And By Their Acts You Shall Know Them

Politics make strange bedfellows. Just ask Larry Craig...erm...maybe we should ask Mark Foley...ah...maybe not. How about Neal Horsley...oh...uh... ew? Bob Allen? No, huh? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

OK, so mentioning republicans and bedfellows isn't such a good idea for a family oriented blog, but the point we were trying to make is Pat Robertson (motto: My gaydar cannot be defeated, bitchez) has endorsed Rudy Giuliani (One stop shopping for all things 9/11). In giving his endorsement, Roberts told reporters that god had let 9/11 happen so Giuliani could become president and smite the homos.

The former New York mayor backs abortion rights and gay rights, and dresses in drag. "Yeah, but at least he's no Mormon," Robertson said.

"Besides, I hate all those people now," Giuliani added. Robertson then praised Giulani as a "leading representative of christian values."

Evangelicals have split in their support for the leading republican candidates. Kansas senator Sam Brownback, a favorite of Christian conservatives dropped out of the race last month. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney recently announced that Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III were on board with his candidacy. "So I see Giuliani's Robertson, and raise him a Weyrich," Romney said.

When asked how a group of people who purported to have a direct channel to the will of god could be so split on which candidate to choose, Robertson replied that god had been depressed after his Rockies lost the world series in four straight and hadn't been answering his pager. "We're expecting a hurricane or earthquake in Boston any day now," Robertson said. "Maybe locusts."

Later Giuliani's office issued a statement saying that he had been misquoted when he said he was a Sox fan. "He was either drunk or high at the time," the statement said.

God was not available for comment according to Robertson.

If You're Going To Hate, At Least Be A Good Christian About It

Frequent readers of this blog probably didn't do well on career aptitude tests...er...we mean, frequent readers will notice that from time to time we like to indulge in a delightful and refreshing adult beverage. Admittedly in a most un-adult like way, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, everyone needs a hobby. We tell you this because we don't want you thinking that today's post is a figment of a Stoli induced alternative reality. Well that's not completely accurate. It's about Alabama, which is possibly its own alternative reality.

Members of one Ku Klux Klan organization say they will assemble at the courthouse November 10 to show their opposition to another Klan group that plans an anti-immigration rally there that day. "They've really gone off the reservation," said Ken Mier, who described himself as an investigator for the Alabama Ku Klux Klan and the national office of the Ku Klux Klan LLC. "We're not against illegals because they're illegal, we're against them because they're brown."

"We are also opposed to the ignorance and stupidity as displayed by the individuals that thumbed their nose at the area churches by continuing to use racial slurs, threats and avoided Christian deportment," he said. "They need to realize that when you're out in public hating on somebody there are certain Christian principles that need to be followed."

At the protest, held several hours after thousands of motorcyclists traveled through the city on the annual Trail of Tears ride, several National Knights Klan members gave anti-immigration speeches.

Mier said his group was disgusted that the National Knights would interfere with the Trail of Tears ride. "Look, here we are turning one of the most disturbing episodes of our treatment of American Indians into a motorcycle swap meet and these guys have to come along and cheapen it by taking some shots at the Mexicans. Let's keep focus here people, that's all I'm saying."

Fer schizzle. Although in defense of the National Knights, all non-white people look alike to them.

The Senate Will Now Have An Emergency Recess Because The Portapotties Have Arrived

A while back we told you about our own state senator Mike Bishop, Michigan's answer to the question can a boy with no talent and little brains grow up to be a politician with no talent and little brains. Seems back then Mr. Bishop had a run in with a little thing called the first amendment. Could have happened to anybody, after all, who has time to read all that stuff that comes across your desk. There's budgets to be blocked and government to be disrupted. A mans' got to have his priorities.

Well, we check in on the good senator today and see he has moved on from trying to control the free flow of information in a democratic society to setting his sites on people's sphincters.

Senate republican leader Mike Bishop has banned access to all Senate bathrooms. "And it's not just because of Bean Burrito night," said Bishop's Chief of Staff Matt Miner, the bathrooms will be closed until they determine exactly who has been writing "bad things" on the bathroom walls.

"Look, we don't mind the occasional 'for a good time call Jennie,'" Miner said. "But lately The comments have gotten a lot more personal and destructive." When asked for examples, Miner said most were too offensive for the public, but several aides mentioned comments like "Why don't you get off your dead butts and pass a budget," or "Tax is not a four letter word," or "Democracies run on deliberation, consensus and compromise, you idiots."

Assistant Secretary of the Senate Pam Nyquist reported that it was possible that Senate-issued Sharpies were used to write these messages, and "that would not be appropriate." When asked to explain, Nyquist admitted that there was scant legal basis for her opinion, but added it was in the best interest of the legislature "not to let debate replace blind adherence to party doctrine. After all, if you let in debate then people are going to be wanting the facts to back up their debates, then you start letting facts in here and the whole thing goes to heck in a hand basket. Is that what the people of Michigan want?"

Erm...yeah?

Does Hallmark Have A Card?

Hey. Did you know this is take an islamofascist to lunch week? Or something like that. We didn't pay too much attention to the announcement, but it seems David Horowitz wants to organize a sort of racist Woodstock, but without the music, drugs or free love. Still, it'll be fun for the whole family!! Er...white family.

During the week of October 22-26, 2007, the nation will be rocked by the biggest conservative campus protest ever – Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week, a wake-up call for Americans on 200 university and college campuses.

Umm...we're on one of those college campuses, and David we got to tell you, turnout is somewhat...erm...how to say this politely...thin. And by thin we mean nada, zilch, bupkus, crickets in the grass time, wind in the trees, lonely train whistle off in the distance. On the bright side, the soccer game hosted by the Arab Cultural Society was well attended.

The purpose of this protest is as simple as it is crucial: to confront the two Big Lies of the political left: that George Bush created the war on terror and that Global Warming is a greater danger to Americans than the terrorist threat.

Ha! Finally the truth is out. George Bush started Global Warming.

According to the academic left, the Islamo-fascists hate us not because we are tolerant and free, but because we are "oppressors."

Yeah. So let's get to some oppressing, dudes! Umm...but first we need to get ready for Global Fest.

This Is Why We Drink

Usually after disgorging our daily lump of verbiage on an unsuspecting public it's off to the freezer to chip out the Stoli, but today we decided to make one last sweep of the tubz and came upon this:

Feature Length Doc "Einstein Wrong" Looking for Executive Producer

Two Oscar Winning Distributors Wanting a Rough Cut

LONG BEACH, Calif, October 16, 2007 - Bootstrap Productions is currently looking for an executive producer for it's feature-length documentary "Einstein Wrong - The Miracle Year" due out in 2008. The documentary is about a suburban house wife who takes on the icon of 20th century physics to see if in fact relativity is wrong.

We wish we were sober enough to make this stuff up. Or not sober enough to make this stuff up. Whatever. On the bright side, we're told this housewife comes from a large family and feels she has the expertise to critique Einstein because of all her relativity. Said she has relativity all over the country.

h/t P.Z.

PS: "Doc" means documentary, not flamingly stupid, mind numbing mush that will turn your brain into marshmallow. Or maybe it does.

OK, Say You Win. How Do You Plan To Collect?

Sometimes, as we peruse what passes for news from the mainstream media here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we are taken with the thought that local politicians don't have enough to do. Then we read something like this and we're sure of it.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. While the deity had no initial comment, sources close to his celestial magnificence expressed concern, as there are no lawyers in heaven. "We're making arrangements to contact Satan and see if we can work out some sort of deal for Johnny Cochran," said the Archangel Michael.

Chambers said that it is to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. "Just kidding," Chambers told a delegation of clergy. "Can't the big guy take a joke?" He said his main objection is that the constitution requires that the doors to the courthouse be open to all. "Can't we do something about giving everyone rights? Who's idea was that anyway?"

Chambers' lawsuit, which was filed in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats. "And that's just the old testament," said Chambers' lawyer. "We haven't even gotten to the Jesus years yet."

The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is omnipresent. "So he should have no trouble making a court date," Chambers told reporters.

The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, the New York Yankees, and the like."

The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction. Plus, we're pretty sure he had something to do with the invention of the Krispy Kreme bacon double cheeseburger."

Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He said as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as expeditiously as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit. "And he can lay off the drought thing too," Chambers added. "It's getting way too dry out here."

Later that day, Chambers told reporters he had moved his first born to an undisclosed location.

Hi, I'm Larry Craig And I Hear There's Some Grabbing Going On Around Here

This whole Senator Craig think really hasn't penetrated the Stoli fog much here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We mean, come on. Another republican in trouble for being the exact opposite of everything he says he stands for? Where's the news? These folks are walking projections, and the Em Ess Em is still surprised by that? Oh well, guess there were no missing white women that day. By the way, where is Paris?

So we're trying to go about our business here, scanning the internetz, looking in all the tubez for places interested in selling various prescription palliatives without the nuisance of an actual prescription when we run across this headline: Craig supporters call for boycott of Minneapolis airport.

Now, we're not exactly frequent fliers, but the last time we checked, unless you're the pilot, you don't get to choose what airport you fly into. But let's let them tell it:

Supporters of Sen. Larry Craig with the American Land Rights Association are calling for a boycott of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul Airport.

We're sorry, did you say the American Land Rights Association? Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days. Not as smooth on the tongue as "wide stance" but, it's your lifestyle choice, go ahead:

The Battle Ground (Washington) based association says airport police who arrested the senator in a men's room sex sting are responsible for weakening private property rights in the West.

At this point one of two things happen to rational people: Their heads explode, or they convince themselves they're reading The Onion.

We, on the other hand, foolishly wondered what land rights in Washington had to do with an old Queen from Idaho playing footsie with a cop in Minnesota so we made the mistake of reading on.

The American Land Rights Association, which has an office in Washington, D-C, advocates for the use of federal lands and against what it calls federal "land grabs."

Ah, "grabs." Now we're getting somewhere.

The association says the airport should apologize to Craig for what it calls "ambushing" the senator.

What? And then federal lands in Washington will be released to strip mall developers? Are strip mall developers gay too? OK, we're not getting this, but who cares? Look. Vicodin, no prescription necessary.