And While You're Praying? Keep Your Hands Where We Can See Them

We've mentioned before that we spent several of our formative years under the benevolent, if somewhat alcohol soaked gaze of the Catholic School System. And for those of you keeping score at home, no we were not asked by good Father McFeely to polish the holy rod of salvation and save the pagan babies who had died without benefit of being able to drop one of those little collection envelopes into the plate.

Hey, if we'd been able to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pervy payoff, you think we'd be hanging out in this neighborhood?

We had the misfortune of being pastored by a bunch of juice heads. We suspect though, that the attention they didn't direct our way was lavished on the local convent. We always wondered why Sister Regilina Angelica Corpus Mundum was suddenly "reassigned" to Alaska in the middle of the school year and Father Mack left soon after for "missionary work."

Well, be that as it may, the church's troubled times have now come to and end because the pope has decided to corral the diffuse potential of all the Babushkas who sit in the back pews during mass saying rosaries and unleash their madd prayer skillz on the big guy in a coordinated attempt to get him to convince the boys with the backward collars to keep it in their pants.

Pope Benedict XVI has instructed Roman Catholics to pray “in perpetuity” to cleanse the Church of pedophile clergy. All dioceses, parishes, monasteries, convents and seminaries will be expected to organize continuous daily prayers to express penitence and to purify the clergy. "See, we figure if there's someone always around praying, then there'll always be someone around to keep an eye on these guys," said one Vatican official who asked not to be named.

Vatican officials said that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy. "It was either that, or make everyone a member of the choir, if you get my drift," said the official.

The instruction was sent to bishops by Cardinal Cláudio Hummes of Brazil, head of the Vatican Congregation for Total Abstinence by the Clergy and This Time We Really Mean It. He told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that he was acting in the Pope’s name. The Pope wanted Catholics to pray for the “mercy of God for the victims of the grave situations caused by the huge payouts courts are awarding because of a very small part of the clergy,” he said. "Maybe I should have said a very small number of individuals within the population of clergy," he added. "Not that I have any personal knowledge of the clergy's parts. Small or otherwise."

Officials said that the prayers were so the church could divert attention from legal action against pedophile priests by their victims and a code adopted two years ago by the Vatican to try to ensure that men “with deep-seated homosexual tendencies” do not enter seminaries to train for the priesthood. "And yes, we know there isn't necessarily a connection between pedophiles and homosexuals, but we're not real fond of Broke Back mountain in the Rectory either," Cardinal Hummes said.

Cardinal Hummes said that the aim was to put a definitive stop to a scandal that had damaged the financial situation of the Church and forced US archdioceses, including Boston and Los Angeles, to pay millions of dollars in compensation to the victims. "Ladies in the back row, we're counting on you. Wear those rosary beads down to little nubbins," he said.

When the pedophile scandal erupted in Boston five years ago, Pope Benedict XVI accused the media of exaggerating the crisis. "Hey, it worked for Foley." an aide to the pope said.

A month later he lifted the legal protection that the Vatican had given to Father Marcial Maciel, the Mexican founder of the Friendly Uncles of Christ, who was accused of sexual abuse of youngsters while disguised as a Mime. Maciel was banned from saying Mass or speaking in public except at soccer matches. "Guess we showed him," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Pope, who is preparing an encyclical on the social effects of globalisation, gave a homily at St Peter’s on the feast of the Epiphany in which he deplored the West’s “search for excess and the superfluous.” When asked what that had to do with pedophile priests, a spokesperson explained that the Church was beginning a new appraoch to the problem of pedophile priests. "What is it you Americans call it? 9/11! 9/11!"

Later, His Room Was Searched And A Large Number Of Fashion Magazines Were Confiscated

We've mentioned before that part of our indoctrination into the role of willing suspender of disbelief was under the wise and benevolent tutelage of the Christian Brothers. Now we realize that to the unsanctified the term Christian Brothers could refer to one of those religious motorcycle gangs, and truth be told, we never were quite sure what the Brothers were supposed to do in the whole church hierarchy, what with the whole brandy making thing and all. Just didn't seem to fit with the mission if you see our point.

Now the priests and nuns, they obviously were major players in the whole papist conspiracy, even if they weren't the most efficient operatives, especially after everyone found out that the tunnels that ran beneath the school connected the convent and the rectory. Before then, everyone thought Father Michael was just flushed with the joy of Christ, but after Sister Angelina was suddenly transferred to a parish in Anchorage, and he stopped being flushed so often, well let's just say we got a whole new appreciation for the term Laying on of Hands.

Anyway, our point is, we've spent some quality time around Peter's flock and in all that time we never knew that the Vatican had a CIA.

A Vatican official suspended after being caught on a hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. "Hey, you want to catch fish, you got to dip your line in the water," said an aide to Pope Benedict.

In an interview published yesterday, Monsignor Tommaso Stenico told the daily La Repubblica he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst.

"Psychoanalyst." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. Well, we suppose that would be Father Psychoanalyst to us, or more colloquially, who's your daddy psychoanalyst.

He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity."

Umm...you mean like clergy who haunt gay chat rooms.

The Vatican said it was suspending Stenico after he was secretly filmed making advances to a young man and asserting that gay sex was not sinful during a television program on gay priests broadcast Oct. 1 on La7, a private Italian television network. "It should be pointed out that Father Stenico is a 00. That means he has a license to sin," an aide to the priest told reporters."

The Stenico case is unusual because he is a relatively high-ranking Vatican official. He heads an office in the Vatican's Congregation for Clergy - the main office overseeing all the world's priests.

Meh. We don't know. Sort of makes sense if you think about it.

In the Repubblica interview, Stenico said he had never been gay and remained faithful to his vow of celibacy. He said he expected to be fully exonerated after a review. "It's all false; it was a trap. I was a victim of my own attempts to contribute to cleaning up the church with my psychoanalyst work," Stenico said.

Yeah. Well how about next time you clean up the church, just keep your psychoanalytic in your pants, OK?