One More Year Of The Bailout And We'll Be Able To Hire Our Illegal Alien Gardener Back

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It seems that in the last election--which we were told was about change--there's change and there's, well, change.

A day ahead of testimony in which he's sure to be grilled about the controversial taxpayer-funded banker bailout program, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he wants to extend it into late 2010. "History suggests that exiting prematurely from policies designed to provide AIG bonus money can significantly prolong the time it takes for executives to close on that second summer home in Aspen," Geithner wrote in a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The Troubled Asset Relief Program, widely known as TARP, will continue until October 3, 2010 , Geithner said, arguing for prudence in keeping an unpopular program afloat until almost the end of next year. "Well, prudence and the fact that my dividends aren't quite up to the level they were before this crap fest got started," Geithner said.

"We must not waver in our resolve to ensure that no banker will go without that third Lexus just because he or she caused a world-wide economic meltdown the full ramifications of which we still don't understand," he said.

Instead of exiting the TARP, Geithner said its unused balance could still be used to support yacht refitting , to bolster the ability of community banks to ignore local lenders while speculating in mortgage backed Slim Jim futures and to help efforts to restore activity in secondary bond markets where loans are pooled together to hide the fact that they aren't worth the paper they're written on.

Oh wait, they aren't written on paper. They only exist as imaginary data bits in the computer of some drunk physicist who got fired from his teaching job for diddling the co-eds. Even better.

Americans found the idea of using taxpayer money to rescue Wall Street downright offensive. "I understand their feelings," Geithner told reporters. "But this is a democracy. It's not about the will of the people. At least not those people."

Democrats and Republicans alike say they want the TARP to end, but they are they are ones that put it in effect in the first place, so not much more than incoherent babbling is expected from them.

Banks, too, want the program to end, so they can get back to investing in machines that run on carpet lint and turn whale feces into bio-degradable clothing without worrying about some government official expecting them to read the prospectus.

In a teleconference with reporters, panel chairwoman Elizabeth Warren said the TARP was effective in stopping a spreading panic in members only clubs and gated communities. However, she said, the TARP also was supposed to support the broader economic recovery by stemming foreclosures and boosting lending to consumers, and in those aspects it's fallen far short. "We plan to get on that right after we get the year end bonuses paid out," Geithner said.

Pelosi, with the support of President Barack Obama , is now looking to divert some of those TARP "savings" into job creation efforts with the nation's unemployment rate at 10 percent and projected to rise into next year. "Once we make sure the bankers obscene salaries and flagrant spending practices are secured, we plan to focus on people who would like to have a place to live and something to eat," Pelosi said.

Obama has conditioned his support on using some of those TARP "savings" into deficit reduction, while congressional Republicans would like to see if all of it used to knock down the deficits. "Heck, anybody who would support republicans today probably doesn't have marketable skills anyway," said one senate aide. "So why should we worry about unemployment?"