Did You Know That Deputies From The Maricopa Sheriff's Department All Wear Tinfoil Under Their Hats? Department Policy

Man, we just found out that President Obama is still not an American. We thought that had all been settled because hasn't he got like what, 47 birth certificates or something? Well, apparently that's not enough because Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio--who calls himself 'America's Sheriff' btw--says 47 is not enough when you're black.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his Cold Case Posse on Tuesday announced that their long-running investigation had found the long-form birth certificate released by President Barack Obama was “undoubtedly fraudulent, and since we're bilking the taxpayers for this whole sham investigation, if there's anyone who knows about fraud, it's us.”

“My hope is that the U.S. Congress will take over from here if not to further the birth certificate forgery possibility, then at least to examine the state of Hawaii’s laws in regards to the issuance of birth certificates which may be permitting untold numbers of foreign born people to wrongly gain U.S. citizenship.”

Wait a minute. You mean Hawaii is like, selling birth certificates or something? Whoa! If Osama had known that he could have bought one, moved to Fargo and opened a falafel shop. There's no way Obama would have found him in Fargo. Dude could have even voted for Romney or something.

Mike Zullo, the posse’s chief investigator and author of so-called “birther” books, said that after a trip to Hawaii the investigators found that coding numbers seen on the President’s birth certificate were not consistent with the coding required by the federal government.

 Now, we should take a moment here to point out that just because Mr. Zullo is the author of several "birther-books" (For sale in the lobby--the author will be available for autographs after the news conference) that in no way affected his impartiality in conducting this investigation for Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who even though he has no jurisdiction in Hawaii, knows that even if there are county sheriffs in Hawaii, they're all probably really from Pakistan or something because selling birth certificates.

As for the codes, these are super duper,  above ultra secret, special certifying verification sequences given to the federal government by space aliens from Alpha Centauri who were trying to keep Obama from becoming president and destroying the galaxy. Zullo was able to decipher the codes because one day, on his way home from the community mental health clinic he was given a decoder ring by one of the space aliens disguised as Princess Leila. "Help me, Obi-Wan Zullo," the alien said. "You're my only hope."

Zullo also said Hawaii Assistant Attorney General Jill Nagamine had refused to cooperate with the investigation, further suggesting Zullo was a flaming idiot without the brains god gave a tennis ball. Nagamine refused to give the sheriff’s investigators permission to see the original birth documents held by the Hawaii Department of Health "because even though this is America and you're free to be a pustulating jerk, you don't get to waste my time with your unmedicated fever dreams. He's black and he's president. Deal with it." Emails obtained by Talking Points Memo show that Hawaii officials questioned why they should take a bunch a wackaloons from Arizona seriously when the surf was up.