OK, But Don't Expect A Card On Mother's Day

Much as we'd like to tell you that our parents were maladjusted sociopaths--it would make the empathy quotient of the biopic we plan to have made about our lives after we become famous more attractive to the female demographic, we have to say that all things considered they were really pretty run of the mill. Oh sure, our old daddy subscribed to the indentured servitude school of child rearing (I brought you into this world so you owe me, now get in here and change the channel on the tee vee) and our sainted mother's theory of illness on school days was if it isn't bleeding, take an aspirin and get on the bus, but by and large they pretty much stayed within normal parental conventions.

We needed a momma like this one.

A police officer in a small US town used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old girl after he said her mother gave him permission to do so. "At first she wanted me to shoot the girl, although she did say I should try and make it just a flesh wound," the officer said. "In retrospect, I probably should have tased the mother."

Now the town's mayor is calling for an investigation into whether the Taser use was appropriate. Well, sure it was appropriate," said a neighbor. "I mean the mother was willing to french fry her little girl for misbehaving. Think what she would have done to the cop if he'd told her no."

Ozark, Arkansas Officer Dustin Bradshaw's report said the girl screamed, kicked and resisted any time her mother tried to get her in the shower before bed. "since neither one of us had ever experienced a disobedient child before, her mother told me to 'curl that little cracker's hair' if I needed to," he wrote.

The child was "violently kicking and verbally combative" when Mr Bradshaw tried to take her into custody and she kicked him in the groin. "She called me 'gross' and said my momma was a 'stinky pants,'" he added. "I considered calling for backup."

Now, let's get this straight. The average height and weight of a 10 year old girl is 4' 3" and a little over 70 pounds. Even if she kicked him in the...um...gonadal area how much harm could she do? And does he usually try to take people into custody by presenting his private parts to them?

The names of the girl and her mother were redacted in the report, but everyone knows who they are because when the girl walks by a light bulb it flickers.

Mayor Vernon McDaniel said he wants Arkansas State Police - and if they decline, the FBI - to investigate the incident. State police have said they didn't want to have anything to do with "a bunch of crazy hillbillies," and the FBI won't say whether it is involved. "If she didn't wiggle over state lines while she was flopping around after he zapped her, we're not interested," said a spokesperson for the Little Rock FBI office.

"People here feel like that he made a mistake in using a Taser, and maybe he did, but we will not know until we get an impartial investigation," he said. He made a a mistake? What about the mom? What's she going to do when the kid gets older and misses curfew? Call out the National Guard?

Police Chief Jim Noggle said no disciplinary action was taken against Mr Bradshaw. He said Tasers are a safe way to subdue people who are a danger to themselves or others. "Well, except when it kills you," he said.

"We didn't use the Taser to punish the child - that was just a sort of added benefit," he added.

Mr Noggle said the girl will face disorderly conduct charges as a juvenile in the incident. "Tried to get her charged as an adult," Noggle said. "But the prosecutor said it's hard to do that with people who still play with dolls."

The girl's father, Anthony Medlock, said that his daughter has emotional problems but that she didn't have a weapon and shouldn't have been Tasered. "What's next?" he asked billy club her because she won't eat her peas?"

"My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal," said Mr Medlock, who is divorced from the girl's mother and does not have custody.

Might want to reconsider that arrangement Mr. Medlock. Just saying.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, no more tracks closed this week. How about that overlords? Got to take your victories where you find them, no? So, since you don't need to convince people that what's left of western civilization will collapse if you lose your minimum wage no benefit job this week, what to do? What to do?

Oh, we know, fleece the rubes.

Welcome to the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the internet.

Hmm...being the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the web is sort of like being the tallest ballerina in Wabash Indiana.

Due to overwhelming demand our pick sheets are now free.

OK, we're not economists or anything, but doesn't increasing demand cause the value of something to go up?

Honestly, these picks are not the exact picks I play and my players play. We reserve the best of the best for ourselves. However these picks are most likely the best you will find anywhere.

Umm...so what you're telling us is if we're stupid enough to listen to you we deserve what we get?

Charging money for pick sheets is more of a hassle than anything else. We could never charge what they are really worth .

Right, because who wants to make money anyway? Cheapens the challenge and all that. Besides, since our picks are the ones you don't bet, we're sorting of getting what we paid for.

Our picks are made using a method I developed over 10 years ago and have been using ever since.

Yeah. Uh, would that be the method we get, or the one you "reserve" for yourself and your players?

I also train a limited number of players to play on the pro level each year.

The pro level? There's a pro level of rubes? Is that like the people who can actually tie their own shoes level?

We no longer teach the pencil / program method of handicapping.

Got it. Need people who can read and write for that.

I have been training players since 2005 and have many satisfied students, including some who play to earn income.

Some who play to earn income? What do you think the rest play for Madison? Shiny trinkets?

Madison is very affectionate. She will approach people as soon as they come into the house. She likes to lean against you, will nuzzle her head against you, and gives kisses. She likes hugs and nose rubs. She is hilarious to watch. She is like Bambi on ice with the wood floors. She is playful in the morning and likes to play with her family and other dogs, although she is an early to bed girl. She is a quick learner. She is very animated – She will look you right in the eyes like she is communicating with you. Madison would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do well in an active family that would include her and she would make a great meet and greet girl. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Republicans! Motto: We're Thinking Of Changing The Elephant For A Fainting Goat

We're coming to you today from the super reinforced, double secure, reverse air pressure, extra padded anti-super terrorist bunker here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We've been down here since we found out Magneto is coming to New York.

Attorney General Eric Holder is defending his decision to put the professed Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in New York — and urging critics of the plan not to cower in the face of terrorists. "I thought you were only afraid of black people," Holder told the committee.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Let's see, is he the guy that can make himself invisible or the one with mind control powers?

Holder is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where republican lawmakers are likely to wet themselves over the attorney general's decision last week to send KSM and four alleged henchmen from a detention center at Guantanamo Bay to New York to face a civilian federal trial.

KSM? Isn't that a classic Rock radio station on Portland?

President Barack Obama, meanwhile, said that those offended by the legal privileges being given to Mohammed by trying him in a civilian court ultimately won't find it "offensive at all when he's convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him."

Darn straight Mr. President. Um...Those are the courts where you're innocent until proven guilty, right?

Obama added that he did not mean to suggest he was prejudging the outcome of Mohammed's trial.

OK, sorry. We must have misunderstood "when he's convicted" or something.

Critics of Holder's decision — mostly Republicans — have argued the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to spout hateful rhetoric.

Yeah, we see what you're saying. If there's anybody who knows about spouting hateful rhetoric, it's the republicans. Point of order: Will Mohammed get to carry misspelled signs or posters of Obama as the Joker?

In remarks prepared before the hearing, Holder says such concerns are misplaced, because real life isn't like episodes of 24 and any pronouncements by Mohammed would only make him look like a Palin supporter. "Who you think this guy is anyway, Wesley Pruden?" Holder said.

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy," Holder says. "Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm, and our people are ready." Several reporters heard a reply to Holder's comments from senator Kyl, but could not understand him as he refused to come out from under his desk.

The president echoed Holder's comments about the New York trial. "Come on republicans," the president said. "Man up."

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists are space ninjas and that prevents us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, is due to the republicans watching too many X-Men movies ," Obama said in an interview with CNN. "And I'm sorry if that makes Glenn Beck cry," the president added.

Opponents of the plan, including Holder's predecessor Michael Mukasey, have accused him of adopting a "pre-9/11" approach to terrorism. When asked to explain what that meant, Mukasey said he wasn't sure but he'd heard Rudy Giuliani use it and thought it sounded "macho."

Fox News! Motto: At Least We're Not As Dumb As Our Audience

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the sweet release that comes with the complete abandonment of ambition...er...we mean have come to rely on us for their daily dose of cutting edge satire and pithy political commentary.

If by "come to rely on" you mean, Hey, now that we've read what the adults are saying, let's go see what Ironicus has written. But first let's have a drink. Ironicus always makes more sense after a drink.

Tru dat. The point is, in our ongoing efforts to add to the number of minutes in your life you wish you had back, we occasionally have to make certain...umm...adjustments to the quality of our output. Or, as Blogmistress Jenna puts it: a "blog that contains a mix of successful, moderately successful, and far less successful posts."

Hahahahaha! Students. Aren't they cute? Always so...focused.

But we digress. The reason we tell you this is to establish our credentials in the area of phoning it in and, having established said credentials would like to offer the following advice to our friends at Fox: Dudes. Take a day off.

President Obama's deep bow to Japanese Emperor Akihito on Saturday may not have violated any official protocol, but critics of the presidential act of deference nevertheless say he's guilty of bad form.

Guys. Come on. When the best you've got is our president bowing to the leader of a country where bowing is as much a part of the culture as shaking hands over here, you really got nothing.

Seriously. You. Got. Nothing.

Believe us. We know about having nothing.

Look, we all know it's easier to make fun of the fact that Obama is polite and knows that there are different customs in different cultures than to actually study his polices and develop a cogent argument against them. Not to mention that you'd lose two thirds of your audience fifteen seconds into a show like that. Well, maybe if you called it Helth Kare Debait. That might hold them for a little longer.

But never mind. Forget that. We know it's not your mission anyway. Your mission is to convince people with...um...limited talents to vote against their own best interests. By scaring them. But think about it. What kind of return are you going to get for this? Do you really expect tea baggers will be out running around the country shouting "Obama treats people with respect and dignity! Omygod!! Omygod!! Omyfreakingod!!"

Well, OK, that could happen, but if you want to reach out to people with IQ's above that of fingernail clippings you've got to come up with something that has a little more sizzle, a little more oomph. Day after day telling us that Obama has manners, Obama is educated, Obama can walk an chew gum at the same time just gets old.

Trust us. We know about stuff getting old. Just ask Jenna.

How Do You Say "Klaatu Barada Nikto" In Latin?

Oh man, this is really going to tick off Lou Dobbs.

The Pope's chief astronomer--well, his only astronomer-- has conceded other intelligent beings could exist in outer space provided they're not lutherans. "We're talking intelligent life here," the astronomer said. The conclusion has been drawn by members of the Yorba Linda High School Science Club called in by the Vatican to study the possibility of extraterrestrial life and its implications for shifting the blame for all those anal probes priests are accused of. "This pope likes to think outside of the box," said one vatican official.

Aliens. And they're coming from outer space. How do you build a wall against that?

The Vatican's five-day conference attracted 30 astronomers, physicists and biologists, including non-Catholics and other humanoids.

Thirty? You call a conference and you only get thirty people? We got more than that over to watch the Star Trek marathon. Course we had to buy the beer, but let's not quibble. We can see why you let in people from the fake churches. How come the low turn out padre?

It has been four centuries since the Catholic Church locked up Galileo for challenging the belief that the Earth was at the center of the universe.

Yeah. Church does tend to hold a grudge, huh? Plus it's not like the pope has gone all Carl Sagan on us anyway, is it?

The conference was was held in the apartment of Jesuit priest Father Jose Gabriel Funes, an astronomer and director of the Vatican Observatory and gift shop which does not have its telescope pointed at the convent across the street so don't even go there. Father Funes says the possibility of alien life raises "many philosophical and theological implications, especially if they have the concepts of money and donate," but that the gathering was mainly focused on the scientific perspective and what we can do to get rid of it.

One of the organisers was Chris Impey, a professor of astronomy at the University of Arizona. He says the aim was to spend a weekend speaking Klingon only and assess the most recent research around the question of what Sarek ever saw in an earth woman.

"And also getting a sense of when, you know, the Vulcans will make contact," he said.

"If you were going to take a set of bets of the 30 scientists gathered for that meeting, I think most of them would have said the first Star Wars trilogy was the best," Impey added.

Dr Paul Collins, a former priest and now Church historian, Catholic commentator, and official spokesperson for the pope's soccer team says a belief in extraterrestrial life does not necessarily contradict any basic tenets of the Catholic religion. "Especially if they're ugly," he added. "I mean, figure it out. We were made in god's image, so if aliens show up and they look like spiders, or goats with faces we just say those are the prototypes before god worked out the glitches. Wham bam, problem solved. It's sort of like what we used to do with black folks before civil rights."

"Essentially what the Christian faith generally is saying and certainly Catholicism specifically is saying is that God is the ultimate source of life, the ultimate source of reality," Collins said. "Which is why we have to expose Glenn Beck for the Mothman that he is."

The views of the Catholic Church have shifted radically since the Italian philosopher Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake as a heretic in 1600 for speculating other worlds could be inhabited. "Yeah," Collins said. "Now we just hack your Facebook page and photoshop the devil's face over yours on all your pictures."

And Dr Collins sees no problem with where aliens might fit in with the belief that man was created in God's image. "Every creature reflects the goodness and the creativity of God. Humankind, well, white western humankind we certainly would argue represents that most fully and most completely," he said. "Which is why alien will be the new black. Or maybe the new gay, it depends if they're bigger than us or have more arms or laser eyes or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, what's this? Green shoots in Massachusetts?

“Here in Massachusetts, we’ve really in much of our manufacturing made a transformation to true 21st century advanced manufacturing. Sixty percent of the more than 700 firms we talked with actually expected to add jobs between now and 2017,” Northeastern University political economist Barry Bluestone said.

Well, that's encouraging. Maybe we underestimated overlord Doug Pizzi spokesman for the industry group Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Especially the Handlers. After all, he was all about saving jobs and supporting the economy through the heartless exploitation of innocent animals..er..we mean continuing greyhound racing. Apparently he's having an impact. Good times are coming back to Raynham Taunton, no doubt thanks to Mr. Pizzi's hard work.

After more than 60 years of operation, the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park is now just seven weeks from closure, due to the upcoming statewide ban on dog racing.

See, that just goes to show you what a small group of dedicated individuals can do when they...wait a minute...what?

The inevitability of that shutdown was apparent in the mood at Wednesday’s public hearing, held by the state Racing Commission, on the track’s request for a slate of race dates for 2010. While the commission had until next Sunday to make a decision, commissioners didn’t bother waiting. They took a vote to dismiss the dog track’s application.

OK, let's recap. Raynham Taunton closes and the economy in Massachusetts gets better? Is that what you are saying?

Well, we're sure that's just a coincidence. We mean, look what's going on in Wisconsin where the Dairyland track is contributing to the good economic health of the state.

The last of Wisconsin's five greyhound race tracks is closing at the end of the year. The operators of Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha said the track will end racing Dec. 31. Dairyland executive Roy Berger said the track has lost $17 million over the last seven years, including a $4 million deficit in 2009.

See, you take a thriving industry like unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing and it can carry a state through tough economic times just like...umm, did you say closing? Man, that has got to devastate the state.

The national economic recession remains severe but the bottom is in sight and Wisconsin is expected to show recovery in employment and personal income starting in 2010, according to the quarterly Wisconsin Economic Outlook released today by the Department of Revenue.

OK look, just because the economies of two states begin to improve as soon as they shut down greyhound racing is no reason to jump to conclusions. We're sure there's a rational explanation. There are plenty of states with vibrant, flourishing economies and operating tracks. States like...ah...um...well...Oh, Arizona. Yeah, Arizona where greyhound racing means the state has been pretty much recession proof.

Phoenix Greyhound Park today announced it plans to close its live racing on December 19 as a result of the challenging economy and increased competition.

Rats. OK, let's have the rest of the bad news. Greyhound track closes, economy improves. Go ahead lay it on us.

The Arizona and national economies are going through a painful readjustment that will take awhile to complete, according to economists who spoke at an economic outlook forum sponsored by the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Track goes down, economy goes up. Look we still...wait, what did you say?

“It’s time to lower expectations,” said Elliott Pollack, an influential Scottsdale-based economist and chief executive of Elliott D. Pollack & Co. “The outlook is mediocre next year.”

Ha! Well, there you have it folks, proof positive that just because a state gets rid of greyhound racing doesn't mean its economy will improve. Right there in Arizona, track closes, economy still no better off.

Somebody call overlord Pizzi. He's probably feeling a little down about the whole thing, perhaps the news for Arizona will help him to avoid the realization that his life is basically a coffee stain on the universe for a while longer. Just tell him Arizona is still hurting even though their track closed.

Wait. We're sorry. What did you say Pilfer? Arizona isn't like Massachusetts and Wisconsin because there's still a track in Tucson? Oh. Well that explains the whole lowered expectations thing then, doesn't it?

Pilfer is affectionate and loving. He likes to kiss your ears and other dog’s ears and faces. He is starting to play with toys. He likes to collect his toys and will take them to his crate. He can be found in the cockroach position – on his back with his feet in the air. Pilfer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

OK, But Don't Let Fox News Report On The Crowd Size*

Whoa. Here's a scary headline:

Sarah Palin Determined to Strike in US

OK, we're paraphrasing, but the point is the formerly super secret triple lockdown stealth speaker (available for conventions, meetings and bar Mitzvahs--call for rates) is about to GET IN YOUR FACE you liberal, commie, socialist...umm...liberal, socialist, commie, something something BAD! Did we mention you're a communist?

Last year's Republican vice presidential comedy star is starting a book tour next week to promote her graphic novel, "Glowing Rouge: Coco Rose In America." Yeah, and this time she actually read it too, so get ready to have your cute little buttocks handed to you Couric. Umm..we mean she wrote the book.

Is it a thinly-veiled bid to test the waters for a possible 2012 Republican presidential bid, or simply an effort to make money and cement her celebrity status?

Uh, yes?

"From Michigan, the 'Glowing Rouge' tour will cover as much of the country as possible," Palin had somebody write this week on her Facebook page. "I've decided to stop in cities that are not usually included in a typical book tour. And by that I mean places where the illiteracy rate tops 20%."

Hahahaha! Get it? Because the book will sell best in places where people can't read. See? That's funny...wait. She's coming here?

The walking, talking carnival ride, who's often listed in the 2012 Republican presidential field because, well, really, who cares, will make her mark on copies of "Glowing Rouge" at Barnes & Noble Auto Body in Grand Rapids at 7 p.m. Nov. 18.

Oh, Grand Rapids. Pyramid scheme central. Coincidence? We think not.

Palin remains as unmedicated as ever, beloved by third grade dropouts and derided by people with good personal hygiene, a year after bursting onto the national stage with her wink and her photo of Putin that she took from her porch with Republican presidential nominee...uh...Jim?...Joe?...What was that guy's name again?

Yet there is no denying her star status in the Republican Party, where she is often mentioned alongside possible Republican candidates in 2012, such as Ronald Reagan, Barry Goldwater and Herbert Hoover, all of whom suffer form the distinct disadvantage of being dead. Like the republican party.

"Obviously she is going to be a major player for some time to come," said Saul Anuzis, former chairman of the Michigan Amway Party. "I mean, come on. All you need to be a major player in the republican party today is a pre-existing mental condition."

The tour is a chance at a fresh start for Palin who resigned as governor of Alaska last summer after growing tired of fending off ethics violations accusations from critics. "I'm ready to do that on a national level," she told reporters.

A CNN poll reported last month that more than seven in 10 Americans think Palin is not qualified to be president. Republicans were split, with 52 percent saying she's qualified and 47 percent making doodles in the margin of the survey.

Aside from some paid speeches, Palin has largely communicated via her Facebook page. "Well, in her defense, LOL and OMG are about the only two words she can spell," said an aide who asked not to be identified.

*Right Jon?

On The Bright Side, It Means The Cubs Still Have A Chance To Win The Series

We're coming to you today from the Nostradamus wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Nostradamus wing is just across from the Office of Yeti Cultural Studies and down the hall from the Center for the Investigation of Extraterrestrial Anal Probes.

We're down here doing a little research on the end of the world because what with the election of the black Antichrist and all we don't want to get caught unawares if the big J up there pushes the reset button. Well, come to think of it we're not even sure Jesus would be the one to initiate the reboot. Perhaps dad would do it, or maybe even the honor would go to one of the saints who might have a score to settle. We mean, take Antony of Padua, the patron saint of asses for example (the four legged kind, not people who watch Glenn Beck). He can't too happy about how that turned out. Or saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery. Who did he tick off at the vatican? Or how about saint Giles, the patron saint of breast feeding. OK, he probably doesn't have a beef with us, but you see our point.

Umm...Why is the patron saint of breast feeding a guy?

Ah, but we digress. Still...well, the point is, as a result of our exhaustive research, and in spite of what this guy says (Caution: site best viewed with polarized sunglasses. Dark polarized sun glasses) we feel confident in saying that the world is definitely not going to end in the near future.

Why? Think about it. Let's say you're Jesus and you're thinking about a return trip to planet earth where you'll be greeted by all your faithful followers, set up on a throne and given free lifetime passes to Disneyland. After all, you've given them 2000 years to get their act together, love their neighbors, do unto others, all that stuff. So you look down on your flock to see what the haps are, and what do you see?

John Ensign

Mark Sanford

Chip Pickering

At first you think to yourself, these crazy humans, they're pulling my holy leg. Surely these can't be the leading spokesmen for my message.

Ah, but wait junior. It gets worse.

So it occurs to you that if you rapture up the faithful, these guys are going to be your neighbors and is that what you really want Mr. son of god sir? Is it?

Didn't think so.

If only you could find one person who has been faithful to your word, one follower who represents all that you intended us to become, one who realized the potential. Wait, who's that?

Carrie goes on at length about how she was a shoe-in for the Miss USA title but got shut out due to her answer against gay marriage during the question and answer period. She says things like “Miss USA needed me,” “I feel as if I’m Miss Universe,” and “God chose me.”

Hmmm thinks you. This has possibilities. Here's a simple, devout unassuming girl who has suffered for her faith, yet remains true to her beliefs and steadfast in her devotion. Maybe there's hope for these people yet. Plus she is definitely not hard on the eyes, and there is that condo next to me that's empty now that Peter is spending all his time in Florida.

So you sit back in your chair, eye the red button that starts Armageddon and think maybe you'll give dad a call one he gets beck from golf and see what he thinks. In the mean time you decide to Google Ms. Prejean, just to see what church she attends, and the first thing that pops up on your screen is this.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean defended a recently surfaced erotic video of her as a youthful indiscretion and questioned whether it could actually be called a “sex tape” since no one else appears in it.

No one else? Man, that sure looks like the holy ghost over there by the TV. Wonder if he saved the video.

And Jesus Said Unto The Masses "Exact Change Only"

Regular readers of this blog have probably become accustomed to the soft bigotry of low expectations...er...we mean may recall a while back the national campaign to determine what Jesus would drive were he to trade in his mule. And if they'd had cars back then.

Personally we think the son of god would have rated a driver, but that's just us.

Hahahahaha! We crack us up. Anyway, silly theologians, study your bible. It's right there in Paul's second letter to the Corinthians verses 15 and 16: "With this ticket I formerly intended to come to you so that I might receive double frequent rider miles, namely, to go by way of Greyhound to Macedonia, and then to come to you again on my return from Macedonia, and have you send me on my way to Judea on the express out of Thessalonica."

And where do you think Paul learned to use mass transportation? Well, if you had studied the bible like we have you would know that an often forgotten part of the miracle of the loaves and fishes when Jesus fed the crowd at Caanan, was that he also arranged for buses to take the crowd home after the wedding. Sort of an early designated driver thing. Anyway, it's pretty obvious from our close study of scripture that Jesus would take the bus. And that is why we have to defend the right of bus drivers everywhere to lay the holy word on their passengers. After all, what is a bus but a rolling church and the driver is the pastor, safely guiding his flock through the detours of Satan of to the redemptive garden of Broadway and Fifth.

And on schedule too. We all know how Beelzebub hates it when things run on time.

A MARTA bus driver is on suspension following allegations that he forced passengers to pray before allowing them to exit the bus. "Have you seen the way those idiots drive out on the boulevard? You'd pray too if you had to drive in that," said driver Leroy Matthews.

Christopher James was one of those passengers. James said, initially, he thought something was wrong when he rang the bell to get off the bus and the door didn’t open.

And why didn't the doors open, Mr. James? Do you know? Could it have been SATAN?

James’ cousin, who arrived at the bus stop to meet him, said she saw the men standing inside the bus, but didn’t realize they were praying.

Oh. OK, our bad. It was your cousin, not Satan. Easy mistake to make though, we mean look at that guy. Put a set of horns and a tail on him and you got a dead ringer for the Dark Lord.

James said the bus driver asked him and three other passengers to join hands in prayer. James said the driver prayed with the group for about four minutes. “He got up out of the driver’s seat,” he said. James, who isn’t against prayer, said he felt compelled to join in although the request confused him. "Yeah, I mean I heard MARTA's repair and maintenance budget had been cut back, but I figured if things were so bad they had to pray to make it from stop to stop, maybe I ought to take a cab or something."

Ha! That's just what Lucifer would want you to do.

A MARTA representative said that the transit agency suspended the bus driver for five days and told him not to try and save the passengers. "Actually the praying part wasn't so bad. It's when he tried to baptize the passengers by pouring Mountain Dew on their heads that we knew we had a problem," the representative added.

Hmm...a MARTA representative said that? Are you sure it wasn't, oh, we don't know, SATAN? Well, it could have been James' cousin again. We'll get back to you on that.

Matthews has been with MARTA for six years. Before that he drove the community bus for the First Church of Jesus Christ, Diesel.

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, so you're probably thinking yesterday's tea bagger attack on Washington was the day's big news. We can understand that what with the chants of Keep the government out of my Medicare, the attempts to say the Pledge of Allegiance and the confusion of the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence and all.

The informed electorate acting in concert to speak truth to power. The American Way.

The Auschwitz thing was a nice touch too.

So we can understand if you missed the real story of the day: The million overlord march on Madison.

Employees of Kenosha's Dairyland Greyhound Park are doing what they can to save the dog racing track from shutting down. In fact, they walked the halls of the state capitol in a rally of support for the facility. "And a bathroom," said one protester. "I really needed to find a bathroom."

Actually the impact of the event was somewhat blunted by the fact that about a half hour into the protest the overlords were told they were actually walking the halls of the Dane county courthouse directly across the street from the State Capitol Building. "Nobody told us Madison was the county seat as well as the state capitol." said one protester. "Can they do that?"

Just another level of government bureaucracy, Mr. overlord protester, sir. We're sure Obama is behind this somehow. The good news is the legislature isn't going to do you that much good anyway. You've got to go to the people with the power--the racing commission--just like the overlords in Massachusetts did.

A year to the day after Massachusetts voters approved a ban on dog racing by passing ballot Question 3, the Raynham dog track went before the state Racing Commission at Raynham Town Hall seeking a permit to run 269 races in 2010. "We're hoping they haven't been reading the papers," said one hopeful track representative. "Maybe they don't know about the vote yet."

After an abbreviated discussion, the board voted 2-1 to reject the application, citing incomplete paperwork and an unwillingness to go against the Jan. 1 law against greyhound racing.

D'oh! Another overlord strategy foiled by people who can read.

But what's this about incomplete paperwork? You'd think with their free ride on the backs of innocent animals on the line they could at least fill out the forms right. What's up with that?

Application fees totaling $3,600 and $250,000 in surety bonds, along with the track’s financial statements were left out of the application.

Well, in our defense we really don't have financial statements, being broke and all," Raynham Park General Manager Gary Temple said. The track’s filing was intentionally unfinished in order to save money “and hope something comes out of the courts.”

Let's see if we've got this. The strategy is to waste the racing commission's time while looking for a judge who was dropped on his head as a child. Multiple times. Does that about sum it up?

Despite a warning that the application would be denied, the racing commission allowed proponents and opponents to debate the request for holding races in 2010. "Nothing good on the tee vee that night," said one commissioner who asked not to be identified.

Temple said the effort was a final attempt to save the 300 remaining track employees, “the people that have worked seven days a week, every day of the year, to make our business operate.” When asked why employees weren't allowed time off, Temple replied "Who do you think we are, Wal-Mart?"

Track owner George Carney attended the meeting but chose to lock himself in the bathroom and refuse to come out and have Temple and his public relations people talk with the media. "Hope he took a sandwich in with him," one reporter said.

Well, there is a window in there and if he has his cell he can call for take out, right Braden?

Braden is very friendly and very curious, and he craves lots of attention. He likes to smell everything over and over again. He is affectionate. He will approach for pets and lean against his foster family. He is starting to play with toys and he loves to play with the family dog. When he is sleeping, he breathes out through his mouth and his lips slap together like a horse. Braden is a three-year old puppy. He gets very bouncy and excited when he sees the leash come out, but will ‘get back’ and settle down when asked to. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Braden would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Republicans! Motto: We Even Say "No" To Our Own Candidates

Hey what? Today is election day. You mean Obama is allowing another election? What kind of socialist, fascist, Muslim terrorist, left handed move is that?

Well, we have to assume that this totally caught the republicans off guard, assuming as they probably did that they would be in re-education camps by now, or brought before death panels staffed by atheist pro-abortion ACORN workers.

Brilliant Comrade. Your alien masters in Kenya will be most pleased. Let's see what sort of mischief you've perpetrated.

Republican Dede Scozzafava has suspended her bid in the NY 23 special election, a huge development that dramatically shakes up the race. She did not endorse either of her two opponents -- Conservative party candidate Doug Hoffman or Democrat Bill Owens.

Bwaaahahahaha! Fly my pretty, fly! The evil witch of the West Wing is upon you.

OK, warlock of the West Wing. Got a little carried away there. Still, losing their candidate couldn't have set well with the republican leadership back in Mordor.

Some of the most prominent names in national Republican Party politics are lining up against the GOP nominee in a key upstate New York House special election, the latest being former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum. In endorsing Conservative Party nominee Doug Hoffman in the Nov. 3 contest, Santorum joined former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann, former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, and former presidential candidate Steve Forbes, all of whom announced their backing for the conservative third-party candidate this week. Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty suggested that he might be the next well-known Republican to break with the party establishment and support Hoffman.

Oh cry us a river republican overlords, just...wait a minute...what? The republican party isn't supporting the republican candidate?

Oh, comrade, Imam Obama, you have truly. messed. these. dudes. up. All their base are belong to you. Republicans, take off every ZIG!!

Scozzafava can point to many other prominent conservatives who support her bid—including former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

Oh. Darn. Got a little crazy there ourselves we guess. Well, leave it to the Newtster to bring sanity back to the process. Too bad Chairman O. Try again if you dare. Newt's republican mojo cannot be defeated.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who came under fire from some conservatives for endorsing Dede Scozzafava in next week's special Congressional election in New York, is now backing Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman.

BWAHAHAHAHA!! You have no chance to survive make your time.

Friday Hound Blogging

Now, generally we don't read the comments to our posts because, frankly you folks are FREAKIN' WEIRD!

We kid.

Actually we do take a jaunt through your thoughts from time to time, but, as you may surmise, researching, planning, composing, editing and revising the posts that appear before you each time is exhaustive work and takes much of our energy and attention.

Or we could just make the whole thing up, then break out the Stoli.

We'll leave that particular determination to you. Our point is that in a recent foray into the fecund jungle of comments we discovered that we have upset overlord Doug Pizzi of the group fighting to keep greyhound racing a continuous drain on the finances of the state of Massachusetts.

We can certainly understand the nature of Mr. Pizzi's distress. We mean, here he is, trying to save an unprofitable and inhumane institution with a long history of pain , suffering and loss in the state and we come along and point out that right next door in Rhode Island, they're doing everything they can to get out from under the crushing financial burden that Mr. Pizzi is working so hard to preserve.

A financially troubled slot parlor seeking bankruptcy protection will pay $5 million as it attempts to end the last greyhound races in Rhode Island because the sport is costing the track money, attorneys said. "Actually we'd pay pretty much anything to get these losers out of here so we can get slots," the attorney added.

Perhaps Mr. Pizzi has made a tactical error. He's fighting to keep unit exploitation going in Massachusetts, while in Rhode Island, they're paying to make it go away. Food for thought there, Mr. Pizzi sir. Just saying.

“If the settlement agreement is approved, it completes a key step towards enhanced financial viability of the facility, helping to preserve key revenue for the state of Rhode Island,” Twin River spokeswoman Patti Doyle said in a written statement. "The more distance we can put between us and dog racers, the better chance we have to make this place a go," she added.

Again, seeing an emerging theme here Mr. Pizzi?

As part of the deal, Carcieri asked state lawmakers to repeal a law forcing Twin River to offer 125 days of greyhound racing. Wagering on the races has plummeted from $150 million in 1990 to $13 million.

In case you're wondering, Mr. Pizzi, $13 million is less than $150 million. Way less. Shoot, even you can figure that out, huh Dream?

Dream is a friendly, easygoing boy. He likes to hang out wherever people are in the house. He gets excited when people come home, but calms quickly. He is a bit of a thief and likes to sneak bits of laundry or towels and prance around the house with them to show his foster family he has found something he thinks is special. Dream has a glossy black coat with reddish tones in it—he is a very handsome boy and will make someone very happy! He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Dream would do well in a working family with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He needs to be in a single family home, as he is a little vocal when first left alone. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

South Carolina! Motto: Hey, We're No Crazier Than The Scientologists

What is it about South Carolina? We mean, this state has been Bonkazoid Central almost since before it was a state. They were the last state to let voters actually, you know, vote; then there was that whole nullification thing, followed by Fort Sumter--or Sumpter which may have marked the historical beginning of the wingnuts love/hate relationship with spelling--then after Honest Abe laid the smackdown on the rebels, South Carolina conveniently forgot to enfranchise over 400,000 free blacks, the largest number of any formerly confederate state.

Fifteenth Amendment? Oh, you were serious about that? OK, our bad.

And do we have to tell you about Governor Mark "Appalachian Tail" Sanford, or Joe "Who needs medication?" Wilson?

Didn't think so.

So now we have deputy assistant attorney general Roland Corning who recently fled from police in a car full of sex toys and a stripper.

Or, as they call it in South Carolina, lunch.

Corning, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him, according to a police report. The officer stated that he decided to ignore the "If this van is a rockin' don't come a knockin'" bumper sticker when he heard a male voice shouting "Who's your prosecutor now baby! Come on say it! Say it!"

As the officer approached, Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away when an inflatable sheep obstructed the his view. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery. "Mr. Corning insisted he had brought the woman to the cemetery as part of a historical tour of famous South Carolina dead people who like to schlup the darkies," Officer Michael Wines wrote. "The woman said they were playing gravedigger and the lonely widow."

Corning gave Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.

Ruh Ro. That can't be good.

Corning and the woman were let go without charges.

Well, of course they were let go without charges. In South Carolina, fleeing from the police is allowed as long as you don't endanger public safety by driving with an inflatable sheep blocking your view. It's a well known state statute.

Wines' wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney General Henry McMaster.

Pesky wimmins. See, we told you the Nineteenth Amendment was a bad idea, which is why it wasn't ratified in South Carolina until August 22, 1973.

"We received credible information about inappropriate behavior" McMaster said. "And by the close of business, he was no longer working here." Such a trip to the cemetery "would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general," McMaster said. "Why do you think they make motels?"

Well, that is a point sir.

In a related story, the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club announced they had hired a new corporate counsel.

Scientology! Motto: Hey, We're No Crazier Than The Mormons

In the spirit of the impending All Hallows Eve we're coming to you today from the Department of Couch Exorcism. The DoCE is a wholly owned subsidy of the When Good Actors Make Bad Movies Corporation, a Division of the Evil Warrior Demons LLC.

And what, in this season of ghosts and goblins could have caught our eye, you ask? Was it the angel or the demon, the pirate or the nurse, the law enforcement officer, the witch, the fairy, the...uh...where were we?

Oh yeah, Churches. It seems the Church of Scientology has "hit a rough patch."

Right, so we're thinking how could things get worse for a "Church" whose central tenet is that Xenu, the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them by making them watch reruns of Welcome Back Kotter?

Now, before we go on, for those of you getting out the phonebook and looking for the nearest Scientology location, that's XenU, not XenA, although truth be told, we always like Gabrielle better. Mmm...Gabby we've been very very bad. Why don't you bring that stick over here and..What? Oh, sorry. Lost our train of thought. Is it hot in here?

What was our point? Oh, yeah, how things could get worse for a church whose major deity is a cartoon character. Well, being declared a fraud by French judges for one, although you'd think that would be a little anti-climatic after the volcano thing, but it appears the judges were not amused by some of the church's practices:

The judge in Paris ordered the Church of Scientology to pay a €600,000 fine (roughly US$900,000) and sentenced its French leader to two years in prison along with a €30,000 fine (US$44,000) for "organized fraud." France refuses to acknowledge the group as a religion and views it as a profit-generating commercial organization.

Say what you will about them Frenchies, they know a profit-generating commercial organization when they see one. That's why Ken Copeland and Joyce Meyer have never been to France.

And as for "organized fraud?" Well, nobody does it better than Deus Pater. Just ask Rowan Williams. He got an offer he couldn't refuse.

Simple Answers To Simple Questions

Our slow friends at Politico have stumbled across a dilemma. Well, at least what passes for a dilemma at Politico. For the rest of us it's sort of like trying to figure out what to do when we want to cross the street and the light turns green.

Anyway, after exhaustive analysis of media coverage, extended, detailed interviews with relevant experts and several changes in their prescriptions they have decided that President Obama is being treated differently than president Bush and dad gummit they want to know why.

Calm down, calm down little Politco people, your uncle Ironicus is here to help you out. Let's take your concerns one at a time shall we?

A four-hour stop in New Orleans, on his way to a $3 million fundraiser.

Ah, well, here's the difference: At least Obama stopped and didn't just fly over on his way to McCain's birthday party.

Snubbing the Dalai Lama.

What? You think Obama was afraid the Dalai Lama would ask for his kata back? Besides, you've got it backwards. It was the Dalai Lama who snubbed Bush.

Signing off on a secret deal with drug makers.

Umm...you mean the deal he didn't do?

Freezing out a TV network.

Yeah. A network jokes about killing you and then gets upset when you become a tad peevish about it. Well, it's not like they were wearing anti-Obama T-shirts or anything.

Doing more fundraisers than the last president. More golf, too.

Well, you got us on that one. Everybody knows president Bush gave up golf out of respect for the people who lost body parts and stuff because he started a war for no apparent reason. And as for the fund raising...well, funny you should bring that up...

What’s remarkable is what hasn’t happened. These episodes haven’t become metaphors for Obama’s personal and political character — or consuming controversies that sidetracked the rest of his agenda.

OK, let's make sure we understand this. In the great scheme of things, playing more golf than Bush: Big Controversy. Starting two wars, Wrecking the Economy, Weakening Environmental Laws, Stuffing the Government with Inept Toadies, etc., etc., etc., Not so much. We about got that right?

Indeed, Bush got grief for secret meetings with the oil industry, politicizing the White House and spending too much time on his beloved bike.

OK, here's something for you to do before you write another article like this one. Play a little game called one of these things is not like the others."

No need to thank us.

Hi. My Name Is Bob, But You Can Call Me Alejandro Carlito Domingo Bolivar

We're coming to you today from the Pat Buchanan School of Management Science here on the south campus of IM Central. PBSMS is located across the quad for the Genghis Khan Center for the Study of International Diplomacy, right next to the Richard M. Nixon Foundation for Ethical Studies. It seems one of our graduates is in the news.

Larry Whitten marched into this northern New Mexico town in late July on a mission: alienate as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. The socially inept former Marine immediately laid down some new rules. Among them, he forbade the Hispanic workers at the run-down, Southwestern adobe-style hotel from speaking Spanish in his presence (he thought they'd be talking about him), and ordered some to Anglicize their names. "Thinking about petitioning the city to change its name too," he added. "Taos, what is that, Chinaman talk or something? Better not be Vitnamese. I was in Vitnam. Ain't gonna live in no Vitnam town."

Whitten's management style had worked for him as he's managed to segregate other distressed hotels he bought in recent years across the country. "Yep. Worked in Missisip, Alabam and Luzianna. It'll work here too, soon as those taco benders shape up."

His firing of several Hispanic employees angered his employees and many in this liberal enclave of 5,000 residents at the base of the Sangre de Cristo mountains, where the most alternative of lifestyles can find a home and where Spanish language, culture and traditions have a long and revered history. "Hey, nobody told me Beaners made up 55% of the population here, although looking back on it the name of the state should have been a clue."

"I came into this landmine of Anglos versus Spanish versus Mexicans versus Indians versus everybody up here. I'm just doing what I've always done," he says. "And now I've united the community. Course I united it by making everybody hate me, but like I said, I'm just doing what I've always done."

"I do feel he's a racist, but he's a racist out of ignorance. He doesn't know that what he's doing is wrong," says protester Juanito Burns Jr. "But come to think of it, what other kind of racist is there?"

"That's not the first time I've heard that," Whitten said. "But just wait till the boys from Storm Front or Aryan Nation decide to have their convention at my hotel, then we'll see who the marketing genius is."

Some employees were fired, Whitten says, because they were hostile, insubordinate and brown. Fired hotel manager Kathy Archuleta says the workers initially tried to adjust to his style. "We had already gone through four or five owners before him, so we knew what to expect," Archuleta says. "Another guero with more money than brains."

Then Whitten told some employees he was changing their Spanish first names. "It has nothing to do with racism. I'm not doing it for any reason other than for the satisfaction of my guests, because they spend thier lives avoiding the Spanish accents or the Spanish culture or Spanish anything," Whitten said. "I figured changing their first names would make everything nice and white. Besides, if Don Black called here and 'Juan' answered, I'd never hear the end of it."

Martin Gutierrez, another fired employee, says he felt disrespected when he was told to use the unaccented Martin as his name. He says he told Whitten that Spanish was spoken in New Mexico before English. "He told me he didn't care what I thought because the bible was written in English and if it was good enough for god it was good enough for me," Gutierrez said.

The messages and comments Whitten made in interviews with local media, including referring to townsfolk as "mountain people" and "potheads who escaped society," further inflamed tensions. "Hey, I 'm just a businessman trying to fit into my new community" he told reporters. I figured they either didn't have TV's or were too stoned to turn them on."

Taos Mayor Darren Cordova says Whitten wasn't doing anything illegal, just monumentally stupid. He said Whitten failed to better familiarize himself with the town and its culture before deciding to buy the hotel. "You'd think a fellow who rents beds to people for a living would have figured out the world isn't full of Crackers by now," Cordova said.

"What kind of fool or idiot or poor businessman would I be to orchestrate this whole crazy thing that's costed me a lot of time, money and aggravation?" Whitten said. "Now do you see why it's important to keep the races apart?"

Friday Hound Blogging

Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, Nobels, every organization has prizes, usually reserved for the most talented, most popular, most insightful and most respected members of their particular group. And the overlords are no different, gathering each year in the Hollywood of the Midwest, Abilene Kansas to celebrate themselves, their profession and the fact that they all managed to avoid gainful employment for another year.

And who better to chronicle this night of stars than our good friend Dave Bergmeier, Senior Entertainment Editor for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review. Take it away, Editor Dave:

Two of the modern icons in the greyhound industry, Gary Guccione, secretary-treasurer of the National Greyhound Association, and Kay Smith of Frederick, Okla., were recognized during induction ceremonies Thursday. No seriously, they were recognized. Some people saw them in the parking lot and said, "Hey, aren't you two part of that national embarrassment called greyhound racing? You know the "sport" that needlessly kills and injures thousands of innocent and otherwise healthy dogs every year?"

Now, since Gary Guccione is the chief spokesperson for National Greyhound Association that means he has the office Word-A-Day calendar on his desk as overlord official spokesperson, so he took the occasion to mount an eloquent and spirited defense of unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing: "No," he said. "That's another Gary Guccione."

Well, that caught the crowd off guard long enough for the pair to get inside where Charles “Chuck” Marriott, St. Petersburg, Fla., summed up his feelings succinctly: “We are honoring two of the most industrious and popular members of the industry. Why Kay alone is directly and indirectly responsible for the death of thousands of dogs over her long career, and Gary has told so many lies about greyhound racing if you ask him his name he has to look at his driver's license to make sure he tells you the truth."

Guccione got his start in the industry through his father, whom he praised during his induction. “My dad told me six years ago when he was dying how proud he was of me,” Guccione said, "He told me he had really lowered his expectations after I flunked fifth grade for the third time, but he was glad to see at least I didn't become a breeder."

Guccione said the National Greyhound Association is one of the most diverse group of men and women of any professional organization. It is filled with doctors, attorneys, dentists and blue collar workers. “They taught me so much about the human race,” he said. "Well, the part that don't have souls that is."

Marriott who served for six years as NGA president, called Guccione one of his dearest friends. “No one has more integrity in the industry than Gary Guccione,” Marriott said, adding that "no one in the industry can even spell integrity," so Guccione "doesn't really have much competition."

Herb “Dutch” Koerner, Hays, who was on the NGA board for 18 years, offered his congratulations. He said Guccione’s professionalism was always on display and he was a natural spokesman for the association. Then Koerner's probation officer called and reminded him part of the terms of his probation were that he couldn't associate with "certain unsavory elements." He left soon after.

“Kay Smith has been a team player for the industry,” Presenter Vince Berland, of Abilene said , noting that she was a supporter of selling slow dogs for medical research, of puppy culls and the occasional "accident" out behind the kennel, now staples within the industry.

Berland said he never forgot that heartless emptiness when he was told in February 2001 that, after another year of losing money, the Smith operation had been hit with a mysterious fire, he and Abilene greyhound producer Jack Sherck immediately went down to help Smith fill out her insurance papers.

OK, just a minute here. "Greyhound producer" is an actual job title in the industry? "Producer?" Like we produce cars, or toothpaste? Gee, it's almost like they don't think of the dogs as living, breathing, conscious entities or something.

Well, let's not quibble about whether the dogs are actually, you know, living creatures or anything, because the festivities are not over, right Senior Entertainment Editor Bergmier?

On an unusually cool mid-October evening, National Greyhound Association enthusiasts gathered for an evening of one-liners and stories about a popular couple in the industry that warmed the hearts of those in attendance.

Well, would have warmed their hearts. If any of them had hearts that is.

On Wednesday night at the Abilene Elks Club, about 240 people attended a banquet for Dennis and Mary Rider. As part of the festivities leading up to the Riders receiving an award from the NGA for their contributions to the industry, they smiled and laughed at stories told about them. They smiled and laughed and took the ribbing in stride as did their family.

Well, or course they did Senior Editor Bergmeir. After all, they weren't the ones dying and breaking bones. That was left to the dogs. The Riders were free to enjoy the good food, which we hope was more healthy than the dinner the dogs ate, huh Forrest?

Forrest is a little reserved, but very friendly. He is very mellow for a young boy. He is affectionate; he will put his feet in your lap to snuggle with you. When he gets excited he will play bow and stomp his feet to get you to play with him. Forrest would do well in a working family home, with well mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. He is a little vocal when first left alone, so he would do best in a single family home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

So If We Got Rush To Leave The Country Would His Fans Go With Him Then Too?

By now you've probably heard that the NFL is prejudiced against fat white guys with drug problems, so they won't let Rush Limbaugh into the locker room. Frankly, we don't have a problem with this because there's already enough fat white guys in the locker room, we mean, have you seen Glenn Parker?

Ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding Mr. Parker sir. Please don't squash us.

Anyway, what the NFL didn't realize at the time is that by bouncing a commercial grade bigot like Rush from an organization composed of 65% minorities, they were signing their own death warrant because once Rush's loyal minions found out what had happened to the rotund racist, NFL stadiums would start emptying out like Uncle Clem's Truck Stop and Gizzard Shack when the grease caught fire.

Well, it has begun.

Mark Muller -- a husband, father, businessman, and football fanatic -- is giving up on the game he loves, he said, because the National Football League let him down. "Bigotry, intolerance and ignorance made Rush the man he is today," Muller said. "Now you're telling me that's a bad thing?"

Muller, a Kansas City Chiefs season ticket holder since the 1980s, said the NFL’s refusal to defend Limbaugh’s right to try to participate in the bidding was disgraceful. He said the league’s “silence was deafening. Well, except for all those players who said they wouldn't play for a team owned by Rush. But those were just the darkies weren't they?"

“They’ve ruined it,” Muller said. “How could you take something so pure as football and ruin it? I mean, the corporate greed, the idiot owners with more money than brains, the disdain for the welfare of the players, that's what America's all about, right? The reason I went to my first NFL game is because of listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about how great the NFL is, especially the white quarterbacks.”

That first listen was accidental. Muller, then a struggling small business owner, said he was traveling through the Midwest making sales calls when he stumbled on the conservative host's radio program. "Up to that time I'd been listening to Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol. I started as a road salesman, working 70-80 hours a week, and I was getting very, very discouraged, because nobody would buy my roads and I wasn’t related to anybody important.” Muller said he was inspired by Limbaugh’s message of hard work and personal achievement. "If you want something, you have to work for it. That was a revelation to me."

That accidental bit of inspiration also got Muller hooked on professional football. After hearing Limbaugh describe the NFL with the same zeal with which he described his trip to the Dominican Republic, Muller took his wife to game and then the couple decided to give up virtually all their other leisure activities to free up funds to buy season tickets to their hometown team: the Kansas City Chiefs. "My wife really enjoyed watching the players run around in those tight pants, and bought me a pair for my birthday. It wasn't really the same though and we had to go back to Fed Ex guy and the bored housewife."

Muller’s devotion to his team and to the NFL was so deep that on Sundays he was either in church or at an NFL stadium somewhere in the country. When asked how god might react to his decision to go to a football game rather than church, Muller replied that he had it on pretty good authority that god was "a Cowboy fan. Besides, if we can TiVo a game and watch it later, can't god TiVo a service and get worshiped at a more convenient time for him?"

“This isn’t about Rush,” said Muller. “I don’t even listen to him anymore, but I know he isn’t racist. He just says racist things. It's like his trademark or something. You know, when you're as ignorant as he is, and so proud of it, you're bound to say things that tick people off from time to time. Especially if those people have an IQ higher than corn flakes."

When instead of standing up for Limbaugh, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he would not want to see divisive remarks such as Limbaugh’s coming from an NFL owner, Muller decided he would never attend another game, a decision that left his football-loving family heartbroken and his wife in tears. "She really liked watching the guys run around in those pants," he said.

Anything for A Buck...Literally, A Buck

You know, looking back over posts we have created on this blog, some of which we actually remember writing, it occurs to us that we may occasionally give the mistaken impression that we are a bunch of smart alecky, wise acre, insufferable twits. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Well, actually there's quite a bit that could be further from the truth, but that's not our point right now. What we're getting at is that we do possess the capacity to be supportive, empathic and grateful.

For example, employment. You may have noticed in these last desultory days of western civilization that a lot of people are out wandering the streets who are not zombies. They are what the government so politely refers to as job seekers, a subset of the group commonly referred to as the former Middle Class.

We are particularly attuned to these distinctions here in Michigan where there are only six jobs left anyway, and thus are particularly grateful and appreciative of ours. Which is why, even given our...um...misgivings about his administration--not to mention his penchant for unsupervised use of power tools--we are happy to receive the news that George Bush has found post presidential employ as a carnival barker.

OK, we may not have that quite correct. According to the flier, which apparently is being put on the windshields of cars in suburban Wal-Marts, our beloved walking Malaprop is a "Special Guest Speaker," or as we like to call it out here in flyover country, Rube Magnet.

Mr. Bush has apparently been able to clear his calendar of high school graduation speeches and will lead an all star team into the AT&T Center in San Antonio to "Get Motivated" on your droopy white behinds. Let's take a look at the team, shall we?

First up, Zig Zigler, "America's #1 Motivator. Now, we may be quibbling here, but if Zig Ziglar is America's #1 motivator, and he speaks, why do you need anyone else? We mean, how much motivation is it going to take out there in San Antonio? Are you people, or egg plants?

Next up Terry Bradshaw who will discuss the motivational aspects of running around a field in tight pants trying to throw a $45.00 inflated bladder to another similarly dressed human while being paid millions of dollars. Most relevant to the people in the audience who had leftover rat for breakfast.

Then we have Dr. Robert Schuller who will tell you why children can be such a disappointment...er...we mean inspirational.

After that there appears to be a bit of a fall off. It's Tony Parker who made a million dollars--dude, we can do better than that in the Lotto; Not Bill Gates from Microsoft; a lady with a wolverine on her head, and a token black man who used to work in government.

Still, we do have the former president who, say what you will about the flaming bag of dog poo that was his administration, was one of only 44 men to hold that job in the entire history of this country. That ought to count for something huh? So how much are the tickets? $500? We figure it's got to be up there because Bill Clinton makes $300,000 for one of his speeches. Ticket prices got to be pretty hefty to cover prices like that, right?


Oh. That's...uh...that's...um...Well, nice of you to invite the whole office. Hey look at the time, gotta go.

Cuiusvis Hominis Est Errare; Nullius Nisi Insipientis In Errore Perseverare

We didn't set out to make this religion week. In fact we tend not to think too much about this blog at all, leading as it does to the inevitable questions regarding the propriety of supposedly responsible and mature individuals engaging in behavior such as is manifested consistently in this space.

Be that as it may, however, we found ourselves irresistibly drawn to the image of the pope standing on his balcony in his red shoes, wearing the drapes, his best Gandalf hat and shouting at the anglicans "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

Pope Benedict took a major step to make it easier for disaffected anglicans who feel their church has become too inclusive to get hip to his posse. "The pope's representatives will visit parishes that want to join and show converts the secret catholic handshake," said a vatican spokesperson man.

The move comes after years of discontent in some sectors of the 77-million-strong worldwide anglican community over the ordination of women priests and homosexual bishops. "Say what you will about catholics," said one disaffected anglican. "A least their women know their place, and their homos are in the closet. It's what god wanted religion to be."

The vatican said the pope had approved a document known as "Pope Says You Gotta Do It" to accept anglicans who want to join catholicism, either individually or in bingo teams, while maintaining some of their own traditions. "Article I Section 1 of the document specifies who in the vatican gets your bank account routing numbers," said a spokesman for the pope's office of Making Nice to Whack Churches. "After that we're pretty flexible."

It marks perhaps the clearest and boldest institutional step by the Vatican to welcome disaffected Anglicans into the fold since King Henry VIII broke with Rome and set himself up at the head of the new Church of England in 1534. "Well, we figure if we'd sold divorces as cheaply back then as we sold indulgences, there wouldn't be an anglican church in the first place, so it's sort of like a homecoming," said one cardinal who asked not to be named.

The Pope Says You Gotta Do It seeks to balance on the one hand the concern to preserve the worthy anglican liturgical and spiritual patrimony and, on the other hand, the concern that these groups and their clergy will be "treated like a red headed step child at the family reunion," the Vatican said.

Anglicans will find it easier than before to join the catholic church because the baptists don't want them and the lutherans didn't return their phone calls. "We thought about approaching the Dali Lama," said one anglican bishop. "But who wants to learn that crazy Chinaman lingo? Latin's bad enough."

The new regulations, due to come into effect soon, will not affect the catholic church's policy of hiding its own priests who diddle the choirboys. But they will continue the age-old practice of allowing a married anglican priest who converts to remain married. "We're hoping if those anglican guys are getting a little taste now and then they'll be a little more likely than our guys to keep it in their pants." said one vatican spokesman. "We don't need anymore trouble in the perv department if you get my drift."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican communion, told a news conference in London that he did not see the Vatican move as "an act of aggression" or vote of no confidence, but part of a routine relationship between the two Churches. "You should have seen the load of fish eaters we picked up after vatican II," he said. "Man, the Babushkas came running to us like it was free rosary night or something."

"This is not a comment on the life of the Anglican Communion. This is a response to people who came forward," said Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster and head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. "If those chumps want to go all women's lib on their congregation, who are we to complain? Hey anglicans, don't want to watch a bunch of bras burn, or go to mass with the swishy set? Come on over to Papa Bene's place. First three Latin lessons are free!"