Monday, September 18, 2006

A Public Service Announcement From Ironicus Maximus

OK, more full disclosure. We spent six years as inmates of the Catholic Educational System. That's six long years of daily mass, fund drives for which we shamelessly sold cheap statues of the Virgin Mary at obscenely inflated prices (and hence learned first hand the meaning of the phrase, the end justifies the means) and Sister Victorine bashing us on the knuckles for being left handed in penmanship class, then telling us to offer our suffering up for the pagan babies. Apparently the nuns believed that if a baby died before it was baptised it went to heaven's waiting room and had to stay there until enough of us had paid the price of admittance with our own sorrows. How, or if the pagan babies returned the favor was never explained to us.

Hence we feel uniquely qualified to speak to our Islamic friends in the current matter of the pope's faux pas.

Guys. Calm down. No one actually listens to the pope. Besides, even if they did, the guy's army is made up of men in sissy pants. No, the pope isn't the one you have to worry about. You want to worry about someone in a funny hat, worry about this guy.

Now, we're not saying the pope actually likes Muslims or anything...come guys are the competition. Does Walmart like Sears? But if you expect to see Benedict and Osama in a steel cage ain't happening.

Sure, sure the pope quoted an obscure medieval text that criticized some teachings of the Prophet Mohammed as "evil and inhuman" instead of talking about the Inquisition, but you have to be loyal to the home team, right?

Besides, what have you got to complain about? A few cartoons? A line in a lecture that probably put everyone to sleep five minutes after it started? Pish tosh. Well, there is the bombing and invasion thing, but that's not just because you're Islamic.

Anyway, you want persecution? Check out what American Christians have to go through: Recently, a woman in Houston, Texas was ordered by local police to stop handing out gospel tracts to children who knocked on her door during Halloween. Christian parents have to contend with My Space corrupting their children. And don't even get us started about the homos.

Oh sure, we know what you're thinking. Constitutional protection of freedom of religion and all that, (plus nobody's bombing them) but let us tell you that don't mean nothing when you got boobs on the tee vee. No, not those boobs, these boobs. OK, technically just a boob, but you get the picture.

Look, all we're saying is you have to suck it up a little bit. Only holler when you're hurt, know what we're saying? When someone declares a war on Ramadan, come and see us. Until then, Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walk in to a bar...

No comments: