Nice Country You Got Here. Be A Shame If Something Happened To It

Well, well well, it looks like even if the Iraqis did stand up, we'd push them back into their chair and say "Whoa mister. Just where do you think you're a going without old Uncle Sam a telling ya it's OK. "

Or something folksy like that. Sort of takes the sting out of the M-16 we have pointed at their heads.

Iraq's government, seeking protection against foreign threats and internal coups, will offer the U.S. a long-term troop presence in Iraq in return for U.S. security guarantees as part of a strategic partnership, two Iraqi officials said, as Bush's advisor on the Iraq war adviser on the Iraqi war, Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute pretended to drink a glass of water next to them.

This is "a set of principles from which to begin formal negotiations," Lute said. "And by negotiations I mean we'll tell the Iraqis where we want to build our bases and what parts of theri country they can't come into anymore."

As part of the package, the Iraqis want an end to all U.N.-ordered restrictions on Iraq's sovereignty. "We might as well have unrestricted sovereignty," said one Iraqi official. "We won't be using it until the Americans take all our oil anyway."

The two senior Iraqi officials said Iraqi authorities had discussed the broad outlines of the proposal with U.S. military and diplomatic representatives. "And by 'discussed' we mean the Americans showed us the contract. We discussed whether to sign it in blue or black ink, and that was that. We went with the black. More professional looking."

Members of parliament were briefed on the plan during a three-hour closed-door meeting during which lawmakers loyal to radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr objected to the formula. "Hey, we turn over our country to a foreign power, set up a puppet government and proceed to bleed our country for the American economy. What's not to like?" said one Sunni official.

Preferential treatment for U.S. investors could provide a huge windfall if Iraq can achieve enough stability to exploit its vast oil resources. "You say that like it's a bad thing," said one pentagon official close to the negotiations.

At the White House, Lute said the new agreement was not binding. "Irrevocable, unalterable, inescapable, unbreakable, compulsory, obligatory, mandatory sure, but binding? Nah."

"We believe, and Iraqis' national leaders were told to believe, that a long-term relationship with the United States is in our mutual interest," Lute said.

Lute said, having the U.S. as a "reliable, enduring partner with Iraq will cause different sects inside the Iraqi political structure to bet on the reliable partnership with the United States. And if history teaches us anything, it's that the U.S. is reliable. Just ask the Kurds after the first Gulf War. Or the Vietnamese, or Native Americans. We stand by our word."

When asked about the plan, U.S. Embassy spokeswoman Mirembe Nantongo noted that Iraqi officials had expressed a desire for a strategic partnership with the U.S. in a political declaration in August. "Which was actually a little late," she added. "We sent them the memo telling them they were interested in a strategic partnership back in March."

The Kids Are All Right. The Adults? Eh, Not So Much

We're coming to you today from the Fear for the Future Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. FFF is a wholly owned subsidy of What's The Matter With Kids Company in partnership with the Generation of Suspects Corporation. Seems a group of so called young people in Illinois don't they know they're just supposed to color in the bubbles on the scantron sheet and nag their parents for lead filled toys.

Over 70 students participated in a sit-in against the Iraq War on All Saint’s Day, Thursday, November 1st. It began third hour when dozens of students gathered quietly in the lunchroom at Morton West High School and refused to leave.

Kids? Gather round. First of all, "gathered quietly?" For a demonstration? See, uh, well, just ask your parents. OK, ask your grandparents.

The administrators and police became involved immediately and locked down the school for a half hour after class ended. Police? What, did the students "gather quietly" with menacing looks on their faces?

Students were promised that there would be no charges besides cutting classes if they took their protest outside so as not to disturb the school day. The students complied, and were led to a corner outside the cafeteria where they sang songs and held signs while classes resumed.

"It was right after that when we locked the school down," said the principal.

Despite a police line set up between the protesters and the student body, many other students joined the demonstration.

"Well, if fairness to our officers, some of the kids are kind of small," said a representative of the Sheriff's Office.

Deans, counselors and even the Superintendent tried to change the minds of a few, mainly those students with higher GPA scores to abandon the protest.

"Yeah. We figured those with high GPA's wouldn't be going into the Army anyway, so what did they care?" said one counselor. "Turns out they did. Kids. Go figure."

The school called the homes of many of the protesters. Those whose parents arrived before the end of school and took their students home, or left before the protest ended at the final bell, received 3-5 days suspension. Students caught in the school after the final bell lock down received six day suspensions. "We're new at this," said the principal.

All others, an estimated 37 received 10 days suspension and expulsion papers. Parents report that Dr. Ben Nowakowski, Superintendent stated those who are seventeen will also face police charges. "We're going to charge them with being uppity," Nowakowski said. "I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a minor to do stuff like that."

Yeah. Wouldn't the kids thinking they, like, had a stake in what goes on in the country or anything.

Democrats In Da House Baby! We're Sorry, Was That Too Loud? Maybe We'll Just Sit Over Here And Be Quiet

Oh ye of little faith. We told you a new day was dawning when the democrats took over Congress. OK we didn't, but you don't read past entries anyway, so that's the story we're going with. Anyway you've made fun of the democrats ever since they took over, laughing at them for continually caving to the president, caving to all the feigned outrage at Moveon.org and ignoring the fact that they managed to...uh...they managed to...OK, never mind that, what we're talking about is the democrats have ended the war! Yay!

The House, with overwhelming, bipartisan support, voted yesterday to give the Bush administration two months to present to Congress its planning for the withdrawal of combat forces in Iraq.

Yeah. Hey Cheney. How you like us now, Biotch?

Under bill, the defense secretary would have 60 days to present to Congress plans for withdrawing combat forces and making a transition from a military mission to one of counterterrorism and the training of Iraqi security forces. But the measure would not specify a withdrawal timeline or require the administration to implement the plan.

Sixty days. You hear that. There's a new sheriff in town and he's given you 60 days to come up with a plan you don't have to implement.

Wait. Say that again.

But the measure would not specify a withdrawal timeline or require the administration to implement the plan.

Riiiight. Listen, thanks for coming by. It looks like you put a lot of work into this and we're going to look it over carefully. We really should have lunch sometime. Why don't you have your people call our people and we'll set something up.

Republican leaders dismissed the bill's significance. The staff of House Minority Leader John A. Boehner released a fact sheet emphasizing that the bill would not require a withdrawal of forces. "We thought the democrats were wusses when we were in charge," he said. "Now they're in charge and they're even bigger wusses. Hey, republicans might be crooks and perverts, but at least we're good at something.""

If anything, the bill is simply "a slap in the face to the Left," Boehner's fact sheet said. "If by 'left' you mean the 66% of Americans who want something done about this fiasco Bush has gotten us into."

Many Democrats were not particularly impressed either. "I don't think anybody likes it, but it does paint an important picture: Can we at least get a plan on the table?" said Representative Tim Ryan. "That is, if it's all right with you Mr. Cheney, sir."

Even as House leaders were pursuing a compromise on the non-plan plan, three leading House Democrats vowed yesterday that they will not entertain Bush's war funding request until he dramatically changes his Iraq war policy. "And by 'vow' we mean until the president comes out of the White House and gives us one of those looks again," said Senate majority leader Harry Reid. "He's a scary scary man."

Is That A Sock In Your Huggies, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Hey, the Petreaus *cough* whitehouse *cough* "report" got you down? Tired of hearing the troops will come home if you just give us six more months? Thinking that building full of sissies perverts and criminals we call Congress won't do anything to end the war? Again. Figure we're going to stay in Iraq forever? Cheer up. We are!

So let's see what the good republican pervert is up to. You know, the one who, even though he bought hookers and engaged is some pretty kinky...erm...variations on the missionary position, is at least a hetero. Hey, you take your victories where you find them.

That's right, we're talking about that Lothario of Louisiana, the in flagrante delicto of Family Values the Huggies Humper, the one and only--well, OK, not the one and only--but let's give it up anyway for Daaaaavid Vitter!!

Weeks after U.S. Sen. David Vitter tried to discredit her allegations, a woman who used to work as a prostitute in New Orleans passed a lie detector test averring that she had a "sexual relationship" with Vitter that lasted at least four months. "There's no way she's telling the truth," said a spokesperson for Vitter's office. "Dave's a real horn' dawg. He ain't lettin' no filly tie him down that long. Wait, can I rephrase that?"

The woman, Wendy Yow Ellis, claims that she had intercourse with Vitter in a French Quarter apartment at Dauphine and Dumaine streets in 1999, the year the Metairie Republican was elected to Congress. "Look he'd just been elected," the spokesperson said. "Everybody has their own way of celebrating."

Ellis, whose maiden name is Wendy Yow, said Monday that she took the polygraph test because Vitter tried to impugn her credibility at a news conference in July, when he denied news reports about his involvement with prostitutes in New Orleans without being specific.

Vitter's office later issued a statement saying the senator hadn't intended to impugn Ellis, but "after a while all them girls start to look alike, and the senator just couldn't place her."

Vitter's press secretary refused to comment about the lie detector test Monday. "Senator Vitter and his wife have addressed all of this very directly," Joel DiGrado's statement said. "The senator is focused on important Louisiana priorities like the decriminalization of prostitution and containing the spread of genital herpes."

Ellis said she and Vitter had safe sex and that he did not have any unusual proclivities. She said he paid $300 an hour for her services."He was a very clean man," Ellis said. "He came in, took a shower, did his business and would leave."

"And that's the kind of focus, dedication and commitment that Louisiana needs," DiGrado said. "Plus he's clean and fastidious about his personal grooming."

OK, then why'd he take a shower first?

Those Who Cannot Remember The Past Are Condemned To Make It Up

Regular reader(s) of this blog probably had some sort of trauma in their childhood that they're repressing...er...we mean have probably noticed that from time to time we like to poke good hearted fun at our current potentate, president dissimulation and his merry band of feckless claqueurs.

But not today, for we have found something we have in common with the bandersnatch in chief: neither one of us paid attention in history class. Although in our defense, we have to say that given how things turned out, our lack of historical recall has only resulted in our occasional embarrassment when trying to keep up with contestants on Jeopardy which we would argue has done far less damage to the planet than, say, blowing up a country and killing its residents. Not to mention over 3000 of the citizens of the country you were sworn to protect and serve.

But we digress. Experts say that president Bush may be misrepresenting history when he drew a parallel between the bloody wars Americans fought in East Asia to the current US "war on brown terror" to back his case for maintaining US troops in Iraq. "We say 'may' because we're not sure the president even remembers Viet Nam and we're pretty sure he thinks Korea was the backdrop for a TV show starring Alan Alda," said a spokesperson for the group of historians.

Bush likened the "terrorists" who wage war in Iraq to the communist forces in Korea and Vietnam and imperial Japanese army. "Now, technically the people we fought in those wars were yellow and not brown," said White house Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "But that's OK because we're just going for the non-white motif here."

"Three decades later, there is a legitimate debate about how we got into the Vietnam War and how we left," Bush told a group of dozing American war veterans in Kansas City, Missouri. "But I don't know anything about that so I"m going to come up with my own reasons.

"My understanding of the history of the Vietnam war and the lessons of that differs rather dramatically from Mr Bush's," Robert Hathaway, an Asian expert at the Washington-based Woodrow Wilson Center for Scholars. "Of course that could be because I didn't spend those years drunk and high."

Hathaway said that despite the eight-year US military involvement and its heavy casualties in Vietnam, Washington was still unable to create popular support in the south for a government that was widely considered to be corrupt and unpopular. "Sort of like Iraq now."


"So one of the lessons, at least for me, is the American tragedy in Vietnam is that military force by an outside power -- a power that many people in Vietnam viewed as an occupying force -- was not sufficient to create the political conditions for genuinely popular government in South Vietnam nor the political will to fight for that government," Hathaway said. "Again, sort of like Iraq. Hmm...maybe the president does have a point."


"We were in Vietnam for 10 years. We dropped more bombs on Vietnam than we did in all of World War II in every theater. We lost 58,700 American lives, the second-greatest loss of lives in a foreign conflict. And we couldn't work our will," he told the Los Angeles Times "What is Bush suggesting? That we didn't fight hard enough, stay long enough?"

"OF course not," replied Snowjob. "The president is making the point that we have to stay in Iraq at least 10 years."

Bush. George Bush? That Guy's Still President?

We're coming to you today from the balcony overlooking the Pit of Rising Despair just off of the north portico here at the marbled halls of IM Central. Occasionally we like to wander out here in the evenings with our favorite greyhound...no not that greyhound, that greyhound, well, actually both greyhounds are our favorites, just in different ways, right Stoli? C'mere boy. Good dog. Now, go get daddy some more ice.

Where were we. Oh, yeah, the building chorus of teeth gnashing, hair pulling and chest beating rising up from the Pit as more and more republicans realize that when they go for a job interview after they aren't reelected and face that inevitable question: What did you do in your previous position? Their answer is going to have to be: Supported an idiot president who got the country into a needless war. And then lost it. The war we mean.

Senate Republicans are growing increasingly nervous defending the clusterf...er...war in Iraq. More than a year before the 2008 elections, it is a political role reversal that bodes ill for the few republicans who remain unindicted for money laundering activity, or criminal sexual conduct. "Those of us who aren't going to jail are beginning to get concerned about being reelected," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky who is not currently under investigation for anything.

Yet as the party leader, McConnell is more circumspect than many Republicans in his characterization of the administration's war strategy. Asked whether he agreed that the conflict had been badly mismanaged McConnell declined to respond verbally, but spelled out "The president's insane" using American sign language.

"The strategy we had before was not the right strategy,"Senator Christopher Bond, told reporters at midweek. When asked if he was competing with the president for the number of times he could state the completely obvious as if it were a new and startling revelation, Bond responded that he was "distanced" from the current administration. "I'm a straight talking Maverick," he said. "And I'll tell you exactly what I think. As soon as I get it from Cheney's office."

"Today's mission is focused on reelection," said senator Jon Kyl. "Erm...al-Qaida. I mean al-Qaida," reflecting what other senators who must run in November say privately.

One Republican senator, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the shift in talk of a military objective was a prelude to a change to a strategy that would pull U.S. troops back from a civil war between Sunni and Shiites. When asked why he requested anonymity, senator Lieberman replied that he didn't want to give the impression that he was no longer supporting president Bush. "I have my own nickname," he added.

But focusing attention on al-Qaida raises familiar questions: Were terrorists present in Iraq before the 2003 invasion. "Well, of course not," said senator Kyl. "What are you? One of those people who only watches Fox News or something?"

According to several officials, senator George Voinovich, and McCain engaged in a brief, impromptu debate touching on that point recently at a private meeting of the rank and file."Well, it wasn't much of a debate really," said one observer who asked not to be identified. "Everybody pretty much shut up and went back to their seats when Cheney came in."

Only four of 49 Republican senators defected in last week's showdown on deadlines for troop withdrawal. The group did not include senators John Warner of Virginia, Richard Lugar of Indiana, Pete Domenici of New Mexico and other senior lawmakers who are seeking a change in course. "Oh, you mean we have to vote on this stuff too?" asked Domenici. "I'm going to have to get back to you on that part."

"In May, Republicans were dismissing even tough questions about the escalation. Now, they're falling all over themselves to distance themselves from the president," said senator John Kerry. "Well, that's not entirely true," responded senator Lugar. "We're republicans. We don't 'fall all over ourselves.' We have our staff do that while we are driven away in the limo."

This Week Only! 30% Refund On Unexploded Cluster Bombs. Plus Half Off All Artificial Limbs

Dag! Here's poor president Bush searching all over the place for a way to win in Iraq when the answer was right in front of him all the time: Toothpaste. That's right, toothpaste. See, while Bush and all the generals he eventually ended up firing because they couldn't win were thinking the secret was blowing things up and shooting people and stuff, the answer was in getting the Iraqis to think of the Americans as the quicker picker upper instead of an occupying army of foreigners.

Why does BBDO hate America?

The key to boosting the image and effectiveness of U.S. military occupations around the world involves "shaping" both the product and the marketplace, and then establishing a brand identity that places what you are selling in a positive light, said clinical psychologist Todd C. Helmus, the author of "Enlisting Madison Avenue: The Marketing Approach to Earning Popular Support from People You're Trying to Kill." The 211-page study, for which the U.S. Joint Forces Command paid the Rand Corp. $400,000, (after manufacturer's rebate) was released this week.

"See, it turns out getting their houses blown up really negatively impacts positive feelings towards the agents of that destruction. We're thinking of giving all the combat patrols coupons to Home Depot to distribute after they kick someone's door in," Helmus said.

Helmus and his co-authors concluded that the "force" brand, which the United States peddled for the first few years of the occupation, was doomed from the start and lost ground to enemies' competing brands. "We really should have used focus groups," Helmus told reporters. "We weren't aware the our slogan 'Shock and Awe' would carry a negative connotation with the people who were being bombed. Fox News tested it for us and said it was a slam dunk."

Helmus acknowledged that it could be too late for extensive rebranding of the U.S. effort in Iraq. "Once a Yugo, always a Yugo," said a representative of the Rand Corporation.

"This isn't just about going in and blowing things up," said Duane Schattle, whose urban operations office at the Joint Forces Command ordered the study, "This is about working in a very complex environment. And then blowing things up."

Walmart's desired identity as a friendly shop where working-class customers can feel comfortable and find good value, for example, would be undercut if telephone operators and sales personnel had rude attitudes. ""Well, sure, you like them now," Schattle said. "But give them automatic weapons and tell them to clear the parking lot and then see how popular they are. Oh, and no rain checks either."

Helmus recommends expanding military training to include shaping and branding concepts such as cultural awareness, and the study underscores the perils of failing to understand your consumer. "In the big picture though, it becomes somewhat problematic how you develop this level of understanding when your objective is to kill the consumer. We're still working on that," Helmus added.

Schattle acknowledged that much of what works for consumer advertising in the United States might not translate well in Baghdad. But urban ops, he said, is all about experimenting and adapting to new realities. "We'll do better in Iran," he added.

Maybe They Need A Union

America is at war. OK, so it's a war with a bunch of guys in caves, but hey, you go with the war you have, not the one you wish you had. Anyway, the point is, if you're going to fight a war you need soldiers, otherwise you have to send donors and supporters, then where's the money and free publicity going to come from? See, you think it's easy to get someone else to fight a war for you, but it's not. You got evidence to concoct, stories to make up, journalists to fool. OK, that last one isn't so hard, but what this all means is lots of things are going on and it's easy for things to fall through the cracks, like...umm...well, the whole planning the war thing, for one. Equipping the troops properly is another. Minor details really, but still, they mount up.

Take the troops for instance. Aside from wanting to be protected as much as possible when people shoot at them, they want someone to help put them back together after they get blown up, and they want to be paid. This can be a problem when you're cutting taxes to increase the value of all your rich friends' portfolios. What to do? What to do?

Bush administration has said it "strongly opposes" a military pay raise for next January of 3.5 percent. "This is just budgetary irresponsibility," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "I mean, this war is already costing us an arm and a leg. If we don't cut costs we're going to have to ask the average American to quit buying Support The Troops car magnets and instead maybe pay more taxes, or not buy so much crap. Then what's going to happen to support for the war?"

The administration also grumbled that the Senate intends to block for another year Tricare fee increases for under-65 retirees and dependents. "Hey, these guys aren't going to be deployed anymore," Snowjob said. "What do they want from us."

The objections appeared in a "Statement of Hypocritical Stuff We Need To Do To Keep From Actually Facing Reality" from the White House's Office of Management Idiocy and Budget Over Runs delivered to Senate leaders as they opened floor debate on the defense authorization bill. Senate Republicans, at White House urging, blocked amendments that would have shortened Iraq tours for U.S. ground forces and slowed the frequency of war deployments. "How can we fight this war if nobody's over there fighting? " asked Snowjob. "If we couldn't keep the soldiers fighting made up enemies we'd have to fight the real ones. Is that what you want?"

Meet The New Reasons. Same As The Old Reasons

Boy Howdy, president Churchill is In Da House! er we mean Prime Minister Bush. No. OK, you explain America's Mr. Never Surrender then you Islamofascistninjashadowwarriorhomolover...umm...we mean person whose patriotism cannot be called into question just because he disagrees with DER FUHRER!!!11!!

Sorry. Maybe we should just move on.

Bush fought to buy time for his irrational Iraq strategy, as his chief spokesman resignedly said that the war-torn country's lawmakers would take an August vacation. " "You know, it's 130 degrees (54 Celsius) in Baghdad in August," Tony Snowjob explained. "Can you imagine what that does to all those jihadiis hiding on rooftops looking for a clean shot at Maliki?"

Snowjob refused to criticize the move because the Iraqis "quit listening to us years ago" or say whether there had been recent US efforts to threaten them, even though top US officials including Vice President Dick Cheney had done so. "Well, in his defense I have to say that disarmed, Cheney isn't as persuasive as he can be," he added.

In a fresh blow to Bush's mismanagement of the war, two of his Republican party's dwindling supply of continent white men, Senators Richard Lugar and John Warner, urged him to start pulling US troops out of the cross-fire by the end of the year. "Or next year. Or the year after that," Warner said. "The president, who I completely disagree with by the way, knows what he's doing and deserves our support."

"We are attempting to ensure that US military and diplomatic policy is prepared for change when the Petraeus report arrives in September," said Lugar, whose plan does not include a hard date for completing the withdrawal. "Hey, I said 'prepared' for change," he added. "I didn't say we'd actually do anything. This is Congress for crying out loud. Why do you think the people sent us here?"

The move came one day after the House of Representatives voted to withdraw most US combat troops by April and as Bush held a videoconference with top military aides in Baghdad and Washington to hammer home his point that the war can, and must, go on until he's safely hidden away in Paraguay. When asked if there shouldn't be some sort of plan to achieve victory if that was the desired result, the president responded that he "wasn't a detail man."

While he spoke, the aides sitting around the conference table at the White House, including Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs chairman General Peter Pace adjusted the pieces on the White House Risk Board.

Bush, who has vowed to veto any legislation mandating what he calls reality, also underlined that "there's still a lot of work to be done," just eight weeks before the deadline "and we've got to come up with more progress."

"I grant you it's not a lot of time," said White House spokeswoman Dana Perino. "We're under no illusion. Now the president, that guy's a walking, talking boogalooing illusion factory, but hey, you govern with the president you have, not the one you wish you had."

"The president is saying, 'Let's give it a little bit more time to work,'" said Perino, "And yeah he's been saying that for four years now, but the classics never get old, do they?" She added that that the Democrats lacked the two-thirds majority to override a Bush veto. "Oh, and cojones. They lack the cojones too."

She also emphasized that House Republicans had, with few exceptions, sided with the White House -- even as increasing numbers of the party's heavyweights in the Senate have broken with Bush's plan. "Yeah. We care what you say."

And the president himself summoned a phalanx of conservative columnists who support the war for chocolate milk at the White House and to repeat why his approach deserves more time. Most declined to show up, however saying Bush was using the same reasons he always had and they could just change the dates on articles they had written a couple of years ago and still make their tee times.

Look, You Need To Forget That I Asked You For Another Six Months Just Six Months Ago

Groundhog Day. That's all you need to know about this.

A Bush administration report to Congress citing a lack of progress by the Baghdad government is "a look at the beginning of the initiation of the first phase of the approach to the on deck area of the back of the starting line's approach zone of the U.S. troop surge, preliminary to the actual surge, which will be just before the surge in earnest which culminates in the mother of all surges. Unless we run out of benchmarks for the Iraqis to miss. Then we start over." a White House spokesman said.

"What Congress will get this week is a snapshot of the beginning of the retooling of the development of the contemplation of the idea of the possibility of a mission in Iraq," said Tony Snowjob. "We're sorry the snapshot is so out of focus, but it's hard to get things in focus...WHEN YOU'RE INSANE!!! HAHAHAHA... Oh. Did I say that last part out loud?"

"Some of the benchmarks have been made, some of them haven't," he said. "Maliki getting through most days without getting shot at? Check. Electricity in Baghdad? Not so much."

Rebuffing reality, president Bush said he won't succumb to the voters. "I'm the knowledge guy," he said. "I know what I'm doing. Now will someone help me tie my shoes. I've lost the instruction sheet." During a visit to Parma Ohio he reiterated that troop levels in Iraq "will be decided by our commanders on the ground, not by political figures in Washington D.C.. Well, except for me, that is, 'cause I'm the commander guy. And the knowledge guy too. I can be both because I'm the decider, just ask Dick."

"I fully understand that this is a difficult war. It's hard on the American people but I will once again explain the consequences of failure,"Snowjob said. "See, when the Supreme Court failed us in 2000, that lead to the appointment of a serial failure to the presidency which coupled with the fact that Congress is a bunch of girly men, except for Hillary lead to the failure of the system of checks and balances that, in the past, had kept fools like our current chief executive from doing too much harm. Sort of a perfect storm of idiots. The rest, as they say is history. Anyone got some Maalox?"

Snowjob said he thought news accounts of the status report on Iraq were too gloomy. "All the media talk about are the people who were killed and wounded. What about the people who escaped? For them it was a very good day, but do we hear their stories? No way. Do they thank us for being there? Nope. Just think what would happen if we never invaded and no bombs were going off in your neighborhood, Mr. ungrateful A Rab. Where would you be then, huh? I'm sorry, what was the question?"

The administration, including Defense Secretary Robert Gates, has stressed a September time frame for a wide-ranging assessment of operational strategy after about 4 1/2 years of battle, and has said such a review would be more appropriate then. When asked why, he responded, "Because September is two months closer to when we get out of here to Paraguay."

One U.S. official said that the July report would push the administration to consider its next move, which will be the same as the last move, but with a different name. "We're thinking Son of Surge, or maybe Surge: Part Deux. Catchy huh?"

Another senior official, however, said that Bush and his advisers had already decided no change in policy was justified as yet because there was not enough evidence from Iraq. Just give us a couple more F.U.'s," the official said.

Eternal Sunshine Of The President's Mind

The president is a lot smarter than you think. He grasps Einstein's theory of relativity. Einstein was talking about how time can seem to go at different rates and to explain it he used the analogy of a person sitting on a hot stove, and a person sitting in the park on a warm spring day with his true love. For the person on the stove, the seconds seem like hours, but for the person in the park the hours seem like seconds.

The president gets this. See for us, Iraq is like sitting on a hot stove, but for him, Iraq has been like sitting in the park with the voices in his head. It's just been a couple of minutes for him while thousands of Iraqis were displaced, wounded, killed and basically had a whole generation wiped out, while here at home families were devastated, lives destroyed and thousands of wounded soldiers returning from his neo-con, chest thumping, "Let's you and him fight," testosterone induced, tragedy called "The Bush Foreign Policy" are left abandoned. So it is with a clear conscience, and a bright smile (once Laura wiped the chocolate milk mustache off) that he can ask for more time in Iraq.

The White House appealed for more patience on the war in Iraq as Democrats warned for the 237th time that the clock was running out and a prominent Republican declared that president Bush's policy is not working, the sun rises in the east and the pope is a catholic. "Bush is an idiot," said Senator Richard Lugar R-Ya Think?. "I see that now, but more importantly, I see the need to get reelected."

White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said Lugar was a thoughtful man and that his remarks came as no surprise. "Is there anybody that doesn't think Bush is an idiot?" he asked. "Other than the people who watch Fox news I mean."

"We've known that he's had reservations about the president for some time," Snowjob said "Basically since he stopped watching Hannity and somebody ugly. That action was not authorized by the vice president's office by the way."

Lugar's position is unlikely to affect votes on upcoming anti-war legislation. Spokesman Andy Fisher said that Lugar is not planning to switch his vote and embrace a deadline for troop withdrawals. The purpose of the speech was to express his concerns publicly before Bush reviews his Iraq strategy in September, Fisher said. "It's not like the Senator actually believes any of this," Fisher added. "We just need to start distancing ourselves from the Clown in Chief if we're ever going to have any hope of getting reelected."

Lugar's grim assessment of the war puts substantial pressure on the administration to change course. "No it doesn't," said Snowjob. "We're at 28, 29 percent approval and we're pumping more targets...er...soldiers into Iraq. You think we care what people say about us?"

Most Republicans have said they were willing to wait until the fall to see whether Bush's recently ordered troop buildup in was working. But if progress is not made by then, GOP members say they will demand a change in course. "Unless the president needs more time," said an aide to a Republican Senator not up for reelection. "It's all relative."

OK, You've Been Trying To Kill Us for The Last Four Years, But If You Sign This Paper We'll Let That Go

Boy, we know just how the president feels. We've had those D'oh moments too. You know that, Oh jeez, why didn't I think of that before time, like when Bill Gates beat us to developing an operating system for computers, or Ben and Jerry's beat us to the Coconut Cream Pie Lowfat flavor. Hey, we didn't say they were all good ideas.

Anyway, it seems the president has finally figured out how to solve the troop shortage: Tell the Sunnis they're on our side now. Brilliant! A U.S. program to combat al-Qaida in Iraq by arming Sunni Muslims undercuts the Iraqi government and years of U.S. policy, and is a tacit acknowledgment that the country's violence is really a civil war, some U.S. military officials in Washington and foreign policy experts say. "Well sure, every policy will have some downsides," said a White House Spokesperson. "But you're the ones who wanted us to do something different."

The program, which Bush administration officials have hailed as a sign of progress in Iraq, has sparked heated debate among military and foreign policy analysts. "Look, these are the very same guys who tell you we're winning when the violence goes up because the insurgents are desperate, and we're winning when the violence goes down, because it's going down," said a state department official who asked not to be identified. "They have about as much a chance of coming up with a viable policy as I do of becoming Angelina Jolie's boy toy."

By giving weapons and training to Sunnis in Anbar and Baghdad who've been previously associated with Sunni insurgent groups, the program endorses unofficial armed groups over official Iraqi forces as guarantors of Iraqi security, military officers who oppose the program say. "Oh yeah, like Maliki's government was ever going to work in the first place," said the White House aide. "We can't handle natural disasters in this country, you think we know how to handle a man made one 6000 miles away?"

At the Pentagon, at least six officers who served in Iraq shook their heads when asked about the idea of arming the Sunnis. Three other officers banged their heads into walls, and one colonel threw himself down a flight of stairs.

"It is the U.S. basically acknowledging that Iraq is in a civil war," said Vali Nasr, an expert on Shiism at the Council on Foreign Relations, a nonpartisan foreign policy organization. "And that the (Iraqi) government is irrelevant."

"The president does not acknowledge that he is in a position to acknowledge that acknowledgment," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "I can't make it any more clear than that."

In Baghdad, the mostly Shiite government already is saying it cannot be expected to disarm militias if Sunni groups are receiving arms from the Americans. "What? They don't trust us?
asked Snowjob.

Maliki told Newsweek that U.S. forces are making "mistakes by arming tribes sometimes." He said coalition forces don't know the backgrounds of tribes they're backing. Askari, his aide, said Maliki has given orders to Iraqi Security Forces to treat the U.S.-armed groups as "outlaws."

"Big deal," said Snowjob. "We don't know who we're fighting half the time now."

"There is risk, but we are at a point in this endeavor where we think, and the government of Iraq generally thinks, that some risk must be taken. You cannot just continue to do what we were doing, in some areas, and expect to have different results," said Lieutenant General Graeme Lamb, deputy commander for Multi-National Force-Iraq. When asked to elaborate, General Lamb said, "Well, when I say risk, I mean we haven't got a freaking chance, but if this doesn't work, plan B is to try and get the Sunnis hooked on baseball."

Lieutenant General Raymond Odierno, the No. 2 commander in Iraq, acknowledged that the government was worried about the new plan. "Sure they are concerned," he said. "They want to make sure that we are not forming a Sunni militia that will fight the government. And I say to them, of course they're not going to fight the government. They're going to turn the guns on us."

Odierno said that the Sunnis working with U.S. forces are checked closely and are asked to sign a statement that they will not fight U.S. forces or the government. "Sign a piece of paper," said a Maliki aide. "Can the Americans be that dumb?" another aide added, "Have you met their president?"

Abu Bilal, a leader of an Islamic Army cell working with the U.S. military there, said he is committed to expelling the "occupation." "We fight the occupation to liberate our lands," he said.
"In retrospect, it probably would have been better to have asked him who he thought the 'occupiers' were, us or al Qaida, before we gave him the guns," said Odierno.

Hello. My Name Is Doug And I'll Be Your Scapegoat Today

Never underestimate the desperateness of a desperate man. A while back we told you about the difficulties our Bungler in Chief was having finding a fall guy for Iraq after Rummy left. The posting was on Craigslist and everything. We heard he even put in on Wonkette, thinking that since most people who read that blog are drunk, or stoned, or both it was sure to reach some of his old buddies.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Bupkis. Sound of crickets.

Now that's truly a puzzler. Here's the president offering someone the opportunity to be the face of one of the most egregious miscarriages of policy ever, one of the most tragically unnecessary wastes of resources in modern times, one of the most disingenuous, dishonest, down right criminal applications of government power since, well, ever, and there are no takers.

What to do, what to do...Wait. The president is the commander guy. If he can't find a retired general who's shell shocked enough to take the job, then he can just get an active duty guy and order him to take the job.

It's good to be the president.

Bush this month nominated Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to become deputy national fall guy on Iraq and Afghanistan, a newly created position intended to reach across agency boundaries and better execute the president's policy on the two wars.

Wait. The president has a policy?

Sure. It's keep flinging people in front of him whenever questions of responsibility come up until his term is over and he escapes to Paraguay.

Wow. Guy sure is a forward looker isn't he?

Yeah. He's got the vision thing.

The general picked by President Bush to become his war patsy said he has serious concerns about the Iraqi government's ability to take control of its country, no matter how many patsys the president finds. "I'm telling you this now, because after you confirm me, I'll be back to tell you how great things are going in Iraq," said Lute.

"How much more time should we give after four years in Iraq?" asked Carl Levin, D-Combover.

"I'd say six months," Lute replied. "Of course I'll say that six months from now and six months from then as well. Truth is, as long as the president's in office and you guys have the gonads of a titmouse, we're never getting out of there."

Last month, Bush signed war spending legislation that -- for the first time in the four-year war -- conditioned U.S. aid for the Iraqis on Baghdad's ability to meet certain milestones. "We figure it's easier to ignore unmet Iraqi milestones than our own," Levin said. "Besides, if the president can make a war czar responsible for his mistakes, we can make the Iraqis responsible for the fact that we haven't got a pair."

Lute said he will work closely with Bush national security adviser Stephen Hadley, who will have a broader portfolio. "Wait a minute," said Levin. You're the czar, right? How can an adviser have a 'broader portfolio' than a czar?"

"Did I say czar" Lute responded. "I meant dupe."

Bush's decision to create the new position raised questions among lawmakers about its necessity and its ability to improve conditions in Iraq. "If those other individuals were properly doing their job, this position wouldn't be necessary," said Senator James Webb, D-I Beat Macaca, referring to other administration officials with purview over Iraq policy.

"Right," Lute replied. "But this setup ensures that none of them will ever have to take any responsibility for being total screw ups."

Ain't that America?

What You Don't Know Only Hurts Us

Well, looks like we're finally about to get some good news out of Iraq. If by good news you mean no news.

Iraq's interior ministry has decided to bar news photographers and camera operators from the scenes of bomb attacks, operations director Brigadier General Abdel Karim Khalaf said. "When Cheney was here he said put an end to the violence, so this is what we came up with."

His announcement was the latest in a series of attempts to curtail press coverage of the ongoing conflict. "There are many reasons for this prohibition," Khalaf said. "But the biggest one is I like to say 'prohibition.'"

"We do not want evidence to be disturbed before the arrival of detectives, and, as you know, taking photographs of the scene changes it in very subtle way. It's a quantum mechanics thing. The ministry must respect human rights and does not want to expose victims until we can tell them what they saw, and we don't want to give terrorists information that they achieved their goals. Of course the explosion, fire and smoke are probably clues, but we're working on that."

"This decision does not imply a curtailment of press freedom, it is a measure followed all over the world in just about any dictatorship you can find."

In other news, White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said that in the next few weeks, president Bush would present "photographic proof" that progress was being made on the ground in Iraq.

What's That Sulfur Smell? Oh, Hello Mr. Vice President

Well, well, well, what's this? vice president Belial is off his meds and once again roaming the planet on diplomatic missions...or in search of virgin souls, we're not sure. We know this because we've seen birds drop from the sky for no reason, mothers turn on their children and packs of wild dogs gathering at the city limits.

vice president Dick Cheney said Iraq remains a dangerous place, a point underscored by a thunderous explosion that rattled windows in the U.S. Embassy where he had suddenly materialized after a brief, classified ceremony. "But only for those of you who are still alive," he added.

Cheney spoke less than an hour after an explosion could be heard in the U.S. Embassy where he spent most of the day. Windows rattled and reporters covering the vice president were briefly moved outside to a parking lot and asked to wave brightly colored flags and shout bring it on.

Said Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride: "His meeting was not disturbed and he was not moved, but he was sealed in his traveling sarcophagus until the all clear was sounded."

The vice president said Iraq's leaders seem to have a better sense now that they need to do more to reconcile sectarian and political differences. "See, before I came the daily killings, the continual bombings, the general chaos and destruction, well, those weren't clues. They're Arabs. What can I say?"Cheney said.

Asked about security in Baghdad, Cheney told reporters, "You'll have to ask my staff because I'm basically delusional and only listen to the voices in my head." But he said based on conversations he had throughout the day, Iraqi leaders felt that sectarian violence was "down fairly dramatically. Unless you go outside."

"I think everybody recognizes there still are some security problems, security threats, no question about it," Cheney said. "But, heck, they're no worse than what shoppers face at an Indiana farmer's market back in the USA."

In Washington, White House counselor Dan Bartlett said Bush wanted Cheney to travel to Baghdad to press upon Iraqi leaders the need to quickly pursue reconciliation measures and meet the irrational and totally arbitrary benchmarks set by Washington. "This gives an opportunity at a very high level for this message to be delivered," Bartlett said. "Plus when Cheney's out of town Bush gets to play with his trains without getting yelled at."

Cheney met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The prime minister said they discussed "practical steps ... to support our efforts working on both the security front as well as the domestic political issues. Although on second thought, the fact that your vice president is going to jail after the 2008 elections doesn't seem to be that big of a problem for me. Is that what you American's call a timetable?"

"I do sense today that there is a greater awareness on the part of these Iraqi officials I talked to of the importance of their working together to resolve these issues in a timely fashion," Cheney said as he packed his shotgun back into its carrying case.

If Bush Is Wrong, The Terrorists Win. Or Maybe It's The Democrats.

Ironicus Maximus is being brought to you today by the Tell Us Something We Don't Know Department. TUSWDK is a wholly owned subsidiary of the We've Heard It All Before Corporation and in partnership with The Inmates Are Running The Asylum Company.

After another bloody weekend for U.S. troops in Iraq the White House said Americans should brace for more U.S. casualties in the push for greater security in Baghdad. White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said the deaths were attributable to "people shooting at our troops and trying to blow them up. At least according to the intelligence we've been able to gather so far."

"We are getting to the point now with the Baghdad security plan where we have to go outside the green zone," Snowjob said. "Not that it seems to matter much anymore where we are."

"We've known that the surge creates a target rich environment for the insurgents, been saying it all along. But we've been fighting four years and now for some reason people are all 'What have we got to show for it' and 'How many more families have to be devastated by the loss of a loved one?'," Snowjob said. "Look, the president and first lady are suffering too. And what about the staff? You think it's easy keeping him in the dark about being the most hated man in America? We're all suffering over here."

Bush has vowed never to accept a withdrawal deadline "as long as my old unit doesn't get activated. Oh, what am I saying I probably wouldn't go anyway."

A Foolish Consistency Is The Hobgoblin Of Little Minds...Right Mr. President?

You know, we've been thinking a lot about president Bush lately. To be honest we've also been thinking about Jolene Blalok, how much longer Paula Abdul can make a career out of not having a career, and the local liquor store's free delivery special. But back to the president.

President Bush's stance on a Democratic agreement to set a timetable on the Iraq war has not changed: he will not accept it. "Look, this guy hasn't changed his mind since he switched from Cuervo to Patrón that summer he was hiding from the Air National Guard in Alabama," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

"If they insist on sending the bill to him in its current form, that has an arbitrary surrender date and handcuffs the generals, the president will veto it," Deputy Press Secretart Perino said. "The president will not surrender," she added. "Of course neither will he learn, grow, change, adapt, admit to mistakes, or take responsibility for anything, including that SBD he cut at the movie last night. Besides, is there anyone who could handcuff the generals better than he has? I don't think so."

As part of the president's push, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was expected to meet Tuesday with key senators, including members of the Senate Finance Committee to discuss the funding bill. Shortly after that announcement was made the Secretary's office issued a statement saying that her appearance had been canceled due to a sale at Bergdorffs.

A leading Republican, meanwhile, warned that Democratic leaders are making an all-too-familiar mistake with the impending showdown: not listening to seasoned commanders. Representative C.W. Bill Young, R - No Sense Of Irony, said catastrophe always follows when civilians turn a deaf ear to their military officers. Aides to the congressman tried unsuccessfully to explain why the room burst out into laughter at his remarks.

General David Petraeus, the new Iraq commander, will try to persuade lawmakers in a private briefing this week to pursue a difference course. He is expected to tell Congress to "Get us the H. E. double hockey sticks out of there."

"I will strongly reject an artificial timetable (for) withdrawal and/or Washington politicians trying to tell those who wear the uniform how to do their job," Bush told reporters in the Oval Office. Later Representative Young tried unsuccessfully to explain to Bush why the room burst into laughter at his remarks.

Don't Make The President Lock Himself In The Bathroom Again

We're coming to you today from the Chicken/Roost Re-homing department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Right now we're out on the south portico watching said chickens coming down the road and heading roostward.

And what is the destination of this little metaphorical jaunt you ask? Only this. Oh, and this. We're betting it's not exactly what the president had in mind when he said "Bring it on."

During an hour long meeting at the White House, after which the president had to take a nap. Bush told lawmakers directly he will not sign any bill that includes a timetable ending his war, and they made it clear Congress will send him one anyway. At that point the president ordered that beans be brought into the oval office and he threatened to shove them up his nose unless the democrats took the timetables out of the bill.

Several officials said the session was polite. But they said it turned pointed when Senator Reid recounted a conversation with generals who likened Iraq to Vietnam and described it as a war in which the president refused to change course despite knowing victory was impossible. Bush bristled at the comparison, according to several officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the meeting was private. One quoted him as saying, "I reject" the comparison. "Of course I reject global warming, evolution, book learnin', and uppity wimmin, so what do I know," the president continued.

Reid made it clear to the President that he understood that after the veto the Vice President would come after him and Speaker Pelosi. "We're pretty sure Cheney's a cyborg," Reid told the president. We recently hired Vic Stone as chief of security for Congress and feel confident Mr. Cheney's influence on that body can be neutralized."

Reid said that he and Pelosi would respond aggressively by interdicting the president's weekly deliveries of chocolate milk. He said he was convinced that they were on the right side of the issue. "Respect Ma Athorata!" Reid is said to have told the president.

At one point, according to officials familiar with the meeting, Senator Dick Durbin, D - Not Getting It, said Democrats had no intention of leaving the troops without funds and noted that gives Bush enormous leverage to bend Congress to his will. He said he hoped some sort of accommodation could be worked out. "Now that's my kind of democrat," the president said. What's an 'accommodation' anyway? Is that where I get what I want?"

Several officials said the president and congressional leaders spent considerable time puffing out their chests at one another, except for Speaker Pelosi who was prevented form puffing out her chest due to federal anti-discrimination regulations.

Outside the White House, Republicans said there was no hope Bush would sign a bill resembling the Democrats' legislation. House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said nothing had changed as a result of the meeting. "The real issue ... is whether we're going to agree to a surrender date, and that's not going to happen," he said. "I say as long as no one I know has to go, we never surrender."

Dana Perino, Deputy White House Press Secretart, said, "It appears that they are determined to send a bill to the president that he won't accept. The president has consistently made clear his position on reality. When it doesn't agree with him, he refuses to accept it. You'd think the democrats would know that by now."

"We came here in a spirit of hope, (phffft!) recognizing that this is a historic opportunity (fffittt!) for the executive branch, the president and the Congress to HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh forget it. We came here to see if the rumors were true that the president actually wore his footie pajamas to work," said Pelosi.

Oh Sure, You've Got Suicide Bombers, But Do You Have A Mascot?

We're coming to you today form the Dubious Achievement Department here at IM Central. A wholly owned subsidy of the Unintended Side Effects Corporation. Now, as part of the cancer that is slowly eating away the brains of young people in this country and assuring that soon we will be a third world country of communists and dirty hippies, we're generally pleased to see education taking a front row in world matters. However we must admit to a certain apprehensiveness at this.

The head of an al Qaeda-led group in Iraq said the country has become a "university of terrorism" producing highly qualified warriors since the 2003 U.S.-led invasion. "We're planning to apply for accreditation next year," said Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, leader of the self-styled Islamic State in Iraq. "We need to make some improvements in our chemistry department first. You can only do so much with fertilizer and kerosene you know. We'll be interviewing prospective faculty next month at the CCC Conference."

"From the military point of view, whitey was right in saying that if Afghanistan was a school of terror, then Iraq is a university of terrorism," said the leader of the group set up last year by al Qaeda's Iraq wing and some other Sunni groups. "At first we were a little concerned that the students were scoring low on their entrance exams, but since we instituted the No Jihadi Left Behind program, we've been quite pleased with their improvement."

"The largest batch of soldiers for jihad ... in the history of Iraq are graduating and they have the highest level of competence in the world," Baghdadi said. "We were disappointed that the American vice president Cheney could not be our commencement speaker. He's done more for the field of terrorist training than any world leader. We've established a scholarship fund in his name."

"The fear of the American Marines has disappeared from the hearts of the people of the world, as the mujahideen have become thousands from the few they were after the fall of the infidel Baath regime," Baghdadi said. "And while it's true the Marines knocked us out in the semis this year, we've got a young team and our coach thinks we'll be even stronger next year."

Baghdadi vehemently denied rumors of recruiting violations at the University. "These are the lies of infidel swine," he told reporters. "We welcome the NCAA investigators. They will be taken from their hotel, blindfolded and brought to campus next Thursday."

Later Baghdadi's office issued a statement confirming the Terrorist University was an affirmative action, equal opportunity employer. "TU is committed to achieving excellence through violent revolution. The university actively encourages applications and/or nominations of appropriately dressed women, persons of other colors, veterans of the worldwide struggle against the crusader and persons with disabilities who still have the ability to blow themselves up," the statement read.

Wanted: Fall Guy. Must Be Highly Decorated, But Not Too Smart

Far be it from us to cast aspersions on our fellow citizens, particularly those who spend the better part of their day sober, but we have to say this seems to be, how shall we say, lacking in team spirit? We mean, sure it looks like a tough gig, but think of the rewards. Take George Tenet. Took the hit for WMD, got a Medal of Freedom. Colin Powell was the administration's sock puppet at the UN, got a...um...got a...OK bad example. Look, the president just needs a stand up guy that's all. Someone to stand up and take the blame.

The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority flail about at the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies, but at least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position. "I'm a soldier, not an idiot," said retired Army General Jack Keane. "I've led men into combat on three different continents. I know a suicide mission when I see one."

"Ever see those clown cars in the circus? Well, this one's looking for a driver, and I ain't into grease paint.," said retired Marine General John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job.

The White House has not publicly disclosed its interest in creating the position, hoping to find someone who didn't burst out laughing the moment they were approached. "The new czar will have 'tasking authority,' or the power to issue directions, over other agencies," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "Not that that means anything as the agencies are about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine. We really just need someone in the spotlight. At least until the president gets to Paraguay.

The administration's interest in the idea stems from the long-standing failure of civilian and military efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan by different parts of the U.S. government. "We thought if we could consolidate all the incompetency under one head, that would be more efficient," Deputy Secretart Perino said.

The highest-ranking White House official responsible exclusively for the wars is deputy national security adviser Meghan O'Sullivan, who reports to national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley and does not have power to speak without being spoken to. O'Sullivan plans to escape soon, giving the White House the opportunity to rethink how it bungles the war effort. "You don't have to hit me with a bat," O'Sullivan said. "I can see what's coming, oh, and Condi, call me."

Kurt Campbell, a Clinton administration Pentagon official who heads the Center for a New American Security, said the difficulty in finding someone to take the job shows that Bush has exhausted his ability to get people to take the fall for him. "I mean, after Rummy, people began thinking, 'hey, I'll need to get a job somewhere when this bozo is out of office,'" Campbell said. "Even people in the Bush administration haven't lost their instinct for survival. That's located in a different part of the brain from the part you have to shut off to work for the guy in the first place."