Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Change Is Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

We're coming to you today from the Department of Political Strategerization here in the marbled halls of IM Central. As a public service, the DPS in conjunction with the Holy Crap! What Are We Going To Do Now Consulting Group, will offer some suggestions to the McCain campaign as they attempt to convince people that the senator wouldn't recognize George Bush if he passed him on the street.

See, the problem is that 81% of the people in the country think that times are not as good as they could be. The other 19% were evangelical christians so their responses where spoken in tongues. When asked how they would respond to a continuation of Bush administration policies into the term of the next president, 62% ran screaming from the location, 19% engaged in projectile vomiting, and 19% said it didn't matter anyway as gay marriage will destroy the planet.

Yes, well gay marriage aside, you can see senator McCain's dilemma. You can't? Try this:

A picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case 270 electoral votes, so we applaud the McCain campaign's We're Different Tour.

With voters sour on the status quo, Republican John McCain plans to spend the next five months arguing that he has a history of fighting to reform government. "In his 26 years in Washington, the senator has consistently fought for change," said a spokesperson. "Change from peace to war, prosperity to recession, and oversight to laissez faire.

McCain told an audience last week, he long has taken a bipartisan approach to fixing the country's ills. When asked if saying the enemy in Iraq was celebrating Democratic efforts to end the war, or that Hamas was supporting Obama were examples of his reaching across the aisle, McCain admitted that reaching across the aisle "with a baseball bat" probably wasn't the most productive of strategies, but he was "going to work on his anger issues."

McCain will start making his case in earnest during a prime-time speech in the New Orleans suburb of Kenner, La., a searing symbol of government inaction after Hurricane Katrina. "Now it's true, I didn't lift a finger for you folks after the hurricane," McCain said. "And I haven't done squat for you even as the scope of government ineptitude became obvious over the last three years, but that's about to change now that I want to be president. Get it? Change. That's my new theme. Change me fro a senator to the president."

The Republican nominee-in-waiting plans to draw contrasts with Obama on a range of issues and argue that the Democrat offers the wrong kind of change while he offers the right kind. "What kind of change do you want?" McCain asked. "Do you want peace? Do you want prosperity? Do you want a government that can tell its elbow from a hole in the ground? Then I'm not your guy."

"The message is change. It's real change. I think it's clear I have a record of working across the aisle. Senator Obama does not. When asked why Obama would have trouble 'working across the aisle' the senator explained that "Obama is a black man, and you know republicans are afraid of minorities."

"I think it's my record of reform and efforts to change the way we do business in Washington," McCain said. "He has the most liberal voting record of any senator in the U.S. Senate." When it was pointed out that the conservatives have been in power in Washington for the last eight years and a liberal vote would be, by definition, a vote for change, McCain responded that the Sunni's were being trained in Iran.

Later the campaign issued a clarification explaining the senator's medications were being rebalanced and he had meant to say Obama was a Sunni because he wouldn't join McCain on a trip to Iraq to view the improving situation there. "And yes, we know what you're thinking," said one aide. "But we'd bring him back too."

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