Come On, We Need This. It's Not Like The Terrorists Know We're Monitoring Their Calls Or Anything

As we enter the twilight of the Bush era--348 days (but who's counting?) it occurs to us that the general response to his tenure has been, well, less that positive overall. Now, we understand that getting us into a meaningless, unnecessary war, botching whatever good feeling toward this country existed in the world, turning parts of several states into third world countries, and shredding the constitution are all activities that are most likely to draw a frown from the general populace, but you have to admit, the guy does care about the country. We mean, at least he has a good heart.

Take the terrorist surveillance law currently in congress. All the president wants to do is protect you and us and to do that he needs to give security agencies certain tools. As the president said, " If this law expires, it will become harder to figure out what our enemies are doing to infiltrate our country, harder for us to uncover terrorist plots, and harder to prevent attacks on the American people."

See. He cares about you. He wants to protect you, your little baby, even your cute cuddly dog, right Mr. president?

President Bush threatened a veto in the debate to update terrorist surveillance laws, assailing Democratic plans to deny protection from lawsuits for telecommunications providers that let the government spy on U.S. residents after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

Now what could be more straightforward than that. Even if the guy is a total doof you have to admit that...wait a minute...what?

Bush's veto threat was aimed at amendments that would bar retroactive immunity to phone companies and other telecom providers that have illegally given the government access to e-mails and phone calls linked to people in the United States. "Look, if these companies have to obey the law, they'll never cooperate with us, said Attorney General Michael Mukasey.

But, but, but, if the law is vetoed, won't that mean it will be harder to prevent attacks on the American people?

"Telcoms, are people too," Mukasey responded. Some 40 civil lawsuits have been filed against telecommunications companies. They carry with them a threat of crippling financial penalties, which the White House says could bankrupt the companies. "Just how much are your Constitutional rights worth?" Mukasey asked. "Are they worth putting my good friend Ed Whitacre out of a job?"

"Private citizens who respond in good faith to an illegal request for assistance by a government run amok should not be held liable for their actions," Mukasey said. "These are patriotic companies who put the good of the country above profit."

Ummm...except when they don't.

The Senate could vote on the surveillance bill and amendments this week. "We're confident they'll cave just like before," Mukasey told reporters. "After all, they care about as much for the Constitution as we do."

All righty then. Well, at least we know why the terrorists haven't attacked us again. They don't need to.

The Union's In Quite A State

You know, the day after Christmas eve is a holiday, the day after new year's eve is a holiday and the day after the super bowl is a holiday. We think the day after SOTUS should be a holiday as well. How much work actually gets done when the entire nation is basking in the afterglow of the masterful speechifications of the Explainerator in Chief, who has once again--and with language that soars in rhetorical flights approaching the conversation of angels--led us from the valley of looming despair up the wind kissed sides of the coruscating mount of the future, asked us to gaze out on the fields of amaranth and be not afraid of the baleful, howl of the wolf. Be not afraid because he is with us, and even though that wolf may prowl to our very doorstep, his hand will forever protect and guide us, for we are his children all.

Well, that and the hangovers.

But even for those people who watched the speech sober we still think that a national day of reflection and contemplation is in order because, as always, the president has given us a lot to think about. For example in Iraq:

"The Iraqis launched a surge of their own . . . and today, this grass-roots surge includes more than 80,000 Iraqi citizens who are fighting the terrorists.

Yay! Those plucky Iraqis. We knew they'd come through. After all, what's more important than national pride?

The citizens Bush mentioned are actually Sunni neighborhood-watch groups that have been hired by the U.S. military for $300 a month.

Well, we're sure somebody paid Benjamin Franklin when he was our ambassador in France too, so it's not like they're just doing it for the money or anything.

Military officials said they are unsure what will happen when these "citizens" are no longer paid.

Oh. Well, what are you going to do? So much of world events are beyond our control, right Mr president? Now, take the economy. There's something we can do something about, right?

"Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800. . . ."

Yeah! Right on! Let us keep the money we earn. Protect the working man, that what we're talking about!

Bush makes the potential expiration of his tax cuts sound like a big deal for the average American, but his estimate of the financial impact is skewed because the cuts have disproportionately helped the very richest citizens.

America's greatness comes from the sweat of the working man and woman's brow. That's why we need a government that...wait a minute...what?

The median American household will pay roughly $828 more in taxes in 2011 if the Bush tax cuts expire, according to the Tax Policy Center, a non-ideological think tank venture. The richest 1 percent of American households, in contrast, would have to pay an extra $64,154 a year when the tax cuts expire.

They would pay 64K just in taxes? Sweet Brioni clad Jebus in a Bugatti Veyron, if that's just their tax bill, how much are the making? And more importantly, where do we get a job like that?

Excuse us. We're going to see if there's any Stoli left in the freezer.

You Can Fail Some Of The People Some Of The Time, I Have Tried To Fail Everyone Equally

ZOMG! ZOMG! Today is SOTUS day and we don't have a thing to wear! Oh wait, all we do is sit on the couch while the president takes us on a personal tour through the looking glass. OK, so pajamas will do.

We're big fans of the president's yearly trip across the landscape of his delusions here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central, and not just because it's comforting to know there's someone out there more disconnected from reality than we are, but because these are historical events, something future generations will look back on and go WTF???!!!??!

So what does Mr. 31% have in store for us tonight?

George Bush, struggling to stay relevant in the twilight of his presidency (not that anyone is counting), delivers his final State of the Union speech tonight with an urgent new mission: heading off a U.S. recession.

Umm...would that be the same George Bush who, less than ninety days ago said, "But when they take a hard look at the statistics--and the reality--I hope it brings them some comfort to know this economy is strong and is setting all kinds of records."

See why we like this guy? Now we'll admit to a certain flair when it comes to disconnecting ourselves from the dominate space time continuum, but there's no way we could do stuff like that and not have our heads explode. The guy's a pro, that's all there is to it.

By taking credit for a bipartisan effort to enact a $150 billion stimulus program because Americans can buy themselves out of anything, he may at least partially mitigate the legacy of his previous failures to forge consensus on revamping immigration laws and overhauling Social Security.

Oh, you are far too kind. Immigration and social security were minor failures, not even in the top ten. This guy has failures that make Harold Stassen look like John Kennedy, that make Custer look like a military genius, that make the guy who invented New Coke look like a marketing wizard, that make...well...you see our point. Guess what? You've lived our point for the last seven years. Yeah. Sorry to bring it up. Stoli's in the freezer.

The specter of recession gives Bush a chance to show leadership and define his final months in office through something other than the Iraq war.

If Bush's leadership on the economy is anything like his leadership on the Iraq war, prepare to sell your kids for firewood.

"Normally, these State of the Union speeches can be pretty drab,'' Leon Panetta, former chief of staff to President Bill Clinton. said. Tonight's address is different because the "the country is in deep economic crisis and Americans are looking for answers from their political leaders. But no leader could make it so we'll have to listen to Bush instead."

In his speech tonight, Bush also will make another appeal for making permanent his 2001 and 2003 tax cuts that begin to expire in 2010. "Because lord knows that when the government is running a nine trillion dollar deficit, the last thing you want to do is increase the money coming in," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "It's high level economics stuff. You wouldn't understand."

It remains to be seen whether Bush's speech tonight will improve his tarnished crisis-management reputation following his response to Hurricane Katrina or reverse the widespread perception that his economic policies are out of touch with the needs of average working Americans.

It also remains to be seen if donkeys will fly.

"It's an opportunity for Bush to put something on the positive side of his legacy,'' says David Kennedy, a historian at Stanford University.

Meh. Our money's on it's not happening, but on the bright side, maybe Cheney will try to strangle Pelosi...

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You, Ten Things I Hate About You: President's Cut

We're coming to you today from the Coals to Newcastle Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. CtN is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Selling Refrigerators to Eskimos Corporation.

A liberal advocacy group plans to spend $8.5 million in a drive to make sure president Bush's public approval doesn't improve as his days in the White House thankfully come to an end. "This guy's been a steaming pile of Bull's nasty since he took office," said Brad Woodhouse, president of the group. "We figure the odds are he's way over due to do something right so we want to keep people focused on the big picture."

Americans Desiring Competence plans to undertake a yearlong campaign, spending the bulk of the money on advertising, to keep public attention on what the group says are the failures of the Bush administration. "Couldn't you just rely on the news to do that?" asked one reporter.

"The news only reports Bush's most recent failure," Woodhouse replied.

The group plans to announce the campaign at a press conference during a forum featuring rational human beings. It also aims to air its first ad in advance of Bush's State of the Union speech. "We were thinking about just running a list of all the policy failures, botched programs, bad decisions, and muffed opportunities, but when we got that ad together it was an hour and twenty minutes long, so we had to go back to the drawing board," Woodhouse said.

"Framing his legacy helps us in the '08 elections, there is no doubt about that," Woodhouse said. "But our principal mission would be defining the failures of Bush and the ideology he represents." Several reporters in the group expressed confusion, being unaware that Bush had an ideology. "We figured anyone that inept had to be just winging it," one commented.

Looking to test Bush support within the GOP, Americans United is distributing "I am a Bush Republican" buttons to Republican members of Congress before the State of the Union address. "Oh, yeah, I'll wear that," said one republican senator who asked not to be named. "Right after I shave my head and paint my butt blue."

Woodhouse also plans to unveil a bus that will travel the country carrying an exhibit that portrays Bush's tenure in office — mementos from Iraq and flood ravaged New Orleans as well as symbols of the economic downturn. "We're calling it the 'What do you think of me now' tour and we're going to stop in all the states that voted for Bush in the last election, well at least the ones where people can read."

Republican presidential candidates are hardly embracing Bush, and many are echoing calls from Democrats for change in Washington. "As long as people don't realize we've been Washington for the last eight years, I think we'll be OK, said one republican strategist.

But an anti-Bush campaign will likely be overshadowed by the presidential campaign. Most analysts expect hundreds of millions of dollars will be spent by the candidates and by outside groups this year. "They've got a bus full of failures? We've got a train," said a spokesperson for one leading democratic candidate.

So I Lie A Little. Who's Counting. Oh, You Are

When we were young tykes doing what young tykes often do, we would occasionally run afoul of local ordinances. When called upon to account for these--in our view--minor transgressions we often resorted to a certain...how to describe this...rearrangement of the facts. Our intent was not to mislead, but to provide a clearer, more complete view of the most recently concluded unfortunate event as an explanatory, and hopefully exculpatory addendum to say, the untimely appearance of our sainted mother just as we were climbing down off the roof of Mrs. Fenton's garage.

Now, had our dear SM been of a mind she could have kept a record of these...shall we say...interpretations, and at some point confronted us with the full accounting of our childhood indiscretions, well, let's just say our credits would have been outweighed by our debits.

Which is why we feel kind of sorry for president Bush today.

A study by two nonprofit journalism organizations found that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks. "When parents tell their children there is a Santa Claus, they're lying too," said White House Press Secretart Dana Pirino. "Why do you people hate Christmas?"

The study concluded that the statements "were part of an orchestrated campaign that effectively galvanized public opinion and, in the process, led the nation to war under decidedly false pretenses."

"Right," said White House spokesman Scott Stanzel. "And it worked too, so what's your point?"

The study counted 935 false statements in the two-year period. It found that in speeches, briefings, interviews and other venues. Stanzel did not comment on the merits of the study, but reiterated the administration's position that the world community viewed Iraq's leader, Saddam Hussein, as a threat.

"936," shouted a reporter.

"When will you make 1000," shouted another.

Bush and administration officials stated unequivocally on at least 532 occasions that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or was trying to produce or obtain them or had links toal-Qaida or both. "We dispute that," said Secretart Pirino. "Couldn't have been more than 400, 450 tops."

Bush led with 259 false statements, 231 about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and 28 about Iraq's links to al-Qaida, the study found. "Hey, come on," Pirino said. "The guy's living in a world inside his head. Who knows what's true in there."

"The cumulative effect of these false statements — amplified by thousands of news stories and broadcasts — was massive, with the media coverage creating an almost impenetrable din for several critical months in the run-up to war," the study concluded. "See, if you guys hadn't listened to us none of this would have happened," Stanzel told reporters. "It's not our fault you don't do your jobs."

"Some journalists — indeed, even some entire news organizations — have since acknowledged that their coverage during those prewar months was far too deferential and uncritical. These mea culpas notwithstanding, much of the wall-to-wall media coverage provided additional, 'independent' validation of the Bush administration's false statements about Iraq," it said.

In a related story, the New York Times, in an effort to restore its image as an independent government watchdog, hired Bill Kristol to be a regular columnist.

Hey George Bush. Now That You've Wrecked America, What Are You Going To Do Next?

Hey, president Bush is out of the country. Now's the time to change all the locks.

Demonizing Iran, threatening Mideast peace and giving lip service to democracy in the region topped the agenda for President Bush during talks with the country that was home to most of the 9/11 terrorists, Saudi Arabia. Bush's first visit to the kingdom came as his administration notified Congress of its intent to sell $20 billion in weapons, including precision-guided bombs, to the Saudis.

Yes sir, because nothing says we want peace like precision guided bombs.

It is "a pretty big package, lots of pieces," national security adviser Stephen Hadley told reporters on Air Force One. "You got your introduce more weapons into an already tense situation piece, your give those weapons to folks who don't like us much anyway piece, your inflame tensions piece, oh and best of all, your clueless president piece."

The sale is an important part of the U.S. strategy to bolster the defenses of its Arab allies in Saudi Arabia and other oil-producing majority Sunni Muslim Gulf nations against threats from Shiite Iran. "I hasten to add to our friends in Iraq that taking sides with the Sunnis over the Shi'a in no way means we are taking the side of the Sunnis over the Shi'a," Hadley said.

Bush also has promoted democratic principles during his trip. "I've pretty much wrecked our democracy," Bush told the assembled dignitaries, "So now it's up to you folks here in all these kingdoms and Emirates and countries ruled by families to keep democracy alive. Hey, can women drive cars here yet? That could be a start."

The president grinned and tapped his foot out of time as a group of girls stepped rhythmically to Arabic music, their long hair swinging from shoulder to shoulder. The light rain that fell during Bush's arrival did not dampen the mood, as rain is considered here to be good luck during the visit of a foreign leader. "So rain is good luck?" the president asked King Abdullah. "Wait until I get home and tell the people in New Orleans how lucky they've been these last couple of years."

Bush then had lunch with students of the Dubai School of Government, a research and teaching institution that focuses on public policy in the Arab world. The president and his hosts sat on cushions, set in a circle, their food in bowls on the carpeted floor before them. "I used to eat on the floor in college too," the president told the students. "But that was mostly because I was too drunk to stand up."

"I'm most impressed with what I've seen here. The entrepreneurial spirit is strong, and equally importantly, the desire to make sure all aspects of society have hope and encouragement hardly exists at all," Bush later told a gathering of entrepreneurs and others affiliated with a young leaders' group.

"I also want you to understand something about America — that we respect you. Don't listen to what our leaders say. We respect your fake religion and we want to work together for the sake of oil and trade," Bush told the group.

Dubai has a powerful Iranian business community, and the West, led by the United States, is cracking down on business in and out of Iran. Dubai is caught in the middle — eager to maintain its lucrative business with Iran, but wary of angering the United States and the United Nations. So naturally Bush used a speech in Dubai to criticize Iran, branding it "the world's leading state-sponsor of terror."

"The president is focusing on diplomacy as his term comes to an end," Hadley told reporters.

Plus, They Called His Mom Twenty Five Times

We've been reading a lot about polls lately. No, not those poles, these Poles. Wait, not them either. These poles. No, no, the ones that are all mathematical and such, you know, polls. Yes, that's it. See, we always thought these polls were like, all scientific and stuff with lots of calculations and Greek letters and calculus and what not, but it turns out you can do a poll and pretty much pick what you want it to say.

All of which goes to show that Mr. Constant, our ninth grade algebra teacher really did have it in for us when he refused to accept our alternate solutions to his homework problems. "You cannot have more than one answer to math problems," he would say. Then, "Go talk to the counselor." Well, Mr. You Have To Memorize The Quadratic Equation If You're Ever Going To Pass This Class, take a look at this and tell me math can't have as many answers as Bush has reasons for invading Iraq.

President Bush and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton again top Gallup's annual lists of "most admired" men and women, the polling firm said. OK, right away when you read that, you know the Gallup company has rather loose policies on drinking at work, and it turns out you're not too far wrong, but that's beside the point. Let's apply our mad algebra skillz, courtesy of Mr. Constant, to this latest pollistical effluvia and see what squirts out.

Bush's support was the choice of 10% of 1,011 Americans polled. OK, we were awake in math class that day and we know if 10% of the people chose Bush, that means 90% didn't. So who else was on the list? Genghis Kahn? Charles Manson? George Steinbrenner?

Also, 10% of 1011 people is about 100 people. Wait. One hundred people still admire Bush? That might not be too far off. On the other hand, this was a phone survey and if you randomly call a thousand people or so, some of them are bound to be drunk or high. Then factor in that Gallup says each number has a margin of error of +/-3 percentage points and that could mean only 7% of the people still admire Bush more than Genghis Kahn. See, this math stuff isn't so hard if you just work at it.

Oh, and we never did memorize the quadratic equation.

Legislature? Yeah. Had One In Texas Too. Didn't Pay Any Attention To Them Either

OK, so for six years now the president has had to work with Congress, and things have gone along fine as long as no one got in the way of his bipartisanship. Yeah. Like that would happen. What are you, one of those three branches of government weirdos? That's so pre-9/11. Congress was all like, ooh, Mr. president you are just the coolest. Invade a country because you don't like the color of their flag? Weeee! Spend billions of dollars we don't have? Where do we sign? Ignore the the third-strongest hurricane on record? Ah, never liked Cajun food that much anyway. Oh, Mr. president, Mr. president, say y'all for us please, oh please, just one more time. And can you look all steely eyed? We love that.

Things were going along in both a hunky and a dory way. Then along comes one of those, erm whatdyacallit, election thingys and it turns out the only people in the country who think Bush wouldn't lose a debate to Forest Gump are those already in Congress.

Oh, and Condoleeza Rice.

So a bunch of new people come in who apparently didn't see enough cowboy movies when they were kids because they certainly don't have this whole bipartisan thing down. They're all like, OK Mr. president, we're not going to give you everything you want until you say pretty, pretty please.

Well, you can imagine the consternation this causes Bush, who isn't used to even one pretty before a please. Come to think of it, he's not even used to a please. So is it any wonder the president thinks this whole checks and balances thing is a big waste of time?

President Bush lashed out at Congress, the third time he has done so in two weeks, this time saying the House had wasted time on “a constant string of investigations” and the Senate had similarly wasted its efforts by trying to rein in the Iraq war.

"Look," the president told reporters, "I don't know why the Congress is so het up over these investigations. As soon as they convict someone I'm going to pardon them. Maybe before. And as for the war, you see how well that's going."

“Congress is not caving in fast enough so work isn't getting done,” the president said in brief remarks from the North Portico of the White House where he had been found wandering. "And if anybody knows about not getting work done, it's me."

As he spoke, Mr. Bush was flanked by two senior Republicans, Representative John Boehner of Ohio, the minority leader, and Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri, the minority whip. Reporters were treated to a show of the president's abilities as he drank water while Boehner spoke.

Representative Nancy Pelosi responded sharply to the president’s criticisms. “The president calls Congressional oversight that has uncovered tens of billions of dollars in waste, fraud and abuse in Iraq a ‘waste of time.’ We call billions spent in no-bid contracts to Halliburton a waste of money,” she said. "No offense Mr. Cheney sir."

The president again criticized Democrats over the S-CHIP bill, saying the Senate had taken up a second version of the legislation passed by the House “despite knowing it does not have a chance of becoming law. "You have to be at least eighteen to join the army and go to Iraq. Why should I spend good money on kids younger than that? We start coddling kids and the terrorists win,” Bush said.

Mr. Bush was also sharply critical of a reported plan by congressional leaders to combine the Defense Department appropriations bill with bills for domestic departments.“It’s hard to imagine a more cynical political strategy than trying to hold hostage funding for our troops in combat and our wounded warriors in order to extract $11 billion for people who probably wouldn't vote for me anyway,” he said. "And believe me, I know a lot about cynical political strategies."

The president continued his denunciations of Congress, saying its leaders had also failed to cave on Michael Mukasey as attorney general. “This is not what congressional leaders promised when they took control of Congress earlier this year,” he said then. "Well, actually it is because Mukasey cares even less about torture than Gonzales did, but when are the democrats going to realize that just because most people voted for them is no reason not to give me what I want?"

Later the president was overheard telling Representative Roy Blunt that if by some chance the Congress did override his veto of SCHIP he would lock himself in the bathroom and "hold my breath until I pass out."

Anybody Seen Laura Today?

You know, it's got to be getting a little lonely around the White House these days, what with everyone wanting to spend more time with anyone but Bush...er...with their families we mean. Latest member of the administration to discover that staying home with a five year old still provides you with the more intellectual challenge than working for the president is Karen Hughes.

Karen Hughes, who led efforts to improve the U.S. image abroad and was one of President Bush's last remaining advisers from the close circle of Texas aides, will leave the government at the end of the year.

Wait, someone was actually in charge of improving our image abroad? What's that mean, like after we blow up a country we hand out free coupons to Denny's? Kids get prosthetic devices in their favorite team colors? After Blackwater shoots up your village, the guys from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show up to do an episode?

Hughes plans to quit her job as undersecretary of state and return to Texas, although improving the world's view of the United States is a "long-term challenge" that will outlast her.

Yeah, well women are still dealing with that whole Eve and the apple misunderstanding too, so maybe after we get that straightened around...

Announcing Hughes' decision to leave the department, secretary of state Condoleezza Rice said she had accepted the resignation "with a great deal of sadness but also a great deal of happiness for what she has achieved." When asked what Hughes' office had achieved, Rice replied that no one in the administration had been convicted of war crimes yet. "That's got to count for something," she added.

Rice said that Hughes had made public diplomacy "strong and central" to U.S. foreign policy "except when we bomb things" and had exceeded expectations in the job. When asked what those expectations were Rice responded that they had expected Hughes to "show up for work sober and be fully dressed."

"I knew that she would bring a great dedication and great commitment to all that we're trying to do," Rice said. "Plus she uses silverware when she eats."

Bush and Rice had picked Hughes two years ago to retool the way the United States sells its policies, ideals and views overseas. A former television reporter and media adviser, Hughes' focus has been to change the way the United States engages and responds to criticism or misinformation in the Muslim world.

"See, before Hughes we'd respond to criticism by dropping more bombs," the president said. "She convinced us that wasn't the right way to go and that's when we gave a contract to Blackwater."

She doubled the public diplomacy budget, to nearly $900 million annually, and sent U.S. sports stars Michelle Kwan and Cal Ripken Jr. abroad as unofficial diplomats. When reporters asked how effective those choices had been since Kwan is not Arabic, and baseball is not a popular sport in Arab countries, Hughes said she wouldn't know until the kidnappers had released the two.

"She has done just a remarkable job," Rice said. Polls show no improvement in the world's view of the U.S. since Hughes took over. "Yeah, but think how much more people would hate us if she hadn't been there," she added. "Did I mention she uses silverware when she eats?"

Hughes said she advised Bush and Rice two years ago that U.S. help in ending the six-decade old fight over Israel would probably do more than anything else to improve the U.S. standing worldwide. "Well, that and quit bombing people for no reason," she said.

Hughes said she told Bush and Rice over the summer that she did not plan to stay through the end of Bush's term. Rice, who has also worked for Bush since he was a presidential candidate, has announced no plans to leave. "Yeah, like someone would hire me after this," she said.

Don't be so hard on yourself Connie. We're sure there are numerous career opportunities awaiting you after Bush administration ends. Which, by the way happens, in 446 days, but who's counting?

Wait. You Mean He Got Somebody To Marry Him?

We're coming to you today from the You Learn Something Every Day Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YLSED is a wholly owned subsidy of the Ain't That A Kick In The Head Corporation, in partnership with the It Just Goes To Show You Company.

It seems that Laura Bush is not just some actress hired to make George seem more palatable. It appears she actually lives in the White House and knows the president personally. Who knew?

First Lady Laura Bush, who once maintained a low profile when it came to international affairs, has stepped into the diplomatic spotlight by becoming a top US critic of Myanmar's military junta. "Well, truth be told, she's the only one in the administration who could pronounce Merrymir, er, Myra moore, um, well see?" said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

Ditching her meek, schoolteacher-librarian image for tights and a cape, the president's wife has become "Uppity Woman!" outspoken foe of people far away who probably don't speak English anyway.

"Hearing her voice, I think it inspires people to think about what's happening in Mirror ma, er, Myra man, um, Burma and to join us in taking some action," Perino said. "Plus anything that diverts people from thinking about the president can't hurt."

"The president, of course, sees Mrs. Bush as a tremendous asset and a very good spokesperson on some of these issues," Perino said, adding "especially since he still thinks China is what you eat off of."

"My influence is really in being able to shine a spotlight on human rights situations that I want the American people to look at, and keep them from looking at what we're doing," Bush said.

Bush's interest in Myanmar was sparked in 2002 by a cousin of her husband, Elsie Walker, said the first lady's spokeswoman Sally McDonough. "It came up as part of a drinking game."

Mrs. Bush began following the story in the press, which she discovered in 2006, and has repeatedly consulted with UN chief Ban Ki-moon and UN ambassadors, urging the world body to take action. "At first she thought the supply of material for the president's happy balloons was threatened, but later she learned there was no connection between Myanmar and Mylar," said a White House spokesperson. "But by then the word had gotten out and she decided to follow through."

"It is not like Laura Bush is way out on a limb with her advocacy," said Bruce Gilley, assistant professor at Canada's Queens University and an expert on Myanmar. "She is basically a voice reflecting a general consensus, at least in the West."

Yeah. Well it's not like she really cares either," said an aide to Mrs. Bush.

Hmmm...so is she really Uppity Woman, defender of people who've never heard of her, or something else...something...evil...

SITE Sent You A Video!

You know, you have to hand it to president Bush. He's managed to start an unnecessary war, kill an iconic American city, wreck the treasury, severely mangle several popular and helpful domestic programs, shred the constitution, and ensure that most of the world will hate us for the foreseeable future. And he's still got over a year left to go! We know, you're thinking surely the guy must be running out of things he can screw up by now.

See, here's where everyone misses the president's greatness. They think he's the worst president ever, oops, we mean Worst. President. Ever. Most of the country thinks he's a talentless, bumbling idiot who wouldn't know a good decisions if it came up and bit him on the a...well, you get the picture.

We here in the marbled halls of IM central are not about surface manifestations though, oh no, far from it. This blog is dedicated to deep thought and cutting analysis. Well, when we're not busy draining our weng wengs. No, not that weng weng, that weng weng. Anyway, we've subjected the reign...erm...administration of this president to the scalpel's edge of our intellect and have determined that he is, in fact, a very talented individual. His competency is incompetency. That's right, president Bush is perhaps the most adept total screwup ever to spill chocolate milk in the lunch room at 1600 Pennsylvania Boulevard.

Want proof? Check it:

A small private intelligence company that monitors Islamic terrorist groups obtained a new Osama bin Laden video ahead of its official release last month, and around 10 a.m. on Sept. 7, it notified the Bush administration of its secret acquisition. It gave two senior officials access on the condition that the officials not reveal they had it until the al-Qaeda release. By midafternoon that day, the video and a transcript of its audio track had been leaked from within the Bush administration to Fox news and broadcast worldwide.

Less that five hours from top secret to Lou Dobbs people! And you say this guy can't get things done? No wonder the islamofascistcommieninjashadowwarriors are afraid of us. We are winning Teh War On Terra!!!1!!

The founder of the company, the SITE Intelligence Group, says this premature disclosure tipped al-Qaeda to a security breach and destroyed a years-long surveillance operation that the company has used to intercept and pass along secret messages, videos and advance warnings of suicide bombings from the terrorist group's communications network.

Oh, yeah. Well, there is that too.

"Techniques that took years to develop are now ineffective and worthless," said Rita Katz, the firm's 44-year-old founder.

"Well, in the president's defense, he never really paid much attention to intelligence reports anyway," responded Dana Perino, White House Press Secretart.

The precise source of the leak remains unknown. Government officials declined to be interviewed about the circumstances on the record, but they did not challenge Katz's version of events. "When you work in this administration you get used to people pointing out that you screwed up," said one aide to the president who asked not to be named. "It's just another day at the office for us."

They also said the incident had no effect on U.S. intelligence-gathering efforts and did not diminish the government's ability to anticipate attacks. "Nothing minus nothing is still nothing," said one White House aide.

Within minutes of Katz's e-mail to the White House, alerting them to the video, government-registered computers began downloading the video from SITE's server, according to a log of file transfers. The records show dozens of downloads over the next three hours from computers with addresses registered to defense and intelligence agencies. "We thought it was porn," said a spokesperson for Homeland Security."

While acknowledging that SITE had achieved success, the officials said U.S. agencies have their own sophisticated means of watching al-Qaeda on the Web. "We have individuals in the right places dealing with all these issues, across all 16 intelligence agencies," said Ross Feinstein, spokesman for the Office of the Director of National Intelligence. "But most of all we still have the magic eight ball," he added.

Al-Qaeda supporters, now alerted to the intrusion into their secret network, put up new obstacles that prevented SITE from gaining the kind of access it had obtained in the past, according to Katz. "It's a redirect to everythingbritney.com," she said.

Those Who Cannot Remember The Past Are Condemned To Make It Up

Regular reader(s) of this blog probably had some sort of trauma in their childhood that they're repressing...er...we mean have probably noticed that from time to time we like to poke good hearted fun at our current potentate, president dissimulation and his merry band of feckless claqueurs.

But not today, for we have found something we have in common with the bandersnatch in chief: neither one of us paid attention in history class. Although in our defense, we have to say that given how things turned out, our lack of historical recall has only resulted in our occasional embarrassment when trying to keep up with contestants on Jeopardy which we would argue has done far less damage to the planet than, say, blowing up a country and killing its residents. Not to mention over 3000 of the citizens of the country you were sworn to protect and serve.

But we digress. Experts say that president Bush may be misrepresenting history when he drew a parallel between the bloody wars Americans fought in East Asia to the current US "war on brown terror" to back his case for maintaining US troops in Iraq. "We say 'may' because we're not sure the president even remembers Viet Nam and we're pretty sure he thinks Korea was the backdrop for a TV show starring Alan Alda," said a spokesperson for the group of historians.

Bush likened the "terrorists" who wage war in Iraq to the communist forces in Korea and Vietnam and imperial Japanese army. "Now, technically the people we fought in those wars were yellow and not brown," said White house Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "But that's OK because we're just going for the non-white motif here."

"Three decades later, there is a legitimate debate about how we got into the Vietnam War and how we left," Bush told a group of dozing American war veterans in Kansas City, Missouri. "But I don't know anything about that so I"m going to come up with my own reasons.

"My understanding of the history of the Vietnam war and the lessons of that differs rather dramatically from Mr Bush's," Robert Hathaway, an Asian expert at the Washington-based Woodrow Wilson Center for Scholars. "Of course that could be because I didn't spend those years drunk and high."

Hathaway said that despite the eight-year US military involvement and its heavy casualties in Vietnam, Washington was still unable to create popular support in the south for a government that was widely considered to be corrupt and unpopular. "Sort of like Iraq now."


"So one of the lessons, at least for me, is the American tragedy in Vietnam is that military force by an outside power -- a power that many people in Vietnam viewed as an occupying force -- was not sufficient to create the political conditions for genuinely popular government in South Vietnam nor the political will to fight for that government," Hathaway said. "Again, sort of like Iraq. Hmm...maybe the president does have a point."


"We were in Vietnam for 10 years. We dropped more bombs on Vietnam than we did in all of World War II in every theater. We lost 58,700 American lives, the second-greatest loss of lives in a foreign conflict. And we couldn't work our will," he told the Los Angeles Times "What is Bush suggesting? That we didn't fight hard enough, stay long enough?"

"OF course not," replied Snowjob. "The president is making the point that we have to stay in Iraq at least 10 years."

In Other News: White House Spokesperson Tells Kids Santa Claus Is Dead

Full disclosure: We dislike kids as much as the next guy. Well, unless the next guy is George Bush. He really doesn't like kids, which is kind of surprising if you think about it because where's he going to get the next generation of soldiers for his everlasting war on brown people and non-native English speakers? Anyway, our problem with kids is they're so...young. Not to mention the fact the they don't have to work and people still feed them.

Actually the source of our discontent with the little urchins around IM Central comes from the fact that we're continually chasing them out of our garbage where they insist on sifting through the Stoli empties trying to collect enough to derange themselves even further. Cripes! Don't their parents have liquor cabinets?

All that being said though, we must confess that even we find the president's latest attempt at compassionate conservatism to be, well, somewhat lacking in empathy. Or compassion. Whichever. Sympathy? Understanding? Concern? Kindness? Caring? Humaneness? The ability to relate to human circumstance that doesn't start with rich, and white? But enough idle speculation. Let's hear from the horses' a...er...mouth:

The Bush administration, continuing its fight to stop states from expanding the popular Children’s Health Insurance Program, has adopted new standards that would make it much more difficult for New York, California and others to extend coverage to children in middle-income families. Ann Clemency Kohler, deputy commissioner of human services in New Jersey, said: “We are horrified at the new federal policy. It will cause havoc with our program and could jeopardize coverage for thousands of children.”

"How is that 'havoc'?" asked White House spokesperson Ebenezer Scrooge. "When you can't provide any services to the needy, that makes your job simpler, doesn't it? You can just ignore them, like we do."

In a letter sent to state health officials Dennis G. Smith, the director of the federal Center for Slowly Strangling Medicaid and Dismantling State Operations, set an unrealistic standard for states that want to reach uninsured children not currently covered by the child health program. Before making such a change, Mr. Smith said, states must demonstrate that they have “enrolled at least 95 percent of children who have ever lived in the state since it joined the union.” Deborah S. Bachrach, a deputy commissioner in the New York State Health Department, said, “Smith makes the Grinch look like that guy who said 'Open your hand to the poor and needy neighbor in your land.'" What was his name again?”

Scrooge detailed several reasons for the veto threat from the White House:

"The legislation dramatically expands federal spending far beyond what is necessary to make it look like we're helping people when really we aren't."

The proposed expansion "essentially extends a welfare benefit to middle class households which will unnecessarily cut into the profit margins of private insurance companies, unless those households can't afford private insurance, in which case, who cares?"

"It transforms the program into an effectively 'unlimited entitlement program'. Which is code to our base meaning the protections will go to the ethnics because they're having kids like rabbits on speed."

As another obstacle, Mr. Smith said, states wanting to cover more children must show that “the number of children in the target population are at least white, and preferably from republican households, although we have some flexibility there if the parents register as independents but mostly vote with us. Hey, we're all about equity in this administration, you know?"

Meet The New Reasons. Same As The Old Reasons

Boy Howdy, president Churchill is In Da House! er we mean Prime Minister Bush. No. OK, you explain America's Mr. Never Surrender then you Islamofascistninjashadowwarriorhomolover...umm...we mean person whose patriotism cannot be called into question just because he disagrees with DER FUHRER!!!11!!

Sorry. Maybe we should just move on.

Bush fought to buy time for his irrational Iraq strategy, as his chief spokesman resignedly said that the war-torn country's lawmakers would take an August vacation. " "You know, it's 130 degrees (54 Celsius) in Baghdad in August," Tony Snowjob explained. "Can you imagine what that does to all those jihadiis hiding on rooftops looking for a clean shot at Maliki?"

Snowjob refused to criticize the move because the Iraqis "quit listening to us years ago" or say whether there had been recent US efforts to threaten them, even though top US officials including Vice President Dick Cheney had done so. "Well, in his defense I have to say that disarmed, Cheney isn't as persuasive as he can be," he added.

In a fresh blow to Bush's mismanagement of the war, two of his Republican party's dwindling supply of continent white men, Senators Richard Lugar and John Warner, urged him to start pulling US troops out of the cross-fire by the end of the year. "Or next year. Or the year after that," Warner said. "The president, who I completely disagree with by the way, knows what he's doing and deserves our support."

"We are attempting to ensure that US military and diplomatic policy is prepared for change when the Petraeus report arrives in September," said Lugar, whose plan does not include a hard date for completing the withdrawal. "Hey, I said 'prepared' for change," he added. "I didn't say we'd actually do anything. This is Congress for crying out loud. Why do you think the people sent us here?"

The move came one day after the House of Representatives voted to withdraw most US combat troops by April and as Bush held a videoconference with top military aides in Baghdad and Washington to hammer home his point that the war can, and must, go on until he's safely hidden away in Paraguay. When asked if there shouldn't be some sort of plan to achieve victory if that was the desired result, the president responded that he "wasn't a detail man."

While he spoke, the aides sitting around the conference table at the White House, including Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs chairman General Peter Pace adjusted the pieces on the White House Risk Board.

Bush, who has vowed to veto any legislation mandating what he calls reality, also underlined that "there's still a lot of work to be done," just eight weeks before the deadline "and we've got to come up with more progress."

"I grant you it's not a lot of time," said White House spokeswoman Dana Perino. "We're under no illusion. Now the president, that guy's a walking, talking boogalooing illusion factory, but hey, you govern with the president you have, not the one you wish you had."

"The president is saying, 'Let's give it a little bit more time to work,'" said Perino, "And yeah he's been saying that for four years now, but the classics never get old, do they?" She added that that the Democrats lacked the two-thirds majority to override a Bush veto. "Oh, and cojones. They lack the cojones too."

She also emphasized that House Republicans had, with few exceptions, sided with the White House -- even as increasing numbers of the party's heavyweights in the Senate have broken with Bush's plan. "Yeah. We care what you say."

And the president himself summoned a phalanx of conservative columnists who support the war for chocolate milk at the White House and to repeat why his approach deserves more time. Most declined to show up, however saying Bush was using the same reasons he always had and they could just change the dates on articles they had written a couple of years ago and still make their tee times.

Look, You Need To Forget That I Asked You For Another Six Months Just Six Months Ago

Groundhog Day. That's all you need to know about this.

A Bush administration report to Congress citing a lack of progress by the Baghdad government is "a look at the beginning of the initiation of the first phase of the approach to the on deck area of the back of the starting line's approach zone of the U.S. troop surge, preliminary to the actual surge, which will be just before the surge in earnest which culminates in the mother of all surges. Unless we run out of benchmarks for the Iraqis to miss. Then we start over." a White House spokesman said.

"What Congress will get this week is a snapshot of the beginning of the retooling of the development of the contemplation of the idea of the possibility of a mission in Iraq," said Tony Snowjob. "We're sorry the snapshot is so out of focus, but it's hard to get things in focus...WHEN YOU'RE INSANE!!! HAHAHAHA... Oh. Did I say that last part out loud?"

"Some of the benchmarks have been made, some of them haven't," he said. "Maliki getting through most days without getting shot at? Check. Electricity in Baghdad? Not so much."

Rebuffing reality, president Bush said he won't succumb to the voters. "I'm the knowledge guy," he said. "I know what I'm doing. Now will someone help me tie my shoes. I've lost the instruction sheet." During a visit to Parma Ohio he reiterated that troop levels in Iraq "will be decided by our commanders on the ground, not by political figures in Washington D.C.. Well, except for me, that is, 'cause I'm the commander guy. And the knowledge guy too. I can be both because I'm the decider, just ask Dick."

"I fully understand that this is a difficult war. It's hard on the American people but I will once again explain the consequences of failure,"Snowjob said. "See, when the Supreme Court failed us in 2000, that lead to the appointment of a serial failure to the presidency which coupled with the fact that Congress is a bunch of girly men, except for Hillary lead to the failure of the system of checks and balances that, in the past, had kept fools like our current chief executive from doing too much harm. Sort of a perfect storm of idiots. The rest, as they say is history. Anyone got some Maalox?"

Snowjob said he thought news accounts of the status report on Iraq were too gloomy. "All the media talk about are the people who were killed and wounded. What about the people who escaped? For them it was a very good day, but do we hear their stories? No way. Do they thank us for being there? Nope. Just think what would happen if we never invaded and no bombs were going off in your neighborhood, Mr. ungrateful A Rab. Where would you be then, huh? I'm sorry, what was the question?"

The administration, including Defense Secretary Robert Gates, has stressed a September time frame for a wide-ranging assessment of operational strategy after about 4 1/2 years of battle, and has said such a review would be more appropriate then. When asked why, he responded, "Because September is two months closer to when we get out of here to Paraguay."

One U.S. official said that the July report would push the administration to consider its next move, which will be the same as the last move, but with a different name. "We're thinking Son of Surge, or maybe Surge: Part Deux. Catchy huh?"

Another senior official, however, said that Bush and his advisers had already decided no change in policy was justified as yet because there was not enough evidence from Iraq. Just give us a couple more F.U.'s," the official said.

Battle Of The Beltway Bozos

Oh we're back Bushie, and it's on, so bring your lunch 'cause it's going to be an all day affair. Congressmen returning from their Independence Day break are ready to cave to the White House again. "Well, the Congresswomen went home too," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi," But they're not back yet because everything they put on makes them look fat."

There was relatively high tension on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue as majority Democrats — and increasing numbers of Republicans — challenged Bush's Iraq war policy. "Well, if by 'challenged' you mean whined," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine, ranking republican on the Homeland Security Committee there had been "a steady erosion for the president's policy because we're never going to get reelected with that bozo hanging around our necks. Oh, and folks are dying too."

"Oooo. So what are you going to do about it Collins? Pass a law? Take our money away from us? I'm shaking in my boots," Snowjob replied.

Meanwhile, several Democratic-run investigations are playing out this week as they head toward contempt of Congress citations and, if neither side yields, federal court. "I got your contempt of Congress right here," said White House Counselor Fred Fielding. "You think the Libby commutation was something? Keep it up and you'll see pardons and commutations like you wouldn't believe."

In a pair of hearings, the House Judiciary Committee will look at Bush's commutation last week of Libby's prison sentence for obstruction of justice in the CIA leak case. "Go ahead and 'look,'" said Snowjob. Ain't nothing you can do about it. Punks."

The next day, the House panel is expected to turn to the prosecutor firings and has scheduled testimony from former White House Counsel Harriet Miers. It's unclear whether she will appear. "It's only unclear if you think we give a rip about subpoenas," Snowjob said. "I put mine in the bottom of my birdcage."

Democrats expect to resume legislative challenges to Bush's policy on the war as the Senate this week takes up a major defense spending bill. "And this time we're really going to make him sweat before we give him the money," said one aide to a democratic senator.

"The president argued that we needed to undertake the surge in order to give the Iraq government the time, the space to pursue the political reforms," Collins said. "That hasn't happened and that's why you see a real change in support for the Iraq strategy. Well, if by change you mean we're going to say bad things about the war. Probably we'll just give him the money anyway though."

In Baghdad Monday, Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari warned that a quick American troop withdrawal could lead to civil war and the collapse of the Iraqi state. "Oh wait. We have that now," Zebari added. "Let me get back to you."

Leahy and others said they suspect that Bush commuted Libby's sentence to keep vice president Dick Cheney's former chief of staff from revealing internal White House discussions. "Well that's pretty stupid," Snowjob said. "We were never going to reveal those discussions anyway. The president just let Libby off because he was the only one stupid enough to get caught lying."

White House Counsel Fred Fielding, Bush declared executive privilege on the documents subpoenaed by the committees. He argued that releasing them would damage the confidential nature of advice given the president. "Besides, they've got chocolate milk stains all over them.

You'll Thank Me For This In 100 Years

One thing you have to say for the president, he seems to have developed a sense of history. Maybe it's that whole legacy thing. Here's the guy looking back over his presidency and wondering what the lasting image of his administration will be, what the verdict of history will be, and will anyone ever name their kid George again.

So we shouldn't be surprised that he's going all metaphorical on us when he heads out to give a speech to a group of soldiers, who are about the only people left in the country that will listen to him. Well, after they've been ordered and stuff.

Mr. Bush told the audience of Air National Guard members and their families at the base here, “Our first Independence Day celebration took place in a midst of a war — a bloody and difficult struggle that pitted brother against brother, and would not end for five bloody years until Lincoln freed the slaves as I have freed Scooter Libby."

Addressing National Guard members with the 167th Airlift Wing who were gathered in a cavernous airplane hangar and ordered to keep their eyes open and act like they were listening, he said, “Like those early patriots, you’re fighting a new and unprecedented war. Well, I supposed if this war is new and unprecedented that means it can't be much like the one the patriots fought, especially that playoff game against the Jaguars. Now that was a war. Did you see that game? I never thought Brady was that good of a scrambler...um...I think I've lost my point."

Mr. Bush said if the United States were to leave Iraq now al-Qaeda would be able to move their safe haven from Pakistan to Iraq, which would allow them to do two things: to further spread their ideology and to plan and plot attacks against the United States. "Now people say they can do that from Pakistan, but I say there's no cable in Pakistan and that's gotta slow them down."

Several Democrats have made the case that the president’s strategy is failing and that a full or partial withdrawal would press the Iraqis to settle their problems on their own. "Well, one of their biggest problems is the fact that we blew up their country and took it over," said one democratic senator who asked not to be named. "So us getting out would probably help with the whole chaos thing."

Mr. Bush spent 20 minutes in the hangar, which dwarfed the crowd, because most of the unit had volunteered for latrine duty rather than come to hear the president. Victory, he said, “will require more patience, more courage, and more sacrifice. Well, for you guys that is. In 18 months I'm off to Paraguay where the law can't touch me. Can't pardon myself you know.”

Eternal Sunshine Of The President's Mind

The president is a lot smarter than you think. He grasps Einstein's theory of relativity. Einstein was talking about how time can seem to go at different rates and to explain it he used the analogy of a person sitting on a hot stove, and a person sitting in the park on a warm spring day with his true love. For the person on the stove, the seconds seem like hours, but for the person in the park the hours seem like seconds.

The president gets this. See for us, Iraq is like sitting on a hot stove, but for him, Iraq has been like sitting in the park with the voices in his head. It's just been a couple of minutes for him while thousands of Iraqis were displaced, wounded, killed and basically had a whole generation wiped out, while here at home families were devastated, lives destroyed and thousands of wounded soldiers returning from his neo-con, chest thumping, "Let's you and him fight," testosterone induced, tragedy called "The Bush Foreign Policy" are left abandoned. So it is with a clear conscience, and a bright smile (once Laura wiped the chocolate milk mustache off) that he can ask for more time in Iraq.

The White House appealed for more patience on the war in Iraq as Democrats warned for the 237th time that the clock was running out and a prominent Republican declared that president Bush's policy is not working, the sun rises in the east and the pope is a catholic. "Bush is an idiot," said Senator Richard Lugar R-Ya Think?. "I see that now, but more importantly, I see the need to get reelected."

White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said Lugar was a thoughtful man and that his remarks came as no surprise. "Is there anybody that doesn't think Bush is an idiot?" he asked. "Other than the people who watch Fox news I mean."

"We've known that he's had reservations about the president for some time," Snowjob said "Basically since he stopped watching Hannity and somebody ugly. That action was not authorized by the vice president's office by the way."

Lugar's position is unlikely to affect votes on upcoming anti-war legislation. Spokesman Andy Fisher said that Lugar is not planning to switch his vote and embrace a deadline for troop withdrawals. The purpose of the speech was to express his concerns publicly before Bush reviews his Iraq strategy in September, Fisher said. "It's not like the Senator actually believes any of this," Fisher added. "We just need to start distancing ourselves from the Clown in Chief if we're ever going to have any hope of getting reelected."

Lugar's grim assessment of the war puts substantial pressure on the administration to change course. "No it doesn't," said Snowjob. "We're at 28, 29 percent approval and we're pumping more targets...er...soldiers into Iraq. You think we care what people say about us?"

Most Republicans have said they were willing to wait until the fall to see whether Bush's recently ordered troop buildup in was working. But if progress is not made by then, GOP members say they will demand a change in course. "Unless the president needs more time," said an aide to a Republican Senator not up for reelection. "It's all relative."

Surgeon General, Mechanical Contractor. Tomato Tomahto

OK, so we're peeking through some of the internet tubes the other day, hoping to catch Angelina Jolie coming out of the shower and we ran across this:

President Bush's nominee for surgeon general, Dr. James W. Holsinger Jr., wrote a paper in 1991 that purported to make the medical argument that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy.

Our first thought was how come generals get to have their own surgeon? Just another example of the widening gap between the haves and have nots in this country. Then we thought, wait, does this mean the generals are gay?

Now, admittedly our thoughts may have been somewhat jumbled, having just returned from the St. Tropez, Tanqueray, Cod fillet, Spiked OJ, Plug and Play, Come what may, Burning Man executive planning retreat.

So, after a Stoli or three to clear away the cobwebs, we did a little research (Because giving our readers accurate information is what we're all about. Unless it's too much work, but hey Wikipedia can't be wrong about everything and besides even if Conservapedia is more likely to be right because of god being an editor and all, there's something about this entry on the origin of kangaroos that just doesn't sit right with us, especially that part about getting to Australia via jet ski after they got off the ark in Istanbul. We don't remember anything in the bible about passports and visas. )

Where were we? Oh yeah, the Surgeon General. Says here that the Surgeon General is America's chief health educator, giving Americans the best scientific information available on how to improve their health and reduce the risk of illness and injury.

Which explains why the nominee belongs to a church that offers a ministry to "cure" gays of the sexual orientation. Well, sure, but with the "best scientific information available," right Doctor?

Holsinger argued that male and female genitalia are complementary -- so much so "that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming pipe fittings either the male fitting or the female fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other." Body parts used for gay sex are not complementary, he wrote. "When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur."

OK, for those of you without a medical background, allow us to explain. What the doctor is saying is that if we all would relieve service pressure with a tap tee instead of damming the tapway, we could cure cancer in our lifetimes. Or something. We think.

"It is absolutely clear that anatomically and physiologically the alimentary and reproductive systems in humans are separate organ systems, i.e., the human does not have a cloaca," Holsinger said, referring to the posterior orifice that serves as the one opening for genital, urinary and intestinal tracts in amphibians, birds and reptiles.

Hmm...The Surgeon General nominee knows we're different from snakes and birds. Well, it's a start. Looks like Bush has finally gotten the hang of nominating people with some expertise in the job he wants them to do.

And Now, Infidel Newshour With Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

OK, look. We've heard just about enough of president Bush screwed up the war, and president Bush is surrounded by idiots, and president Bush likes it that way. While you're all out there complaining because our troops completing their third and fourth tours in the middle of a civil war, while Navy and Air Force people are being retrained as ground combat troops because there aren't enough people left in the Army and Marines that don't dive under desks when a car backfires or wake up screaming every night, your president, the one you think is a clueless bozo, has been quietly winning over hearts and minds in the Middle East.

Al Hurra television is the U.S. government's $63 million-a-year effort at public diplomacy broadcasting in the Middle East.

Ha! See that? Another six months or so of the 'A' Team and the Mujahadeen will be as dangerous as Cubs fans.

Critics say the network is run by executives and officials who cannot speak Arabic.

Yeah, well, that's not so bad. You think MTV is run by young people? You think American Idol is run by people who can sing? You think the government is run by...well...bad example, but you get the point. Who needs to speak Arabic when you've got The Price Is Right?

According to a senior official who oversees the program, lack of Arabic speaker on the executive staff might explain why the service has recently been caught broadcasting terrorist messages, including an hour-long tirade on the importance of anti-Jewish violence, among other questionable pieces.

Erm...OK, "Kill the Zionist Pig" could be a game show.

Facing tough questions before a congressional panel last week, Broadcasting Board of Governors member Joaquin Blaya admitted none of the senior news managers at the network knew anything about running a television station, let alone one in a foreign language. "I watched Fox a lot," Blaya said. "I figured, how hard could it be?"

"How does it happen that the terrorists take over?" asked Rep. Gary L. Ackerman, D-N.Y., at a hearing of the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee he chairs. "Hey, don't talk to me about terrorism," Blaya countered. "Have you seen The OC?"

Blaya conceded that the top officials in the network's chain of command could not understand what was being said on al Hurra broadcasts. "The commercials were in English though. We thought that was helpful."

The network's news division also had no assignment desk, he said. That left decisions over al Hurra's content in the hands of its reporters and producers, who are, according to Blaya, hastily-hired Arabic-speaking journalists. "In retrospect, I suppose when the objective line on their resumes said 'Destroy the infidel crusaders,' that should have been a clue," Blaya admitted.

It has never been al Hurra's policy to "provide an open, live microphone to terrorists," Blaya assured lawmakers. "We were thinking more of a seven second tape delay, or something along those lines. You know, like they should have done to Imus."

The station's gaffes have included broadcasting a 68-minute call to arms against Israelis by a senior figure of the terrorist group Hezbollah. "You know, I thought that guy looked familiar," Blaya told the Committee, "But Ali, my assistant told me he was the Arabic equivalent of Mr. Rogers, so I let it go."

At the hearing, Blaya and other officials assured lawmakers that some of the staffers involved in the controversial broadcasts had been fired. "Well, actually when we went down to fire them they had already disappeared. Plus they had booby trapped their desks. We had trouble getting janitors after that."

Blaya also said the network now has an assignment desk, staffed by Arabic-speaking editors. And the network's vice president of news has hired an Arabic speaker to help monitor its broadcasts and ensure the material is consistent with al Hurra's mission. "We're pretty confident that our new vice president, a Mr Muqtada al Sadr, will make sure nothing like this happens again.