We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department today. The DRD is located in the McCain '08 plaza and just south of the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Laser Tag Emporium. Perhaps you've noticed that George Bush is running for a third term in the guise of John McCain. And you thought androids left the race when the Mittster dropped out.
Addressing the Veterans of Forgotten Wars, McCain criticized Obama and Clinton and insisted that last year's U.S. troop buildup in Iraq brought a glimmer of "something approaching normal. If by 'normal' you mean complete apocalypse, and by 'glimmer' you mean makes a black hole look like a 1000 watt bulb in a darkroom."
Despite a recent outbreak of heavy fighting and a U.S. death toll that has surpassed 4,000 pulling out now would jeopardize recent gains, McCain said. When asked to list those gains McCain referred reporters to the improvements in the menu offered at base cafeterias, and increased sports and exercise opportunities for troops stationed in the Green Zone. "They're gonna be there a while," McCain said. "Might as well make them comfortable."
"I do not believe that anyone should make promises as a candidate for president that they cannot keep if elected," McCain said. When asked if that position referred to him as well, McCain agreed and said he didn't plan on making any promises anyway. "Elect me if you like things the way they are," he told reporters. "Now let's all go to my house for a cook out so you can keep being objective when it comes to reporting my positions on endless war."
"To promise a withdrawal of our forces from Iraq, regardless of the fact that we don't even know what we're fighting for and we're destroying our military doing it, is the height of irresponsibility," McCain said. "It is a failure of leadership. Of course it was a failure of leadership that got us into this mess in the first place, but I'm all about the future."
McCain said U.S. forces should be allowed to remain until the next ice age takes hold, saying the year-old "surge" overseen by Patraeus has led to dramatic reduction in violence except where it hasn't and "opened the way for a return to a pre-industrial age life style for the average Iraqi."
McCain used the word "reckless" four times to describe the Democrats' position, saying they are promoting a rational course of action to try to save lives, restore our faltering economy and begin to rebuild our shattered reputation abroad. "What kind of America would that be?" he asked. "Is that the kind of America you want for your children?"
With security gains in Iraq still hallucinatory, Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker were expected to say in congressional testimony that further withdrawals of American troops should be put on hold after 20,000 come home by July. "We've definitely turned a corner," said a spokesperson for General Petraeus' office. "And if things keep going well, we'll probably only need a few thousand more troops sent over by the end of this year."
McCain, dubbed the craziest white dude on the Senate Armed Services Committee by people not invited to his cookouts, said chaos in Iraq has been undeniable thanks to the U.S. troop build-up, and has led to the recent surge in violence. Later in a clarification from his office, a spokesperson explained that McCain had inadvertently taken his wife's medications and was uncharacteristically lucid for a brief period.
McCain said the troop increase is working to bring security to Iraq. "There is no doubt about the basic reality in Iraq: we are no longer staring into the abyss of defeat, we've taken a flying leap over the cliff I for one say, enjoy the ride, it's a volunteer army after all, what do we have to lose?"