What's up with that? Have you deserted us in our time of need shopping Jesus? Maybe we ought to check in with some defenders of Christmas and see if they have thrown the devil from the walls of godly consumerism and thus preserved the foundation upon which The Gap was founded.
And what better place to start our search for Knights of the Foundation than in Washington D.C., front lines of the battle to put the Christ back in Black Friday Specials All Week Long with Doorbusters. First up, Chip "Prince of Peace" Pickering.
Former Congressman (and C Streeter) Chip Pickering is reportedly under police investigation for his involvement in a brawl with a rival youth league soccer coach.
Well, in his defense soccer is European, possibly French.
The kicker? Hester claims he was wearing a neck brace at the time of the incident.
Ha ha. Get it? "The kicker." See this is a story about soccer, where homos kick the ball aimlessly back and forth for six hours, then drive home in their Smart cars and drink tea. Can you blame a red blooded American manly man for being upset with this? Does this "sport" even have cheerleaders? Jesus didn't play soccer. Just saying.
Well, anyway, to be on the safe side, maybe we should draw our next example from a more local setting. And what could be safer than the depths of the bible belt, where if they aren't defending Christmas from the godless heathens, they're beating up their girl friends.
OK that didn't come out right.
The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for an incident that allegedly took place Nov. 15 in Sikeston, Mo. The complaint alleges Jetton “recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body.”
"[T]he loss of the function of part of her body." We really don't want to know what that means, but we have to believe this person brought it on herself, probably by insulting the baby Jesus or something, right?
The affidavit claims the assault occurred during the night and into the morning of Nov. 16. It says Jetton and the victim agreed on a "safe word" "to use as a stop word during intercourse."
Now before you go all getting on your high horse or anything, we have it on good authority that Mary Magdalene liked it rough too.
It's also a little known fact that Jesus encouraged the use of safe words and probably wouldn't have been crucified at all if he had remembered his safe word, "can-opener." There was some controversy about this when, in a post resurrection press conference, Jesus insisted that he had used the word, but since cans hadn't been invented yet, no one understood and they went ahead with the execution anyway.
Several biblical scholars attribute this mis-communication to the fact that most of the apostles died horrible deaths.
But back to our story. It seems defenders of the faith are out defending the faith by acting like two Wal-mart shoppers arguing over the last Charmin Ultra Soft 12 Mega Roll Pack leaving the rest of us to find our own way through this confusing season...but wait, here's senator Ben Nelson, long standing icon of the righteous and the upright. Tell us senator, guide us truly through the chaos.
The coathanger amendment is back, as Ben Nelson promised it would be. It's very close to the Stupak language, and the critical language that expands the amendment drastically is identical.
Oh...umm...wait! We get it. It's a metaphor. The season is about protecting the legacy of the baby Jesus from the godless homo atheist Muslims just as senator Nelson is protecting women's bodies from...ah...women.
We're going to have to get back to you on this.
’)
