Friday Hound Blogging

Last week we told you about the plight of poor overlord Ursula O' donnell who, through no fault of her own, was forced to pay some low life in Alabama $230 bucks for offing some of her dogs...er...we mean for helping her right size her inventory.

Well, of course the animal rights wackos were all over her on this, so when the poor woman went back to work after the charges against her were dropped because the guy in Alabama up and died they were all like, "Hey Ursula. Who you gonna get to kill your dogs now huh?" And she was all like, "Layoff jerks. I paid my debt to society. Well, actually I paid my debt to the guy who killed my dogs, but it's all the same to me."

You just can't satisfy some people though, and the Prius driving, latte drinking puppy huggers just kept pushing and pushing and pushing until finally the guy that owned the track came along and was all like, "Hey. The last thing we need around here is people watching what we do, so Ursula, you're aloha babe."

Now, you'd think that would be the end of the story. The wackos would be off to the next alleged incident to put their Calvin Kliens in a twist, Ursula would head off to Walmart greeter school and start on her next career, well really her first career since the dogs did all the work in this one, and things would get back to normal around the track.

No way baby. Overlord Ursula don't play that.

O'donnell is speaking out. "I feel like I was let go for no reason. I was cleared of all charges back on January 24th, 2005. I mean, sure it's because the guy in Alabama died and the case fell apart, but let's not pick nits here, OK?"

"I have never met Robert Rhodes a day in my life, and I have never been to Alabama prior to this case, where they said I crossed state lines and met with this guy. I sent my check through the mail, and within thirty days of him killing my dogs too. No late fees for me."

Now, she says she wants to expose what she believes to be illegal practices by the greyhound industry."Ursula going down, you all going down," she said.

Ah, nothing like high standards, huh Jack?

Jack is a very happy dog with a ‘windmill’ tail when he is pleased. He is friendly and will approach for pets and will put his body right against you for pets. He doesn’t give ‘kisses’ but snuffles your face. He likes to play with toys. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be okay as an only dog.

We Will All Come Together At The Church Of The Magic Eight Ball

You know, when the final history of this great country of ours is written, one of the things that will not be an issue is the damage we did to ourselves due to government intrusion in the marketplace by over regulation.

A spiritual counselor has filed a lawsuit against Chesterfield County in U.S. District Court in Richmond, claiming that the county is discriminating against her and her beliefs through over-regulation.

But we could be wrong about that.

Sophie King says Chesterfield is violating her constitutional rights to free speech, free exercise of religion and equal protection by failing to differentiate between fortunetellers and spiritual counselors.

It's been our experience that spiritual counselors are much better dressers, plus their tents don't smell like cat box.

King, who claims to be the latter, said she should not be subject to county requirement for fortunetelling businesses, which include a background check, character references, zoning restrictions, and a $300 business license tax.

Now why would the government be interested in someone who says, "Give me $50 and I'll tell you who you're going to marry"? This is just the kind of unwarranted intrusion that's ruining the entrepreneurial spirit in America.

"The law is ridiculous and totally unfair. It reminds me of the Dark Ages," said King, who has worked as a psychic for 17 years and who reads Tarot cards and provides other spiritual counseling.

Tell it sister. Say what you will about the Dark Ages, one thing we can all agree on is that it was a time of rampant governmental over-regulation of the...erm...prognosticating industry. Hey wait a minute. Tarot cards count as spiritual counseling? Does the pope know about this? There's bound to be an angle he can work there. We mean, they got Tarots for everything else, why not an all saints Tarot?

King claims she is not a fortuneteller -- a term she says carries negative connotations -- because she does not predict the future. Rather, she "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance," according to the lawsuit.

Yeah. It's a shame we live in such a closed minded society that the contribution of fortune tellers is lost to us, and even more disheartening that a person who "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance" is caught up in that same prejudice. Umm...quick question though. Does this mean that she's just a fortune teller who can't tell time?

County Attorney Steven L. Micas filed a motion to have the suit dismissed "for a number of reasons. The plaintiff asserts that she's a religion, but in fact she's just a business and subject to the normal regulations that affect businesses," he said.

OK, we're not lawyers, or theologians or anything, but is it possible for one person to be a religion? Aside from Peyton Manning we mean.

King moved to Chesterfield in October 2008 from Los Angeles and began a spiritual-counseling business.

Moved in from Los Angeles huh? Why are we not surprised?

Texas! Motto: Please Don't Point When You Laugh

Oh, Texas. Where would we be without you? You're like the Santa Claus of stupidity, handing out presents to all the good little boys and girls. But you don't just come once a year, oh no, you're like the 24/7 Santa. You're Santa on steroids. You don't furtively slip down the chimney in the dead of night, you walk right up to the house in broad daylight, kick the door in and stand in the foyer shouting, "Hey. Look At ME! I don't know my elbow from a hole in the ground and I'm proud of it!"

It's a good thing we don't get paid for writing this blog, because if we did we'd probably have to turn our salaries back in on days Texas is our topic. It's just too easy, even for us.

In its haste to bleed any semblance of educational value out of the state's social studies curriculum standards, the State Board of Education tossed children's author Bill Martin, who died in 2004, from a proposal for the third-grade section. Board member Pat Hardy, R-Cementhead, who made the motion, cited books he had written for adults that contain "very strong critiques of capitalism and the American system."

I don't care if he's dead," Hardy said. "He's still a comminist."

The book on Marxism was written by Bill Martin, a philosophy professor at DePaul University in Chicago.

"Chicago?" Hardy said. "Round these parts we call that Moscow on the lake."

Trouble is, the Bill Martin Jr. who wrote the Brown Bear series never wrote anything political, unless you count a book that taught kids how to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hardy said she was trusting the research of another board member, Terri Leo, R-Spring-loose, when she made her motion and comments about Martin's writing.

Oh. Would that be Dr. Terri Leo, Harvard educated Rhodes Scholar and Pulitzer prize winning political historian?

Leo had sent her an e-mail alerting her to Bill Martin Jr.'s listing on the Borders .com Web site as the author of Ethical Marxism. Leo's note also said she hadn't read the book.

Guess not.

"She said that that there was what he done wrote, and I said: ' ... It's a good enough reason for me to get rid of someone 'cause serving on this here Board of Ed gecation takes up a lot of my time and I can't be reading any o' them subversive books with all them big o fancy words and such,' " Hardy told reporters. "Why some days I don't even have time to watch my stories."

In an e-mail exchange, Leo said she planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin. Leo, however, said she wasn't asking Hardy to make any motions. She said she didn't do any research. "Since I didn't check it out, I wasn't about to make the motion. 'Sides my stories was on," Leo said.

Right. So when you said you, " planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin." What you really meant was you weren't "about to make the motion."

We're beginning to see why Texas education is having problems.

For some, the mix-up is an indicator of a larger problem with the way the elected board members have approached the update of state curriculum standards.

We're going to go ahead all call it the Three Stooges do Readin,' Ritin' and Rithmetic approach, co-staring Laurel and Hardy.

Leo said, adding that she never meant for her "FYI" e-mail to Hardy to be spoken about in a public forum. "Lord knows the less folks know what were a doin' up here the better," Leo said.

Ah, we wouldn't worry. Since you don't know what you're doing, no one else will either. Oh, wait. That's sort of the problem isn't it?

Montana! Motto: Off Our Meds And Right As Rain

We're coming to you today from the That's Just What They Want You To Think Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TJWTWYTT is a wholly owned subsidy of the Acme Aluminum Foil Corporation (home of the Ultracap, Blocks mind control rays used by all government agencies and discovered alien races), in partnership with This Is All Because Of Fluoride, Inc.

It seems some of the boys in Montana have been spending a little too much time in the Fortress of Solitude.

Members of the group who were allowed out on day passes presented the county officials with a questionnaire/agreement last week that included a petition signed by about 175 loco residents. The cover letter on the questionnaire said the document was designed to serve as an affirmation to county residents that the officials will abide by their oath of office and uphold both the federal and state constitution both of which the group wants to ignore, suspend, revoke and just generally forget because THERE ARE VOICES IN THE WOODS OUTSIDE THE FORT!!

The letter was signed, “A representative of those who attached their names but we ain't signin' nothin' cause the terrorists will steal our identities.”

“We are a group of concerned citizens,” Robert Gairing of Stevensville said. “I’m a concerned citizen … as that, we need to know definitively whether or not our public officials will defend their oath and our constitutional rights and be willing to take positive constitutional action on our behalf by ignoring the constitution."

The questionnaire includes 10 points on a variety of topics, including:

• The requirement of all federal employees and other U.S. representatives to obtain written permission from the sheriff with the support of the county commission prior to approaching any county citizen.

"Don't want none o' them federal employees and other U.S. representatives cooties," Gairing said.

• Prohibiting mandatory vaccinations.

"That there makes ya inter one o' them gay fellers," said one letter signer. "Real men don't need none o' that anti biotic. Why, one time me and old Jesse was out a huntin' and he fell offa his horse. Broke his leg in two places. I give him a shot o' whiskey and told him to walk it off. He's just fine today. You'd never know he had a wooden leg.

• Prohibiting entrance into the county by all employees of the federal Environmental Protection Agency.

"That's just another word for comminist," Gairing said. "Probly fags too."

• Requiring the sheriff to form and command a county militia composed of able-bodied citizens 18 and older. “Women must serve, but not in a combat capacity unless the men are in danger of being overrun.

"We got to be ready when them hispaniards come looking for their land back," Gairing said. "Now, havin' the wimmen in the fight don't set well with me, but my Mabel, she can shoot the ear off a fly at fifty paces and it'd sure give me a comfort to know she was back there case old Santa Ana had some tricks up his sleeve."

The questionnaire said that failure to comply with the county official’s “lawful obligations” will result in an immediate suspension and a grand jury hearing. When asked who would serve on the Grand Jury, the group’s founder, Mona Docteur, said "Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson."

We're Thinking About Using The Unemployment Lists To Start A Trap-Neuter-Return Program

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the futility of ambition in the face of a world governed by blind chance...er...we mean will recall the hilarity which ensured the last time we visited the Palmetto State.

Well, it seems they're about to have themselves one of them there elections to replace governor Horn Dog, and the leading candidate is Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has compared giving people government assistance to feeding stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, and apparently neither am I because I am about to say one of the most fundamentally stupid and heartless things any candidate for public office has ever said while allegedly sober. She told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. See, if you don't feed the poor people, they'll die off and you won't have to take them down to the river in a bag with rocks in it like old Uncle Jedidiah did with the barn cats. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that and we all know who I'm talking about here, but just in case you don't his initials are NAACP," Bauer said.

Ed's Note: You know, we were tempted to let this article stand just the way he said it because, really, how much more stupid can you add to South Carolina stupid? Ultimately though, we decided to take it as a challenge.

Bauer told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else. So when I said, 'You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply' I really meant that poor people should learn to eat stray animals."

"You see, for the first time in the history of this country, we've got more people voting for a living than we do working for a living which wouldn't have happened if those meddling Yankees had let us keep the poll tax the way god intended."

Later in his speech, Bauer said, "You think I can't get any more stupid? Watch this: I can show you a bar graph where free and reduced lunch has the worst test scores in the state of South Carolina," adding, "You show me the school that has the highest free and reduced lunch, and I'll show you the worst test scores, folks. It's there, period. Which validates my theory that poor people are dumb as well as poor."

Bauer said there are no "repercussions" from accepting government assistance. "Well, unless you consider being poor in South Carolina a 'repercussion because idiots like me can say things like this in public and get taken seriously."

He said government hasn't made requirements to make those receiving aid be more responsible. "You know, like governor Sanford, or Roland Corning, or Strom Thurmond. "

Tymeco Gregory grew up in a single-parent home in which, he said, his family relied on free-lunch programs at school to survive while struggling to pay bills. "If I didn't get any money or help with food for school and stuff, we probably would have to go without eating at school," Gregory said. "We don't have a lot of extra money." Now an 18-year-old freshman physics major at Wofford College, Gregory credited a support system from Furman University's Bridges to a Brighter Future program and government assistance with helping him achieve his goal to attend college.

"See, that's just the kind of free loader I'm talking about," Bauer said. "What kind of name is 'Tymeco' anyway? He can't be no christian boy."

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, one of the things that really ticks off the overlords is when those animal rights wackos go sticking their noses into the way racing is regulated and controlled. We mean, who needs a bunch of know it alls who've never had to...er...reduce excess inventory telling them how to over see their business?

The overlords do just fine by themselves thankyewverymuch. What we mean to say is they run a tight ship. There are rules, you know? Protect the units...er...dogs; weed out the bad apples, stuff like that. You want to mistreat your dogs, or cut corners? Well, overlord don't play that homie. Pack your bags 'cause you're gone. Right Ursula O'Donnell?

A woman arrested on felony charges for helping kill more than 2,000 greyhounds from all over the state has been training racing dogs again in Florida as recently as last week.

Right. 'Cause noting is more important than the safety and well being of the dogs. The overlords go to great lengths to see that anyone who doesn't treat them humanely and professionally is...wait a minute...what did you say?

Ursula O'Donnell was charged with felony animal cruelty in November 2002 after allegedly hiring an Alabama man to shoot and bury greyhounds under her care.

Oh. Uh...erm...yeah...look there has to be a simple explanation. The industry would never allow cruelty like this to go unpunished. After all, the dogs are like family. Well, family that you abandon when they can't make you anymore money, but still, maybe family like in laws, yeah something like that.

O'Donnell denied knowledge of the operation at the time -- she claimed her employees sent dogs to Rhodes without her knowing.

Ah, there you go. This poor lady was the victim of heartless, criminal employees. She's caught in the middle and guilty only of being too trusting. Here she thought everyone loved the dogs as much as she did, only to find out there are evil people in the world. Can you even imagine the pain she felt, the sorrow, the despair when she realized her beloved dogs had been sent to such a cruel fate when she thought they had all been adopted by a reclusive millionaire?

A criminal investigation by the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation found a check written by O'Donnell to Rhodes for $230, dated just before Rhodes' arrest. Using Rhodes' standard pricing, that was the fee for the execution of 23 dogs.

See? It wasn't like...uh...she didn't...ah...in her defense, Rhodes killed over 1000 dogs, so 23 is like...well...she wasn't...er...it's not like...OK we're going to have to get back to you on that.

You'd think such a thing would preclude an individual from working with greyhounds ever again, but as of the start of this year, O'Donnell was listed as the "trainer of record" for Free Spirit Kennel, which races dogs at the Naples-Fort Myers Track and Entertainment Center. That means that O'Donnell is personally responsible for the welfare of 50 to 75 dogs.

Hey, come on. We're trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, overlords. Work with us, will you?

Then, around January 10, about the same time the track was notified about a current investigation, Ursula was no longer listed as the trainer of record for Free Spirit Kennel.The Naples track is owned by the Miami-based Havenick family. "This was just brought to our attention," Izzy Havenick said. "She never worked for us in any way, shape, or form. All of the kennels are owned and operated completely independently. But as soon as we found out, we asked the kennel to make the change, and they did."

Bam! Right on! See animal rights wackos, the system works. You cut corners and put the dogs in any kind of jeopardy and you're history, you're yesterday's news, it's hasta la vista baby! Now will you get your Birkenstock wearing, Chai tea drinking, premium dog food buying noses out of our business?

Free Spirit Kennel's new trainer of record is Ryan O'Donnell.

Aww crap. We're trying to help you out here. Throw us a bone, will you Izzy?

Havenick said he never met Ursula or Ryan O'Donnell and doesn't know what their relationship is.

Yeah. You own the track but you don't know who works there. Come on, you can do better than that.

"O'Donnell is a very common name in dog racing," Havenick said.

Alllll righty then. That's your story and you're sticking to it. Hey look over there, it's Kristi...uh...O'Donnell and she's looking for a home.

Kristi is shy and reserved. She will start to play by herself, but if something goes flying – she will scurry away. She enjoys playing with the family dogs in the yard. She is generally quiet, submissive, and easygoing. She runs very fast in the yard. Kristi would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, ages 10 and up. She is shy, so she would benefit with another dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: He is learning his manners and “no”. He is doing well in the foster home.

Thus God Said Unto Moses, Remember The Screen Printers And Hold Them In Your Hearts

OK this has us a little worried. See, Michigan, home state to the marbled halls of IM Central, is right next to Ohio, and as we have discussed before, god is not the greatest aim. We're just afraid that there's a hurricane or an earthquake coming with Uniontown's name on it, and we're going to become collateral damage. Anybody have Pat Robinson's number?

Of course with a name like Uniontown it was only a matter of time anyway before the deity got his smite on, being all upper management and stuff. Don't find nobody singing Pete Seeger songs in the bible you know. Just saying.

Well, we might still have a shot at avoiding getting caught up in a plague of Westboro Baptist Church groupies. It's all up to the kids.

The district last month voted to temporarily remove God's name from the statement, leaving it at "We value: Responsibility, honesty, respect, integrity, commitment, and religious freedom". That isn't good enough for High School Juniors Mackenzie Muchalk and Alex Looney. They are preparing to literally mount a fight in the name of God to maintain the statement as it was written.

Heh heh. His name is Looney. Oh, this is going to go well.

Muchalk and Looney are selling t- shirts at cost that read "We value a belief in God" on the front and "They can take his name out of our mission statement but they can NEVER take Him out of our hearts."

Ah, the sweet sweet intersection of spirituality and retail marketing. This is why Jesus died on the cross and now you can own your very own piece of a genuine replica of that cross with accompanying certificate of authenticity for three easy payments of $39.95 plus shipping and handling. Call now, this once in a lifetime chance to own a piece of history can't last long! Offer void where regulated by heathens.

Muchalk says the hope is to have a room filled with people wearing the shirts at the next school board meeting on February 8th. "We just want to stand up to who we think of as bullies" she said, "to tell them its not really going to change anything."

Right on sister! Tell it! The last thing bullies want to hear is that changing stuff isn't going to change anything, so go ahead bullies change away. We won't be changed at all by your change and that's why we're all here tonight in these cheap t-shirts.

Muchalk realizes mounting a legal battle will cost money and hopes the community will rally with her to fight against the change, but not at the taxpayers expense. "I can get the free legal aid or if people in our community step up, which I know there have been people who have said they are going to pay for this for us, then I definitely think its worth it to fight it."

Hey, you think changing stuff that hasn't changed is cheap people? Time to step up. If we don't change this back to the way it was before it didn't change then what's next? CHAOS, that's what! Satan in your living room! People marrying box turtles! Universal Health Care! Wake up America!

Muchalk and her mother, Stephanie, say writing "God" into the value statement does not promote any particular religion. "When they first started selling these t-shirts one of the first two people who bought them were Muslim, so you know we aren't talking a christian God it just says a belief in God".

Well, god and cash. That mooslim money spends just as good as the god fearing kind. You think Jesus just left all those shekels laying on the floor after he chased the money lenders out of the temple? What do you take him for, Buddha?

"They want to come here and tell us what to say in our mission statement, that's fine but if we choose to believe in God then that's what we believe" said Junior basketball player Logan Wartman".

Wartman. Ha ha ha. OK we're beginning to see a pattern here. You kids are playing the adults, aren't you?

Jennifer Spohn, the parent of a high school student, also thought the name of God should remain in the school district's statement. "When it was put in the mission statement it wasn't just put in there by accident" Spohn said. "It was voted on by a wide amount of people, different religious backgrounds, some atheists some religious."

Unfortunately the atheists voted no and had to be run out of town right Ms. Spohn? We mean after all, what would Jesus do?

Oklahoma! Motto: Our Governor Can Tie His Own Shoes

Frequent readers of this blog always knew that resistance was futile...er...we mean may recall our previous profiles of one senator James Inhofe (R - where else?). The good senator, and his compatriot senator Tom (AACCK! LESBOZ!) Coburn represent the Sooner State in Washington and between them provide the most convincing argument ever against marrying your cousin. Especially if your cousin has the IQ of a tree frog.

But we digress. The point of today's little missive is to inform you that senator Inhofe has gotten himself on an enemies list, and he's quite upset with it all.

In a cover story on global warming titled "You Idiots!" Rolling Stone named Jim Inhofe as one of the "planet's worst enemies.'' The Oklahoma Republican took issue.
"My first response was I should have been No. 1, not No. 7," said Inhofe, once an aide told him that seven was not a one with a hat on. "I am serious about that. I've never been number one at anything in my life. I figured I wouldn't have much competition for stupidest human on the planet, but then McCain had to go and pick Sarah Palin for a running mate."

Eds. Note: Sorry Mr. Inhofe, (and Ms. Palin) that particular title is no longer in contention.

Still, Inhofe conceded his profile said some "nice'' things about him. The magazine described him as one of the GOP's loudest and most influential voices on climate change. "I kind of thought loud and influential were the same things," Inhofe said.

Citing his ability to get gullible journalists to take him seriously, it states that Inhofe is far from being marginalized and continues to hold remarkable sway. "See?" Inhofe added. "Loud is influential, just like I said.

He is credited with leading an effort that helped cloud the future of the entire planet, diminishing America's bargaining position at the Copenhagen climate negotiations. "I don't know why we even care what those beret wearing, espresso drinking, bicycle riding pansies over there think anyway," Inhofe said. "It's not like it's going to affect us. After all, we've got oceans on both sides of us and they're getting bigger all the time."

In addition to Inhofe and Buffett, the magazine's list includes Sens. John McCain, R-Ariz., and Mary Landrieu, D-La.; Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas; media baron Rupert Murdoch; former Democratic House leader Dick Gephardt; columnist and television pundit George Will; U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue; Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries; and others from the energy industry. "I am really in a better crowd than I have been in for quite some time," Inhofe said. "Most of those folks can read. I think."

"It is something I have taken eight years of hits for, and then finally we have come from a position of about only 18 percent of the people in America stupid enough to agree with my original position 10 years ago to about 75 percent now," Inhofe said, adding that he now feels "redeemed on the issue because enough people believe me, so the science doesn't count."

"If you don't have truth on your side, you don't have logic on your side and you don't have science on your side, you have to revert to name calling," he said. "In Oklahoma we call that taking the high road."

Friday Hound Blogging

OK animal rights wackos, you kicked the overlords around pretty good last year, closing tracks, outlawing animal exploitation...er...we mean the sport, and just generally making life miserable for folks whose only joy in life is leeching their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals, then discarding said animals like yesterday's newspaper.

Uh...we mean living an exciting life in the glamorous and thrilling world of greyhound racing.

Well, no more.

Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack has managed to skirt a trend that caused other gaming centers to close greyhound racing operations.

BAM! IN YOUR FACE! How you like us now, little puppy hugging smoochy smoochy doggie lover?

Crowds remain strong. Even in bone-chilling, 14-degree weather, fans turn out to cheer on the athletic canines as they whip around the track, sometime reaching speeds of 45 mph.

You hear that? Crowds, man crowds! 'Course for us a crowd is 15 people, at least four of which are sober enough to know where they are, but still it's people. People! Just so you know we're baaaaack!

"It's considered the creme de la creme, the ultimate track in racing," said Marci Anderson, president of Steel City Greyhounds.

Creme de la freakin' creme, you Birkenstock wearing, arugula eating all god's creatures hippie freaks. You know what that means? It means the toilets flush most of the time, the lights work and the parking lot is paved. Yeah. And you know what? That's not all. It's a new day and a new year. Tell them Izzy Havenick, vice president of Southwest Florida Enterprises, tell these buttinskis we don't need them sticking their noses into our business anymore.

After years of holding races year-round, the Bonita Springs-based track will return to a seasonal schedule this summer, when kennel owners rotate to Flagler Greyhound track in Miami. The dogs will return to Bonita the next winter.

Are you listening? Did you hear that? Did that get through your thick skull? After years of holding races year-round--that's years animal rights nut--Bonita springs isn't going to do that anymore. That's right, they're... ah... not... erm... doing... um... it... well... anymore. That can't be right. Is that what he said?

The change may be another sign that state parimutuels are weaning themselves from a reliance on dog racing, which has fallen in popularity as Indian gaming surges.

Oh. Um...fallen in popularity, you say. Heh heh. Well, maybe a little. But this is a temporary setback. A small pothole on the road to recovery. We've got the momentum now and there's no going back, right New Hampshire state representative Mary Cooney?

The New Hampshire House voted to ban live dog racing in the Granite State.

Yes, well...uh..."ban" you say? That means like no more greyhound racing at all right? Overlords earning their own keep, stuff like that? OK, if that's the way you want to do this we have to ask you if you really want unskilled, poorly socialized, substance abusers with anger management issues in your job pool? Is that what you want?

Massachusetts lawmakers are considering a plan to help track workers displaced by the voter-approved ban on greyhound racing. The bill would set up a greyhound workers' retraining and support fund.

Retraining? Retraining? Hey Wonderland, how can you have re training when you ain't had no training?

Wonderland is a very sweet dog. He is a big, strong boy who is very energetic. He loves to go out for a walk, and he walks very politely on the leash. Wonderland is very friendly, happy and curious. He will stand and lean into your body hard to be right next to you. He smiles and will open up his mouth in a big happy grin. He is also a Velcro dog, and likes to be the in the thick of things in the house—the more people and activity the better. Wonderland would do well in a working family home with well-mannered teens. He would appreciate a home where he can get a walk every day, if possible. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is playful and silly. He is young and energetic, for a greyhound. He is very affectionate. He thinks he is a little dog and will try to climb into your lap and will nuzzle his head against your shoulder. He will touch you with his paw when he wants to play. His tail wags like a helicopter. He is a bit of a greyhound “collector.”

Texas! Motto: Smart Peepel R Dum

As card carrying members of the educorporate complex here in Michigan we would just like to say that we are claiming dibs on the 700 million in federal aid to education that governor Rick Perry of Texas doesn't want.

And not just because we're looking for a raise either. This is all about the kids, yes sir you betcha.

Texas will not compete for up to $700 million in federal education money, Gov. Rick Perry said, calling the Obama administration’s main school improvement grant program an unacceptable intrusion on states’ control over education.

Couldn't have said it better ourselves governor. After all, who needs some east coat latte' drinking liberal elitist telling you to teach stuff in schools? Schools are where the little heathens learn to do what adults tell them to do. Besides, Texas does just fine on its own thankyewverymuch. After all, you're reevaluating your whole school curriculum to bring it into the 21st century right? Lets look at some of the highlights:

Evolution might sort of kind of exist, maybe.

Cesar Chavez and Thurgood Marshall were communists.

Thomas Jefferson copied the Constitution out of the bible.

OK, we made that last one up, but it's pretty close to the truth, right Derek Davis, director of the Center for Religious Liberty at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor?

"An education without some understanding of the profound role of religion in our nation's history and its contributions to our nation's success is an incomplete education and our courts have often said as much."

Oh tell it Brother Davis. Speak truth to the power. Plus, it's kind of hard to explain what we did to the land, the Native Americans and the slaves unless god gets in there someplace and gives his official okie dokie.

See? So Texas is doing just fine by itself thank you Mr. Barack Hussein Obama smarty pants college graduate. We got our very own graduates right here in Texas too. Did you know that?

OK so Texas is 49th lowest out of 50 states and the District of Columbia, but right after we get everybody all learned up that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs over to Noah's house to help George Washington plan the civil war against Santa Ana you better watch out!

Mother Nature Kicks a Country When It's Down

Folks in Haiti could use some help. Here's what you can do:

The American Red Cross

UNICEF

Yele Haiti

Operation USA

Doctors Without Borders

Direct Relief

Offered Without Comment

Those last two lines read: "His intellect and humor will make this a night to remember and share for years and years."

When Is It Legal To Go All Non Compos Mentis On Your Scrawny Ipso Facto?

We're coming to you today from the Legal Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, generally we have more...erm...practical reasons for consulting the crack Ironicus Maximus legal team, like the time we had that misunderstanding with the police officer about who owned the fifty dollar bill we'd found just as he was about to write us a ticket for...ah..an over exuberance of velocity, but today we are here on a more theoretical matter.

We see by the interwebs that the trial of Scott Roeder,the fellow who walked into a church and shot Dr. George Tiller because--well, isn't that what you're supposed to do when you disagree with someone--is beginning and we have a few questions.

OK, so the party of the first part discharges a firearm in the general direction of the party of the second part, resulting in the party of the second part being deprived of the means by which the party of the second part sustained his existence. The authorities take a dim view of this and arrest the party of the first part, accusing him of acting outside of the bounds of polite society by committing an act laymen refer to as "murder."

So far so good.

Then we get to court and we find that, far from committing the heretofore mentioned act called in the popular press, "murder," the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as "the accused" has not committed said "murder," in fact has not transgressed the mores of the aforementioned governmental authorities at all, but has instead acted to preserve a safe environment for entities that may or may not exist.

Roeder has admitted in news media interviews that he killed Tiller, shooting him in the face as Tiller served as a church usher. But Roeder has said his actions were justified in order to prevent Tiller from performing further abortions.

Right. Now in fifth grade the class bully was Vernon. When he took Dale's lunch money could we have shot him because we expected that at some date in the future he would take our lunch money?

Well, if we'd had a gun, that is. And if we'd known how to use it. And if Dale's big brother hadn't beat the crap out of Vernon with a tennis racket thus ending Vernon's bully career. We're talking theoretically here. A hypothetical scenario if you will.

We'd be the first to admit that we didn't always pay attention in Civics class, but our last understanding was that committing an illegal act (the so called "murder") to protest a legal act (getting an abortion) is not an appropriate way for a fully functioning adult member of society to spend his morning.

Perhaps we just aren't picking up on the finer legal points though. Let's take a step back and look at the big picture.

The slaying of Tiller intensified the debate in the United States over abortion and the actions taken by people who want it to be illegal.

Yes, yes we see now. So, referencing our earlier statement concerning the law enforcement representative and the orphaned fifty dollar bill, if we had just said we wanted 35 to be an illegally determined speed, and 70 to be a lawful speed corresponding to a higher authority (namely us) would we have been excused from what eventually turned out to be a fairly hefty monetary deduction from our entertainment account (the one Mrs. IM doesn't know about)? Or would we have been justified in shooting the officer because there was a high probability that he would go on enforcing the speed limit that we did not want on other drivers who may or may not want the government intruding into their lives and making the roads safe from people like...well, us?

Hmm...We're beginning to see some potential flaws in that line of reasoning.

Which is probably why we weren't asked to be part of Roeder's defense team.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know when the headline is Curtain comes down on state's failed dog-racing venture it's probably not going to be one of those fluffy upbeat pieces about the love the overlords have for the units...er...greyhounds. Then you read the first sentence:

Wisconsin's greyhound racing industry, which was launched 20 years ago with great expectations, has ended with a whimper.

Well that's an owy, right State Representative Dean Kaufert?

"I don't think we're going to miss it," said state Kaufert, "It was hot for a while, then the luster kind of went away.

Yeah. Having to dispose of all those dead and injured animals sort of takes the luster out of it. Not to mention the fact that it never made money. Still, things aren't so bad are they Marsha Kelly, a communications consultant for the American Greyhound Track Owners Association and the American Greyhound Council?

"I would say (the dog-racing industry) is in fair shape," Kelly said. The heyday for dog racing was in the late 1980s and early 1990s. A number of tracks have closed since then, but the industry remains viable, she added.

"Viable." You hear that all you tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, pinko animal rights wackos? Sure, nine tracks closed in 2009, but just look at the ones still open. They're booming.

VictoryLand, the greyhound racing track and electronic bingo complex east of Montgomery, has laid off 225 employees, according to the Montgomery Advertiser.

Hey, "temporary." It says "temporary" in the article. So those folks will be back to work...uh...someday. Right after they fix the bathroom. People get so hyper about stuff like that, huh Victor?

Victor is a very calm, loving and relaxed boy. He is friendly and social and will greet everyone. He is very well-mannered and sweet. He is very affectionate. He will approach you and look lovingly into your eyes and will rest his head on your lap. He likes to play with toys and his tail swings around like a helicopter. He likes to crawl into small spaces like a ferret. Victor would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is at the Vet being...erm...adjusted. After that, it's a trip to the dentist and then off to find that permanent couch.

On The Bright Side, We Kick Butt At Bible Trivia

So, it turns out science students in the US come in 20th place in international competition, right behind Iceland, a country that is bankrupt.

And you're thinking, "Gosh darned kids. How we ever going to get flying cars if they don't know a molecule from a Winnebago?"

Well, we're here to tell you reader(s). It ain't the kids. It's the teachers.

A Brooklyn principal has reprimanded a sixth-grade science teacher for selling students a book that tells how to "recognize those serving Satan and bring them to Jesus."

"In his defense, the book does use the inquiry method," said Education Department spokeswoman Marge Feinberg. "To be satan you had to answer yes to five or more questions like, Do you think women are equal to men? Have you ever voted democratic? 'Are you a homo?' stuff like that."

The book follows a God-fearing doctor who wins over a Devil-worshiping young woman.

"See, the lead character is a doctor," Feinberg said. "That's sciency, right?"

In a related story, Brit Hume has accepted a position as 10th grade Physics teacher at PS 43 in Bedford Stuyvesant.

I Dun Writ Me A Buk

We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DRD is a subsidy of Have You Heard This One Before, INC. in partnership with the Deja Vu All Over Again Corporation.

A while back we brought you news that Michael Steele, then newly elected chairMan of the republicans who are still able to afford medications, declared an official end to the era of republican apologies for basically ending civilization as we know it.

Now, to further underline and emphasize the new direction republicans and their forward looking agenda for looking forward is taking Mr. chairMan Steele has penned a tome in which he...uh...apologizes for the fact that republicans, after eight years of owning democracy's scrawny buttocks, have basically left the whole world in the dumpster.

We're pretty sure we've got that right. Mr. Steele? Care to explain?

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele offers a simple explanation for why the GOP all too often lost touch with typical Americans since the Ronald Reagan era: "We screwed up," he claims in a new book offering a blueprint for the party's resurgence.

"Screwed up"? You "screwed up"? Mr. Steele, Tiger Woods screwed up. Well, he also screwed down, sideways and out the back door over by the garage and out onto the terrace, but that's not our point. You guys dropped a floater on the country the size of Missouri. Saying you "screwed up" is like saying atomic bombs have a tendency to rearrange the furniture when they go off in the living room.

In "Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda," Steele says the GOP should acknowledge where "we most glaringly compromised our principles" in the past decade and hold its elected officials accountable.

Wait, you've got "principles now"? Did you get them before or after you stole an election, trashed the constitution, lied us into an unnecessary war and turned the government over to your cronies so they could loot the treasury?

OK, perhaps we're being too harsh, Mr. Steele. Everybody makes mistakes. Most mistakes don't wreck a nation, but we'll hold that in abeyance right now and ask you, of the new look republicans, who is the most principled? John Ensign? Pete Hoekstra? James Inhofe? Joe Barton? Newt Gingrich? Sarah Palin? Go ahead, pick one. Or add your own, we'll wait.

The GOP chairman defended former Vice President Dick Cheney's harsh criticism of President Barack Obama, saying that he, too, believes Obama tries to avoid directly acknowledging a war on terror.

Seriously? Dick Cheney? That's your choice? You know he's got a problem with the brothers, right? We'll give you another pick.

One Republican who escapes Steele's intraparty criticism is former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, McCain's running mate. Then again, judging from the book's index, Palin is not mentioned at all."

Aww...and after she said such nice things about you. Well, guess you just got on Todd's list.

Hey, read us that part about how John Ensign got his mommy to pay off his mistress again. It's back in that chapter on values some place.

Ironicus Maximus, January 4, 2010. Use With Caution

We have just run across what we believe to be the stupidest thing ever said by a human being in any language anywhere at any time throughout history.

We have to warn you that just reading this comment will cause your IQ to drop several points and it will be necessary for you to rescue your intellectual capabilities before they are permanently damaged so we will be providing several links at the end of this post that you should click on before your brain has too much of a chance to process what you are about to read. In fact, you may want to click on those links now and have the tabs open to get to that much faster so we'll put them here:

Link number 1 to restore your rational faculties

Link number 2 to reconnect you to reality

Link number 3 to remind you that the world has not been overrun by arrogantly ignorant, lumpy bags of protoplasmic effluent two steps short of sentience.

And link number 4 just to get the image of those words out of your visual cortex.

OK, now, if there are children in the room, please make sure they can't see the screen, or better yet send them off to read a book. Sit comfortably in your chair, loosen any clothing that might become constrictive in the event of a seizure and make sure there are no sharp implements nearby with which you might gouge out your eyes in a moment of panic.

Before we go on you should know this comment was made by representative Joe Barton and we are in no way making it up, or altering it in any manner. It comes to you just as it came out of his mouth.

Those of you familiar with Joe Barton will probably want to stop reading here as prolonged exposure to weapons grade idiocy can lead to chronic incredulity, memory loss, and reduced joie de vivre.

OK. Here we go:

"Wouldn't it be ironic if in the interest of global warming we mandated massive switches to [wind] energy, which is a finite resource, which slows the winds down, which causes the temperature to go up?...It's just something to think about."

May god have mercy on us all.

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, the first post of the new year, of the new decade. New beginnings. Well, probably can't have old beginnings, but that's beside the point. Hey, speaking of beside the point, how did the overlords spend the last day of the last year of the last decade?

As the Dairyland Greyhound Park closes its doors for the last time, it’s also the end for close to 180 employees.

Well, on the bright side, at least those 180 folks aren't in danger of being killed by their bosses, but we're not without sympathy here in the marbled halls of IM Central, so here's our suggestion.

Of course, some folks just don't take the hint.

The choice is clear but difficult — move to another state to continue on with the dogs that many trainers have dedicated the whole of their working lives to, or find a new career closer to home.

We suggest a new career that doesn't involve the heartless killing of innocent living creatures, but that's just us. Hey, we'll even help.

We'd also like to add that all of the jobs on those links are greyhound approved because none of them involve injury or death to the dogs. Of course, the bad news is that they do require the humans to earn their own keep rather than relying on the dogs to do it for them. Not a perfect world yet, is it Ralph?

Ralph is another refugee from Dairlyland who has just landed in the area. We don't know much about him except that he's looking for a new career that involves soft couches, copious amounts of dog biscuits and ear scratches several times a day. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo is settling in with his foster parents in Southeast Michigan. Next up: A trip to the Vet.