Hey, We've Got a Daemon And No, It's Not A Monkey, It's A Gibbon. Shut Up.

"Assertive and shy." Well, that depends on when the Stoli kicks in.

Anybody Seen Laura Today?

You know, it's got to be getting a little lonely around the White House these days, what with everyone wanting to spend more time with anyone but Bush...er...with their families we mean. Latest member of the administration to discover that staying home with a five year old still provides you with the more intellectual challenge than working for the president is Karen Hughes.

Karen Hughes, who led efforts to improve the U.S. image abroad and was one of President Bush's last remaining advisers from the close circle of Texas aides, will leave the government at the end of the year.

Wait, someone was actually in charge of improving our image abroad? What's that mean, like after we blow up a country we hand out free coupons to Denny's? Kids get prosthetic devices in their favorite team colors? After Blackwater shoots up your village, the guys from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show up to do an episode?

Hughes plans to quit her job as undersecretary of state and return to Texas, although improving the world's view of the United States is a "long-term challenge" that will outlast her.

Yeah, well women are still dealing with that whole Eve and the apple misunderstanding too, so maybe after we get that straightened around...

Announcing Hughes' decision to leave the department, secretary of state Condoleezza Rice said she had accepted the resignation "with a great deal of sadness but also a great deal of happiness for what she has achieved." When asked what Hughes' office had achieved, Rice replied that no one in the administration had been convicted of war crimes yet. "That's got to count for something," she added.

Rice said that Hughes had made public diplomacy "strong and central" to U.S. foreign policy "except when we bomb things" and had exceeded expectations in the job. When asked what those expectations were Rice responded that they had expected Hughes to "show up for work sober and be fully dressed."

"I knew that she would bring a great dedication and great commitment to all that we're trying to do," Rice said. "Plus she uses silverware when she eats."

Bush and Rice had picked Hughes two years ago to retool the way the United States sells its policies, ideals and views overseas. A former television reporter and media adviser, Hughes' focus has been to change the way the United States engages and responds to criticism or misinformation in the Muslim world.

"See, before Hughes we'd respond to criticism by dropping more bombs," the president said. "She convinced us that wasn't the right way to go and that's when we gave a contract to Blackwater."

She doubled the public diplomacy budget, to nearly $900 million annually, and sent U.S. sports stars Michelle Kwan and Cal Ripken Jr. abroad as unofficial diplomats. When reporters asked how effective those choices had been since Kwan is not Arabic, and baseball is not a popular sport in Arab countries, Hughes said she wouldn't know until the kidnappers had released the two.

"She has done just a remarkable job," Rice said. Polls show no improvement in the world's view of the U.S. since Hughes took over. "Yeah, but think how much more people would hate us if she hadn't been there," she added. "Did I mention she uses silverware when she eats?"

Hughes said she advised Bush and Rice two years ago that U.S. help in ending the six-decade old fight over Israel would probably do more than anything else to improve the U.S. standing worldwide. "Well, that and quit bombing people for no reason," she said.

Hughes said she told Bush and Rice over the summer that she did not plan to stay through the end of Bush's term. Rice, who has also worked for Bush since he was a presidential candidate, has announced no plans to leave. "Yeah, like someone would hire me after this," she said.

Don't be so hard on yourself Connie. We're sure there are numerous career opportunities awaiting you after Bush administration ends. Which, by the way happens, in 446 days, but who's counting?

If You're Going To Hate, At Least Be A Good Christian About It

Frequent readers of this blog probably didn't do well on career aptitude tests...er...we mean, frequent readers will notice that from time to time we like to indulge in a delightful and refreshing adult beverage. Admittedly in a most un-adult like way, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, everyone needs a hobby. We tell you this because we don't want you thinking that today's post is a figment of a Stoli induced alternative reality. Well that's not completely accurate. It's about Alabama, which is possibly its own alternative reality.

Members of one Ku Klux Klan organization say they will assemble at the courthouse November 10 to show their opposition to another Klan group that plans an anti-immigration rally there that day. "They've really gone off the reservation," said Ken Mier, who described himself as an investigator for the Alabama Ku Klux Klan and the national office of the Ku Klux Klan LLC. "We're not against illegals because they're illegal, we're against them because they're brown."

"We are also opposed to the ignorance and stupidity as displayed by the individuals that thumbed their nose at the area churches by continuing to use racial slurs, threats and avoided Christian deportment," he said. "They need to realize that when you're out in public hating on somebody there are certain Christian principles that need to be followed."

At the protest, held several hours after thousands of motorcyclists traveled through the city on the annual Trail of Tears ride, several National Knights Klan members gave anti-immigration speeches.

Mier said his group was disgusted that the National Knights would interfere with the Trail of Tears ride. "Look, here we are turning one of the most disturbing episodes of our treatment of American Indians into a motorcycle swap meet and these guys have to come along and cheapen it by taking some shots at the Mexicans. Let's keep focus here people, that's all I'm saying."

Fer schizzle. Although in defense of the National Knights, all non-white people look alike to them.

The Senate Will Now Have An Emergency Recess Because The Portapotties Have Arrived

A while back we told you about our own state senator Mike Bishop, Michigan's answer to the question can a boy with no talent and little brains grow up to be a politician with no talent and little brains. Seems back then Mr. Bishop had a run in with a little thing called the first amendment. Could have happened to anybody, after all, who has time to read all that stuff that comes across your desk. There's budgets to be blocked and government to be disrupted. A mans' got to have his priorities.

Well, we check in on the good senator today and see he has moved on from trying to control the free flow of information in a democratic society to setting his sites on people's sphincters.

Senate republican leader Mike Bishop has banned access to all Senate bathrooms. "And it's not just because of Bean Burrito night," said Bishop's Chief of Staff Matt Miner, the bathrooms will be closed until they determine exactly who has been writing "bad things" on the bathroom walls.

"Look, we don't mind the occasional 'for a good time call Jennie,'" Miner said. "But lately The comments have gotten a lot more personal and destructive." When asked for examples, Miner said most were too offensive for the public, but several aides mentioned comments like "Why don't you get off your dead butts and pass a budget," or "Tax is not a four letter word," or "Democracies run on deliberation, consensus and compromise, you idiots."

Assistant Secretary of the Senate Pam Nyquist reported that it was possible that Senate-issued Sharpies were used to write these messages, and "that would not be appropriate." When asked to explain, Nyquist admitted that there was scant legal basis for her opinion, but added it was in the best interest of the legislature "not to let debate replace blind adherence to party doctrine. After all, if you let in debate then people are going to be wanting the facts to back up their debates, then you start letting facts in here and the whole thing goes to heck in a hand basket. Is that what the people of Michigan want?"

Erm...yeah?

Friday Hound Blogging

See, a man can only take so much. Even the overlords have their breaking points and after one more time being told that exploiting the units is not a viable career choice, well, enough is finally enough.

If you were to fire up those crazy internets, cruise over to Massachusetts Secretary of State William Galvin’s website and punch up the list of the Commonwealth’s registered gaming lobbyists, you’ll find a who’s who of players vying for Governor Deval Patrick’s three state gaming licenses. Donald Trump, Suffolk Downs, the Mashpee Wampanoags; they’ve all registered with the state. There is one group on the list, though, that seems a bit out of place. It’s GREY2K USA, which, far from being dedicated to bringing poker tables and slots into the state, is fighting to get dog track racing out of it.

Oh pullleeeasse. What is with these Grey2K people? Dog welfare this and dog welfare that. Look, how's an overlord to make the trailer payment if these people are always getting in the way of our plans to separate social security recipients from their payments, right Peter Gundrum from Milwaukee?

This group Grey2K makes me laugh. 95% of the greyhounds in this world would NOT BE ALIVE if it wasn’t for greyhound racing.

Yeah Baby! Want a chance to be born, exploited and then dumped in a shallow roadside grave? You'd better thank greyhound racing you ungrateful cur!

Greyhound racing has been around for what 75 years or something like that and you people continually bring up these same few instances of abuse.

Right, you bunch of tree hugging hippies...erm...dog hugging we mean. You keep bringing up these same few instances of abuse like it happens every day or something.

And I’ll tell you another thing. A greyhound will never eat better than when he is in a racing kennel. They are fed high quality meat.

You better believe it you bunch of animal rights whackos. You wish you could eat as well as the units do.

Chasing a rabbit is a natural instinct of a greyhound. They actually enjoy the racing part of their lives. If you don’t believe me take your greyhound out to a field and take him off the leash and watch what happens when a rabbit comes around.

Yeah. Get yourself educated you bunch of Birkenstock wearing, Volvo driving, green tea drinking busy bodies. Just make sure the rabbit is on a metal pole that runs around a dirt track. Then charge people to watch. Oh, and if your dog doesn't run fast enough to suit you, shoot it. They love that.

So don’t act like these animals are being tortured in the kennels all day at the track because they aren’t.

Yeah, they're not tortured. We kill them out right when they don't win. Well, except for the ones you animal lovers find out about. We have to adopt those out because everyone gets their panties in a bunch about a few dead units.

Bet you're glad some panties got bunched up for you, huh Rusty?

Rusty AKA Hemi is very friendly and outgoing. He is playful, but calms quickly. He is very easy going, well-mannered and adaptable. He is a happy boy who wags his tail often and gives kisses. He loves attention from everyone. He follows his foster family around the house. He chatters his teeth when he is excited. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Hemi would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

How Can We Be In Washington Voting Against Kids When We're In California Pretending To Care About Fire Victims?

We've tried to stay out of this whole SCHIP thing, because, well frankly we're not that big a fan of children. It seems to us they are far too young for their own good, and since they don't have jobs, they're always asking adults for money to buy the things adults are trying to convince them they can't live without.

Anyway, we've been thinking this is just another opportunity for democrats to prove they couldn't pass legislation out of a paper bag if one end was open, but then we read this:

House Republicans are fuming over Democrats' decision to hold the next vote on the State Children's Health Insurance Program when many Republicans will be in California with president Bush staging photo ops in areas hit by wildfires.

"Five to seven members are going, all of whom would be 'no' votes, and [Democrats] know it," House Republican Whip Roy Blunt said. "This is clearly designed to minimize Republican opposition to children. Well, not children, just sick children. I mean poor sick children. Wait. Can we talk about Obama's lapel pin instead?"

At a meeting of Republican House members to discuss the revised bill, Rep. Louis Gohmert of Texas said the Democrats are "taking advantage of a disaster to loot the American treasury. Now granted, we've pretty much finished that job in the last six years, but I just don't want some other cat peeing in my litterbox if you get my drift."

Thirteen Republicans from fire-stricken districts signed a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi urging her as "Teh Cave'n Masta" to postpone the vote. "Members should not have to choose between shafting poor kids in Washington or being in California helping our constituents to get the aid they need to rebuild their homes and their lives," they wrote.

Hahahahaha. "Helping constituents." That's pretty funny. Oh look dear, here comes our Congressperson to stand in front of the smoldering ruins of our house and tell the press he's anti fire and if it wasn't the for the fact that the treasury is broke paying for the war he would certainly vote to give everyone free buckets.


But Democratic House aides defended the scheduling of the vote. Stacey Bernards, spokesperson for House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, said Democrats are affected by the fires too. "The fires aren't partisan, despite what James Hartline says" she said. "We are very concerned for the victims of the fires but tomorrow's vote outcome will not be affected by Republicans and Democrats who will not be there. They sort of cancel one another out. At least the ones that are sober enough to vote."

In a press conference, Democratic leaders announced the new bill will include changes on major issues that Republicans complained about in the last debate. They said it will tighten the restriction on illegal immigrants receiving SCHIP benefits; cap the income levels of families eligible for SCHIP; move adults out of SCHIP faster; and include new provisions to encourage SCHIP families to keep private health insurance.

Republican Judy Biggert -- who voted against the original bill, described the changes as "cosmetic. They're still giving free medical care to poor kids," she said. "That's just not the American way."

Representative Charles Dent, a Republican who supported the bill, said that he believes there will be "some defections, but not many." He suggested Democrats would win more votes if they held the bill until next week. When asked why he thought that way Dent revised his position. "Coming back from a place where all they had to do was act like they cared to actually doing something that proves they care?. Nah. What was I thinking?"

A House Republican leadership aide who attended their closed door meeting said no members indicated they would change their vote. "Each member has written his original vote on his arm with a Sharpie," the aide said.

Their Court Appointed Lawyers Just Out Played Us

We're not constitutional lawyers. Don't even play them on TV, so we may be missing something, but we don't really get this whole "Please don't wire tap us without warrants" thing the democrats are crying about. Look, we have to stay in Iraq so the terrorists don't follow us home, but occasionally one of the terrorists finds out where we are. Maybe they're out on vacation with the family and just stumble on us, or maybe they make a wrong turn at Gibraltar and...well...you know how guys hate to ask for directions.

The point is, even though we've all been very quiet and the president's plan to keep the porch light off and not answer the door after dark is mostly working, occasionally someone's going to sneeze, or a baby will cry and the terrorists will know we're home. So the president has to listen to all our phone calls in case Alice call Bernice across the street to tell them there's a terrorist on her porch and don't answer the door. And it's working too.

From 1993 to 2001, prosecutors in Manhattan convicted some three dozen terrorists through guilty pleas and in six major trials. Ha. And that was before 9/11 and warrantless wiretaps. Oh you really stepped in it on 9/11 Mr. Jihadi. You woke up a sleeping giant because we were throwing your Hummus eating behind in the slammer before the president started listening to everyone ordering pizza, now you might as well just get on the bus to the Government motel because there's a set of orange overalls in your immediate future.

Since the Sept. 11 attacks, the government’s track record has been decidedly spottier, and its failure to obtain a single conviction in its terrorism-financing prosecution of what was once the nation’s largest Islamic charity was another in a series of missteps and setbacks.

Yeah baby! How you like us now, jiotch? Things aren't quite so jihappy when you're on the business end of a 25 year reservation at...wait...What'd he say?

Some scholars and former prosecutors say the government should have known better than to bring some of its recent failed cases and that a lack of selectivity and judgment, along with a reliance on stale evidence and links to groups not at the core of the current threat, may be harming the effort to combat terrorism.

"Government should have known better..." Where have we heard that before?

From the Sept. 11 attacks to last July, the government started 108 material-support prosecutions and completed 62, according to an article by Robert M. Chesney, a law professor at Wake Forest University, juries convicted 9 defendants, 30 defendants pleaded guilty, and 11 pleaded guilty to other charges. There were eight acquittals and four dismissals. Eighteen were called on account of darkness and twelve were rescheduled as twi-night double headers.

Material-support cases are just a small fraction of what the Justice Department counts as terrorism prosecutions, and in the larger picture the government is not doing nearly as well. According to the Center on Law and Security at the New York University School of Law, the government has a 29 percent conviction rate in terrorism prosecutions overall, compared with 92 percent for felonies generally.

Oh, sure, it always looks bad when you count winning as "convictions."

Instead of trying to prove that the defendants knew they were supporting terrorists, William Neal, a juror said, prosecutors “danced around the wire transfers by showing us videos of little kids in bomb belts and people singing about Hamas, things that didn’t directly relate to the case.”

"But all those people were brown," responded a spokesperson for the Justice Department. "I mean, how much proof do they want?"

Civil liberties groups pointed to the collapse of a case against men once accused of being part of a terrorism sleeper cell in Detroit, to the combination of acquittals and deadlocks in the trials of a Saudi student in Idaho and a Palestinian professor in Florida and to the convictions of two men on relatively minor charges in February after a three-month terrorism trial. " On the other hand, this is about the best you can hope for when your team is all graduates of Regent University Law School," said one spokesperson.

Juries “are demanding strict proof” these days, said Thomas M. Melsheimer, a former federal prosecutor. "And that automatically puts the 'because he's brown' strategy at a disadvantage. Even if you do add the 'Plus he's not a christian' coda."

“I think the government won when it froze the assets and shut down the organization,” said Matthew D. Orwig, a lawyer in Dallas who was until recently United States attorney for the Eastern District of Texas. “Then it piled a loss on top of a win because it lost the prosecution, in an arguably superfluous action."

"Superfluous?" You mean like the war in Iraq?

Does Hallmark Have A Card?

Hey. Did you know this is take an islamofascist to lunch week? Or something like that. We didn't pay too much attention to the announcement, but it seems David Horowitz wants to organize a sort of racist Woodstock, but without the music, drugs or free love. Still, it'll be fun for the whole family!! Er...white family.

During the week of October 22-26, 2007, the nation will be rocked by the biggest conservative campus protest ever – Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week, a wake-up call for Americans on 200 university and college campuses.

Umm...we're on one of those college campuses, and David we got to tell you, turnout is somewhat...erm...how to say this politely...thin. And by thin we mean nada, zilch, bupkus, crickets in the grass time, wind in the trees, lonely train whistle off in the distance. On the bright side, the soccer game hosted by the Arab Cultural Society was well attended.

The purpose of this protest is as simple as it is crucial: to confront the two Big Lies of the political left: that George Bush created the war on terror and that Global Warming is a greater danger to Americans than the terrorist threat.

Ha! Finally the truth is out. George Bush started Global Warming.

According to the academic left, the Islamo-fascists hate us not because we are tolerant and free, but because we are "oppressors."

Yeah. So let's get to some oppressing, dudes! Umm...but first we need to get ready for Global Fest.

If Ugly Was a Drop Of Water, Hllary'd Be The Pacific Ocean. But We'd Totally Hit That

OK, granted it's Monday after a weekend, which means we're a little...erm...out of phase. Now, we're not using that as an excuse for not watching the latest republican...ah...whatdyacallit...cliche' fest...no...panderrama...uh uh...Fred Thompson wake...mmm...oh, "debate." That's what the adults call it. Anyway, we didn't watch it because, well because there was fly dandruff in the pepper that needed to be removed. And after that the sock drawer was in a total state of chaos, plus we noticed our neighbor had painted his garage so we had to watch that dry.

We think you get our point. Turns out though, that like everyone else with an IQ above that of sparkling water the republicans are getting tired of each other because now they've started "debating" Hillary Clinton.

The bus load of screaming whackos (tm) staged their most contentious and personal "debate" of the long campaign season, clashing sharply over abortion, immigration, tort reform and their readiness to challenge Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D - Uppity Woman) in a general election.

The "debate's" opening minutes included a series of hissy fits that illustrated the growing stakes in the nominating battle. Former New York mayor Rudolph W. 9/11 and former Massachusetts governor Mitt position a day Romney were quickly put on the defensive, fending off criticism leveled by former senator Fred D. Thompson who managed to stay awake for twenty minutes of the "debate." A personal best. Thompson questioned their conservative credentials."If you were a true conservative you'd drive over to Hillary's house and egg it," Thompson said.

"I stopped 9/11 all by myself and rebuilt New York," Giuliani. "I'm not afraid of Hillary."

"Yeah, well if she was here right now I'd...I'd...I'd call her a big fat hag right to her face,"Romney said.

Thompson raked Giuliani for having supported federal funding of abortion, voting for the reelection of Democrat Mario Cuomo for governor in 1994, backing gun control and making New York a sanctuary city for immigrants. "He sides with Hillary Clinton on each of those issues," Thompson said.

"Do not," Giuliani responded.

"Do too," Romney added. "I bet you want to go steady with her."

Giuliani then jumped on Thompson, attacking his record in the Senate of opposing GOP-sponsored legislation to limit costly lawsuits. "Fred was the single biggest obstacle to tort reform in the United States Senate," he said. "He stood with democrats over and over again. Hillary's a democrat you know."

"What's a tort?" asked Thomapson.

One of the most personal attacks came when senator John McCain joined the fray, taking umbrage at Romney's recent statement that he speaks for the "Republican wing" of the Republican Party. "Governor Romney, you've been spending the last year trying to fool people about your record," McCain said. "I don't want you to start fooling them about mine. I stand on my record. I stand on my record of a conservative. Plus I once tried to run Hillary over."

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, who has been crowding his way into the top tier of the race, stood by throughout the early exchanges, then chided the others for attacking one another, saying, "Hey. I'm running for president too. Can somebody accuse me of liking Hillary?"

Prodded by Fox News's Chris Wallace, the Republican candidates unloaded on Clinton, describing her as unfit to be commander in chief, determined to create a government-run health system and a big-spending tax hiker, and an ugly headed poopy face. "I'm supposed to ask you guys questions about health care, the economy and the war and stuff people care about, but let's just forget that and call Hillary names," Wallace said.

"Fine with me," Romney replied. "I have so many positions I can't keep them straight anyway."

"Can we at least talk about 9/11," Giuliani asked.

"I'm a war hero," McCain said.

"Is there a restroom nearby?" Thompson wanted to know.

Wallace turned to Giuliani and compared him to Clinton, Giuliani said simply: "You've got to be kidding. You have got to be kidding." He quoted Clinton as saying: "I have a million ideas; America cannot afford them all," and then, with a sneer, said: "No kidding, Hillary -- America can't afford you."

"Oh no he di nit" the audience responded.

While the candidates echoed Bush's positions on several issues, they distinguished themselves from him as more hawkish on foreign policy, declaring that they would take a harder line against Russia and Iran. "All Bush could manage was to start two wars," Giuliani said. "If elected I'll be at war with Iran and North Korea before inauguration day.

"Yeah, well I'll be at war with Iran, North Korea and Mexico before the votes are counted," Romney countered.

"Gentlemen. Can we just get back to calling Hillary names," Fox news correspondent Wallace asked.

"Aren't we already at war with Iran," Thompson wanted to know.

"That's Iraq, senator. Try to keep up," Wallace answered.

Tancredo, Hunter and Paul played smaller roles. Tancredo accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Woman too.) of interfering in foreign policy and provoking Turkey at a sensitive moment by pushing a resolution on Armenian genocide. "Nancy Pelosi is not a very good speaker of the House, and she is an even lousier secretary of state," he said.

"Wait. I thought we were talking about Hillary," said Romney.

"They all look alike to me," Giuliani said.

"Nancy Pelosi" Isn't that Reagan's wife? asked Thompson.

Hunter answered a question about Social Security with a lecture on trade policy, prompting an incredulous Hume to ask: "Do you really think we can solve the Social Security and Medicare entitlement programs with trade policy?"

"No, but I'm sure Hillary does," Hunter responded.

Paul spoke passionately against the war in Iraq. But he also accused his Republican rivals of being for big government. "Our big-government conservatives, they're part of the neo-conservative movement. They've lost their traditions about traditional conservatism and the Constitution."

"I know you are, but what am I?" asked Romney.

"I hear Hillary likes the Constitution too." Giuliani said.

"Who's Hillary?" Thompson asked. By then most of the audience had left to watch Alan Keyes debate the Zorgons in the park across the street.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, getting close to retirement? Looking for a sure fire investment? Why not try greyhound racing? For fun! And profit!!

Greyhound racing is an increasingly popular sport in Victoria and other parts of Australia, and there are many opportunities for people to get actively involved. Just think of how much more exciting and hopefully profitable, greyhound racing would be if you had a dog that participates in the race you were watching!

And if that dog doesn't win--shoot it. Yay!

Greyhound racing is a community as well as a spectator Sport, and it is much more rewarding to be a part of the community.

Just think of the enjoyment that will be yours, and hopefully your family's as you spend sunny afternoon at the track with the community of drunks, drug addicts, criminals and people with no teeth!

The easiest way to be involved as the owner of greyhound racing if you Do not have the expertise, time or money to invest in a race greyhounds yourself is a form of syndication greyhounds where a group of people are co-owners of a greyhound, cost sharing and the sharing of gains.

Yeah. Don't know anything about greyhound racing? No problem. Find some more people who don't know anything about greyhound racing and you'll make millions! Right Mr. Pimentel?

The Corpus Christi Greyhound Race Track may be closing for good at the end of the year. "We're not making a profit, but that's not something we're trying to do," Rick Pimentel, general manager of the race track said. "We're not trying to make a profit; we're just trying to minimize our losses.

Oh. Um...well...Here's one way to minimize your losses, right Pluto?

Pluto is very well-mannered, easygoing and mellow. He has funny ears. He enjoys attention, but is also fine to be resting alone. He enjoys finding a sunny spot on the floor. He doesn’t like it when his foster mom takes a nap on the couch; he wants her to wake up and he will push his head against her. Pluto would do well with a family working part-time or a stay at home family. He needs a home with no children. He is good with other dogs and he’d be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

This Is Why We Drink

Usually after disgorging our daily lump of verbiage on an unsuspecting public it's off to the freezer to chip out the Stoli, but today we decided to make one last sweep of the tubz and came upon this:

Feature Length Doc "Einstein Wrong" Looking for Executive Producer

Two Oscar Winning Distributors Wanting a Rough Cut

LONG BEACH, Calif, October 16, 2007 - Bootstrap Productions is currently looking for an executive producer for it's feature-length documentary "Einstein Wrong - The Miracle Year" due out in 2008. The documentary is about a suburban house wife who takes on the icon of 20th century physics to see if in fact relativity is wrong.

We wish we were sober enough to make this stuff up. Or not sober enough to make this stuff up. Whatever. On the bright side, we're told this housewife comes from a large family and feels she has the expertise to critique Einstein because of all her relativity. Said she has relativity all over the country.

h/t P.Z.

PS: "Doc" means documentary, not flamingly stupid, mind numbing mush that will turn your brain into marshmallow. Or maybe it does.

Don't Know George Bush. Never Heard Of Him. Saw The Ad In The Paper.

OK, here's our question. At this point in the Bush administration, shouldn't anyone nominated for any office by the president be automatically disqualified because...well...because Bush nominated them? We mean, talk about a perfect negative barometer...

U.S. attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey denounced torture and pledged to stand up to the White House in pursuit of justice if confirmed. At that point the hearings were paused so that Mukasey could stand up, take off his shoes and socks and spread his hands so senators could determine if his fingers or toes were crossed.

"Legal decisions and the progress of cases are decided by facts and law, not by interests and motives," the retired judge and former federal prosecutor told Congress. When asked how the president had responded to that statement, Mukasey admitted the topic hadn't come up. "We mostly talked about chocolate milk," he said. "The president prefers store bought to the home made kind."

During several hours of testimony, Mukasey said that as attorney general he would review the department's legal justifications for the president's national security policies -- including interrogation, detention and surveillance -- to make sure they are sound and "change them if they are not."

When asked what kind of a time line he would put on changing Bush policies if he felt they were illegal, Mukasey responded he wasn't sure but it would probably be "sometime in early '09."

"Restoring the Department of Justice begins by restoring integrity and independence to the position of attorney general," Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy said.

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" Mukasey responded.

Under questioning, Mukasey said he would resign if he was unable to get Bush to drop any initiative that he might believe was unlawful. "I don't really see that happening though." he added. ""I mean come on, how many more laws can the president break?"

"We are party to a (international) treaty that outlaws torture," Mukasey said when asked about torture. "Torture is unlawful under the laws of this country. The president has said that in an executive order which his administration has consistently and comprehensively ignored and my job will be to cover their butts on that."

Mukasey said if confirmed, "Hiring is going to be based solely on competence and ability and dedication." When senator Leahy asked him how it was he thought he could get anyone with competence or ability to work for the most incompetent, unable administration in the history of the country, Mukasey replied "Red Skins season tickets."

In testifying to Congress, Mukasey underscored the need to balance civil liberties with national security. "And you have my word we'll get around to that soon," he added "Right after we finish implementing the warrantless wiretap program."

In nominating Mukasey, Bush sought to avoid a fight with the Democratic-led Congress and even join efforts to restore morale and public confidence at the Justice Department. "Yeah. The democrats fight hard," said an aide to the president. "Look, we could have nominated Sasquatch and eventually they wold have caved, but after a while, where's the challenge?"

OK, So The Sequins Should Have Been A Clue

So if you're like most people, you're thinking most of the spying that goes on in this desultory world is your government listening in to you ordering pizza on your cell phone. Ha. That just goes to show how little you know about the shadowy, clandestine world of espionage where life is cheap as yesterday's news, trust is thin as ice in August, and death is around every corner.

Plus, you have to dress funny.

It was a typical Sunday Mass until two men in heavy makeup and nuns' habits received Holy Communion from San Francisco's top Catholic official.

That's right folks. Yesterday we told you about Agent Stenico and operation Casu Consulto.* (Catholics like to say things in Latin) Today we learn that Teh Gays have their own secret service, and no, we don't mean it that way.

On Oct. 7, Archbishop George Niederauer delivered the Eucharist to members of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence - an activist group whose motto is "go forth and sin some more" - prompting cries of outrage from conservatives across the country and Catholics in San Francisco. "They penetrated our security. They thrust themselves into the deepest part of the sanctuary. They came up to...excuse me, is it hot in here?" Asked an aide to Father Niederauer.

In response to a request for comment, Niederauer released a letter of apology a in which he said he did not realize his mistake until after the Mass at Most Holy Redeemer Church in the Castro district. When asked what he was doing in the Castro district in the first place, Father Niederauer responded that was "classified."

"At Communion time, toward the end of the line, two strangely dressed persons came to receive Communion," Niederauer wrote. "As I recall, one of them wore a large flowered hat or garland."

"In Father Niederauer's defense, his attention was distracted by the gentleman who was wearing a new pair of red Prada loafers and Gucci sunglasses," said an aide.

"Someone who dresses in a mock religious habit to attend Mass does so to make a point (that) was intended as a provocative gesture," Niederauer said. "Well, I don't mean 'provocative' like that," he added. "They're just trying to get a rise out of me. No wait, that's not right either. It's just a come on...ah...never mind."

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, founded in San Francisco in 1979, are known for their white face paint, outrageous costumes, theatrics and support of the gay community. Sister Barbi Mitzvah, who serves as "Board Chairnun" and "Sexytary," said Tuesday that the group is "not offering a comment. But if the good Padre wants to stop by later we've got something else we can offer him," h/she said.

Conservative Fox news commentator Bill O'Reilly, who has disparaged "San Francisco values," called the latest flap another example of how the city is run by "far-left secular progressives who despise the military, traditional values and religion."

When it was pointed out that the incident involved members of the Catholic church and private citizens and did not involve any office or level of government O'Reilly's office issued a clarification that read in part "I still don't like gays."

"It's been all the news in Catholic circles," said Bill May, chairman of the San Francisco-based Catholics for the Common Good. "Catholics are hurt, frustrated and a bit angry because nobody is standing up and saying this is not right. "A nun's habit is a special piece of clothing to us. Would I go to a gay function dressed in drag?" asked May. "OK, bad example, but you see my point."

Sister Delta Goodhand, one of the two who received communion from Niederauer, wrote: "Just a quick note to recognize the wonderful mass yesterday at your Church. Your entire congregation was so welcoming and it was great to be able to participate. You are a wonderfully inclusive Church."

"Let them show up again," said an aide to Father Niederauer. "We'll show them some 'inclusion' upside their gay little heads. This is a church for crying out loud."


*Accidentally on purpose

Later, His Room Was Searched And A Large Number Of Fashion Magazines Were Confiscated

We've mentioned before that part of our indoctrination into the role of willing suspender of disbelief was under the wise and benevolent tutelage of the Christian Brothers. Now we realize that to the unsanctified the term Christian Brothers could refer to one of those religious motorcycle gangs, and truth be told, we never were quite sure what the Brothers were supposed to do in the whole church hierarchy, what with the whole brandy making thing and all. Just didn't seem to fit with the mission if you see our point.

Now the priests and nuns, they obviously were major players in the whole papist conspiracy, even if they weren't the most efficient operatives, especially after everyone found out that the tunnels that ran beneath the school connected the convent and the rectory. Before then, everyone thought Father Michael was just flushed with the joy of Christ, but after Sister Angelina was suddenly transferred to a parish in Anchorage, and he stopped being flushed so often, well let's just say we got a whole new appreciation for the term Laying on of Hands.

Anyway, our point is, we've spent some quality time around Peter's flock and in all that time we never knew that the Vatican had a CIA.

A Vatican official suspended after being caught on a hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. "Hey, you want to catch fish, you got to dip your line in the water," said an aide to Pope Benedict.

In an interview published yesterday, Monsignor Tommaso Stenico told the daily La Repubblica he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst.

"Psychoanalyst." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. Well, we suppose that would be Father Psychoanalyst to us, or more colloquially, who's your daddy psychoanalyst.

He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity."

Umm...you mean like clergy who haunt gay chat rooms.

The Vatican said it was suspending Stenico after he was secretly filmed making advances to a young man and asserting that gay sex was not sinful during a television program on gay priests broadcast Oct. 1 on La7, a private Italian television network. "It should be pointed out that Father Stenico is a 00. That means he has a license to sin," an aide to the priest told reporters."

The Stenico case is unusual because he is a relatively high-ranking Vatican official. He heads an office in the Vatican's Congregation for Clergy - the main office overseeing all the world's priests.

Meh. We don't know. Sort of makes sense if you think about it.

In the Repubblica interview, Stenico said he had never been gay and remained faithful to his vow of celibacy. He said he expected to be fully exonerated after a review. "It's all false; it was a trap. I was a victim of my own attempts to contribute to cleaning up the church with my psychoanalyst work," Stenico said.

Yeah. Well how about next time you clean up the church, just keep your psychoanalytic in your pants, OK?

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written before about the overlords' plea to allow them to have every kind of gambling at the tracks, so people would actually come, greyhound racing would be saved and they wouldn't have to go to Walmart Greeter School, and everyone would live happily ever after the end. Well, except the greyhounds, but let's not quibble.

The idea sort of makes sense in a weird sort of illogical way. See, the only thing the overlords know how to do is take advantage of people with even less common sense than they have (Don't worry honey, I'll win the rent money back tomorrow). And since it's becoming painfully obvious that no one with an IQ above that of car exhaust likes to see the units exploited anymore, finding another way to fleece the rubes...er...provide gaming opportunities is the only way the overlords can see to avoid the labor market.

So how's that working out?

Like the landmark Derby Lane greyhound track in St. Petersburg, dog tracks around the country are losing ground in the competition for the casual gambler, as increased availability of slot machines, state lotteries with huge payouts, and off track betting in many states have given people other places to spend their gambling dollars.

Yeah. Well, cheer up. It could be worse. At least your boss won't shoot you for not increasing profit. Well, not right away anyway, right Stroker?

Stroker is settling in. He goes to the toy basket and pulls them all out and drops them but doesn’t really play with them. He is a happy boy and his tail goes around like a helicopter. He follows his foster mom around most of the time. He’s right there and has to know everything that is going on. Stroker would do fine with a working family with children over the age of 5. He is good with other dogs, but he could also be good as an only dog, since he attaches himself to the people in the home more than the foster family’s greyhound. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wait. You Mean He Got Somebody To Marry Him?

We're coming to you today from the You Learn Something Every Day Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YLSED is a wholly owned subsidy of the Ain't That A Kick In The Head Corporation, in partnership with the It Just Goes To Show You Company.

It seems that Laura Bush is not just some actress hired to make George seem more palatable. It appears she actually lives in the White House and knows the president personally. Who knew?

First Lady Laura Bush, who once maintained a low profile when it came to international affairs, has stepped into the diplomatic spotlight by becoming a top US critic of Myanmar's military junta. "Well, truth be told, she's the only one in the administration who could pronounce Merrymir, er, Myra moore, um, well see?" said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

Ditching her meek, schoolteacher-librarian image for tights and a cape, the president's wife has become "Uppity Woman!" outspoken foe of people far away who probably don't speak English anyway.

"Hearing her voice, I think it inspires people to think about what's happening in Mirror ma, er, Myra man, um, Burma and to join us in taking some action," Perino said. "Plus anything that diverts people from thinking about the president can't hurt."

"The president, of course, sees Mrs. Bush as a tremendous asset and a very good spokesperson on some of these issues," Perino said, adding "especially since he still thinks China is what you eat off of."

"My influence is really in being able to shine a spotlight on human rights situations that I want the American people to look at, and keep them from looking at what we're doing," Bush said.

Bush's interest in Myanmar was sparked in 2002 by a cousin of her husband, Elsie Walker, said the first lady's spokeswoman Sally McDonough. "It came up as part of a drinking game."

Mrs. Bush began following the story in the press, which she discovered in 2006, and has repeatedly consulted with UN chief Ban Ki-moon and UN ambassadors, urging the world body to take action. "At first she thought the supply of material for the president's happy balloons was threatened, but later she learned there was no connection between Myanmar and Mylar," said a White House spokesperson. "But by then the word had gotten out and she decided to follow through."

"It is not like Laura Bush is way out on a limb with her advocacy," said Bruce Gilley, assistant professor at Canada's Queens University and an expert on Myanmar. "She is basically a voice reflecting a general consensus, at least in the West."

Yeah. Well it's not like she really cares either," said an aide to Mrs. Bush.

Hmmm...so is she really Uppity Woman, defender of people who've never heard of her, or something else...something...evil...

SITE Sent You A Video!

You know, you have to hand it to president Bush. He's managed to start an unnecessary war, kill an iconic American city, wreck the treasury, severely mangle several popular and helpful domestic programs, shred the constitution, and ensure that most of the world will hate us for the foreseeable future. And he's still got over a year left to go! We know, you're thinking surely the guy must be running out of things he can screw up by now.

See, here's where everyone misses the president's greatness. They think he's the worst president ever, oops, we mean Worst. President. Ever. Most of the country thinks he's a talentless, bumbling idiot who wouldn't know a good decisions if it came up and bit him on the a...well, you get the picture.

We here in the marbled halls of IM central are not about surface manifestations though, oh no, far from it. This blog is dedicated to deep thought and cutting analysis. Well, when we're not busy draining our weng wengs. No, not that weng weng, that weng weng. Anyway, we've subjected the reign...erm...administration of this president to the scalpel's edge of our intellect and have determined that he is, in fact, a very talented individual. His competency is incompetency. That's right, president Bush is perhaps the most adept total screwup ever to spill chocolate milk in the lunch room at 1600 Pennsylvania Boulevard.

Want proof? Check it:

A small private intelligence company that monitors Islamic terrorist groups obtained a new Osama bin Laden video ahead of its official release last month, and around 10 a.m. on Sept. 7, it notified the Bush administration of its secret acquisition. It gave two senior officials access on the condition that the officials not reveal they had it until the al-Qaeda release. By midafternoon that day, the video and a transcript of its audio track had been leaked from within the Bush administration to Fox news and broadcast worldwide.

Less that five hours from top secret to Lou Dobbs people! And you say this guy can't get things done? No wonder the islamofascistcommieninjashadowwarriors are afraid of us. We are winning Teh War On Terra!!!1!!

The founder of the company, the SITE Intelligence Group, says this premature disclosure tipped al-Qaeda to a security breach and destroyed a years-long surveillance operation that the company has used to intercept and pass along secret messages, videos and advance warnings of suicide bombings from the terrorist group's communications network.

Oh, yeah. Well, there is that too.

"Techniques that took years to develop are now ineffective and worthless," said Rita Katz, the firm's 44-year-old founder.

"Well, in the president's defense, he never really paid much attention to intelligence reports anyway," responded Dana Perino, White House Press Secretart.

The precise source of the leak remains unknown. Government officials declined to be interviewed about the circumstances on the record, but they did not challenge Katz's version of events. "When you work in this administration you get used to people pointing out that you screwed up," said one aide to the president who asked not to be named. "It's just another day at the office for us."

They also said the incident had no effect on U.S. intelligence-gathering efforts and did not diminish the government's ability to anticipate attacks. "Nothing minus nothing is still nothing," said one White House aide.

Within minutes of Katz's e-mail to the White House, alerting them to the video, government-registered computers began downloading the video from SITE's server, according to a log of file transfers. The records show dozens of downloads over the next three hours from computers with addresses registered to defense and intelligence agencies. "We thought it was porn," said a spokesperson for Homeland Security."

While acknowledging that SITE had achieved success, the officials said U.S. agencies have their own sophisticated means of watching al-Qaeda on the Web. "We have individuals in the right places dealing with all these issues, across all 16 intelligence agencies," said Ross Feinstein, spokesman for the Office of the Director of National Intelligence. "But most of all we still have the magic eight ball," he added.

Al-Qaeda supporters, now alerted to the intrusion into their secret network, put up new obstacles that prevented SITE from gaining the kind of access it had obtained in the past, according to Katz. "It's a redirect to everythingbritney.com," she said.

Oh, When You Said Vet, We Thought You Meant Veterinarian

Oh sure, you think president Bush doesn't care about the veterans returning from the war because of what happened at Walter Reed , but hey, he called for a "probe." What's the guy supposed to do? He's just the president. Or maybe the loss of 26.5 million veteran's records upset you, but come on. They'd only known about those problems for five years, what do you expect? Miracles? Well, the VA has been trying to do that. On paper at least.

Look, the bottom line is no one takes care of veterans like their own. Take the Army for instance. What do they do to reward the longest serving unit in Iraq when it finally returns? Why, everything in their power to make sure the members of that unit receive the full benefits for their service, right guys?

1st Lt. Jon Anderson said he never expected to come home to this: A government refusing to pay education benefits he says he should have earned under the GI bill.

Well, look, no system is perfect. We're sure yours is an isolated case.

Anderson's orders, and the orders of 1,161 other Minnesota guard members, were written for 729 days. Had they been written for 730 days, just one day more, the soldiers would receive those benefits to pay for school. "Which would be allowing the soldiers an extra $500 to $800 a month," Anderson said.

"I would assume, and I would hope, that when I get back from a deployment of 22 months, my senior leadership in Washington, the leadership that extended us in the first place, would take care of us once we got home," said Anderson's fellow platoon leader, John Hobot.

Yeah. Say, listen, we're going to have to get back to you on that. We got a lapel pin crisis going over here.

Both Hobot and Anderson believe the Pentagon deliberately wrote orders for 729 days instead of 730. Had they been written for 730 days, just one day more, the soldiers would receive benefits to pay for school.

"We don't count leap year," said an Army spokesperson. "Besides, what do they care about school? They're going back in six months anyway."

If You Think This Is Good, Wait Until You're Old Enough To Vote

Ah, guest speakers. We remember them fondly from our days as inmates of the American educorporate training system. Although truth be told, we weren't allowed access to the general public on too many occasions. It may have had something to do with our willingness to answer rhetorical questions, like the time the local pastor started his talk by asking what religion was. "The organized worship of a deity or deities," said one of the miscreants in the back row.

Kind of took the wind out of the good Padre's sails.

Another time the local shill from the Chamber of Commerce stopped by to extol the virtues of unfettered capitalism. "America is the only place where nothing stands between you and success," says he. "Except the color of your skin," opined Dan, whom everyone referred to as Black Panther Dan due to his rather strong views on race. Oddly enough, years later we were to find out that Black Panther Dan was actually Haitian, not African American as we all had assumed. Don't know why that matters, except it did explain his musical preferences.

Anyway, the point is if we had had guest speaker like this, maybe we'd have all turned out differently, or at least let the speaker get on with his presentation unmolested.

A state legislator surprised a high school class when the computer he was using projected a photo of a nude woman during a lecture on how a bill becomes a law.

OK, given the size of the D.C. Madam's phone book, senator Vitter, and Duke Cunningham, we're not sure that for the republicans, how a bill becomes a law doesn't really involve a naked lady somewhere. Oh, and let's not forget Mark Foley, oh wait, that one is about boys, OK let's do forget that one.

State Representative Matthew Barrett was giving a civics lesson when he inserted a data memory stick into the school computer and the projected image of a topless woman appeared.

Hmmm..."civics lesson." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. And whose "memory stick" was inserted where?

Police interviewed Barrett and school officials and seized the data memory stick and the computer to determine where the image came from, a state highway patrol spokesman said. "This is going to take hours of intensive investigation," the spokesperson said. "Hours and hours. Maybe days."

Barrett said there were a few snickers from the approximately 20 students in the senior government class at Norwalk High School when the image appeared.

"A few snickers?" See, this is what's wrong with kids today. They just don't know how to respond appropriately when presented with a true educational opportunity. Why, if anybody had of showed us a picture of a nude women back in the day, the janitors would have been hosing kids off the ceiling for a week. We knew how to make our educorporate overlords' efforts worth their while.

Barrett said the school's technology director determined the stick had a directory of nude images in addition to his presentation on civics lessons. "There was 'Voting is Bootilicious,' 'The Housewife and the Pollster,' and ''Debbie Does Democracy,' to name a few, he said.

Barrett said the data memory stick was a gift he received about three weeks ago from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio. "I believe her name was Tawny Spankalot," Barrett said.

(Not) Friday Hound Blogging

Going to be out and about tomorrow performing community service...erm...service to the community, so as not to disappoint our many skinny dog fans we bring you an FHB prequel.

Occasionally we have discoursed on the business acumen of the overlords. You see, it takes a special breed of person to see investment opportunity where others see innocent living creatures. Most business opportunities include analysis of risks and opportunities, potential for return on investment, planning, stuff like that. But for the overlords, the risk is on the greyhounds (Hey, how many CEO's are killed when the company's profits don't measure up) so this makes the exploitation business the classic win win scenario. Well, if you aren't a greyhound that is. And planning? Phffft. How many times have the overlords told us the units "love to run?" Greyhound racing. It's like a license to make money.

THE NSW Government has launched a $7.5 million financial assistance package for the horse and greyhound racing industries with $1 million going to the harness racing industry and $500,000 to greyhound racing, which has also lost revenue.

Oh. Well...uh...yeah...say, what about this: It's a temporary situation. All we have to do is get people interested in unit exploitation again and the money will start flying around like feces in a money cage. Right Mr Carney?

The owner of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park promised yesterday to make a strong bid to bring a resort casino to his 100-acre property and vowed to use local backers to make it happen.

Right. Pretty soon the rubes will be lining up at the betting windows again with their two dollars...wait...what did he say?

In an interview, Carney declined to say who he expects to recruit as local investors. But he said the park's location, near Interstate 495 and Route 24, is superior to the known competitors for a casino license in Southeastern Massachusetts.

Casino...hmm....OK we see your plan, you lure gamblers in with slots and stuff, then when they see how exciting and addictive it is to bet two dollars on the units, they give up the tables for the bleachers. Brilliant!

Spurred by the three-month success of high stakes poker, the Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track's poker room will be getting bigger in October. "Our business has probably doubled," said card room manager Cindy Fra.

But, but, what about the dogs? Wasn't this supposed to be about helping the overlords maintain the high degree of care and training their investment required?

"Last fall, it was dead in here on Sunday afternoons," Fra said. "Not anymore. People can now come in, play cards and watch the games."

Jason Ellis, a 24-year-old poker player from Naples, said while the stakes still aren't as high as they are in Las Vegas, the play is on the same level. "I just wish they'd do something about that dog pound or whatever it is out back. All that barking interferes with my concentration."

Yeah...OK...we"ll get right on that. Hey, keep it down will you, Pepper? People are trying to gamble here.

Pepper is confident, outgoing, energetic, intelligent, playful, well-mannered, and very affectionate and lovable. She will approach you for pets and gives you the come hither look. She is very flexible and can curl up into a safety pin position. She enjoys playing with toys and will throw them in the air and chase them around the house. Although she is 8 years old, she doesn’t act like a senior. While she has the white muzzle, she acts more like an active 4 year old. Pepper would be good in a home with other dogs of all sizes or as an only dog. She would be good in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. She needs a home with a yard where she can run or with someone that will exercise her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Democrats In Da House Baby! We're Sorry, Was That Too Loud? Maybe We'll Just Sit Over Here And Be Quiet

Oh ye of little faith. We told you a new day was dawning when the democrats took over Congress. OK we didn't, but you don't read past entries anyway, so that's the story we're going with. Anyway you've made fun of the democrats ever since they took over, laughing at them for continually caving to the president, caving to all the feigned outrage at Moveon.org and ignoring the fact that they managed to...uh...they managed to...OK, never mind that, what we're talking about is the democrats have ended the war! Yay!

The House, with overwhelming, bipartisan support, voted yesterday to give the Bush administration two months to present to Congress its planning for the withdrawal of combat forces in Iraq.

Yeah. Hey Cheney. How you like us now, Biotch?

Under bill, the defense secretary would have 60 days to present to Congress plans for withdrawing combat forces and making a transition from a military mission to one of counterterrorism and the training of Iraqi security forces. But the measure would not specify a withdrawal timeline or require the administration to implement the plan.

Sixty days. You hear that. There's a new sheriff in town and he's given you 60 days to come up with a plan you don't have to implement.

Wait. Say that again.

But the measure would not specify a withdrawal timeline or require the administration to implement the plan.

Riiiight. Listen, thanks for coming by. It looks like you put a lot of work into this and we're going to look it over carefully. We really should have lunch sometime. Why don't you have your people call our people and we'll set something up.

Republican leaders dismissed the bill's significance. The staff of House Minority Leader John A. Boehner released a fact sheet emphasizing that the bill would not require a withdrawal of forces. "We thought the democrats were wusses when we were in charge," he said. "Now they're in charge and they're even bigger wusses. Hey, republicans might be crooks and perverts, but at least we're good at something.""

If anything, the bill is simply "a slap in the face to the Left," Boehner's fact sheet said. "If by 'left' you mean the 66% of Americans who want something done about this fiasco Bush has gotten us into."

Many Democrats were not particularly impressed either. "I don't think anybody likes it, but it does paint an important picture: Can we at least get a plan on the table?" said Representative Tim Ryan. "That is, if it's all right with you Mr. Cheney, sir."

Even as House leaders were pursuing a compromise on the non-plan plan, three leading House Democrats vowed yesterday that they will not entertain Bush's war funding request until he dramatically changes his Iraq war policy. "And by 'vow' we mean until the president comes out of the White House and gives us one of those looks again," said Senate majority leader Harry Reid. "He's a scary scary man."

What About If You Guys Just All Moved To Another Country? Say, Alabama?

Ah, conservative, christian funny mentalists. The gift that keeps on giving. Seems they can't find anyone up to the moral and ethical caliber of George Bush in the current bus load of screaming whackos (tm) that comprise the republican candidates for president, so they've gone looking elsewhere. Conspiracy conventions, assisted living centers and under bridges we assume, but looking they are and finding they hope to do.

Some of the nation's most spectacularly bonkazoid, pedal to the metal, full bark mode conservative christians, alarmed by the prospect of the country moving into the 21st century, are considering backing a third-party candidate. "You know, we haven't seen the son of god around much in the last 2000 years or so," said Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, a conservative policy group in Washington. "It would really help our cause if we could recruit someone who could turn people voting democratic into ash, or frogs or something."

Participants in the meeting included James Dobson, founder of the Focus on the Family evangelical ministry, and car wash in Colorado Springs, Colo. "The lord has instructed me to direct my minions to take over this country," Dobson said. "In accordance with the best traditions of our democratically elected government of course, which will be bent to my...er...our will. Now excuse me while I speak in tongues. Boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom!! Thank you. Please give what you can."

Dobson has said he wouldn't support Giuliani, calling the former New York mayor an "unapologetic supporter of abortion on demand." Dobson has also rejected former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson as wrong on social issues, and wouldn't back John McCain because of the Arizona senator's opposition to a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. When asked if the candidates position on the war, or domestic policy issues entered into his decision, Dobson replied, "What war?"

Richard A. Viguerie, the direct-mail expert and longtime conservative activist would not give specifics of the proposal or reveal additional names of participants, but said President Bush "would not have been elected in '04 without the people in that room. Which is why I've contacted the Federal Marshall's witness protection program. We have got to get these people some protection."

"There is such jaundiced feelings about any promises or commitments from any Republican leaders," Viguerie said in a phone interview. "Republicans are the christian family values party. We should have seen this coming years ago. Too late we find out they're just like us."

A spokesman for the Republican National Committee did not respond to a request for comment, but did hold his index finger up to his temple, twirl it around and then point at Dobson.

The participants were in Salt Lake City for a separate meeting of the secretive Posse for Busting Up The Heathens, a group of conservative business, religious and political studz that was co-founded years ago by Tim LaHaye, author of the "Left Behind" series of books. Vice President Dick Cheney flew into the city Friday to address the group, according to The Salt Lake Tribune but was barred from entering the meeting when the archangel Gabriel appeared at the door and ordered him away.

Viguerie said conservatives "are still open" to former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. "We like the fact that he's had every position imaginable. We know ours are in there somewhere, it's just a question of which set of beliefs he'll stop on if he gets elected. That's a gamble and we don't do that stuff. Well, not much anyway."

"Conservatives have been treated like a mistress as long as any of us can remember," Viguerie said. "They'll have lots of private meetings with us, tell us how much they appreciate it and how much they value us, but if you see me on the street please don't speak with me."

When asked if that was an appropriate metaphor for a conservative christian group, Viguerie replied that he wasn't sure, but "it worked for Vitter."

Richard Land, head of the public policy arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, was not at the meeting. But he said no one floating the idea of a third party thinks there's much chance the candidate would win. He considers the proposal a reaction to "moguls of the Republican establishment" who think conservative Christians will support the GOP no matter what. "A lot of them won't hold their nose and do it," Land said. When asked what they would hold, Land refused to answer.