And That Voice That Says "Please Hold, Your Call Is Important To Us?" It's Satan

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have accepted that ambition is the mother of disappointment...erm...we mean are aware that we occasionally opine on issues of theology and religion here in the marbled halls of IM Central. While we don't pretend to be bible experts (having only read the dirty parts) we do feel that our years under the tutelage of the Christian Brothers and the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention, plus our ability to swear in Latin (That report is due today? Hui Excrementum!) provides us with bona fides significant enough to comment on this.

A local elementary school is trying to implement a new program in their cafeteria. But the palm vein scanner is being met with much opposition from Moss Bluff Elementary parents. "I was very, very mad," said parent Mamie Sonnier. "Disappointed. As a Christian, I've read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff," said Sonnier. "I know where it's going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I'm not going to let my kids have that."

Good point Mrs. Sonnier. With a parent like you they really can't afford to have too much else go wrong in their lives. But to be fair, we should let Principal Charles Caldarera explain why he has allowed Satan access to the children in his care.

"We are so large," said Caldarera. "With an elementary school, they all come through line, and most of them eat here. It would make us more efficient and more accurate. We've had parents complain in the past, because they felt like their children weren't eating, that we assigned them a charge for the day, and they might have been right."

Oh sure, that's what we would expect the devil to say. Efficiency. Accuracy. Those are engraved on the gates of hell you can be sure. And kids not eating? Hunger is a small price to pay for rescuing your immortal soul from the fires of Perdition.

"I'd probably pull them out of the school, and transfer them to another school," said Sonnier.

Well, once the other kids find out you're their mother that might be best. Heck, we were embarrassed to be seen in public with our dad when he wore his old Lumberjack hat. We can imagine how your children will feel going back to school knowing that everyone will be pointing and saying those are the kids of that lady who thinks the holy spirit comes down into your microwave and pops your popcorn for you.

In Which Ironicus Rides To The Rescue

We're coming to you today from the Fainting Couch Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The FCD is a division of the Vapors Company, in partnership with Bring Smelling Salts Quickly! Inc.

By way of introduction let us say that as long time toilers in the educorporate training facility in our area, we have often been privy to certain Anglo-Saxon expletives uttered by the embodiments of this nation's bright future. In fact, walking down the halls at lunch time often caused us to wonder if these hormone infused, Abercombie and Fitched specimens of this country's marketing expertise knew any words other than the seven you can't say on TV.

Additionally, we have often been honored to receive the intellectual musings of those claiming to be the parents of the aforementioned. One in particular comes to mind. An "aunt" (at least that's all she was willing to admit to) of one of our charges, in explaining to us why we couldn't flunk her "nephew" even though he had not handed in a single assignment all year, held the class record for unexcused absences, and was on a first name basis with several of the local law enforcement personnel, opined that she was sure he had done all the assignments dutifully, and while she was well aware that we couldn't take his word for it, we could take hers because she had "never been arrested. Not even a parking ticket."

We demurred and went on with our day, unlike Prague High School principal David Smith who apparently grew up in a much more genteel environment than the one in which he currently resides.

The father of a recent high-school graduate has been denied her diploma because she said "hell" in her valedictorian speech.

At this juncture we'd like to offer a quick aside: sometimes our colleagues in this profession embarrass the he...um...heck out of us. That being said, if this child has completed all the requirements for graduation we don't think Principal Smith's delicate sensibilities are enough to override the dictates of state law. Oh wait, this is Oklahoma. You're in deep doo-doo kid.

Her transcripts were sent on to Southwestern Oklahoma State University in Weatherford and life went on as usual until she and her father went to collect her diploma from the high school office last week. "The principal shut the door on us," David Nootbaar said, "and told us she [Kaitlin] will type apology letters to him, the school board, the superintendent and all of the teachers," in order for her to obtain her diploma.

Ah, we see. The transcripts were released so the kid can get on with her life, but Principal Petty is having himself what's known as a bureaucratic snit about the whole thing. OK, Kaitlin, we here at IM Central are going to help out by writing the letter for you:

Dear Principal Smith:

I understand that my use of the word "hell" has offended you. It was what is called an allusion, (I learned that in my English class) which is a reference to a previous work, in this case the film Eclipse, which is very popular with people my age, who were the intended audience of my talk. However, being the Principal of a high school, a professional educator and a self centered, boneheaded jackass, I shouldn't have expected you to know that. My bad.

Sincerely,
Kaitlin

Friday Hound Blogging

Man. We are going to have to rethink our whole attitude towards the overlords. We mean, each Friday we poke a little good natured fun at them because they are essentially ticks on the backs of innocent animals, riding the poor dogs to their deaths in many cases just to siphon off a few measly bucks, and what can be more humorous than that, right?

This week, however we ran across a group of overlords whose track is about to be closed and they're all like, we got some nice greyhounds here. Be a shame if something happened to them.

Concerns have been raised greyhounds could be put down if plans to demolish Oxford Stadium go ahead.

"Accidents happen, that's all I'm saying," Oxford Greyhound Owners’ Association and Oxford Retired Greyhounds chairman John "Little Walnuts" Alcock told reporters. "We got 350 dogs running around here. You go tearing down the track and things could get...unruly. Now, you wouldn't want things to get unruly, would you?"

Mr Alcock, who is also treasurer of the national Greyhound Owners’ Association, and manager of the Oxford office of the Barone Sanitation Company said: “The biggest problem will be the dogs. They're like evidence, you know? Got to be careful with them or it could be...embarrassing."

But Retired Greyhound Trust (RGT) home coordinator and Transportation Director at Barone Sanitation Jenny Hebborn warned some trainers may not be able to prevent a certain level of inventory loss if the track is demolished. "Like Little Wal...er...like Mr. Alcock says, things could happen. Be a real shame too, because those are really good dogs. It's up to you."

Trainer Dave 'Fat Davey' Lee said: “Obviously it’s devastating. Being a trainer, you never want to lose inventory. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the dogs, they should be looked after, but you tear down the track? It's outta my hands."

Sounds like they're making us a deal we can't refuse, huh Beth?

Beth is a very sweet and loving little girl who loves everyone she meets. She loves to be petted and wags her tail a lot because she is so happy. She loves other dogs and is cat safe. She knows how to go up and down the stairs and is housebroken. She does not mind being in her crate. She loves to go for walks and is great on the leash. She loves the older children she has met but has not met any young children yet.  Beth would be fine in a working home. Even though she has not met young children she would do well with well-behaved children of any age. She would be absolutely fine as an only dog in the home but loves other dogs so would also do well if there were other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Kentucky! Motto: Oh Crap, We Are That Stupid

We're coming to you today from the Be Careful What You Ask For Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. BCWYAF is a division of the Ignorance Is Bliss Corporation in partnership with What You Don't Know Won't Embarrass You, NA.

It seems the legislators in Kentucky decided one fine day that it would be a good idea to show those elitist pinhead intellectuals that had been pointing and laughing at Kentucky since the governor got snookered by that bible salesman  that the state had a world class educational system.

So how'd that work out for you?

Kentucky's Senate Republicans pushed successfully in 2009 to tie the state's testing program to national education standards, but three years later, they're questioning the results. "Turns out our kids are clueless as a frog in a milk pail," said Sen. David Givens, R-Greensburg.

Several GOP lawmakers questioned new proposed student standards and tests that delve deeply into biological evolution. "We're educating our children for 21st century careers here," said one republican aide who asked not to be identified because she didn't want her family to know she worked in the legislature. "Show me the Quickie Mart employee or the MacDonalds night manager who delves 'deeply into biological evolution' and I'll show you somebody that moved here from Ohio."

"I think we are very committed to being able to take Kentucky students and put them on a report card beside students across the nation," Givens said. "We're simply saying to the ACT people we don't want what is a theory to be taught as a fact in such a way it may damage students' ability to do critical thinking because the last thing we want them to be doing is examining scientific evidence when the bible just tells them what to believe."

Givens said he asked the ACT representatives about possibly returning to a test personalized for Kentucky, but he was told that option was very expensive and time-consuming because of all the research necessary in trying to figure out what a person living in the late 1700's would have known.

ACT vice president Ginger Hopkins, who appeared at Monday's meeting, did not immediately return calls seeking comment Tuesday but a spokesperson for his office explained that Kentucky shouldn't feel too badly. "At least they're not Louisiana," he said.

Another committee member, Rep. Ben Waide, R-Madisonville, said he had a problem with evolution being an important part of biology standards. "The theory of evolution is a theory, and essentially the theory of evolution is not science — Darwin made it up," Waide said. "My objection is they should ensure whatever scientific material is being put forth as a standard should at least stand up to scientific method. Under the most rudimentary, basic scientific examination, the theory of evolution has never stood up to scientific scrutiny."

Eds note: We present the above quote for you in its entirely and wholly unchanged, because try as we might we couldn't make it any more stupid. For those of you wondering where Representative Ben got his degree in biology, it was from the University of Louisville, where they call a PhD  in biology a  BA in Health Science. Tomato, tomahto.

Givens said he was satisfied with the response by ACT officials and state Education Commissioner Terry Holliday that evolution was being taught as a theory. "I think the key is we could debate the science of this as long as we don't pay attention to the science, but we hope our kids understand the theories behind evolution," he said. "We think our kids need to be critical thinkers to be able to reason between the two, then pick the bible because we tell them to."

The proposed science standards would require students to complete such tasks as: Differentiate among chemical evolution, organic evolution and the evolutionary steps along the way to aerobic heterotrophs and photosynthetic autotrophs. "See, that's devil talk right there," Waide said. "Ain't none of them words in the bible."

Vincent Cassone, chairman of the University of Kentucky biology department, served on the committee that developed the standards also suggested that a test of basic scientific literacy be developed for legislators, but the idea was vetoed by the governor who feared setting a precedent of competence. "We make laws affecting education," he said in a statement, "No where is it stated that we have to be educated."

We Elected A Black Guy. Isn't That Enough For You People?

Finally we get a school district that understand what educating kids in America is supposed to be all about and those pesky Feds start meddling in what was otherwise a system functioning perfectly well. 

Officials in Lauderdale County, Mississippi, have operated "a school-to-prison pipeline" that violates the constitutional rights of juveniles by incarcerating them for alleged school disciplinary infractions, some as minor as defiance, the U.S. Department of Justice said. "OK, first of all, juveniles and constitutional rights? Where'd that come from?" asked Lauderdale School District Assistant Superintendent for In School Incarceration Programs R.T. Claude 'Buster' Wiggins, Jr. "And secondly this is Mississippi. Schools are pretty much prisons anyway."

"Students most affected by this system are African-American children and children with disabilities," the Justice Department said. "Yeah Yeah, OK. Maybe disabled kids is a bit over the top," Wiggins conceded. "You probably aren't gonna steal a car if you're in a wheelchair, but these little negro chillin' just ain't got no respect for their white betters. They need prison to learn how to get along in polite society."

The letter also names two Lauderdale County Youth Court judges, Frank Coleman and Veldore Young. "Now you ought to leave Frank and Veldore out of this," Wiggins said. "They was just doing their jobs a getting these trouble makers off the street fer they did something dangerous like learned to read or something equally disruptive to the public peace."

In 2009, the Lauderdale County Juvenile Detention Facility in Meridian was the target of a federal class-action lawsuit by the Southern Poverty Law Center that alleged children and teens were subjected to "shockingly inhumane" treatment, the center said. The alleged mistreatment included youngsters being "crammed into small, filthy cells and tormented with the arbitrary use of Mace as a punishment for even the most minor infractions -- such as 'talking too much' or failing to sit in the 'back of their cells,'" the center said in a statement.

Well, we ain't got no buses here," Wiggins said.

 

There Is No Word For Whistleblower In Latin

Well, looks like the Prada Pope has himself a bit of a sticky wicket.

A judge at the Vatican has ordered the pope's butler and a fellow lay employee to stand trial over leaks from Pope Benedict XVI's private apartment. The indictment accuses the butler Paolo Gabriele, who was arrested in May, of grand theft.

Now, those of you who attend the whack churches might wonder why the judge on the case is a "vatican" judge and not a Roman judge, since the vatican is in Rome and all, so allow us, as lousy cath...um laughable...no...lapsed...yeah, lapsed catholics to explain, seeing as we still have our Lives of the Saints, the novena edition and Latin to English dictionary and all. See the catholic church is the only church in whenever, or wherever to own its own country. Right there in the middle of Rome, the capitol of the independent country of Italy is this little sovereign nation called the vatican and you know that has to frost Pat Robinson's gonads every time he thinks about it. We can almost hear him now, "That fat old Nazi has his own country with an army and everything, and all I have is this stupid TV show."

Cheer up Pat. At least you don't have to walk around wearing the drapes and sporting a chapeau that looks like it was designed by the Insane Clown Posse. Not to mention always smelling like you just walked out of a sixties head shop.

Where were we? Oh yeah, squealers.

While the Vatican had insisted Gabriele was the only person under investigation, the indictment also charges Claudio Sciarpelletti, a layman in the secretary of state's office, with aiding and abetting Gabriele.

"Aiding and abetting." That's some serious Law and Order SVU talk right there, but we're a little confused. If papa Ratzi says the hired man is supposed to take the fall, where'd this other guy come from? It's almost as if the dexteram doesn't know what the sinistram is up to.

The scandal has embarrassed the Vatican as it has exposed the infighting at high church levels, primarily among Italian prelates.

Ah, infighting. Gotcha. We're still a smidge unclear though. What exactly is it you guys are infighting over? We mean, it's not like your going to get the Board of Directors to vote the pope out and take the church public on the New York Stock Exchange or anything, so what is it, the keys to the sacristy wine locker?

There had been widespread speculation about the possibility of a mole in the secretary of state's office since some of the leaked documents seemed to cast doubt over Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone's ability as the Vatican's No 2.

 Oh, we get it. You're saying the popester is like untouchable and whatnot, being god's primo dude here on planet earth, but number 2? Well, Jesus never said anything about that. Besides, Brother Ratzi isn't going to be around forever you know. This is sort of like King Lear, except with perverts.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that happiness is a Potemkin village built in the valley of disillusionment...erm...we mean know that we are loathe to give up our little digital soap box here on the porch of the marbled halls of IM Central, particularly on Fridays when we avail ourselves (and you honorable reader) of the latest feats and foibles of the overlords as they try to avoid gainful employment and meaningful existence.

However, yesterday as we were slooshing through the inter toobz, waiting for the Stoli to chill, we ran across the blog of well known animal rights wacko Karyn Zoldan who reported on the perplexity the Racing Commission in Arizona, a governmental body,  was having in determining what was a public record, as in, the records maintained by a governmental body.

Question: When is a public records request not a public records request?  Answer: When it’s sent to the Arizona Department of Racing. The Arizona Department of Racing is a state agency. And for the past gazillion years, it’s been funded by you the taxpayer from the state’s General Fund.

Now, admittedly our initial thought was that the Commission's newest member, friend of the blog Rory Goree must have attended his first meeting and this confusion is the result, but then we remembered, Mr. Goree doesn't have any difficulty recognizing public documents, he just doesn't want people to see them, particularly when they concern the number of greyhounds injured and killed, and killed because their injuries are deemed too expensive to fix.

 Well, a true conundrum, no? Oh wait, it seems the Commission no longer maintains the injury report.

Officials claimed that injury reports were no longer "maintained" by the agency and could not be produced.

Ah, there you go then. Can't release something you don't have, right?

Yesterday, we received proof that Dr. Andrew Carlton, Chief Veterinarian for the Department has in fact been in possession of injury documentation. This suggests that the agency has been playing hide-and-seek with the public record.

No, no no no. You've got it all wrong. It's not hide and seek, it's keep away. See the Commission gave the report to Dr. Carlton, so if you want it, you'll have to talk to him, at which time he'll give it back to the Commission.  Sort of like in grade school when someone would take your notebook and then toss it to another person when you tried to get it, who would then toss it to another, and so on. Remember how much fun that was?

But keep away aside, we've never dealt with the essential question of when is a public document public? Helpful commenter to Karyn's blog Marc B Evans lays it out for us:

The fact that a private entity is regulated by a government agency or that it receives tax subsidies do not make its records public. To get the injury logs, the state would have to require that race tracks submit them to the state agency as part of its regulation and the agency would have to "maintain" them as part of its regulatory duties. Then, assuming the Legislature doesn't exempt the records from review, which it frequently does for businesses it requires to submit reports (such as hospitals), the state agency would have to release the record.

 And thank you for clearing that up, Mr. Evans sir. You have truly done the public a service here...wait, what did you say Karyn?

TGP is not a private entity like a restaurant that must, for example, obey public health laws, pay sales tax and have non-discriminatory policies.  It is quasi-public because it must share its revenues by law with our state.  That's how pari-mutuel wagering works. 

Oh. So it turns out Mr. Evans is about 14 different kinds of wrong. But wait, he's not finished:

By my reading of this rule in the Administrative Code, these are public records. You should be able to obtain them. It doesn't matter whether they're not in the possession of the Department of Racing but kept either at the track or by the veterinarian. 

Well all righty then, we all agree. But why all the fuss in the first place? It's not like you're asking for the nuclear launch codes or anything.

A funny thing happened sometime after GREY2K USA released greyhound injury reports from Arizona racetracks in 2009. The Department of Racing decided it would no longer produce injury records to us.

Oh yeah. There is that whole state sanctioned animal abuse thing there. Tends to reflect badly on people who are supposed to have souls, right  Charon?

Charon is a very sweet but shy girl. She loves to play with the other Greyhounds in the household outside but once they are inside, she becomes shy. She loves to be petted but once she has gotten some attention she will back away. She is housebroken. She will go in her crate to take naps. She is learning to play with her toys. Charon would do best in a home with older well-behaved children due to her shyness, which her foster parents are working to help her overcome. She would do well as an only dog or with other dogs and she is cat safe. She would do best in a home with someone with experience with dogs who will be willing to work with her to help her overcome her shyness. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

58,343,671

Four years ago 58,343,671 people thought she was a good choice for Vice President:

58,343,671 voters put her in the same category as John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, Harry Truman, and Nelson Rockefeller to name a few.

 58,343,671, or 46% of the people smart enough to figure out how to put on their pants right and get down to a polling booth.

Now we're getting ready to have another election and a lot of those people are probably still around which is why we have it on good authority (an unnamed insider at Bain) that Romney planned on asking  Ann Coulter, but there were some...um...irregularities in her birth certificate.

Bobby Said We Could Have Your Money. He Didn't Say Anything About Your Rules

We're coming to you today from the Department of Advanced Pedagogy here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoAP is a division of the Learn Them Kids Right Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of We Don't Even Want To Teach The Little Sluts, Inc.

A while back, in one of our more sober moments we discoursed on the ramifications of President Obama's move to give states more latitude in how they fulfilled the tenets of NCLB. As we opined at the time, "we have a bad feeling about this." Now, we weren't specifically thinking about Louisiana at the time, but, well, Bobby Jindal, you know?

A Delhi Charter School policy that prevents pregnant female students from attending school and can force them to take a pregnancy test to continue attending school if administrators "suspect" pregnancy has drawn the attention of the American Civil Liberties Union. "And if your daughter tests positive we'll ask you to put a bumper sticker on your car that says 'I have a whore at Delhi Charter School,'" said a spokesperson for the school.

When asked to explain what parameters would lead school administrators to "suspect" a female student was pregnant, Vice Principal R. Buford Maddox, Jr. explained that there would be a calendar in the Principal's office where the girls would all record their periods. "We'll give you a couple days late," Maddox said, "but after that it's pee on the stick honey."

Delhi Charter School's policy states the school seeks to maintain an environment where students will learn and exhibit acceptable character traits such as it's always the girl's fault, do as you're told, and learn that you have to be married first, but you still can't enjoy it. When asked if male students would be dismissed if they engaged in sexual activity, the spokesperson replied, "Well, you can't blame the guys because some tramp can't keep her knees together...uh...I mean a full and complete investigation will be undertaken and appropriate action determined at that time."

Students who refuse to take a pregnancy test are "treated as a pregnant student and will be offered home study opportunities which will consist of intensive study Bristol Palin's memoir My Life So Far, weekly televised lectures on marriage and family from Newt Gingrich, and a subscription to Phyllis Schlafly's monthly newsletter Learn To Hate Yourself."

"Perhaps the school was not aware of the protections under Title IX (of the Education Amendments of 1972)," Marjorie Esman, executive director of the ACLU of Louisiana said. "I am feeling a bit frustrated that maybe not all of our schools are aware of these compliance issues. I hope they will remedy this or explain why they think they have the ability to do this."

"We don't have time for all this compliance nonsense." said Vice Principal Maddox. "What do you think this is, a public school?"

Maybe Once The Planet Turns Into A Charcoal Briquette You'll Realize Marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman

Our old daddy used to say "it takes a man to admit he's wrong,' which after a beat or two was followed with "because a woman never has to." It was basically his philosophy on marriage which, we hasten to add, kept him from having to sleep in the garage on many a night.

We offer that little anecdote as context for a followup on our post of last week in which we pointed out that the planet is slowly cinderizing when it isn't a howling blizzard of sideways snow and temperatures approaching those of liquid nitrogen. Either way, Thunderdome for those unlucky enough to survive. Additionally, we have apparently brought this on ourselves, unless you are a republican in which case liberal policies have created an uber class of elite intellectuals who will profit from the planet's impending meteorological apocalypse and must be fought with every last free market regulation lowering, tax avoiding tool available.

Well, since Oklahoma burned down last week, we thought we might revisit the aforementioned champions of free enterprise and see if they had all quit their day jobs to go into charcoal farming.

Republican lawmakers say this year's harsh weather that has produced devastating wildfires and the most widespread drought in 50 years has not changed their minds on climate change. "People say summers have gotten a lot hotter since they were kids," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan.). "That's not because of climate change, that's because you've grown up. You're closer to the sun now then when you were a little kid."

Sen. John Boozman (R-Ark.) also believes current conditions are part of normal volatility. “Sure the entire country is turning into a desert," he said, "But that doesn't mean a new ice age isn't just around the corner. Cycles man. Learn some science."

“Those same people don’t say that when we have cold weather, like if there’s a cold snap, so they’re not being consistent,” said Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-Colo.), whose Colorado Springs-based district saw the most destructive wildfire in state history earlier this summer. "I mean, you don't see these eggheads scientists talking about wild fires after one of those four day blizzards that shut down the whole east coast do you?"

In a floor speech last Monday, Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) said, "Look at the patterns. It gets cold, it gets warmer, it gets colder, gets warmer. God is still up there, and bro,  if the dude came down here he'd think Old Ned moved his operation north 'cause it's so hot out there last week I caught a pre-cooked fish."

“I’ve heard a lot about the drought,” said Rep. Tim Griffin (R-Ark.), “but I have not heard one thing connecting this to climate change. Course, I get most of my information from Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, so I may not be the most up to date person on this issue."

Inhofe recounted that in the 1970s, some scientists were afraid of another ice age on Earth: "Now, we're all going to die, keep that in mind, whether it's global warming or another ice age, we're all going to die."

Right, but that's sort of the outcome we're trying to avoid here senator, you know, all of us dying? End of civilization? Cockroaches inherit the planet, stuff like that.

Life In The Republic (Pandemonium Edition)

Well, another fine late summer weekend has rolled through the marbled halls here at IM Central, and as is our wont in these dog days, we spent most of it blissfully out of touch with the activities of our betters, busily collecting shade and determinedly reducing the volume of Stoli extant in the world (please drink responsibly so we don't have to). Now however we find ourselves back in harness and the electronic computer machine haughtily insists on tattling on the activities of our countrymen in the previous 48.

First we hear of a fellow lover of freedom out exercising his Second Amendment rights.

The gunman who opened fire in a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wis., and killed six people has been identified as Wade Michael Page, an Army veteran who left the service with a less than honorable discharge.

Apparently making less than honorable discharges was a character flaw with which this gentleman was burdened. Single purpose mayhem is rather overdone though, don't you think? We need some of that good old American can do spirit. Witness this citizen who manages to assert his Second Amendment rights while--at the same time--commenting on the state of race relations in early 21st century America.

Authorities in Port St. Joe, Florida say a man charged with a hate crime felt inconvenienced by his arrest because he had “only shot a n*gger.” Walton Henry Butler, 59, was arrested by Gulf County Sheriff’s deputies on Monday night for shooting 32-year-old Everett Gant, who is black, in the head with a .22 caliber rifle.

Oh, we hear you Walton. Why the paperwork alone is enough to kill you, even if you just shoot a relative. We can imagine what it's like if you shoot one of those pampered minorities. Your mistake was probably calling the police to come and clean it up instead of doing it yourself.

And what kind of weekend would it be if somewhere, someone didn't reassert their support for that fundamental American principle, Freedom Of Religion? 

A Missouri mosque that had only weeks ago been targeted in an arson attack was burned down overnight. The FBI and ATF are investigating.

In other news, Curiosity landed safely on Mars. We're beginning to think we should have hitched a ride on that bad boy.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Department of Visual Aids here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoVA is a division of the For Our Illiterate Friends Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of the Why Do You Think They Put Pictures Of The Food On The Menu Company.

See, every Friday we bring you news from the wacky world of the overlords in which they  proclaim their love and affection for the units...er...dogs and in which we then point out that the gulf between their  words and their deeds is...how to say this politely...measured in parsecs. Case in point: We all know how the overlords like to pontificate on the care and feeding greyhounds get at the track because athletes, massive investments, partners, so forth and what not. But then something like this comes along:

Goosebumps has been one of the most successful Angle Park greyhounds in recent years, with an impressive 26 wins around the state’s premier circuit. However her last place finish on June 28 would be the final appearance by the diminutive speedster, after suffering an injury that forced owner/trainer Matthew Payne to call it a day.

It's interesting that trainer Matthew Payne got to "call it a day" while Goosebumps got to die. We're sure he was grieving his loss as Goosebumps breathed her last. His loss of income that is.

Overall, Goosebumps will end her time with 63 starts for 30 wins and 12 placings in a career spanning almost 2 years at banking nearly $50,000 in the process.

Well, it's a tough business you know? Trainers can lose money and stuff.

On Friday July 6th track officials were eventually forced to cancel the last race after four dogs sustained broken hocks in four separate races. The injuries were treatable but judged potentially career ending and in order to protect profits - rather than protect the dogs themselves - all four dogs were destroyed at the track.

OK, you get the picture. Overlords tell anyone who will listen how much they care for the greyhounds trapped in their kennels, then off the dog when it looks like its cash generating capacity has run out. We take a brief moment out of your day on Fridays to point out this...ah...disparity in the hopes that somewhere, someone, perhaps an overlord,  might come to the conclusion that his or her chosen field of endeavor is at odds with well, pretty much everything that makes humans human and not two legged scorpions all with the empathy of a Black Mamba having a bad day.

Frankly though, we have to say we haven't been all that successful--there is this guy, but we're pretty sure he just figured things out on his own--so like all teachers do when encountering reluctant learners, we're adapting our lesson plan.We ran across a nice visual aide the other day which sums up in a graphic way, what we have been saying about the wholesale abuse and cruelty visited upon innocent living creatures in the name of profit...erm...we mean greyhound racing. Please feel free to share. Click to view the IMAX 3D version.

OK, just so there's no misunderstanding, overlords, that top row? That represents the particular zip code of delusion in which you spend the bulk of your days. That bottom row? That's where people still connected to reality find themselves. Oh, and in case you're wondering where we stand on the issue: Click for the steroidal version.

We'd like to close this week with a special shout out to friend of the blog Rory Goree whom, you may recall was recently appointed to be the third wheel on the Arizona Racing Commission. Mr Goree, we hope any marks left by the spanking you recently received by the Governor's staff for your...erm...unfortunate pubic comments have healed and you have learned your lesson. As you say, "as a racing regulator appointed by the Governor, I realize that I must be more careful in my public statements."

So true, Mr. Goree, but we wouldn't worry much about it if we were you because your tenure on the Commission is going to be a race between when the Governor finally realizes what a loser she's appointed and fires you, or the one remaining track in Arizona closes and your position becomes moot.
What do you say  Craigie? Want to engage in a little wager as to which comes first?

Craigie Murphy is a very happy, friendly boy. He loves to be around people and other dogs. He does well in his crate and is housebroken. He loves to go for walks and he loves everyone he meets while out walking. He is also cat safe. He has learned to go up and down the stairs. He is a squeaky toy spaz. When he hears squeaky toys, he will “plow” through the other dogs just to get to the toy. He is also a collector. He will empty the toy box and bring things to his bed. He is a counter surfer and since he is so tall, this is an easy task for him but his foster parents are working with him on this issue. Craigie Murphy is used to being by himself while his foster parents are at work so he would do fine in a working home. He would be fine in a home with children of any age. He loves playing with the other dogs in the foster home so he would probably do best in a home with another dog for company. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Romney! Motto: Unlikable On At Least Three Continents

OK, so The Mitt goes to Britain where he promptly insults the British. Then he goes to Israel where he promptly insults the Palestinians. This is an improvement because at least he's learned not to insult the people whose country he is in. Instead he insults the people who are occupied by the people of the country he is in.

This is what's known as establishing your foreign policy bona fides.

Next up, Poland where he plans to insult the Russians.

Oh well, on the bright side at least he had to fly to Europe and the Middle East so, you know, no dog strapped to the roof.

Also. Too, Mitt loves socialist health care. Except when he doesn't.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog recognize the ultimate futility of purpose in the face of a chaotic universe where entropy grows faster than the interest on Romney's off shore accounts...erm...we mean recognize the name Rory Goree, philosopher, scientist and Captain of the overlords.

Well, Mr. Goree has just added another accomplishment to his long career of...ah...his long career of....OK that's not really the point now. The point is that Jan Brewer, governor of Arizona has appointed Mr. Goree to the Arizona Racing Commission, which even though it's mostly about horse racing still has to have one greyhound person on it because Tucson Greyhound Park, the last track in Arizona might decide to have a race or two even though the legislature told them it would be really, really, really OK if they didn't and in fact if they wanted to turn the whole place into a Senior Center, or a  Water Park, or Used Car lot, whatever, it's fine.

But did they take the hint? Sometimes these overlords, man. We mean, whole states pass laws saying we don't want you, and the overlords are all like "S'up dude? Where you want us to set up?" Here's a ticket man. Go catch a ride on the clue train. So anyway somebody had to be on the Racing Commission to represent the overlords and Mr. Goree was chosen, which is sort of like being asked to be the pitching coach of a T-ball team.

Now for those of you who may be thinking this is some kind of political patronage job, you can put that thought right out of your minds because Mr. Goree had to qualify for the post, just like, you know, that time he applied for the Drive Through Window position at the Taco Joe's. Yeah, yeah so that didn't work out so well, but in his defense nobody told him the window had to be opened before you passed the customer's purchase out to them.

Anyway, to get appointed to the Racing Commission, Mr. Goree had to submit his resume which we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have come into possession of, and would like to share with you now as part of our new regular feature which we just made up called Get To Know An Overlord.

Under Education Mr. Goree lists United States Navy, Highest Rank: E5, (1993). Now, we're sure some of you are confused by this as E5 is a designation and you would have expected a listing under "Education" to refer to some sort of credential like high school diploma, or Bachelors Degree, or in Mr. Goree's case the third grade completion certificate he got when he turned 18, but in his defense, this is Arizona we're talking about, home of Russell Pearce and Sheriff Joe Arpiao so you can see how the term "Education" might be difficult to comprehend.

Besides, this is greyhound racing we're talking about. Who cares about education? We need a man who has had a long a varied career in the field. Someone who knows the industry inside out. Someone who has experienced greyhound racing first hand at all its levels. This is bound to be Mr. Goree's strong suite:

United Greyhound Racing, Director of Welfare and Advocacy, 2001 – Present

Greyhound Pets of America:

President, 2002 – 2011

Vice President, 1999 – 2002

 Um...OK. Dude has worked two jobs in greyhound racing, neither one of them specifically associated with a track. Well, one and a half jobs is probably more accurate since he worked both jobs together for ten years. And that "Director of Welfare" gig, wasn't that during the time when 140 greyhound disappeared from Tucson Greyhound Park? Wasn't that when the cruelty scandal at Tucson Greyhound Park broke? Wasn't that when the track had to shut down for two weeks because of an outbreak of a "mysterious respiratory disease?" Wasn't that during the time eight dogs died from heat stroke during transport? All when Rory Goree was "Director of Welfare?"

Well, yes, yes it was, but all the resume is supposed to do is list Mr. Goree's jobs. It doesn't have to say whether he was any good at them or not, right girls?

We're doing something a little different this week. Last week we were involved in a rescue that brought 15 dogs from a kennel in Alabama up to Michigan. Two of those refugees, V's Get Reel (top) and DK's Bug Tussle made their way to the marbled halls of IM Central, where, as you can see they quickly adapted to their new surroundings. V and Bug as we call them, have fit right into life around the old homestead, and while they are still technically in foster mode...well...let's just say we've "failed" fostering before. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

The Devil Went Down to Providence

Frequent reader(s) of this blog savor the sweet, sweet smell of decay in the garden of orphaned hopes...erm...we mean know that when Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal was in college, one of his after school jobs was exorcist. Now, you may think that's a trifle odd, but if you're going to be a republican who looks like Bobby Jindal, you can pretty much write off any of those wingnut welfare internships because the white guys have already hoovered them up. Well, and a couple of girls too. It's not like the republican party isn't a big tent party or anything, you know.

Anyway Steven Spielberg, or somebody got drunk and decided to produce an homage to little Bobby's run in with Beelzebub and it is well and truly weird. And that is our professional opinion as aficionados of the well and truly weird.



OK, gut reaction? Great flick. It had action, chicks and while nothing got blown up or set on fire and nobody got naked (although the Koren chick had her boobs tickled--by the Demon or Bobby, it's not clear) most of the elements of modern day cinematic excellence were there, but we have a few questions.

While it's true that the Archangel Michael curb stomped Old Ned back in the day and sent him howling off to the nether world, it seems--if you listen to just about any modern day preacher still sober enough to talk--that his guerrilla campaign since then has pretty much fought General Jesus to a standstill. So we're just wondering, given that the omniscient, omnipotent forces of right and good have been held off for lo these many millennia, how could a bunch of geeky kids with no professional training bitch slap the Prince of Darkness like that?

There also seems to be some sort of unresolved back-story here as well. Apparently little Bobby and the vessel of Satan have some sort of past together. Is this somehow related to the possession? Was the Son of Perdition trying to get at little Bobby through his girlfriend? Had the Antichrist approached Bobby directly at a previous time to tempt him over to the dark side, and failing that gone after his squeeze for revenge?

And while we're on the topic of Bobby, Amy Grant causes little Bobby to have a fap attack? Seems like Belial could have used that to his advantage, maybe promised Bobby she'd do a Playboy spread if he threw over the Lord or something.

We also have some concerns about the merry band of spiritual warriors Bobby hooked up with, we mean, there's some kinky stuff going on there man. Penis rings? Come on. He didn't learn about that while he was earning his 100% attendance certificate at Sunday school.

But as, um, as askew as this stalwart band of revelers are, they still do almost all of the heavy lifting. For most the of film Bobby's over against the wall looking like he's about to pee his pants. Hardly the image the governor of Louisiana should have.

OK, it's Louisiana, we take that back, but our point is it seems Bobby was more an onlooker here while his compatriots shooed the Tempter in Chief out of his old girlfriend.

Side note: Don't think they'll be getting back together.

Great ending though. It says the girl who shared her corporeal form with the Wicked One later became a catholic. Yep, joined Pappa Ratzi's posse.  So who really won?

Fox News! Motto: We're Running Out Of Ways Not To Say He's Blaaaack!!!

So President Oblackman had the temerity to suggest that we live in a series of interconnected communities, and thus no man is an island, entire to himself. Well, we wouldn't mind it if Rush Limbaugh was an island entire to himself, but we digress.

Predictably, those who disagree with Oblackman's policies (did we mention he's one of...them) took issue with the part of the quote that they could carve out and cut off from the rest of what the president said. Not really news so far, since every time the president even burps someone accuses him of wanting to send Hoveround Americans to FEMA camps where they will be forced to gay marry Saul Alinsky if they want to avoid the death panel. And Fox News has always been particularly adept at this strategy, often throwing ethics, scruples and any passing regard for the truth to the four winds for what can only be described as a untethered roller coaster ride through Pat Buchanan's fever dreams.

But this time, they've really outdone themselves.

Kilmeade: Clara, how do you feel about the President saying that you needed help to start this business. And just speak from — speak from within. All right, you know what? Let’s switch over to —
Younger sister Eliza yawns. Clara begins to speak.
Kilmeade: Why don’t you answer that one?
Clara, age 7: I would say that’s rude because we worked very hard to build this business. But we did have help.
Kilmeade: And your help came from?
Clara, age 7: Our help came from our investors, our dad and stepmom, along with other friends and family.

"Friends and family." Yeah and maybe the public school teacher who taught you how to spell lemonade too? It doesn't even matter that the criticisms in any way, you know, criticize anymore. If anything, this is more about the president being right when he said it takes a village to make a success.

 It's as if whenever the president says anything, words have to come out of some people's mouths that are supposed to explain why he's wrong, but they don't, and the people saying them don't seem to know it, or to care if they do.
 
 Take a 4 and a 7 year old, coach them up on what to say, then put them on national TV to "criticize" the president's quote which you took way out of context anyway. Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach kids about how a democracy works.

Come on Fox News. Just use the N word and get it over with.

And While We're On The Topic

Picking up on the thread of yesterday's post, or perhaps more accurately picking at the scab of yesterday's post, senator Jon Kyl (R-What else?) took himself to the Senate floor to decry the president's new found, if somewhat lukewarm populism:

President Barack Obama should stop talking about the middle class because it turns people against rich Americans, who should be embraced as the Michael Jordans of the U.S. economy, Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) said Monday.  Declaring that the use of the phrase “middle class” is “misguided and wrong and even dangerous,” Kyl argued in a Senate floor speech that Obama is “spreading economic resentment [that] weakens American values” and ignoring “the uniquely meritocratic basis of our society.”

Meritocratic? You trying to tell us Willard's boys earned their place in the 1% on their merits and not because old dad dropped $10 mil on them? You trying to tell me little Georgie Bush wouldn't have ended up behind the night desk of a Seven Eleven out on highway 60 instead of in the White House if his daddy hadn't been Big George Herbert Walker (Son of Prescott) Bush?  And don't even get us started on Dan (would lose a debate with a box of hammers) Quayle's son Ben who has distinguished himself in the House of Representatives by earning the title "Not as Stupid as Louie Gohmert."

America is about as close to a meritocracy as champagne is to a red eyed tree frog. Obviously this is another pronouncement from the senator that "was not intended to be a factual statement," or as we like to say, Kyl is talking again.

By the way, senator, we think the word you were looking for wasn't meritocracy, it was oligarchy. Just trying to help.

This Is Why We Drink, Chapter 14,354,268

Former Arizona State Sen. Russell Pearce wrote a missive Saturday highlighting the collective failure of the victims of the Aurora, Colo. massacre to stop the shooter who left 12 people dead and nearly 60 wounded in a movie theater.

The only good thing about that passage is the word "former" in front of Russell Pearce's name. At some point in the last few election cycles the phrase "best and brightest" got changed to "disturbed and dumb" and people who, in a rational universe, would not even be allowed to operate power tools have been placed in charge. It is therefore no surprise to read:

Had someone been prepared and armed they could have stopped this "bad" man from most of this tragedy. He was two and three feet away from folks, I understand he had to stop and reload.

Because it is a long established fact that the only thing that can make a situation with a lot of bullets flying around a confined, darkened space with hundreds of panicked people better is more bullets flying around a confined, darkened space with hundreds of panicked people.

Where were the men of flight 93????

We had not been aware that there were no women on Flight 93. Perhaps if we went to gender exclusive theaters we might prevent something like this from happening in the future.

All that was needed is one Courages/Brave man prepared mentally or otherwise to stop this it could have been done.

Well, a courages man is hard to find, former state senator Pearce, we all know that. Perhaps all the courages men went down with Flight 93.

Lives were lost because of a bad man, not because he had a weapon...

Right. Because if he had walked into that theater with, say a slingshot and not enough legally purchased  firepower to support a battalion of Marines, instead of all those people being dead and injured today someone might have lost an eye or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog know that reality is the tiger that lurks in the bushes trying to convince you it is just a harmless house cat...erm...we mean know the name Gary Guccione, designated Word Monger for the overlords. By dint of the fact that he has not only a Word-A-Day calendar, but a thesaurus as well, he's been the go to guy for the rest of the overlords whenever the truth gets out...uh...we mean whenever animal rights wackos distort and misrepresent the deep respect, admiration and affection the overlords have for their units...ah...dogs.

And so, when well known animal rights wacko Eric Jackson had the unmitigated audacity to suggest that greyhounds being injured and killed, tracks closing and state legislatures casting the overlords to the free market winds might be indicative that all is not well in the exciting family fun sport of greyhound racing, the call went out once again to Mr. G, his calendar of power and the thesaurus of doom.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that greyhounds must be well cared for in order to perform at their best. Greyhound racing has rigorous programs in place to ensure that these amazing dogs receive the high quality care they deserve.

 Well, as long as they keep winning that is. After that...um...let's just say greyhounds' retirement plan is not the most comprehensive in the world, but come on Mr. G, you've been beating this particular drum for a good many years now and it's no more true now than it was then. It's what we in the industry call a canard. A tired old canard. How about some new stuff?

The rules also require that greyhounds be fed health, nutritious food, including meat that is inappropriate for human consumption but perfectly safe for consumption by animals.

Right. That's why dogs are so extensively used as animal models for humans in orthopedic, anatomical and digestive studies. As Dr. Cook (DVM, PhD) says,  "Finally, the canine digestive system is similar to the human (monogastric)..." Another tired old canard G. We're beginning to think you're just phoning it in.

It should be noted that the organization, Grey2K, does not operate an adoption program, and makes no direct contribution to the adoption effort. Instead, it lobbies and conducts political campaigns to abolish greyhound racing completely.

Oh. OK, let's see it we've got this. Because Grey2K is an advocacy group, greyhounds are well cared for. That about cover it? Well, at least it's not a canard. More of a non sequitur, but at least you're not being redundant. This shouldn't be so hard though, G. We mean defending greyhound racing, you should be able to write pages about that, there's so much to brag about, right greyhound trainer John Gammon?

“Everything’s hard in the game these days, decent dogs are harder to come by and you can’t win money like you once could..." When such a long established trainer as Gammon calls it a day it is yet another painful reminder of how difficult this business of greyhound racing has become. More will follow the Gammon route and until such time as promoters reward trainers with worthwhile contracts the trainer drain will continue and no doubt escalate.

Whoa. Come on John, it's not that bad is it? Help us out here GOBATA chairman, Martin White.

“John Gammon is one of the most respected trainers in the sport and without wishing to single him out this is becoming a step too far, the industry is collapsing like a deck of cards.“

Aw, you guys are as bad as the animal rights wackos at Grey2K. You got any proof for all this gloom and doom? 

Oxford Stadium in Blackbird Leys could be demolished to make way for new homes and flats. A public consultation is to be held next week on plans for 150 houses and 75 flats at the greyhound stadium site.

Oh sure, go all the way to England to find out something bad about greyhound racing. What's the matter, the good old USA not fitting into your prejudice?

 In 1944, greyhound races were added, making the racetrack one of the oldest continuous running racing facilities in the United States for horses and greyhounds. That was before 2008. For over 105 years, the track had survived, World War I, the Great Depression and World War II. What it couldn’t overcome was politics. Friday, the Anthony Fair Association is auctioning off everything to make room for the oil boom in Harper County. Horse barns, starting gates, the greyhound track, fences and the 108–year-old grandstand: everything that can be carried off and some that can’t will be auctioned off. The new owners of the land are going to rent the main office to an oil company and build housing for the workers on the oil fields and wind farms.

OK that could be a problem, but on the bright side it does explain why Guccione is republishing the same letter over and over, right Astar?

Astar is very laid back and friendly. He loves attention and petting. He loves everyone he meets. He is not sure what to do with toys yet. He does well in the crate and has learned the stairs. He walks very well on the leash. He gets along well with the Italian Greyhound that also lives in the home. He would do well in a home with older well-behaved children. He would be fine with other dogs in the home or as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Did You Know That Deputies From The Maricopa Sheriff's Department All Wear Tinfoil Under Their Hats? Department Policy

Man, we just found out that President Obama is still not an American. We thought that had all been settled because hasn't he got like what, 47 birth certificates or something? Well, apparently that's not enough because Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio--who calls himself 'America's Sheriff' btw--says 47 is not enough when you're black.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his Cold Case Posse on Tuesday announced that their long-running investigation had found the long-form birth certificate released by President Barack Obama was “undoubtedly fraudulent, and since we're bilking the taxpayers for this whole sham investigation, if there's anyone who knows about fraud, it's us.”

“My hope is that the U.S. Congress will take over from here if not to further the birth certificate forgery possibility, then at least to examine the state of Hawaii’s laws in regards to the issuance of birth certificates which may be permitting untold numbers of foreign born people to wrongly gain U.S. citizenship.”

Wait a minute. You mean Hawaii is like, selling birth certificates or something? Whoa! If Osama had known that he could have bought one, moved to Fargo and opened a falafel shop. There's no way Obama would have found him in Fargo. Dude could have even voted for Romney or something.

Mike Zullo, the posse’s chief investigator and author of so-called “birther” books, said that after a trip to Hawaii the investigators found that coding numbers seen on the President’s birth certificate were not consistent with the coding required by the federal government.

 Now, we should take a moment here to point out that just because Mr. Zullo is the author of several "birther-books" (For sale in the lobby--the author will be available for autographs after the news conference) that in no way affected his impartiality in conducting this investigation for Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who even though he has no jurisdiction in Hawaii, knows that even if there are county sheriffs in Hawaii, they're all probably really from Pakistan or something because selling birth certificates.

As for the codes, these are super duper,  above ultra secret, special certifying verification sequences given to the federal government by space aliens from Alpha Centauri who were trying to keep Obama from becoming president and destroying the galaxy. Zullo was able to decipher the codes because one day, on his way home from the community mental health clinic he was given a decoder ring by one of the space aliens disguised as Princess Leila. "Help me, Obi-Wan Zullo," the alien said. "You're my only hope."

Zullo also said Hawaii Assistant Attorney General Jill Nagamine had refused to cooperate with the investigation, further suggesting Zullo was a flaming idiot without the brains god gave a tennis ball. Nagamine refused to give the sheriff’s investigators permission to see the original birth documents held by the Hawaii Department of Health "because even though this is America and you're free to be a pustulating jerk, you don't get to waste my time with your unmedicated fever dreams. He's black and he's president. Deal with it." Emails obtained by Talking Points Memo show that Hawaii officials questioned why they should take a bunch a wackaloons from Arizona seriously when the surf was up.

Think Of All The Rebuilding Jobs There'll Be After Tornadoes Fires And Floods Wreck The Country

Hey everybody, hot enough for you? We are pretty sure the bricks on the building across the street are melting. Not that we're complaining or anything. At least we don't live in the parts of the country that are burning down, or getting blown away, or swept away. Come to think of it, the fact that we have to wear wooden planks on the bottom of our shoes so the soles don't catch fire when we walk down to the mailbox is probably one of the lesser inconveniences people are going to face as the planet pin-balls between weather extremes on the way to cindering out. Too bad there's nothing we can do about it.

Oh wait, apparently there is.

The world’s scientists predicted decades ago that manmade global warming (caused by burning coal, oil and gas, cutting down forests, plus a few other large scale human activities) would mean that severe heat waves, drought and flood would quickly become more frequent … and at just the rate that they, in fact, have. — And sometimes more intense, as they in fact have.

OK, so if man made it, man can unmake it, right? It's times like these we turn to our leaders for...um...that vision thing. 

In a letter sent last Friday to their Republican counterparts, Reps. Henry Waxman (D-CA), the ranking member of the Energy and Commerce Committee, and Rep. Bobby Rush (D-IL), the ranking member of the E and C subcommittee on energy and power, made what they counted as their 15th effort to hold a hearing into the matter.

Yeah baby, that's what we like, Decisive Action! Americans love a challenge. Let's roll up our sleeves and...wait, 15th request? Huh. Guess the republicans were busy protecting marriage or something, or maybe Waxman and Rush didn't say why they wanted hearings. Got to have a reason, you know. Can't just be spending taxpayer dollars on every cockamamie idea coming down the pike.

“Specifically, we request that you hold a hearing on the recent wildfires and extreme weather events the United States has experienced and the role global climate change played in these events,” wrote Waxman and Rush. They cited statistics detailing the unusually severe heat wave, droughts, wildfires, storms and floods that have struck the nation this year, pointing to scientific findings that climate change played a role in them. A new report by the National Climatic Data Center determined that the odds of this year’s extreme weather being a fluke — as opposed to the consequence of manmade carbon dioxide emissions — are extremely low.

 Oh. OK. Well, sounds like these guys have dome their homework so let's get to it guys. Like we said, America loves a challenge.

A committee spokesperson for Energy and Commerce Chairman Fred Upton (R-MI) told TPM that Republicans had already addressed the issue in a March 2011 hearing. “The committee held a hearing last year to examine related issues including extreme weather events, patterns of warming, and the attribution of climate change to human activity,” the aide said. “With 41 consecutive months of higher than 8 percent unemployment, the committee’s focus continues to be on jobs and promoting commonsense solutions that protect both the environment and the economy.”

 Focus on jobs and promoting commonsense solutions that protect both the environment and the economy, huh? Guess we missed that. Must have been right after you voted for the 33rd time to repeal the Affordable Care Act.

His Accompaniment Was The Band From The Titanic

So most everyone has seen the ad where Mitt Romney sings and loses the support of the people who can carry a tune in a bushel basket demographic (also the hearing impaired community because apparently he sang so badly even lip readers ran from their televisions). Then the topper, along comes mean old Mr. Obama and decides to have a little fun at the Mittbot's expense: 



 OK so Mitt would have been better off if he had hired someone to sing for him like his wife hired someone to ride her horse for her, but this affront to the melody impaired cannot be allowed to stand so campaign Moneybuckets fired back:



Now, if you watched both videos and you're like us you're thinking Mitty boy, you do not want to get into a sing off with Obama, but then you realize it's a choice between OK so I can't sing as well as the president, and  which one of us is the liar and possible felon, and you can see why the musical route was more appealing.

We're thinking debates set up like American Idol.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the ultimate outcome of desire is ennui...erm...we mean know that a few weeks ago we pointed out that the greyhound racing facility in Tucson, known formally as Death Camp For Greyhounds, or as the overlords refer to it, Tucson Greyhound Park, had been released from the onerous bonds of the state and allowed to freely soar into the welcoming embrace of the free market.

How'd that turn out Mr. Overlord sir?

Tucson Greyhound Park's faded aqua, pink and purple bleachers groaned not under the weight of excited racing junkies but with the wind as thunder rolled over the empty stadium. A faint recording crackled over the loudspeaker, enthusiastically welcoming a crowd that wasn't there. A black-and-white sign sat atop the betting counter: "Closed."

BOO YA!!! See what happens when pencil necked bureaucrats get out of the way and let small business thrive? Oh wait, "empty" and "closed," they aren't good, right?

Since the 1980s, the number of Arizona greyhound tracks has shrunken from five to one. But a new law allowing the reduction of live-racing days to 100 per year, from 200, could help the park stay open in the event of serious financial hardship.

OK, we're not financial experts or anything, but are you telling us that the way to to make your business successful is to cut your business in half? Please explain Mr. Tom Taylor, CEO and general manager of the Tucson park.

"It's there if we need it; it's like life insurance," said Taylor. "You never want to use it, but you want to have it. So if we just keep cutting back on greyhound racing here at the greyhound racing park, eventually we'll get to a point where we don't race enough to make some money. It's higher level business stuff. You probably wouldn't understand."

No no, we get it. The more you cut back on greyhound racing at the greyhound racing park, the more you improve your chance to make money. Sort of like golf, less is better in golf too.

Gary Guccione, the National Greyhound Association's executive director opposed the legislation. He's concerned about the impact. "Live racing is our bread and butter," he said. "Once you start cutting into that, who knows where it might stop?"

 Now, Mr. Guccione, Mr. Taylor just explained that. As you reduce greyhound racing days at the greyhound racing park, you eventually get to a point where you don't race enough and you can cover your costs, because when the track is closed you're not adding to your costs. So staying closed a lot is a sound business practice for greyhound racing parks.Get it?

Unless...OK we see your point Mr. Guccione. As you stay closed more and more, eventually you're closed for good, then to make money you might do something like tear down the track, maybe build a homeless shelter there or whatnot. Yeah, that is a point, but look on the bright side--there would be jobs at the homeless shelter. You would have an opportunity to, you know, make a positive contribution to society for a change, and that wouldn't be so bad, would it Sparky?

Sparky is getting more outgoing. He is a very sweet boy. He can be shy at first but warms up to his surroundings quickly. He loves to be petted. He is very playful for a nine year old. Sparky will make a wonderful pet. Sparky would do best in a home with at least one other dog since he is used to being around other dogs. He would do best in a home with someone who can show him a lot of attention since he loves to be petted. He would do well in a home with or without children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Snoop Mitty Mitt

Hey, we learned something yesterday. The Mittbot's programmer sent him out to talk to a bunch of black folks and forgot to reprogram Panderprogram so he gave basically the same speech he gives to the mostly white crowds paid to show up at his regular appearances, and he got booed by the assembled brothers and sisters.

That's not the part where we learned anything though because come on, is there anyone whiter and more out of touch with any shade or hue not #FFFFFF and rich than Willard Richie MacWhite? No, it was after that when he was safe and sound back with his homies that we learned the thing we learned. See, he hightailed it right out of Houston, where he gave the speech, to the whitest state he could find on short notice--Montana where he said:

When I mentioned I am going to get rid of Obamacare, they weren't happy ... That's okay, I want people to know what I stand for, and if I don't stand for what they want, go vote for someone else, that's just fine. But I hope people understand this, your friends who like Obamacare, you remind them of this, if they want more stuff from the government, tell them to go vote for the other guy—more free stuff. But don’t forget nothing is really free.

 Now, what Mitt told his posse was he got right up in the grill of  people like this who are freeloading off the government and told them when his programmers finally get all the bugs out of his software that particular gravy train is going to come to a screeching halt. So, Tene Franklin, Genetic Counselor at Meharry Medical College, you better put down that 40 and start looking for a job. And you Benjamin S. Carson, Sr., Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery Co-Director of the Craniofacial Center Professor of Neurological Surgery, Oncology, Plastic Surgery and Pediatrics at Johns Hopkins Children's Center, you better quit using the want ads to wrap your blunts and start reading them. And you Oprah Winfrey you better...uh...you better...you better stop giving cars away.

Man, when we found out that under Obamacare if you were an uninsured white or Hispanic woman looking for some preventative health care you couldn't get it because it was only going to blacks (and maybe only black NAACP members--we're still checking on that) well, let's just say our eyes were opened. When we found out that you could only stay on your parents insurance until you were 26 if you knew how to prepare collard greens, and couldn't be refused insurance for a preexisting condition only if you could recite the lyrics to Ghetto Dreams or Bad Girls Club it became obvious to us that this great nation is being dismantled and given away to undeserving, unappreciative freeloaders and only Mitt can save us.

Romney/Some Other White Bread Guy 2012!

We Must Have Missed The Story About Justice Scalia's Head Exploding

Hey, the Supreme Court said Obama could continue to turn this country into a socialist dystopia complete with gay married judges invoking Sharia law by sending old people off to death camps. Or as the lame stream media likes to call it Obamacare. That slipped by us, out roaming the countryside as we were where the deer and the antelope play and the skies are not cloudy all day except from Calgary to Medicine Hat (motorcycling tip: Don't ride in hail storms).

Anyway, now that the Supreme Court has capitulated to Muslim extremism our only hope to avoid keeping almost 50 million people from getting health insurance is The House of Representatives, lead by the honorable John Boehner, or as his colleagues call him, The Orange Doofus.

Despite an inadequate sum of votes in the Senate to repeal it, House Speaker John Boehner said voting for repeal in the aftermath of the court's decision will only act to strengthen his party's resolve. "We can't have health care going out to every Tom Dick and Harriet in America," Boehner said. "There are almost nine million uninsured children in this country. Isn't it obvious we already have the best health care system in the world?"

Now, rank and file Republicans are lining up behind the speaker to show some backbone. "I don't think it's symbolic," Rep. Allen West, R-Fla., told ABC Monday evening. "Now that we know that the truth is out there that this is a tax, we need to be able to let the American people know where we stand. We didn't know it was a tax before. Well, we did, but it was more fun calling it socialism. We're serious now."

Rep. Raul Grijalva, D-Ariz., urged Democrats to stay on offense and trumpet the benefits of the law that are already being realized by voters, unlike the defensive posture congressional Democrats took in the 2010 midterm election."We're not going to be defensive or apologetic," Grijalva, co-chair of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, declared."Well, except when we're being defensive or apologetic because, you know, we're Democrats and that's what we do."

Rep. Rosa DeLauro, who played a chief role in passing the bill, said the GOP's attempt to repeal the law is not just about politics, but also what would be taken away from Americans already enjoying assistance mandated by law.

"Taking stuff away from people is what republicans are all about," Boehner countered. "Why do you think we're against Medicare, Social Security, Public Schools, voting. All that stuff."

"If you've got orders to take a hill, you're going to keep going until you take the hill," West, R-Fla., explained. "The American people don't want this Patient Protection Affordable Care Act. It's heinous, it's onerous. And we've got to hurry because support for the law is increasing. Once people figure out it's better, we'll be sunk and it's social security all over again. Is that the America you want to live in?"

Motorcycling Tip: In Montana Elk Have The Right Of Way

Annnnnnd we're back. Oh, like you even noticed we were gone. "But Ironicus," you protest, "we missed our occasional dose of sophomoronic humor with no shred of socially redeeming value." Flattery will get you no where.

It was a fine trip though. A little over 4300 miles through towns with names like Crazy Woman Creek and beers with names like Fat Tire Ale and Moose Drool. By the way, a local inhabitant informed us that the proper name for a moose is swamp donkey. You heard it here first.

Now we're back home and we see that we missed a gathering of our betters over at Mitbot's house of disingenuousness. Let's collect a few of the pearls they dropped on the unwashed, shall we?

A New York City donor a few cars back, who also would not give her name, said Romney needed to do a better job connecting. “We’ve got the message,” she added. “But my college kid, the baby sitters, the nails ladies — everybody who’s got the right to vote — they don’t understand what’s going on. I just think if you’re lower income — one, you’re not as educated, two, they don’t understand how it works, they don’t understand how the systems work, they don’t understand the impact.”

OK, OK. Everybody is dumb but you. Got it. Here is a lady who obviously subscribes to the money equals brains theory. You'd think if she was so smart she'd have figured out the coda to that little theory and that is  everybody doesn't have the right to vote. We do have to give her points for realizing that her own kid, who is apparently also rich, is still stupid, being a kid and all. See, you can be born into money, but the brains part doesn't kick in until you vote for your first republican.

Ted Conklin, who owns the American Hotel in Sag Harbor, told the New York Times that Obama is a “socialist. His idea is find a problem that doesn’t exist and get government to intervene,” Conklin added, his wife, Carol Simmons, nodding beside him in their gold Mercedes.

Well, that's a point Mr. Conklin. We mean, dude owns a hotel that caters to people who don't work anyway, so unemployment? No biggie. Health care? Ever hear of concierge medicine? Gas prices? Please. Smithers keeps the Benz topped off. War? Come on. People who go to Romney fund raisers don't do war. Why, even to suggest such a thing is...unseemly.

Ms. Simmons paused to highlight what she said was her husband’s generous spirit: “Tell them who’s on your yacht this weekend! Tell him!” Over Mr. Conklin’s objections, Ms. Simmons disclosed that a major executive from Miramax, the movie company, was on the 75-foot yacht, because, she said, there were no rooms left at the hotel.

Now there's the American spirit. And did the Miramax executive complain because the yacht was only a 75 footer? Of course not. One does not make light of one's fellows' shortcomings, one accepts their hospitality graciously and without complaint, even if they are beneath one, being a mere Inn keeper as it were.

Romney, for his part, said at the fundraiser that he is focused on everyday voters. “If you are here, by and large, you are doing just fine,” Romney said, according to the Times. “I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about those here. I spend a lot of time worrying about those that are poor and those in the middle class that are finding it hard to make a bright future for themselves.”

Now you're thinking "wait a minute. Didn't Romney just say he didn't care about the poor?"  Well, yeah, but that was in a different context. See with this group when Romney said he was concerned about the poor he meant folks who could only afford 75 foot yachts.

If you were like the lady from New York, you'd have got that.