys playing with toys. She has an energetic playful side, which comes out first thing in the morning and when it is time for a walk. She has a very cute face with distinct worry lines. Tootie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs, once she gets to know them. Initially she is a bit shy with them. She would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holidays

Hey, how about a little triple H before you attempt your yearly overdose on tryptophan? Frequent readers of this blog know the lasting gifts of the holidays are despair and regret...er...we mean know that Hounds Home for the Holidays is a long standing tradition here in the marbled halls of IM Central that we remember whenever we're sober enough (Hey, come on, it is the holidays after all) in which we spend a little extra time trying to find a couch for a deserving ex-racer.

And this year there are more than a few skinny dogs out there with their bags packed waiting for a cab, because as you probably know, the last track standing in Wisconsin is closing down. Further, as you may imagine in any endeavor involving the overlords this has occasioned no small amount of confusion regarding all sorts of issues, not the least of which is the number of greyhounds affected. Estimates range for 300 to 900 with several stops in between.

This should not surprise anyone. We mean, look who is in charge of the census. These are overlords folks. People who get it wrong two out of three times when you ask them how many beers are in a six pack. Truth is they just don't know how many dogs are in their charge, because heck, who counts? They come, they run, they go. What are we, their keepers or something? Do you know how many light bulbs you have in your house? How many tubes of tooth paste? Didn't think so.

The overlords are quick to remind us though, that because of their kind benevolence (and the law in Wisconsin) they will not be killing the dogs willy nilly.

Ellen Paulus of the Wisconsin chapter of Greyhound Pets of America. "Wisconsin law mandates that no dogs can be put to sleep in our state just because their racing careers are completed," she said. "Dogs have 3 options: transfer to another track and be killed there if they don't win, go into adoption programs, or be signed back [to] their owners who will either kill them or sell them for medical research."

It's all about what's best for the dogs people.

So, what we do know is that the overlords are about to dump beaucoup dogs on us either because they care so deeply for them, treat them as family and are concerned that they are protected and safe, or the dogs can't help make the trailer payment anymore, so phhhhhtt who cares? You decide.

Anyway, if you are so inclined there are several ways you can contact a rescue group in your area to help. Adoption is nice if you are in a position to provide a couch, but money is always appreciated because the dogs will come with all their injuries, illnesses and scars, both physical and emotional. Some will need massive amounts of TLC, and/or Veterinary expertise.

One thing that almost anyone can do with a little training is fostering. Short term needle nose nurturing has the benefit of getting the pooch out of the euthanasia system and into the adoption system, buying some time because the overlords' loving patience only lasts until the next bill comes due. And rent-a-parents aren't so bad when compared to kennel life are they Jay?

Jay is a real comic and ‘smiles’ with a full-tooth grin when he sees someone he likes. He has all the typical greyhound traits. He is outgoing and playful, and sleeps in the ‘cockroach’ position – on his back with his feet in the air. He also likes to shadow people and looks lovable when he wants his ears scratched. Sometimes Jay is a ‘collector’ and will gather his toys in the dog beds around the house. He knows when it’s his supper time and will remind you if you forget by dancing around to get your attention. Jay would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs, and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

OK, But Don't Expect A Card On Mother's Day

Much as we'd like to tell you that our parents were maladjusted sociopaths--it would make the empathy quotient of the biopic we plan to have made about our lives after we become famous more attractive to the female demographic, we have to say that all things considered they were really pretty run of the mill. Oh sure, our old daddy subscribed to the indentured servitude school of child rearing (I brought you into this world so you owe me, now get in here and change the channel on the tee vee) and our sainted mother's theory of illness on school days was if it isn't bleeding, take an aspirin and get on the bus, but by and large they pretty much stayed within normal parental conventions.

We needed a momma like this one.

A police officer in a small US town used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old girl after he said her mother gave him permission to do so. "At first she wanted me to shoot the girl, although she did say I should try and make it just a flesh wound," the officer said. "In retrospect, I probably should have tased the mother."

Now the town's mayor is calling for an investigation into whether the Taser use was appropriate. Well, sure it was appropriate," said a neighbor. "I mean the mother was willing to french fry her little girl for misbehaving. Think what she would have done to the cop if he'd told her no."

Ozark, Arkansas Officer Dustin Bradshaw's report said the girl screamed, kicked and resisted any time her mother tried to get her in the shower before bed. "since neither one of us had ever experienced a disobedient child before, her mother told me to 'curl that little cracker's hair' if I needed to," he wrote.

The child was "violently kicking and verbally combative" when Mr Bradshaw tried to take her into custody and she kicked him in the groin. "She called me 'gross' and said my momma was a 'stinky pants,'" he added. "I considered calling for backup."

Now, let's get this straight. The average height and weight of a 10 year old girl is 4' 3" and a little over 70 pounds. Even if she kicked him in the...um...gonadal area how much harm could she do? And does he usually try to take people into custody by presenting his private parts to them?

The names of the girl and her mother were redacted in the report, but everyone knows who they are because when the girl walks by a light bulb it flickers.

Mayor Vernon McDaniel said he wants Arkansas State Police - and if they decline, the FBI - to investigate the incident. State police have said they didn't want to have anything to do with "a bunch of crazy hillbillies," and the FBI won't say whether it is involved. "If she didn't wiggle over state lines while she was flopping around after he zapped her, we're not interested," said a spokesperson for the Little Rock FBI office.

"People here feel like that he made a mistake in using a Taser, and maybe he did, but we will not know until we get an impartial investigation," he said. He made a a mistake? What about the mom? What's she going to do when the kid gets older and misses curfew? Call out the National Guard?

Police Chief Jim Noggle said no disciplinary action was taken against Mr Bradshaw. He said Tasers are a safe way to subdue people who are a danger to themselves or others. "Well, except when it kills you," he said.

"We didn't use the Taser to punish the child - that was just a sort of added benefit," he added.

Mr Noggle said the girl will face disorderly conduct charges as a juvenile in the incident. "Tried to get her charged as an adult," Noggle said. "But the prosecutor said it's hard to do that with people who still play with dolls."

The girl's father, Anthony Medlock, said that his daughter has emotional problems but that she didn't have a weapon and shouldn't have been Tasered. "What's next?" he asked billy club her because she won't eat her peas?"

"My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal," said Mr Medlock, who is divorced from the girl's mother and does not have custody.

Might want to reconsider that arrangement Mr. Medlock. Just saying.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, no more tracks closed this week. How about that overlords? Got to take your victories where you find them, no? So, since you don't need to convince people that what's left of western civilization will collapse if you lose your minimum wage no benefit job this week, what to do? What to do?

Oh, we know, fleece the rubes.

Welcome to the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the internet.

Hmm...being the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the web is sort of like being the tallest ballerina in Wabash Indiana.

Due to overwhelming demand our pick sheets are now free.

OK, we're not economists or anything, but doesn't increasing demand cause the value of something to go up?

Honestly, these picks are not the exact picks I play and my players play. We reserve the best of the best for ourselves. However these picks are most likely the best you will find anywhere.

Umm...so what you're telling us is if we're stupid enough to listen to you we deserve what we get?

Charging money for pick sheets is more of a hassle than anything else. We could never charge what they are really worth .

Right, because who wants to make money anyway? Cheapens the challenge and all that. Besides, since our picks are the ones you don't bet, we're sorting of getting what we paid for.

Our picks are made using a method I developed over 10 years ago and have been using ever since.

Yeah. Uh, would that be the method we get, or the one you "reserve" for yourself and your players?

I also train a limited number of players to play on the pro level each year.

The pro level? There's a pro level of rubes? Is that like the people who can actually tie their own shoes level?

We no longer teach the pencil / program method of handicapping.

Got it. Need people who can read and write for that.

I have been training players since 2005 and have many satisfied students, including some who play to earn income.

Some who play to earn income? What do you think the rest play for Madison? Shiny trinkets?

Madison is very affectionate. She will approach people as soon as they come into the house. She likes to lean against you, will nuzzle her head against you, and gives kisses. She likes hugs and nose rubs. She is hilarious to watch. She is like Bambi on ice with the wood floors. She is playful in the morning and likes to play with her family and other dogs, although she is an early to bed girl. She is a quick learner. She is very animated – She will look you right in the eyes like she is communicating with you. Madison would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do well in an active family that would include her and she would make a great meet and greet girl. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Republicans! Motto: We're Thinking Of Changing The Elephant For A Fainting Goat

We're coming to you today from the super reinforced, double secure, reverse air pressure, extra padded anti-super terrorist bunker here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We've been down here since we found out Magneto is coming to New York.

Attorney General Eric Holder is defending his decision to put the professed Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in New York — and urging critics of the plan not to cower in the face of terrorists. "I thought you were only afraid of black people," Holder told the committee.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Let's see, is he the guy that can make himself invisible or the one with mind control powers?

Holder is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where republican lawmakers are likely to wet themselves over the attorney general's decision last week to send KSM and four alleged henchmen from a detention center at Guantanamo Bay to New York to face a civilian federal trial.

KSM? Isn't that a classic Rock radio station on Portland?

President Barack Obama, meanwhile, said that those offended by the legal privileges being given to Mohammed by trying him in a civilian court ultimately won't find it "offensive at all when he's convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him."

Darn straight Mr. President. Um...Those are the courts where you're innocent until proven guilty, right?

Obama added that he did not mean to suggest he was prejudging the outcome of Mohammed's trial.

OK, sorry. We must have misunderstood "when he's convicted" or something.

Critics of Holder's decision — mostly Republicans — have argued the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to spout hateful rhetoric.

Yeah, we see what you're saying. If there's anybody who knows about spouting hateful rhetoric, it's the republicans. Point of order: Will Mohammed get to carry misspelled signs or posters of Obama as the Joker?

In remarks prepared before the hearing, Holder says such concerns are misplaced, because real life isn't like episodes of 24 and any pronouncements by Mohammed would only make him look like a Palin supporter. "Who you think this guy is anyway, Wesley Pruden?" Holder said.

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy," Holder says. "Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm, and our people are ready." Several reporters heard a reply to Holder's comments from senator Kyl, but could not understand him as he refused to come out from under his desk.

The president echoed Holder's comments about the New York trial. "Come on republicans," the president said. "Man up."

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists are space ninjas and that prevents us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, is due to the republicans watching too many X-Men movies ," Obama said in an interview with CNN. "And I'm sorry if that makes Glenn Beck cry," the president added.

Opponents of the plan, including Holder's predecessor Michael Mukasey, have accused him of adopting a "pre-9/11" approach to terrorism. When asked to explain what that meant, Mukasey said he wasn't sure but he'd heard Rudy Giuliani use it and thought it sounded "macho."

Fox News! Motto: At Least We're Not As Dumb As Our Audience

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the sweet release that comes with the complete abandonment of ambition...er...we mean have come to rely on us for their daily dose of cutting edge satire and pithy political commentary.

If by "come to rely on" you mean, Hey, now that we've read what the adults are saying, let's go see what Ironicus has written. But first let's have a drink. Ironicus always makes more sense after a drink.

Tru dat. The point is, in our ongoing efforts to add to the number of minutes in your life you wish you had back, we occasionally have to make certain...umm...adjustments to the quality of our output. Or, as Blogmistress Jenna puts it: a "blog that contains a mix of successful, moderately successful, and far less successful posts."

Hahahahaha! Students. Aren't they cute? Always so...focused.

But we digress. The reason we tell you this is to establish our credentials in the area of phoning it in and, having established said credentials would like to offer the following advice to our friends at Fox: Dudes. Take a day off.

President Obama's deep bow to Japanese Emperor Akihito on Saturday may not have violated any official protocol, but critics of the presidential act of deference nevertheless say he's guilty of bad form.

Guys. Come on. When the best you've got is our president bowing to the leader of a country where bowing is as much a part of the culture as shaking hands over here, you really got nothing.

Seriously. You. Got. Nothing.

Believe us. We know about having nothing.

Look, we all know it's easier to make fun of the fact that Obama is polite and knows that there are different customs in different cultures than to actually study his polices and develop a cogent argument against them. Not to mention that you'd lose two thirds of your audience fifteen seconds into a show like that. Well, maybe if you called it Helth Kare Debait. That might hold them for a little longer.

But never mind. Forget that. We know it's not your mission anyway. Your mission is to convince people with...um...limited talents to vote against their own best interests. By scaring them. But think about it. What kind of return are you going to get for this? Do you really expect tea baggers will be out running around the country shouting "Obama treats people with respect and dignity! Omygod!! Omygod!! Omyfreakingod!!"

Well, OK, that could happen, but if you want to reach out to people with IQ's above that of fingernail clippings you've got to come up with something that has a little more sizzle, a little more oomph. Day after day telling us that Obama has manners, Obama is educated, Obama can walk an chew gum at the same time just gets old.

Trust us. We know about stuff getting old. Just ask Jenna.

How Do You Say "Klaatu Barada Nikto" In Latin?

Oh man, this is really going to tick off Lou Dobbs.

The Pope's chief astronomer--well, his only astronomer-- has conceded other intelligent beings could exist in outer space provided they're not lutherans. "We're talking intelligent life here," the astronomer said. The conclusion has been drawn by members of the Yorba Linda High School Science Club called in by the Vatican to study the possibility of extraterrestrial life and its implications for shifting the blame for all those anal probes priests are accused of. "This pope likes to think outside of the box," said one vatican official.

Aliens. And they're coming from outer space. How do you build a wall against that?

The Vatican's five-day conference attracted 30 astronomers, physicists and biologists, including non-Catholics and other humanoids.

Thirty? You call a conference and you only get thirty people? We got more than that over to watch the Star Trek marathon. Course we had to buy the beer, but let's not quibble. We can see why you let in people from the fake churches. How come the low turn out padre?

It has been four centuries since the Catholic Church locked up Galileo for challenging the belief that the Earth was at the center of the universe.

Yeah. Church does tend to hold a grudge, huh? Plus it's not like the pope has gone all Carl Sagan on us anyway, is it?

The conference was was held in the apartment of Jesuit priest Father Jose Gabriel Funes, an astronomer and director of the Vatican Observatory and gift shop which does not have its telescope pointed at the convent across the street so don't even go there. Father Funes says the possibility of alien life raises "many philosophical and theological implications, especially if they have the concepts of money and donate," but that the gathering was mainly focused on the scientific perspective and what we can do to get rid of it.

One of the organisers was Chris Impey, a professor of astronomy at the University of Arizona. He says the aim was to spend a weekend speaking Klingon only and assess the most recent research around the question of what Sarek ever saw in an earth woman.

"And also getting a sense of when, you know, the Vulcans will make contact," he said.

"If you were going to take a set of bets of the 30 scientists gathered for that meeting, I think most of them would have said the first Star Wars trilogy was the best," Impey added.

Dr Paul Collins, a former priest and now Church historian, Catholic commentator, and official spokesperson for the pope's soccer team says a belief in extraterrestrial life does not necessarily contradict any basic tenets of the Catholic religion. "Especially if they're ugly," he added. "I mean, figure it out. We were made in god's image, so if aliens show up and they look like spiders, or goats with faces we just say those are the prototypes before god worked out the glitches. Wham bam, problem solved. It's sort of like what we used to do with black folks before civil rights."

"Essentially what the Christian faith generally is saying and certainly Catholicism specifically is saying is that God is the ultimate source of life, the ultimate source of reality," Collins said. "Which is why we have to expose Glenn Beck for the Mothman that he is."

The views of the Catholic Church have shifted radically since the Italian philosopher Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake as a heretic in 1600 for speculating other worlds could be inhabited. "Yeah," Collins said. "Now we just hack your Facebook page and photoshop the devil's face over yours on all your pictures."

And Dr Collins sees no problem with where aliens might fit in with the belief that man was created in God's image. "Every creature reflects the goodness and the creativity of God. Humankind, well, white western humankind we certainly would argue represents that most fully and most completely," he said. "Which is why alien will be the new black. Or maybe the new gay, it depends if they're bigger than us or have more arms or laser eyes or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, what's this? Green shoots in Massachusetts?

“Here in Massachusetts, we’ve really in much of our manufacturing made a transformation to true 21st century advanced manufacturing. Sixty percent of the more than 700 firms we talked with actually expected to add jobs between now and 2017,” Northeastern University political economist Barry Bluestone said.

Well, that's encouraging. Maybe we underestimated overlord Doug Pizzi spokesman for the industry group Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Especially the Handlers. After all, he was all about saving jobs and supporting the economy through the heartless exploitation of innocent animals..er..we mean continuing greyhound racing. Apparently he's having an impact. Good times are coming back to Raynham Taunton, no doubt thanks to Mr. Pizzi's hard work.

After more than 60 years of operation, the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park is now just seven weeks from closure, due to the upcoming statewide ban on dog racing.

See, that just goes to show you what a small group of dedicated individuals can do when they...wait a minute...what?

The inevitability of that shutdown was apparent in the mood at Wednesday’s public hearing, held by the state Racing Commission, on the track’s request for a slate of race dates for 2010. While the commission had until next Sunday to make a decision, commissioners didn’t bother waiting. They took a vote to dismiss the dog track’s application.

OK, let's recap. Raynham Taunton closes and the economy in Massachusetts gets better? Is that what you are saying?

Well, we're sure that's just a coincidence. We mean, look what's going on in Wisconsin where the Dairyland track is contributing to the good economic health of the state.

The last of Wisconsin's five greyhound race tracks is closing at the end of the year. The operators of Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha said the track will end racing Dec. 31. Dairyland executive Roy Berger said the track has lost $17 million over the last seven years, including a $4 million deficit in 2009.

See, you take a thriving industry like unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing and it can carry a state through tough economic times just like...umm, did you say closing? Man, that has got to devastate the state.

The national economic recession remains severe but the bottom is in sight and Wisconsin is expected to show recovery in employment and personal income starting in 2010, according to the quarterly Wisconsin Economic Outlook released today by the Department of Revenue.

OK look, just because the economies of two states begin to improve as soon as they shut down greyhound racing is no reason to jump to conclusions. We're sure there's a rational explanation. There are plenty of states with vibrant, flourishing economies and operating tracks. States like...ah...um...well...Oh, Arizona. Yeah, Arizona where greyhound racing means the state has been pretty much recession proof.

Phoenix Greyhound Park today announced it plans to close its live racing on December 19 as a result of the challenging economy and increased competition.

Rats. OK, let's have the rest of the bad news. Greyhound track closes, economy improves. Go ahead lay it on us.

The Arizona and national economies are going through a painful readjustment that will take awhile to complete, according to economists who spoke at an economic outlook forum sponsored by the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Track goes down, economy goes up. Look we still...wait, what did you say?

“It’s time to lower expectations,” said Elliott Pollack, an influential Scottsdale-based economist and chief executive of Elliott D. Pollack & Co. “The outlook is mediocre next year.”

Ha! Well, there you have it folks, proof positive that just because a state gets rid of greyhound racing doesn't mean its economy will improve. Right there in Arizona, track closes, economy still no better off.

Somebody call overlord Pizzi. He's probably feeling a little down about the whole thing, perhaps the news for Arizona will help him to avoid the realization that his life is basically a coffee stain on the universe for a while longer. Just tell him Arizona is still hurting even though their track closed.

Wait. We're sorry. What did you say Pilfer? Arizona isn't like Massachusetts and Wisconsin because there's still a track in Tucson? Oh. Well that explains the whole lowered expectations thing then, doesn't it?

Pilfer is affectionate and loving. He likes to kiss your ears and other dog’s ears and faces. He is starting to play with toys. He likes to collect his toys and will take them to his crate. He can be found in the cockroach position – on his back with his feet in the air. Pilfer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

OK, But Don't Let Fox News Report On The Crowd Size*

Whoa. Here's a scary headline:

Sarah Palin Determined to Strike in US

OK, we're paraphrasing, but the point is the formerly super secret triple lockdown stealth speaker (available for conventions, meetings and bar Mitzvahs--call for rates) is about to GET IN YOUR FACE you liberal, commie, socialist...umm...liberal, socialist, commie, something something BAD! Did we mention you're a communist?

Last year's Republican vice presidential comedy star is starting a book tour next week to promote her graphic novel, "Glowing Rouge: Coco Rose In America." Yeah, and this time she actually read it too, so get ready to have your cute little buttocks handed to you Couric. Umm..we mean she wrote the book.

Is it a thinly-veiled bid to test the waters for a possible 2012 Republican presidential bid, or simply an effort to make money and cement her celebrity status?

Uh, yes?

"From Michigan, the 'Glowing Rouge' tour will cover as much of the country as possible," Palin had somebody write this week on her Facebook page. "I've decided to stop in cities that are not usually included in a typical book tour. And by that I mean places where the illiteracy rate tops 20%."

Hahahaha! Get it? Because the book will sell best in places where people can't read. See? That's funny...wait. She's coming here?

The walking, talking carnival ride, who's often listed in the 2012 Republican presidential field because, well, really, who cares, will make her mark on copies of "Glowing Rouge" at Barnes & Noble Auto Body in Grand Rapids at 7 p.m. Nov. 18.

Oh, Grand Rapids. Pyramid scheme central. Coincidence? We think not.

Palin remains as unmedicated as ever, beloved by third grade dropouts and derided by people with good personal hygiene, a year after bursting onto the national stage with her wink and her photo of Putin that she took from her porch with Republican presidential nominee...uh...Jim?...Joe?...What was that guy's name again?

Yet there is no denying her star status in the Republican Party, where she is often mentioned alongside possible Republican candidates in 2012, such as Ronald Reagan, Barry Goldwater and Herbert Hoover, all of whom suffer form the distinct disadvantage of being dead. Like the republican party.

"Obviously she is going to be a major player for some time to come," said Saul Anuzis, former chairman of the Michigan Amway Party. "I mean, come on. All you need to be a major player in the republican party today is a pre-existing mental condition."

The tour is a chance at a fresh start for Palin who resigned as governor of Alaska last summer after growing tired of fending off ethics violations accusations from critics. "I'm ready to do that on a national level," she told reporters.

A CNN poll reported last month that more than seven in 10 Americans think Palin is not qualified to be president. Republicans were split, with 52 percent saying she's qualified and 47 percent making doodles in the margin of the survey.

Aside from some paid speeches, Palin has largely communicated via her Facebook page. "Well, in her defense, LOL and OMG are about the only two words she can spell," said an aide who asked not to be identified.

*Right Jon?